XXIIOLYMPUS GAMES AND INTERNATIONAL CEMENT
San Francisco, August 2d.
Editor New York Newspaper who are printed in several colours & deliver to doorstoop of Japanese Schoolboy filled with bright jokes & other serious thought.
Mr. Sir—For objeck of putting cement on affectionate relations between them loving relatives, America & Gt. Britten, there have been an entirely worldly feet-race and amateur circus shot off in England & called Olympus Games. Every branches of trapeez, handspring & strength exercises was indulged in for friendly rivalry. As result of them friendly rivalry Hon. Jim Bryce are enjoying some international strains in Washington, Hon. Whitelaw Reid are sorry he ever became a Brittish subjeck and Congress have ordered Hon. Hobson to build severalDreadnothingsand be quick about it.
Never yet have I heard two respecktable temperance kingdoms using such National League language upon each other without following somehostile demonstrations by land & sea. O surely war must follow! Did not Mr. Monroe in his famous Doctoring pledge to proteck American subjecks from bunko & outrage on foren shore? Do not the great Maggie Carter, famous document signed by King John, promus justice to all Brittish subjecks not of Irish birth? Then why should not America & England enjoy some more family splits? Why should not Adm. Thos. Lipton bring regatta of war-boats into N. Y. bay & seize Y. M. C. A. Athletick Club as spoil of war while America fleet are away shaking hands with Australia?
I require no answer.
Them Olympus Games are a great event for all Nationalities with excepting of Japanese who is too civilized to enjoy such rude fights. Such games is a considerable antique, for they was invented at Battle of Marathon in a previousB. C.time. On them occasion a Grecian boy run 27 mile to get away from Hon. Persians & was declare a champion by Honduras, mayor of Athens.
This year it were decide to hold them Olympus games at England, because English athletes can win nearly everything when surrounded by Brittish sentiment with sufficient Police near to see that all rules is broken in a quiet & orderly manner.Before Hon. Games was shot off Hon. Brittish Athletick Committee set together for regulation of events. Following were decide on by dignified majority:
1—English spirit of fair play must be visible everywheres. Hon. Judge must be just to all nations so long as England are ahead.2—When England are losing Hon. Judge can prevent this by ruling Americans out of race for ungentlemanly conduct.3—When American athlete are doing some up-jump exercises British publick are warned not to assist him by courteous remarks. When compelled to speak they will be permitted to say “Boo!” “Obtain a horse!” or other wits of local flavour.4—Since Hon. America has got a rawcuss voice several disputes is bound to occur. So long as such fights is Parlamentry & corteous, we do not objeck to it. Therefore we snuggest following form of debate for all disputes:Hon. American Committee—Why you dishqualify American run-man from 400-meater race?Hon. Brittish Committee—Because he are a fraud of considerable professional trix. Also we suspect he murder his mother in Omaha.Hon. Am. Com.—When you begin to suspect all them horble crime against that young man?Hon. Brit. Com.—When he got 50 yard ahead of Brittish runner in race.Hon. Am. Com.—Will you permit-it for Hon. America run-man to race it again & show how swiftly he can?Hon. Brit. Com.—Answer is, No!! Because he could run several footsteps better than Hon. Brittish run-man who would be beat. It are slavish to be beat. Brittens seldom shall be slaves.Hon. Am. Com.—If our runs is the swiftest should they not have the most medals pinned all over them?Hon. Brit. Com.—The race are not always for the swiftest, Hon. Sir—not while Brittish gods are ruling Olympus!5—After above dyelog rioting, cat-calling & other sports shall be enjoyed & American athletes can go home or to any other blazes they seen fit.
1—English spirit of fair play must be visible everywheres. Hon. Judge must be just to all nations so long as England are ahead.
2—When England are losing Hon. Judge can prevent this by ruling Americans out of race for ungentlemanly conduct.
3—When American athlete are doing some up-jump exercises British publick are warned not to assist him by courteous remarks. When compelled to speak they will be permitted to say “Boo!” “Obtain a horse!” or other wits of local flavour.
4—Since Hon. America has got a rawcuss voice several disputes is bound to occur. So long as such fights is Parlamentry & corteous, we do not objeck to it. Therefore we snuggest following form of debate for all disputes:
Hon. American Committee—Why you dishqualify American run-man from 400-meater race?Hon. Brittish Committee—Because he are a fraud of considerable professional trix. Also we suspect he murder his mother in Omaha.Hon. Am. Com.—When you begin to suspect all them horble crime against that young man?Hon. Brit. Com.—When he got 50 yard ahead of Brittish runner in race.Hon. Am. Com.—Will you permit-it for Hon. America run-man to race it again & show how swiftly he can?Hon. Brit. Com.—Answer is, No!! Because he could run several footsteps better than Hon. Brittish run-man who would be beat. It are slavish to be beat. Brittens seldom shall be slaves.Hon. Am. Com.—If our runs is the swiftest should they not have the most medals pinned all over them?Hon. Brit. Com.—The race are not always for the swiftest, Hon. Sir—not while Brittish gods are ruling Olympus!
Hon. American Committee—Why you dishqualify American run-man from 400-meater race?
Hon. Brittish Committee—Because he are a fraud of considerable professional trix. Also we suspect he murder his mother in Omaha.
Hon. Am. Com.—When you begin to suspect all them horble crime against that young man?
Hon. Brit. Com.—When he got 50 yard ahead of Brittish runner in race.
Hon. Am. Com.—Will you permit-it for Hon. America run-man to race it again & show how swiftly he can?
Hon. Brit. Com.—Answer is, No!! Because he could run several footsteps better than Hon. Brittish run-man who would be beat. It are slavish to be beat. Brittens seldom shall be slaves.
Hon. Am. Com.—If our runs is the swiftest should they not have the most medals pinned all over them?
Hon. Brit. Com.—The race are not always for the swiftest, Hon. Sir—not while Brittish gods are ruling Olympus!
5—After above dyelog rioting, cat-calling & other sports shall be enjoyed & American athletes can go home or to any other blazes they seen fit.
While attempting a slumber on couch of room Uncle Nichi & Cousin Nogi come in & make a joint debate with loud voices, which is very carelus about my health.
“Hon. LondonTimesdecuss 400-meater-run in an entirely Christian way,” corrode Uncle Nichi who lacks dog-sense like O-Fido. “Them great & pompus news-print say: ‘It were a unfortunate incident—therefore it are closed.’”
“LondonTimesknow-how to be nice to Americans on all occasions,” explode Nogi. “She speak of 400-meater run like she speak of Revolutional War & other uncleaned things.”
“America beat English in Revolutional War,” rasp Uncle for discovery.
“Of sure she did,” obligate Nogi, “but on them occasion she was the home team. If such a wars had been fot on Brittish soil maybe Hon. Geo. Washington would of been dishqualified for crowding Gen. Corn Wallace off track. Facts of history is often shaved by such close razors.”
“Sport between such great nations should be gentle & just, whitewashed with truth & free of grafts,” commute Unc.
“So should Christianity, Socialism & Hearst Independence Leg,” otter Nogi, “but are they?”
“Them great kingdoms should meet in a amature spirit,” I gap, because can’t sleep by racket.
“What you mean by ‘amature spirit’?” require Nichi.
“When Primrose Athletick Club & Telegraf Hill Wonders meet in vacated lot to enjoy baseball, then amature spirit are observed,” say Nogi. “Hon. Casey go to bat-stick. Some ball-throws is indulged for vain clubbing. ‘Outside, please!’ yall Hon. Empire. ‘Liar, please!’ jacklate Primrose Athleticks in unicorn. Language is thrown everywheres followed by bat-sticks, grand-stands, etc., which is beaten upon skull until intermission by Hon. Police.”
“And yet should civilized persons feel so bleed-thirsty about innocent & friendly sport?” ask Uncle to know.
“More fraxures, murders, assault & batters, divorces & strangles is caused by innocent & friendly sport than by jelousy, love, maniac, drunk & any other branch of crime excepting of Life Insurance. Look on blotter of Hon. Crime Court & see what blots appear there for following crimes:
Hon. Pat Sweeney, occupation brick-batter—crime, justifiable homocide on innocent & friendly Umpire who decide against home team. Discharged with honour.Hon. Aug. Smutz, occupation German—crime, shoot and chop-up best friend while try toteech him innocent & friendly game of pinocle. Hanged because poor.Hon. Archybald Smith, occupation Pickle Trust—crime, knocking brains from a clergy with a mallet because he cheet in innocent & friendly game of crokay. Saved by unwritten law & 6 weeks in Mattywan with French chef.Hon. J. D. Rockpiler, occupation grand larceny—crime, giving rebates to a golf-caddy. Fine, $29,000,000 with liberal discount in Court of Peals.Hon. Mrs. Wilkins, occupation social vagrant—crime, bridge-play while house was afire & husband broiled. Discharged by advice of husband who was a first offense.Hon. Eli. McYale, alias “Spud,” alias “Locomotive,” alias “Kangaroo,” occupation college-student—crime, feetball with intent to kill. Out on bale till after feetball season when he will come back, please, and be electrocuted.Hon. Ripi Gavotti & Hon. Peter Hooley, occupation neighbours—crime, mayhem committed while watching a innocent & friendly dog-fight. Hon. Gavotti bite away ear from Hon. Hooley to prove he got the most intelligent dog. Prisoners discharged by Judge who also love dogs.
Hon. Pat Sweeney, occupation brick-batter—crime, justifiable homocide on innocent & friendly Umpire who decide against home team. Discharged with honour.
Hon. Aug. Smutz, occupation German—crime, shoot and chop-up best friend while try toteech him innocent & friendly game of pinocle. Hanged because poor.
Hon. Archybald Smith, occupation Pickle Trust—crime, knocking brains from a clergy with a mallet because he cheet in innocent & friendly game of crokay. Saved by unwritten law & 6 weeks in Mattywan with French chef.
Hon. J. D. Rockpiler, occupation grand larceny—crime, giving rebates to a golf-caddy. Fine, $29,000,000 with liberal discount in Court of Peals.
Hon. Mrs. Wilkins, occupation social vagrant—crime, bridge-play while house was afire & husband broiled. Discharged by advice of husband who was a first offense.
Hon. Eli. McYale, alias “Spud,” alias “Locomotive,” alias “Kangaroo,” occupation college-student—crime, feetball with intent to kill. Out on bale till after feetball season when he will come back, please, and be electrocuted.
Hon. Ripi Gavotti & Hon. Peter Hooley, occupation neighbours—crime, mayhem committed while watching a innocent & friendly dog-fight. Hon. Gavotti bite away ear from Hon. Hooley to prove he got the most intelligent dog. Prisoners discharged by Judge who also love dogs.
When Uncle Nichi hear-it all them record of horble crimes he become seriously Japanese.
“O-so!” he-say, “Must there be a war between America & England because of a mere feet-race?”
“If a mere feet-race can’t start a war, nothing can. Who can imagine them two great & dignified peoples making such hell-baloo over seal-fisheries or boundery-line between U. S. & Canada or small trifle like annexation of Ireland? Did Brittish publick stand around and yall ‘Boo!’ to rattle American diplomat during contest of Hay-Pauncefaute treaty? Ah no! But when a craven foe land on Brittish soil to peril sacred rite of hop-skip-and-jump what son of Brittania so callus not to scream?”
“I got a poem,” I say for headache. “It sound delicious in Japanese—therefore excuse following translation:
The Lion to the Eagly say, “We two is one same feather;We done too much of sware & fite—now let us play together.”So on them nice Olympus road they meet some games to try out—The Eagly-bird he watch his chance & scrape them Lion’s eye out.“Fowl play!” all Lion Cubs they cry; so all them beasts they pair offAnd Lion claws make feathers fly while Eagly’s tear-off hair-off.Them Lion-dog make rory-rores as in the race he led offAnd when he reach the second lap he eat them Eagly’s head off.The Birds & Beasts of all the world they cry with looks appealing,“O such a comick way to start a Era of Good Feeling!“It once was ‘Hands Across the Sea—’ but now we got the notionThat all the instinck that they got is ‘Claws Across the Ocean.’“There’s nothing like them Ties of Blood to keep such friends together—There goes the Lion’s other eye—there goes a Eagly feather!”And so they fot till they was weak, and then they sadly went offTo count their scratches, dress their wounds—and pick that darn Cement off.
The Lion to the Eagly say, “We two is one same feather;We done too much of sware & fite—now let us play together.”So on them nice Olympus road they meet some games to try out—The Eagly-bird he watch his chance & scrape them Lion’s eye out.“Fowl play!” all Lion Cubs they cry; so all them beasts they pair offAnd Lion claws make feathers fly while Eagly’s tear-off hair-off.Them Lion-dog make rory-rores as in the race he led offAnd when he reach the second lap he eat them Eagly’s head off.The Birds & Beasts of all the world they cry with looks appealing,“O such a comick way to start a Era of Good Feeling!“It once was ‘Hands Across the Sea—’ but now we got the notionThat all the instinck that they got is ‘Claws Across the Ocean.’“There’s nothing like them Ties of Blood to keep such friends together—There goes the Lion’s other eye—there goes a Eagly feather!”And so they fot till they was weak, and then they sadly went offTo count their scratches, dress their wounds—and pick that darn Cement off.
The Lion to the Eagly say, “We two is one same feather;We done too much of sware & fite—now let us play together.”
The Lion to the Eagly say, “We two is one same feather;
We done too much of sware & fite—now let us play together.”
So on them nice Olympus road they meet some games to try out—The Eagly-bird he watch his chance & scrape them Lion’s eye out.
So on them nice Olympus road they meet some games to try out—
The Eagly-bird he watch his chance & scrape them Lion’s eye out.
“Fowl play!” all Lion Cubs they cry; so all them beasts they pair offAnd Lion claws make feathers fly while Eagly’s tear-off hair-off.
“Fowl play!” all Lion Cubs they cry; so all them beasts they pair off
And Lion claws make feathers fly while Eagly’s tear-off hair-off.
Them Lion-dog make rory-rores as in the race he led offAnd when he reach the second lap he eat them Eagly’s head off.
Them Lion-dog make rory-rores as in the race he led off
And when he reach the second lap he eat them Eagly’s head off.
The Birds & Beasts of all the world they cry with looks appealing,“O such a comick way to start a Era of Good Feeling!
The Birds & Beasts of all the world they cry with looks appealing,
“O such a comick way to start a Era of Good Feeling!
“It once was ‘Hands Across the Sea—’ but now we got the notionThat all the instinck that they got is ‘Claws Across the Ocean.’
“It once was ‘Hands Across the Sea—’ but now we got the notion
That all the instinck that they got is ‘Claws Across the Ocean.’
“There’s nothing like them Ties of Blood to keep such friends together—There goes the Lion’s other eye—there goes a Eagly feather!”
“There’s nothing like them Ties of Blood to keep such friends together—
There goes the Lion’s other eye—there goes a Eagly feather!”
And so they fot till they was weak, and then they sadly went offTo count their scratches, dress their wounds—and pick that darn Cement off.
And so they fot till they was weak, and then they sadly went off
To count their scratches, dress their wounds—and pick that darn Cement off.
Mr. Editor, entire trouble with them Olympus games was that American athletes was handicapped by English sense of Fair Play which are a famous & sacred thing & will stop at nothing when it get a chance. English Fair Play have always been a deliciously important fackter in her Colonial Policy. It were that same holy fire what give to America a Stamp Act & Taxation without Representations; send Lord Clive on famous jewel-robberies among Moguls what was entirely pagan & needed doing; force hon. opium-smoke down palate of Hon. China so she would sleep better; and sley Mary, Queen of Scotch, with a hatchet because she live in the suburbs.
What-say renewed Irish Orator about England. He-say, “O perfidious Albino!” I am sly about repeating such mean curses.
Strength of Hon. England are this: she can lie longer, steal stronger & look more respectable than any other ancient Nation now living. America is filled with disgusting Grafts, but Hon. England have got only a House of Lords decorated with coated arms & vested rights. London are poplus with Life Insurance Presidents disguised as Missionaries. If Jo-uncle Cannon had a accent made in Oxford & a suit of clothing made in Hanover Square he would not need to change his politicks before setting in the House of Lords. I are very nervous about England’s soul.
Cousin Nogi, who partly agree with me in some things, say, “I are joyfully congratulated not to be mixed up in such Olympus affairs.”
“English sense of Fair Play are a joke,” I scorch.
“Perhapsly that are why it are took so seriously in England,” make-up Nogi.
Hoping you are the same,
Yours truly,
Hashimura Togo.
S. P.—O-Fido, Hon. Pup to which I belong, show symptom of being a dash-hound.
“Call him Cassius,” say Sydney Katsu, Jr. “Why-it?” is inquiry for me.
“Hon. Shakespeare say about Cassius, ‘In him the elements so mixed up that all-world might stand around & say, “This was a dog.”’”
H. T.