XXMY CONCEPTION OF THE PRESIDENCY

San Francisco, July 25th.

To Editor New York Newspaper which are eeger to make a fare judge for thoughts of all Great Mans, however sneeking & hummbel they may be:

Dear Sir—At same moment while I are inking these thoughts for fond reminder, two somewhat immortal Americans is listening for formal announcement that they are expected to be Presidents. They have got a slight suspicion that maybe they was mentioned for some job, but it would be very bad tasty for them to look otherwise than surprise when Hon. Committee with flours make step-up and say-out, “You are a Nominate!”

Hon. Taft are at Warm Springs training for strength so that he will not die a shocky death when he learn this suddenly. At humbel village of Lincoln, Neb., where Hon. Bryan live like a Grand Duke of simple taste, that eminent representator of Common Persons set by bay-window enjoying nervous collapse.

“Set quiet, Hon. Wm., and look courageous likea photo,” say Hon. Wife to be. “Tumult & shouting die and who knows what?” “I are strangely disturb,” say Wm., arranging his face to look like a famous Roman janitor. “Something tell me that maybe I are nominate to highest office in gift of Tammany Hall. Pretty soonly Hon. Committee must come riding up-hill to say it, and I hope they will be darnly quick about it. At first I must be astonished speechless—but I can seldom remain long in such a conditions. I must hesitate & comprise myself with slightly cracked voice for emotion, then I must read typewritten address of 280,000 words of a entirely impromptu nature. O surely Politicks is filled with surprises!”

Mr. Editor, some weeks in passed-by Hon. Taft & Hon. Bryan wrote a delicious page of large tipe for your paper on subjeck, “My Conception of the Presidency.” Of surely them two Presidents know what-is they are talking about. Speeches of Hon. Taft is found in rolls of Fame, and speeches of Hon. Bryan is found in rolls of Edison Phonograf. And yet there was something deceptive & sidewise about them articles they wrote for your paper because they sounded so. Hon. Taft say:

A President should be like Hon. Roosevelt, only less so. He should be like a piano of upright build with some grand square qualities. He should be the First Magistrate and alsothe Principal Policeman in the kingdom. He should be good as he are lonesome. He should treat all Trusts in a beastly manner and uphold Truth & Justice so long as it do not hurt National Prosperity. I shall do all these things, thank you, orders promptly attended to, telephone service day & night. Also I shall look just as much like Hon. Abe Lincoln as health & strength will permit me to do it.

Hon. Bryan say:

A President should be like Hon. Theodore Roosevelt only more so. Malefactors, etc., needs not cringe off from me for fearful that I will burn up America when I am elected. Because I can’t. A President are only a bluff. He don’t amount to a rolling-pin. Hon. American Govt. are a system of checks & balances, so a President are deliciously powerless when he wish to reform it. I promise to be helpless as possible. Could I reform Hon. Currancy from jaggy path of debochery by feeding him Gold Cure or something? Ah no! What could I do with them naughty Currency when Senator Alrich are tempting him away with rakish eye-wink? To increase weakness of my position I am willing to consult Hon. Vice-President on all matters of no importance and talk kindly to him on National subjecks where common-sense are not expected. I believe in deep breathing & outdoor exercise, but I are cross about that woolley tariff of sheep and should be insulted if offered a second term. Otherways I are willing to act like a Majority on all occasions and what I think about Brownsvill Affair are a matter of private conscience which I refuse to discuss by advice of Hon. Campaign Manager.

Mr. Editor, I entertain some scolds for you. How sinful to ask them there Hon. Candidates to write such opinions! When a man expect to be a President do you expect him to tell thecandied truth about what he think of the job? When a man are nominate for Dog Catcher he are often sly and deceptive before election—how then you expect a Nominee for Pres. of the U. S. to make crystal speeches which might be saw through at once and spoil everything? Nobody what are wistful about a job will tell exact truth about what he think. If I ask for job of Hon. Window Wash at Mills Bldg & Janitor Boss say: “Hashimura, told me transparently what you think of this job”—what I answer for reply? I-say: “It are a very delicate job of extreme fineness. It are a high-horse privilege for Japanese Boy to be able wash windows for Hon. Mills. Though it require great skill & couredge to shine such lofty glass pains, yet I flatten myself that I got such a power more briskly than other Japanese Boys which is apt to be laxy in sense of duty where it should be tightest. Hon. Janitor, I feel myself unworthy of such a jobs, yet I know I ain’t. Therefore give it to me because of merit.”

I say all them things, Mr. Editor, because I am a candidate for them high post of Window Wash. Therefore I am prejudicial about it. But if Hon. Janitor ask Cousin Nogi, who do not desire such a jobs because of his lazy spine, what-say Cousin Nogi? He-say: “A Window Wash require some muscles, but very little intelligence. HashimuraTogo are not safe to stand on such a altitudes because he thinks poems; therefore if he gets it he will swim off of 10th story window & burst his fooly neck.”

Hon. Taft & Hon. Bryan are too sympathetick with such jobs to talk straight. Why not ask some gentlemans what never expects to be White Housers to give view on Presidency? Hon. Hearst on “My Conception of the Presidency” would be very bright & could get Hon. Brisbane to write it for him. Hon. Alt. Parker, Hon. Patty McCarren, or Hon. John Wanamaker would talk deliciously true & sinical. But do not ask Hon. Forker, please, because he would write it “My Conception of the President” & decuss other nigger problems which are no longer a delicacy.

I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, where I go for get my cheek whittled, say-me: “Who could express such a conception about being a Pres., and not lie about it?”

“I could,” is answer for me. “I am best befatted for such a talk because I are entirely unsympathetick & not entitle to a white vote like Hon. Booker Washington and other darks.”

“Why you no write such a conception for newspaper?” is snuggestion from him.

“I are not yet requested,” is erupt from me.

“You are a modish violet,” is vocal from Hon. Suds. “Therefore say it secretly.”

“If I was President,” I rake out, “I should be divided into 2 parts. The ½ part of me should be radikal & kind of dangerous; but the other ½ portion should safely set upon the Constitution and keep it pressed.”

“Would such a double lives be decent?” commit Hon. Anazuma.

“In such high positions, yes,” I dabble. “A ideel Pres. of these U. S. should be a cross between Theodore Roosevelt & Chester A. Arthur. With one hand he should affectionately protect the interests of the People while with the other he should be nice to the people of the Interests. If it are necessary for him to be 2 places at once he must go there. When requested he must attend a Idaho Miners’ Noyesy Barbecue full of malice for them Hon. Malefactors; but he must not neglect a invitation to Insurance Scandalous Banquet where he can set by Hon. Paul Morton and talk like a Injunction.”

“So shocky!” say I. Anazuma with razor. “It are shamefully difficult to shave such a two-faced Japanese.”

“In antique times of pagan Rome,” I dib, “there was a deliciously heathen god named January whowas able to look in 2 directions with a double face. On one side he had a face like Hon. Judge Landis, on the other a expression like Hon. Judge Grosscup. When malefactors of great wealth go to Judge Landis side of them two-face idol they was filled with shivvers because of their sinful rebates; so they crawl around to Judge Grosscup side and was forgiven. But when malefactors of great poverty get in front of them Grosscup face to make kick against Olive Oil Trust, they almost went to jail for their crimes, so they hurry around to Judge Landis face and was comforted to know that taking rebates from Harriman was sinnier than taking silverware from a Soldiers’ Home.”

“I am delicious to know,” say Hon. Anazuma who are studying to be a Y. M. C. A., “that them heathen idol January were bursted by hatchets of early Christian parents.”

“He were finally bursted,” I rebuke, “but he last for several 1000’s of year & were a nicely successful god. He were popular like a circus for long lines of Hon. Politicians what wish to learn-how. What-say Mr. Vergil, famous Roman poeter, about them god January? He-say, ‘Get there, January!’ which have been a politickal motto every since.”

“Have that disgusting January got any temples in America?” require Hon. Anazuma.

“In Pennsylvania State Capitol there is pagan pictures of Hon. Mat Quay and other local gods,” I dib deceptively. “I shall not be wonderful if portrait of Hon. January are grafted among nearly everything else in that famous art saloon.”

“When you are President how you stand on publick ownership of R. Rs?” require Hon. Barb.

“About publick ownership I are safely insane,” I report. “Publick should be allowed to own R. R. gradually. With each Pullman ticket Hon. Passenger might get a blue transfer which entitle him to 1 share R. R. stock if he present it at office of Sec. of Agriculture 2,000,000 years from date.”

“Would American people get such a ownership then?” ask he.

“What say Wm. Jenny Bryan about publick ownership?” I reject. “He-say, ‘Publick ownership of R. Rs must take place in eventual time,’ Them 2,000,000 years from date will be a ‘eventual time,’ won’t it not?”

“In 2,000,000 year what would American publick own?” are question for Anazuma.

“At least they would own them blue transfer slips,” I renig with deceptive expression of a Campaign Contribution.

Late SundayP. M.Arthur Kickahajama give to me for Campaign Contribution a live dog whichis a Hon. Pup. It are a very infant mammal with a emotional tail and cultivated by flees. Arthur rescue them Dog while being kicked from a wharf by a educated gentleman who was drunk.

“It are a vulgar variety,” I snip for objection because I are nervous about expensive food for such a dum friend.

“It may grow up to be refined,” say Arthur carelessly.

“What breed of Dog are it?” is next fuss from me.

“Not certainly sure,” say Arthur. “Hon. Strunsky who are a sport say ‘It are a he-dog,’ so I suppose it are such a breed.”

I regard this Hon. Pup with thoughts. He throw me a very doggy gaze & thump banzai on floor with his snubbed appendix. My heart become soft-boiled with love. I can’t not turn a dog away in such a hot weather when he are apt to be bit by a rabbi & get it. So I possess him by chains and enjoy worry about his breed which are full of spots with a bursted ear.

S. Wanda, Japanese Socialist, say he should be named “Tariff” because he need revising immediately. Cousin Nogi announce, “He should be named ‘Injunction’ because he were kicked off a platform.”

“I shall not call such names to a mere dog,”I gratify. “Therefore I shall chrisen him ‘O-Fido’ what was name of a famous Japanese grocer what live happy for 1,000 year and died from being too joyful.”

So I got O-Fido in bedstead with me where he practise barks at Hon. Rats all night till Japanese persons sleeping in this house can not do so & report tearful complaints to Hon. Landlord who is a malefactor & say: “You are a nusance besides 3-week remit with rent.” Moral of this is: Be kind to them dum beasts & you will get paid off.

Yours truly,

Hashimura Togo.

S. P.—Who will be the First Baby in the Land now that Quentin Roosevelt have refused a Third Term? Little Charlie Taft are studying childish pranks so he can hold them position of Publick Cuteness. Hon. Steam Shovelers’ Union of Panama is first to give Hon. Taft a union card. Hon. Steam Rollers’ Union should be ashamed of their slowness!

H. T.

Back to Index Next