SCENE 2.3.A ROOM IN MOROSE'S HOUSE.ENTER MOROSE AND MUTE, FOLLOWED BY CUTBEARD WITH EPICOENE.MOR: Welcome Cutbeard! draw near with your fair charge: and in herear softly entreat her to unmasthey.[EPI. TAKES OFF HER MASK.]—So! Is the door shut?[MUTE MAKES A LEG.]—Enough. Now, Cutbeard, with the same discipline I use to myfamily, I will question you. As I conceive, Cutbeard, thisgentlewoman is she you have provided, and brought, in hope shewill fit me in the place and person of a wife? Answer me not, butwith your leg, unless it be otherwise:[CUT. MAKES A LEG.]—Very well done, Cutbeard. I conceive, besides, Cutbeard, youhave been pre-acquainted with her birth, education, and qualities,or else you would not prefer her to my acceptance, in the weightyconsequence of marriage.[CUT. MAKES A LEG.]—This I conceive, Cutbeard. Answer me not but with your leg, unlessit be otherwise.[CUT. BOWS AGAIN.]—Very well done, Cutbeard. Give aside now a little, and leave me toexamine her condition, and aptitude to my affection.[HE GOES ABOUT HER, AND VIEWS HER.]—She is exceeding fair, and of a special good favour; a sweetcomposition or harmony of limbs: her temper of beauty has thetrue height of my blood. The knave hath exceedingly well fitted mewithout: I will now try her within. Come near, fair gentlewoman:let not my behaviour seem rude, though unto you, being rare, itmay haply appear strange.[EPICOENE CURTSIES.]—Nay, lady, you may speak, though Cutbeard and my man, might not;for, of all sounds, only the sweet voice of a fair lady has thejust length of mine ears. I beseech you, say, lady; out of thefirst fire of meeting eyes, they say, love is stricken: do youfeel any such motion suddenly shot into you, from any part you seein me? ha, lady?[EPICOENE CURTSIES.]—Alas, lady, these answers by silent curtsies from you are toocourtless and simple. I have ever had my breeding in court: andshe that shall be my wife, must be accomplished with courtly andaudacious ornaments. Can you speak, lady?EPI: [softly.] Judge you, forsooth.MOR: What say you, lady? speak out, I beseech you.EPI: Judge you, forsooth.MOR: On my judgment, a divine softness! But can you naturally,lady, as I enjoin these by doctrine and industry, refer yourselfto the search of my judgment, and, not taking pleasure in yourtongue, which is a woman's chiefest pleasure, think it plausibleto answer me by silent gestures, so long as my speeches jumpright with what you conceive?[EPI. CURTSIES.]—Excellent! divine! if it were possible she should hold out thus!Peace, Cutbeard, thou art made for ever, as thou hast made me, ifthis felicity have lasting: but I will try her further. Dear lady,I am courtly, I tell you, and I must have mine ears banqueted withpleasant and witty conferences, pretty girls, scoffs, anddalliance in her that I mean to choose for my bed-phere. Theladies in court think it a most desperate impair to theirquickness of wit, and good carriage, if they cannot giveoccasion for a man to court 'em; and when an amorous discourse isset on foot, minister as good matter to continue it, as himself:And do you alone so much differ from all them, that what they,with so much circumstance, affect and toil for, to seemlearn'd, to seem judicious, to seem sharp and conceited, youcan bury in yourself with silence, and rather trust your gracesto the fair conscience of virtue, than to the world's or your ownproclamation?EPI [SOFTLY]: I should be sorry else.MOR: What say you lady? good lady, speak out.EPI: I should be sorry else.MOR: That sorrow doth fill me with gladness. O Morose, thou arthappy above mankind! pray that thou mayest contain thyself. Iwill only put her to it once more, and it shall be with the utmosttouch and test of their sex. But hear me, fair lady; I do alsolove to see her whom I shall choose for my heifer, to be thefirst and principal in all fashions; precede all the dames atcourt by a fortnight; have council of tailors, lineners,lace-women, embroiderers, and sit with them sometimes twice a dayupon French intelligences; and then come forth varied likenature, or oftener than she, and better by the help of art, heremulous servant. This do I affect: and how will you be able, lady,with this frugality of speech, to give the manifold butnecessary instructions, for that bodice, these sleeves, thoseskirts, this cut, that stitch, this embroidery, that lace, thiswire, those knots, that ruff, those roses, this girdle, thatfanne, the t'other scarf, these gloves? Ha! what say you, lady?EPI [SOFTLY]: I'll leave it to you, sir.MOR: How, lady? pray you rise a note.EPI: I leave it to wisdom and you, sir.MOR: Admirable creature! I will trouble you no more: I will notsin against so sweet a simplicity. Let me now be bold to print onthose divine lips the seal of being mine.—Cutbeard, I give theethe lease of thy house free: thank me not but with thy leg[CUTBEARD SHAKES HIS HEAD.]—I know what thou wouldst say, she's poor, and her friendsdeceased. She has brought a wealthy dowry in her silence, Cutbeard;and in respect of her poverty, Cutbeard, I shall have her moreloving and obedient, Cutbeard. Go thy ways, and get me a ministerpresently, with a soft low voice, to marry us; and pray him he willnot be impertinent, but brief as he can; away: softly,[EXIT CUTBEARD.]—Sirrah, conduct your mistress into the dining-room, your nowmistress.[EXIT MUTE, FOLLOWED BY EPI.]—O my felicity! how I shall be revenged on mine insolent kinsman,and his plots to fright me from marrying! This night I will get anheir, and thrust him out of my blood, like a stranger; he would beknighted, forsooth, and thought by that means to reign over me;his title must do it: No, kinsman, I will now make you bring methe tenth lord's and the sixteenth lady's letter, kinsman; and itshall do you no good, kinsman. Your knighthood itself shall comeon its knees, and it shall be rejected; it shall be sued for itsfees to execution, and not be redeem'd; it shall cheat at thetwelvepenny ordinary, it knighthood, for its diet, all the term-time, and tell tales for it in the vacation to the hostess; or itknighthood shall do worse, take sanctuary in Cole-harbour, and fast.It shall fright all its friends with borrowing letters; and whenone of the fourscore hath brought it knighthood ten shillings, itknighthood shall go to the Cranes, or the Bear at the Bridge-foot,and be drunk in fear: it shall not have money to discharge onetavern-reckoning, to invite the old creditors to forbear itknighthood, or the new, that should be, to trust it knighthood. Itshall be the tenth name in the bond to take up the commodity ofpipkins and stone jugs: and the part thereof shall not furnish itknighthood forth for the attempting of a baker's widow, a brownbaker's widow. It shall give it knighthood's name, for a stallion,to all gamesome citizens' wives, and be refused; when the masterof a dancing school, or how do you call him, the worst reveller inthe town is taken: it shall want clothes, and by reason of that,wit, to fool to lawyers. It shall not have hope to repair itselfby Constantinople, Ireland, or Virginia; but the best and last fortuneto it knighthood shall be to make Dol Tear-Sheet, or Kate Common alady: and so it knighthood may eat.[EXIT.]SCENE 2.4.A LANE, NEAR MOROSE'S HOUSE.ENTER TRUEWIT, DAUPHINE,AND CLERIMONT.TRUE: Are you sure he is not gone by?DAUP: No, I staid in the shop ever since.CLER: But he may take the other end of the lane.DAUP: No, I told him I would be here at this end: I appointed himhither.TRUE: What a barbarian it is to stay then!DAUP: Yonder he comes.CLER: And his charge left behind him, which is a very good sign,Dauphine.[ENTER CUTBEARD.]DAUP: How now Cutbeard! succeeds it, or no?CUT: Past imagination, sir, omnia secunda; you could not havepray'd to have had it so well. Saltat senex, as it is in theproverb; he does triumph in his felicity, admires the party! hehas given me the lease of my house too! and I am now going for asilent minister to marry them, and away.TRUE: 'Slight, get one of the silenced ministers, a zealous brotherwould torment him purely.CUT: Cum privilegio, sir.DAUP: O, by no means, let's do nothing to hinder it now: when itis done and finished, I am for you, for any device of vexation.CUT: And that shall be within this half hour, upon my dexterity,gentlemen. Contrive what you can in the mean time, bonis avibus.[EXIT.]CLER: How the slave doth Latin it!TRUE: It would be made a jest to posterity, sirs, this day's mirth,if ye will.CLER: Beshrew his heart that will not, I pronounce.DAUP: And for my part. What is it?TRUE: To translate all La-Foole's company, and his feast thither,to-day, to celebrate this bride-ale.DAUP: Ay marry; but how will't be done?TRUE: I'll undertake the directing of all the lady-guests thither,and then the meat must follow.CLER: For God's sake, let's effect it: it will be an excellent comedyof affliction, so many several noises.DAUP: But are they not at the other place already, think you?TRUE: I'll warrant you for the college-honours: one of their faceshas not the priming colour laid on yet, nor the other her smocksleek'd.CLER: O, but they'll rise earlier then ordinary, to a feast.TRUE: Best go see, and assure ourselves.CLER: Who knows the house?TRUE: I will lead you: Were you never there yet?DAUP: Not I.CLER: Nor I.TRUE: Where have you lived then? not know Tom Otter!CLER: No: for God's sake, what is he?TRUE: An excellent animal, equal with your Daw or La-Foole, if nottranscendant; and does Latin it as much as your barber: He is hiswife's subject, he calls her princess, and at such times as thesefollows her up and down the house like a page, with his hat off,partly for heat, partly for reverence. At this instant he ismarshalling of his bull, bear, and horse.DAUP: What be those, in the name of Sphynx?TRUE: Why, sir, he has been a great man at the Bear-garden in histime; and from that subtle sport, has ta'en the witty denominationof his chief carousing cups. One he calls his bull, another hisbear, another his horse. And then he has his lesser glasses, thathe calls his deer and his ape; and several degrees of them too;and never is well, nor thinks any entertainment perfect, tillthese be brought out, and set on the cupboard.CLER: For God's love!—we should miss this, if we should not go.TRUE: Nay, he has a thousand things as good, that will speak himall day. He will rail on his wife, with certain common places,behind her back; and to her face—DAUP: No more of him. Let's go see him, I petition you.[EXEUNT.]
SCENE 3.1.A ROOM IN OTTER'S HOUSE.ENTER CAPTAIN OTTER WITH HIS CUPS, AND MISTRESS OTTER.OTT: Nay, good princess, hear me pauca verba.MRS. OTT: By that light, I'll have you chain'd up, with yourbull-dogs, and bear-dogs, if you be not civil the sooner. I willsend you to kennel, i'faith. You were best bait me with your bull,bear, and horse! Never a time that the courtiers or collegiatescome to the house, but you make it a Shrove-tuesday! I would haveyou get your Whitsuntide velvet cap, and your staff in your hand,to entertain them: yes, in troth, do.OTT: Not so, princess, neither; but under correction, sweetprincess, give me leave.—These things I am known to the courtiersby: It is reported to them for my humour, and they receive it so,and do expect it. Tom Otter's bull, bear, and horse is known allover England, in rerum natura.MRS. OTT: 'Fore me, I will na-ture them over to Paris-garden, andna-ture you thither too, if you pronounce them again. Is a bear afit beast, or a bull, to mix in society with great ladies? think inyour discretion, in any good policy.OTT: The horse then, good princess.MRS. OTT: Well, I am contented for the horse: they love to bewell horsed, I know. I love it myself.OTT: And it is a delicate fine horse this. Poetarum Pegasus. Undercorrection, princess, Jupiter did turn himself into a—taurus,or bull, under correction, good princess.[ENTER TRUEWIT, CLERIMONT, AND DAUPHINE, BEHIND.]MRS. OTT: By my integrity, I will send you over to the Bank-side,I will commit you to the master of the Garden, if I hear but asyllable more. Must my house or my roof be polluted with thescent of bears and bulls, when it is perfumed for great ladies?Is this according to the instrument, when I married you? that Iwould be princess, and reign in mine own house: and you would be mysubject, and obey me? What did you bring me, should make you thusperemptory? do I allow you your half-crown a day, to spend whereyou will, among your gamsters, to vex and torment me at suchtimes as these? Who gives you your maintenance, I pray you? whoallows you your horse-meat and man's meat? your three suits ofapparel a year? your four pair of stockings, one silk, threeworsted? your clean linen, your bands and cuffs, when I can getyou to wear them?—'tis marle you have them on now.—Who graces youwith courtiers or great personages, to speak to you out of theircoaches, and come home to your house? Were you ever so much aslook'd upon by a lord or a lady, before I married you, but on theEaster or Whitsun-holidays? and then out at the banquetting-housewindow, when Ned Whiting or George Stone were at the stake?TRUE: For Gods sake, let's go stave her off him.MRS. OTT: Answer me to that. And did not I take you up from thence,in an old greasy buff-doublet, with points, and green velvetsleeves, out at the elbows? you forget this.TRUE: She'll worry him, if we help not in time.[THEY COME FORWARD.]MRS. OTT: O, here are some of the gallants! Go to, behave yourselfdistinctly, and with good morality: or, I protest, I will takeaway your exhibition.TRUE: By your leave, fair mistress Otter, I will be bold to enterthese gentlemen in your acquaintance.MRS. OTT: It shall not be obnoxious, or difficil, sir.TRUE: How does my noble captain? is the bull, bear, and horse inrerum natura still?OTT: Sir, sic visum superis.MRS. OTT: I would you would but intimate them, do. Go your waysin, and get toasts and butter made for the woodcocks. That's a fitprovince for you.[DRIVES HIM OFF.]CLER: Alas, what a tyranny is this poor fellow married to!TRUE: O, but the sport will be anon, when we get him loose.DAUP: Dares he ever speak?TRUE: No Anabaptist ever rail'd with the like license: but markher language in the mean time, I beseech you.MRS. OTT: Gentlemen, you are very aptly come. My cousin, sirAmorous, will be here briefly.TRUE: In good time lady. Was not sir John Daw here, to ask forhim, and the company?MRS. OTT: I cannot assure you, master Truewit. Here was a verymelancholy knight in a ruff, that demanded my subject for somebody,a gentleman, I think.CLER: Ay, that was he, lady.MRS. OTT: But he departed straight, I can resolve you.DAUP: What an excellent choice phrase this lady expresses in.TRUE: O, sir, she is the only authentical courtier, that is notnaturally bred one, in the city.MRS. OTT: You have taken that report upon trust, gentlemen.TRUE: No, I assure you, the court governs it so, lady, in yourbehalf.MRS. OTT: I am the servant of the court and courtiers, sir.TRUE: They are rather your idolaters.MRS. OTT: Not so, sir.[ENTER CUTBEARD.]DAUP: How now, Cutbeard? any cross?CUT: O, no, sir, omnia bene. 'Twas never better on the hinges;all's sure. I have so pleased him with a curate, that he's goneto't almost with the delight he hopes for soon.DAUP: What is he for a vicar?CUT: One that has catch'd a cold, sir, and can scarce be heard sixinches off; as if he spoke out of a bulrush that were not pick'd,or his throat were full of pith: a fine quick fellow, and anexcellent barber of prayers. I came to tell you, sir, that youmight omnem movere lapidem, as they say, be ready with yourvexation.DAUP: Gramercy, honest Cutbeard! be thereabouts with thy key,to let us in.CUT: I will not fail you, sir: ad manum.[EXIT.]TRUE: Well, I'll go watch my coaches.CLER: Do; and we'll send Daw to you, if you meet him not.[EXIT TRUEWIT.]MRS. OTT: Is master Truewit gone?DAUP: Yes, lady, there is some unfortunate business fallen out.MRS. OTT: So I adjudged by the physiognomy of the fellow that camein; and I had a dream last night too of a new pageant, and my ladymayoress, which is always very ominous to me. I told it my ladyHaughty t'other day; when her honour came hither to see someChina stuffs: and she expounded it out of Artemidorus, and I havefound it since very true. It has done me many affronts.CLER: Your dream, lady?MRS. OTT: Yes, sir, any thing I do but dream of the city. Itstain'd me a damasque table-cloth, cost me eighteen pound, at onetime; and burnt me a black satin gown, as I stood by the fire,at my lady Centaure's chamber in the college, another time. Athird time, at the lord's masque, it dropt all my wire and myruff with wax candle, that I could not go up to the banquet. Afourth time, as I was taking coach to go to Ware, to meet afriend, it dash'd me a new suit all over (a crimson satindoublet, and black velvet skirts) with a brewer's horse, thatI was fain to go in and shift me, and kept my chamber a leashof days for the anguish of it.DAUP: These were dire mischances, lady.CLER: I would not dwell in the city, an 'twere so fatal to me.MRS. OTT: Yes sir, but I do take advice of my doctor to dreamof it as little as I can.DAUP: You do well, mistress Otter.MRS. OTT: Will it please you to enter the house farther,gentlemen?DAUP: And your favour, lady: but we stay to speak with a knight,sir John Daw, who is here come. We shall follow you, lady.MRS. OTT: At your own time, sir. It is my cousin sir Amorous hisfeast—DAUP: I know it, lady.MRS. OTT: And mine together. But it is for his honour, andtherefore I take no name of it, more than of the place.DAUP: You are a bounteous kinswoman.MRS. OTT: Your servant, sir.[EXIT.]CLER [COMING FORWARD WITH DAW.]: Why, do not you know it, sirJohn Daw?DAW: No, I am a rook if I do.CLER: I'll tell you then, she's married by this time. And, whereasyou were put in the head, that she was gone with sir Dauphine, Iassure you, sir Dauphine has been the noblest, honestest friend toyou, that ever gentleman of your quality could boast of. He hasdiscover'd the whole plot, and made your mistress so acknowledging,and indeed so ashamed of her injury to you, that she desires youto forgive her, and but grace her wedding with your presenceto-day—She is to be married to a very good fortune, she says, hisuncle, old Morose: and she will'd me in private to tell you, thatshe shall be able to do you more favours, and with more securitynow, than before.DAW: Did she say so, i'faith?CLER: Why, what do you think of me, sir John? ask sir Dauphine.DAUP: Nay, I believe you.—Good sir Dauphine, did she desire me toforgive her?CLER: I assure you, sir John, she did.DAW: Nay, then, I do with all my heart, and I'll be jovial.CLER: Yes, for look you, sir, this was the injury to you. La-Fooleintended this feast to honour her bridal day, and made you theproperty to invite the college ladies, and promise to bring her:and then at the time she should have appear'd, as his friend, tohave given you the dor. Whereas now, Sir Dauphine has brought herto a feeling of it, with this kind of satisfaction, that you shallbring all the ladies to the place where she is, and be veryjovial; and there, she will have a dinner, which shall be in yourname: and so disappoint La-Foole, to make you good again, and, asit were, a saver in the main.DAW: As I am a knight, I honour her; and forgive her heartily.CLER: About it then presently. Truewit is gone before to confrontthe coaches, and to acquaint you with so much, if he meet you.Join with him, and 'tis well.—[ENTER SIR AMOROUS LAFOOLE.]See; here comes your antagonist, but take you no notice, but bevery jovial.LA-F: Are the ladies come, sir John Daw, and your mistress?[EXIT DAW.]—Sir Dauphine! you are exceeding welcome, and honest masterClerimont. Where's my cousin? did you see no collegiates, gentlemen?DAUP: Collegiates! do you not hear, sir Amorous, how you are abus'd?LA-F: How, sir!CLER: Will you speak so kindly to sir John Daw, that has done yousuch an affront?LA-F: Wherein, gentlemen? let me be a suitor to you to know, Ibeseech you!CLER: Why, sir, his mistress is married to-day to sir Dauphine'suncle, your cousin's neighbour, and he has diverted all the ladies,and all your company thither, to frustrate your provision, and sticka disgrace upon you. He was here now to have enticed us away fromyou too: but we told him his own, I think.LA-F: Has sir John Daw wrong'd me so inhumanly?DAUP: He has done it, sir Amorous, most maliciously andtreacherously: but, if youll be ruled by us, you shall quit him,i'faith.LA-F: Good gentlemen, I'll make one, believe it. How, I pray?DAUP: Marry sir, get me your pheasants, and your godwits, and yourbest meat, and dish it in silver dishes of your cousin's presently,and say nothing, but clap me a clean towel about you, like a sewer;and bare-headed, march afore it with a good confidence, ('tis butover the way, hard by,) and we'll second you, where you shall setit on the board, and bid them welcome to't, which shall shew 'tisyours, and disgrace his preparation utterly: and, for your cousin,whereas she should be troubled here at home with care of making andgiving welcome, she shall transfer all that labour thither, and bea principal guest herself, sit rank'd with the college-honours, andbe honour'd, and have her health drunk as often, as bare and asloud as the best of them.LA-F: I'll go tell her presently. It shall be done, that'sresolved.[EXIT.]CLER: I thought he would not hear it out, but 'twould take him.DAUP: Well, there be guests and meat now; how shall we do formusic?CLER: The smell of the venison, going through the street, willinvite one noise of fiddlers or other.DAUP: I would it would call the trumpeters hither!CLER: Faith, there is hope: they have intelligence of all feasts.There's good correspondence betwixt them and the London cooks:'tis twenty to one but we have them.DAUP: 'Twill be a most solemn day for my uncle, and an excellentfit of mirth for us.CLER: Ay, if we can hold up the emulation betwixt Foole and Daw,and never bring them to expostulate.DAUP: Tut, flatter them both, as Truewit says, and you may taketheir understandings in a purse-net. They'll believe themselvesto be just such men as we make them, neither more nor less. Theyhave nothing, not the use of their senses, but by tradition.[RE-ENTER LA-FOOLE, LIKE A SEWER.]CLER: See! sir Amorous has his towel on already. Have you persuadedyour cousin?LA-F: Yes, 'tis very feasible: she'll do any thing she says, ratherthan the La-Fooles shall be disgraced.DAUP: She is a noble kinswoman. It will be such a pestling device,sir Amorous; it will pound all your enemy's practices to powder,and blow him up with his own mine, his own train.LA-F: Nay, we'll give fire, I warrant you.CLER: But you must carry it privately, without any noise, and takeno notice by any means—[RE-ENTER CAPTAIN OTTER.]OTT: Gentlemen, my princess says you shall have all her silverdishes, festinate: and she's gone to alter her tire a little,and go with you—CLER: And yourself too, captain Otter?DAUP: By any means, sir.OTT: Yes, sir, I do mean it: but I would entreat my cousin sirAmorous, and you, gentlemen, to be suitors to my princess, that Imay carry my bull and my bear, as well as my horse.CLER: That you shall do, captain Otter.LA-F: My cousin will never consent, gentlemen.DAUP: She must consent, sir Amorous, to reason.LA-F: Why, she says they are no decorum among ladies.OTT: But they are decora, and that's better, sir.CLER: Ay, she must hear argument. Did not Pasiphae, who was aqueen, love a bull? and was not Calisto, the mother of Arcas,turn'd into a bear, and made a star, mistress Ursula, in theheavens?OTT: O lord! that I could have said as much! I will have thesestories painted in the Bear-garden, ex Ovidii metamorphosi.DAUP: Where is your princess, captain? pray, be our leader.OTT: That I shall, sir.CLER: Make haste, good sir Amorous.[EXEUNT.]SCENE 3.2.A ROOM IN MOROSE'S HOUSE.ENTER MOROSE, EPICOENE, PARSON, AND CUTBEARD.MOR: Sir, there is an angel for yourself, and a brace of angelsfor your cold. Muse not at this manage of my bounty. It is fit weshould thank fortune, double to nature, for any benefit sheconfers upon us; besides, it is your imperfection, but my solace.PAR [SPEAKS AS HAVING A COLD.] I thank your worship; so is itmine, now.MOR: What says he, Cutbeard?CUT: He says, praesto, sir, whensoever your worship needs him, hecan be ready with the like. He got this cold with sitting up late,and singing catches with cloth-workers.MOR: No more. I thank him.PAR: God keep your worship, and give you much joy with your fairspouse.—[COUGHS.] uh! uh! uh!MOR: O, O! stay Cutbeard! let him give me five shillings of mymoney back. As it is bounty to reward benefits, so is it equityto mulct injuries. I will have it. What says he?CUT: He cannot change it, sir.MOR: It must be changed.CUT [ASIDE TO PARSON.]: Cough again.MOR: What says he?CUT: He will cough out the rest, sir.PAR: Uh, uh, uh!MOR: Away, away with him! stop his mouth! away! I forgive it.—[EXIT CUT. THRUSTING OUT THE PAR.]EPI: Fie, master Morose, that you will use this violence to a manof the church.MOR: How!EPI: It does not become your gravity, or breeding, as you pretend,in court, to have offer'd this outrage on a waterman, or any moreboisterous creature, much less on a man of his civil coat.MOR: You can speak then!EPI: Yes, sir.MOR: Speak out, I mean.EPI: Ay, sir. Why, did you think you had married a statue, or amotion, only? one of the French puppets, with the eyes turn'd witha wire? or some innocent out of the hospital, that would standwith her hands thus, and a plaise mouth, and look upon you?MOR: O immodesty! a manifest woman! What, Cutbeard!EPI: Nay, never quarrel with Cutbeard, sir; it is too late now. Iconfess it doth bate somewhat of the modesty I had, when I writsimply maid: but I hope, I shall make it a stock still competentto the estate and dignity of your wife.MOR: She can talk!EPI: Yes, indeed, sir.[ENTER MUTE.]MOR: What sirrah! None of my knaves there? where is this impostor,Cutbeard?[MUTE MAKES SIGNS.]EPI: Speak to him, fellow, speak to him! I'll have none of thiscoacted, unnatural dumbness in my house, in a family where Igovern.[EXIT MUTE.]MOR: She is my regent already! I have married a Penthesilea, aSemiramis, sold my liberty to a distaff.[ENTER TRUEWIT.]TRUE: Where's master Morose?MOR: Is he come again! Lord have mercy upon me!TRUE: I wish you all joy, mistress Epicoene, with your grave andhonourable match.EPI: I return you the thanks, master Truewit, so friendly a wishdeserves.MOR: She has acquaintance, too!TRUE: God save you, sir, and give you all contentment in your fairchoice, here! Before, I was the bird of night to you, the owl; butnow I am the messenger of peace, a dove, and bring you the gladwishes of many friends to the celebration of this good hour.MOR: What hour, sir?TRUE: Your marriage hour, sir. I commend your resolution, that,notwithstanding all the dangers I laid afore you, in the voice ofa night-crow, would yet go on, and be yourself. It shews you area man constant to your own ends, and upright to your purposes,that would not be put off with left-handed cries.MOR: How should you arrive at the knowledge of so much!TRUE: Why, did you ever hope, sir, committing the secrecy of it toa barber, that less then the whole town should know it? you mightas well have told it the conduit, or the bake-house, or theinfantry that follow the court, and with more security. Couldyour gravity forget so old and noted a remnant, as lippis ettonsoribus notum? Well, sir, forgive it yourself now, the fault,and be communicable with your friends. Here will be three or fourfashionable ladies from the college to visit you presently, andtheir train of minions and followers.MOR: Bar my doors! bar my doors! Where are all my eaters? mymouths now?—[ENTER SERVANTS.]Bar up my doors, you varlets!EPI: He is a varlet that stirs to such an office. Let them standopen. I would see him that dares move his eyes toward it. Shall Ihave a barricado made against my friends, to be barr'd of anypleasure they can bring in to me with their honourablevisitation?[EXEUNT SER.]MOR: O Amazonian impudence!TRUE: Nay, faith, in this, sir, she speaks but reason: and,methinks, is more continent than you. Would you go to bed sopresently, sir, afore noon? a man of your head and hair shouldowe more to that reverend ceremony, and not mount the marriage-bedlike a town-bull, or a mountain-goat; but stay the due season; andascend it then with religion and fear. Those delights are to besteeped in the humour and silence of the night; and give the dayto other open pleasures, and jollities of feasting, of music, ofrevels, of discourse: we'll have all, sir, that may make yourHymen high and happy.MOR: O, my torment, my torment!TRUE: Nay, if you endure the first half hour, sir, so tediously,and with this irksomness; what comfort or hope can this fairgentlewoman make to herself hereafter, in the consideration of somany years as are to come—MOR: Of my affliction. Good sir, depart, and let her do it alone.TRUE: I have done, sir.MOR: That cursed barber.TRUE: Yes, faith, a cursed wretch indeed, sir.MOR: I have married his cittern, that's common to all men. Someplague above the plague—TRUE: All Egypt's ten plagues.MOR: Revenge me on him!TRUE: 'Tis very well, sir. If you laid on a curse or two more,I'll assure you he'll bear them. As, that he may get the poxwith seeking to cure it, sir; or, that while he is curling anotherman's hair, his own may drop off; or, for burning some male-bawd'slock, he may have his brain beat out with the curling-iron.MOR: No, let the wretch live wretched. May he get the itch, and hisshop so lousy, as no man dare come at him, nor he come at no man!TRUE: Ay, and if he would swallow all his balls for pills, let notthem purge him.MOR: Let his warming pan be ever cold.TRUE: A perpetual frost underneath it, sir.MOR: Let him never hope to see fire again.TRUE: But in hell, sir.MOR: His chairs be always empty, his scissors rust, and his combsmould in their cases.TRUE: Very dreadful that! And may he lose the invention, sir, ofcarving lanterns in paper.MOR: Let there be no bawd carted that year, to employ a bason ofhis: but let him be glad to eat his sponge for bread.TRUE: And drink lotium to it, and much good do him.MOR: Or, for want of bread—TRUE: Eat ear-wax, sir. I'll help you. Or, draw his own teeth,and add them to the lute-string.MOR: No, beat the old ones to powder, and make bread of them.TRUE: Yes, make meal of the mill-stones.MOR: May all the botches and burns that he has cured on othersbreak out upon him.TRUE: And he now forget the cure of them in himself, sir: or, ifhe do remember it, let him have scraped all his linen into lintfor't, and have not a rag left him to set up with.MOR: Let him never set up again, but have the gout in his handsfor ever! Now, no more, sir.TRUE: O, that last was too high set; you might go less with him,i'faith, and be revenged enough: as, that he be never able tonew-paint his pole—MOR: Good sir, no more, I forgot myself.TRUE: Or, want credit to take up with a comb-maker—MOR: No more, sir.TRUE: Or, having broken his glass in a former despair, fall nowinto a much greater, of ever getting another—MOR: I beseech you, no more.TRUE: Or, that he never be trusted with trimming of any butchimney-sweepers—MOR: Sir—TRUE: Or, may he cut a collier's throat with his razor, bychance-medley, and yet be hanged for't.MOR: I will forgive him, rather than hear any more. I beseech you,sir.[ENTER DAW, INTRODUCING LADY HAUGHTY, CENTAURE, MAVIS,AND TRUSTY.]DAW: This way, madam.MOR: O, the sea breaks in upon me! another flood! an inundation!I shall be overwhelmed with noise. It beats already at my shores.I feel an earthquake in my self for't.DAW: 'Give you joy, mistress.MOR: Has she servants too!DAW: I have brought some ladies here to see and know you.My lady Haughty—[AS HE PRESENTS THEM SEVERALLY, EPI. KISSES THEM.]this my lady Centaure—mistress Dol Mavis—mistress Trusty,my lady Haughty's woman. Where's your husband? let's see him:can he endure no noise? let me come to him.MOR: What nomenclator is this!TRUE: Sir John Daw, sir, your wife's servant, this.MOR: A Daw, and her servant! O, 'tis decreed, 'tis decreed of me,an she have such servants.TRUE: Nay sir, you must kiss the ladies; you must not go away, now:they come toward you to seek you out.HAU: I'faith, master Morose, would you steal a marriage thus, inthe midst of so many friends, and not acquaint us? Well, I'll kissyou, notwithstanding the justice of my quarrel: you shall give meleave, mistress, to use a becoming familiarity with your husband.EPI: Your ladyship does me an honour in it, to let me know he isso worthy your favour: as you have done both him and me grace tovisit so unprepared a pair to entertain you.MOR: Compliment! compliment!EPI: But I must lay the burden of that upon my servant here.HAU: It shall not need, mistress Morose, we will all bear, ratherthan one shall be opprest.MOR: I know it: and you will teach her the faculty, if she be tolearn it.[WALKS ASIDE WHILE THE REST TALK APART.]HAU: Is this the silent woman?CEN: Nay, she has found her tongue since she was married, masterTruewit says.HAU: O, master Truewit! 'save you. What kind of creature is yourbride here? she speaks, methinks!TRUE: Yes, madam, believe it, she is a gentlewoman of very absolutebehaviour, and of a good race.HAU: And Jack Daw told us she could not speak!TRUE: So it was carried in plot, madam, to put her upon this oldfellow, by sir Dauphine, his nephew, and one or two more of us:but she is a woman of an excellent assurance, and an extraordinaryhappy wit and tongue. You shall see her make rare sport with Dawere night.HAU: And he brought us to laugh at her!TRUE: That falls out often, madam, that he that thinks himselfthe master-wit, is the master-fool. I assure your ladyship, yecannot laugh at her.HAU: No, we'll have her to the college: An she have wit, sheshall be one of us, shall she not Centaure? we'll make her acollegiate.CEN: Yes faith, madam, and mistress Mavis and she will set up aside.TRUE: Believe it, madam, and mistress Mavis she will sustain herpart.MAV: I'll tell you that, when I have talk'd with her, and triedher.HAU: Use her very civilly, Mavis.MAV: So I will, madam.[WHISPERS HER.]MOR: Blessed minute! that they would whisper thus ever![ASIDE.]TRUE: In the mean time, madam, would but your ladyship help to vexhim a little: you know his disease, talk to him about the weddingceremonies, or call for your gloves, or—HAU: Let me alone. Centaure, help me. Master bridegroom, where areyou?MOR: O, it was too miraculously good to last![ASIDE.]HAU: We see no ensigns of a wedding here; no character of abride-ale: where be our scarves and our gloves? I pray you, givethem us. Let us know your bride's colours, and yours at least.CEN: Alas, madam, he has provided none.MOR: Had I known your ladyship's painter, I would.HAU: He has given it you, Centaure, i'faith. But do you hear,master Morose? a jest will not absolve you in this manner. Youthat have suck'd the milk of the court, and from thence havebeen brought up to the very strong meats and wine, of it; beena courtier from the biggen to the night-cap, as we may say, andyou to offend in such a high point of ceremony as this, and letyour nuptials want all marks of solemnity! How much plate haveyou lost to-day, (if you had but regarded your profit,) whatgifts, what friends, through your mere rusticity!MOR: Madam—HAU: Pardon me, sir, I must insinuate your errors to you; nogloves? no garters? no scarves? no epithalamium? no masque?DAW: Yes, madam, I'll make an epithalamium, I promise my mistress;I have begun it already: will you ladyship hear it?HAU: Ay, good Jack Daw.MOR: Will it please your ladyship command a chamber, and be privatewith your friend? you shall have your choice of rooms to retireto after: my whole house is yours. I know it hath been yourladyship's errand into the city at other times, however now youhave been unhappily diverted upon me: but I shall be loth tobreak any honourable custom of your ladyship's. And therefore, goodmadam—EPI: Come, you are a rude bridegroom, to entertain ladies ofhonour in this fashion.CEN: He is a rude groom indeed.TRUE: By that light you deserve to be grafted, and have your hornsreach from one side of the island, to the other. Do not mistake me,sir; I but speak this to give the ladies some heart again, notfor any malice to you.MOR: Is this your bravo, ladies?TRUE: As God [shall] help me, if you utter such another word,I'll take mistress bride in, and begin to you in a very sad cup;do you see? Go to, know your friends, and such as love you.[ENTER CLERIMONT, FOLLOWED BY A NUMBER OF MUSICIANS.]CLER: By your leave, ladies. Do you want any music? I have broughtyou variety of noises. Play, sirs, all of you.[ASIDE TO THE MUSICIANS, WHO STRIKE UP ALL TOGETHER.]MOR: O, a plot, a plot, a plot, a plot, upon me! this day I shallbe their anvil to work on, they will grate me asunder. 'Tis worsethen the noise of a saw.CLER: No, they are hair, rosin, and guts. I can give you thereceipt.TRUE: Peace, boys!CLER: Play! I say.TRUE: Peace, rascals! You see who's your friend now, sir: takecourage, put on a martyr's resolution. Mock down all theirattemptings with patience: 'tis but a day, and I would sufferheroically. Should an ass exceed me in fortitude? no. You betrayyour infirmity with your hanging dull ears, and make them insult:bear up bravely, and constantly.[LA-FOOLE PASSES OVER THE STAGE AS A SEWER, FOLLOWED BY SERVANTSCARRYING DISHES, AND MISTRESS OTTER.]—Look you here, sir, what honour is done you unexpected, by yournephew; a wedding-dinner come, and a knight-sewer before it, forthe more reputation: and fine mistress Otter, your neighbour, inthe rump, or tail of it.MOR: Is that Gorgon, that Medusa come! hide me, hide me.TRUE: I warrant you, sir, she will not transform you. Look uponher with a good courage. Pray you entertain her, and conduct yourguests in. No!—Mistress bride, will you entreat in the ladies?your bride-groom is so shame-faced, here.EPI: Will it please your ladyship, madam?HAU: With the benefit of your company, mistress.EPI: Servant, pray you perform your duties.DAW: And glad to be commanded, mistress.CEN: How like you her wit, Mavis?MAV: Very prettily, absolutely well.MRS. OTT: 'Tis my place.MAV: You shall pardon me, mistress Otter.MRS. OTT: Why, I am a collegiate.MAV: But not in ordinary.MRS. OTT: But I am.MAV: We'll dispute that within.[EXEUNT LADIES.]CLER: Would this had lasted a little longer.TRUE: And that they had sent for the heralds.[ENTER CAPTAIN OTTER.]—Captain Otter! what news?OTT: I have brought my bull, bear, and horse, in private, andyonder are the trumpeters without, and the drum, gentlemen.[THE DRUM AND TRUMPETS SOUND WITHIN.]MOR: O, O, O!OTT: And we will have a rouse in each of them, anon, for boldBritons, i'faith.[THEY SOUND AGAIN.]MOR: O, O, O![EXIT HASTILY.]OMNES: Follow, follow, follow!