CHAPTER XIVWomen and Children
The Diplomat says:—“Oh, let us form an everlasting alliance.”
The Soldier:—“You gave my heart an incurable wound; or ‘you came; I saw; you conquered.’”
The Doctor:—“Only you can cure my suffering heart.”
The Florist:—“Just one word from your lips and our path through life shall be strewn with roses.”
The Builder:—“Let us plan our cottage together.”
The Sailor:—“Loveliest maiden, united to you, I could brave all the storms of life.”
The Jeweler:—“This single band shall form a golden chain.”
The Scientist:—“Ah, let me explore your heart and read my happiness in your eyes.”
The Sculptor:—“If your heart is not of marble, let my image dwell therein.”
The Baker:—“Will you share my bread in joy and sorrow?”
The Candlemaker:—“You shall be the light of my life.”
Lady:—“The gentleman will surely buy this small bouquet!”
Gentleman:—“Certainly, madam, how much is it?”
Lady:—“Suppose we say twenty marks?”
Gentleman:—“Madam, that is too dear for me!”
Lady (pressing a kiss on the flowers):—“And now, sir?”
Gentleman (turning away):—“Now it is altogether beyond my means.”
“My lady, there is a gentleman down-stairs, who wishes to see you!”
“Did he not give you his name?”
“No; he said it was not necessary.”
“You do not know him?”
“No; he pinched my arms and cheeks.”
“Oh, that is my brother Gustave.”
Young Housewife:—“Why Nanny, how can you be so heartless as to throw those poor lobsters at once into boiling water? They ought to be put on in fresh water so they could get used to the heat by degrees!”
He:—“I am going to take a bottle of sea-water home with me as a souvenir from Norderney!”
She:—“But don’t fill it quite full, or it will burst on us when the tide comes in.”
“So that is why you are in the dumps, my dear; you want to go to Wiesbaden, and are ordered to Ems. Don’t be offended, but if ever I pay a yearly salary to my family physician, and should want to go to a certain watering place, I would see that he found the proper malady for it.”
Father:—“Karl, the stork brought you a little brother last night.”
Karl:—“I know it.”
Father:—“How’s that?”
Karl:—“I heard you say to the stork as he flew away, ‘Won’t you take an umbrella; it is raining very hard.’”
Lady:—“Were you not afraid to travel with your wife through the Abruzzen?”
Gentleman:—“Oh no! my mother-in-law always sat with the driver.”
“I assure you, my friend, my son is dead in love with that actress. He has told me repeatedly that he could not live without her.”
“Well, then let him marry her, and he will soon learn to!”
A farmer had worked all day in the field in storm and rain, and in the evening, came home very tired, and wet to the skin. At the door, his dear wife who had been in the house all day met him, and said: “Dear husband, it has been raining so hard that I could not fetch any water, and so was not able to cook a soup for you. Since you are so wet, fetch a couple of pails; you can’t get any wetter.”
There was no disputing this fact, so the man took the pails and went to the distant pump. When he returned to the house, his wife sat cozily by the fire; so he took one pail after the other, poured the water over his wife and said: “Now you are just as wet as I am, and you can fetch the water yourself. You can’t get any wetter.”
Sophie (to her elderly maiden aunt):—“Auntie, is not ‘to leave’ conjugated: I leave, I left, I have been left?”
Women are the pearls of creation, and, as such, expect to be set in gold.
Since the fair sex has been talking so much about women’s rights, there are fewer of the “right women” on earth.
When the suitor appears, the belle of seventeen asks: “Who is he?”—of twenty-five: “What is he?”—and after ten years more: “Where is he?”
“Beloved Anton! I waited in the rain for you to-day at the corner. I hope you have been ill. Shall come again to-morrow. Your true Anna.”
Wife:—“I don’t know what is the matter with our Clara; she does not wish to go to the balls; she is indifferent to dress; the theatre no longer gives her pleasure; and now she even refuses to go to a watering-place for the summer. The girl must love unhappily.”
Husband:—“Good gracious! how economical! Sarah, could not you love me unhappily for once?”
Admirer:—“It gives me the most exquisite pleasure to hear you say that you discover daily how much I am like your sainted husband. Might I ask in what I resemble him?”
Young widow:—“You have all his bad habits.”
Husband:—“You are lovely in this dress, that is true, but—the money!”
Wife:—“That does not count, when the object is to please you!”
Gentleman:—“But, ladies, this loud talking during the concert is abominable!”
Lady:—“I fully agree with you. One must actually scream, to make oneself understood.”
“You wish a New Testament, madam?”
“Yes, but, please, the very newest.”
Mother:—“My daughter does not please you?”
Gentleman:—“To tell the truth, I do not care for paintings.”
Mother:—“Pardon me, but did you ever see an angel, other than painted?”
Cook:—“Miss Helene, please, shall I put a pinch of paprika into the chicken-stew?”
Miss Helene (just back from boarding-school):—“Why, Anna, you do not have to beso economical here; put a good big tablespoonful into it.”
Lady:—“Do tell me, Professor, why we are called the fair sex?”
Professor:—“Well, I am sure I don’t know either.”
“... Oh, who dares to deny it! She knows how to chain the men! And yet—caprice of nature—she never can chain one man!”
Young Lady:—“Can I get a guide to write love-letters here?”
Clerk:—“For yourself?”
Young Lady (embarrassed):—“For myself?—oh, no! for—my—grandmother!”
A housemaid was ordered to go to a guest’s room to tell him that dinner was ready. She found him standing before the looking-glass, tooth-brush in hand, cleaning his teeth. Shegave her message, and on returning to her mistress, said, “The gentleman will come at once; he is just sharpening his teeth.”
A butter-dealer and a cheese-monger were to be godmothers at a christening. At church the latter pushed herself into the place of honor, next to the mother. But the butter-dealer stepped in front of her saying, “Butter comes before cheese.”
Young wife (fresh from boarding-school):—“Oh, Kathi, what are you doing? That fish does not need washing! Why he has been in water all his life.”
To a Banker. “Why do you let your daughter marry your cashier?”
“Precaution, my dear sir; if he ever runs away with the bank’s money, my daughter will, in all probability, get some of it.”
At a Ball. “May I ask for the first waltz?”
“Certainly—but please, Doctor, dance a little slower; I am still in mourning.”
Lady:—“But John, my guests drank only three bottles of champagne yesterday, and here are four missing.”
John:—“Did they drink only three? Well, I didn’t count them,—I don’t think it is nice to watch one’s guests.”
Intended Husband:—“You know, Bertha, I would go to the end of the world for you!”
Fiancée:—“Then, please, stay a few days longer with us.”
Intended Husband:—“Why, my dear Bertha, I should lose my return ticket!”
Doctor’s Wife:—“Why, my dear husband, what are you so dreadfully excited about?”
Doctor:—“Just think of it! By mistake I signed my name under the question, ‘Cause of death,’ in a death certificate!”
An Eskimo family was being exhibited at the zoölogical gardens. The young wife of an Army officer who had taken her there, asked them, “How do you like it in Berlin?” and as the Eskimos kept silent, not understanding her, the talkative little woman went on, “Don’t you think it’s nicer here, than in Eskimo?”
Lady:—“Dear Emilie, by whom is this magnificent piece, that is being played?”
Emilie:—“I think it is by ‘Da Capo,’ an Italian composer, who has written a great many pieces.”
Young Housewife (helping the cook prepare the menu for a dinner-party):—“As second course, we will have baked eel.”
Cook:—“How much shall I order, my lady?”
Young housewife:—“I think ten yards ought to be enough.”
“Say, papa, when I am a papa, I’ll make Liesel roast a goose for me, too; but I shall give my little boy some of it.”
First Day. Stormy weather; poor company.
Second Day. Captain very amiable; offers me his heart and hand. Refused.
Third Day. Captain renews his offer. Threatens to kill us both and to blow up the vessel with three hundred souls on board. Refused.
Fourth Day. Saved three hundred lives.
“The ladies lessen our sorrows, double our joys, and treble our expenses. Long may they live!”
“Auntie, do you like chocolates?”
“Oh yes, little one, I love them!”
“Ah! Then I had better ask grandmamma to take care of my box of bonbons.”
Husband:—“Just think, little wife, I saw the first asparagus in the garden. Would it give you pleasure to cut it yourself?”
Young Housewife (trying to hide her ignorance in this direction):—“I tell you what, Adolf; we’ll go together. You pick it off, while I hold the ladder.”
Servant:—“Will you please tell me, madam, where you buy your sausages?”
Mistress:—“On Humboldt Street.”
Servant:—“I am afraid I can’t remember that.”
Mistress:—“Just think of the Kosmos.”
Bride:—“What is the name of that beautiful star over there?”
Bridegroom:—“That is Venus.”
Bride:—“What does it mean?”
Bridegroom:—“The happiness of love!”
Wife:—“What is the name of that beautiful star over there?”
Husband:—“It’s the evening star; don’t know the name of it.”
Wife:—“Do you know what it means?”
Husband:—“That it is getting night.”
A flirt is a rose, of whom each plucks a leaf; the thorns remain for the future husband.
Gentleman:—“You were some time in Italy, Baroness; how did you like Rome?”
Baroness:—“Rome? Just wait a moment! (To her daughter.) Emma, was it not at Rome where we bought those poor gloves?”
Baroness (returning home):—“Maria, I cannot suffer you to take your sweetheart into the kitchen!”
Cook:—“Your ladyship is very kind, but my sweetheart would not go into the salon!”
Husband:—“I wish you would tell why you women are forever dressing up and have to have such a lot of new clothes all the time; do you think such extravagance pleases the men?”
Wife:—“Oh, we don’t care to please the men; we want to make the other women jealous!”
Little Fritz (to the cook):—“Anna, how do you spell ‘sauce’?”
Cook:—“Sauce? Well, you see, Fritz, there are so many different kinds of sauce!”
Gentleman:—“Mein Fräulein, do you like sauerkraut?”
Fräulein:—“Why, what a queer question to ask me!”
Gentleman:—“Well, you see, I love the little sausages that go with it, so if you liked sauerkraut, we should match beautifully.”
Professor:—“Well, dear Elise, after passing such a brilliant examination, I suppose you will settle down at once to practice law?”
Student:—“Oh, no, I am going to enter the government service; else my future husband would not receive a—pension.”
A little girl was heard holding the following monologue:
“Did God really make the whole world? I couldn’t do it. It must have been dreadfully hard. But I know one thing He didn’t make, this washrag of my doll’s; I knitted that myself, the dear Lord can’t knit.”
Little Carl had been scolded a good manytimes for dropping and breaking things. One day his mother happened to drop and break a cup. “Why, mother, now you are a naughty boy, too!” exclaimed the little one.
There is nothing like a jolly and good-natured uncle in a family. What fun the children have with him! Just now they are all hanging around him waiting for what is coming next.
“Now, young gentleman,” he says to the oldest, “I am going to give you a riddle. It is gray, has rather large ears, and you can ride on it; what is it?”
“Why uncle, that is you,” cries the youngest, joyfully.
Little Anna was ill in bed, and could not be induced to take her pill. Her clever mamma hid it in a preserved pear and gave her that. After a while she asked: “Well, my darling, have you eaten your pear?”
“Oh, yes, mamma,” answered the little one, “all but the pit.”
Elsie (who, with her mamma, is dining offa very tough chicken at a railway station):—“Mamma, don’t you think this chicken must have been hatched from a hard boiled egg?”
Lady:—“Has the Baron not been here yet to-day?”
Maid:—“Everything has been here once,” says Lessing, “but—the Baron has not been here yet.”
Monday:—“Aïda.” Starved with my lover in the prison cell.
Tuesday:—Sang “Gilda” in “Rigoletto.” Was murdered and dragged from the stage in a bag.
Wednesday:—In “Traviata” I sang “Violetta,” and coughed virtuos-tuberculos, my life away.
Thursday:—As “Selika” (in l’Africaine) died from the poisonous odor of the Manzanillen tree.
Friday:—Sang the “Jewess,” and as afinalewas thrown into a kettle of boiling oil.
Saturday:—As “Sulamithe” in the “Queen of Saba” was suffocated in the Simoom of the desert.
Sunday:—“Hamlet” and I as “Ophelia” drowned—under a storm of applause—in the brook. How beautiful it is, to be able to devote one’s art and one’s life to givepleasureto one’s fellow-men!
Count:—“Gracious lady, are you not dancing to-night?”
Lady:—“Not till after midnight, Count.”
Count:—“Why not until then?”
Lady:—“Because to-day is the anniversary of my husband’s death.”
Mother (coming home, meeting her children):—“Why, children, how you do look; where have you been?”
Walter:—“At the Major’s, across the street, mamma, and didn’t we have a great time playing!”
Elsa:—“And just think, mamma, Clara’s mother has no nerves at all!”
Fanny had succeeded in coaxing her mother to take her to hear “Lohengrin.” During theperformance she turns to her mother and says: “Why, mamma, how stupid of Elsa to ask Lohengrin his name, when all she had to do was to look at the program!”
“Ah, sir, if ever I should have grandchildren, I could not wish them a better father than yourself!”
“So sad to-day, Miss Alice?”
“Oh, yes; I am very unhappy!”
“May I ask why?”
“Papa told me just now, that we are going home to-morrow.”
“Am I perhaps the happy one, on whose account you are so very unhappy?”
“Is it true, mamma, that swans sing before they die?”
“Yes, my child! but come, stop feeding them or you will make them ill.”
“That is just what I want to do. I am going to feed them till they die. I do want to hear a swan-song, so much!”
“So you have but just returned from a trip to Paris! You visited the Louvre, I suppose?”
“Oh, certainly, was so delighted with it, that I went all over it!”
“And which one of the many magnificent pictures pleased you most, Baroness?”
“Pictures? I did not see any pictures; the velvet coats charmed me most!”
“Ah, then you were at the dry-goods store ‘Louvre’!”
“Why, where else did you think?”
Minister (who has a few boy boarders):—“So you have sunk so low, Fritz, as to steal my milk from the cellar! But who is it, from whom you can conceal nothing; who sees everything; before whom I myself am nothing but a grain of sand?”
Fritz (weeping):—“Your wife, sir!”
The mother, on leaving the room, warns her little daughter: “Don’t think of taking a pear from the basket when I am gone; you know, little one, that if I cannot see you, the dearLord can.” Mother gone, the little girl can’t resist the temptation, and looking up to heaven, she says, in a pleading voice: “Dear Lord, do please turn around!”
“Mamma, I know how things in this world are ordered,” said little Bertha, who had just administered a severe rebuke to her doll. “The doll must mind me; I must mind the nurse; the nurse must mind you; you must mind papa; papa must mind the Emperor; the Emperor must mind God; and God——” here she stopped, thought a moment, and then said decidedly—“and God must mind Bismarck.”
“The dear Lord must wear a very large hood, mamma!”
“Why so, child?”
“Because at school we always pray:
“‘Make us, dear Lord, pious and good,And take us all beneath Thy hood!’”
“‘Make us, dear Lord, pious and good,And take us all beneath Thy hood!’”
“‘Make us, dear Lord, pious and good,And take us all beneath Thy hood!’”
“‘Make us, dear Lord, pious and good,
And take us all beneath Thy hood!’”
A pretty little girl was often hurt by the way the neighbors and servants talked about her red hair. One day her grandmother tried to comforther, saying: “Dear child, God made your hair, and everything He does is well done.”
“Oh, but then I would rather He would not make anything more for me,” declared the little one.
Little Elsie was at a children’s party with her nurse. In the evening there were fireworks set off. When the first sky-rocket went up, the child began to cry bitterly, calling to her nurse in a voice full of fear, “They are shooting the dear Lord!”
Lieschen, on Christmas day with her new doll:—“See, Hannchen, what a beautiful new doll the Christ-child has brought me!”
Hannchen (with an old, but repaired doll):—“My mamma said that only the repair angel came to us this year.”
At the examination the children were to say the creed before the superintendent. It was practiced so that three children were each to say one article.
The first began: “I believe in God the Father——”
The superintendent skipped the second, and asked the third: “Go on, child!”
“I believe in the Holy Ghost!”
“No; I believe in Jesus Christ!”
“No I don’t believe in Him. He believes in Him,” said the boy, pointing towards his overlooked neighbor.