XXIXSTANDARD OILING ACROSS PARTY LINES
San Francisco, October 4th.
Editor New York Newspaper which ought to act kind of sweet & gentle to Prairie Dog Refined & Oily Co. of Oklahoma because they are a Small Dealer and has a Hard Stroggle.
Hon. Mr.—“There are nothing more meaner and sneeky than to took money from children, cripples & other idiots,” say Arthur Kickahajama yesterday with brite smile of truth.
“There are one thing more meaner & sneeky,” I dib for Loo Darkstutter expression.
“What could be?” are sharp report for Arthur.
“To took money from Standard Oil are more meaner,” I say it.
“Can not Hon. Standard Oil afford to lose such money?” corporate Arthur.
“Ah yes,” I stupify, “but seldom persons can afford to accept it.”
“I could receive such a gifts,” say Arthur.
“Hush it,” are hiss from me; “who knows what? Maybe Hon. Hearst have got you already on sporty page beside portrait of Jno. D. Rockefellerat sinful age of 13. Maybe you are already politickly dead and buried under following headline:
HE TOOK IT!!
PUSSITIVE PROOF THAT ARTHURT. KICKAHAJAMA, FOOLISH MISSIONARYBOY, RECEIVE 2C STAMP FROMOIL TRUST!!”
“O please excuse!” say Arthur for pale chop. “I have not yet took them Standard Oily money have I?”
“Not yet, but when?” say I nervusly. “You must now be in constant state of collapse. Any moment something might happen. Each hour post-officer might make door-ring with yellow envelop.
“‘Why I get this envelop?’ you require of post-officer with Japanese puzzle of brain.
“‘Perhaps something are inside of it,’ snuggest Hon. Carry-it.
“‘What would be inside of such a envelop?’ you ask to know.
“‘From experience I suspect it are a letter,’ say Hon. Mailer.
“You rap open envelop—and O surely so, itarea letter! It begin with usual form,
“‘My dear Senator—I enclose a tiny check for household expenses. When front porch needs paint & carpenter telegraph me by wire & don’t mention it.“‘Your obedient master,“‘John D. Archybold.’
“‘My dear Senator—I enclose a tiny check for household expenses. When front porch needs paint & carpenter telegraph me by wire & don’t mention it.
“‘Your obedient master,
“‘John D. Archybold.’
“From envelop fall a slice of paper. You pick up & read with entirely cross eyes. It say $50,000.”
“What I do then?” muse Arthur with moist lips.
“If you are a decent man you will faint slightly. But it are no use. Already you are a ruined Japanese.
“You go forthly to street-walk revolved to lead a better life & brace uply. You should like to be honest. How useless! With quaker feeling of ankles you straggle to saloon of Hon. Strunsky, Irish patriot.
“‘Please Hon. Mr.,’ you sub, ‘one humbel job for poor Japanese who can still mop away beer at $.10 per hourly payment.’
“‘What references got, please?’ dib Hon. Strunsky.
“You become entirely tonsilitis for answer. Shameful blushes from ears & eyebrows. You gollup & your breath is full of pants.
“‘Speech immediately!’ growly them famous bartend. ‘Already I have 6 costomers awaiting to get drunk. Again I ask to know: What references you got?’
“‘I got here letter from Jno. D. Archybold of 26 Broadway,’ you reject with soul full of clams.
“‘What say?’ dib them Strunsky with N. Y.Journalnoise. ‘You come to my clean saloon asking for 1 position of publick trust and are sneekretly carrying around with you a letter what would not be tolerated in the U. S. Senate? You would be noticeable even in Pennsylvania!’
“And with them remark he roll you over beer-kag by family entrance. Night approach and you are alone with your scratches.”
“And what next?” require Arthur with bumped imagination.
“Ain’t no next for you and Gov. Haskle,” are reproach from me.
“Yet a singed worm will twist,” submit Arthur. “Would Gov. Haskle make sweet-dog smile to Hon. Roosevelt when he are enjoying all them delicious scratches?”
“Perhapsly might,” am regard I make.
“What-say famous saw-wisdom?” require Arthur. “It-say, ‘Scratch a Russian and you strike a Tartar.’”
“Scratch a Senator and you strike Oil,” are smart quotation for Japanese Schoolboy.
Hon. Roosevelt have just called Hon. Bryan a Chimera. That were a very mean curse. A Chimera, Mr. Editor, are a horid nature-fakediscovered in a vacant lott by Baccus, a prominent Greek drunkard. This queery mammal start in to resemble a goat, but he lost interest in the subjeck about the middle of his body, so he continue on backwards in a squimyform appendix to look like a bow constricktor. The goatly part of this beast, Mr. Editor, are mild and fond of common people and he love to nibble vegetarian diet in Utopia where he live; but the rear extension of that Chimera continue to point in the direction of Wall Street where it make wig-wag signals of distress. The farm-yard part of them Chimera were born in 1896, but the wiggly part were nailed on at the Denver Convention this year.
Hon. John Burro say that animals do not think. The Chimera are an animal. Hon. Roosevelt agree with John Burro on all subjecks.
Hon. Hearst, when he discover Hon. Haskle and Hon. Forker in act of Standard Oiling, done a pretty fine servis to this kingdom of America. When I think of all that good he done I extend my hand to Hon. Hearst—and then apologize to my Hand. That were a pretty nice stab which Hon. Hearst made, not because he hated Haskle less, but because he hated Bryan more.
S. Wanda, Japanese Socialist, say that Hon.Hearst done what he did for love of truth & justis. Hope so he did! But when Hon. Hearst do things for love of truth & justis I enjoy suspicious feeling of elbow. I am reminded of a mustylogical legend of antique Japan.
Ten thousand entire years before Hon. Darwin discovered monkeys in England there reside in Kyoto a politician name Suki-ho who run for Supervisor on Democratick ticket & was beat by a nother politician name Yen-Yen. When this result was happened Hon. Suki-ho enjoy such angry rages he turn entirely blue & blow smoke through ears. Oftenly he motter, “I make a lay-to for this Yen-Yen.”
One day when it was serious heat of July Hon. Suki-ho meet a entirely mad dog & enjoy being bit on ankle.
“O banzai of joy!” decry this patient. “I soonly shall develop a rabbi. Then I shall bite my dog O-Fido so he will get it.”
“Why you wish bite O-Fido?” require all neighbour for shocky voice. “You got grouches for them nice pet?”
“O-Fido are sweet companion,” arnicate that Suki-ho, “but I shall deelight to see him bite pet dog of Hon. Yen-Yen with a wild germ.”
“You got gruj for them lap-dog of Hon. Yen-Yen?” they ask it.
“Not by no means,” erupt Hon. Suki-ho, “but if I bite O-Fido & O-Fido bite lap-dog of Yen-Yen, then lap-dog will bite Yen-Yen—andheare the sinful crawfishing malefactor I are anxious to get equal with.”
Mr. Editor, they was not no Pastor Institute in them days, so Hon. Suki-ho were hit in skull with pick-ax before he could snarl at O-Fido. And it were too bad, because Hon. Yen-Yen’s dog were a pretty predatory canan.
Mr. Editor, what-say Hon. Matt Luther in Germany some bye-gones since? He say, “Be true to your trust and you will get reward in Heaven.” Numberous American patriots has make hark-up to them words of Hon. Luther & been very useful to both Parties. But they got their rewards in several kinds of elsewhere. Hon. Haskle was true to his trust & got his reward in Oklahoma. Hon. Forker was true to his trust and got his reward in bank deposits. Both are good ways to know.
Them two extinguished statesmen are alike to Matt Luther in another way. Hon. Luther enjoyed a Diet of Worms. Hon. Haskle & Hon. Forker are now enjoying a Diet of Wormwood and feeling considerable gall about it. And Hon.Roosevelt are having more fun than he can shake a Stick at.
Hoping you are the same,
Yours truly,
Hashimura Togo.
O screaming!Last night when it was entirely p. m. by larm clock (kindness loan of Cousin Nogi)An American claw-birdMade perching on my dreamAnd skreech!I enjoy a very swift night-horse.I dream them claw-birdApproach to me with yellow envelopeOf deliciously oiled appearance.I ope it for rapture,Then wisht I hadn’t.For inside were a note which say“My dear Senator—“Please find enclosed check for $30,000 which ain’t here but are on deposit in second pawnshop around corner. Make eye-wink signal to clerk and see what happen. We received that pipe-line you sent us from Washington. Awful thanks. Send another.“Yours for business“Jno. D. Archybold.“S. P.—Mr. Hearst have already got a copy of this letter, so you can destroy.”I read them dreamy letterWith laughing soul—I are famous already!How proud my Ancestors and their folks will be to know that Hashimura Togo, ambitious boy, have stole $30,000 and done so honestly!I put on derby,I put on gum-slippersAnd make sneek-walk to second pawnshop around corner—But alast!When I got there it were closed.I knock-knock—I hear noise like a mystery behind door-knob,“Who there?”“Friend from Oklahoma!” I dib deceptively.When low!Door burst outlyAnd earnest gentlemanWith expression of eternal vigilance committeeAnd Big Club by brite spektacles and teethRush out for hit.“Haskle!” say he,“Rascal!” say-me.“Then you are him!” say angry Vision making dents in my thoughtful brain.“No, I are another Haskle,” I choke off—“I are Jim Haskle,A far distant cousin,Or something else.”“Ha-ho!” laugh them Vengeance,“Then please to told me——”But I are saved such humilityBy being kicked out of bedBy Sydney Katsu, Jr.,My share-bunk.O praise to Heaven,Praise to Ancestors,Praise to Sydney Katsu, Jr.,I have rather be kickedOut of 1,000 bunksBy a Friendly FootThan out of 1 Democratick PartyBy a Independence Leg.
O screaming!Last night when it was entirely p. m. by larm clock (kindness loan of Cousin Nogi)An American claw-birdMade perching on my dreamAnd skreech!I enjoy a very swift night-horse.I dream them claw-birdApproach to me with yellow envelopeOf deliciously oiled appearance.I ope it for rapture,Then wisht I hadn’t.For inside were a note which say“My dear Senator—“Please find enclosed check for $30,000 which ain’t here but are on deposit in second pawnshop around corner. Make eye-wink signal to clerk and see what happen. We received that pipe-line you sent us from Washington. Awful thanks. Send another.“Yours for business“Jno. D. Archybold.“S. P.—Mr. Hearst have already got a copy of this letter, so you can destroy.”I read them dreamy letterWith laughing soul—I are famous already!How proud my Ancestors and their folks will be to know that Hashimura Togo, ambitious boy, have stole $30,000 and done so honestly!I put on derby,I put on gum-slippersAnd make sneek-walk to second pawnshop around corner—But alast!When I got there it were closed.I knock-knock—I hear noise like a mystery behind door-knob,“Who there?”“Friend from Oklahoma!” I dib deceptively.When low!Door burst outlyAnd earnest gentlemanWith expression of eternal vigilance committeeAnd Big Club by brite spektacles and teethRush out for hit.“Haskle!” say he,“Rascal!” say-me.“Then you are him!” say angry Vision making dents in my thoughtful brain.“No, I are another Haskle,” I choke off—“I are Jim Haskle,A far distant cousin,Or something else.”“Ha-ho!” laugh them Vengeance,“Then please to told me——”But I are saved such humilityBy being kicked out of bedBy Sydney Katsu, Jr.,My share-bunk.O praise to Heaven,Praise to Ancestors,Praise to Sydney Katsu, Jr.,I have rather be kickedOut of 1,000 bunksBy a Friendly FootThan out of 1 Democratick PartyBy a Independence Leg.
O screaming!Last night when it was entirely p. m. by larm clock (kindness loan of Cousin Nogi)An American claw-birdMade perching on my dreamAnd skreech!I enjoy a very swift night-horse.I dream them claw-birdApproach to me with yellow envelopeOf deliciously oiled appearance.I ope it for rapture,Then wisht I hadn’t.For inside were a note which say“My dear Senator—“Please find enclosed check for $30,000 which ain’t here but are on deposit in second pawnshop around corner. Make eye-wink signal to clerk and see what happen. We received that pipe-line you sent us from Washington. Awful thanks. Send another.“Yours for business“Jno. D. Archybold.“S. P.—Mr. Hearst have already got a copy of this letter, so you can destroy.”
O screaming!
Last night when it was entirely p. m. by larm clock (kindness loan of Cousin Nogi)
An American claw-bird
Made perching on my dream
And skreech!
I enjoy a very swift night-horse.
I dream them claw-bird
Approach to me with yellow envelope
Of deliciously oiled appearance.
I ope it for rapture,
Then wisht I hadn’t.
For inside were a note which say
“My dear Senator—
“Please find enclosed check for $30,000 which ain’t here but are on deposit in second pawnshop around corner. Make eye-wink signal to clerk and see what happen. We received that pipe-line you sent us from Washington. Awful thanks. Send another.
“Yours for business
“Jno. D. Archybold.
“S. P.—Mr. Hearst have already got a copy of this letter, so you can destroy.”
I read them dreamy letterWith laughing soul—I are famous already!How proud my Ancestors and their folks will be to know that Hashimura Togo, ambitious boy, have stole $30,000 and done so honestly!I put on derby,I put on gum-slippersAnd make sneek-walk to second pawnshop around corner—But alast!When I got there it were closed.I knock-knock—I hear noise like a mystery behind door-knob,“Who there?”“Friend from Oklahoma!” I dib deceptively.
I read them dreamy letter
With laughing soul—
I are famous already!
How proud my Ancestors and their folks will be to know that Hashimura Togo, ambitious boy, have stole $30,000 and done so honestly!
I put on derby,
I put on gum-slippers
And make sneek-walk to second pawnshop around corner—
But alast!
When I got there it were closed.
I knock-knock—
I hear noise like a mystery behind door-knob,
“Who there?”
“Friend from Oklahoma!” I dib deceptively.
When low!Door burst outlyAnd earnest gentlemanWith expression of eternal vigilance committeeAnd Big Club by brite spektacles and teethRush out for hit.“Haskle!” say he,“Rascal!” say-me.“Then you are him!” say angry Vision making dents in my thoughtful brain.“No, I are another Haskle,” I choke off—“I are Jim Haskle,A far distant cousin,Or something else.”“Ha-ho!” laugh them Vengeance,“Then please to told me——”
When low!
Door burst outly
And earnest gentleman
With expression of eternal vigilance committee
And Big Club by brite spektacles and teeth
Rush out for hit.
“Haskle!” say he,
“Rascal!” say-me.
“Then you are him!” say angry Vision making dents in my thoughtful brain.
“No, I are another Haskle,” I choke off—
“I are Jim Haskle,
A far distant cousin,
Or something else.”
“Ha-ho!” laugh them Vengeance,
“Then please to told me——”
But I are saved such humilityBy being kicked out of bedBy Sydney Katsu, Jr.,My share-bunk.O praise to Heaven,Praise to Ancestors,Praise to Sydney Katsu, Jr.,I have rather be kickedOut of 1,000 bunksBy a Friendly FootThan out of 1 Democratick PartyBy a Independence Leg.
But I are saved such humility
By being kicked out of bed
By Sydney Katsu, Jr.,
My share-bunk.
O praise to Heaven,
Praise to Ancestors,
Praise to Sydney Katsu, Jr.,
I have rather be kicked
Out of 1,000 bunks
By a Friendly Foot
Than out of 1 Democratick Party
By a Independence Leg.