REGINALD. A moment ago, when I wanted to stay, you were allshoving me out of the house. Now that I want to go, you wont letme.MRS BRIDGENORTH. I shall send a note to Mr Hotchkiss not to come.LEO [weeping again] Oh, Alice! [She comes back to her chair,heartbroken].REGINALD [out of patience] Oh well, let her have her way. Let herhave her mushroom. Let him come. Let them all come.He crosses the kitchen to the oak chest and sits sulkily on it.Mrs Bridgenorth shrugs her shoulders and sits at the table inReginald's neighborhood listening in placid helplessness. Lesbia,out of patience with Leo's tears, goes into the garden and sitsthere near the door, snuffing up the open air in her relief fromthe domestic stuffness of Reginald's affairs.LEO. It's so cruel of you to go on pretending that I dont carefor you, Rejjy.REGINALD [bitterly] She explained to me that it was only that shehad exhausted my conversation.THE GENERAL [coming paternally to Leo] My dear girl: all theconversation in the world has been exhausted long ago. Heavenknows I have exhausted the conversation of the British Army thesethirty years; but I dont leave it on that account.LEO. It's not that Ive exhausted it; but he will keep onrepeating it when I want to read or go to sleep. And Sinjonamuses me. He's so clever.THE GENERAL [stung] Ha! The old complaint. You all want geniusesto marry. This demand for clever men is ridiculous. Somebody mustmarry the plain, honest, stupid fellows. Have you thought ofthat?LEO. But there are such lots of stupid women to marry. Why dothey want to marry us? Besides, Rejjy knows that I'm quite fondof him. I like him because he wants me; and I like Sinjon becauseI want him. I feel that I have a duty to Rejjy.THE GENERAL. Precisely: you have.LEO. And, of course, Sinjon has the same duty to me.THE GENERAL. Tut, tut!LEO. Oh, how silly the law is! Why cant I marry them both?THE GENERAL [shocked] Leo!LEO. Well, I love them both. I should like to marry a lot of men.I should like to have Rejjy for every day, and Sinjon forconcerts and theatres and going out in the evenings, and somegreat austere saint for about once a year at the end of theseason, and some perfectly blithering idiot of a boy to be quitewicked with. I so seldom feel wicked; and, when I do, it's such apity to waste it merely because it's too silly to confess to areal grown-up man.REGINALD. This is the kind of thing, you know [Helplessly] Well,there it is!THE GENERAL [decisively] Alice: this is a job for the Barmecide.He's a Bishop: it's his duty to talk to Leo. I can stand a gooddeal; but when it comes to flat polygamy and polyandry, we oughtto do something.MRS BRIDGENORTH [going to the study door] Do come here a moment,Alfred. We're in a difficulty.THE BISHOP [within] Ask Collins, I'm busy.MRS BRIDGENORTH. Collins wont do. It's something very serious. Docome just a moment, dear. [When she hears him coming she takes achair at the nearest end of the table].The Bishop comes out of his study. He is still a slim active man,spare of flesh, and younger by temperament than his brothers. Hehas a delicate skin, fine hands, a salient nose with chin tomatch, a short beard which accentuates his sharp chin bybristling forward, clever humorous eyes, not without a glint ofmischief in them, ready bright speech, and the ways of asuccessful man who is always interested in himself and generallyrather well pleased with himself. When Lesbia hears his voice sheturns her chair towards him, and presently rises and stands inthe doorway listening to the conversation.THE BISHOP [going to Leo] Good morning, my dear. Hullo! Youvebrought Reginald with you. Thats very nice of you. Have youreconciled them, Boxer?THE GENERAL. Reconciled them! Why, man, the whole divorce was aput-up job. She wants to marry some fellow named Hotchkiss.REGINALD. A fellow with a face like—LEO. You shant, Rejjy. He has a very fine face.MRS BRIDGENORTH. And now she says she wants to marry both ofthem, and a lot of other people as well.LEO. I didnt say I wanted to marry them: I only said I shouldlike to marry them.THE BISHOP. Quite a nice distinction, Leo.LEO. Just occasionally, you know.THE BISHOP [sitting down cosily beside her] Quite so. Sometimes apoet, sometimes a Bishop, sometimes a fairy prince, sometimessomebody quite indescribable, and sometimes nobody at all.LEO. Yes: thats just it. How did you know?THE BISHOP. Oh, I should say most imaginative and cultivatedyoung women feel like that. I wouldnt give a rap for one whodidnt. Shakespear pointed out long ago that a woman wanted aSunday husband as well as a weekday one. But, as usual, he didntfollow up the idea.THE GENERAL [aghast] Am I to understand—THE BISHOP [cutting him short] Now, Boxer, am I the Bishop or areyou?THE GENERAL [sulkily] You.THE BISHOP. Then dont ask me are you to understand. "Yours not toreason why: yours but to do and die"—THE GENERAL. Oh, very well: go on. I'm not clever. Only a sillysoldier man. Ha! Go on. [He throws himself into the railed chair,as one prepared for the worst].MRS BRIDGENORTH. Alfred: dont tease Boxer.THE BISHOP. If we are going to discuss ethical questions we mustbegin by giving the devil fair play. Boxer never does. Englandnever does. We always assume that the devil is guilty; and wewont allow him to prove his innocence, because it would beagainst public morals if he succeeded. We used to do the samewith prisoners accused of high treason. And the consequence isthat we overreach ourselves; and the devil gets the better of usafter all. Perhaps thats what most of us intend him to do.THE GENERAL. Alfred: we asked you here to preach to Leo. You arepreaching at me instead. I am not conscious of having said ordone anything that calls for that unsolicited attention.THE BISHOP. But poor little Leo has only told the simple truth;whilst you, Boxer, are striking moral attitudes.THE GENERAL. I suppose thats an epigram. I dont understandepigrams. I'm only a silly soldier man. Ha! But I can put a plainquestion. Is Leo to be encouraged to be a polygamist?THE BISHOP. Remember the British Empire, Boxer. Youre a BritishGeneral, you know.THE GENERAL. What has that to do with polygamy?THE BISHOP. Well, the great majority of our fellow-subjects arepolygamists. I cant as a British Bishop insult them by speakingdisrespectfully of polygamy. It's a very interesting question.Many very interesting men have been polygamists: Solomon,Mahomet, and our friend the Duke of—of—hm! I never can rememberhis name.THE GENERAL. It would become you better, Alfred, to send thatsilly girl back to her husband and her duty than to talk cleverand mock at your religion. "What God hath joined together let noman put asunder." Remember that.THE BISHOP. Dont be afraid, Boxer. What God hath joined togetherno man ever shall put asunder: God will take care of that. [ToLeo] By the way, who was it that joined you and Reginald, mydear?LEO. It was that awful little curate that afterwards drank, andtravelled first class with a third-class ticket, and then triedto go on the stage. But they wouldnt have him. He called himselfEgerton Fotheringay.THE BISHOP. Well, whom Egerton Fotheringay hath joined, let SirGorell Barnes put asunder by all means.THE GENERAL. I may be a silly soldier man; but I call thisblasphemy.THE BISHOP [gravely] Better for me to take the name of Mr EgertonFotheringay in earnest than for you to take a higher name invain.LESBIA. Cant you three brothers ever meet without quarrelling?THE BISHOP [mildly] This is not quarrelling, Lesbia: it's onlyEnglish family life. Good morning.LEO. You know, Bishop, it's very dear of you to take my part; butI'm not sure that I'm not a little shocked.THE BISHOP. Then I think Ive been a little more successful thanBoxer in getting you into a proper frame of mind.THE GENERAL [snorting] Ha!LEO. Not a bit; for now I'm going to shock you worse than ever.I think Solomon was an old beast.THE BISHOP. Precisely what you ought to think of him, my dear.Dont apologize.THE GENERAL [more shocked] Well, but hang it! Solomon was in theBible. And, after all, Solomon was Solomon.LEO. And I stick to it: I still want to have a lot of interestingmen to know quite intimately—to say everything I think of tothem, and have them say everything they think of to me.THE BISHOP. So you shall, my dear, if you are lucky. But you knowyou neednt marry them all. Think of all the buttons you wouldhave to sew on. Besides, nothing is more dreadful than a husbandwho keeps telling you everything he thinks, and always wants toknow what you think.LEO [struck by this] Well, thats very true of Rejjy: In fact,thats why I had to divorce him.THE BISHOP [condoling] Yes: he repeats himself dreadfully, doesnthe?REGINALD. Look here, Alfred. If I have my faults, let her findthem out for herself without your help.THE BISHOP. She has found them all out already, Reginald.LEO [a little huffily] After all, there are worse men thanReginald. I daresay he's not so clever as you; but still he's notsuch a fool as you seem to think him!THE BISHOP. Quite right, dear: stand up for your husband. I hopeyou will always stand up for all your husbands. [He rises andgoes to the hearth, where he stands complacently with his back tothe fireplace, beaming at them all as at a roomful of children].LEO. Please dont talk as if I wanted to marry a whole regiment.For me there can never be more than two. I shall never loveanybody but Rejjy and Sinjon.REGINALD. A man with a face like a—LEO. I wont have it, Rejjy. It's disgusting.THE BISHOP. You see, my dear, youll exhaust Sinjon's conversationtoo in a week or so. A man is like a phonograph with half-a-dozenrecords. You soon get tired of them all; and yet you have to sitat table whilst he reels them off to every new visitor. In theend you have to be content with his common humanity; and when youcome down to that, you find out about men what a great Englishpoet of my acquaintance used to say about women: that they alltaste alike. Marry whom you please: at the end of a month he'llbe Reginald over again. It wasnt worth changing: indeed it wasnt.LEO. Then it's a mistake to get married.THE BISHOP. It is, my dear; but it's a much bigger mistake not toget married.THE GENERAL [rising] Ha! You hear that, Lesbia? [He joins her atthe garden door].LESBIA. Thats only an epigram, Boxer.THE GENERAL. Sound sense, Lesbia. When a man talks rot, thatsepigram: when he talks sense, then I agree with him.REGINALD [coming off the oak chest and looking at his watch] It'sgetting late. Wheres Edith? Hasnt she got into her veil andorange blossoms yet?MRS BRIDGENORTH. Do go and hurry her, Lesbia.LESBIA [going out through the tower] Come with me, Leo.LEO [following Lesbia out] Yes, certainly.The Bishop goes over to his wife and sits down, taking her handand kissing it by way of beginning a conversation with her.THE BISHOP. Alice: Ive had another letter from the mysteriouslady who cant spell. I like that woman's letters. Theres anintensity of passion in them that fascinates me.MRS BRIDGENORTH. Do you mean Incognita Appassionata?THE BISHOP. Yes.THE GENERAL [turning abruptly; he has been looking out into thegarden] Do you mean to say that women write love-letters to you?THE BISHOP. Of course.THE GENERAL. They never do to me.THE BISHOP. The army doesnt attract women: the Church does.REGINALD. Do you consider it right to let them? They may bemarried women, you know.THE BISHOP. They always are. This one is. [To Mrs Bridgenorth]Dont you think her letters are quite the best love-letters I get?[To the two men] Poor Alice has to read my love-letters aloud tome at breakfast, when theyre worth it.MRS BRIDGENORTH. There really is something fascinating aboutIncognita. She never gives her address. Thats a good sign.THE GENERAL. Mf! No assignations, you mean?THE Bishop. Oh yes: she began the correspondence by making a verycurious but very natural assignation. She wants me to meet her inheaven. I hope I shall.THE GENERAL. Well, I must say I hope not, Alfred. I hope not.MRS BRIDGENORTH. She says she is happily married, and that loveis a necessary of life to her, but that she must have, high aboveall her lovers—THE BISHOP. She has several apparently—MRS BRIDGENORTH. —some great man who will never know her, nevertouch her, as she is on earth, but whom she can meet in Heavenwhen she has risen above all the everyday vulgarities of earthlylove.THE BISHOP [rising] Excellent. Very good for her; and no troubleto me. Everybody ought to have one of these idealizations, likeDante's Beatrice. [He clasps his hands behind him, and strolls tothe hearth and back, singing].Lesbia appears in the tower, rather perturbed.LESBIA. Alice: will you come upstairs? Edith is not dressed.MRS BRIDGENORTH [rising] Not dressed! Does she know what hour itis?LESBIA. She has locked herself into her room, reading.The Bishop's song ceases; he stops dead in his stroll.THE GENERAL. Reading!THE BISHOP. What is she reading?LESBIA. Some pamphlet that came by the eleven o'clock post. Shewont come out. She wont open the door. And she says she doesntknow whether she's going to be married or not till she's finishedthe pamphlet. Did you ever hear such a thing? Do come and speakto her.MRS BRIDGENORTH. Alfred: you had better go.THE BISHOP. Try Collins.LESBIA. Weve tried Collins already. He got all that Ive told youout of her through the keyhole. Come, Alice. [She vanishes. MrsBridgenorth hurries after her].THE BISHOP. This means a delay. I shall go back to my work [hemakes for the study door].REGINALD. What are you working at now?THE BISHOP [stopping] A chapter in my history of marriage. I'mjust at the Roman business, you know.THE GENERAL [coming from the garden door to the chair MrsBridgenorth has just left, and sitting down] Not more Ritualism,I hope, Alfred?THE BISHOP. Oh no. I mean ancient Rome. [He seats himself on theedge of the table]. Ive just come to the period when thepropertied classes refused to get married and went in formarriage settlements instead. A few of the oldest families stuckto the marriage tradition so as to keep up the supply of vestalvirgins, who had to be legitimate; but nobody else dreamt ofgetting married. It's all very interesting, because we're comingto that here in England; except that as we dont require anyvestal virgins, nobody will get married at all, except the poor,perhaps.THE GENERAL. You take it devilishly coolly. Reginald: do youthink the Barmecide's quite sane?REGINALD. No worse than ever he was.THE GENERAL [to the Bishop] Do you mean to say you believe such athing will ever happen in England as that respectable people willgive up being married?THE BISHOP. In England especially they will. In other countriesthe introduction of reasonable divorce laws will save thesituation; but in England we always let an institution strainitself until it breaks. Ive told our last four Prime Ministersthat if they didnt make our marriage laws reasonable there wouldbe a strike against marriage, and that it would begin among thepropertied classes, where no Government would dare to interferewith it.REGINALD. What did they say to that?THE BISHOP. The usual thing. Quite agreed with me, but were surethat they were the only sensible men in the world, and that theleast hint of marriage reform would lose them the next election.And then lost it all the same: on cordite, on drink, on Chineselabor in South Africa, on all sorts of trumpery.REGINALD [lurching across the kitchen towards the hearth with hishands in his pockets] It's no use: they wont listen to our sort.[Turning on them] Of course they have to make you a Bishop andBoxer a General, because, after all, their blessed rabble ofsnobs and cads and half-starved shopkeepers cant do governmentwork; and the bounders and week-enders are too lazy and vulgar.Theyd simply rot without us; but what do they ever do for us?what attention do they ever pay to what we say and what we want?I take it that we Bridgenorths are a pretty typical Englishfamily of the sort that has always set things straight and stuckup for the right to think and believe according to ourconscience. But nowadays we are expected to dress and eat as theweek-end bounders do, and to think and believe as the convertedcannibals of Central Africa do, and to lie down and let everysnob and every cad and every halfpenny journalist walk over us.Why, theres not a newspaper in England today that represents whatI call solid Bridgenorth opinion and tradition. Half of them readas if they were published at the nearest mother's meeting, andthe other half at the nearest motor garage. Do you call thesechaps gentlemen? Do you call them Englishmen? I dont.[He throwshimself disgustedly into the nearest chair].THE GENERAL [excited by Reginald's eloquence] Do you see myuniform? What did Collins say? It strikes the eye. It was meantto. I put it on expressly to give the modern army bounder a smackin the eye. Somebody has to set a right example by beginning.Well, let it be a Bridgenorth. I believe in family blood andtradition, by George.THE BISHOP [musing] I wonder who will begin the stand againstmarriage. It must come some day. I was married myself before I'dthought about it; and even if I had thought about it I was toomuch in love with Alice to let anything stand in the way. But,you know, Ive seen one of our daughters after another—Ethel,Jane, Fanny, and Christina and Florence—go out at that door intheir veils and orange blossoms; and Ive always wondered whethertheyd have gone quietly if theyd known what they were doing. Ivea horrible misgiving about that pamphlet. All progress means warwith Society. Heaven forbid that Edith should be one of thecombatants!St John Hotchkiss comes into the tower ushered by Collins. He isa very smart young gentleman of twenty-nine or thereabouts,correct in dress to the last thread of his collar, but too muchpreoccupied with his ideas to be embarrassed by any concern as tohis appearance. He talks about himself with energetic gaiety. Hetalks to other people with a sweet forbearance (implying a kindlyconsideration for their stupidity) which infuriates those whom hedoes not succeed in amusing. They either lose their tempers withhim or try in vain to snub him.COLLINS [announcing] Mr Hotchkiss. [He withdraws].HOTCHKISS [clapping Reginald gaily on the shoulder as he passeshim] Tootle loo, Rejjy.REGINALD [curtly, without rising or turning his head] Morning.HOTCHKISS. Good morning, Bishop.THE BISHOP [coming off the table]. What on earth are you doinghere, Sinjon? You belong to the bridegroom's party: youve nobusiness here until after the ceremony.HOTCHKISS. Yes, I know: thats just it. May I have a word with youin private? Rejjy or any of the family wont matter; but—[heglances at the General, who has risen rather stiffly, as hestrongly disapproves of the part played by Hotchkiss inReginald's domestic affairs].THE BISHOP. All right, Sinjon. This is our brother, GeneralBridgenorth. [He goes to the hearth and posts himself there, withhis hands clasped behind him].HOTCHKISS. Oh, good! [He turns to the General, and takes out acard-case]. As you are in the service, allow me to introducemyself. Read my card, please. [He presents his card to theastonished General].THE GENERAL [reading] "Mr St John Hotchkiss, the CelebratedCoward, late Lieutenant in the 165th Fusiliers."REGINALD [with a chuckle] He was sent back from South Africabecause he funked an order to attack, and spoiled his commandingofficer's plan.THE GENERAL [very gravely] I remember the case now. I hadforgotten the name. I'll not refuse your acquaintance, MrHotchkiss; partly because youre my brother's guest, and partlybecause Ive seen too much active service not to know that everyman's nerve plays him false at one time or another, and that somevery honorable men should never go into action at all, becausetheyre not built that way. But if I were you I should not usethat visiting card. No doubt it's an honorable trait in yourcharacter that you dont wish any man to give you his hand inignorance of your disgrace; but you had better allow us toforget. We wish to forget. It isnt your disgrace alone: it's adisgrace to the army and to all of us. Pardon my plain speaking.HOTCHKISS [sunnily] My dear General, I dont know what fear meansin the military sense of the word. Ive fought seven duels withthe sabre in Italy and Austria, and one with pistols in France,without turning a hair. There was no other way in which I couldvindicate my motives in refusing to make that attack atSmutsfontein. I dont pretend to be a brave man. I'm afraid ofwasps. I'm afraid of cats. In spite of the voice of reason, I'mafraid of ghosts; and twice Ive fled across Europe from falsealarms of cholera. But afraid to fight I am not. [He turns gailyto Reginald and slaps him on the shoulder]. Eh, Rejjy? [Reginaldgrunts].THE GENERAL. Then why did you not do your duty at Smutsfontein?HOTCHKISS. I did my duty—my higher duty. If I had made thatattack, my commanding officer's plan would have been successful,and he would have been promoted. Now I happen to think that theBritish Army should be commanded by gentlemen, and by gentlemenalone. This man was not a gentleman. I sacrificed my militarycareer—I faced disgrace and social ostracism rather than givethat man his chance.THE GENERAL [generously indignant] Your commanding officer, sir,was my friend Major Billiter.HOTCHKISS. Precisely. What a name!THE GENERAL. And pray, sir, on what ground do you dare allegethat Major Billiter is not a gentleman?HOTCHKISS. By an infallible sign: one of those trifles that stampa man. He eats rice pudding with a spoon.THE GENERAL [very angry] Confound you,Ieat rice pudding witha spoon. Now!HOTCHKISS. Oh, so do I, frequently. But there are ways of doingthese things. Billiter's way was unmistakable.THE GENERAL. Well, I'll tell you something now. When I thoughtyou were only a coward, I pitied you, and would have done what Icould to help you back to your place in Society—HOTCHKISS [interrupting him] Thank you: I havnt lost it. Mymotives have been fully appreciated. I was made an honorarymember of two of the smartest clubs in London when the truth cameout.THE GENERAL. Well, sir, those clubs consist of snobs; and you area jumping, bounding, prancing, snorting snob yourself.THE BISHOP [amused, but hospitably remonstrant] My dear Boxer!HOTCHKISS [delighted] How kind of you to say so, General! Yourequite right: I am a snob. Why not? The whole strength of Englandlies in the fact that the enormous majority of the English peopleare snobs. They insult poverty. They despise vulgarity. They lovenobility. They admire exclusiveness. They will not obey a manrisen from the ranks. They never trust one of their own class. Iagree with them. I share their instincts. In my undergraduatedays I was a Republican-a Socialist. I tried hard to feel towarda common man as I do towards a duke. I couldnt. Neither can you.Well, why should we be ashamed of this aspiration towards what isabove us? Why dont I say that an honest man's the noblest work ofGod? Because I dont think so. If he's not a gentleman, I dontcare whether he's honest or not: I shouldnt let his son marry mydaughter. And thats the test, mind. Thats the test. You feel as Ido. You are a snob in fact: I am a snob, not only in fact, but onprinciple. I shall go down in history, not as the first snob, butas the first avowed champion of English snobbery, and its firstmartyr in the army. The navy boasts two such martyrs in CaptainsKirby and Wade, who were shot for refusing to fight under AdmiralBenbow, a promoted cabin boy. I have always envied them theirglory.THE GENERAL. As a British General, Sir, I have to inform you thatif any officer under my command violated the sacred equality ofour profession by putting a single jot of his duty or his risk onthe shoulders of the humblest drummer boy, I'd shoot him with myown hand.HOTCHKISS. That sentiment is not your equality, General, but yoursuperiority. Ask the Bishop. [He seats himself on the edge of thetable].THE BISHOP. I cant support you, Sinjon. My profession alsocompels me to turn my back on snobbery. You see, I have to dosuch a terribly democratic thing to every child that is broughtto me. Without distinction of class I have to confer on it a rankso high and awful that all the grades in Debrett and Burke seemlike the medals they give children in Infant Schools incomparison. I'm not allowed to make any class distinction. Theyare all soldiers and servants, not officers and masters.HOTCHKISS. Ah, youre quoting the Baptism service. Thats not a bitreal, you know. If I may say so, you would both feel so much moreat peace with yourselves if you would acknowledge and confessyour real convictions. You know you dont really think a Bishopthe equal of a curate, or a lieutenant in a line regiment theequal of a general.THE BISHOP. Of course I do. I was a curate myself.THE GENERAL. And I was a lieutenant in a line regiment.REGINALD. And I was nothing. But we're all our own and oneanother's equals, arnt we? So perhaps when youve quite donetalking about yourselves, we shall get to whatever businessSinjon came about.HOTCHKISS [coming off the table hastily] my dear fellow. I beg athousand pardons. Oh! true, It's about the wedding?THE GENERAL. What about the wedding?HOTCHKISS. Well, we cant get our man up to the scratch. Cecil haslocked himself in his room and wont see or speak to any one. Iwent up to his room and banged at the door. I told him I shouldlook through the keyhole if he didnt answer. I looked through thekeyhole. He was sitting on his bed, reading a book. [Reginaldrises in consternation. The General recoils]. I told him not tobe an ass, and so forth. He said he was not going to budge untilhe had finished the book. I asked him did he know what time itwas, and whether he happened to recollect that he had a ratherimportant appointment to marry Edith. He said the sooner Istopped interrupting him, the sooner he'd be ready. Then hestuffed his fingers in his ears; turned over on his elbows; andburied himself in his beastly book. I couldnt get another wordout of him; so I thought I'd better come here and warn you.REGINALD. This looks to me like theyve arranged it between them.THE BISHOP. No. Edith has no sense of humor. And Ive never seen aman in a jocular mood on his wedding morning.Collins appears in the tower, ushering in the bridegroom, a younggentleman with good looks of the serious kind, somewhat carewornby an exacting conscience, and just now distracted by insolubleproblems of conduct.COLLINS [announcing] Mr Cecil Sykes. [He retires].HOTCHKISS. Look here, Cecil: this is all wrong. Youve no businesshere until after the wedding. Hang it, man! youre the bridegroom.SYKES [coming to the Bishop, and addressing him with doggeddesperation] Ive come here to say this. When I proposed to EdithI was in utter ignorance of what I was letting myself in forlegally. Having given my word, I will stand to it. You have me atyour mercy: marry me if you insist. But take notice that Iprotest. [He sits down distractedly in the railed chair].THE GENERAL {both } What the devil do you mean by{highly } This? What the—REGINALD {incensed} Confound your impertinence,what do you—HOTCHKISS { } Easy, Rejjy. Easy, old man. Steady, steady.{ } [Reginald subsides into his chair. Hotchkiss{ } sits on his right, appeasing him.]THE BISHOP { } No, please, Rej. Control yourself, Boxer, Ibeg you.THE GENERAL. I tell you I cant control myself. Ive beencontrolling myself for the last half-hour until I feel likebursting. [He sits down furiously at the end of the table nextthe study].SYKES [pointing to the simmering Reginald and the boilingGeneral] Thats just it, Bishop. Edith is her uncle's niece. Shecant control herself any more than they can. And she's a Bishop'sdaughter. That means that she's engaged in social work of allsorts: organizing shop assistants and sweated work girls and allthat. When her blood boils about it (and it boils at least once aweek) she doesnt care what she says.REGINALD. Well: you knew that when you proposed to her.SYKES. Yes; but I didnt know that when we were married I shouldbe legally responsible if she libelled anybody, though all herproperty is protected against me as if I were the lowest thiefand cadger. This morning somebody sent me Belfort Bax's essays onMen's Wrongs; and they have been a perfect eye-opener to me.Bishop: I'm not thinking of myself: I would face anything forEdith. But my mother and sisters are wholly dependent on myproperty. I'd rather have to cut off an inch from my right armthan a hundred a year from my mother's income. I owe everythingto her care of me. Edith, in dressing-jacket and petticoat, comesin through the tower, swiftly and determinedly, pamphlet in hand,principles up in arms, more of a bishop than her father, yet asmuch a gentlewoman as her mother. She is the typical spoilt childof a clerical household: almost as terrible a product as thetypical spoilt child of a Bohemian household: that is, all herchildish affectations of conscientious scruple and religiousimpulse have been applauded and deferred to until she has becomean ethical snob of the first water. Her father's sense of humorand her mother's placid balance have done something to save herhumanity; but her impetuous temper and energetic will,unrestrained by any touch of humor or scepticism, carryeverything before them. Imperious and dogmatic, she takes commandof the party at once.EDITH [standing behind Cecil's chair] Cecil: I heard your voice.I must speak to you very particularly. Papa: go away. Go awayeverybody.THE BISHOP [crossing to the study door] I think there can be nodoubt that Edith wishes us to retire. Come. [He stands in thedoorway, waiting for them to follow].SYKES. Thats it, you see. It's just this outspokenness that makesmy position hard, much as I admire her for it.EDITH. Do you want me to flatter and be untruthful?SYKES. No, not exactly that.EDITH. Does anybody want me to flatter and be untruthful?HOTCHKISS. Well, since you ask me, I do. Surely it's the veryfirst qualification for tolerable social intercourse.THE GENERAL [markedly] I hope you will always tell ME the truth,my darling, at all events.EDITH [complacently coming to the fireplace] You can depend on mefor that, Uncle Boxer.HOTCHKISS. Are you sure you have any adequate idea of what thetruth about a military man really is?REGINALD [aggressively] Whats the truth about you, I wonder?HOTCHKISS. Oh, quite unfit for publication in its entirety. IfMiss Bridgenorth begins telling it, I shall have to leave theroom.REGINALD. I'm not at all surprised to hear it. [Rising] But whatsit got to do with our business here to-day? Is it you thats goingto be married or is it Edith?HOTCHKISS. I'm so sorry, I get so interested in myself that Ithrust myself into the front of every discussion in the mostinsufferable way. [Reginald, with an exclamation of disgust,crosses the kitchen towards the study door]. But, my dearRejjy, are you quite sure that Miss Bridgenorth is going to bemarried? Are you, Miss Bridgenorth?Before Edith has time to answer her mother returns with Leo andLesbia.LEO. Yes, here she is, of course. I told you I heard her dashdownstairs. [She comes to the end of the table next thefireplace].MRS BRIDGENORTH [transfixed in the middle of the kitchen] AndCecil!!LESBIA. And Sinjon!THE BISHOP. Edith wishes to speak to Cecil. [Mrs Bridgenorthcomes to him. Lesbia goes into the garden, as before]. Let us gointo my study.LEO. But she must come and dress. Look at the hour!MRS BRIDGENORTH. Come, Leo dear. [Leo follows her reluctantly.They are about to go into the study with the Bishop].HOTCHKISS. Do you know, Miss Bridgenorth, I should most awfullylike to hear what you have to say to poor Cecil.REGINALD [scandalized] Well!EDITH. Who is poor Cecil, pray?HOTCHKISS. One always calls a man that on his wedding morning: Idont know why. I'm his best man, you know. Dont you think itgives me a certain right to be present in Cecil's interest?THE GENERAL [gravely] There is such a thing as delicacy, MrHotchkiss.HOTCHKISS. There is such a thing as curiosity, General.THE GENERAL [furious] Delicacy is thrown away here, Alfred.Edith: you had better take Sykes into the study.The group at the study door breaks up. The General flings himselfinto the last chair on the long side of the table, near thegarden door. Leo sits at the end, next him, and Mrs Bridgenorthnext Leo. Reginald returns to the oak chest, to be near Leo; andthe Bishop goes to his wife and stands by her.HOTCHKISS [to Edith] Of course I'll go if you wish me to. ButCecil's objection to go through with it was so entirely on publicgrounds—EDITH [with quick suspicion] His objection?SYKES. Sinjon: you have no right to say that. I expressly saidthat I'm ready to go through with it.EDITH. Cecil: do you mean to say that you have been raisingdifficulties about our marriage?SYKES. I raise no difficulty. But I do beg you to be careful whatyou say about people. You must remember, my dear, that when weare married I shall be responsible for everything you say. Onlylast week you said on a public platform that Slattox and Chinnerywere scoundrels. They could have got a thousand pounds damagesapiece from me for that if we'd been married at the time.EDITH [austerely] I never said anything of the sort. I neverstoop to mere vituperation: what would my girls say of me if Idid? I chose my words most carefully. I said they were tyrants,liars, and thieves; and so they are. Slattox is even worse.HOTCHKISS. I'm afraid that would be at least five thousandpounds.SYKES. If it were only myself, I shouldnt care. But my mother andsisters! Ive no right to sacrifice them.EDITH. You neednt be alarmed. I'm not going to be married.ALL THE REST. Not!SYKES [in consternation] Edith! Are you throwing me over?EDITH. How can I? you have been beforehand with me.SYKES. On my honor, no. All I said was that I didnt know the lawwhen I asked you to be my wife.EDITH. And you wouldnt have asked me if you had. Is that it?SYKES. No. I should have asked you for my sake be a little morecareful—not to ruin me uselessly.EDITH. You think the truth useless?HOTCHKISS. Much worse than useless, I assure you. Frequently mostmischievous.EDITH. Sinjon: hold your tongue. You are a chatterbox and a fool!MRS BRIDGENORTH } [shocked] { Edith!THE BISHOP } { My love!HOTCHKISS [mildly] I shall not take an action, Cecil.EDITH [to Hotchkiss] Sorry; but you are old enough to knowbetter. [To the others] And now since there is to be no wedding,we had better get back to our work. Mamma: will you tell Collinsto cut up the wedding cake into thirty-three pieces for the clubgirls? My not being married is no reason why they should bedisappointed. [She turns to go].HOTCHKISS [gallantly] If youll allow me to take Cecil's place,Miss Bridgenorth—LEO. Sinjon!HOTCHKISS. Oh, I forgot. I beg your pardon. [To Edith,apologetically] A prior engagement.EDITH. What! You and Leo! I thought so. Well, hadnt you twobetter get married at once? I dont approve of long engagements.The breakfast's ready: the cake's ready: everything's ready. I'lllend Leo my veil and things.THE BISHOP. I'm afraid they must wait until the decree is madeabsolute, my dear. And the license is not transferable.EDITH. Oh well, it cant be helped. Is there anything else beforeI go off to the Club?SYKES. You dont seem much disappointed, Edith. I cant help sayingthat much.EDITH. And you cant help looking enormously relieved, Cecil. Weshant be any worse friends, shall we?SYKES [distractedly] Of course not. Still—I'm perfectly ready—at least—if it were not for my mother—Oh, I dont know what todo. Ive been so fond of you; and when the worry of the weddingwas over I should have been so fond of you again—EDITH [petting him] Come, come! dont make a scene, dear. Yourequite right. I dont think a woman doing public work ought to getmarried unless her husband feels about it as she does. I dontblame you at all for throwing me over.REGINALD [bouncing off the chest, and passing behind the Generalto the other end of the table] No: dash it! I'm not going tostand this. Why is the man always to be put in the wrong? Behonest, Edith. Why werent you dressed? Were you going to throwhim over? If you were, take your fair share of the blame; anddont put it all on him.HOTCHKISS [sweetly] Would it not be better—REGINALD [violently] Now look here, Hotchkiss. Who asked you tocut in? Is your name Edith? Am I your uncle?HOTCHKISS. I wish you were: I should like to have an uncle,Reginald.REGINALD. Yah! Sykes: are you ready to marry Edith or are younot?SYKES. Ive already said that I'm quite ready. A promise is apromise.REGINALD. We dont want to know whether a promise is a promise ornot. Cant you answer yes or no without spoiling it and settingHotchkiss here grinning like a Cheshire cat? If she puts on herveil and goes to Church, will you marry her?SYKES. Certainly. Yes.REGINALD. Thats all right. Now, Edie, put on your veil and offwith you to the church. The bridegroom's waiting. [He sits downat the table].EDITH. Is it understood that Slattox and Chinnery are liars andthieves, and that I hope by next Wednesday to have in my handsconclusive evidence that Slattox is something much worse?SYKES. I made no conditions as to that when I proposed to you;and now I cant go back. I hope Providence will spare my poormother. I say again I'm ready to marry you.EDITH. Then I think you shew great weakness of character; andinstead of taking advantage of it I shall set you a betterexample. I want to know is this true. [She produces a pamphletand takes it to the Bishop; then sits down between Hotchkiss andher mother].THE BISHOP [reading the title] Do YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING TODO? BY A WOMAN WHO HAS DONE IT. May I ask, my dear, what she did?EDITH. She got married. When she had three children—the eldestonly four years old—her husband committed a murder, and thenattempted to commit suicide, but only succeeded in disfiguringhimself. Instead of hanging him, they sent him to penal servitudefor life, for the sake, they said, of his wife and infantchildren. And she could not get a divorce from that horriblemurderer. They would not even keep him imprisoned for life. Fortwenty years she had to live singly, bringing up her children byher own work, and knowing that just when they were grown up andbeginning life, this dreadful creature would be let out todisgrace them all, and prevent the two girls getting decentlymarried, and drive the son out of the country perhaps. Is thatreally the law? Am I to understand that if Cecil commits a mur-der, or forges, or steals, or becomes an atheist, I cant getdivorced from him?THE BISHOP. Yes, my dear. That is so. You must take him forbetter for worse.EDITH. Then I most certainly refuse to enter into any such wickedcontract. What sort of servants? what sort of friends? what sortof Prime Ministers should we have if we took them for better forworse for all their lives? We should simply encourage them inevery sort of wickedness. Surely my husband's conduct is of moreimportance to me than Mr Balfour's or Mr Asquith's. If I hadknown the law I would never have consented. I dont believe anywoman would if she realized what she was doing.SYKES. But I'm not going to commit murder.EDITH. How do you know? Ive sometimes wanted to murder Slattox.Have you never wanted to murder somebody, Uncle Rejjy?REGINALD [at Hotchkiss, with intense expression] Yes.LEO. Rejjy!REGINALD. I said yes; and I mean yes. There was one night,Hotchkiss, when I jolly near shot you and Leo and finished upwith myself; and thats the truth.LEO [suddenly whimpering] Oh Rejjy [she runs to him and kisseshim].REGINALD [wrathfully] Be off. [She returns weeping to her seat].MRS BRIDGENORTH [petting Leo, but speaking to the company atlarge] But isnt all this great nonsense? What likelihood is thereof any of us committing a crime?HOTCHKISS. Oh yes, I assure you. I went into the matter once verycarefully; and I found things I have actually done—things thateverybody does, I imagine—would expose me, if I were found outand prosecuted, to ten years' penal servitude, two years hardlabor, and the loss of all civil rights. Not counting that I'm aprivate trustee, and, like all private trustees, a fraudulentone. Otherwise, the widow for whom I am trustee would starveoccasionally, and the children get no education. And I'm probablyas honest a man as any here.THE GENERAL [outraged] Do you imply that I have been guilty ofconduct that would expose me to penal servitude?HOTCHKISS. I should think it quite likely, but of course I dontknow.MRS BRIDGENORTH. But bless me! marriage is not a question of law,is it? Have you children no affection for one another? Surelythats enough?HOTCHKISS. If it's enough, why get married?MRS BRIDGENORTH. Stuff, Sinjon! Of course people must getmarried. [Uneasily] Alfred: why dont you say something? Surelyyoure not going to let this go on.THE GENERAL. Ive been waiting for the last twenty minutes,Alfred, in amazement! in stupefaction! to hear you put a stop toall this. We look to you: it's your place, your office, yourduty. Exert your authority at once.THE BISHOP. You must give the devil fair play, Boxer. Until youhave heard and weighed his case you have no right to condemn him.I'm sorry you have been kept waiting twenty minutes; but I myselfhave waited twenty years for this to happen. Ive often wrestledwith the temptation to pray that it might not happen in my ownhousehold. Perhaps it was a presentiment that it might become apart of our old Bridgenorth burden that made me warn ourGovernments so earnestly that unless the law of marriage werefirst made human, it could never become divine.MRS BRIDGENORTH. Oh, do be sensible about this. People must getmarried. What would you have said if Cecil's parents had not beenmarried?THE BISHOP. They were not, my dear.HOTCHKISS } { Hallo!REGINALD } { What d'ye mean?THE GENERAL } { Eh?LEO } { Not married!MRS. BRIDGENORTH } { What?SYKES [rising in amazement] What on earth do you mean, Bishop? Myparents were married.HOTCHKISS. You cant remember, Cecil.SYKES. Well, I never asked my mother to shew me her marriagelines, if thats what you mean. What man ever has? I neversuspected—I never knew—Are you joking? Or have we all gone mad?THE BISHOP. Dont be alarmed, Cecil. Let me explain. Your parentswere not Anglicans. You were not, I think, Anglican yourself,until your second year at Oxford. They were Positivists. Theywent through the Positivist ceremony at Newton Hall in FetterLane after entering into the civil contract before the Registrarof the West Strand District. I ask you, as an Anglican Catholic,was that a marriage?SYKES [overwhelmed] Great Heavens, no! a thousand times, no. Inever thought of that. I'm a child of sin. [He collapses into therailed chair].THE BISHOP. Oh, come, come! You are no more a child of sin thanany Jew, or Mohammedan, or Nonconformist, or anyone else bornoutside the Church. But you see how it affects my view of thesituation. To me there is only one marriage that is holy: theChurch's sacrament of marriage. Outside that, I can recognize nodistinction between one civil contract and another. There was atime when all marriages were made in Heaven. But because theChurch was unwise and would not make its ordinances reasonable,its power over men and women was taken away from it; andmarriages gave place to contracts at a registry office. And nowthat our Governments refuse to make these contracts reasonable,those whom we in our blindness drove out of the Church will bedriven out of the registry office; and we shall have the historyof Ancient Rome repeated. We shall be joined by our solicitorsfor seven, fourteen, or twenty-one years—or perhaps months.Deeds of partnership will replace the old vows.THE GENERAL. Would you, a Bishop, approve of such partnerships?THE BISHOP. Do you think that I, a Bishop, approve of theDeceased Wife's Sister Act? That did not prevent its becominglaw.THE GENERAL. But when the Government sounded you as to whetheryoud marry a man to his deceased wife's sister you very naturallyand properly told them youd see them damned first.THE BISHOP [horrified] No, no, really, Boxer! You must not—THE GENERAL [impatiently] Oh, of course I dont mean that you usedthose words. But that was the meaning and the spirit of it.THE BISHOP. Not the spirit, Boxer, I protest. But never mindthat. The point is that State marriage is already divorced fromChurch marriage. The relations between Leo and Rejjy and Sinjonare perfectly legal; but do you expect me, as a Bishop, toapprove of them?THE GENERAL. I dont defend Reginald. He should have kicked youout of the house, Mr. Hotchkiss.REGINALD [rising] How could I kick him out of the house? He'sstronger than me: he could have kicked me out if it came to that.He did kick me out: what else was it but kicking out, to take mywife's affections from me and establish himself in my place? [Hecomes to the hearth].HOTCHKISS. I protest, Reginald, I said all that a man could toprevent the smash.REGINALD. Oh, I know you did: I dont blame you: people dont dothese things to one another: they happen and they cant be helped.What was I to do? I was old: she was young. I was dull: he wasbrilliant. I had a face like a walnut: he had a face like amushroom. I was as glad to have him in the house as she was: heamused me. And we were a couple of fools: he gave us good advice—told us what to do when we didnt know. She found out that Iwasnt any use to her and he was; so she nabbed him and gave methe chuck.LEO. If you dont stop talking in that disgraceful way about ourmarried life, I'll leave the room and never speak to you again.REGINALD. Youre not going to speak to me again, anyhow, are you?Do you suppose I'm going to visit you when you marry him?HOTCHKISS. I hope so. Surely youre not going to be vindictive,Rejjy. Besides, youll have all the advantages I formerly enjoyed.Youll be the visitor, the relief, the new face, the fresh news,the hopeless attachment: I shall only be the husband.REGINALD [savagely] Will you tell me this, any of you? how is itthat we always get talking about Hotchkiss when our business isabout Edith? [He fumes up the kitchen to the tower and back tohis chair].MRS BRIDGENORTH. Will somebody tell me how the world is to go onif nobody is to get married?SYKES. Will somebody tell me what an honorable man and a sincereAnglican is to propose to a woman whom he loves and who loves himand wont marry him?LEO. Will somebody tell me how I'm to arrange to take care ofRejjy when I'm married to Sinjon. Rejjy must not be allowed tomarry anyone else, especially that odious nasty creature thattold all those wicked lies about him in Court.HOTCHKISS. Let us draw up the first English partnership deed.LEO. For shame, Sinjon!THE BISHOP. Somebody must begin, my dear. Ive a very strongsuspicion that when it is drawn up it will be so much worse thanthe existing law that you will all prefer getting married. Weshall therefore be doing the greatest possible service tomorality by just trying how the new system would work.LESBIA [suddenly reminding them of her forgotten presence as shestands thoughtfully in the garden doorway] Ive been thinking.THE BISHOP [to Hotchkiss] Nothing like making people think: isthere, Sinjon?LESBIA [coming to the table, on the General's left] A woman hasno right to refuse motherhood. That is clear, after thestatistics given in The Times by Mr Sidney Webb.THE GENERAL. Mr Webb has nothing to do with it. It is the Voiceof Nature.LESBIA. But if she is an English lady it is her right and herduty to stand out for honorable conditions. If we can agree on