XXIHOW AMERICAN ADVERTISEMENT DOES IT
San Francisco, July 28th.
To Editor New York Newspaper who might know list of peculiarities.
Dear Mr. Sir—Please to ask some of your customers who read that dear paper to tell one necessary reply to poor Japanese Boy who is again in condition of not working. Please ask them how best for cheap money I can advertise myself as needing situation of employment at wash-dishes, table-wait, being valet or teaching American language to Japanese or German foreigners. I put in the following itemized appeal into San Francisco newspaper-press:
Wanted—Japanese Schoolboy is earnest about something to do, and can speeck Japanese or American while doing so. Can make beds politely, cherish house-plants and assist cow or horse of good family. I perform most difficult duties when confined to kitchen and can persuade Pianola to go when excited. Answer it immediately. Maybe that will be too late—Response, Togo, this news.
Wanted—Japanese Schoolboy is earnest about something to do, and can speeck Japanese or American while doing so. Can make beds politely, cherish house-plants and assist cow or horse of good family. I perform most difficult duties when confined to kitchen and can persuade Pianola to go when excited. Answer it immediately. Maybe that will be too late—Response, Togo, this news.
That correspondence cost me price of $1.85 obtained by borrowing. I am depressed about results and confused to think. This morningI see that advertise in newspaper-press where I put it. But sakes of life! how difficult to see it! I look in Wanting Column of this journal-paper and find such disgusting number of persons was pleading for jobs and was crowding all over that page saying so about it. Very few of these offered to do such talented things like I did. And yet I was No. 114 in that list of workers! It is very difficult for pride of Japanese Boy to read about himself in such small print.
Of suddenly I enjoy one serious brain-thought. Advertising is one beautiful national custom which Japanese Boy must learn before becoming complete. It is habit of these U. S. persons to print statements of their virtues and hand it around. In Japan when spring of love-time come along persons deliver little lily-pad plants to doorstep and remind friends of their aliveness. In these U. S. persons at approach of springtime deliver advertisement-circular for same reason. Hon. Dr. Smith, dentist, leave to doorstep of dear friend following card:
DO YOU ENJOY TOOTHACHE?
Dr. Smith Pulls Teeths From Experience
GET THE HABIT!!!
Each gentleman indulging in art or business do likesome to any extent. Gentlemen wishingto succeed in poetry, plumbing, clergyman or eye-wash medicine must put-in some kind of holler about it.
Landscapes is good for these decorations.
In travelling through American scenery by rail-car I can not interest my brain-thoughts in birds & flowers because of large conversation which persons has painted all over nature. By sweet runny-brook is sign-post of fierce red to say, “Sizzo Table Water. It is Sufficient.” By grandeur of top-mountain is reckless blue motto, “Circulation ofDaily BazooIs Making Climb Up.” By lovely oat-patch is signature, “Mormon Oats—They Chew Themselves.” Meadow of grass is full with gigantic hop-frogs, aggrevated bottles, magnificent lady-corsets, etc., which eminent American sculptors has cut out with saws. Nature is somewhere behind these, but what is she doing? Maybe she is trying to grow.
Frequent professors say-so about American Indians talking with sign-language. Is that it what I seen?
Sidney Katsu, light-thinking Japanese of considerable deceptiveness, say to me of recent date:
“Hon. Togo, you hear what-about has happen to American battle-fleet?”
“Tell me to know,” I renig with excitement, because I am Japanese Spy.
“So much is them war-boats painted of white colour they will be used for advertisements when approaching to China,” deliver this Katsu.
“Oh not to be possible!” I collapse, “what advertisement will be decorated upon this patriotic navy?”
“Following words will there be painted upon each white-side boat,” commute Katsu and show this card:
THIS FLEET IS PAINTED WITHSNOWDRIFT ENAMEL PAINTTry It on Your Bath-tub!!!
Shall I believe this calamity to American navy, Mr. Editor? I am disgusted to suspect that fly-off brain of Sidney Katsu. Some one has reached him to tell lying talk, American custom.
It is sinful to legal laws of America for poets, actoresses, politicians, burglary and other authors to put-in advertisements about theirselves. So it is difficulty for them. And yet they do it. How so? By becoming so active that newspaper-print is irrisistable to talk about it. Maybe actoress lose jewel-clasp. Burglary take it. She report as follows, “Oh my!”
“What is difficulty of health, Hon. Madam?” require reporter gentleman who is there.
“I have losed it my jewel-clasp,” she defy.
“Thank you for knowledge,” personify thisHon. Reporter, “While you are speeching about, tell me of your marriages, please, as well as of other family disconnections.”
So loud report of one column duration appear by next news-print. Maybe lady noveletter name of Mrs. McGlinny come over to here from kingdom of London with book by title “Three Months.” She enjoy great quiet, thank you, for that length of time. At finally “Mothers of Rebellion,” sweet-hearted collection of ladies, decry, “Come and speech before us at dine-table, please.”
“So pleasant to do,” digest this Hon. Mrs. McGlinny. “I will speech of what happened in them 3 months.”
“Oh, not to do!” abrupt them mothers. “We do not permit such talk before husbands, please.”
“O considerably well!” dement Mrs. McGlinny, striking piano with angry rage. Immediately she make rapid transit to newspaper press. Some talk is made with reporter and by following morning the below headlines is to appear:
SUCH HORRID BOOK!
Is “Three Months” Thus?
IT IS; AND WE WILL GIVE PRIZES TO PERSONWHO READS IT LEAST
By next morning one thousand million copy of this book is entirely exhausted and publisher is despondent because so fatigued.
From Boston I discover this communication which cover ½ page of all-American newspaper:
“American citizens are you all-time foolish? Hon. Abe Lincoln say you are considerably so. I agree to this, thank you! Then why you no buy stocks when I told you it was? I enquire did I not told you how stock market would do something soon? It done something. Did I not told you amalgamation of copper would go to somewhere? It follow that program. Then bought as much as convenient please, or else sell or do something!!!“Take advice for it. You are in finger-nails of sharks. System, that hard-eye system, will squeeze, squeeze till blood-drop refuses to enjoy pain. Therefore, do it now!“I will speech one last word before saying more. On afternoon of Feb. 22 keep eye-watch on tick-tock of stock. If nothing happen then it will be postponed.“I often tell you to think. That will be good practice. Persons enjoying wealth is recommended to invest it. Persons having none is advised to keep it.“Thomas W. Lawson.”
“American citizens are you all-time foolish? Hon. Abe Lincoln say you are considerably so. I agree to this, thank you! Then why you no buy stocks when I told you it was? I enquire did I not told you how stock market would do something soon? It done something. Did I not told you amalgamation of copper would go to somewhere? It follow that program. Then bought as much as convenient please, or else sell or do something!!!
“Take advice for it. You are in finger-nails of sharks. System, that hard-eye system, will squeeze, squeeze till blood-drop refuses to enjoy pain. Therefore, do it now!
“I will speech one last word before saying more. On afternoon of Feb. 22 keep eye-watch on tick-tock of stock. If nothing happen then it will be postponed.
“I often tell you to think. That will be good practice. Persons enjoying wealth is recommended to invest it. Persons having none is advised to keep it.
“Thomas W. Lawson.”
This letter of correspondence is wrote by memory. Perhaps it is wrong in places. I am often wonderful about this Hon. Lawson man. Is he running for President or merely for fun? I ask to know.
So this American kingdom go rapidly with speed because of steam of them advertising. American gentleman enjoys great smartness inside of brain. He say “No use of doing nothing for nobody if nobody knows.” So type-setting, bill-stucking, paint-drawing is done. Violets is permitted to blush behind something in these U.S. They usually does this blushing performance behind sign-board saying “50c per bunch.” If Hon. Lawson, Hon. Bryan, Hon. Kipling can not get jobs of employment without some advertisement, how can Japanese Boy do so? This question make me put in that item of ideas to wanting-column of news.
Maybe it will be responded for. I am patient to hope.
Yours truly,
Hashimura Togo.
S. P.—Labouring Unions of Pacific Coast decry with voice, “Japanese is taking all variety of jobs from persons of white extraction.” Maybe so. But I have not been very fortunate in this branch of Yellow Peril, thank you.
H. T.