Why is an old man like a window? He is full of pains (panes).
What’s the difference between photographing and the whooping cough? One makes fac similes, the other makes sick families.
What is smaller than a mite’s mouth? That which goes into a mite’s mouth.
What is it that is a cat and not a cat, and yet is a cat? A kitten.
Why was the dumb waiter returned? Because it didn’t answer.
Born at the same time as the world, destined to live as long as the world, and yet never five weeks old. The moon.
Why are clouds like coachmen? Because they hold the rains (reins).
My first is a game, my second is what we use our eyes for, my whole is a State of America. Tennes see.
Why should a favorite hen be called Macduff? Because we wish her to lay on.
Why is the letter G like the sun? It is the centre of light.
Why are pretty girls like fire-works? Because they soon go off.
Why is coal the most contradictory article known to commerce? Because when purchased, instead of going to the buyer it goes to the cel-lar.
Why would it be hard on ministers to preach without notes? Because their families would suffer without the greenbacks.
In what sort of syllables should a parrot be taught to speak? In polly silly-bills.
My first is a pronoun, my second is used at weddings, and my whole is an inhabitant of the deep. Her ring.
What is the difference between a bee-hive and a bad potato? None. One is a bee-holder; a bee-holder is a speck’d ’tatur, and a speck’d ’tatur is a bad potato.
What cannot be called a disinterested act of hospitality? Entertaining a hope.
Why is a school-boy being flogged, like your eye? Because he’s a pupil under the lash.
When may an ocean liner be said to be foolishly in love? When attached to a boy (buoy.)
My first is formal, my second is a flower, and my whole is a flower. Prim-rose.
Why is a woman’s beauty like a bank note? Because when once changed it soon goes.
What is the difference between a tube and a foolish Dutchman? One is a hollow cylinder and the other a silly Hollander.
What fruit is the most visionary? The apple of the eye.
What is that which goes from Boston to Providence without once moving? The railroad.
What notes compose the most favorite tunes, and how many tunes do they compose? Bank notes, they make (four) for-tunes.
Why are ladies’ eyes like persons remote from one another? Because, although they may correspond, they never meet.
Why don’t Sweden have to send abroad for cattle? Because she keeps her Stock-holm.
Without my first my second could never have existed, and my whole is as old as creation. Sun-day.
When is a gun like a dismissed servant? When it is discharged and goes off.
What is everything doing at the same time? Growing older.
What should you do if you split your sides with laughter? Run till I got a stitch in them.
What is the difference between a young girl and an old hat? Merely a difference of time—one has feeling and the other has felt.
What herb is most injurious to a lady’s beauty? Thyme.
Why is an aristocratic seminary for young ladies like a flower garden? Because it is a place of haughty culture (horticulture).
What is the difference between a clock and a partnership? When a clock is wound up it goes; when a firm is wound up it stops.
How do you know when night is nigh? When the t (tea) is taken away.
Why are some women like facts? Because they are stubborn things.
If a dog should lose his tail where would he get another? At Wanamaker’s, where everything is retailed.
Why is a person with his eyes closed like a defective schoolmaster? He keeps his pupils in darkness.
Why is early grass like a penknife? Because the springs bring out the blades.
Why is an old man’s farm in Texas like the focus of a sun glass? It’s a place where the sons raise meat (sun’s rays meet).
Why is a real estate man not a man of words? Because he is a man of deeds.
Why is the isthmus of Suez like the first u in cucumber? Because it’s between two seas.
What did Ruth do to offend Boaz? She pulled his ears and trod on his corn.
Why are some singers like cheese curds? Because they require to be pressed.
Why ought meat to be only half cooked? Because what’s done cannot be helped.
Why is a woman like the telegraph? Because she is always in advance of the mail intelligence.
What article that we wear is most affectionate? A porous plaster, because it becomes very much attached to us.
Why is a pawnbroker like a drunkard? Because he takes the pledge but cannot always keep it.
Who does the Bible say may carry on a flirtation? It says widow’s mite (might).
Why are respectable hotels like the elysium of the gods? Because no bad spirits are permitted to enter them.
Why is grass like a mouse? Because the cat’ll eat it (cattle eat it).
Why are convicts like old maids going to be married? Because they go off in transports.
How do we know the fair queen of day has a lover? She is always followed by a night (knight).
Why are the Irish poor like a carpet? Because they are kept down by tax (tacks).
Why is the world like a slate? Because the children of men do multiply thereon.
Why is a defeated army like wool? Because its worsted.
What is the centre of gravity? The letter V.
What three letters turn a girl into a woman? A-g-e.
Although great wealth is said to harden the heart, what is every millionaire sure to be? A capital fellow.
What belongs to yourself, and is used by your friends more than by yourself? Your name.
When is a soldier like an old toper? When he re-treats.
Why is a policeman like a rainbow? Because he rarely appears until the storm is over.
What is the difference between a milkmaid and a swallow? The milkmaid skims the milk, the swallow skims the water.
Why is a man’s face shaved in January like a celebrated fur? Because it’s a chin-chilly.
What is that which was born without a soul, lived and got a soul, but died without a soul? The whale that swallowed Jonah.
What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and a Baptist? One uses wax candles—the other dips.
When is a doctor most annoyed? When he is out of patients.
Why is a poor acquaintance better than a rich one? A friend in need is a friend indeed.
What is there remarkable about a bee? Why, ordinarily it has but little to say, yet generally carries its point.
Why is the first chicken of a brood like the mainmast of a ship? Because it’s a little ahead of the main hatch.
How many persons can a deaf and dumb man tickle? He can ges-tickle-eight (gesticulate).
What is the easiest way to keep water out of the house? Omit to pay your water tax.
What is it that is queer about flowers? They shoot before they have pistils.
What is the best form for a soldier? Uniform.
What is the best uniform for a soldier? Right dress.
When does a dog become larger and smaller? When let out at night, and taken in in the morning.
What prescription is best for a poet? A composing draught.
Why does a bay horse never pay toll? Because his master pays it for him.
Why is the letter S like a pert repartee? Because it begins and ends in sauciness.
What is the best way to keep a man’s love? Not to return it.
When is a soldier a wagon maker? When he makes a wheel.
Why is beef suitable for a Christmas dinner? Meet for rejoicing.
How was Admiral Dewey’s naval rank reduced when he got married? He became Mrs. Dewey’s second mate.
Why is a little dog’s tail like the heart of a tree? Because it’s farthest from the bark.
Why are actresses like pipes? They are mere-shams.
What workman never turns to the left? A wheelwright.
Why does a freight car need no locomotive? The freight makes the car-go.
When are weeds not weeds? When they become widows.
What is better than presence of mind in a railroad accident? Absence of body.
Why is a balloonist greatly to be envied? Because he rises rapidly in the world and has excellent prospects.
What letter in the alphabet is most useful to a deaf old woman? The letter A, because it makes her hear.
What is the color of a grass plot covered with snow? Invisible green.
How does water get into the watermelon? The seed is planted in the spring.
Why is a man in front of a crowd well supported? Because he has the press at his back.
What subject can be made light of? Gas.
If Dick’s father be John’s son, what relation is Dick to John? His grandson.
When is a silver cup most likely to run? When it’s chased.
When may a man’s pocket be empty and yet have something in it? When it has a hole in it.
Why is an engraver fearless of drowning? Because he is accustomed to die sinking.
Why are quinine and gentian like the Germans? Because they are two tonics (teutonics).
Why should the proof-reader of a printing establishment be considered the best read man going? Because there’s proof that he reads every hour of the day.
When is butter like Irish children? When it is made into little pats.
If all the money in the world was divided equally among the people what would each one get? An equal share.
What are the most difficult ships to conquer? Hard-ships.
Why don’t foreign noblemen marry poor American girls as well as rich ones? A poor girl has no principal, hence no interest, and without either she cannot bank account (a count).
Why does a dressmaker never lose her hooks? Because she has an eye to each of them.
Why is a wedding ring like eternity? Because it has neither beginning nor end.
What did the blind man say to the policeman when he told him he would arrest him if he did not move on? I’d just like to see you.
What is the difference between a drinker and a smoker? One is a Bacchanalian and the other a tobacconalian.
When Homer called the sea barren, why did it illustrate the age in which he lived? Because it was before Cecrops (sea crops).
What is the difference between a cow and an old chair? One gives milk, the other gives way (whey).
Why should Pope Leo XIII be a very unlucky man? Because he is always the thirteenth at table.
What is the difference between a life of leisure and a life of idleness? They are the same thing, only different titles.
What word of one syllable, if you take two letters from it, becomes a word of two syllables? Plague; ague.
A crown which was the pride of ancient Rome: whichever way it is read, it is the same. Civic.
What lesson of life can the small boy learn from the fire engine? It must work or it can’t play.
Why is a young lady like a sheaf of wheat? First she is cradled, then thrashed, and finally she becomes the flour of the family.
Who is it that always has a number of movements on foot for making money? A dancing master.
In what respect does a piano lamp resemble a society-club man? It has a good deal of brass about it, requires much attention, is not remarkably brilliant, is sometimes unsteady upon its legs, liable to explode when only half full, flares up occasionally, it is always out at bed-time, and is bound to smoke.
How can hunters find their game in the woods? By listening to the bark of the trees.
Why does a man think of his mother’s slippers when he handles the lines behind a fine, well-matched pair of horses? Because they are such a spanking pair.
What is that which is sometimes with a head, without a head, with a tail, and without a tail? A wig.
Why is a committee of inquiry like a cannon? It makes a report.
What is more wonderful than a horse that can count? A spelling bee.
Why are tallest people the laziest? Because they are always longer in bed than others.
Who was the most successful financier mentioned in the Bible? Noah, because he floated a limited company when all the rest of the world was in liquidation.
What is the difference between the Prince of Wales and the water in a fountain? One is heir to the throne, the other thrown to the air.
Why is a college student like a thermometer? Because he is graduated and marked by degrees.
What bird is low-spirited? The blue-bird.
Why don’t they take fare from policemen on the trolley cars? Because they can’t get a nickel out of a copper.
Why is a tournament like sleep? It is a (k)nightly occupation.
Why is a schoolmaster like the letter C? He forms lasses into classes.
Why don’t the Boers wash themselves? Because they are waiting to get a good licking from the English.
Why is bread like the sun? Because it rises from the yeast.
When is a chair like a lady’s dress? When its sat-in.
When is a soldier like a watch? When he is on guard.
When is a soldier like a king? When he appears with his pomp-on.
What object is walking over the water and under the water, yet does not touch the water? A woman crossing a bridge over a river with a pail of water on her head.
Why is love like a canal boat? Because it is an internal transport.
When does a chair dislike you? When it can’t bear you.
Why is a duel quickly managed? Because it takes only two seconds to arrange it.
What burns to keep a secret? Sealing-wax.
Why is a nobleman like a book? Because he has a title.
What class of women are most apt to give tone to society? The belles.
What is that which has a mouth but never speaks, and a bed but never lies in it? A river.
Why is a defeated army like wool? Because it is worsted.
What is the difference between the wreck of a bank and the wreck of a ship? One is caused by the presence of rocks, the other by the scarcity of rocks.
What is that which we all can eat, and often drink, though it sometimes is a woman and often a man? We eat toast and drink a toast.
Why would a compliment from a chicken be an insult? Because it would be foul language.
Why is a cherry like a book? Because it is red (read).
Why are heavy showers like heavy drinkers? Because they usually begin with little drops.
What is that by losing an eye has nothing left but a nose? A noise.
Why is a four-quart jar like a lady’s side-saddle? Because it holds a gal-on (gallon).
Why is fashionable society like a warming-pan? Because it is highly polished but very hollow.
Why are balloons in the air like vagrants? Because they have no visible means of support.
What islands would form a dainty and cheerful luncheon for a party? Sandwich and Madeira.
What must a good surgeon have to be successful? He must have an eagle’s eye, a lion’s heart, and a lady’s hand.
Why is rheumatism like a great eater? Because it attacks the joints.
If I were in the sun and you were out of it what would the sun become! Sin.
Why would an owl be offended at your calling him a pheasant? Because you would be making game of him.
Why is anthracite coal like true love? Because it burns with a steady flame.
Why is a very amusing man like a bad shot? Because he keeps the game alive.
When people are quarreling out of doors, what should they do? Co-in-side (go inside).
Why is Berlin the most dissipated city in Europe? Because it is always on the Spree.
Which is the favorite word with women? The last one.
Why is Father Time like a fashionable young man? Because he travels by cycles (bicycles).
Luke had it first, Paul had it last; boys never have it; girls have it but once; Miss Sullivan had it twice in the same place, but when she married Pat Murphy she never had it again? The letter L.
Why are ladies the biggest thieves in existence? Because they steel their petticoats, bone their stays, crib their babies, and hook their dresses.
Why is a man who makes additions to a false rumor like one who has confidence in all that is told to him? Because he re-lies on all he hears.
When does a farmer double up a sheep without hurting it? When he folds it.
What did the managing editor say when the horticultural editor said he had cultivated hothouse lilac bushes that attained a height of over fifty feet? I wish I could lilac (lie like) that.
Why is an apothecary like a wood-cock? Because he has a long bill.
What is the most engaging work of art? A fashionable young lady.
Who is the oldest lunatic on record? Time out of mind.
Why do the recriminations of a married couple resemble the sound of the waves on the seashore? Because they are the murmurs of the tide (tied).
What bird is rude? The mocking bird.
Why is a lawn mower like the keeper of a bucket shop? Because it shaves the green.
When may a loaf of bread be said to be inhabited? When it has a little Indian in it.
Why are ships like fortunes? Because they are built on stocks.
How does a soldier know when it is time to fight? When he sees a battle-me(a)nt.
At what age should a man marry? At the parsonage.
What kind of essence does a young man like when he pops the question? Acquiescence.
When is a soldier like a horse? When he draws a load.
Why is it nonsense to pretend that love is blind? Because you never knew a man in love that did not see ten times more in his sweetheart than others did.
Why are fixed stars like wicked old men? Because they scintillate (sin till-late).
Why is an egg underdone like an egg overdone? They are both hardly done.
Why is a man happier with two wives than with one? He may be happy with one, but with two he is nearly sure to be transported.
Why is Gibraltar one of the most wonderful places in the world? Because it’s always on the rock, but never moves.
Why is it difficult to flirt on mail steamers? Because all the mails (males) are tied up in bags.
Why is a comprehensive action an affectionate one? It embraces everything.
What best describes and most impedes a Christian Pilgrim’s Progress? A Bunyan (bunion).
When is a lady’s hair like the latest news? When it’s in the papers.
Why is a very old umbrella, that has been lost, as good as new when found? Because it’s re-covered.
Why is a coachman like the clouds? Because he holds the reins.
Why does the Salvation Army walk down Broadway on their heels? To save their soles (souls).
Who was the most successful surveyor on record? Alexander Selkirk, for he was monarch of all he surveyed.
Who is a man of grit? A sugar refiner.
Why is the letter W like scandal? Because it makes ill will.
What is one of the rules of war? That it is death to stop a cannon ball.
Why are photographers the most uncivil of all tradespeople? Because when we make application for a copy of our portrait, they always reply with a negative.
What cord is that which is full of knots, which no one can untie, and which no one can tie? A cord of wood.
Which is the oddest fellow, the one who asks a question or the one who answers? The one who asks, because he is the querist.
When does the wind most resemble a bookseller? When it keeps stationary (stationery).
What benefit can be derived from a paper of pins? It will give you many good points.
Why are authors who treat of physiognomy like soldiers? Because they write about face.
I went into the woods and caught it, I sat down to look for it, and then I went home with it because I could not find it. A sliver.
Why is a clock the most persevering thing in creation? Because it is never more inclined to go on with its business than when it is completely wound up.
Why is a blind man apt to be an idiot? The old adage says, out of sight out of mind.
How did the whale that swallowed Jonah obey the divine law? Jonah was a stranger and he took him in.
When is a piece of wood like a queen? When it is made into a ruler.
Why is chicken pie like a gunsmith’s shop? Because it contains fowl-in pieces.
Why is asparagus like most sermons? Because it is the end of it that people enjoy most.
What is the fruit of finance? Current coin.
How did Jonah feel when swallowed by a whale? He was down in the mouth, and went to blubber.
Why is the polka like bitter beer? There are so many hops in it.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it is the scenter.
Why is a steam engine at a fire an anomaly? Because it works and plays at the same time.
Whose best works are most trampled on? The shoemaker, because good shoes last longer than bad ones.
When is a boy in a pantry like a poacher? When he walks into the preserves.
Why are clergymen like brakemen? Because they do a great deal of coupling.
When may two people be said to be half witted? When they have an understanding between them.
Why is a jailer like a musician? Because he fingers the keys.
Why is a field of grass like a person older than yourself? Because it’s past-your-age (pasturage).
Why is it absurd to call a dentist room the dental parlor? Because it is the drawing room.
Why should a man never tell his secrets in a corn field? Because so many ears are there, and they would be shocked.
What part of a fish weighs most? The scales.
When is a soldier like a vehicle? When he makes a cart-ridge on the road.
Why are printers liable to bad colds? Because they always use damp sheets.
What fruit does a newly married couple resemble? A green pear (pair).
Can you tell the best way to make the hours go fast? Use the spur of the moment.
Why is wit like a Chinese lady’s foot? Because brevity’s the sole of it.
Why are parliamentary reports called “Blue Books?” Because they are never re(a)d.
Why is it absurd to ask a pretty girl to be candid? Because she cannot be plain.
Why is a sheep like a professional gambler? Because he is brought up on the turf, gambols in his youth, herds with blacklegs, and is fleeced at last.
Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent man? Because he stops at the sound of wo.
What city is drawn more frequently than any other? Cork.
Why is a bookbinder like charity? Because he often covers a multitude of faults.
Why should an artist never be short of cash? If he knows his business he can always draw money.
What do we often catch yet never see? Passing remarks.
Why are confectioners mercenary lovers? Because they always sell their kisses.
What is there about a house that seldom falls, but never hurts the occupant when it does? The rent.
What three acts comprise the chief business of a woman’s life? Attract, contract, and detract.
Why is a prudent man like a pin? Because his head prevents him from going too far.
Why are some of our officers like a dancing master’s toes? Because they must be turned out.
What are the most patient objects in the shape of humanity? Statues.
Why is necessity like an angry solicitor? It knows no law.
If all the letters in the alphabet were on a mountain, what letter would leave first? D would begin the descent.
When you listen to a drum why are you a good judge? Because you hear both sides.
Why is the vowel O the only one sounded? Because all the others are in audible.
Why is a coward like a leaky barrel? Because they both run.
If a short man married a widow what will his friends call him? A widow’s mite.
Who dares sit before the Queen with his hat on? Her coachman.
Why was “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” not written by a woman’s hand? Because it was written by Mrs. Beecher Stowe (Beecher’s toe).
What animal is that from which, if you take off the tip of its tail you may make a first-rate Jew? Rabbit (Rabbi).
Why is a lame dog like a school boy adding six and seven together? Because the dog puts down three and carries one.
When is a house like a bird? When it has wings.
What moral lesson does the weather cock teach? It is vane to a-spire.
When is a lawyer like a beast of burden? When drawing a conveyance.
When is a soldier like a watch? When he is on guard.
What are the embers of the expiring year? Nov-ember and Dec-ember.
How is a poultry dealer compelled to earn his living? By foul means.
When was beef tea first introduced into England? When Henry VIII dissolved the Pope’s bull.
Why is a butcher’s cart like his top boots? Because he carries his calves there.
Why does a maltese cat rest better in summer than in winter? Because summer brings a caterpillar (cat-a-pillow).
Is there anything a man with a kodak cannot take? Yes, a hint.
Why do American soldiers never run away? They belong to a standing army.
Why does tying a slow horse to a post improve his pace? It makes him fast.
What is it that a man, no matter how smart he is, overlooks? His own nose.
What goes most against a farmer’s grain? His reaper.
Why may we suppose that Noah had beer in the ark? Because the kangaroo went in with hops, and the bear was always bruin.
Why should potatoes grow better than other vegetables? Because they have eyes to see what they are doing.
A duck before two ducks, a duck behind two ducks, and a duck between two ducks; how many ducks were there in all? Three.
What word of ten letters can be spelled with five? X-p-d-n-c (expediency).
Why should the highest apple on a tree be the best one? Because it is a tip-top apple.
How many fathers has a man? Nine: his father, his godfather, his father-in law, his two grandfathers, and his fore- (four) fathers.
Why would a spider appear to have wings? Because it often takes a fly.
Why is a railroad exceedingly patriotic? It is bound to the country with the strongest ties.
What is the most wonderful acrobatic feat? For a man to revolve in his own mind.
Why is chloroform like Mendelssohn? Because it is the greatest of modern composers.
Do women like to see themselves in print? No; they prefer silk or satin.
Why are bookkeepers like chickens? Because they have to scratch for a living.
Who is the man who invariably finds things dull? The scissors grinder.
Why is the first chicken of a brood like the mainmast of a ship? Because it’s a little ahead of the main hatch.
Why is a book your best friend and companion? Because when it bores you, you can shut it up without giving offense.
Why is a man in front of a crowd well supported? Because he has the press at his back.
What sort of men are most above board in their movements? Chessmen.
Why is playing chess a better occupation than playing cards? Because you play chess with two bishops and cards with four knaves.
When may ladies who are enjoying themselves be said to look wretched? When at the opera, as then they are in tiers.
Why should a minister be believed? Because he is nearly always accurate (a curate).
Why is a mad bull like a man of convivial disposition? Because he offers a horn to everybody he meets.
What should be looked into? A mirror.
Why is the map of Turkey in Europe like a frying pan? Because it has Greece on the bottom.
I partake alike in your joys, and your sorrows, and your home would not be home without me. Letter O.
How many young ladies does it take to reach from New York to Philadelphia? About one hundred, because a miss is as good as a mile.
Why should colts avoid exposure? Because they might take cold and become a little horse (hoarse).
In what respect is matrimony a game of cards? Why, a woman has a heart, a man takes it with a diamond, and after that her hand is his.
When is a new dress older than an old one? When it’s more (moire) antique.
What is the name of the plant most fatal to mice? Cat-nip.
Why is a poor singer like a counterfeiter? Because he is an utterer of bad notes.
I am the first, and one of seven,I live betwixt the seas and heaven;Look not below, for I am not there,My home is in the ancient air.Come to my second, behold how fairI am, how bright and how debonair;A pleasant vision and a beauty,A thing of life and joy and duty;My youth is changed—I live alone,My views are crossed—my hopes are gone;My whole is sorrow, grief and woe,My singing now is all heigh-ho.A lass (alas).
I am the first, and one of seven,I live betwixt the seas and heaven;Look not below, for I am not there,My home is in the ancient air.Come to my second, behold how fairI am, how bright and how debonair;A pleasant vision and a beauty,A thing of life and joy and duty;My youth is changed—I live alone,My views are crossed—my hopes are gone;My whole is sorrow, grief and woe,My singing now is all heigh-ho.A lass (alas).
I am the first, and one of seven,I live betwixt the seas and heaven;Look not below, for I am not there,My home is in the ancient air.Come to my second, behold how fairI am, how bright and how debonair;A pleasant vision and a beauty,A thing of life and joy and duty;My youth is changed—I live alone,My views are crossed—my hopes are gone;My whole is sorrow, grief and woe,My singing now is all heigh-ho.A lass (alas).
I am the first, and one of seven,
I live betwixt the seas and heaven;
Look not below, for I am not there,
My home is in the ancient air.
Come to my second, behold how fair
I am, how bright and how debonair;
A pleasant vision and a beauty,
A thing of life and joy and duty;
My youth is changed—I live alone,
My views are crossed—my hopes are gone;
My whole is sorrow, grief and woe,
My singing now is all heigh-ho.
A lass (alas).
What affection do landlords most appreciate? Parental (pay-rental).
When day breaks, what becomes of the pieces? They go into mourning (morning).
Why are washerwomen the silliest of women? Because they put out their tubs to catch soft water when it rains hard.
Why is a book like a king? Because it has many pages.
When are two apples alike? When pared.
When a colored waiter drops a platter of roast turkey, why does it create a great continental disaster? Because it is the fall of Turkey, the overthrow of Greece, the ruin of Africa, and the breaking up of China.
What time should an inn keeper visit a foundry? When he wants a bar-maid.
Why was Blackstone like an Irish vegetable? Because he was a common ’tatur (commentator).
Why is an author the most wonderful man in the world? Because he is the owner of many tales and they all come out of his head.
What do you call a boy who eats all the melons he can get, whether they are green or old? He is what we call a pains-taking youngster.
What is an eaves-dropper? The icicle.
What trade is certainly one in which a man will never make a cent except by sticking at it? Bill-posting.
Why is a neglected damsel like a fire that has gone out? Because she has not a spark left.
In what place are two heads better than one? In a barrel.
Why are bells used to call people to church? Because they have an inspire-ring influence.
What is that which goes up the hill and down the hill and yet stands still? The road.
What becomes of the chocolate cake when your only son eats it? It vanishes into the empty heir (air).
When is coffee like the soil? When it is ground.
When is a bill like a gun? When it is presented and discharged.
Why is a windy orator like a whale? Because he often rises to spout.
Why is a railroad track a particularly sentimental object? Because it is bound by close ties.
What is society composed of? A mixture of mister-ies and miss-eries.
What is that which increases the more it is shared by others? Happiness.
What is taken from you before you get it? Your portrait.
When is a man, like friendship, most easily tried? When he stands a loan.
What melancholy fact is there about a calendar? There is no time when its days are not numbered.
What is the best food for dyspeptic people? Oysters; because they die-just (digest) before they are eaten.
Who are the men who have made their mark? Those who can’t write.
Why is a distanced horse like a man in a shady place? Because he is out of the heat.
Why are park railings like a lady’s corset? Because they confine a deer (dear).
Do you know what is the oldest piece of furniture in the world? The multiplication table.
What is the debt for which you cannot be sued? The debt of nature.
When are soldiers best able to draw blisters? When they are mustered in the service.
Why is the woodsman’s ax an inconsistent weapon? Because it first cuts a tree down and then cuts it up.
Why is an inn-keeper like a multitude of people? Because he is a host himself.
Why is the blush of modesty like a little girl? Because it becomes a woman.
Why is a bad epigram like a useless pencil? Because it has no point.
If you see a counterfeit coin on the street why should you always pick it up? Because you may be arrested for passing it.
Why is Queen Victoria like a hat? Because they both have crowns.
Why is love always represented as a child? Because it never reaches the age of discretion.
What key opens the penitentiary for a dissipated man? Whis-key.
Why is a pig with a curly continuation like the ghost of Hamlet’s father? Because he could a tail unfold.
Why is a plowed field like feathered game? Because it’s part-ridges.
When is a dog most like a human being? When he is between a man and a boy.
How does a boy look if you hurt him? It makes him yell Oh! (yellow).
Why didn’t the last dove return to the ark? Because she had sufficient ground for remaining.
Why is there some reason to doubt the existence of the Giant’s Causeway? There are so many shamrocks (sham rocks) in Ireland that this may be one of the reasons.
Why are good husbands like dough? Because women need them.
Why is a specimen of extra fine handwriting like a dead pig? Because it is done with the pen.
When does a man feel girlish? When he makes his maiden speech.
What is the difference between an honest and a dishonest laundress? One irons your linen; the other steals it.
What does a husband do who misses a train by which he promised his wife to return? Catches it when he gets home.
What coat is finished without buttons and put on wet? A coat of paint.
What is the greatest surgical operation on record? Lansing, Michigan.
How can you make a tall man short? Borrow money of him.
Why are fixed stars like pens, ink and paper? Because they are stationary (stationery).
Why should a person not like to gaze on the Niagara forever? Because he would always have a cataract in the eye.
What bridge is warranted to support any strain? The bridge of a fiddle.
What is that, which though black itself, enlightens the world? Ink.
Why is it dangerous to go in the woods in spring? Because the bullrush is out, the cowslips around, the grasses have blades, the flowers have pistils, and the little twigs are shooting.
Why are laws like the ocean? The most trouble is caused by the breakers.
Why is the Mississippi the most eloquent of rivers? Because it has a dozen mouths.
Why is the fly the best one among the grocers’ customers? Because, when he comes for sugar, he settles on the spot.
Why does an aeronaut dislike to speak about his trips? It is generally a soar point with him.
Why is a Chinaman never perplexed? Because no matter where he finds himself he always has his cue.
What is the most popular paper at the summer resorts? Fly-paper.
In law courts what relation are the judges, sergeants and counsellors to each other? They are brothers—brothers-in-law.
Why is St. Paul like a white horse? Because they both like Timothy.
Why do men go out of the theatre? Because some plays are so solemn that the men have to go out to smile.
Why is a nail fast in the wall like an old man? Because it is infirm.
What is the difference between love and war? One breaks heads and the other breaks hearts.
What is the difference between man and butter? The older a man gets the weaker he gets, but the older the butter is the stronger it is.
When did Cæsar first visit the Irish? When he crossed the Rhine and went back to bridge it (Bridget).
What light could not possibly be seen in a dark room? An Israe-lite.
How is it that the Queen is a poor gentlewoman? She possesses only one crown.
Why is the letter B like a hot fire? Because it makes oil boil.
Why is an invalid cured by sea-bathing like a confined criminal? Because he is sea-cured (secured).
When does a public speaker steal lumber? When he takes the floor.
Why is the letter A like a honeysuckle? Because a B follows it.
What history is that which repeats itself? The history of nations. Your private history is repeated by your neighbors.
When are two tramps like common time in music? When they are two beats to a bar.
If a two-wheeled wagon is a bicycle, and a three-wheeled wagon is a tricycle, what would you call a five-wheeled one? A V-hicle of course.
Why is a ferry boat like a good rule? Because it works both ways.
What part of London is like a lame man? Cripplegate (cripple-gait).
What robe is that which you cannot weave, you cannot buy, no one can sell, needs no washing, and lasts forever? Robe of Righteousness.
How do we know the nightingales are sports? Because they have a high time after dark.
When is water most likely to escape? When it is only half-tide.
What is always behind time? The back of a clock.
What medicine is a cross dog fond of? Bark and wine (whine).
What is the difference between perseverance and obstinancy? One is a strong will and the other is a strong won’t.
Unable to think, unable to speak, yet tells the truth to all the world? A true balance, or pair of scales.
What country does a crying baby sigh for? More-rock-oh, or Lapland.
Why is a coat worn by a weather-beaten tramp like a man with insomnia? Because it has not had a nap in ten years.
Why are spiders good correspondents? Because they drop a line by every post and at every house.
What does a young lady become when she ceases to be pensive? Ex-pensive.
What is the sure sign of an early spring? A cat watching a hole in the wall with her back up.
A lady asked a gentleman how old he was? He answered, My age is what you do in everything—excel (XL).
Pray find a word that will produce a chair and table? Char-i-table.
Why is it that whenever you are looking for anything you always find it in the last place you look? Because you always stop looking when you find it.
Why is the world like a cat’s tail? Because it is fur to the end of it.
What is the most difficult lock to pick? One from a bald head.
If Rider Haggard had been Lew Wallace, who would “She” have been? “Ben-Hur.”
What would a pig do who wished to build himself a habitation? Tie a knot in his tail and call it a pig’s tie.
Why is snow like a maple tree? Because it leaves in the early spring.
Who is the first nobleman mentioned in the Bible? Baron (barren) figtree.
If a man bumped his head against the top of the room, what article of stationery would he get? Ceiling whacks (sealing wax.)
What is a good thing to part with? A comb.
If your uncle’s sister is not your aunt what relation is she to you? Your mother.
Why is a pig the most provident of all animals? Because he always carries a spare-rib about him.
Why is the church of St. Paul, London, like a bird’s nest? Because it was built by a wren (Sir Christopher Wren).
For what profession are the members of a college boat crew best fitted? For dentistry, because they have a good pull.
Why has a chambermaid more lives than a cat? Because each morning she returns to dust.
Why ought the man who handles the reins on a horse car be successful? Because he does a driving business.
What paradox may often be found in a flower garden? A white pink.
Why do carpenters have great faith in soothsayers? They cannot work without an auger (augur).
What does a yawning policeman resemble? An open-faced watch.
Why is a crow like a lawyer? He likes to have his caws (cause) heard.
What is the political character of a water-wheel? Revolutionary.
Why are umbrellas like good churchmen? They keep Lent so well.
Why is a cat going up three pair of stairs like a high hill? Because she’s a-mountin’.
What three letters give the name of a famous Roman general? C-P-O (Scipio).
Why should England be a very dry country? Because there has been but one reign there in over fifty years.
Why is a nice, but uncultured girl like brown sugar? Because she is sweet but unrefined.
Why are some women very much like tea-kettles? Because they sing away pleasantly and then all at once boil over.
What is the best way to keep fish from smelling? Cut off their noses.
Why should you never confide a secret to your relatives? Because blood will tell.
Which is the easier profession, a doctor’s or a clergyman’s? A clergyman’s: he preaches, the doctor practices.
How can it be proven that a horse has six legs? Because he has fore legs in front and two behind.
How does light get through a prism? It hews (hues) its way through.
When is a pie like a poet? When it is Browning.
What can pass before the sun without making a shadow? The wind.
Why should watermelon be a good name for a newspaper? Because its insides would really be read.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company? Because it is two gross.
When is a tourist in Ireland like a donkey? When he is going to Bray.
Why are people of short memories necessarily covetous? Because they’re always for-getting something.
What is the beginning of every end, and the end of every place? The letter E.
Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayers of a hypocrite? Because it is a solemn sound by a thoughtless tongue.
What letters of the alphabet are most like a Roman emperor? The C’s are.
Why is a sneeze like Niagara? Because it’s a catarrh-act.
When does water resemble a gymnast? When it makes a spring.
What bird is in season all the year? The weather-cock.
What would you expect to find on a literary man’s breakfast table? Bacon’s Remains, Final memories of Lamb, if in season, and Shelley fragments.
When is a sick man a contradiction? When he is an impatient patient.
What is the dog-star announced to be? A sky-terrier.
What is the difference between a tunnel and a speaking trumpet? One is hollowed in, the other is halloaed out.
When may a man be said to be literally immersed in business? When he’s giving a swimming lesson.
What trade should one follow in order to cut a figure in the world? A sculptor.
What wind do we naturally look for after Lent? An Easter-ly one.
How do little fish have a proper idea of business? Not being able to do better, they start on a small scale.
When do cards most resemble wolves? When they belong to a pack.
What vine does beef grow on? The bo-vine.
What is the difference between the Mormons’ religion and their wives? Their religion is singular, but their wives are plural.
When is a man duplicated? When he’s beside himself.