Chapter 55

Hastings.—"Let your brains be knockedout, my good sir; I don't like them."—p.338.

Hard.I'm sorry, gentlemen, that I have nothing you like; but if there be any thing you have a particular fancy to——

Marl.Why really, sir, your bill of fare is so exquisite, that any one part of it is full as good as another. Send us what you please. So much for supper: and now to see that our beds are aired, and properly taken care of.

Hard.I entreat you'll leave all that to me. You shall not stir a step.

Marl.Leave that to you? I protest, sir, you must excuse me; I always look to these things myself.

Hard.I must insist, sir, you'll make yourself easy on that head.

Marl.You see I'm resolved on it.(Aside.) A very troublesome fellow this, as ever I met with.

Hard.Well, sir, I'm resolved at least to attend you. (Aside.) This may be modern modesty, but I never saw anything look so like old-fashioned impudence.

ExeuntMarl.andHard.

Hastings,solus.

Hast.So I find, this fellow's civilities begin to grow troublesome. But who can be angry at those assiduities, which are meant to please him? Ha! what do I see? Miss Neville, by all that's happy!

EnterMiss Neville.

Miss Nev.My dear Hastings! To what unexpected good fortune, to what accident am I to ascribe this happy meeting?

Hast.Rather, let me ask the same question, as I could never have hoped to meet my dear Constance at an inn.

Miss Nev.An inn? sure you mistake! my aunt, my guardian, lives here. What could induce you to think this house an inn?

Hast.My friend, Mr. Marlow, with whom I came down, and I, have been sent here as to an inn, I assure you. A young fellow, whom we accidentally met at a house hard by, directed us hither.

Miss Nev.Certainly it must be one of my hopeful cousin's tricks, of whom you have heard me talk so often, ha! ha! ha! ha!

Hast.He whom your aunt intends for you? He of whom I have such just apprehensions?

Miss Nev.You have nothing to fear from him, I assure you. You'd adore him, if you knew how heartily he despises me. My aunt knows it too,and has undertaken to court me for him; and actually begins to think she has made a conquest.

Hast.Thou dear dissembler! You must know, my Constance, I have just seized this happy opportunity of my friend's visit here, to get admittance into the family. The horses that carried us down, are now fatigued with their journey; but they'll soon be refreshed; and then, if my dearest girl will trust in her faithful Hastings, we shall soon be landed in France; where, even among slaves, the laws of marriage are respected.

Miss Nev.I have often told you that, though ready to obey you, I yet should leave my little fortune behind with reluctance. The greatest part of it was left me by my uncle, the India director, and chiefly consists in jewels. I have been for some time persuading my aunt to let me wear them. I fancy I am very near succeeding. The instant they are put into my possession, you shall find me ready to make them and myself yours.

Hast.Perish the baubles! Your person is all I desire. In the meantime, my friend Marlow must not be let into his mistake; I know the strange reserve of his temper is such, that if abruptly informed of it, he would instantly quit the house, before our plan was ripe for execution.

Miss Nev.But how shall we keep him in the deception? Miss Hardcastle is just returned from walking; what if we still continue to deceive him?—This, this way——

They confer.

EnterMarlow.

Marl.The assiduities of these good people tease me beyond bearing. My host seems to think it ill manners toleave me alone, and so he claps not only himself, but his old-fashioned wife on my back. They talk of coming to sup with us too; and then, I suppose, we are to run the gauntlet through all the rest of the family.—What have we got here?—

Hast.My dear Charles! Let me congratulate you!—The most fortunate accident!—Who do you think is just alighted?

Marl.Cannot guess.

Hast.Our mistresses, boy, Miss Hardcastle and Miss Neville. Give me leave to introduce Miss Constance Neville to your acquaintance. Happening to dine in the neighbourhood, they called, on their return, to take fresh horses here. Miss Hardcastle has just stept into the next room, and will be back in an instant. Wasn't it lucky, eh?

Marl.(Aside.) I have just been mortified enough of all conscience, and here comes something to complete my embarrassment.

Hast.Well, but wasn't it the most fortunate thing in the world?

Marl.Oh! yes. Very fortunate—a most joyful encounter—But our dresses, George, you know, are in disorder—What if we should postpone the happiness till to-morrow?—To-morrow, at her own house—It will be every bit as convenient—And rather more respectful—To-morrow let it be.

Offering to go.

Miss Nev.By no means, sir. Your ceremony will displease her. The disorder of your dress will show the ardour of your impatience: besides, she knows you are in the house, and will permit you to see her.

Marl.O! the devil! how shall I support it? Hem! hem! Hastings, you must not go. You are to assistme, you know. I shall be confoundedly ridiculous. Yet, hang it! I'll take courage. Hem!

Hast.Pshaw, man! it's but the first plunge, and all's over. She's but a woman, you know.

Marl.And of all women, she that I dread most to encounter.

EnterMiss Hardcastle,as returning from walking, a bonnet, &c.

Hast.(Introducing him.) Miss Hardcastle—Mr. Marlow. I'm proud of bringing two persons of such merit together, that only want to know, to esteem each other.

Miss Hard.(Aside.) Now, for meeting my modest gentleman with a demure face, and quite in his own manner. (After a pause, in which he appears very uneasy and disconcerted.) I'm glad of your safe arrival, sir—I'm told, you had some accidents by the way.

Marl.Only a few, madam. Yes, we had some. Yes, madam, a good many accidents; but should be sorry—madam—or rather glad of any accidents—that are so agreeably concluded. Hem!

Hast.(To him.) You never spoke better in your whole life. Keep it up, and I'll ensure you the victory.

Miss Hard.I'm afraid you flatter, sir. You, that have seen so much of the finest company, can find little entertainment in an obscure corner of the country.

Marl.(Gathering courage.) I have lived, indeed, in the world, madam; but I have kept very little company. I have been but an observer upon life, madam, while others were enjoying it.

Miss Nev.But that, I am told, is the way to enjoy it at last.

Hast.(To him.) Cicero never spokebetter. Once more, and you are confirmed in assurance for ever.

Marl.(To him.) Hem! Stand by me, then, and when I'm down, throw in a word or two, to set me up again.

Miss Hard.An observer, like you, upon life, were, I fear, disagreeably employed, since you must have had much more to censure than to approve.

Marl.Pardon me, madam. I was always willing to be amused. The folly of most people is rather an object of mirth than uneasiness.

Hast.(To him.) Bravo, bravo. Never spoke so well in your whole life. Well! Miss Hardcastle, I see, that you and Mr. Marlow are going to be very good company. I believe our being here will but embarrass the interview.

Marl.Not in the least, Mr. Hastings. We like your company of all things. (To him.) Zounds! George, sure you won't go: how can you leave us?

Hast.Our presence will but spoil conversation, so we'll retire to the next room. (To him.) You don't consider, man, that we are to manage a little tête-à-tête of our own.

Exeunt.

Miss Hard.(After a pause.) But you have not been wholly an observer, I presume, sir: the ladies, I should hope, have employed some part of your addresses.

Marl.(Relapsing into timidity.) Pardon me, madam, I—I—I—as yet have studied—only—to—deserve them.

Miss Hard.And that, some say, is the very worst way to obtain them.

Marl.Perhaps so, madam. But I love to converse only with the moregrave and sensible part of the sex.—But I'm afraid I grow tiresome.

Miss Hard.Not at all, sir; there is nothing I like so much as grave conversation myself; I could hear it for ever. Indeed—I have often been surprised how a man ofsentimentcould ever admire those light airy pleasures, where nothing reaches the heart.

Marl.It's—a disease—of the mind, madam. In the variety of tastes there must be some who, wanting a relish—for—um-a-um.

Miss Hard.I understand you, sir. There must be some, who, wanting a relish for refined pleasures, pretend to despise what they are incapable of tasting.

Marl.My meaning, madam, but infinitely better expressed. And I can't help observing—a—

Miss Hard.(Aside.) Who could ever suppose this fellow impudent upon some occasions? (To him.) You were going to observe, sir——

Marl.I was observing, madam—I protest, madam, I forget what I was going to observe.

Miss Hard.(Aside.) I vow, and so do I. (To him.) You were observing, sir, that in this age of hypocrisy, something about hypocrisy, sir.

Marl.Yes, madam; in this age of hypocrisy there are few who, upon strict inquiry, do not—a—a—a—

Miss Hard.I understand you perfectly, sir.

Marl.(Aside.) Egad! and that's more than I do myself.

Miss Hard.You mean that, in this hypocritical age, there are few that do not condemn in public what they practise in private, and think theypay every debt to virtue when they praise it.

Marlow.—"I was observing, madam."—p.342.

Marl.True, madam; those who have most virtue in their mouths, have least of it in their bosoms. But I'm sure I tire you, madam.

Miss Hard.Not in the least, sir; there's something so agreeable, andspirited, in your manner; such life and force—pray, sir, go on.

Marl.Yes, madam; I was saying—that there are some occasions—when a total want of courage, madam, destroys all the—and puts us—upon a—a—a—

Miss Hard.I agree with you entirely; a want of courage upon some occasions, assumes the appearance of ignorance, and betrays us when we most want to excel. I beg you'll proceed.

Marl.Yes, madam; morally speaking, madam—But I see Miss Neville, expecting us in the next room. I would not intrude for the world.

Miss Hard.I protest, sir, I never was more agreeably entertained in all my life. Pray go on.

Marl.Yes, madam; I was—But she beckons us to join her. Madam, shall I do myself the honour to attend you?

Miss Hard.Well then, I'll follow.

Marl.(Aside.) This pretty smooth dialogue has done for me.

Exit.

Miss Hardcastle,sola.

Miss Hard.Ha! ha! ha! Was there ever such a sober sentimental interview? I'm certain he scarce looked in my face the whole time. Yet the fellow, but for his unaccountable bashfulness, is pretty well too. He has good sense; but then, so buried in his fears, that it fatigues one more than ignorance. If I could teach him a little confidence, it would be doing somebody, that I know of, a piece of service. But who is that somebody?—that, faith, is a question I can scarce answer.

Exit.

EnterTonyandMiss Neville,followed byMrs. HardcastleandHastings.

Tony.What do you follow me for,cousin Con? I wonder you're not ashamed, to be so very engaging.

Miss Nev.I hope, cousin, one may speak to one's own relations, and not be to blame?

Tony.Ay, but I know what sort of a relation you want to make me though; but it won't do. I tell you, cousin Con, it won't do, so I beg you'll keep your distance; I want no nearer relationship.

She follows, coquetting him to the back-scene.

Mrs. Hard.Well! I vow, Mr. Hastings, you are very entertaining. There's nothing in the world I love to talk of so much as London, and the fashions, though I was never there myself.

Hast.Never there! You amaze me! From your air and manner, I concluded you had been bred all your life either at Ranelagh, St. James's, or Tower Wharf.

Mrs. Hard.O! sir, you're only pleased to say so. We country persons can have no manner at all. I'm in love with the town, and that serves to raise me above some of our neighbouring rustics; but who can have a manner, that has never seen the Pantheon, the Grotto Gardens, the Borough, and such places, where the nobility chiefly resort? All I can do, is to enjoy London at second-hand. I take care to know every tête-à-tête from the Scandalous Magazine, and have all the fashions, as they come out, in a letter from the two Miss Rickets of Crooked-lane. Pray how do you like this head, Mr. Hastings?

Hast.Extremely elegant anddégagée, upon my word, madam. Your friseur is a Frenchman, I suppose?

Mrs. Hard.I protest I dressed it myself from a print in the Ladies' Memorandum Book for the last year.

Hast.Indeed! such a head in a side-box, at the play-house, would draw as many gazers, as my lady Mayoress at a city ball.

Mrs. Hard.I vow, since inoculation began, there is no such thing to be seen as a plain woman; so one must dress a little particular, or one may escape in the crowd.

Hast.But that can never be your case, madam, in any dress.

Bowing.

Hastings.—"Extremely elegant anddégagée, upon my word, madam."—p.344.

Mrs. Hard.Yet what signifiesmydressing when I have such a piece of antiquity by my side as Mr. Hardcastle? all I can say will not argue down a single button from his clothes. I have often wanted him to throw off his great flaxen wig, and where he was bald, to plaster it over, like my lord Pately, with powder.

Hast.You are right, madam; for as, among the ladies, there are none ugly, so, among the men, there are none old.

Mrs. Hard.But what do you think his answer was? Why, with his usual gothic vivacity, he said, I only wanted him to throw off his wig, to convert it into a tête for my own wearing.

Hast.Intolerable! At your age you may wear what you please, and it must become you.

Mrs. Hard.Pray, Mr. Hastings, what do you take to be the most fashionable age about town?

Hast.Some time ago, forty was all the mode; but I'm told the ladies intend to bring up fifty for the ensuing winter.

Miss Hard.Seriously! then I shall be too young for the fashion.

Hast.No lady begins now to put on jewels till she's past forty. For instance, Miss there, in a polite circle, would be considered as a child, as a mere maker of samplers.

Mrs. Hard.And yet Mrs. Niece thinks herself as much a woman, and is as fond of jewels, as the oldest of us all.

Hast.Your niece, is she? and that young gentleman, a brother of yours, I should presume?

Mrs. Hard.My son, sir. They are contracted to each other. Observe their little sports. They fall in and out ten times a day, as if they were man and wife already. (To them.) Well, Tony, child, what soft things are you saying to your cousin Constance this evening.

Tony.I have been saying no soft things; but that it's very hard to be followed about so. Ecod! I've not a place in the house now, that's left to myself, but the stable.

Mrs. Hard.Never mind him, Con my dear. He's in another story behind your back.

Miss Nev.There's something generous in my cousin's manner. He falls out before faces to be forgiven in private.

Tony.That's a damned confounded—crack.

Mrs. Hard.Ah! he's a sly one. Don't you think they're like each other about the mouth, Mr. Hastings? The Blenkinsop mouth to a T. They're of a size too. Back to back, my pretties, that Mr. Hastings may see you. Come, Tony.

Tony.You had as good not make me, I tell you.

Measuring.

Miss Nev.O lud! he has almost cracked my head.

Mrs. Hard.O, the monster! For shame, Tony. You a man, and behave so!

Tony.If I'm a man, let me have my fortin. Ecod, I'll not be made a fool of no longer.

Mrs. Hard.Is this, ungrateful boy, all that I'm to get for the pains I have taken in your education? I that have rocked you in your cradle, and fed that pretty mouth with a spoon! Did not I work that waistcoat, to make you genteel? Did not I prescribe for you every day, and weep while the receipt was operating?

Tony.Ecod! you had reason to weep, for you have been dosing me ever since I was born. I have gone through every receipt in the Complete Huswife ten times over; and you have thoughts of coursing me throughQuincynext spring. But, ecod! I tell you, I'll not be made a fool of no longer.

Mrs. Hard.Wasn't it all for your good, viper? Wasn't it all for your good?

Tony.I wish you'd let me and mygood alone then. Snubbing this way, when I'm in spirits. If I'm to have any good, let it come of itself; not to keep dinging it, dinging it into one so.

Mrs. Hard.That's false; I never see you when you're in spirits. No, Tony, you then go to the alehouse, or kennel. I'm never to be delighted with your agreeable wild notes, unfeeling monster!

Tony.Ecod! mamma, your own notes are the wildest of the two.

Mrs. Hard.Was ever the like! But I see he wants to break my heart, I see he does.

Hast.Dear madam, permit me to lecture the young gentleman a little. I'm certain I can persuade him to his duty.

Mrs. Hard.Well! I must retire. Come, Constance, my love. You see, Mr. Hastings, the wretchedness of my situation. Was ever poor woman so plagued with a dear, sweet, pretty, provoking, undutiful boy?

ExeuntMrs. Hard.andMiss Neville.

Hastings.Tony.

Tony.(Singing)

There was a young man riding by,And fain would have his will.Rang do didlo dee.

There was a young man riding by,

And fain would have his will.

Rang do didlo dee.

Don't mind her. Let her cry. It's the comfort of her heart. I have seen her and sister cry over a book for an hour together; and they said, they liked the book the better the more it made them cry.

Hast.Then you're no friend to the ladies, I find, my pretty young gentleman?

Tony.That's as I find 'um.

Hast.Not to her of your mother's choosing, I dare answer: and yet sheappears to me a pretty, well-tempered girl.

Tony.That's because you don't know her as well as I. Ecod! I know every inch about her; and there's not a more bitter cantankerous toad in all Christendom.

Hast.(Aside.) Pretty encouragement this for a lover!

Tony.I have seen her since the height of that. She has as many tricks as a hare in a thicket, or a colt the first day's breaking.

Hast.To me she appears sensible and silent.

Tony.Ay, before company. But when she's with her playmates, she's as loud as a hog in a gate.

Hast.But there is a meek modesty about her that charms me.

Tony.Yes; but curb her never so little, she kicks up, and you're flung in a ditch.

Hast.Well; but you must allow her a little beauty.—Yes, you must allow her some beauty.

Tony.Bandbox! She's all a made up thing, mun. Ah! could you but see Bet Bouncer, of these parts, you might then talk of beauty. Ecod, she has two eyes as black as sloes, and cheeks as broad and red as a pulpit cushion. She'd make two of she.

Hast.Well, what say you to a friend that would take this bitter bargain off your hands?

Tony.Anon.

Hast.Would you thank him that would take Miss Neville, and leave you to happiness and your dear Betsy?

Tony.Ay; but where is there such a friend? for who would takeher?

Hast.I am he. If you but assist me, I'll engage to whip her off toFrance, and you shall never hear more of her.

Tony.Assist you! Ecod, I will, to the last drop of my blood. I'll clap a pair of horses to your chaise, that shall trundle you off in a twinkling; and may be, get you a part of her fortin beside, in jewels, that you little dream of.

Hast.My dear 'squire, this looks like a lad of spirit.

Tony.Come along then, and you shall see more of my spirit before you have done with me.Singing.

We are the boys,That fears no noise,Where the thundering cannons roar.

We are the boys,

That fears no noise,

Where the thundering cannons roar.

Exeunt.

ACT III.

EnterHardcastle,solus.

Hard.What could my old friend Sir Charles mean, by recommending his son as the modestest young man in town? To me he appears the most impudent piece of brass that ever spoke with a tongue. He has taken possession of the easy chair by the fireside already. He took off his boots in the parlour, and desired me to see them taken care of. I'm desirous to know how his impudence affects my daughter.—She will certainly be shocked at it.

EnterMiss Hardcastle,plainly dressed.

Hard.Well, my Kate, I see you have changed your dress, as I bid you; and yet, I believe, there was no great occasion.

Miss Hard.I find such a pleasure, sir, in obeying your commands, that I take care to obey them without ever debating their propriety.

Hard.And yet, Kate, I sometimes give you some cause, particularly when I recommended mymodestgentleman to you as a lover to-day.

Miss Hard.You taught me to expect something extraordinary, and I find the original exceeds the description.

Hard.I was never so surprised in my life! He has quite confounded all my faculties!

Miss Hard.I never saw anything like it: and a man of the world too!

Hard.Ay, he learned it all abroad,—what a fool was I, to think a young man could learn modesty by travelling! He might as soon learn wit at a masquerade.

Miss Hard.It seems all natural to him.

Hard.A good deal assisted by bad company, and a French dancing-master.

Miss Hard.Sure you mistake, papa! A French dancing-master could never have taught him that timid look,—that awkward address,—that bashful manner—

Hard.Whose look? whose manner, child?

Miss Hard.Mr. Marlow's: hismauvaise honte, his timidity struck me at the first sight.

Hard.Then your first sight deceived you; for I think him one of the most brazen first-sights that ever astonished my senses.

Miss Hard.Sure, sir, you rally! I never saw any one so modest.

Hard.And can you be serious! I never saw such a bouncing, swaggering puppy, since I was born. Bully Dawson was but a fool to him.

Miss Hardcastle.—"Yes. But upon conditions."—p.350.

Miss Hard.Surprising! he met me with a respectful bow, a stammering voice, and a look fixed on the ground.

Hard.He met me with a loud voice, a lordly air, and a familiarity that made my blood freeze again.

Miss Hard.He treated me with diffidence and respect; censured the manners of the age; admired the prudence of girls that never laughed; tired me with apologies for being tiresome; then left the room with a bow,and, "Madam, I would not for the world detain you."

Hard.He spoke to me, as if he knew me all his life before; asked twenty questions, and never waited for an answer; interrupted my best remarks with some silly pun; and when I was in my best story of the Duke of Marlborough and Prince Eugene, he asked if I had not a good hand at making punch. Yes, Kate, he asked your father if he was a maker of punch!

Miss Hard.One of us must certainly be mistaken.

Hard.If he be what he has shown himself, I'm determined he shall never have my consent.

Miss Hard.And if he be the sullen thing I take him, he shall never have mine.

Hard.In one thing then we are agreed—to reject him.

Miss Hard.Yes. But upon conditions. For if you should find him less impudent, and I more presuming; if you find him more respectful, and I more importunate—I don't know—the fellow is good enough for a man—Certainly we don't meet many such at a horse-race in the country.

Hard.If we should find him so—but that's impossible. The first appearance has done my business. I'm seldom deceived in that.

Miss Hard.And yet there may be many good qualities under that first appearance.

Hard.Ay, when a girl finds a fellow's outside to her taste, she then sets about guessing the rest of his furniture. With her, a smooth face stands for good sense, and a genteel figure, for every virtue.

Miss Hard.I hope, sir, a conversation begun with a compliment to mygood sense, won't end with a sneer at my understanding.

Hard.Pardon me, Kate. But if young Mr. Brazen can find the art of reconciling contradictions, he may please us both, perhaps.

Miss Hard.And as one of us must be mistaken, what if we go to make further discoveries?

Hard.But depend on't I'm in the right.

Miss Hard.And depend on't I'm not much in the wrong.

Exeunt.

EnterTonyrunning in with a casket.

Tony.Ecod! I have got them. Here they are. My cousin Con's necklaces, bobs, and all. My mother shan't cheat the poor souls out of their fortin neither. O! my genius, is that you?

EnterHastings.

Hast.My dear friend, how have you managed with your mother? I hope you have amused her with pretending love for your cousin; and that you are willing to be reconciled at last. Our horses will be refreshed in a short time, and we shall soon be ready to set off.

Tony.And here's something to bear your charges by the way. (Giving the casket.) Your sweetheart's jewels. Keep them; and hang those, I say, that would rob you of one of them.

Hast.But how have you procured them from your mother?

Tony.Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs. I procured them by the rule of thumb. If I had not a key to every drawer in mother's bureau, how could I go to the alehouse so often as I do? An honest manmay rob of himself his own at any time.

Hast.Thousands do it every day. But to be plain with you; Miss Neville is endeavouring to procure them from her aunt this very instant. If she succeeds, it will be the most delicate way at least of obtaining them.

Tony.Well, keep them, till you know how it will be. I know how it will be well enough; she'd as soon part with the only sound tooth in her head.

Hast.But I dread the effects of her resentment, when she finds she has lost them.

Tony.Never you mind her resentment, leavemeto manage that. I don't value her resentment the bounce of a cracker. Zounds! here they are. Morrice. Prance.

ExitHastings.

Tony,Mrs. Hardcastle,Miss Neville.

Mrs. Hard.Indeed, Constance, you amaze me. Such a girl as you want jewels! It will be time enough for jewels, my dear, twenty years hence; when your beauty begins to want repairs.

Miss Nev.But what will repair beauty at forty, will certainly improve it at twenty, madam.

Mrs. Hard.Yours, my dear, can admit of none. That natural blush is beyond a thousand ornaments. Besides, child, jewels are quite out at present. Don't you see half the ladies of our acquaintance, my Lady Kill-day-light, and Mr. Crump, and the rest of them, carry their jewels to town, and bring nothing but paste and marcasites back?

Miss Nev.But who knows, madam, but somebody that shall be namelesswould like me best with all my little finery about me?

Mrs. Hard.Consult your glass, my dear, and then see, if, with such a pair of eyes, you want any better sparklers. What do you think, Tony, my dear, does your cousin Con want jewels, in your eyes to set off her beauty?

Tony.That's as thereafter may be.

Miss Nev.My dear aunt, if you knew how it would oblige me.

Mrs. Hard.A parcel of old fashioned rose and table-cut things. They would make you look like the court of king Solomon at a puppet-show. Besides, I believe I can't readily come at them. They may be missing for aught I know to the contrary.

Tony.(Apart toMrs. Hardcastle.) Then why don't you tell her so at once, as she's so longing for them? Tell her they're lost. It's the only way to quiet her. Say they're lost, and call me to bear witness.

Mrs. Hard.(Apart toTony.) You know, my dear, I'm only keeping them for you. So, if I say they're gone, you'll bear me witness, will you? He! he! he!

Tony.Never fear me. Ecod! I'll say I saw them taken out with mine own eyes.

Miss Nev.I desire them but for a day, madam. Just to be permitted to show them as relics, and then they may be locked up again.

Mrs. Hard.To be plain with you, my dear Constance; if I could find them, you should have them. They're missing, I assure you. Lost, for aught I know; but we must have patience wherever they are.

Miss Nev.I'll not believe it; this is but a shallow pretence to deny me.I know they're too valuable to be so slightly kept, and as you are to answer for the loss.

Mrs. Hard.Don't be alarmed, Constance; if they be lost, I must restore an equivalent. But my son knows they are missing, and not to be found.

Tony.That I can bear witness to. They are missing, and not to be found, I'll take my oath on't.

Mrs. Hard.You must learn resignation, my dear; for though we lose our fortune, yet we should not lose our patience. See me, how calm I am.

Miss Nev.Ay, people are generally calm at the misfortunes of others.

Mrs. Hard.Now, I wonder a girl of your good sense, should waste a thought upon such trumpery. We shall soon find them; and, in the mean time, you shall make use of my garnets, till your jewels be found.

Miss Nev.I detest garnets.

Mrs. Hard.The most becoming things in the world to set off a clear complexion. You have often seen how well they look upon me. Youshallhave them.

Exit.

Miss Nev.I dislike them of all things. You shan't stir.—Was ever anything so provoking? to mislay my own jewels, and force me to wear her trumpery.

Tony.Don't be a fool. If she gives you the garnets, take what you can get. The jewels are your own already. I have stolen them out of her bureau, and she does not know it. Fly to your spark, he'll tell you more of the matter. Leave me to manageher.

Miss Nev.My dear cousin!

Tony.Vanish. She's here, and has missed them already. Zounds! howshe fidgets, and spits about like a Catherine-wheel!

EnterMrs. Hardcastle.

Mrs. Hard.Confusion! thieves! robbers! We are cheated, plundered, broke open, undone.

Tony.What's the matter, what's the matter, mamma? I hope nothing has happened to any of the good family!

Mrs. Hard.We are robbed. My bureau has been broke open, the jewels taken out, and I'm undone.

Tony.Oh! is that all? Ha! ha! ha! By the laws, I never saw it better acted in my life. Ecod, I thought you was ruined in earnest; ha, ha, ha!

Mrs. Hard.Why, boy, Iamruined in earnest. My bureau has been broke open, and all taken away.

Tony.Stick to that; ha, ha, ha! stick to that; I'll bear witness, you know; call me to bear witness.

Mrs. Hard.I tell you, Tony, by all that's precious, the jewels are gone, and I shall be ruined for ever.

Tony.Sure, I know they're gone, and I am to say so.

Mrs. Hard.My dearest Tony, but hear me. They're gone, I say.

Tony.By the laws, mamma, you make me for to laugh; ha! ha! I know who took them well enough, ha! ha! ha!

Mrs. Hard.Was there ever such a blockhead, that can't tell the difference between jest and earnest? I tell you I'm not in jest, booby.

Tony.That's right, that's right. You must be in a bitter passion, and then nobody will suspect either of us. I'll bear witness that they are gone.

Mrs. Hard.Was there ever such a cross-grained brute, that won't hear me! Can you bear witness that you'reno better than a fool? Was ever poor woman so beset with fools on one hand, and thieves on the other?

Tony.I can bear witness to that.

Mrs. Hard.Bear witness again, you blockhead you, and I'll turn you out of the room directly. My poor niece, what will become ofher! Do you laugh, you unfeeling brute, as if you enjoyed my distress?

Tony.I can bear witness to that.

Mrs. Hard.Do you insult me, monster? I'll teach you to vex your mother, I will.

Tony.I can bear witness to that.

He runs off, she follows him.

EnterMiss HardcastleandMaid.

Miss Hard.What an unaccountable creature is that brother of mine, to send them to the house as an inn, ha! ha! I don't wonder at his impudence.

Maid.But what is more, madam, the young gentlemen, as you passed by in your present dress, asked me if you were the bar-maid? He mistook you for the bar-maid, madam.

Miss Hard.Did he? Then, as I live, I'm resolved to keep up the delusion. Tell me, Pimple, how do you like my present dress? Don't you think I look something like Cherry in the Beaux' Stratagem?

Maid.It's the dress, madam, that every lady wears in the country, but when she visits or receives company.

Miss Hard.And are you sure he does not remember my face or person?

Maid.Certain of it.

Miss Hard.I vow, I thought so; for though we spoke for some time together, yet his fears were such, that he never once looked up during the interview. Indeed, if he had, my bonnet would have kept him from seeing me.

Maid.But what do you hope from keeping him in his mistake?

Miss Hard.In the first place I shall beseen, and that is no small advantage to a girl who brings her face to market. Then I shall, perhaps, make an acquaintance, and that's no small victory gained over one, who never addresses any but the wildest of her sex. But my chief aim is to take my gentleman off his guard, and, like an invisible champion of romance, examine the giant's force before I offer to combat.

Maid.But are you sure you can act your part, and disguise your voice, so that he may mistake that, as he has already mistaken your person?

Miss Hard.Never fear me. I think I have got the true bar-cant—Did your honour call?—Attend the Lion there.—Pipes and tobacco for the Angel.—The Lamb has been outrageous this half-hour.

Maid.It will do, madam. But he's here.

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