XXVHIGH TARIFF ON PRINCES
San Francisco, Sept. 1st.
To Editor of New York Newspaper which must be very marriageable person, if he has not already attended his own.
Hon. Mr.—Frank the Japanned Bootpolish, who is a mental Socialist, say me this statistick for peevish argument:
“Twenty-five thousand pairs of people is married together by each day in these U. S.”
“Such delicious number of happiness!” I commit, pointing to Utah on map.
“Of them 25,000 wedding ceremonies,” derange Frank with Harvard expression, “at leastly 23,000 is International Marriages, including, by police-record, following races: Huns, Finns, Siberians, Liberians, Polaks, Mollusks, Mazourkas, Dons, Otts, and Pennsylvanians.”
“Them races is told apart by washing them,” I deride for conversation.
“Of them 23,000 assorted foreigns getting married together by each day, maybe there is a few number with something queer about them;maybe 100 of them has clubbed feets, 50 of them is double-jointed dwarfs, 10 of them has two heads apiece, 6 of them is Siamese twins, and 1 or 2 of them is a Duke or something.”
“Do newspaper-press mention with loud excitement the marriage of all them Hon. Freaks?” I ask for knowledge.
“Seldom if any,” say Frank the Japanned Bootpolish. “What say Hon. Shakespeare about International Marriages? He-say, ‘When Princes wed there is such big show that other Hon. Freaks must crawl out under tent.’”
“Do you not say jokey-talk when you mention that Hon. Prince among other Hon. Freaks?” I inquire to know.
“Ah no!” rejoy that Frank. “Is not one Hon. Prince some Freak? Yes, surely so! Is not one baby born with crown on top of skull as curio to see as one baby born with six ears? Boots can be bet on it!”
“Too sad,” I collapse with tear-drop of eye. “When one Hon. Prince come to this U. S. persons should be more politeness. They should not make groups around him with scissors to cut away souveners from him. They should not lift off his Hon. Derby to take peeps at his Hon. Crown. Maybe he is sensitive about his deformity!”
“Hon. Princes is not entirely like other common Freaks,” debate Hon. Frank.
“With what for difference?” I reject.
“Common Freaks is supported by Museums which do very well. Hon. Princes is supported by Tradition which often forget to pay salary. Hence appropriations must be voted in U. S. Senate for International Marriages.”
My cousin Nogi, which hear them words we spoke in Japanese syllables, come up and say,
“If Hon. Senator Pelkins permit Hon. Duke de Buzzi to marry his family, will this not be considered unpatriotick act to do? Will not Hon. Senator occupy anonamous position in U. S. Senate?” This from Nogi.
“I am reminded of fudge!” I relapse with expression of iced aristocrat. “He will occupy elsewhere position!”
“What committee in U. S. Senate could endure such Hon. Senator when so related to pompous crown of Italy?” require Japanned Frank.
“Committee on Foreign Relations would be very nice seat for such Senator,” I commute with decorated appearance from eyebrow.
Mr. Editor, I am a shock & grief to see attitudes of this America to them Nobilities caming here in seek for employment. Why for is such high-tariffpolicy in this free kingdom on them European manufactured goods like automobiles, barons and carved sculptors? America are entirely anxious to become civilized—yet how can she get it without some of them things made in Germany for small price? In France any mechanical working-girl can afford to buy one small Baron on easy installment plan. In Italy they are served as waiters with meals. Americans may collect them in all countries of Europe, but in Custom House of U. S. they are insulted and treated like works of art, because Hon. Jo-uncle Cannon are so chivalrous about Hon. Sugar & Tobacco.
But ah! I know, Mr. Editor. Hashimura Togo are on to some sure wisdom about why them Hon. Nobles is so rare to get in this America when delicious to have! Hon. Trusts do it!! It are one Combination in Restraint of Trade. Day-by-year Hon. Small Dealer is crowdy to wall. How often do Dukes come to America with purpose of marrying some Common People? Never if seldom—except when them Common People is rich as they are common. Who get first pick-out of the Sizzyeni and De Chagrin families when they arrive to Custom House? Do Hon. Employment Bureaus? Do Plumbers & Joiners Union? Do Beneficial Order of Elks?
Reply is, NO! Who do, then? For answerwrite to Hon. La Folette who will send, by stamp, list of persons who done it, including 97 varieties of wealth.
Hon. Henry Watterson, who is official thinker for Kentucky, say-so that this kingdom is deliciously disgusted about Princes because it are entirely Democratick by vote. Foreign titles give especial loathing to desperate patriots like Hon. Hearst, who say that all Dukes ought to be shot; so he do so, thank you, with foto camera.
During the wedding season in America it are nice trick for Japanese Schoolboy to set in sofa of very gilt hotel and watch something. Pretty soonly it arrive. It is one quiet gentleman of grey finish who make sneak-walk in at tradesman entrance of hotel. He is scarcely to be noticeable except for fact that he wear blue goggles & green beard to appear natural. As he approach to desk of Hon. Clerk there is nervous creaking of furniture where Hon. Reporters is hidden in.
“Name, please, to register it!” say Hon. Clerk with pen.
“John Smith of Nebraska,” remit them stranger with Kansas accent.
“You are a ugly word!” renig that Clerk with teeth. “Nobody in Nebraska have such queer name like John Smith.”
(Impatient noises heard from kodaks behind furniture.)
“On what business are you here on?” relapse Hon. Clerk.
“I ain’t not here on no business. I are——”
“Youare,” abjurgate Clerk, “then you admit it!”
“He admit it!!” cry-out 17 Reporters & 9 Photographers arising from furniture.
“Which do I admit?” desire Hon. Stranger beginning to make tears.
“You are the Prince de Chagrin!” collapse all in unicorn.
“Discovery!” cry that unhappy Prince, fainting away into bar-room. All kodaks explode simultaneously.
With immediate quickness that Hotel become one International Affair. Telegraf editors of all prominent newspresses set desks in lobby to be near it; hallway in front of bedroom where Hon. Prince is awake, is full with interviewers, biographers, historians, popular novelists, muck-rakers, scratch-artists, paint-artists, photographers & engravers.
Pretty soonlyEvening Bagpipecome out. On back page is grand editorial of magnificent tipe of title “How We Despise that Nobility!” To prove them contempt of nobility,EveningBagpipeprint live-size portrait on front page showing Hon. de Chagrin being draped in automobile with America & French flags by Cupid & mothology ladies. By each ½ hourEvening Bagpipearrive with extra edition to tell what might be next, as follows:
10 o’clock extra!—Prince de Chagrin took elevator to wine-room and say, “Make it two!” This is an almost proof that he is engaged.10:30 double extra!!—Royal Prince de Chagrin was saw looking at palace of Hon. J. W. Moneywortz this morning with matrimonial expression.11 o’clock pink extra!!!—His Highness, Prince de Chagrin, shook hands with Senator Johnson with democratick laugh. Hon. Senator, with great presence of mind, said, “My daughter is already married.”11:30 double pink sporting extra!!!!—His Royal Highness, Prince de Chagrin, stopped at Seidlitz Gallery and looked 1½ minutes at photo of famous chorus-girl. Thrilling story of this lady’s life (if she got one) will appear in 3 color for Sunday extra supplement with souvenir toy baloons.12 o’clock green international suicide extra!!!!!—His Majesty, Prince de Chagrin, have disappeared.Nobody else is missing—what to tell?13 o’clock extra, extra, extra!!!!!!—Hon. Emperor de Chagrin traced 5 miles on road to Chicago by broken kodaks. Maybe it was someone else.
10 o’clock extra!—Prince de Chagrin took elevator to wine-room and say, “Make it two!” This is an almost proof that he is engaged.
10:30 double extra!!—Royal Prince de Chagrin was saw looking at palace of Hon. J. W. Moneywortz this morning with matrimonial expression.
11 o’clock pink extra!!!—His Highness, Prince de Chagrin, shook hands with Senator Johnson with democratick laugh. Hon. Senator, with great presence of mind, said, “My daughter is already married.”
11:30 double pink sporting extra!!!!—His Royal Highness, Prince de Chagrin, stopped at Seidlitz Gallery and looked 1½ minutes at photo of famous chorus-girl. Thrilling story of this lady’s life (if she got one) will appear in 3 color for Sunday extra supplement with souvenir toy baloons.
12 o’clock green international suicide extra!!!!!—His Majesty, Prince de Chagrin, have disappeared.Nobody else is missing—what to tell?
13 o’clock extra, extra, extra!!!!!!—Hon. Emperor de Chagrin traced 5 miles on road to Chicago by broken kodaks. Maybe it was someone else.
By lamplight yesterday I attend one Hon. Lecture at Socialist Hall.
“Time will came, and soonly,” say Hon. Lecture “when working man of America will got everything he want.”
“Will he got a foreign title for self & family?” I enquire with voice.
For them question I was rejected for being a Japanese Spy.
And yet it was a fairful question to reply. If Hon. Workman deserve to own the Trusts he also deserve to own them Dukes & Princes what Hon. Trusts is working seriously to make corner for. If Hon. Farmer of rural populus can have 1 automobile and his Hon. Wife 1 Pianola, can not his Hon. Daughter set on porch with some Italian Nobility by summer evening? Can not PetalumaClarionappear each weekly with following gossip of neighbouring live-stock:
“Bill Brown’s daughter, Countess Rockheimer & husband, made visit to the farm this week. Welcome, strangers!
“Si Perkins, Marquis of Perkins Corners, was out plowing the North Acre on Saturday. His Lordship is a very fine hustle.
“There is one new Duke in the Snodgrass family. It’s a boy this time.
“Senator Elkhorn of Coalopolis are absent from town on trip to St. Petersburg for visit his son-in-law the Czar of Russia. Town looks pretty dead without the genial Senator!”
No, Mr. Editor, trouble with this country is not too many Dukes, but too less of them. If Americans seen a Duke in every cigar-store they would not name cigars after him. This is also found amongst lower species. Insects is arranged carefully in glass boxes and named after difficult Latin poets as long as they are scarce and sly about being coaxed by collectors. But when them same Hon. Insects is discovered in colonies leading simple life among potato plants they are generally regarded to be Bugs. Thus I transfer it from Japanese poetry:
If Grasshop Bugs was merely scarce to seeAnd human persons was not used to itsRemarkabilious ways, all-world might beAdmiring of his limbs the way they fits.But Grasshop Bugs has got around so thickThat persons sweep them up in pans and pails,And Poets, while them lovelus Grasshops kick,Are somewheres else admiring Nightingales!
If Grasshop Bugs was merely scarce to seeAnd human persons was not used to itsRemarkabilious ways, all-world might beAdmiring of his limbs the way they fits.But Grasshop Bugs has got around so thickThat persons sweep them up in pans and pails,And Poets, while them lovelus Grasshops kick,Are somewheres else admiring Nightingales!
If Grasshop Bugs was merely scarce to seeAnd human persons was not used to itsRemarkabilious ways, all-world might beAdmiring of his limbs the way they fits.
If Grasshop Bugs was merely scarce to see
And human persons was not used to its
Remarkabilious ways, all-world might be
Admiring of his limbs the way they fits.
But Grasshop Bugs has got around so thickThat persons sweep them up in pans and pails,And Poets, while them lovelus Grasshops kick,Are somewheres else admiring Nightingales!
But Grasshop Bugs has got around so thick
That persons sweep them up in pans and pails,
And Poets, while them lovelus Grasshops kick,
Are somewheres else admiring Nightingales!
I am given to be understood that Hon. King Manuel of Portugal are looking for young lady willing to be queen. Them news are causing very dangerous heart-throb in family circle of U. S. Senate.
Yours truly,
Hashimura Togo.
S. P.—One banzai thought! Several months pass-by ago one imperious Japanese Prince make visit to America. Since he return to Japan there has not been least slightest rumor of engagement to him of Miss Vanderhooley of Newport. How he escape from? This is one other evidence of superior Japanese stratagem. I have feeling of boast!
H. T.