SCENE II. — ANOTHER ROOM IN THE SAME.ENTER FALLACE AND FUNGOSO RUNNING; SHE CLAPS TO THE DOOR.FAL. Help me, brother! Ods body, an you come here I'll do myself a mischief.DELI. [WITHIN.] Nay, hear me, sweet wife; unless thou wilt have me go, Iwill not go.FAL. Tut, you shall never have that vantage of me, to say, you are undoneby me. I'll not bid you stay, I. Brother, sweet brother, here's fourangels, I'll give you towards your suit: for the love of gentry, and asever you came of Christian creature, make haste to the water side, (youknow where master Fastidious uses to land,) and give him warning of myhusband's malicious intent; and tell him of that lean rascal's treachery.O heavens, how my flesh rises at him! Nay, sweet brother, make haste: youmay say, I would have writ to him, but that the necessity of the time wouldnot permit. He cannot choose but take it extraordinarily from me: andcommend me to him, good brother; say, I sent you.[EXIT.FUNG. Let me see, these four angels, and then forty shillings more I canborrow on my gown in Fetter Lane. — Well, I will go presently, say on mysuit, pay as much money as I have, and swear myself into credit with mytailor for the rest.[EXIT.
SCENE III. — ANOTHER ROOM IN THE SAME.ENTER DELIRO AND MACILENTE.DELI. O, on my soul you wrong her, Macilente. Though she be froward, yetI know she is honest.MACI. Well, then have I no judgment. Would any woman, but one that werewild in her affections, have broke out into that immodest and violentpassion against her husband? or is't possible —DELI. If you love me, forbear; all the arguments i' the world shall neverwrest my heart to believe it.[EXEUNT.COR. How like you the deciphering of his dotage?MIT. O, strangely: an of the other's envy too, that labours so seriouslyto set debate betwixt a man and his wife. Stay, here comes the knightadventurer.COR. Ay, and his scrivener with him.
SCENE IV. — PUNTARVOLO'S LODGINGS.ENTER PUNTARVOLO, NOTARY, AND SERVANTS WITH THE DOG AND CAT.PUNT. I wonder monsieur Fastidious comes not! But, notary, if thou pleaseto draw the indentures the while, I will give thee thy instructions.NOT. With all my heart, sir; and I'll fall in hand with them presently.PUNT. Well then, first the sum is to be understood.NOT. [WRITES.] Good, sir.PUNT. Next, our several appellations, and character of my dog and cat,must be known. Shew him the cat, sirrah.NOT. So, sir.PUNT. Then, that the intended bound is the Turk's court in Constantinople;the time limited for our return, a year; and that if either of us miscarry,the whole venture is lost. These are general, conceiv'st thou? or ifeither of us turn Turk.NOT. Ay, sir.PUNT. Now, for particulars: that I may make my travels by sea or land, tomy best liking; and that hiring a coach for myself, it shall be lawful formy dog or cat, or both, to ride with me in the said coach.NOT. Very good, sir.PUNT. That I may choose to give my dog or cat, fish, for fear of bones; orany other nutriment that, by the judgment of the most authenticalphysicians where I travel, shall be thought dangerous.NOT. Well, sir.PUNT. That, after the receipt of his money, he shall neither, in his ownperson, nor any other, either by direct or indirect means, as magic,witchcraft, or other such exotic arts, attempt, practise, or complot anything to the prejudice of me, my dog, or my cat: neither shall I use thehelp of any such sorceries or enchantments, as unctions to make our skinsimpenetrable, or to travel invisible by virtue of a powder, or a ring, orto hang any three-forked charm about my dog's neck, secretly conveyed intohis collar; (understand you?) but that all be performed sincerely, withoutfraud or imposture.NOT. So, sir.PUNT. That, for testimony of the performance, myself am to bring thence aTurk's mustachio, my dog a Grecian hare's lips, and my cat the train ortail of a Thracian rat.NOT. [WRITES.] 'Tis done, sir.PUNT. 'Tis said, sir; not done, sir. But forward; that, upon my return,and landing on the Tower-wharf, with the aforesaid testimony, I am toreceive five for one, according to the proportion of the sums put forth.NOT. Well, sir.PUNT. Provided, that if before our departure, or setting forth, eithermyself or these be visited with sickness, or any other casual event, sothat the whole course of the adventure be hindered thereby, that then he isto return, and I am to receive the prenominated proportion upon fair andequal terms.NOT. Very good, sir; is this all?PUNT. It is all, sir; and dispatch them, good notary.NOT. As fast as is possible, sir.[EXIT.ENTER CARLO.PUNT. O Carlo! welcome: saw you monsieur Brisk?CAR. Not I: did he appoint you to meet here?PUNT. Ay, and I muse he should be so tardy; he is to take an hundredpounds of me in venture, if he maintain his promise.CAR. Is his hour past?PUNT. Not yet, but it comes on apace.CAR. Tut, be not jealous of him; he will sooner break all thecommandments, than his hour; upon my life, in such a case trust him.PUNT. Methinks, Carlo, you look very smooth, ha!CAR. Why, I came but now from a hot-house; I must needs look smooth.PUNT. From a hot-house!CAR. Ay, do you make a wonder on't? why, it is your only physic. Let aman sweat once a week in a hot-house, and be well rubb'd, and froted, witha good plump juicy wench, and sweet linen, he shall ne'er have the pox.PUNT. What, the French pox?CAR. The French pox! out pox: we have them in as good a form as they,man; what?PUNT. Let me perish, but thou art a salt one! was your new-createdgallant there with you, Sogliardo?CAR. O porpoise! hang him, no: he's a leiger at Horn's ordinary, yonder;his villainous Ganymede and he have been droning a tobacco-pipe there eversince yesterday noon.PUNT. Who? signior Tripartite, that would give my dog the whiffe?CAR. Ay, he. They have hired a chamber and all, private, to practise in,for the making of the patoun, the receipt reciprocal, and a number of othermysteries not yet extant. I brought some dozen or twenty gallants thismorning to view them, as you'd do a piece of perspective, in at a key-hole;and there we might see Sogliardo sit in a chair, holding his snout up likea sow under an apple-tree, while the other open'd his nostrils with apoking-stick, to give the smoke a more free delivery. They had spit somethree or fourscore ounces between 'em, afore we came away.PUNT. How! spit three or fourscore ounces?CAR. Ay, and preserv'd it in porrengers, as a barber does his blood, whenhe opens a vein.PUNT. Out, pagan! how dost thou open the vein of thy friend?CAR. Friend! is there any such foolish thing in the world, ha? 'slid Inever relished it yet.PUNT. Thy humour is the more dangerous.CAR. No, not a whit, signior. Tut, a man must keep time in all; I can oilmy tongue when I meet him next, and look with a good sleek forehead; 'twilltake away all soil of suspicion, and that's enough: what Lynceus can seemy heart? Pish, the title of a friend! it's a vain, idle thing, onlyvenerable among fools; you shall not have one that has any opinion of witaffect it.ENTER DELIRO AND MACILENTE.DELI. Save you, good sir Puntarvolo.PUNT. Signior Deliro! welcome.DELI. Pray you, sir, did you see master Fastidious Brisk? I heard he wasto meet your worship here.PUNT. You heard no figment, sir; I do expect him at every pulse of my watch.DELI. In good time, sir.CAR. There's a fellow now looks like one of the patricians of Sparta;marry, his wit's after ten i' the hundred: a good bloodhound, aclose-mouthed dog, he follows the scent well; marry, he's at fault now,methinks.PUNT. I should wonder at that creature is free from the danger of thy tongue.CAR. O, I cannot abide these limbs of satin, or rather Satan indeed, thatwill walk, like the children of darkness, all day in a melancholy shop,with their pockets full of blanks, ready to swallow up as many poorunthrifts as come within the verge.PUNT. So! and what hast thou for him that is with him, now?CAR. O, d—n me! immortality! I'll not meddle with him; the pure elementof fire, all spirit, extraction.PUNT. How, Carlo! ha, what is he, man?CAR. A scholar, Macilente; do you not know him? a rank, raw-bonedanatomy, he walks up and down like a charged musket, no man dares encounterhim: that's his rest there.PUNT. His rest! why, has he a forked head?CAR. Pardon me, that's to be suspended; you are too quick, too apprehensive.DELI. Troth, now I think on't, I'll defer it till some other time.MACI. Not by any means, signior, you shall not lose this opportunity, hewill be here presently now.DELI. Yes, faith, Macilente, 'tis best. For, look you, sir, I shall soexceedingly offend my wife in't, that —MACI. Your wife! now for shame lose these thoughts, and become the masterof your own spirits. Should I, if I had a wife, suffer myself to be thuspassionately carried to and fro with the stream of her humour, and neglectmy deepest affairs, to serve her affections? 'Slight, I would geld myselffirst.DELI. O, but signior, had you such a wife as mine is, you would —MACI. Such a wife! Now hate me, sir, if ever I discern'd any wonder inyour wife yet, with all the speculation I have: I have seen some that havebeen thought fairer than she, in my time; and I have seen those, have notbeen altogether so tall, esteem'd properer women; and I have seen lessnoses grow upon sweeter faces, that have done very well too, in myjudgment. But in good faith, signior, for all this, the gentlewoman is agood, pretty, proud, hard-favour'd thing, marry not so peerlessly to bedoted upon, I must confess: nay, be not angry.DELI. Well, sir, however you please to forget yourself, I have notdeserv'd to be thus played upon; but henceforth, pray you forbear my house,for I can but faintly endure the savour of his breath, at my table, thatshall thus jade me for my courtesies.MACI. Nay, then, signior, let me tell you, your wife is no proper woman,and by my life, I suspect her honesty, that's more, which you may likewisesuspect, if you please, do you see? I'll urge you to nothing against yourappetite, but if you please, you may suspect it.DELI. Good sir.[EXIT.MACI. Good, sir! now horn upon horn pursue thee, thou blind, egregiousdotard!CAR. O, you shall hear him speak like envy. — Signior Macilente, you sawmonsieur Brisk lately: I heard you were with him at court.MACI. Ay, Buffone, I was with him.CAR. And how is he respected there? I know you'll deal ingenuously withus; is he made much of amongst the sweeter sort of gallants?MACI. Faith, ay; his civet and his casting-glassHave helpt him to a place amongst the rest:And there, his seniors give him good slight looks,After their garb, smile, and salute in FrenchWith some new compliment.CAR. What, is this all?MACI. Why say, that they should shew the frothy foolSuch grace as they pretend comes from the heart,He had a mighty windfall out of doubt!Why, all their graces are not to do graceTo virtue or desert; but to ride bothWith their gilt spurs quite breathless, from themselves.'Tis now esteem'd precisianism in wit,And a disease in nature, to be kindToward desert, to love or seek good names.Who feeds with a good name? who thrives with loving?Who can provide feast for his own desires,With serving others? — ha, ha, ha!'Tis folly, by our wisest worldlings proved,If not to gain by love, to be beloved.CAR. How like you him? is't not a good spiteful slave, ha?PUNT. Shrewd, shrewd.CAR. D—n me! I could eat his flesh now; divine sweet villain!MACI. Nay, prithee leave: What's he there?CAR. Who? this in the starched beard? it's the dull stiff knightPuntarvolo, man; he's to travel now presently: he has a good knotty wit;marry, he carries little on't out of the land with him.MACI. How then?CAR. He puts it forth in venture, as he does his money upon the return ofa dog and cat.MACI. Is this he?CAR. Ay, this is he; a good tough gentleman: he looks like a shield ofbrawn at Shrove-tide, out of date, and ready to take his leave; or a drypole of ling upon Easter-eve, that has furnish'd the table all Lent, as hehas done the city this last vacation.MACI. Come, you'll never leave your stabbing similes: I shall have youaiming at me with 'em by and by; but —CAR. O, renounce me then! pure, honest, good devil, I love thee above thelove of women: I could e'en melt in admiration of thee, now. Ods so, lookhere, man; Sir Dagonet and his squire!ENTER SOGLIARDO AND SHIFT.SOG. Save you, my dear gallantos: nay, come, approach, good cavalier:prithee, sweet knight, know this gentleman, he's one that it pleases me touse as my good friend and companion; and therefore do him good offices: Ibeseech you, gentles, know him, I know him all over.PUNT. Sir, for signior Sogliardo's sake, let it suffice, I know you.SOG. Why, as I am a gentleman, I thank you, knight, and it shall suffice.Hark you, sir Puntarvolo, you'd little think it; he's as resolute a pieceof flesh as any in the world.PUNT. Indeed, sir!SOG. Upon my gentility, sir: Carlo, a word with you; do you see that samefellow, there?CAR. What, cavalier Shirt?SOG. O, you know him; cry you mercy: before me, I think him the tallestman living within the walls of Europe.CAR. The walls of Europe! take heed what you say, signior, Europe's ahuge thing within the walls.SOG. 'Tut, an 'twere as huge again, I'd justify what I speak. 'Slid, heswagger'd even now in a place where we were — I never saw a man do it moreresolute.CAR. Nay, indeed, swaggering is a good argument of resolution. Do youhear this, signior?MACI. Ay, to my grief. O, that such muddy flags,For every drunken flourish should achieveThe name of manhood, whilst true perfect valour,Hating to shew itself, goes by despised!Heart! I do know now, in a fair just cause,I dare do more than he, a thousand times;Why should not they take knowledge of this, ha!And give my worth allowance before his?Because I cannot swagger. — Now, the poxLight on your Pickt-hatch prowess!SOG. Why, I tell you, sir; he has been the only 'Bid-stand' that ever keptNew-market, Salisbury-plain, Hockley i' the Hole, Gadshill, and all thehigh places of any request: he has had his mares and his geldings, he,have been worth forty, threescore, a hundred pound a horse, would ha'sprung you over the hedge and ditch like your greyhound: he has done fivehundred robberies in his time, more or less, I assure you.PUNT. What, and scaped?SOG. Scaped! i'faith, ay: he has broken the gaol when he has been inirons and irons; and been out and in again; and out, and in; forty times,and not so few, he.MACI. A fit trumpet, to proclaim such a person.CAR. But can this be possible?SHIFT. Pardon me, my dear Orestes; causes have their quiddits, and 'tisill jesting with bell-ropes.CAR. How! Pylades and Orestes?SOG. Ay, he is my Pylades, and I am his Orestes: how like you the conceit?CAR. O, 'tis an old stale interlude device; no, I'll give you namesmyself, look you; he shall be your Judas, and you shall be his elder-treeto hang on.MACI. Nay, rather let him be captain Pod, and this his motion: for hedoes nothing but shew him.CAR. Excellent: or thus; you shall be Holden, and he your camel.SHIFT. You do not mean to ride, gentlemen?PUNT. Faith, let me end it for you, gallants: you shall be hisCountenance, and he your Resolution.SOG. Troth, that's pretty: how say you, cavalier, shall it be so?CAR. Ay, ay, most voices.SHIFT. Faith, I am easily yielding to any good impressions.SOG. Then give hands, good Resolution.CAR. Mass, he cannot say, good Countenance, now, properly, to him again.PUNT. Yes, by an irony.MACI. O, sir, the countenance of Resolution should, as he is, bealtogether grim and unpleasant.ENTER FASTIDIOUS BRISK.FAST. Good hours make music with your mirth, gentlemen, and keep time toyour humours! — How now, Carlo?PUNT. Monsieur Brisk? many a long look have I extended for you, sir.FAST. Good faith, I must crave pardon: I was invited this morning, ere Iwas out of my bed, by a bevy of ladies, to a banquet: whence it was almostone of Hercules's labours for me to come away,but that the respect of my promise did so prevail with me. I know they'lltake it very ill, especially one, that gave me this bracelet of her hairbut over night, and this pearl another gave me from her forehead, marry she— what! are the writings ready?PUNT. I will send my man to know. Sirrah, go you to the notary's, andlearn if he be ready: leave the dog, sir.[EXIT SERVANT.FAST. And how does my rare qualified friend, Sogliardo? Oh, signiorMacilente! by these eyes, I saw you not; I had saluted you sooner else, o'my troth. I hope, sir, I may presume upon you, that you will not divulgemy late check, or disgrace, indeed, sir.MACI. You may, sir.CAR. He knows some notorious jest by this gull, that he hath him soobsequious.SOG. Monsieur Fastidious, do you see this fellow there? does he not looklike a clown? would you think there were any thing in him?FAST. Any thing in him! beshrew me, ay; the fellow hath a good ingeniousface.SOG. By this element he is as ingenious a tall man as ever swagger'd aboutLondon: he, and I, call Countenance and Resolution; but his name iscavalier Shift.PUNT. Cavalier, you knew signior Clog, that was hang'd for the robbery atHarrow on the hill?SOG. Knew him, sir! why, 'twas he gave all the directions for the action.PUNT. How! was it your project, sir?SHIFT. Pardon me, Countenance, you do me some wrong to make occasionspublic, which I imparted to you in private.SOG. God's will! here are none but friends, Resolution.SHIFT. That's all one; things of consequence must have their respects;where, how, and to whom. — Yes, sir, he shewed himself a true Clog in thecoherence of that affair, sir; for, if he had managed matters as they werecorroborated to him, it had been better for him by a forty or fifty scoreof pounds, sir; and he himself might have lived, in despight of fates, tohave fed on woodcocks, with the rest: but it was his heavy fortune tosink, poor Clog! and therefore talk no more of him.PUNT. Why, had he more aiders then?SOG. O lord, sir! ay, there were some present there, that were the NineWorthies to him, i'faith.SHIFT. Ay, sir, I can satisfy you at more convenient conference: but, formine own part, I have now reconciled myself to other courses, and profess aliving out of my other qualities.SOG. Nay, he has left all now, I assure you, and is able to live like agentleman, by his qualities. By this dog, he has the most rare gift intobacco that ever you knew.CAR. He keeps more ado with this monster, than ever Banks did with hishorse, or the fellow with the elephant.MACI. He will hang out his picture shortly, in a cloth, you shall see.SOG. O, he does manage a quarrel the best that ever you saw, for terms andcircumstances.FAST. Good faith, signior, now you speak of a quarrel, I'll acquaint youwith a difference that happened between a gallant and myself; sirPuntarvolo, you know him if I should name him signior Luculento.PUNT. Luculento! what inauspicious chance interposed itself to your twoloves?FAST. Faith, sir, the same that sundered Agamemnon and great Thetis' son;but let the cause escape, sir: he sent me a challenge, mixt with some fewbraves, which I restored, and in fine we met. Now, indeed, sir, I musttell you, he did offer at first very desperately, but without judgment:for, look you, sir, I cast myself into this figure; now he comes violentlyon, and withal advancing his rapier to strike, I thought to have took hisarm, for he had left his whole body to my election, and I was sure he couldnot recover his guard. Sir, I mist my purpose in his arm, rash'd hisdoublet-sleeve, ran him close by the left cheek, and through his hair. Heagain lights me here, — I had on a gold cable hatband, then new come up,which I wore about a murey French hat I had, — cuts my hatband, and yet itwas massy goldsmith's work, cuts my brims, which by good fortune, beingthick embroidered with gold twist and spangles, disappointed the force ofthe blow: nevertheless, it grazed on my shoulder, takes me away six purlsof an Italian cut-work band I wore, cost me three pound in the Exchange butthree days before.PUNT. This was a strange encounter.FAST. Nay, you shall hear, sir: with this we both fell out, and breath'd.Now, upon the second sign of his assault, I betook me to the former mannerof my defence; he, on the other side, abandon'd his body to the same dangeras before, and follows me still with blows: but I being loth to take thedeadly advantage that lay before me of his left side, made a kind ofstramazoun, ran him up to the hilts through the doublet, through the shirt,and yet miss'd the skin. He, making a reverse blow, — falls upon myemboss'd girdle, I had thrown off the hangers a little before — strikesoff a skirt of a thick-laced satin doublet I had, lined with four taffatas,cuts off two panes embroidered with pearl, rends through the drawings-outof tissue, enters the linings, and skips the flesh.CAR. I wonder he speaks not of his wrought shirt.FAST. Here, in the opinion of mutual damage, we paused; but, ere Iproceed, I must tell you, signior, that, in this last encounter, not havingleisure to put off my silver spurs, one of the rowels catch'd hold of theruffle of my boot, and, being Spanish leather, and subject to tear,overthrows me, rends me two pair of silk stockings, that I put on, beingsomewhat a raw morning, a peach colour and another, and strikes me somehalf inch deep into the side of the calf: he, seeing the blood come,presently takes horse, and away: I, having bound up my wound with a pieceof my wrought shirt —CAR. O! comes it in there?FAST. Rid after him, and, lighting at the court gate both together,embraced, and march'dhand in hand up into the presence. Was not thisbusiness well carried?MACI. Well! yes, and by this we can guess what apparel the gentleman wore.PUNT. 'Fore valour, it was a designment begun with much resolution,maintain'd with as much prowess, and ended with more humanity. —RE-ENTER SERVANT.How now, what says the notary?SERV. He says, he is ready, sir; he stays but your worship's pleasure.PUNT. Come, we will go to him, monsieur. Gentlemen, shall we entreat youto be witnesses?SOG. You shall entreat me, sir. — Come, Resolution.SHIFT. I follow you, good Countenance.CAR. Come, signior, come, come.[EXEUNT ALL BUT MACILENTE.MACI. O, that there should be fortuneTo clothe these men, so naked in desert!And that the just storm of a wretched lifeBeats them not ragged for their wretched souls,And, since as fruitless, even as black, as coals![EXIT.MIT. Why, but signior, how comes it that Fungoso appeared not with hissister's intelligence to Brisk?COR. Marry, long of the evil angels that she gave him, who have indeedtempted the good simple youth to follow the tail of the fashion, andneglect the imposition of his friends. Behold, here he comes, veryworshipfully attended, and with good variety.
SCENE V. — A ROOM IN DELIRO'S HOUSEENTER FUNGOSO IN A NEW SUIT, FOLLOWED BY HIS TAILOR, SHOEMAKER, ANDHABERDASHER.FUNG. Gramercy, good shoemaker, I'll put to strings myself..[EXIT SHOEMAKER.] — Now, sir, let me see, what must you have for this hat?HABE. Here's the bill, sir.FUNG. How does it become me, well?TAI. Excellent, sir, as ever you had any hat in your life.FUNG. Nay, you'll say so all.HABE. In faith, sir, the hat's as good as any man in this town can serveyou, and will maintain fashion as long; never trust me for a groat else.FUNG. Does it apply well to my suit?TAI. Exceeding well, sir.FUNG. How lik'st thou my suit, haberdasher?HABE. By my troth, sir, 'tis very rarely well made; I never saw a suit sitbetter, I can tell on.TAI. Nay, we have no art to please our friends, we!FUNG. Here, haberdasher, tell this same.[GIVES HIM MONEY.HABE. Good faith, sir, it makes you have an excellent body.FUNG. Nay, believe me, I think I have as good a body in clothes as another.TAI. You lack points to bring your apparel together, sir.FUNG. I'll have points anon. How now! Is't right?HABE. Faith, sir, 'tis too little' but upon farther hopes — Good morrowto you, sir.[EXIT.FUNG. Farewell, good haberdasher. Well now, master Snip, let me see yourbill.MIT. Me thinks he discharges his followers too thick.COR. O, therein he saucily imitates some great man. I warrant you, thoughhe turns off them, he keeps this tailor, in place of a page, to follow himstill.FUNG. This bill is very reasonable, in faith: hark you, master Snip —Troth, sir, I am not altogether so well furnished at this present, as Icould wish I were; but — if you'll do me the favour to take part in hand,you shall have all I have, by this hand.TAI. Sir —FUNG. And but give me credit for the rest, till the beginning of the nextterm.TAI. O lord, sir —FUNG. 'Fore God, and by this light, I'll pay you to the utmost, andacknowledge myself very deeply engaged to you by the courtesy.TAI. Why, how much have you there, sir?FUNG. Marry, I have here four angels, and fifteen shillings of whitemoney: it's all I have, as I hope to be blestTAI. You will not fail me at the next term with the rest?FUNG. No, an I do, pray heaven I be hang'd. Let me never breathe againupon this mortal stage, as the philosopher calls it! By this air, and as Iam a gentleman, I'll hold.COR. He were an iron-hearted fellow, in my judgment, that would not credithim upon this volley of oaths.TAI. Well, sir, I'll not stick with any gentleman for a trifle: you knowwhat 'tis remains?FUNG. Ay, sir, and I give you thanks in good faith. O fate, how happy Iam made in this good fortune! Well, now I'll go seek out monsieur Brisk.'Ods so, I have forgot riband for my shoes, and points. 'Slid, what luck'sthis! how shall I do? Master Snip, pray let me reduct some two or threeshillings for points and ribands: as I am an honest man, I have utterlydisfurnished myself, in the default of memory; pray let me be beholding toyou; it shall come home in the bill, believe me.TAI. Faith, sir, I can hardly depart with ready money; but I'll take up,and send you some by my boy presently. What coloured riband would you have?FUNG. What you shall think meet in your judgment, sir, to my suit.TAI. Well, I'll send you some presently.FUNG. And points too, sir?TAI. And points too, sir.FUNG. Good lord, how shall I study to deserve this kindness of you sir!Pray let your youth make haste, for I should have done a business an hoursince, that I doubt I shall come too late.[EXIT TAILOR.]Now, in good faith, I am exceeding proud of my suit.COR. Do you observe the plunges that this poor gallant is put to, signior,to purchase the fashion?MIT. Ay, and to be still a fashion behind with the world, that's the sport.COR. Stay: O, here they come from seal'd and deliver'd.
SCENE VI. — PUNTARVOLO'S LODGINGS.ENTER PUNTARVOLO, FASTIDIOUS BRISK IN A NEW SUIT, AND SERVANTS WITH THE DOG.PUNT. Well, now my whole venture is forth, I will resolve to depart shortly.FAST. Faith, sir Puntarvolo, go to the court, and take leave of the ladiesfirst.PUNT. I care not, if it be this afternoon's labour. Where is Carlo?FAST. Here he comes.ENTER CARLO, SOGLIARDO, SHIFT, AND MACILENTE.CAR. Faith, gallants, I am persuading this gentleman [POINTS TO SOGLIARDO]to turn courtier. He is a man of fair revenue, and his estate will bearthe charge well. Besides, for his other gifts of the mind, or so, why theyare as nature lent him them, pure, simple, without any artificial drug ormixture of these two threadbare beggarly qualities, learning and knowledge,and therefore the more accommodate and genuine. Now, for the life itself —FAST. O, the most celestial, and full of wonder and delight, that can beimagined, signior, beyond thought and apprehension of pleasure! A manlives there in that divine rapture, that he will think himself i' the ninthheaven for the time, and lose all sense of mortality whatsoever, when heshall behold such glorious, and almost immortal beauties; hear suchangelical and harmonious voices, discourse with such flowing and ambrosialspirits, whose wits are as sudden as lightning, and humorous as nectar; oh,it makes a man all quintessence and flame, and lifts him up, in a moment,to the very crystal crown of the sky, where, hovering in the strength ofhis imagination, he shall behold all the delights of the Hesperides, theInsulae Fortunatae, Adonis' Gardens, Tempe, or what else, confined withinthe amplest verge of poesy, to be mere umbrae, and imperfect figures,conferred with the most essential felicity of your court.MACI. Well, this ecomium was not extemporal, it came too perfectly off.CAR. Besides, sir, you shall never need to go to a hot-house, you shallsweat there with courting your mistress, or losing your money at primero,as well as in all the stoves in Sweden. Marry, this, sir, you must ever besure to carry a good strong perfume about you, that your mistress's dog maysmell you out amongst the rest; and, in making love to her, never fear tobe out; for you may have a pipe of tobacco, or a bass viol shall hang o'the wall, of purpose, will put you in presently. The tricks yourResolution has taught you in tobacco, the whiffe, and those sleights, willstand you in very good ornament there.FAST. Ay, to some, perhaps; but, an he should come to my mistress withtobacco (this gentleman knows) she'd reply upon him, i'faith. O, by thisbright sun, she has the most acute, ready, and facetious wit that — tut,there's no spirit able to stand her. You can report it, signior, you haveseen her.PUNT. Then can he report no less, out of his judgment, I assure him.MACI. Troth, I like her well enough, but she's too self-conceited, methinks.FAST. Ay, indeed, she's a little too self-conceited; an 'twere not forthat humour, she were the most-to-be-admired lady in the world.PUNT. Indeed, it is a humour that takes from her other excellences.MACI. Why, it may easily be made to forsake her, in my thought.FAST. Easily, sir! then are all impossibilities easy.MACI. You conclude too quick upon me, signior. What will you say, if Imake it so perspicuously appear now, that yourself shall confess nothingmore possible?FAST. Marry, I will say, I will both applaud and admire you for it.PUNT. And I will second him in the admiration.MACI. Why, I'll show you, gentlemen. — Carlo, come hither.[MACI., CAR., PUNT., AND FAST. WHISPER TOGETHER.SOG. Good faith, I have a great humour to the court. What thinks myResolution? shall I adventure?SHIFT. Troth, Countenance, as you please; the place is a place of goodreputation and capacity.SOG. O, my tricks in tobacco, as Carlo says, will show excellent there.SHIFT. Why, you may go with these gentlemen now, and see fashions; andafter, as you shall see correspondence.SOG. You say true. You will go with me, Resolution?SHIFT. I will meet you, Countenance, about three or four o'clock; but, tosay to go with you, I cannot; for, as I am Apple-John, I am to go beforethe cockatrice you saw this morning, and therefore pray, present meexcused, good Countenance.SOG. Farewell, good Resolution, but fail not to meet.SHIFT. As I live.[EXIT.PUNT. Admirably excellent!MACI. If you can but persuade Sogliardo to court, there's all now.CAR. O, let me alone, that's my task.[GOES TO SOGLIARDO.FAST. Now, by wit, Macilente, it's above measure excellent; 'twill be theonly court-exploit that ever proved courtier ingenious.PUNT. Upon my soul, it puts the lady quite out of her humour, and we shalllaugh with judgment.CAR. Come, the gentleman was of himself resolved to go with you, afore Imoved it.MACI. Why, then, gallants, you two and Carlo go afore to prepare the jest;Sogliardo and I will come some while after you.CAR. Pardon me, I am not for the court.PUNT. That's true; Carlo comes not at court, indeed. Well, you shallleave it to the faculty of monsieur Brisk, and myself; upon our lives, wewill manage it happily. Carlo shall bespeak supper at the Mitre, againstwe come back: where we will meet and dimple our cheeks with laughter atthe success.CAR. Ay, but will you promise to come?PUNT. Myself shall undertake for them; he that fails, let his reputationlie under the lash of thy tongue.CAR. Ods so, look who comes here!ENTER FUNGOSO.SOG. What, nephew!FUNG. Uncle, God save you; did you see a gentleman, one monsieur Brisk, acourtier? he goes in such a suit as I do.SOG. Here is the gentleman, nephew, but not in such a suit.FUNG. Another suit!SOG. How now, nephew?FAST. Would you speak with me, sir?CAR. Ay, when he has recovered himself, poor Poll!PUNT. Some rosa-solis.MACI. How now, signior?FUNG. I am not well, sir.MACI. Why, this it is to dog the fashion.CAR. Nay, come, gentlemen, remember your affairs; his disease is nothingbut the flux of apparel.PUNT. Sirs, return to the lodging, keep the cat safe; I'll be the dog'sguardian myself.[EXEUNT SERVANTS.SOG. Nephew, will you go to court with us? these gentlemen and I are forthe court; nay, be not so melancholy.FUNG. 'Slid, I think no man in Christendom has that rascally fortune thatI have.MACI. Faith, you suit is well enough, signior.FUNG. Nay, not for that, I protest; but I had an errand to monsieurFastidious, and I have forgot it.MACI. Why, go along to court with us, and remember it; come, gentlemen,you three take one boat, and Sogliardo and I will take another; we shall bethere instantly.FAST. Content: good sir, vouchsafe us your pleasance.PUNT. Farewell, Carlo: remember.CAR. I warrant you: would I had one of Kemp's shoes to throw after you.PUNT. Good fortune will close the eyes of our jest, fear not; and we shallfrolick.[EXEUNT.MIT. This Macilente, signior, begins to be more sociable on a sudden,methinks, than he was before: there's some portent in it, I believe.COR. O, he's a fellow of a strange nature. Now does he, in this calm ofhis humour, plot, and store up a world of malicious thoughts in his brain,till he is so full with them, that you shall see the very torrent of hisenvy break forth like a land-flood: and, against the course of all theiraffections, oppose itself so violently, that you will almost have wonder tothink, how 'tis possible the current of their dispositions shall receive soquick and strong an alteration.MIT. Ay, marry, sir, this is that, on which my expectation has dwelt allthis while; for I must tell you, signior, though I was loth to interruptthe scene, yet I made it a question in mine own private discourse, how heshould properly call it "Every Man out of his Humour", when I saw all hisactors so strongly pursue, and continue their humours?COR. Why, therein his art appears most full of lustre, and approachethnearest the life; especially when in the flame and height of their humours,they are laid flat, it fills the eye better, and with more contentment.How tedious a sight were it to behold a proud exalted tree kept and cutdown by degrees, when it might be fell'd in a moment! and to set the axeto it before it came to that pride and fulness, were, as not to have itgrow.MIT. Well, I shall long till I see this fall, you talk of.COR. To help your longing, signior, let your imagination be swifter than apair of oars: and by this, suppose Puntarvolo, Brisk, Fungoso, and thedog, arrived at the court-gate, and going up to the great chamber.Macilente and Sogliardo, we'll leave them on the water, till possibilityand natural means may land them. Here come the gallants, now prepare yourexpectations.
SCENE I. — THE PALACE STAIRS.ENTER PUNTARVOLO, WITH HIS DOG, FOLLOWED BY FASTIDIOUSBRISK AND FUNGOSO.PUNT. Come, gentles, Signior, you are sufficiently instructed.FAST. Who, I, sir?PUNT. No, this gentleman. But stay, I take thought how to bestow my dog;he is no competent attendant for the presence.FAST. Mass, that's true, indeed, knight; you must not carry him into thepresence.PUNT. I know it, and I, like a dull beast, forgot to bring one of mycormorants to attend me.FAST. Why, you were best leave him at the porter's lodge.PUNT. Not so; his worth is too well known amongst them, to be forth-coming.FAST. 'Slight, how will you do then?PUNT. I must leave him with one that is ignorant of his quality, if I willhave him to be safe. And see! here comes one that will carry coals, ergo,will hold my dog.ENTER A GROOM, WITH A BASKET.My honest friend, may I commit the tuition of this dog to thy prudent care?GROOM. You may, if you please, sir.PUNT. Pray thee let me find thee here at my return; it shall not be long,till I will ease thee of thy employment, and please thee. Forth, gentles.FAST. Why, but will you leave him with so slight command, and infuse nomore charge upon the fellow?PUNT. Charge! no; there were no policy in that; that were to let him knowthe value of the gem he holds, and so to tempt frail nature against herdisposition. No, pray thee let thy honesty be sweet, as it shall be short.GROOM. Yes, sir.PUNT. But hark you, gallants, and chiefly monsieur Brisk: when we come ineye-shot, or presence of this lady, let not other matters carry us from ourproject; but, if we can, single her forth to some place —FAST. I warrant you.PUNT. And be not too sudden, but let the device induce itself with goodcircumstance. On.FUNG. Is this the way? good truth, here be fine hangings.[EXEUNT PUNT., FAST., AND FUNGOSO.GROOM. Honesty! sweet, and short! Marry, it shall, sir, doubt you not;for even at this instant if one would give me twenty pounds, I would notdeliver him; there's for the sweet: but now, if any man come offer me buttwo-pence, he shall have him; there's for the short now. 'Slid, what a madhumorous gentleman is this to leave his dog with me! I could run away withhim now, an he were worth any thing.ENTER MACILENTE AND SOGLIARDO.MACI. Come on, signior, now prepare to court this all-witted lady, mostnaturally, and like yourself.SOG. Faith, an you say the word, I'll begin to her in tobacco.MACI. O, fie on't! no; you shall begin with, "How does my sweet lady",or, "Why are you so melancholy, madam?" though she be very merry, it's allone. Be sure to kiss your hand often enough; pray for her health, and tellher, how "More than most fair she is". Screw your face at one side thus,and protest: let her fleer, and look askance, and hide her teeth with herfan, when she laughs a fit, to bring her into more matter, that's nothing:you must talk forward, (though it be without sense, so it be withoutblushing,) 'tis most court-like and well.SOG. But shall I not use tobacco at all?MACI. O, by no means; 'twill but make your breath suspected, and that youuse it only to confound the rankness of that.SOG. Nay, I'll be advised, sir, by my friends.MACI. Od's my life, see where sir Puntarvolo's dog is.GROOM. I would the gentleman would return for his follower here, I'llleave him to his fortunes else.MACI. 'Twere the only true jest in the world to poison him now; ha! bythis hand I'll do it, if I could but get him of the fellow. [ASIDE.]Signior Sogliardo, walk aside, and think upon some device to entertain thelady with.SOG. So I do, sir.[WALKS OFF IN A MEDITATING POSTURE.MACI. How now, mine honest friend! whose dog-keeper art thou?GROOM. Dog-keeper, sir! I hope I scorn that, i'faith.MACI. Why, dost thou not keep a dog?GROOM. Sir, now I do, and now I do not: [THROWS OFF THE DOG.] I thinkthis be sweet and short. Make me his dog-keeper![EXIT.MACI. This is excellent, above expectation! nay, stay, sir; [SEIZING THEDOG.] you'd be travelling; but I'll give you a dram shall shorten yourvoyage, here. [GIVES HIM POISON.] So, sir, I'll be bold to take my leaveof you. Now to the Turk's court in the devil's name, for you shall nevergo o' God's name. [KICKS HIM OUT.] — Sogliardo, come.SOG. I have it i'faith now, will sting it.MACI. Take heed you leese it not signior, ere you come there; preserve it.[EXEUNT.COR. How like you this first exploit of his?MIT. O, a piece of true envy; but I expect the issue of the other device.COR. Here they come will make it appear.