the conditions, I am willing to enter into an alliance withBoxer.The General staggers to his feet, momentarily stupent andspeechless.EDITH [rising] And I with Cecil.LEO [rising] And I with Rejjy and St John.THE GENERAL [aghast] An alliance! Do you mean a—a—a—REGINALD. She only means bigamy, as I understand her.THE GENERAL. Alfred: how long more are you going to stand thereand countenance this lunacy? Is it a horrible dream or am Iawake? In the name of common sense and sanity, let us go back toreal life—Collins comes in through the tower, in alderman's robes. Theladies who are standing sit down hastily, and look as unconcernedas possible.COLLINS. Sorry to hurry you, my lord; but the Church has beenfull this hour past; and the organist has played all the weddingmusic in Lohengrin three times over.THE GENERAL. The very man we want. Alfred: I'm not equal to thiscrisis. You are not equal to it. The Army has failed. The Churchhas failed. I shall put aside all idle social distinctions andappeal to the Municipality.MRS BRIDGENORTH. Do, Boxer. He is sure to get us out of thisdifficulty.Collins, a little puzzled, comes forward affably to Hotchkiss'sleft.HOTCHKISS [rising, impressed by the aldermanic gown] Ive not hadthe pleasure. Will you introduce me?COLLINS [confidentially] All right, sir. Only the greengrocer,sir, in charge of the wedding breakfast. Mr Alderman Collins,sir, when I'm in my gown.HOTCHKISS [staggered] Very pleased indeed [he sits down again].THE BISHOP. Personally I value the counsel of my old friend, MrAlderman Collins, very highly. If Edith and Cecil will allow him—EDITH. Collins has known me from my childhood: I'm sure he willagree with me.COLLINS. Yes, miss: you may depend on me for that. Might I askwhat the difficulty is?EDITH. Simply this. Do you expect me to get married in theexisting state of the law?SYKES [rising and coming to Collin's left elbow] I put it to youas a sensible man: is it any worse for her than for me?REGINALD [leaving his place and thrusting himself between Collinsand Sykes, who returns to his chair] Thats not the point. Letthis be understood, Mr Collins. It's not the man who is backingout: it's the woman. [He posts himself on the hearth].LESBIA. We do not admit that, Collins. The women are perfectlyready to make a reasonable arrangement.LEO. With both men.THE GENERAL. The case is now before you, Mr Collins. And I put itto you as one man to another: did you ever hear such crazynonsense?MRS BRIDGENORTH. The world must go on, mustnt it, Collins?COLLINS [snatching at this, the first intelligible proposition hehas heard] Oh, the world will go on, maam dont you be afraid ofthat. It aint so easy to stop it as the earnest kind of peoplethink.EDITH. I knew you would agree with me, Collins. Thank you.HOTCHKISS. Have you the least idea of what they are talkingabout, Mr Alderman?COLLINS. Oh, thats all right, Sir. The particulars dont matter. Inever read the report of a Committee: after all, what can theysay, that you dont know? You pick it up as they go on talking.[Hegoes to the corner of the table and speaks across it to thecompany]. Well, my Lord and Miss Edith and Madam and Gentlemen,it's like this. Marriage is tolerable enough in its way if youreeasygoing and dont expect too much from it. But it doesnt bearthinking about. The great thing is to get the young people tiedup before they know what theyre letting themselves in for. TheresMiss Lesbia now. She waited till she started thinking about it;and then it was all over. If you once start arguing, Miss Edithand Mr Sykes, youll never get married. Go and get married first:youll have plenty of arguing afterwards, miss, believe me.HOTCHKISS. Your warning comes too late. Theyve started arguingalready.THE GENERAL. But you dont take in the full—well, I dont wish toexaggerate; but the only word I can find is the full horror ofthe situation. These ladies not only refuse our honorableoffers, but as I understand it—and I'm sure I beg your pardonmost heartily, Lesbia, if I'm wrong, as I hope I am—theyactually call on us to enter into—I'm sorry to use theexpression; but what can I say?—into ALLIANCES with them undercontracts to be drawn up by our confounded solicitors.COLLINS. Dear me, General: thats something new when the partiesbelong to the same class.THE BISHOP. Not new, Collins. The Romans did it.COLLINS. Yes: they would, them Romans. When youre in Rome do asthe Romans do, is an old saying. But we're not in Rome atpresent, my lord.THE BISHOP. We have got into many of their ways. What do youthink of the contract system, Collins?COLLINS. Well, my lord, when theres a question of a contract, Ialways say, shew it to me on paper. If it's to be talk, let it betalk; but if it's to be a contract, down with it in black andwhite; and then we shall know what we're about.HOTCHKISS. Quite right, Mr Alderman. Let us draft it at once. MayI go into the study for writing materials, Bishop?THE BISHOP. Do, Sinjon.Hotchkiss goes into the library.COLLINS. If I might point out a difficulty, my lord—THE BISHOP. Certainly. [He goes to the fourth chair from theGeneral's left, but before sitting down, courteously points tothe chair at the end of the table next the hearth]. Wont you sitdown, Mr Alderman? [Collins, very appreciative of the Bishop'sdistinguished consideration, sits down. The Bishop then takes hisseat].COLLINS. We are at present six men to four ladies. Thats notfair.REGINALD. Not fair to the men, you mean.LEO. Oh! Rejjy has said something clever! Can I be mistaken inhim?Hotchkiss comes back with a blotter and some paper. He takes thevacant place in the middle of the table between Lesbia and theBishop.COLLINS. I tell you the truth, my lord and ladies and gentlemen:I dont trust my judgment on this subject. Theres a certain ladythat I always consult on delicate points like this. She has avery exceptional experience, and a wonderful temperament andinstinct in affairs of the heart.HOTCHKISS. Excuse me, Mr Alderman: I'm a snob; and I warn youthat theres no use consulting anyone who will not advise usfrankly on class lines. Marriage is good enough for the lowerclasses: they have facilities for desertion that are denied tous. What is the social position of this lady?COLLINS. The highest in the borough, sir. She is the Mayoress.But you need not stand in awe of her, sir. She is my sister-in-law. [To the Bishop] Ive often spoken of her to your lady, mylord. [To Mrs Bridgenorth] Mrs George, maam.MRS BRIDGENORTH [startled] Do you mean to say, Collins, that MrsGeorge is a real person?COLLINS [equally startled] Didnt you believe in her, maam?MRS BRIDGENORTH. Never for a moment.THE BISHOP. We always thought that Mrs George was too good to betrue. I still dont believe in her, Collins. You must produce herif you are to convince me.COLLINS [overwhelmed] Well, I'm so taken aback by this that—WellI never!!! Why! shes at the church at this moment, waiting to seethe wedding.THE BISHOP. Then produce her. [Collins shakes his head].Come,Collins! confess. Theres no such person.COLLINS. There is, my lord: there is, I assure you. You askGeorge. It's true I cant produce her; but you can, my lord.THE BISHOP. I!COLLINS. Yes, my lord, you. For some reason that I never couldmake out, she has forbidden me to talk about you, or to let hermeet you. Ive asked her to come here of a wedding morning to helpwith the flowers or the like; and she has always refused. But ifyou order her to come as her Bishop, she'll come. She has somevery strange fancies, has Mrs George. Send your ring to her, mylord—he official ring—send it by some very stylish gentleman—perhaps Mr Hotchkiss here would be good enough to take it—andshe'll come.THE BISHOP [taking off his ring and handing it to Hotchkiss]Oblige me by undertaking the mission.HOTCHKISS. But how am I to know the lady?COLLINS. She has gone to the church in state, sir, and will beattended by a Beadle with a mace. He will point her out to you;and he will take the front seat of the carriage on the way back.HOTCHKISS. No, by heavens! Forgive me, Bishop; but you are askingtoo much. I ran away from the Boers because I was a snob. I runaway from the Beadle for the same reason. I absolutely declinethe mission.THE GENERAL [rising impressively] Be good enough to give me thatring, Mr Hotchkiss.HOTCHKISS. With pleasure. [He hands it to him].THE GENERAL. I shall have the great pleasure, Mr Alderman, inwaiting on the Mayoress with the Bishop's orders; and I shall beproud to return with municipal honors. [He stalks out gallantly,Collins rising for a moment to bow to him with marked dignity].REGINALD. Boxer is rather a fine old josser in his way.HOTCHKISS. His uniform gives him an unfair advantage. He willtake all the attention off the Beadle.COLLINS. I think it would be as well, my lord, to go on with thecontract while we're waiting. The truth is, we shall none of ushave much of a look-in when Mrs George comes; so we had betterfinish the writing part of the business before she arrives.HOTCHKISS. I think I have the preliminaries down all right.[Reading] 'Memorandum of Agreement made this day of blank blankbetween blank blank of blank blank in the County of blank,Esquire, hereinafter called the Gentleman, of the one part, andblank blank of blank in the County of blank, hereinafter calledthe Lady, of the other part, whereby it is declared and agreed asfollows.'LEO [rising] You might remember your manners, Sinjon. The ladycomes first. [She goes behind him and stoops to look at the draftover his shoulder].HOTCHKISS. To be sure. I beg your pardon. [He alters the draft].LEO. And you have got only one lady and one gentleman. Thereought to be two gentlemen.COLLINS. Oh, thats a mere matter of form, maam. Any number ofladies or gentlemen can be put in.LEO. Not any number of ladies. Only one lady. Besides, thatcreature wasnt a lady.REGINALD. You shut your head, Leo. This is a general sort ofcontract for everybody: it's not your tract.LEO. Then what use is it to me?HOTCHKISS. You will get some hints from it for your own contract.EDITH. I hope there will be no hinting. Let us have the plainstraightforward truth and nothing but the truth.COLLINS. Yes, yes, miss: it will be all right. Theres nothingunderhand, I assure you. It's a model agreement, as it were.EDITH [unconvinced] I hope so.HOTCHKISS. What is the first clause in an agreement, usually? Youknow, Mr Alderman.COLLINS [at a loss] Well, Sir, the Town Clerk always sees tothat. Ive got out of the habit of thinking for myself in theselittle matters. Perhaps his lordship knows.THE BISHOP. I'm sorry to say I dont. Soames will know. Alice,where is Soames?HOTCHKISS. He's in there [pointing to the study].THE BISHOP [to his wife] Coax him to join us, my love. [MrsBridgenorth goes into the study]. Soames is my chaplain, MrCollins. The great difficulty about Bishops in the Church ofEngland to-day is that the affairs of the diocese make itnecessary that a Bishop should be before everything a man ofbusiness, capable of sticking to his desk for sixteen hours aday. But the result of having Bishops of this sort is that thespiritual interests of the Church, and its influence on the soulsand imaginations of the people, very soon begins to go rapidly tothe devil—EDITH [shocked] Papa!THE BISHOP. I am speaking technically, not in Boxer's manner.Indeed the Bishops themselves went so far in that direction thatthey gained a reputation for being spiritually the stupidest menin the country and commercially the sharpest. I found a way outof this difficulty. Soames was my solicitor. I found that Soames,though a very capable man of business, had a romantic secret his-tory. His father was an eminent Nonconformist divine whohabitually spoke of the Church of England as The Scarlet Woman.Soames became secretly converted to Anglicanism at the age offifteen. He longed to take holy orders, but didnt dare to,because his father had a weak heart and habitually threatened todrop dead if anybody hurt his feelings. You may have noticed thatpeople with weak hearts are the tyrants of English family life.So poor Soames had to become a solicitor. When his father died—by a curious stroke of poetic justice he died of scarlet fever,and was found to have had a perfectly sound heart—I ordainedSoames and made him my chaplain. He is now quite happy. He is acelibate; fasts strictly on Fridays and throughout Lent; wears acassock and biretta; and has more legal business to do than everhe had in his old office in Ely Place. And he sets me free forthe spiritual and scholarly pursuits proper to a Bishop.MRS BRIDGENORTH [coming back from the study with a knittingbasket] Here he is. [She resumes her seat, and knits].Soames comes in in cassock and biretta. He salutes the company byblessing them with two fingers.HOTCHKISS. Take my place, Mr Soames. [He gives up his chair tohim, and retires to the oak chest, on which he seats himself].THE BISHOP. No longer Mr Soames, Sinjon. Father Anthony.SOAMES [taking his seat] I was christened Oliver Cromwell Soames.My father had no right to do it. I have taken the name ofAnthony. When you become parents, young gentlemen, be verycareful not to label a helpless child with views which it maycome to hold in abhorrence.THE BISHOP. Has Alice explained to you the nature of the documentwe are drafting?SOAMES. She has indeed.LESBIA. That sounds as if you disapproved.SOAMES. It is not for me to approve or disapprove. I do the workthat comes to my hand from my ecclesiastical superior.THE BISHOP. Dont be uncharitable, Anthony. You must give us yourbest advice.SOAMES. My advice to you all is to do your duty by taking theChristian vows of celibacy and poverty. The Church was foundedto put an end to marriage and to put an end to property.MRS BRIDGENORTH. But how could the world go on, Anthony?SOAMES. Do your duty and see. Doing your duty is your business:keeping the world going is in higher hands.LESBIA. Anthony: youre impossible.SOAMES [taking up his pen] You wont take my advice. I didntexpect you would. Well, I await your instructions.REGINALD. We got stuck on the first clause. What should we beginwith?SOAMES. It is usual to begin with the term of the contract.EDITH. What does that mean?SOAMES. The term of years for which it is to hold good.LEO. But this is a marriage contract.SOAMES. Is the marriage to be for a year, a week, or a day?REGINALD. Come, I say, Anthony! Youre worse than any of us. Aday!SOAMES. Off the path is off the path. An inch or a mile: whatdoes it matter?LEO. If the marriage is not to be for ever, I'll have nothing todo with it. I call it immoral to have a marriage for a term ofyears. If the people dont like it they can get divorced.REGINALD. It ought to be for just as long as the two people like.Thats what I say.COLLINS. They may not agree on the point, sir. It's often fastwith one and loose with the other.LESBIA. I should say for as long as the man behaves himself.THE BISHOP. Suppose the woman doesnt behave herself?MRS BRIDGENORTH. The woman may have lost all her chances of agood marriage with anybody else. She should not be cast adrift.REGINALD. So may the man! What about his home?LEO. The wife ought to keep an eye on him, and see that he iscomfortable and takes care of himself properly. The other manwont want her all the time.LESBIA. There may not be another man.LEO. Then why on earth should she leave him?LESBIA. Because she wants to.LEO. Oh, if people are going to be let do what they want to,then I call it simple immorality. [She goes indignantly to theoak chest, and perches herself on it close beside Hotchkiss].REGINALD [watching them sourly] You do it yourself, dont you?LEO. Oh, thats quite different. Dont make foolish witticisms,Rejjy.THE BISHOP. We dont seem to be getting on. What do you say, MrAlderman?COLLINS. Well, my lord, you see people do persist in talking asif marriages was all of one sort. But theres almost as manydifferent sorts of marriages as theres different sorts of people.Theres the young things that marry for love, not knowing whattheyre doing, and the old things that marry for money and comfortand companionship. Theres the people that marry for children.Theres the people that dont intend to have children and that arntfit to have them. Theres the people that marry because theyre somuch run after by the other sex that they have to put a stop toit somehow. Theres the people that want to try a new experience,and the people that want to have done with experiences. How areyou to please them all? Why, youll want half a dozen differentsorts of contract.THE BISHOP. Well, if so, let us draw them all up. Let us face it.REGINALD. Why should we be held together whether we like it ornot? Thats the question thats at the bottom of it all.MRS BRIDGENORTH. Because of the children, Rejjy.COLLINS. But even then, maam, why should we be held together whenthats all over—when the girls are married and the boys out inthe world and in business for themselves? When thats done with,the real work of the marriage is done with. If the two like tostay together, let them stay together. But if not, let them part,as old people in the workhouses do. Theyve had enough of oneanother. Theyve found one another out. Why should they be tiedtogether to sit there grudging and hating and spiting one anotherlike so many do? Put it twenty years from the birth of theyoungest child.SOAMES. How if there be no children?COLLINS. Let em take one another on liking.MRS BRIDGENORTH. Collins!LEO. You wicked old man—THE BISHOP [remonstrating] My dear, my dear!LESBIA. And what is a woman to live on, pray, when she is nolonger liked, as you call it?SOAMES [with sardonic formality] It is proposed that the term ofthe agreement be twenty years from the birth of the youngestchild when there are children. Any amendment?LEO. I protest. It must be for life. It would not be a marriageat all if it were not for life.SOAMES. Mrs Reginald Bridgenorth proposes life. Any seconder?LEO. Dont be soulless, Anthony.LESBIA. I have a very important amendment. If there are anychildren, the man must be cleared completely out of the house fortwo years on each occasion. At such times he is superfluous,importunate, and ridiculous.COLLINS. But where is he to go, miss?LESBIA. He can go where he likes as long as he does not botherthe mother.REGINALD. And is she to be left lonely—LESBIA. Lonely! With her child. The poor woman would be only tooglad to have a moment to herself. Dont be absurd, Rejjy.REGINALD. That father is to be a wandering wretched outcast,living at his club, and seeing nobody but his friends' wives!LESBIA [ironically] Poor fellow!HOTCHKISS. The friends' wives are perhaps the solution of theproblem. You see, their husbands will also be outcasts; and thepoor ladies will occasionally pine for male society.LESBIA. There is no reason why a mother should not have malesociety. What she clearly should not have is a husband.SOAMES. Anything else, Miss Grantham?LESBIA. Yes: I must have my own separate house, or my ownseparate part of a house. Boxer smokes: I cant endure tobacco.Boxer believes that an open window means death from cold andexposure to the night air: I must have fresh air always. We canbe friends; but we cant live together; and that must be put inthe agreement.EDITH. Ive no objection to smoking; and as to opening thewindows, Cecil will of course have to do what is best for hishealth.THE BISHOP. Who is to be the judge of that, my dear? You or he?EDITH. Neither of us. We must do what the doctor orders.REGINALD. Doctor be—!LEO [admonitorily] Rejjy!REGINALD [to Soames] You take my tip, Anthony. Put a clause intothat agreement that the doctor is to have no say in the job. It'sbad enough for the two people to be married to one anotherwithout their both being married to the doctor as well.LESBIA. That reminds me of something very important. Boxerbelieves in vaccination: I do not. There must be a clause that Iam to decide on such questions as I think best.LEO [to the Bishop] Baptism is nearly as important asvaccination: isnt it?THE BISHOP. It used to be considered so, my dear.LEO. Well, Sinjon scoffs at it: he says that godfathers areridiculous. I must be allowed to decide.REGINALD. Theyll be his children as well as yours, you know.LEO. Dont be indelicate, Rejjy.EDITH. You are forgetting the very important matter of money.COLLINS. Ah! Money! Now we're coming to it!EDITH. When I'm married I shall have practically no money exceptwhat I shall earn.THE BISHOP. I'm sorry, Cecil. A Bishop's daughter is a poor man'sdaughter.SYKES. But surely you dont imagine that I'm going to let Edithwork when we're married. I'm not a rich man; but Ive enough tospare her that; and when my mother dies—EDITH. What nonsense! Of course I shall work when I'm married. Ishall keep your house.SYKES. Oh, that!REGINALD. You call that work?EDITH. Dont you? Leo used to do it for nothing; so no doubt youthought it wasnt work at all. Does your present housekeeper do itfor nothing?REGINALD. But it will be part of your duty as a wife.EDITH. Not under this contract. I'll not have it so. If I'm tokeep the house, I shall expect Cecil to pay me at least as wellas he would pay a hired housekeeper. I'll not go begging to himevery time I want a new dress or a cab fare, as so many womenhave to do.SYKES. You know very well I would grudge you nothing, Edie.EDITH. Then dont grudge me my self-respect and independence. Iinsist on it in fairness to you, Cecil, because in this way therewill be a fund belonging solely to me; and if Slattox takes anaction against you for anything I say, you can pay the damagesand stop the interest out of my salary.SOAMES. You forget that under this contract he will not beliable, because you will not be his wife in law.EDITH. Nonsense! Of course I shall be his wife.COLLINS [his curiosity roused] Is Slattox taking an actionagainst you, miss? Slattox is on the Council with me. Could Isettle it?EDITH. He has not taken an action; but Cecil says he will.COLLINS. What for, miss, if I may ask?EDITH. Slattox is a liar and a thief; and it is my duty to exposehim.COLLINS. You surprise me, miss. Of course Slattox is in a mannerof speaking a liar. If I may say so without offence, we're allliars, if it was only to spare one another's feelings. But Ishouldnt call Slattox a thief. He's not all that he should be,perhaps; but he pays his way.EDITH. If that is only your nice way of saying that Slattox isentirely unfit to have two hundred girls in his power as absoluteslaves, then I shall say that too about him at the very nextpublic meeting I address. He steals their wages under pretence offining them. He steals their food under pretence of buying it forthem. He lies when he denies having done it. And he does otherthings, as you evidently know, Collins. Therefore I give younotice that I shall expose him before all England without theleast regard to the consequences to myself.SYKES. Or to me?EDITH. I take equal risks. Suppose you felt it to be your duty toshoot Slattox, what would become of me and the children? I'm sureI dont want anybody to be shot: not even Slattox; but if thepublic never will take any notice of even the most crying eviluntil somebody is shot, what are people to do but shoot somebody?SOAMES [inexorably] I'm waiting for my instructions as to theterm of the agreement.REGINALD [impatiently, leaving the hearth and going behindSoames] It's no good talking all over the shop like this. Weshall be here all day. I propose that the agreement holds gooduntil the parties are divorced.SOAMES. They cant be divorced. They will not be married.REGINALD. But if they cant be divorced, then this will be worsethan marriage.MRS BRIDGENORTH. Of course it will. Do stop this nonsense. Why,who are the children to belong to?LESBIA. We have already settled that they are to belong to themother.REGINALD. No: I'm dashed if you have. I'll fight for theownership of my own children tooth and nail; and so will a goodmany other fellows, I can tell you.EDITH. It seems to me that they should be divided between theparents. If Cecil wishes any of the children to be hisexclusively, he should pay a certain sum for the risk and troubleof bringing them into the world: say a thousand pounds apiece.The interest on this could go towards the support of the child aslong as we live together. But the principal would be my property.In that way, if Cecil took the child away from me, I should atleast be paid for what it had cost me.MRS BRIDGENORTH [putting down her knitting in amazement] Edith!Who ever heard of such a thing!!EDITH. Well, how else do you propose to settle it?THE BISHOP. There is such a thing as a favorite child. What aboutthe youngest child—the Benjamin—the child of its parents'matured strength and charity, always better treated and betterloved than the unfortunate eldest children of their youthfulignorance and wilfulness? Which parent is to own the youngestchild, payment or no payment?COLLINS. Theres a third party, my lord. Theres the child itself.My wife is so fond of her children that they cant call theirlives their own. They all run away from home to escape from her.A child hasnt a grown-up person's appetite for affection. Alittle of it goes a long way with them; and they like a goodimitation of it better than the real thing, as every nurse knows.SOAMEs. Are you sure that any of us, young or old, like the realthing as well as we like an artistic imitation of it? Is not thereal thing accursed? Are not the best beloved always the goodactors rather than the true sufferers? Is not love alwaysfalsified in novels and plays to make it endurable? I havenoticed in myself a great delight in pictures of the Saints andof Our Lady; but when I fall under that most terrible curse ofthe priest's lot, the curse of Joseph pursued by the wife ofPotiphar, I am invariably repelled and terrified.HOTCHKISS. Are you now speaking as a saint, Father Anthony, or asa solicitor?SOAMES. There is no difference. There is not one Christian rulefor solicitors and another for saints. Their hearts are alike;and their way of salvation is along the same road.THE BISHOP. But "few there be that find it." Can you find it forus, Anthony?SOAMES. It lies broad before you. It is the way to destructionthat is narrow and tortuous. Marriage is an abomination which theChurch has founded to cast out and replace by the communion ofsaints. I learnt that from every marriage settlement I drew up asa solicitor no less than from inspired revelation. You have setyourselves here to put your sin before you in black and white;and you cant agree upon or endure one article of it.SYKES. It's certainly rather odd that the whole thing seems tofall to pieces the moment you touch it.THE BISHOP. You see, when you give the devil fair play he loseshis case. He has not been able to produce even the first clauseof a working agreement; so I'm afraid we cant wait for him anylonger.LESBIA. Then the community will have to do without my children.EDITH. And Cecil will have to do without me.LEO [getting off the chest] And I positively will not marrySinjon if he is not clever enough to make some provision for mylooking after Rejjy. [She leaves Hotchkiss, and goes back to herchair at the end of the table behind Mrs Bridgenorth].MRS BRIDGENORTH. And the world will come to an end with thisgeneration, I suppose.COLLINS. Cant nothing be done, my lord?THE BISHOP. You can make divorce reasonable and decent: that isall.LESBIA. Thank you for nothing. If you will only make marriagereasonable and decent, you can do as you like about divorce. Ihave not stated my deepest objection to marriage; and I dontintend to. There are certain rights I will not give any personover me.REGINALD. Well, I think it jolly hard that a man should supporthis wife for years, and lose the chance of getting a really goodwife, and then have her refuse to be a wife to him.LESBIA. I'm not going to discuss it with you, Rejjy. If yoursense of personal honor doesnt make you understand, nothing will.SOAMES [implacably] I'm still awaiting my instructions.They look at one another, each waiting for one of the others tosuggest something. Silence.REGINALD [blankly] I suppose, after all, marriage is better than—well, than the usual alternative.SOAMES [turning fiercely on him] What right have you to say so?You know that the sins that are wasting and maddening thisunhappy nation are those committed in wedlock.COLLINS. Well, the single ones cant afford to indulge theiraffections the same as married people.SOAMES. Away with it all, I say. You have your Master'scommandments. Obey them.HOTCHKISS [rising and leaning on the back of the chair leftvacant by the General] I really must point out to you, FatherAnthony, that the early Christian rules of life were not made tolast, because the early Christians did not believe that the worlditself was going to last. Now we know that we shall have to gothrough with it. We have found that there are millions of yearsbehind us; and we know that that there are millions before us.Mrs Bridgenorth's question remains unanswered. How is the worldto go on? You say that that is our business—that it is thebusiness of Providence. But the modern Christian view is that weare here to do the business of Providence and nothing else. Thequestion is, how. Am I not to use my reason to find out why? Isntthat what my reason is for? Well, all my reason tells me atpresent is that you are an impracticable lunatic.SOAMEs. Does that help?HOTCHKISS. No.SOAMEs. Then pray for light.HOTCHKISS. No: I am a snob, not a beggar. [He sits down in theGeneral's chair].COLLINS. We dont seem to be getting on, do we? Miss Edith: youand Mr Sykes had better go off to church and settle the right andwrong of it afterwards. Itll ease your minds, believe me: I speakfrom experience. You will burn your boats, as one might say.SOAMES. We should never burn our boats. It is death in life.COLLINS. Well, Father, I will say for you that you have views ofyour own and are not afraid to out with them. But some of us areof a more cheerful disposition. On the Borough Council now, youwould be in a minority of one. You must take human nature as itis.SOAMES. Upon what compulsion must I? I'll take divine nature asit is. I'll not hold a candle to the devil.THE BISHOP. Thats a very unchristian way of treating the devil.REGINALD. Well, we dont seem to be getting any further, do we?THE BISHOP. Will you give it up and get married, Edith?EDITH. No. What I propose seems to me quite reasonable.THE BISHOP. And you, Lesbia?LESBIA. Never.MRS BRIDGENORTH. Never is a long word, Lesbia. Dont say it.LESBIA [with a flash of temper] Dont pity me, Alice, please. As Isaid before, I am an English lady, quite prepared to do withoutanything I cant have on honorable conditions.SOAMES [after a silence expressive of utter deadlock] I am stillawaiting my instructions.REGINALD. Well, we dont seem to be getting along, do we?LEO [out of patience] You said that before, Rejjy. Do not repeatyourself.REGINALD. Oh, bother! [He goes to the garden door and looks outgloomily].SOAMES [rising with the paper in his hands] Psha! [He tears it inpieces]. So much for the contract!THE VOICE OF THE BEADLE. By your leave there, gentlemen. Make wayfor the Mayoress. Way for the worshipful the Mayoress, my lordsand gentlemen. [He comes in through the tower, in cocked hat andgoldbraided overcoat, bearing the borough mace, and posts himselfat the entrance]. By your leave, gentlemen, way for theworshipful the Mayoress.COLLINS [moving back towards the wall] Mrs George, my lord.Mrs George is every inch a Mayoress in point of stylish dressing;and she does it very well indeed. There is nothing quiet aboutMrs George; she is not afraid of colors, and knows how to makethe most of them. Not at all a lady in Lesbia's use of the termas a class label, she proclaims herself to the first glance asthe triumphant, pampered, wilful, intensely alive woman who hasalways been rich among poor people. In a historical museum shewould explain Edward the Fourth's taste for shopkeepers' wives.Her age, which is certainly 40, and might be 50, is carried offby her vitality, her resilient figure, and her confidentcarriage. So far, a remarkably well-preserved woman. But herbeauty is wrecked, like an ageless landscape ravaged by long andfierce war. Her eyes are alive, arresting and haunting; and thereis still a turn of delicate beauty and pride in her indomitablechin; but her cheeks are wasted and lined, her mouth writhen andpiteous. The whole face is a battlefield of the passions, quitedeplorable until she speaks, when an alert sense of funrejuvenates her in a moment, and makes her company irresistible.All rise except Soames, who sits down. Leo joins Reginald at thegarden door. Mrs Bridgenorth hurries to the tower to receive herguest, and gets as far as Soames's chair when Mrs George appears.Hotchkiss, apparently recognizing her, recoils in consternationto the study door at the furthest corner of the room from her.MRS GEORGE [coming straight to the Bishop with the ring in herhand] Here is your ring, my lord; and here am I. It's your doing,remember: not mine.THE BISHOP. Good of you to come.MRS BRIDGENORTH. How do you do, Mrs Collins?MRS GEORGE [going to her past the Bishop, and gazing intently ather] Are you his wife?MRS BRIDGENORTH. The Bishop's wife? Yes.MRS GEORGE. What a destiny! And you look like any other woman!MRS BRIDGENORTH [introducing Lesbia] My sister, Miss Grantham.MRS GEORGE. So strangely mixed up with the story of the General'slife?THE BISHOP. You know the story of his life, then?MRS GEORGE. Not all. We reached the house before he brought it upto the present day. But enough to know the part played in it byMiss Grantham.MRS BRIDGENORTH [introducing Leo] Mrs Reginald Bridgenorth.REGINALD. The late Mrs Reginald Bridgenorth.LEO. Hold your tongue, Rejjy. At least have the decency to waituntil the decree is made absolute.MRS GEORGE [to Leo] Well, youve more time to get married againthan he has, havnt you?MRS BRIDGENORTH [introducing Hotchkiss] Mr St John Hotchkiss.Hotchkiss, still far aloof by the study door, bows.MRS GEORGE. What! That! [She makes a half tour of the kitchen andends right in front of him]. Young man: do you remember cominginto my shop and telling me that my husband's coals were out ofplace in your cellar, as Nature evidently intended them for theroof?HOTCHKISS. I remember that deplorable impertinence with shame andconfusion. You were kind enough to answer that Mr Collins waslooking out for a clever young man to write advertisements, andthat I could take the job if I liked.MRS GEORGE. It's still open. [She turns to Edith].MRS BRIDGENORTH. My daughter Edith. [She comes towards the studydoor to make the introduction].MRS GEORGE. The bride! [Looking at Edith's dressing-jacket] Yourenot going to get married like that, are you?THE BISHOP [coming round the table to Edith's left] Thats justwhat we are discussing. Will you be so good as to join us andallow us the benefit of your wisdom and experience?MRS GEORGE. Do you want the Beadle as well? He's a married man.They all turn, involuntarily and contemplate the Beadle, whosustains their gaze with dignity.THE BISHOP. We think there are already too many men to be quitefair to the women.MRS GEORGE. Right, my lord. [She goes back to the tower andaddresses the Beadle] Take away that bauble, Joseph. Wait for mewherever you find yourself most comfortable in the neighborhood.[The Beadle withdraws. She notices Collins for the first time].Hullo, Bill: youve got em all on too. Go and hunt up a drink forJoseph: theres a dear. [Collins goes out. She looks at Soames'scassock and biretta] What! Another uniform! Are you the sexton?[He rises].THE BISHOP. My chaplain, Father Anthony.MRS GEORGE. Oh Lord! [To Soames, coaxingly] You dont mind, doyou?SOAMES. I mind nothing but my duties.THE BISHOP. You know everybody now, I think.MRS GEORGE [turning to the railed chair] Who's this?THE BISHOP. Oh, I beg your pardon, Cecil. Mr Sykes. Thebridegroom.MRS GEORGE [to Sykes] Adorned for the sacrifice, arnt you?SYKES. It seems doubtful whether there is going to be anysacrifice.MRS GEORGE. Well, I want to talk to the women first. Shall we goupstairs and look at the presents and dresses?MRS BRIDGENORTH. If you wish, certainly.REGINALD. But the men want to hear what you have to say too.MRS GEORGE. I'll talk to them afterwards: one by one.HOTCHKISS [to himself] Great heavens!MRS BRIDGENORTH. This way, Mrs Collins. [She leads the way outthrough the tower, followed by Mrs George, Lesbia, Leo, andEdith].THE BISHOP. Shall we try to get through the last batch of letterswhilst they are away, Soames?SOAMES. Yes, certainly. [To Hotchkiss, who is in his way] Excuseme.The Bishop and Soames go into the study, disturbing Hotchkiss,who, plunged in a strange reverie, has forgotten where he is.Awakened by Soames, he stares distractedly; then, with suddenresolution, goes swiftly to the middle of the kitchen.HOTCHKISS. Cecil. Rejjy. [Startled by his urgency, they hurry tohim]. I'm frightfully sorry to desert on this day; but I mustbolt. This time it really is pure cowardice. I cant help it.REGINALD. What are you afraid of?HOTCHKISS. I dont know. Listen to me. I was a young fool livingby myself in London. I ordered my first ton of coals from thatwoman's husband. At that time I did not know that it is not trueeconomy to buy the lowest priced article: I thought all coalswere alike, and tried the thirteen shilling kind because itseemed cheap. It proved unexpectedly inferior to the familySilkstone; and in the irritation into which the first scuttlethrew me, I called at the shop and made an idiot of myself as shedescribed.SYKES. Well, suppose you did! Laugh at it, man.HOTCHKISS. At that, yes. But there was something worse. Judge ofmy horror when, calling on the coal merchant to make a triflingcomplaint at finding my grate acting as a battery of quick-firingguns, and being confronted by his vulgar wife, I felt in herpresence an extraordinary sensation of unrest, of emotion, ofunsatisfied need. I'll not disgust you with details of themadness and folly that followed that meeting. But it went as faras this: that I actually found myself prowling past the shop atnight under a sort of desperate necessity to be near some placewhere she had been. A hideous temptation to kiss the doorstepbecause her foot had pressed it made me realize how mad I was. Itore myself away from London by a supreme effort; but I was onthe point of returning like a needle to the lodestone when theoutbreak of the war saved me. On the field of battle theinfatuation wore off. The Billiter affair made a new man of me: Ifelt that I had left the follies and puerilities of the old daysbehind me for ever. But half-an-hour ago—when the Bishop sentoff that ring—a sudden grip at the base of my heart filled mewith a nameless terror—me, the fearless! I recognized its causewhen she walked into the room. Cecil: this woman is a harpy, asiren, a mermaid, a vampire. There is only one chance for me:flight, instant precipitate flight. Make my excuses.Forget me. Farewell. [He makes for the door and is confronted byMrs George entering]. Too late: I'm lost. [He turns back andthrows himself desperately into the chair nearest the study door;that being the furthest away from her].MRS GEORGE [coming to the hearth and addressing Reginald] MrBridgenorth: will you oblige me by leaving me with this youngman. I want to talk to him like a mother, on YOUR business.REGINALD. Do, maam. He needs it badly. Come along, Sykes. [Hegoes into the study].SYKES [looks irresolutely at Hotchkiss]—?HOTCHKISS. Too late: you cant save me now, Cecil. Go.Sykes goes into the study. Mrs George strolls across to Hotchkissand contemplates him curiously.HOTCHKISS. Useless to prolong this agony. [Rising] Fatal woman—if woman you are indeed and not a fiend in human form—MRS GEORGE. Is this out of a book? Or is it your usual societysmall talk?HOTCHKISS [recklessly] Jibes are useless: the force that issweeping me away will not spare you. I must know the worst atonce. What was your father?MRS GEORGE. A licensed victualler who married his barmaid. Youwould call him a publican, most likely.HOTCHKISS. Then you are a woman totally beneath me. Do you denyit? Do you set up any sort of pretence to be my equal in rank, inage, or in culture?MRS GEORGE. Have you eaten anything that has disagreed with you?HOTCHKISS [witheringly] Inferior!MRS GEORGE. Thank you. Anything else?HOTCHKISS. This. I love you. My intentions are not honorable.[She shows no dismay]. Scream. Ring the bell. Have me turned outof the house.MRS GEORGE [with sudden depth of feeling] Oh, if you couldrestore to this wasted exhausted heart one ray of the passionthat once welled up at the glance at the touch of a lover! It'syou who would scream then, young man. Do you see this face, oncefresh and rosy like your own, now scarred and riven by a hundredburnt-out fires?HOTCHKISS [wildly] Slate fires. Thirteen shillings a ton. Firesthat shoot out destructive meteors, blinding and burning, sendingmen into the streets to make fools of themselves.MRS GEORGE. You seem to have got it pretty bad, Sinjon.HOTCHKISS. Dont dare call me Sinjon.MRS GEORGE. My name is Zenobia Alexandrina. You may call me Pollyfor short.HOTCHKISS. Your name is Ashtoreth—Durga—there is no name yetinvented malign enough for you.MRS GEORGE [sitting down comfortably] Come! Do you really thinkyoure better suited to that young sauce box than her husband? Youenjoyed her company when you were only the friend of the family—when there was the husband there to shew off against and to takeall the responsibility. Are you sure youll enjoy it as much whenyou are the husband? She isnt clever, you know. She's only silly-clever.HOTCHKISS [uneasily leaning against the table and holding on toit to control his nervous movements] Need you tell me? fiend thatyou are!MRS GEORGE. You amused the husband, didnt you?HOTCHKISS. He has more real sense of humor than she. He's betterbred. That was not my fault.MRS GEORGE. My husband has a sense of humor too.HOTCHKISS. The coal merchant?—I mean the slate merchant.MRS GEORGE [appreciatively] He would just love to hear you talk.He's been dull lately for want of a change of company and a bitof fresh fun.HOTCHKISS [flinging a chair opposite her and sitting down with anoverdone attempt at studied insolence] And pray what is yourwretched husband's vulgar conviviality to me?MRS GEORGE. You love me?HOTCHKISS. I loathe you.MRS GEORGE. It's the same thing.HOTCHKISS. Then I'm lost.MRS GEORGE. You may come and see me if you promise to amuseGeorge.HOTCHKISS. I'll insult him, sneer at him, wipe my boots on him.MRS GEORGE. No you wont, dear boy. Youll be a perfect gentleman.HOTCHKISS [beaten; appealing to her mercy] Zenobia—MRS GEORGE. Polly, please.HOTCHKISS. Mrs Collins—MRS GEORGE. Sir?HOTCHKISS. Something stronger than my reason and common sense isholding my hands and tearing me along. I make no attempt to denythat it can drag me where you please and make me do what youlike. But at least let me know your soul as you seem to knowmine. Do you love this absurd coal merchant?MRS GEORGE. Call him George.HOTCHKISS. Do you love your Jorjy Porjy?MRS GEORGE. Oh, I dont know that I love him. He's my husband, youknow. But if I got anxious about George's health, and I thoughtit would nourish him, I would fry you with onions for hisbreakfast and think nothing of it. George and I are good friends.George belongs to me. Other men may come and go; but George goeson for ever.HOTCHKISS. Yes: a husband soon becomes nothing but a habit.Listen: I suppose this detestable fascination you have for me islove.MRS GEORGE. Any sort of feeling for a woman is called lovenowadays.HOTCHKISS. Do you love me?MRS GEORGE [promptly] My love is not quite so cheap an article asthat, my lad. I wouldnt cross the street to have another look atyou—not yet. I'm not starving for love like the robins inwinter, as the good ladies youre accustomed to are. Youll have tobe very clever, and very good, and very real, if you are tointerest me. If George takes a fancy to you, and you amuse himenough, I'll just tolerate you coming in and out occasionallyfor—well, say a month. If you can make a friend of me in thattime so much the better for you. If you can touch my poor dyingheart even for an instant, I'll bless you, and never forget you.You may try—if George takes to you.HOTCHKISS. I'm to come on liking for the month?MRS GEORGE. On condition that you drop Mrs Reginald.HOTCHKISS. But she wont drop me. Do you suppose I ever wanted tomarry her? I was a homeless bachelor; and I felt quite happy attheir house as their friend. Leo was an amusing little devil; butI liked Reginald much more than I liked her. She didntunderstand. One day she came to me and told me that theinevitable bad happened. I had tact enough not to ask her whatthe inevitable was; and I gathered presently that she had toldReginald that their marriage was a mistake and that she loved meand could no longer see me breaking my heart for her in sufferingsilence. What could I say? What could I do? What can I say now?What can I do now?MRS GEORGE. Tell her that the habit of falling in love with othermen's wives is growing on you; and that I'm your latest.HOTCHKISS. What! Throw her over when she has thrown Reginald overfor me!MRS GEORGE [rising] You wont then? Very well. Sorry we shant meetagain: I should have liked to see more of you for George's sake.Good-bye [she moves away from him towards the hearth].HOTCHKISS [appealing] Zenobia—MRS. GEORGE. I thought I lead made a difficult conquest. Now Isee you are only one of those poor petticoat-hunting creaturesthat any woman can pick up. Not for me, thank you. [Inexorable,she turns towards the tower to go].HOTCHKISS [following] Dont be an ass, Polly.MRS GEORGE [stopping] Thats better.HOTCHKISS. Cant you see that I maynt throw Leo over just becauseI should be only too glad to. It would be dishonorable.MRS GEORGE. Will you be happy if you marry her?HOTCHKISS. No, great heaven, NO!