SCENE 4.1.A ROOM IN MOROSE'S HOUSE.ENTER TRUEWIT AND CLERIMONT.TRUE: Was there ever poor bridegroom so tormented? or man,indeed?CLER: I have not read of the like in the chronicles of the land.TRUE: Sure, he cannot but go to a place of rest, after all thispurgatory.CLER: He may presume it, I think.TRUE: The spitting, the coughing, the laughter, the neezing, thefarting, dancing, noise of the music, and her masculine andloud commanding, and urging the whole family, makes him think hehas married a fury.CLER: And she carries it up bravely.TRUE: Ay, she takes any occasion to speak: that is the height on't.CLER: And how soberly Dauphine labours to satisfy him, that it wasnone of his plot!TRUE: And has almost brought him to the faith, in the article.Here he comes.[ENTER SIR DAUPHINE.]—Where is he now? what's become of him, Dauphine?DAUP: O, hold me up a little, I shall go away in the jest else. Hehas got on his whole nest of night-caps, and lock'd himself up inthe top of the house, as high as ever he can climb from the noise.I peep'd in at a cranny, and saw him sitting over a cross-beam ofthe roof, like him on the sadler's horse in Fleet-street, upright:and he will sleep there.CLER: But where are your collegiates?DAUP: Withdrawn with the bride in private.TRUE: O, they are instructing her in the college-grammar. Ifshe have grace with them, she knows all their secrets instantly.CLER: Methinks the lady Haughty looks well to-day, for all mydispraise of her in the morning. I think, I shall come about tothee again, Truewit.TRUE: Believe it, I told you right. Women ought to repair thelosses time and years have made in their features, with dressings.And an intelligent woman, if she know by herself the least defect,will be most curious to hide it: and it becomes her. If she beshort, let her sit much, lest, when she stands, she be thought tosit. If she have an ill foot, let her wear her gown the longer,and her shoe the thinner. If a fat hand, and scald nails, let hercarve the less, and act in gloves. If a sour breath, let her neverdiscourse fasting, and always talk at her distance. If she haveblack and rugged teeth, let her offer the less at laughter,especially if she laugh wide and open.CLER: O, you shall have some women, when they laugh, you wouldthink they brayed, it is so rude, and—TRUE: Ay, and others, that will stalk in their gait like an estrich,and take huge strides. I cannot endure such a sight. I love measurein the feet, and number in the voice: they are gentlenesses, thatoftentimes draw no less than the face.DAUP: How camest thou to study these creatures so exactly? I wouldthou would'st make me a proficient.TRUE: Yes, but you must leave to live in your chamber, then, amonth together upon Amadis de Gaul, or Don Quixote, as you arewont; and come abroad where the matter is frequent, to court, totiltings, public shows and feasts, to plays, and church sometimes:thither they come to shew their new tires too, to see, and to beseen. In these places a man shall find whom to love, whom to playwith, whom to touch once, whom to hold ever. The variety arrestshis judgment. A wench to please a man comes not down droppingfrom the ceiling, as he lies on his back droning a tobacco pipe.He must go where she is.DAUP: Yes, and be never the nearer.TRUE: Out, heretic! That diffidence makes thee worthy it shouldbe so.CLER: He says true to you, Dauphine.DAUP: Why?TRUE: A man should not doubt to overcome any woman. Think he canvanquish them, and he shall: for though they deny, their desireis to be tempted. Penelope herself cannot hold out long. Ostend,you saw, was taken at last. You must persever, and hold to yourpurpose. They would solicit us, but that they are afraid.Howsoever, they wish in their hearts we should solicit them.Praise them, flatter them, you shall never want eloquence ortrust: even the chastest delight to feel themselves that wayrubb'd. With praises you must mix kisses too: if they take them,they'll take more—though they strive, they would be overcome.CLER: O, but a man must beware of force.TRUE: It is to them an acceptable violence, and has oft-times theplace of the greatest courtesy. She that might have been forced,and you let her go free without touching, though then she seem tothank you, will ever hate you after; and glad in the face, isassuredly sad at the heart.CLER: But all women are not to be taken all ways.TRUE: 'Tis true; no more than all birds, or all fishes. If youappear learned to an ignorant wench, or jocund to a sad, or wittyto a foolish, why she presently begins to mistrust herself. Youmust approach them in their own height, their own line: for thecontrary makes many, that fear to commit themselves to noble andworthy fellows, run into the embraces of a rascal. If she lovewit, give verses, though you borrow them of a friend, or buy them,to have good. If valour, talk of your sword, and be frequent inthe mention of quarrels, though you be staunch in fighting. Ifactivity, be seen on your barbary often, or leaping over stools,for the credit of your back. If she love good clothes or dressing,have your learned council about you every morning, your Frenchtailor, barber, linener, etc. Let your powder, your glass, andyour comb be your dearest acquaintance. Take more care for theornament of your head, than the safety: and wish the commonwealthrather troubled, than a hair about you. That will take her. Then,if she be covetous and craving, do you promise any thing, andperform sparingly; so shall you keep her in appetite still. Seemas you would give, but be like a barren field, that yields little,or unlucky dice to foolish and hoping gamesters. Let your giftsbe slight and dainty, rather than precious. Let cunning be abovecost. Give cherries at time of year, or apricots; and say theywere sent you out of the country, though you bought them inCheapside. Admire her tires: like her in all fashions; compare herin every habit to some deity; invent excellent dreams to flatterher, and riddles; or, if she be a great one, perform always thesecond parts to her: like what she likes, praise whom she praises,and fail not to make the household and servants yours, yea thewhole family, and salute them by their names: ('tis but light costif you can purchase them so,) and make her physician yourpensioner, and her chief woman. Nor will it be out of your gain tomake love to her too, so she follow, not usher her lady'spleasure. All blabbing is taken away, when she comes to be a partof the crime.DAUP: On what courtly lap hast thou late slept, to come forth sosudden and absolute a courtling?TRUE: Good faith, I should rather question you, that are soharkening after these mysteries. I begin to suspect yourdiligence, Dauphine. Speak, art thou in love in earnest?DAUP: Yes, by my troth am I: 'twere ill dissembling before thee.TRUE: With which of them, I prithee?DAUP: With all the collegiates.CLER: Out on thee! We'll keep you at home, believe it, in thestable, if you be such a stallion.TRUE: No; I like him well. Men should love wisely, and all women;some one for the face, and let her please the eye; another forthe skin, and let her please the touch; a third for the voice, andlet her please the ear; and where the objects mix, let the sensesso too. Thou would'st think it strange, if I should make them allin love with thee afore night!DAUP: I would say, thou had'st the best philtre in the world, andcouldst do more than madam Medea, or doctor Foreman.TRUE: If I do not, let me play the mountebank for my meat, while Ilive, and the bawd for my drink.DAUP: So be it, I say.[ENTER OTTER, WITH HIS THREE CUPS, DAW, AND LA-FOOLE.]OTT: O Lord, gentlemen, how my knights and I have mist you here!CLER: Why, captain, what service? what service?OTT: To see me bring up my bull, bear, and horse to fight.DAW: Yes, faith, the captain says we shall be his dogs to baitthem.DAUP: A good employment.TRUE: Come on, let's see a course, then.LA-F: I am afraid my cousin will be offended, if she come.OTT: Be afraid of nothing. Gentlemen, I have placed the drum andthe trumpets, and one to give them the sign when you are ready.Here's my bull for myself, and my bear for sir John Daw, and myhorse for sir Amorous. Now set your foot to mine, and yours tohis, and—LA-F: Pray God my cousin come not.OTT: Saint George, and saint Andrew, fear no cousins. Come,sound, sound.[DRUM AND TRUMPETS SOUND.]Et rauco strepuerunt cornua cantu.[THEY DRINK.]TRUE: Well said, captain, i'faith: well fought at the bull.CLER: Well held at the bear.TRUE: Low, low! captain.DAUP: O, the horse has kick'd off his dog already.LA-F: I cannot drink it, as I am a knight.TRUE: Ods so! off with his spurs, somebody.LA-F: It goes against my conscience. My cousin will be angry with it.DAW: I have done mine.TRUE: You fought high and fair, sir John.CLER: At the head.DAUP: Like an excellent bear-dog.CLER: You take no notice of the business, I hope?DAW: Not a word, sir; you see we are jovial.OTT: Sir Amorous, you must not equivocate.It must be pull'd down, for all my cousin.CLER: 'Sfoot, if you take not your drink, they will think you arediscontented with something: you'll betray all, if you take theleast notice.LA-F: Not I; I'll both drink and talk then.OTT: You must pull the horse on his knees, sir Amorous: fear nocousins. Jacta est alea.TRUE: O, now he's in his vein, and bold. The least hint given himof his wife now, will make him rail desperately.CLER: Speak to him of her.TRUE: Do you, and I will fetch her to the hearing of it.[EXIT.]DAUP: Captain He-Otter, your She-Otter is coming, your wife.OTT: Wife! buz! titivilitium! There's no such thing in nature.I confess, gentlemen, I have a cook, a laundress, a house-drudge,that serves my necessary turns, and goes under that title: buthe's an ass that will be so uxorious to tie his affections to onecircle. Come, the name dulls appetite. Here, replenish again:another bout.[FILLS THE CUPS AGAIN.]Wives are nasty sluttish animalls.DAUP: O, captain.OTT: As ever the earth bare, tribus verbis. Where's masterTruewit?DAW: He's slipt aside, sir.CLER: But you must drink, and be jovial.DAW: Yes, give it me.LA-F: And me too.DAW: Let's be jovial.LA-F: As jovial as you will.OTT: Agreed. Now you shall have the bear, cousin, and sir JohnDaw the horse, and I will have the bull still. Sound, Tritons ofthe Thames.[DRUM AND TRUMPETS SOUND AGAIN.]Nunc est bibendum, nunc pede libero—MOR [ABOVE]: Villains, murderers, sons of the earth, and traitors,what do you there?CLER: O, now the trumpets have waked him, we shall have hiscompany.OTT: A wife is a scurvy clogdogdo, an unlucky thing, a veryforesaid bear-whelp, without any good fashion or breeding: malabestia.[RE-ENTER TRUEWIT BEHIND, WITH MISTRESS OTTER.]DAUP: Why did you marry one then, captain?OTT: A pox!—I married with six thousand pound, I. I was in lovewith that. I have not kissed my Fury these forty weeks.CLER: The more to blame you, captain.TRUE: Nay, mistress Otter, hear him a little first.OTT: She has a breath worse than my grandmother's, profecto.MRS. OTT: O treacherous liar! kiss me, sweet master Truewit, andprove him a slandering knave.TRUE: I will rather believe you, lady.OTT: And she has a peruke that's like a pound of hemp, made up inshoe-threads.MRS. OTT: O viper, mandrake!OTT: A most vile face! and yet she spends me forty pound a yearin mercury and hogs-bones. All her teeth were made in theBlack-Friars, both her eyebrows in the Strand, and her hair inSilver-street. Every part of the town owns a piece of her.MRS. OTT [COMES FORWARD.]: I cannot hold.OTT: She takes herself asunder still when she goes to bed, intosome twenty boxes; and about next day noon is put together again,like a great German clock: and so comes forth, and rings a tediouslarum to the whole house, and then is quiet again for an hour,but for her quarters. Have you done me right, gentlemen?MRS. OTT [FALLS UPON HIM, AND BEATS HIM.]: No, sir, I will do youright with my quarters, with my quarters.OTT: O, hold, good princess.TRUE: Sound, sound![DRUM AND TRUMPETS SOUND.]CLER: A battle, a battle!MRS. OTT: You notorious stinkardly bearward, does my breath smell?OTT: Under correction, dear princess: look to my bear, and myhorse, gentlemen.MRS. OTT: Do I want teeth, and eyebrows, thou bull-dog?TRUE: Sound, sound still.[THEY SOUND AGAIN.]OTT: No, I protest, under correction—MRS. OTT: Ay, now you are under correction, you protest: but youdid not protest before correction, sir. Thou Judas, to offer tobetray thy princess! I will make thee an example—[BEATS HIM.][ENTER MOROSE WITH HIS LONG SWORD.]MOR: I will have no such examples in my house, lady Otter.MRS. OTT: Ah!—[MRS. OTTER, DAW, AND LA-FOOLE RUN OFF.]OTT: Mistress Mary Ambree, your examples are dangerous. Rogues,hell-hounds, Stentors! out of my doors, you sons of noise andtumult, begot on an ill May-day, or when the galley-foist isafloat to Westminster![DRIVES OUT THE MUSICIANS.]A trumpeter could not be conceived but then!DAUP: What ails you, sir?MOR: They have rent my roof, walls, and all my windows asunder,with their brazen throats.[EXIT.]TRUE: Best follow him, Dauphine.DAUP: So I will.[EXIT.]CLER: Where's Daw and La-Foole?OTT: They are both run away, sir. Good gentlemen, help to pacifymy princess, and speak to the great ladies for me. Now must I golie with the bears this fortnight, and keep out of the way, tillmy peace be made, for this scandal she has taken. Did you not seemy bull-head, gentlemen?CLER: Is't not on, captain?TRUE: No; but he may make a new one, by that is on.OTT: O, here it is. An you come over, gentlemen, and ask for TomOtter, we'll go down to Ratcliff, and have a course i'faith,for all these disasters. There is bona spes left.TRUE: Away, captain, get off while you are well.[EXIT OTTER.]CLER: I am glad we are rid of him.TRUE: You had never been, unless we had put his wife upon him.His humour is as tedious at last, as it was ridiculous at first.[EXEUNT.]SCENE 4.2.A LONG OPEN GALLERY IN THE SAME.ENTER LADY HAUGHTY, MISTRESS OTTER, MAVIS, DAW, LAFOOLE,CENTAURE, AND EPICOENE.HAU: We wonder'd why you shriek'd so, mistress Otter?MRS. OTT: O lord, madam, he came down with a huge long nakedweapon in both his hands, and look'd so dreadfully! sure he'sbeside himself.HAU: Why, what made you there, mistress Otter?MRS. OTT: Alas, mistress Mavis, I was chastising my subject,and thought nothing of him.DAW: Faith, mistress, you must do so too: learn to chastise.Mistress Otter corrects her husband so, he dares not speak butunder correction.LA-F: And with his hat off to her: 'twould do you good to see.HAU: In sadness, 'tis good and mature counsel: practise it,Morose. I'll call you Morose still now, as I call Centaure andMavis; we four will be all one.CEN: And you will come to the college, and live with us?HAU: Make him give milk and honey.MAV: Look how you manage him at first, you shall have him everafter.CEN: Let him allow you your coach, and four horses, your woman,your chamber-maid, your page, your gentleman-usher, your Frenchcook, and four grooms.HAU: And go with us to Bedlam, to the china-houses, and to theExchange.CEN: It will open the gate to your fame.HAU: Here's Centaure has immortalised herself, with taming of herwild male.MAV: Ay, she has done the miracle of the kingdom.[ENTER CLERIMONT AND TRUEWIT.]EPI: But, ladies, do you count it lawful to have such pluralityof servants, and do them all graces?HAU: Why not? why should women deny their favours to men? arethey the poorer or the worse?DAW: Is the Thames the less for the dyer's water, mistress?LA-F: Or a torch for lighting many torches?TRUE: Well said, La-Foole; what a new one he has got!CEN: They are empty losses women fear in this kind.HAU: Besides, ladies should be mindful of the approach of age,and let no time want his due use. The best of our days passfirst.MAV: We are rivers, that cannot be call'd back, madam: she thatnow excludes her lovers, may live to lie a forsaken beldame, ina frozen bed.CEN: 'Tis true, Mavis: and who will wait on us to coach then?or write, or tell us the news then, make anagrams of our names,and invite us to the Cockpit, and kiss our hands all the play-time,and draw their weapons for our honours?HAU: Not one.DAW: Nay, my mistress is not altogether unintelligent of thesethings; here be in presence have tasted of her favours.CLER: What a neighing hobby-horse is this!EPI: But not with intent to boast them again, servant. And haveyou those excellent receipts, madam, to keep yourselves frombearing of children?HAU: O yes, Morose: how should we maintain our youth and beautyelse? Many births of a woman make her old, as many crops make theearth barren.[ENTER MOROSE AND DAUPHINE.]MOR: O my cursed angel, that instructed me to this fate!DAUP: Why, sir?MOR: That I should be seduced by so foolish a devil as a barberwill make!DAUP: I would I had been worthy, sir, to have partaken yourcounsel; you should never have trusted it to such a minister.MOR: Would I could redeem it with the loss of an eye, nephew, ahand, or any other member.DAUP: Marry, God forbid, sir, that you should geld yourself, toanger your wife.MOR: So it would rid me of her! and, that I did supererogatorypenance in a belfry, at Westminster-hall, in the Cock-pit, at thefall of a stag; the Tower-wharf (what place is there else?)—London-bridge, Paris-garden, Billinsgate, when the noises are attheir height, and loudest. Nay, I would sit out a play, that werenothing but fights at sea, drum, trumpet, and target.DAUP: I hope there shall be no such need, sir. Take patience, gooduncle. This is but a day, and 'tis well worn too now.MOR: O, 'twill be so for ever, nephew, I foresee it, for ever.Strife and tumult are the dowry that comes with a wife.TRUE: I told you so, sir, and you would not believe me.MOR: Alas, do not rub those wounds, master Truewit, to blood again:'twas my negligence. Add not affliction to affliction. I haveperceived the effect of it, too late, in madam Otter.EPI: How do you, sir?MOR: Did you ever hear a more unnecessary question? as if she didnot see! Why, I do as you see, empress, empress.EPI: You are not well, sir; you look very ill; something hasdistemper'd you.MOR: O horrible, monstrous impertinencies! would not one of thesehave served, do you think, sir? would not one of these haveserved?TRUE: Yes, sir, but these are but notes of female kindness, sir;certain tokens that she has a voice, sir.MOR: O, is it so? Come, an't be no otherwise—What say you?EPI: How do you feel yourself, sir?MOR: Again that!TRUE: Nay, look you, sir: you would be friends with your wife uponunconscionable terms; her silence—EPI: They say you are run mad, sir.MOR: Not for love, I assure you, of you; do you see?EPI: O lord, gentlemen! lay hold on him, for God's sake. Whatshall I do? who's his physician, can you tell, that knows thestate of his body best, that I might send for him? Good sir,speak; I'll send for one of my doctors else.MOR: What, to poison me, that I might die intestate, and leaveyou possest of all?EPI: Lord, how idly he talks, and how his eyes sparkle! he looksgreen about the temples! do you see what blue spots he has?TRUE: Ay, 'tis melancholy.EPI: Gentlemen, for Heaven's sake, counsel me. Ladies;—servant,you have read Pliny and Paracelsus; ne'er a word now to comfort apoor gentlewoman? Ay me, what fortune had I, to marry a distractedman!DAW: I will tell you, mistress—TRUE: How rarely she holds it up![ASIDE TO CLER.]MOR: What mean you, gentlemen?EPI: What will you tell me, servant?DAW: The disease in Greek is called mania, in Latin insania,furor, vel ecstasis melancholica, that is, egressio, when aman ex melancholico evadit fanaticus.MOR: Shall I have a lecture read upon me alive?DAW: But he may be but phreneticus yet, mistress? and phrenetisis only delirium, or so.EPI: Ay, that is for the disease, servant: but what is this tothe cure? we are sure enough of the disease.MOR: Let me go.TRUE: Why, we'll entreat her to hold her peace, sir.MOR: O no, labour not to stop her. She is like a conduit-pipe,that will gush out with more force when she opens again.HAU: I will tell you, Morose, you must talk divinity to himaltogether, or moral philosophy.LA-F: Ay, and there's an excellent book of moral philosophy,madam, of Raynard the fox, and all the beasts, called Doni'sPhilosophy.CEN: There is, indeed, sir Amorous La-Foole.MOR: O misery!LA-F: I have read it, my lady Centaure, all over, to my cousin,here.MRS. OTT: Ay, and 'tis a very good book as any is, of the moderns.DAW: Tut, he must have Seneca read to him, and Plutarch, and theancients; the moderns are not for this disease.CLER: Why, you discommended them too, to-day, sir John.DAW: Ay, in some cases: but in these they are best, and Aristotle'sethics.MAV: Say you so sir John? I think you are decived: you took it upontrust.HAU: Where's Trusty, my woman? I'll end this difference. I prithee,Otter, call her. Her father and mother were both mad, when they puther to me.MOR: I think so. Nay, gentlemen, I am tame. This is but an exercise,I know, a marriage ceremony, which I must endure.HAU: And one of them, I know not which, was cur'd with the SickMan's Salve; and the other with Green's Groat's-worth of Wit.TRUE: A very cheap cure, madam.[ENTER TRUSTY.]HAU: Ay, 'tis very feasible.MRS. OTT: My lady call'd for you, mistress Trusty: you must decide acontroversy.HAU: O, Trusty, which was it you said, your father, or your mother,that was cured with the Sick Man's Salve?TRUS: My mother, madam, with the Salve.TRUE: Then it was the sick woman's salve?TRUS: And my father with the Groat's-worth of Wit. But there wasother means used: we had a preacher that would preach folk asleepstill; and so they were prescribed to go to church, by an old womanthat was their physician, thrice a week—EPI: To sleep?TRUS: Yes, forsooth: and every night they read themselves asleep onthose books.EPI: Good faith, it stands with great reason. I would I knew whereto procure those books.MOR: Oh!LA-F: I can help you with one of them, mistress Morose, theGroat's-worth of Wit.EPI: But I shall disfurnish you, sir Amorous: can you spare it?LA-F: O, yes, for a week, or so; I'll read it myself to him.EPI: No, I must do that, sir: that must be my office.MOR: Oh, oh!EPI: Sure he would do well enough, if he could sleep.MOR: No, I should do well enough, if you could sleep. Have I nofriend that will make her drunk? or give her a little laudanum?or opium?TRUE: Why, sir, she talks ten times worse in her sleep.MOR: How!CLER: Do you not know that, sir? never ceases all night.TRUE: And snores like a porpoise.MOR: O, redeem me, fate; redeem me, fate! For how many causes maya man be divorced, nephew?DAUP: I know not, truly, sir.TRUE: Some divine must resolve you in that, sir, or canon-lawyer.MOR: I will not rest, I will not think of any other hope or comfort,till I know.[EXIT WITH DAUPHINE.]CLER: Alas, poor man!TRUE: You'll make him mad indeed, ladies, if you pursue this.HAU: No, we'll let him breathe now, a quarter of an hour or so.CLER: By my faith, a large truce!HAU: Is that his keeper, that is gone with him?DAW: It is his nephew, madam.LA-F: Sir Dauphine Eugenie.HAU: He looks like a very pitiful knight—DAW: As can be. This marriage has put him out of all.LA-F: He has not a penny in his purse, madam.DAW: He is ready to cry all this day.LA-F: A very shark; he set me in the nick t'other night atPrimero.TRUE: How these swabbers talk!CLER: Ay, Otter's wine has swell'd their humours above a spring-tide.HAU: Good Morose, let us go in again. I like your couches exceedingwell; we will go lie and talk there.[EXEUNT HAU., CEN., MAV., TRUS., LA-FOOLE, AND DAW.]EPI [FOLLOWING THEM.]: I wait on you, madam.TRUE [STOPPING HER.]: 'Slight, I will have them as silent assigns, and their post too, ere I have done. Do you hear, lady-bride?I pray thee now, as thou art a noble wench, continue this discourseof Dauphine within; but praise him exceedingly: magnify him with allthe height of affection thou canst;—I have some purpose in't: andbut beat off these two rooks, Jack Daw and his fellow, with anydiscontentment, hither, and I'll honour thee for ever.EPI: I was about it here. It angered me to the soul, to hear thembegin to talk so malepert.TRUE: Pray thee perform it, and thou winn'st me an idolater tothee everlasting.EPI: Will you go in and hear me do't?TRUE: No, I'll stay here. Drive them out of your company, 'tis allI ask; which cannot be any way better done, than by extollingDauphine, whom they have so slighted.EPI: I warrant you; you shall expect one of them presently.[EXIT.]CLER: What a cast of kestrils are these, to hawk after ladies,thus!TRUE: Ay, and strike at such an eagle as Dauphine.CLER: He will be mad when we tell him. Here he comes.[RE-ENTER DAUPHINE.]CLER: O sir, you are welcome.TRUE: Where's thine uncle?DAUP: Run out of doors in his night-caps, to talk with a casuistabout his divorce. It works admirably.TRUE: Thou wouldst have said so, if thou hadst been here! Theladies have laugh'd at thee most comically, since thou went'st,Dauphine.CLER: And ask'd, if thou wert thine uncle's keeper.TRUE: And the brace of baboons answer'd, Yes; and said thou werta pitiful poor fellow, and didst live upon posts: and hadstnothing but three suits of apparel, and some few benevolences thatlords gave thee to fool to them, and swagger.DAUP: Let me not live, I will beat them: I'll bind them both togrand-madam's bed-posts, and have them baited with monkies.TRUE: Thou shalt not need, they shall be beaten to thy hand,Dauphine. I have an execution to serve upon them, I warrant thee,shall serve; trust my plot.DAUP: Ay, you have many plots! so you had one to make all thewenches in love with me.TRUE: Why, if I do not yet afore night, as near as 'tis; andthat they do not every one invite thee, and be ready to scratchfor thee, take the mortgage of my wit.CLER: 'Fore God, I'll be his witness thou shalt have it,Dauphine: thou shalt be his fool for ever, if thou doest not.TRUE: Agreed. Perhaps 'twill be the better estate. Do you observethis gallery, or rather lobby, indeed? Here are a couple ofstudies, at each end one: here will I act such a tragi-comedybetween the Guelphs and the Ghibellines, Daw and La-Foole—whichof them comes out first, will I seize on:—you two shall be thechorus behind the arras, and whip out between the acts andspeak—If I do not make them keep the peace for this remnant ofthe day, if not of the year, I have failed once—I hear Dawcoming: hide,[THEY WITHDRAW]and do not laugh, for God's sake.[RE-ENTER DAW.]DAW: Which is the way into the garden trow?TRUE: O, Jack Daw! I am glad I have met with you. In good faith,I must have this matter go no further between you. I must have ittaken up.DAW: What matter, sir? between whom?TRUE: Come, you disguise it: sir Amorous and you. If you love me,Jack, you shall make use of your philosophy now, for this once,and deliver me your sword. This is not the wedding the Centaurswere at, though there be a she one here.[TAKES HIS SWORD.]The bride has entreated me I will see no blood shed at her bridal,you saw her whisper me erewhile.DAW: As I hope to finish Tacitus, I intend no murder.TRUE: Do you not wait for sir Amorous?DAW: Not I, by my knighthood.TRUE: And your scholarship too?DAW: And my scholarship too.TRUE: Go to, then I return you your sword, and ask you mercy; butput it not up, for you will be assaulted. I understood that youhad apprehended it, and walked here to brave him: and that youhad held your life contemptible, in regard of your honour.DAW: No, no; no such thing, I assure you. He and I parted now,as good friends as could be.TRUE: Trust not you to that visor. I saw him since dinner withanother face: I have known many men in my time vex'd with losses,with deaths, and with abuses; but so offended a wight as sirAmorous, did I never see, or read of. For taking away his guests,sir, to-day, that's the cause: and he declares it behind your backwith such threatenings and contempts—He said to Dauphine, youwere the arrant'st ass—DAW: Ay, he may say his pleasure.TRUE: And swears you are so protested a coward, that he knows youwill never do him any manly or single right, and therefore he willtake his course.DAW: I'll give him any satisfaction, sir—but fighting.TRUE: Ay, sir: but who knows what satisfaction he'll take? bloodhe thirsts for, and blood he will have: and whereabouts on you hewill have it, who knows but himself?DAW: I pray you, master Truewit, be you a mediator.TRUE: Well, sir, conceal yourself then in this study till Ireturn.[PUTS HIM INTO THE STUDY.]Nay, you must be content to be lock'd in: for, for mine ownreputation, I would not have you seen to receive a publicdisgrace, while I have the matter in managing. Ods so, here hecomes; keep your breath close, that he do not hear you sigh.In good faith, sir Amorous, he is not this way; I pray you bemerciful, do not murder him; he is a Christian, as good as you:you are arm'd as if you sought revenge on all his race. GoodDauphine, get him away from this place. I never knew a man'scholer so high, but he would speak to his friends, he would hearreason.—Jack Daw, Jack! asleep!DAW [within]: Is he gone, master Truewit?TRUE: Ay; did you hear him?DAW: O lord! yes.TRUE: What a quick ear fear has!DAW [COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET.]: But is he so arm'd, as you say?TRUE: Arm'd? did you ever see a fellow set out to take possession?DAW: Ay, sir.TRUE: That may give you some light to conceive of him: but 'tisnothing to the principal. Some false brother in the house hasfurnish'd him strangely; or, if it were out of the house, it wasTom Otter.DAW: Indeed he's a captain, and his wife is his kinswoman.TRUE: He has got some body's old two-hand sword, to mow you offat the knees; and that sword hath spawn'd such a dagger!—Butthen he is so hung with pikes, halberds, petronels, calivers andmuskets, that he looks like a justice of peace's hall: a man oftwo thousand a-year, is not cess'd at so many weapons as he has on.There was never fencer challenged at so many several foils. Youwould think he meant to murder all Saint Pulchre parish. If hecould but victual himself for half a year in his breeches, he issufficiently arm'd to over-run a country.DAW: Good lord! what means he, sir? I pray you, master Truewit, beyou a mediator.TRUE: Well, I 'll try if he will be appeased with a leg or an arm;if not you must die once.DAW: I would be loth to lose my right arm, for writing madrigals.TRUE: Why, if he will be satisfied with a thumb or a little finger,all's one to me. You must think, I will do my best.[SHUTS HIM UP AGAIN.]DAW: Good sir, do.[CLERIMONT AND DAUPHINE COME FORWARD.]CLER: What hast thou done?TRUE: He will let me do nothing, he does all afore; he offershis left arm.CLER: His left wing for a Jack Daw.DAUP: Take it, by all means.TRUE: How! maim a man for ever, for a jest? What a conscience hastthou!DAUP: 'Tis no loss to him; he has no employment for his arms, butto eat spoon-meat. Beside, as good maim his body as his reputation.TRUE: He is a scholar, and a wit, and yet he does not think so.But he loses no reputation with us; for we all resolved him an assbefore. To your places again.CLER: I pray thee, let me be in at the other a little.TRUE: Look, you'll spoil all: these be ever your tricks.CLER: No, but I could hit of some things that thou wilt miss, andthou wilt say are good ones.TRUE: I warrant you. I pray forbear, I will leave it off, else.DAUP: Come away, Clerimont.[DAUP. AND CLER. WITHDRAW AS BEFORE.][ENTER LA-FOOLE.]TRUE: Sir Amorous!LA-F: Master Truewit.TRUE: Whither were you going?LA-F: Down into the court to make water.TRUE: By no means, sir; you shall rather tempt your breeches.LA-F: Why, sir?TRUE: Enter here, if you love your life.[OPENING THE DOOR OF THE OTHER STUDY.]LA-F: Why? why?TRUE: Question till you throat be cut, do: dally till the enragedsoul find you.LA-F: Who is that?TRUE: Daw it is: will you in?LA-F: Ay, ay, I will in: what's the matter?TRUE: Nay, if he had been cool enough to tell us that, there hadbeen some hope to atone you, but he seems so implacably enraged!LA-F: 'Slight, let him rage! I'll hide myself.TRUE: Do, good sir. But what have you done to him within, thatshould provoke him thus? You have broke some jest upon him, aforethe ladies.LA-F: Not I, never in my life, broke jest upon any man. The bridewas praising sir Dauphine, and he went away in snuff, and Ifollowed him, unless he took offence at me in his drink erewhile,that I would not pledge all the horse full.TRUE: By my faith, and that may be, you remember well: but he walksthe round up and down, through every room o' the house, with atowel in his hand, crying, Where's La-Foole? Who saw La-Foole?and when Dauphine and I demanded the cause, we can force noanswer from him, but—O revenge, how sweet art thou! I willstrangle him in this towel—which leads us to conjecture that themain cause of his fury is, for bringing your meat to-day, with atowel about you, to his discredit.LA-F: Like enough. Why, if he be angry for that, I'll stay heretill his anger be blown over.TRUE: A good becoming resolution, sir; if you can put it on o'the sudden.LA-F: Yes, I can put it on: or, I'll away into the countrypresently.TRUE: How will you get out of the house, sir? he knows you are inthe house, and he will watch you this se'ennight, but he'll haveyou. He'll outwait a serjeant for you.LA-F: Why, then I'll stay here.TRUE: You must think how to victual yourself in time then.LA-F: Why, sweet master Truewit, will you entreat my cousin Otterto send me a cold venison pasty, a bottle or two of wine, and achamber-pot?TRUE: A stool were better, sir, of sir Ajax his invention.LA-F: Ay, that will be better, indeed; and a pallet to lie on.TRUE: O, I would not advise you to sleep by any means.LA-F: Would you not, sir? why, then I will not.TRUE: Yet, there's another fear—LA-F: Is there! what is't?TRUE: No, he cannot break open this door with his foot, sure.LA-F: I'll set my back against it, sir. I have a good back.TRUE: But then if he should batter.LA-F: Batter! if he dare, I'll have an action of battery againsthim.TRUE: Cast you the worst. He has sent for powder already, and whathe will do with it, no man knows: perhaps blow up the corner ofthe house where he suspects you are. Here he comes; in quickly.[THRUSTS IN LA-FOOLE AND SHUTS THE DOOR.]I protest, sir John Daw, he is not this way: what will you do?before God, you shall hang no petard here. I'll die rather. Willyou not take my word? I never knew one but would be satisfied.—Sir Amorous,[SPEAKS THROUGH THE KEY-HOLE,]there's no standing out: He has made a petard of an old brasspot, to force your door. Think upon some satisfaction, or termsto offer him.LA-F [WITHIN.]: Sir, I will give him any satisfaction: I daregive any terms.TRUE: You'll leave it to me, then?LA-F: Ay, sir. I'll stand to any conditions.TRUE [BECKONING FORWARD CLERIMONT AND DAUPHINE.]: How now, whatthink you, sirs? were't not a difficult thing to determinewhich of these two fear'd most.CLER: Yes, but this fears the bravest: the other a whinilingdastard, Jack Daw! But La-Foole, a brave heroic coward! and isafraid in a great look and a stout accent; I like him rarely.TRUE: Had it not been pity these two should have been concealed?CLER: Shall I make a motion?TRUE: Briefly: For I must strike while 'tis hot.CLER: Shall I go fetch the ladies to the catastrophe?TRUE: Umph! ay, by my troth.DAUP: By no mortal means. Let them continue in the state ofignorance, and err still; think them wits and fine fellows, asthey have done. 'Twere sin to reform them.TRUE: Well, I will have them fetch'd, now I think on't, for aprivate purpose of mine: do, Clerimont, fetch them, and discourseto them all that's past, and bring them into the gallery here.DAUP: This is thy extreme vanity, now: thou think'st thou wertundone, if every jest thou mak'st were not publish'd.TRUE: Thou shalt see how unjust thou art presently. Clerimont, sayit was Dauphine's plot.[EXIT CLERIMONT.]Trust me not, if the whole drift be not for thy good. There is acarpet in the next room, put it on, with this scarf over thy face,and a cushion on thy head, and be ready when I call Amorous.Away![EXIT DAUP.]John Daw![GOES TO DAW'S CLOSET AND BRINGS HIM OUT.]DAW: What good news, sir?TRUE: Faith, I have followed and argued with him hard for you. Itold him you were a knight, and a scholar, and that you knewfortitude did consist magis patiendo quam faciendo, magis ferendoquam feriendo.DAW: It doth so indeed, sir.TRUE: And that you would suffer, I told him: so at first hedemanded by my troth, in my conceit, too much.DAW: What was it, sir.TRUE: Your upper lip, and six of your fore-teeth.DAW: 'Twas unreasonable.TRUE: Nay, I told him plainly, you could not spare them all.So after long argument pro et con as you know, I brought himdown to your two butter-teeth, and them he would have.DAW: O, did you so? Why, he shall have them.TRUE: But he shall not, sir, by your leave. The conclusion is this,sir: because you shall be very good friends hereafter, and thisnever to be remembered or upbraided; besides, that he may notboast he has done any such thing to you in his own person: he isto come here in disguise, give you five kicks in private, sir, takeyour sword from you, and lock you up in that study during pleasure:which will be but a little while, we'll get it released presently.DAW: Five kicks! he shall have six, sir, to be friends.TRUE: Believe me, you shall not over-shoot yourself, to send himthat word by me.DAW: Deliver it, sir: he shall have it with all my heart, to befriends.TRUE: Friends! Nay, an he should not be so, and heartily too, uponthese terms, he shall have me to enemy while I live. Come, sir, bearit bravely.DAW: O lord, sir, 'tis nothing.TRUE: True: what's six kicks to a man that reads Seneca?DAW: I have had a hundred, sir.TRUE: Sir Amorous![RE-ENTER DAUPHINE, DISGUISED.]No speaking one to another, or rehearsing old matters.DAW [AS DAUPHINE KICKS HIM.]: One, two, three, four, five. Iprotest, sir Amorous, you shall have six.TRUE: Nay, I told you, you should not talk. Come give him six,an he will needs.[DAUPHINE KICKS HIM AGAIN.]—Your sword.[TAKES HIS SWORD.]Now return to your safe custody: you shall presently meetafore the ladies, and be the dearest friends one to another.[PUTS DAW INTO THE STUDY.]—Give me the scarf now, thou shalt beat the other bare-faced.Stand by:[DAUPHINE RETIRES, AND TRUEWIT GOES TO THE OTHER CLOSET, ANDRELEASES LA-FOOLE.]—Sir Amorous!LA-F: What's here? A sword?TRUE: I cannot help it, without I should take the quarrel uponmyself. Here he has sent you his sword—LA-F: I will receive none on't.TRUE: And he wills you to fasten it against a wall, and breakyour head in some few several places against the hilts.LA-F: I will not: tell him roundly. I cannot endure to shed myown blood.TRUE: Will you not?LA-F: No. I'll beat it against a fair flat wall, if that willsatisfy him: if not, he shall beat it himself, for Amorous.TRUE: Why, this is strange starting off, when a man undertakesfor you! I offer'd him another condition; will you stand to that?LA-F: Ay, what is't.TRUE: That you will be beaten in private.LA-F: Yes, I am content, at the blunt.[ENTER, ABOVE, HAUGHTY, CENTAURE, MAVIS, MISTRESS OTTER,EPICOENE, AND TRUSTY.]TRUE: Then you must submit yourself to be hoodwinked in thisscarf, and be led to him, where he will take your sword fromyou, and make you bear a blow over the mouth, gules, and tweaksby the nose, sans nombre.LA-F: I am content. But why must I be blinded?TRUE: That's for your good, sir: because, if he should growinsolent upon this, and publish it hereafter to your disgrace,(which I hope he will not do,) you might swear safely, andprotest, he never beat you, to your knowledge.LA-F: O, I conceive.TRUE: I do not doubt but you will be perfect good friends upon't,and not dare to utter an ill thought one of another in future.LA-F: Not I, as God help me, of him.TRUE: Nor he of you, sir. If he should[BLINDS HIS EYES.]—Come, sir.[LEADS HIM FORWARD.]—All hid, sir John.[ENTER DAUPHINE, AND TWEAKS HIM BY THE NOSE.]LA-F: O, sir John, sir John! Oh, o—o—o—o—o—Oh—TRUE: Good, sir John, leave tweaking, you'll blow his nose off.'Tis sir John's pleasure, you should retire into the study.[PUTS HIM UP AGAIN.]—Why, now you are friends. All bitterness between you, I hope,is buried; you shall come forth by and by, Damon and Pythiasupon't, and embrace with all the rankness of friendship that canbe. I trust, we shall have them tamer in their language hereafter.Dauphine, I worship thee.—Gods will the ladies have surprised us![ENTER HAUGHTY, CENTAURE, MAVIS, MISTRESS OTTER, EPICOENE,AND TRUSTY, BEHIND.]HAU: Centaure, how our judgments were imposed on by theseadulterate knights!Nay, madam, Mavis was more deceived than we, 'twas hercommendation utter'd them in the college.MAV: I commended but their wits, madam, and their braveries.I never look'd toward their valours.HAU: Sir Dauphine is valiant, and a wit too, it seems.MAV: And a bravery too.HAU: Was this his project?MRS. OTT: So master Clerimont intimates, madam.HAU: Good Morose, when you come to the college, will you bringhim with you? he seems a very perfect gentleman.EPI: He is so, madam, believe it.CEN: But when will you come, Morose?EPI: Three or four days hence, madam, when I have got me a coachand horses.HAU: No, to-morrow, good Morose; Centaure shall send you her coach.MAV: Yes faith, do, and bring sir Dauphine with you.HAU: She has promised that, Mavis.MAV: He is a very worthy gentleman in his exteriors, madam.HAU: Ay, he shews he is judicial in his clothes.CEN: And yet not so superlatively neat as some, madam, that havetheir faces set in a brake.HAU: Ay, and have every hair in form!MAV: That wear purer linen then ourselves, and profess moreneatness than the French hermaphrodite!EPI: Ay, ladies, they, what they tell one of us, have told athousand; and are the only thieves of our fame: that think totake us with that perfume, or with that lace, and laugh at usunconscionably when they have done.HAU: But, sir Dauphine's carelessness becomes him.CEN: I could love a man for such a nose.MAV: Or such a leg!CEN: He has an exceeding good eye, madam.MAV: And a very good lock.CEN: Good Morose, bring him to my chamber first.MRS. OTT: Please your honours to meet at my house, madam.TRUE: See how they eye thee, man! they are taken, I warrant thee.[HAUGHTY COMES FORWARD.]HAU: You have unbraced our brace of knights here, master Truewit.TRUE: Not I, madam; it was sir Dauphine's ingine: who, if he havedisfurnish'd your ladyship of any guard or service by it, is ableto make the place good again, in himself.HAU: There is no suspicion of that, sir.CEN: God so, Mavis, Haughty is kissing.MAV: Let us go too, and take part.[THEY COME FORWARD.]HAU: But I am glad of the fortune (beside the discovery of twosuch empty caskets) to gain the knowledge of so rich a mine ofvirtue as sir Dauphine.CEN: We would be all glad to style him of our friendship, and seehim at the college.MAV: He cannot mix with a sweeter society, I'll prophesy; andI hope he himself will think so.DAUP: I should be rude to imagine otherwise, lady.TRUE: Did not I tell thee, Dauphine? Why, all their actions aregoverned by crude opinion, without reason or cause; they know notwhy they do any thing: but, as they are inform'd, believe, judge,praise, condemn, love, hate, and in emulation one of another, doall these things alike. Only they have a natural inclination swaysthem generally to the worst, when they are left to themselves.But pursue it, now thou hast them.HAU: Shall we go in again, Morose?EPI: Yes, madam.CEN: We'll entreat sir Dauphine's company.TRUE: Stay, good madam, the interview of the two friends, Pyladesand Orestes: I'll fetch them out to you straight.HAU: Will you, master Truewit?DAUP: Ay, but noble ladies, do not confess in your countenance,or outward bearing to them, any discovery of their follies, thatwe may see how they will bear up again, with what assurance anderection.HAU: We will not, sir Dauphine.CEN. MAV: Upon our honours, sir Dauphine.TRUE [GOES TO THE FIRST CLOSET.]: Sir Amorous, sir Amorous!The ladies are here.LA-F [WITHIN.]: Are they?TRUE: Yes; but slip out by and by, as their backs are turn'd,and meet sir John here, as by chance, when I call you.[goes to the other.]—Jack Daw.DAW: What say you, sir?TRUE: Whip out behind me suddenly, and no anger in your looks toyour adversary. Now, now![LA-FOOLE AND DAW SLIP OUT OF THEIR RESPECTIVE CLOSETS, ANDSALUTE EACH OTHER.]LA-F: Noble sir John Daw, where have you been?DAW: To seek you, sir Amorous.LA-F: Me! I honour you.DAW: I prevent you, sir.CLER: They have forgot their rapiers.TRUE: O, they meet in peace, man.DAUP: Where's your sword, sir John?CLER: And yours, sir Amorous?DAW: Mine! my boy had it forth to mend the handle, e'en now.LA-F: And my gold handle was broke too, and my boy had it forth.DAUP: Indeed, sir!—How their excuses meet!CLER: What a consent there is in the handles!TRUE: Nay, there is so in the points too, I warrant you.[ENTER MOROSE, WITH THE TWO SWORDS, DRAWN IN HIS HANDS.]MRS. OTT: O me! madam, he comes again, the madman! Away![LADIES, DAW, AND LA-FOOLE, RUN OFF.]MOR: What make these naked weapons here, gentlemen?TRUE: O sir! here hath like to have been murder since you went;a couple of knights fallen out about the bride's favours! We werefain to take away their weapons; your house had been begg'd bythis time else.MOR: For what?CLER: For manslaughter, sir, as being accessary.MOR: And for her favours?TRUE: Ay, sir, heretofore, not present—Clerimont, carry themtheir swords, now. They have done all the hurt they will do.[EXIT CLER. WITH THE TWO SWORDS.]DAUP: Have you spoke with the lawyer, sir?MOR: O, no! there is such a noise in the court, that they havefrighted me home with more violence then I went! such speakingand counter-speaking, with their several voices of citations,appellations, allegations, certificates, attachments,intergatories, references, convictions, and afflictions indeed,among the doctors and proctors, that the noise here is silenceto't! a kind of calm midnight!TRUE: Why, sir, if you would be resolved indeed, I can bring youhither a very sufficient lawyer, and a learned divine, that shallenquire into every least scruple for you.MOR: Can you, master Truewit?TRUE: Yes, and are very sober, grave persons, that will dispatchit in a chamber, with a whisper or two.MOR: Good sir, shall I hope this benefit from you, and trust myselfinto your hands?TRUE: Alas, sir! your nephew and I have been ashamed and oft-timesmad, since you went, to think how you are abused. Go in, good sir,and lock yourself up till we call you; we'll tell you more anon,sir.MOR: Do your pleasure with me gentlemen; I believe in you: and thatdeserves no delusion.[EXIT.]TRUE: You shall find none, sir: but heap'd, heap'd plenty ofvexation.DAUP: What wilt thou do now, Wit?TRUE: Recover me hither Otter and the barber, if you can, by anymeans, presently.DAUP: Why? to what purpose?TRUE: O, I'll make the deepest divine, and gravest lawyer, outof them two for him—DAUP: Thou canst not, man; these are waking dreams.TRUE: Do not fear me. Clap but a civil gown with a welt on theone; and a canonical cloak with sleeves on the other: and givethem a few terms in their mouths, if there come not forth as ablea doctor, and complete a parson, for this turn, as may be wish'd,trust not my election: and, I hope, without wronging the dignityof either profession, since they are but persons put on, and formirth's sake, to torment him. The barber smatters Latin, Iremember.DAUP: Yes, and Otter too.TRUE: Well then, if I make them not wrangle out this case to hisno comfort, let me be thought a Jack Daw or La-Foole or anythingworse. Go you to your ladies, but first send for them.DAUP: I will.[EXEUNT.]