Warn.I'll lay it as far out of your reach as I can possibly.——For secrets are edged tools,And must be kept from children and from fools.[Exeunt.
Warn.I'll lay it as far out of your reach as I can possibly.——For secrets are edged tools,And must be kept from children and from fools.[Exeunt.
EnterRoseandWarnermeeting.
Rose.Your worship's most happily encountered.
Warn.Your ladyship's most fortunately met.
Rose.I was going to your lodging.
Warn.My business was to yours.
Rose.I have something to say to you that——
Warn.I have that to tell you——
Rose.Understand then——
Warn.If you'll hear me——
Rose.I believe that——
Warn.I am of opinion, that——
Rose.Pry'thee hold thy peace a little, till I have done.
Warn.Cry you mercy, Mrs Rose; I'll not dispute your ancient privilege of talking.
Rose.My mistress, knowing Sir John was to be abroad upon business this afternoon, has asked leave to see a play: And Sir John has so great a confidence of your master, that he will trust no body with her, but him.
Warn.If my master gets her out, I warrant her, he shall shew her a better play than any is at either of the houses—here they are: I'll run and prepare him to wait upon her.[Exit.
Enter oldMoody,MrsMillisent,and LadyDupe.
Mill.My hoods and scarfs there, quickly.
L. Dupe.Send to call a coach there.
Mood.But what kind of man is this Sir Martin, with whom you are to go?
L. Dupe.A plain down-right country-gentleman, I assure you.
Mood.I like him much the better for it. For I hate one of those you call a man of the town, one of those empty fellows of mere out-side: They have nothing of the true old English manliness.
Rose.I confess, sir, a woman's in a bad condition, that has nothing to trust to, but a peruke above, and a well-trimmed shoe below.
To them SirMartin.
Mill.This, sir, is Sir John's friend; he is for your humour, sir; he is no man of the town, but bred up in the old Elizabeth way of plainness.
Sir Mart.Ay, madam, your ladyship may say your pleasure of me.
To themWarner.
Warn.How the devil got he here before me! 'Tis very unlucky I could not see him first.
Sir Mart.But, as for painting, music, poetry, and the like, I'll say this of myself——
Warn.I'll say that for him, my master understands none of them, I assure you, sir.
Sir Mart.You impudent rascal, hold your tongue: I must rid my hands of this fellow; the rogue is ever discrediting me before company.
Mood.Never trouble yourself about it, sir, for I like a man that—
Sir Mart.I know you do, sir, and therefore I hope you'll think never the worse of me for his prating: For, though I do not boast of my own good parts——
Warn.He has none to boast of, upon my faith, sir.
Sir Mart.Give him not the hearing, sir; for, if I may believe my friends, they have flattered me with an opinion of more——
Warn.Of more than their flattery can make good, sir; 'tis true he tells you, they have flattered him; but, in my conscience, he is the most down-right simple-natured creature in the world.
Sir Mart.I shall consider you hereafter, sirrah; but I am sure in all companies I pass for a virtuoso.
Mood.Virtuoso! What's that too? is not virtue enough without O so?
Sir Mart.You have reason, sir.
Mood.There he is again too; the town phrase; a great compliment I wis!you have reason, sir; that is, you are no beast, sir.
Warn.A word in private, sir; you mistake this old man; he loves neither painting, music, nor poetry; yet recover yourself, if you have any brains.[Aside to him.
Sir Mart.Say you so? I'll bring all about again, I warrant you.—I beg your pardon a thousand times, sir; I vow to gad I am not master of any of those perfections; for, in fine, sir, I am wholly ignorant of painting, music, and poetry; only some rude escapes; but, in fine, they are such, that, in fine, sir——
Warn.This is worse than all the rest.[Aside.
Mood.By coxbones, one word more of all this gibberish, and old Madge shall fly about your ears: What is this,in fine, he keeps such a coil with too?
Mill.'Tis a phrasea-la-mode, sir; and is used in conversation now, as a whiff of tobacco was formerly in the midst of a discourse for a thinking while.
L. Dupe.In plain English,in fineis, in the end, sir.
Mood.But, by coxbones, there is no end on't, methinks: If thou wilt have a foolish word to lard thy lean discourse with, take an English one when thou speakest English! as, so sir, and then sir, and so forth; 'tis a more manly kind of nonsense: And a pox of,in fine, for I'll hear no more on't.
Warn.He's gravelled, and I must help him out. [Aside.] Madam, there's a coach at the door, to carry you to the play.
Sir Mart.Which house do you mean to go to?
Mill.The Duke's, I think.
Sir Mart.It is a damn'd play, and has nothing in't.
Mill.Then let us to the king's.
Sir Mart.That's e'en as bad.
Warn.This is past enduring. [Aside.] There was an ill play set up, sir, on the posts; but I can assureyou the bills are altered since you saw them, and now there are two admirable comedies at both houses.
Mood.But my daughter loves serious plays.
Warn.They are tragi-comedies, sir, for both.
Sir Mart.I have heard her say, she loves none but tragedies.
Mood.Where have you heard her say so, sir?
Warn.Sir, you forget yourself; you never saw her in your life before.
Sir Mart.What, not at Canterbury, in the Cathedral church there? This is the impudentest rascal——
Warn.Mum, sir.
Sir Mart.Ah Lord, what have I done! As I hope to be saved, sir, it was before I was aware; for if ever I set eyes on her before this day, I wish—
Mood.This fellow is not so much fool, as he makes one believe he is.
Mill.I thought he would be discovered for a wit: This 'tis to over-act one's part![Aside.
Mood.Come away, daughter, I will not trust you in his hands; there's more in it than I imagined.[ExeuntMoody,Mill.LadyDupe,andRose.
Sir Mart.Why do you frown upon me so, when you know your looks go to the heart of me? What have I done besides a littlelapsus linguæ?
Warn.Why, who says you have done any thing? You, a mere innocent!
Sir Mart.As the child that's to be born, in my intentions; if I know how I have offended myself any more than——in one word——
Warn.But don't follow me, however: I have nothing to say to you.
Sir Mart.I'll follow you to the world's end, till you forgive me.
Warn.I am resolved to lead you a dance then.[Exit running.
Sir Mart.The rogue has no mercy in him; but I must mollify him with money.[Exit.
Enter LadyDupe.
L. Dupe.Truly, my little cousin's the aptest scholar, and takes out love's lessons so exactly, that I joy to see it; She has got already the bond of two thousand pounds sealed for her portion, which I keep for her; a pretty good beginning: 'Tis true, I believe he has enjoyed her, and so let him; Mark Antony wooed not at so dear a price.
Enter, to her,Christian.
Chr.O madam, I fear I am breeding!
L. Dupe.A taking wench! but 'tis no matter; have you told any body?
Chr.I have been venturing upon your foundations, a little to dissemble.
L. Dupe.That's a good child; I hope it will thrive with thee, as it has with me: Heaven has a blessing in store upon our endeavours.
Chr.I feigned myself sick, and kept my bed; my lord, he came to visit me, and, in the end, I disclosed it to him, in the saddest passion!
L. Dupe.This frightened him, I hope, into a study how to cloak your disgrace, lest it should have vent to his lady.
Chr.'Tis true; but all the while I subtly drove it, that he should name you to me as the fittest instrument of the concealment; but how to break it to you, strangely does perplex him. He has been seeking you all over the house; therefore, I'll leave your ladyship, for fear we should be seen together.[Exit.
L. Dupe.Now I must play my part;Nature, in women, teaches more than art.
L. Dupe.Now I must play my part;Nature, in women, teaches more than art.
Enter Lord.
Lord.Madam, I have a secret to impart; a sad one too, and have no friend to trust, but only you.
L. Dupe.Your lady, or your children, sick?
Lord.Not that I know.
L. Dupe.You seem to be in health.
Lord.In body, not in mind.
L. Dupe.Some scruple of conscience, I warrant; my chaplain shall resolve you.
Lord.Madam, my soul's tormented.
L. Dupe.O take heed of despair, my lord!
Lord.Madam, there is no medicine for this sickness, but only you; your friendship's my safe haven, else I am lost, and shipwrecked.
L. Dupe.Pray tell me what it is.
Lord.Could I express it by sad sighs and groans, or drown it with myself in seas of tears, I should be happy,—would, and would not tell.
L. Dupe.Command whatever I can serve you in; I will be faithful still to all your ends, provided they be just and virtuous.
Lord.That word has stopt me.
L. Dupe.Speak out, my lord, and boldly tell what 'tis.
Lord.Then, in obedience to your commands; your cousin is with child.
L. Dupe.Which cousin?
Lord.Your cousin Christian, here in the house.
L. Dupe.Alas! then she has stolen a marriage, and undone herself: Some young fellow, on my conscience, that's a beggar; youth will not be advised: well, I'll never meddle more with girls; one is no more assured of them, than grooms of mules; they'll strike when least one thinkson't: But pray, your lordship, what is her choice then for a husband?
Lord.She——is not married, that I know of, madam.
L. Dupe.Not married! 'tis impossible; the girl does sure abuse you. I know her education has been such, the flesh could not prevail; therefore, she does abuse you, it must be so.
Lord.Madam, not to abuse you longer, she is with child, and I the unfortunate man, who did this most unlucky act.
L. Dupe.You! I'll never believe it.
Lord.Madam, 'tis too true; believe it, and be serious how to hide her shame; I beg it here upon my knees.
L. Dupe.Oh, oh, oh![She faints away.
Lord.Who's there? Who's there? Help, help, help!
Enter two women,Rose,and MrsMillisent.
1 Wom.O merciful God, my lady's gone!
2 Wom.Whither?
1 Wom.To heaven; God knows, to heaven!
Rose.Rub her, rub her; fetch warm clothes!
2 Wom.I say, run to the cabinet of quintessence; Gilbert's water! Gilbert's water!
1 Wom.Now all the good folks of heaven look down upon her!
Mill.Set her in the chair.
Rose.Open her mouth with a dagger or a key; pour, pour! Where's the spoon?
2 Wom.She stirs! she revives! merciful to us all! what a thing was this? speak, lady, speak!
L. Dupe.So, so, so!
Mill.Alas! my lord, how came this fit?
Lord.With sorrow, madam.
L. Dupe.Now I am better: Bess, you have not seen me thus?
1 Wom.Heaven forefend that I should live to see you so again.
L. Dupe.Go, go, I'm pretty well; withdraw into the next room; but be near, I pray, for fear of the worst. [They go out.] My lord, sit down near me, I pray; I'll strive to speak a few words to you, and then to bed; nearer, my voice is faint. My lord, heaven knows how I have ever loved you; and is this my reward? Had you none to abuse but me in that unfortunate fond girl, that you know was dearer to me than my life? This was not love to her, but an inveterate malice to poor me. Oh, oh![Faints again.
Lord.Help, help, help!
All the women again.
1 Wom.This fit will carry her: Alas, it is a lechery!
2 Wom.The balsam, the balsam!
1 Wom.No, no, the chemistry oil of rosemary: Hold her up, and give her air.
Mill.Feel whether she breathes, with your hand before her mouth.
Rose.No, madam, 'tis key-cold.
1 Wom.Look up, dear madam, if you have any hope of salvation!
2 Wom.Hold up your finger, madam, if you have any hope of fraternity. O the blessed saints, that hear me not, take her mortality to them!
L. Dupe.Enough, so, 'tis well—withdraw, and let me rest a while; only my dear lord remain.
1 Wom.Pray your lordship keep her from swebbing.[Exeunt women.
Lord.Here humbly, once again, I beg your pardon and your help.
L. Dupe.Heaven forgive you, and I do: Standup, my lord, and sit close by me: O this naughty girl! But did your lordship win her soon?
Lord.No, madam, but with much difficulty.
L. Dupe.I'm glad on't; it shewed the girl had some religion in her; all my precepts were not in vain: But you men are strange tempters; good my lord, where was this wicked act, then, first committed?
Lord.In an out-room, upon a trunk.
L. Dupe.Poor heart, what shifts love makes! Oh, she does love you dearly, though to her ruin! And then, what place, my lord?
Lord.An old waste room, with a decayed bed in't.
L. Dupe.Out upon that dark room for deeds of darkness! and that rotten bed! I wonder it did hold your lordship's vigour: But you dealt gently with the girl. Well, you shall see I love you: For I will manage this business to both your advantages, by the assistance of heaven I will; good my lord, help, lead me out.[Exeunt.
EnterWarnerandRose.
Rose.A mischief upon all fools! do you think your master has not done wisely? First to mistake our old man's humour; then to dispraise the plays; and, lastly, to discover his acquaintance with my mistress: My old master has taken such a jealousy of him, that he will never admit him into his sight again.
Warn.Thou makest thyself a greater fool than he, by being angry at what he cannot help. I have been angry with him too; but these friends have taken up the quarrel. [Shews gold.] Look you, he has sent these mediators to mitigate your wrath: Here are twenty of them have made a long voyage from Guinea to kiss your hands: And when the match ismade, there are an hundred more in readiness to be your humble servants.
Rose.Rather than fall out with you, I'll take them; but I confess, it troubles me to see so loyal a lover have the heart of an emperor, and yet scarce the brains of a cobler.
Warn.Well, what device can we two beget betwixt us, to separate Sir John Swallow and thy mistress?
Rose.I cannot on the sudden tell; but I hate him worse than foul weather without a coach.
Warn.Then I'll see if my project be luckier than thine. Where are the papers concerning the jointure I have heard you speak of?
Rose.They lie within, in three great bags; some twenty reams of paper in each bundle, with six lines in a sheet: But there is a little paper where all the business lies.
Warn.Where is it? Canst thou help me to it?
Rose.By good chance he gave it to my custody, before he set out for London. You came in good time; here it is, I was carrying it to him; just now he sent for it.
Warn.So, this I will secure in my pocket; when thou art asked for it, make two or three bad faces, and say it was left behind: By this means, he must of necessity leave the town, to see for it in Kent.
Enter SirJohn,SirMartin,and MrsMillisent.
Sir John.'Tis no matter, though the old man be suspicious; I knew the story all beforehand; and since then you have fully satisfied me of your true friendship to me.—Where are the writings?[ToRose.
Rose.Sir, I beg your pardon; I thought I had put them up amongst my lady's things, and it seems, in my haste, I quite forgot them, and left them at Canterbury.
Sir John.This is horribly unlucky! where do you think you left them?
Rose.Upon the great box in my lady's chamber; they are safe enough, I'm sure.
Sir John.It must be so—I must take post immediately: Madam, for some few days I must be absent; and to confirm you, friend, how much I trust you, I leave the dearest pledge I have on earth, my mistress, to your care.
Mill.If you loved me, you would not take all occasions to leave me thus.
Warn.[Aside.] Do, go to Kent, and when you come again, here they are ready for you.[Shews the paper.
Sir Mart.What's that you have in your hand there, sirrah?
Warn.Pox, what ill luck was this! what shall I say?
Sir Mart.Sometimes you have tongue enough; what, are you silent?
Warn.'Tis an account, sir, of what money you have lost since you came to town.
Sir Mart.I am very glad on't: Now I'll make you all see the severity of my fortune——give me the paper.
Warn.Heaven! what does he mean to do? It is not fair writ out, sir.
Sir John.Besides, I am in haste; another time, sir——
Sir Mart.Pray, oblige me, sir; 'tis but one minute: All people love to be pitied in their misfortunes, and so do I: will you produce it, sirrah?
Warn.Dear master!
Sir Mart.Dear rascal! am I master, or you, you rogue?
Warn.Hold yet, sir, and let me read it: You cannot read my hand.
Sir Mart.This is ever his way to be disparagingme; but I'll let you see, sirrah, that I can read your hand better than you yourself can.
Warn.You'll repent it; there's a trick in't, sir.
Sir Mart.Is there so, sirrah? but I'll bring you out of all your tricks with a vengeance to you——[Reads.] How now! What's this? A true particular of the estate of Sir John Swallow, knight, lying and situate in, &c.
Sir John.This is the very paper I had lost: I'm very glad on't; [Takes the paper.] it has saved me a most unwelcome journey—but I will not thank you for the courtesy, which now I find you never did intend me—this is confederacy, I smoke it now—come, madam, let me wait on you to your father.
Mill.Well, of a witty man, this was the foolishest part that ever I beheld.[Exeunt SirJohn,Millisent,andRose.
Sir Mart.I am a fool, I must confess it; and I am the most miserable one without thy help—but yet it was such a mistake as any man might have made.
Warn.No doubt of it.
Sir Mart.Pr'ythee chide me! this indifference of thine wounds me to the heart.
Warn.I care not.
Sir Mart.Wilt thou not help me for this once?
Warn.Sir, I kiss your hands, I have other business.
Sir Mart.Dear Warner!
Warn.I am inflexible.
Sir Mart.Then I am resolved I'll kill myself.
Warn.You are master of your own body.
Sir Mart.Will you let me damn my soul?
Warn.At your pleasure, as the devil and you can agree about it.
Sir Mart.D'ye see, the point's ready? Will you do nothing to save my life?
Warn.Not in the least.
Sir Mart.Farewell, hard-hearted Warner.
Warn.Adieu, soft-headed Sir Martin.
Sir Mart.Is it possible?
Warn.Why don't you despatch, sir? why all these preambles?
Sir Mart.I'll see thee hanged first: I know thou wouldst have me killed, to get my clothes.
Warn.I knew it was but a copy of your countenance; people in this age are not so apt to kill themselves.
Sir Mart.Here are yet ten pieces in my pocket; take 'em, and let's be friends.
Warn.You know the easiness of my nature, and that makes you work upon it so. Well, sir, for this once I cast an eye of pity on you; but I must have ten more in hand, before I can stir a foot.
Sir Mart.As I am a true gamester, I have lost all but these; but if thou'lt lend me them, I'll give 'em thee again.
Warn.I'll rather trust you till to-morrow;Once more look up, I bid you hope the best.Why should your folly make your love miscarry,Since men first play the fools, and then they marry?[Exeunt.
Warn.I'll rather trust you till to-morrow;Once more look up, I bid you hope the best.Why should your folly make your love miscarry,Since men first play the fools, and then they marry?[Exeunt.
Enter SirMartin Mar-allandWarner.
Sir Mart.But are they to be married this day in private, say you?
Warn.'Tis so concluded, sir, I dare assure you.
Sir Mart.But why so soon, and in private?
Warn.So soon, to prevent the designs upon her; and in private, to save the effusion of Christian money.
Sir Mart.It strikes to my heart already; in fine, I am a dead man. Warner—
Warn.Well, go your ways, I'll try what may be done. Look if he will stir now; your rival and the old man will see us together; we are just below the window.
Sir Mart.Thou canst not do it.
Warn.On the peril of my twenty pieces be it.
Sir Mart.But I have found a way to help thee out; trust to my wit but once.
Warn.Name your wit, or think you have the least grain of wit but once more, and I'll lay it down for ever.
Sir Mart.You are a saucy, masterly companion; and so I leave you.[Exit.
Warn.Help, help, good people! Murder, Murder!
Enter SirJohnandMoody.
Sir John and Mood.How now, what's the matter?
Warn.I am abused, I am beaten, I am lamed for ever.
Mood.Who has used thee so?
Warn.The rogue, my master.
Sir John.What was the offence?
Warn.A trifle, just nothing.
Sir John.That's very strange.
Warn.It was for telling him he lost too much at play: I meant him nothing but well, heaven knows; and he, in a cursed damned humour, would needs revenge his losses upon me: and kicked me, took away my money, and turned me off; but, if I take it at his hands,—
Mood.By cox-nowns, it was an ill-natured part; nay, I thought no better would come on't, when I heard him at his vow to gads, and in fines.
Warn.But, if I live, I'll cry quittance with him: he had engaged me to get Mrs Millisent, your daughter, for him; but if I do not all I can to make her hate him! a great booby, an overgrown oaf, a conceited Bartlemew—
Sir John.Pr'ythee leave off thy choler, and hear me a little: I have had a great mind to thee a long time; if thou thinkest my service better than his, from this minute I entertain thee.
Warn.With all my heart, sir; and so much the rather, that I might spite him with it. This was the most propitious fate—
Mood.Propitious! and fate! what a damned scanderbag rogue art thou, to talk at this rate? Hark you, sirrah, one word more of this gibberish, and I'll set you packing from your new service: I'll have neither propitious nor fate come within my doors.
Sir John.Nay, pray, father—
Warn.Good old sir, be pacified; I was pouring out a little of the dregs that I had left in me of my former service, and now they are gone, my stomach's clear of them.
Sir John.This fellow is come in a happy hour; for now, sir, you and I may go to prepare the licence, and, in the mean time, he may have an eye upon your daughter.
Warn.If you please I'll wait upon her till she's ready, and then bring her to what church you shall appoint.
Mood.But, friend, you'll find she'll hang an arse, and be very loath to come along with you, and therefore I had best stay behind and bring her myself.
Warn.I warrant you I have a trick for that, sir: She knows nothing of my being turned away; so I'll come to her as from Sir Martin, and, under pretence of carrying her to him, conduct her to you.
Sir John.My better angel—
Mood.By the mass, 'twas well thought on; well, son, go you before, I'll speak but one word for a dish or two at dinner, and follow you to the licence office. Sirrah, stay you here, till my return.[Exeunt SirJohnandMoody.
Warn.Was there ever such a lucky rogue as I? I had always a good opinion of my wit, but could never think I had so much as now I find. I have now gained an opportunity to carry away Mrs Millisent, for my master to get his mistress by means of his rival, to receive all his happiness, where he could expect nothing but misery: After this exploit, I will have Lilly draw me in the habit of a hero, with a laurel on my temples, and an inscription below it;This is Warner, the flower of serving-men.
Enter Messenger.
Mess.Pray do me the favour to help me to the speech of Mr Moody.
Warn.What's your business?
Mess.I have a letter to deliver to him.
Warn.Here he comes, you may deliver it yourself to him.
EnterMoody.
Mess.Sir, a gentleman met me at the corner of the next street, and bid me give this into your own hands.
Mood.Stay, friend, till I have read it.
Mess.He told me, sir, it required no answer.[Exit Mess.
Mood. reads.Sir, permit me, though a stranger, to give you counsel; some young gallants have had intelligence, that this day you intend privately to marry your daughter, the rich heiress; and, in fine, above twenty of them have dispersed themselves to watch her going out: Therefore, put it off, if you will avoid mischief, and be advised byYour unknown servant.
Mood.By the mackings, I thought there was no good in't, when I sawin finethere; there are some Papishes, I'll warrant, that lie in wait for my daughter; or else they are no Englishmen, but some of your French Outalian-rogues; I owe him thanks, however, this unknown friend of mine, that told me on't. Warner, no wedding to-day, Warner.
Warn.Why, what's the matter, sir?
Mood.I say no more, but some wiser than some; I'll keep my daughter at home this afternoon, and a fig for all these Outalians.[ExitMoody.
Warn.So, here's another trick of fortune, as unexpected for bad, as the other was for good. Nothing vexes me, but that I had made my game cock-sure, and then to be back-gammoned: It must needs be the devil that writ this letter; he owed my master a spite, and has paid him to the purpose: And here he comes as merry too! he little thinks what misfortune has befallen him; and, for my part, I am ashamed to tell him.
Enter SirMartinlaughing.
Sir Mart.Warner, such a jest, Warner![Laughs again.
Warn.What a murrain is the matter, sir? Where lies this jest that tickles you?
Sir Mart.Let me laugh out my laugh, and I'll tell thee.[Laughs again.
Warn.I wish you may have cause for all this mirth.
Sir Mart.Hereafter, Warner, be it known unto thee, I will endure no more to be thy May-game: Thou shalt no more dare to tell me, I spoil thy projects, and discover thy designs; for I have played such a prize, without thy help, of my own mother-wit, ('tis true I am hasty sometimes, and so do harm; but when I have a mind to shew myself, there's no man in England, though I say't, comes near me as to point of imagination) I'll make thee acknowledge I have laid a plot that has a soul in't.
Warn.Pray, sir, keep me no longer in ignorance of this rare invention.
Sir Mart.Know then, Warner, that, when I left thee, I was possessed with a terrible fear, that my mistress should be married: Well, thought I to myself,—and mustering up all the forces of my wit, I did produce such a stratagem!
Warn.But what was it?
Sir Mart.I feigned a letter as from an unknown friend to Moody, wherein I gave him to understand, that if his daughter went out this afternoon, she would infallibly be snapped by some young fellows that lay in wait for her.
Warn.Very good.
Sir Mart.That which follows is yet better; for he I sent assures me, that in that very nick of time my letter came, her father was just sending her abroad with a very foolish rascally fellow, that was with him.
Warn.And did you perform all this, a'God's name? Could you do this wonderful miracle without giving your soul to the devil for his help?
Sir Mart.I tell thee, man, I did it; and it was done by the help of no devil, but this familiar of my own brain; how long would it have been ere thou couldst have thought of such a project? Martin said to his man,Who's the fool now?
Warn.Who's the fool! why, who uses to be the fool? he that ever was since I knew him, and ever will be so.
Sir Mart.What a pox! I think thou art grown envious; not one word in my commendation?
Warn.Faith, sir, my skill is too little to praise you as you deserve; but if you would have it according to my poor ability, you are one that had a knock in your cradle, a conceited lack-wit, a designing ass, a hair-brained fop, a confounded busy-brain, with an eternal windmill in it; this, in short, sir, is the contents of your panegyric.
Sir Mart.But what the devil have I done, to set you thus against me?
Warn.Only this, sir: I was the foolish rascally fellow that was with Moody, and your worship was he to whom I was to bring his daughter.
Sir Mart.But how could I know this? I am no witch.
Warn.No, I'll be sworn for you, you are no conjurer. Will you go, sir?
Sir Mart.Will you hear my justification?
Warn.Shall I see the back of you? speak not a word in your defence.[Shoves him.
Sir Mart.This is the strangest luck now——[Exit.
Warn.I'm resolved this devil of his shall never weary me; I will overcome him, I will invent something that shall stand good in spite of his folly. Let me see—
Enter Lord.
Lord.Here he is—I must venture on him, for the tyranny of this old lady is unsupportable; since I have made her my confident, there passes not an hour, but she passes a pull at my purse-strings; I shall be ruined if I do not quit myself of her suddenly: I find, now, by sadexperience, that a mistress is much more chargeable than a wife, and after a little time too, grows full as dull and insignificant.—Mr Warner! have you a mind to do yourself a courtesy, and me another?
Warn.I think, my lord, the question need not be much disputed, for I have always had a great service for your lordship, and some little kindness for myself.
Lord.What if you should propose mistress Christian as a wife to your master? You know he's never like to compass t'other.
Warn.I cannot tell that, my lord.
Lord.Five hundred pounds are yours at the day of marriage.
Warn.Five hundred pounds! 'tis true, the temptation is very sweet and powerful; the devil, I confess, has done his part, and many a good murder and treason have been committed at a cheaper rate; but yet——
Lord.What yet?
Warn.To confess the truth, I am resolved to bestow my master upon that other lady (as difficult as your lordship thinks it), for the honour of my wit is engaged in it: Will it not be the same to your lordship, were she married to any other?
Lord.The very same.
Warn.Come, my lord, not to dissemble with you any longer, I know where it is that your shoe wrings you: I have observed something in the house, betwixt some parties that shall be nameless: And know, that you have been taking up linen at a much dearer rate, than you might have had it in any draper's in town.
Lord.I see I have not danced in a net before you.
Warn.As for that old lady, whom hell confound, she is the greatest jilt in nature; cheat is her study; all her joy to cozen; she loves nothing but herself; and draws all lines to that corrupted centre.
Lord.I have found her out, though late: First, I'll undertake I ne'er enjoyed her niece under the rate of five hundred pounds a-time; never was woman's flesh held up so high: Every night I find out for a new maidenhead, and she has sold it me as often as ever Mother Temple, Bennet, or Gifford, have put off boiled capons for quails and partridges.
Warn.This is nothing to what bills you'll have when she's brought to bed, after her hard bargain, as they call it; then crammed capons, pea-hens, chickens in the grease, pottages, and fricasees, wine from Shatling, and La-fronds, with New River, clearer by sixpence the pound than ever God Almighty made it; then midwife—dry nurse—wet nurse—and all the rest of their accomplices, with cradle, baby-clouts, and bearing-clothes—possets, caudles, broths, jellies, and gravies; and behind all these, glisters, suppositers, and a barbarous apothecary's bill, more inhuman than a tailor's.
Lord.I sweat to think on't.
Warn.Well, my lord, cheer up! I have found a way to rid you of it all; within a short time you shall know more; yonder appears a young lady, whom I must needs speak with; please you go in, and prepare the old lady and your mistress.
Lord.Good luck, and five hundred pounds attend thee.[Exit.
EnterMillisentandRoseabove.
Mill.I am resolved I'll never marry him.
Rose.So far you are right, madam.
Mill.But how to hinder it, I cannot possibly tell; for my father presses me to it, and will take no denial: Would I knew some way!
Warn.Madam, I'll teach you the very nearest, for I have just now found it out.
Rose.Are you there, Mr Littleplot?
Warn.Studying to deserve thee, Rose, by my diligence for thy lady; I stand here, methinks, just like a wooden Mercury, to point her out the way to matrimony.
Rose.Or, serving-man like, ready to carry up the hot meat for your master, and then to fall upon the cold yourself.
Warn.I know not what you call the cold, but I believe I shall find warm work on't: In the first place, then, I must acquaint you, that I have seemingly put off my master, and entered myself into Sir John's service.
Mill.Most excellent!
Warn.And thereupon, but base——
EnterMoody.
Mill.Something he would tell us; but see what luck's here!
Mood.How now, sirrah? Are you so great there already?
Mill.I find my father's jealous of him still.
Warn.Sir, I was only teaching my young lady a new song, and if you please you shall hear it.