XXVITHE SERVANT PROBLEMB

XXVITHE SERVANT PROBLEMB

San Francisco, Sept. 11th.

To Editor New York Newspaper which make very tough projectile for mind to chew.

Hon. Mr. Sir—At Asiatick Delight Japanese Employment Bureau where I am found mostly always pleading for jobs with price $2, kindness loan of Cousin Nogi, I am a stand-up in line yesterday with other 43 Japanese Schoolboys which was also nervus about it. S. Muto, Prop. of this Hon. Bureau, see me with smile of riticule, because he do.

“Togo you are residing here so oftenly you might bring trunk and sleep. Why so jobless all time? When I give you delicious something to do it, you are back by return carfare for more.”

“Your jobs is all perishable, Hon. Muto,” I exaggerate. “They will not keep in such climate.”

“You are also unkept,” decompose this Muto. “You are a wrong Japanese to speek such slamber about my jobs. You are a Servant Problemb!”

At such American insult I feel Samurai instinctwith wrists. My interior soul make kicking performance of jiu jitsu—but outside my moustache I am a very smiling embassy like Hon. Baron Takahira.

“I am so delight to hear!” I renig for sarcastick. “I am aware of being a Yellow Peril—to be also a Servant Problemb are considerable distinguish. I am pretty pride about myself to be so much altogether.”

“Why so you no stick to one job of work and thusly gain experience by?” he denounce.

“Because-so,” I report. “Thank you, I can gain considerable plenty experience by losing jobs. I know because I do.”

“It are person like you that make Servant Problemb in this kingdom,” collapse Hon. Muto with peev.

“If I are such fine Servant Problemb,” I say with voice, “why you no get me one job doing it? Maybe some sweet-hearted American wish to hire such a Problemb for $3 a week & board it. So I shall willingly go there with valise.”

“Have you got some good references of recommend to show you could hold situation of Servant Problemb elsewheres?” he say it.

“Of sure I have!” I degrade, so I took from my inward vest following recommend of my intelligence which I wrote myself:

1—Mrs. C. W. O’Brien, honourable lady, where I do table-wait & terrible ordeel from fresh American gentleman who say “Jap boy!” with voice so I am very sorry when hot soup drown him at collar & I am next irritate to race-riot with Whang So, China boy of dogly face & terminate there by hanging him by the tail of his head to hon. doorknob. Good-bye, Mrs. C. W. O’Brien! Time there was 3 week.2—Hon. Miss Maizie Jone, young lady of considerable antiquity & large average weight, promise pay me 10c hr. teach her bisickle ride. I teach her gently by up-hill; but by down-hill teaching become deliciously rapid because of nervousness enjoyed by hon. machinery. Japanese Boy is earnest to stop it & can not do until Baker Wagon ensue & leave Hon. Maizie broken among machinery. I am Hospital Corps for help; but Hon. Maizie become loudly thankless. Time there was ½ hr & no pay.3—Board House of Mrs. Van Horn. There I am guaranteed for experienced window-wash. This is high task of scrubbing and I am serious about it until suds-bucket overspill 3 stories to top of Episcopal Clergyman who notice it. Hashimura Togo depart with fire-alarm. Time there was 2 days, 15 minite.4—Golden West Garage where I am manicure for automobiles. “Are you acquainted to do?” say Hon. Boss. “O gladly!” I bereft. I try, but Hon. Gasolene object by explosion. I do not care for this place. Time there was 6 minites.5—I am nurse-maiden for delighted home of Duglas Willkins, Sausalito. I am request to perambulate Hon. Godfrey, which is a baby, out near some fresh air which he enjoy breathing it. There I meet Wanda, Japanese socialist, who discourse with me about Private Ownership. While this important talk is doing Hon. Baby get himself detached from buggy-ride by one method or another. I am conversing too much to notice this until Hon. Mrs. Willkins approach to say with hysterick, “Where is them Baby?” I should like to answer. By search for it I discover Hon. Baby aslumbering amongst huckledock bush by road. She do not miss me at departure. Time there was 3 days.

1—Mrs. C. W. O’Brien, honourable lady, where I do table-wait & terrible ordeel from fresh American gentleman who say “Jap boy!” with voice so I am very sorry when hot soup drown him at collar & I am next irritate to race-riot with Whang So, China boy of dogly face & terminate there by hanging him by the tail of his head to hon. doorknob. Good-bye, Mrs. C. W. O’Brien! Time there was 3 week.

2—Hon. Miss Maizie Jone, young lady of considerable antiquity & large average weight, promise pay me 10c hr. teach her bisickle ride. I teach her gently by up-hill; but by down-hill teaching become deliciously rapid because of nervousness enjoyed by hon. machinery. Japanese Boy is earnest to stop it & can not do until Baker Wagon ensue & leave Hon. Maizie broken among machinery. I am Hospital Corps for help; but Hon. Maizie become loudly thankless. Time there was ½ hr & no pay.

3—Board House of Mrs. Van Horn. There I am guaranteed for experienced window-wash. This is high task of scrubbing and I am serious about it until suds-bucket overspill 3 stories to top of Episcopal Clergyman who notice it. Hashimura Togo depart with fire-alarm. Time there was 2 days, 15 minite.

4—Golden West Garage where I am manicure for automobiles. “Are you acquainted to do?” say Hon. Boss. “O gladly!” I bereft. I try, but Hon. Gasolene object by explosion. I do not care for this place. Time there was 6 minites.

5—I am nurse-maiden for delighted home of Duglas Willkins, Sausalito. I am request to perambulate Hon. Godfrey, which is a baby, out near some fresh air which he enjoy breathing it. There I meet Wanda, Japanese socialist, who discourse with me about Private Ownership. While this important talk is doing Hon. Baby get himself detached from buggy-ride by one method or another. I am conversing too much to notice this until Hon. Mrs. Willkins approach to say with hysterick, “Where is them Baby?” I should like to answer. By search for it I discover Hon. Baby aslumbering amongst huckledock bush by road. She do not miss me at departure. Time there was 3 days.

Hon. Sago Sadoyama, who is a professor of American magazine-reading, was found at them Employment Bureau looking for it also. While awaiting for jobs we was delighted to have a discuss. He say upwards of this:

“I read in populus magazine for 10c one article of title ‘Why Do Servants Leave Good Homes When They Are Fired?’ I ask to know.”

“Answer to this is, Because,” I snuggle.

“Ah no!” say this Sago. “It are because Declamation of Independence make them quit it.”

“How thus?” I delay.

“Because so,” say Sago. “Them Declamation pronounce ‘All persons is crated free & equal.’ That are nice maxim for school-houses, city halls, grocery stores & other patriotick edifices; but it ain’t no good maxim for put over kitchen stove. Each Household Lady what require to keep Hon. Cook in kitchen must keep pretty silent about Hon. Declamation of Independence, or Hon. Cook might get suspicious that there is one.

“Suppose that Hon. Cook should see such a Declamation while she was setting down to skin hon. potatoes for lunching. While there she hear Hon. Mrs. from parlour-room play tune of ‘Jolly Widow’ in key of piano. Of suddenly Hon. Cook drop pair-knife with immediate brain-thought.

“‘Sake of!’ she decry. ‘If all persons is crated free & equal, why to skin potatoe? No person what is free & equal ever skin a potatoe. Therefore not.’

“Silence from kitchen, then. Pretty soonly itare 1.30 of clock-time and Hon. Mr. Phillup retire home from paint-works enjoying faintness.

“‘Hon. Mrs.’ he say-so to female wife, ‘where is them lunch to eat it?’

“‘I will seen about,’ say Hon. Mrs. from piano play. So she go kitchen expressing angry rage by feet. There she find Hon. Cook wearing Jolly Widow headware & setting on valise meaning good-bye.

“‘Bertha, kindly please, where is them lunch to cook it?’ she deserve.

“‘Can not do, thank you,’ deliver that Hon. Cook. ‘I are crated free & equal. Also dam gas-range enjoy large leak. Therefore I am delight to tell you farewell because I am a decent average girl.’

“That Bertha then depart from kitchen taking part of it with her,” say Sago.

“Servant ladies what is too free & equal is found at liberty nearly all-time,” I rebate with Asiatick salute.

One wise Professor which is mistaken say “Trouble of these United State is that servants is no good.” Such childhood to say! Trouble of these United State is that servants istoogood. Most of them is too good to work except when drove to by hungry symptoms of esophagus.Cooking lady are too good for sweep; sweeping lady are too good for window-wash; window-wash lady are too good for scrub; and scrubbing lady are too good for anything. Frequently at least some Hon. Employer when he hire Hon. Servant forget how good them person is. Then he must be snub.

“Are you a drunkard by habit?” enquire Hon. Employer.

“I are,” relapse Hon. Servant. “Are you?”

“Are you careful of frugality, industrious, steady moral, nice sleep-hours, early-rise man?” require that Employer for nervus shock.

“I are not,” reply them Servant. “Are you?”

Hon. Employer now enjoy transom of angry rage.

“You must be unfitted for any good job of work to do it!” he corrode.

“Of sure I are,” flotate that Hon. Servant. “How nicely you are guessing things!”

Hon. Employer stand gast for fluttering brain.

“You know who I are?” require Hon. Servant.

“I am aware at last,” say Employer. “You are Upton Sincere the Boy Noveller attempting to give me write-down for famous novel ‘The Meatropolis,’ which will describe my disgusting wealth. You are fired in advance,” say Hon. Employer escaping to hide self under bed.

In Japan, China, Corea & other happy islands where persons has sense enough to be entirely Heathens, Servant Problembs is not there because it is absent, thank you. There, when Hon. Servant are awaiting on you, you are aware of it. Tea is served by crolling on seat of stummick & bumping with forehead to announce it are ready. If Japanese Servant require to cease job he are legally require to ask Hon. Employer. If Hon. Employer give his consent, Hon. Servant are legally require to do hari-kiri with dull knife to show how grateful he feel.

This custom make Japanese Servant bashful about asking to quit.

Servants is exceptional to most golden rule, I am at liberty to suppose. Are it not glory-bird feel to be Independent? Ain’t not them Independence a grand motion for hearts what makes hero go fife-drumming to blaze of fireworks & sley something or be dead about it? Hon. Vergil say in Latin class, “How nice it is to die for your Country!” And yet so, what American of intelligence would care to employ one Hero to do servanting around house? Would it be pleasant to have one Cook what is fond of sleying something to fife-drum music? Answer is, No!! If Hon. Butler absorb gin-wine & march through dining-room with purpose to die for his Country he areimmediately discouraged by remark, “Hush! Baby is asleep.”

When a patriot are Independent he are called “glorious.”

When a Servant are Independent he are called “undependable.”

Here is some tuneless poetry about a domesticated cook:

Alice O’Rafferty, Swedish Servant,Tell me to know,What hast you forgotten to make you have such wild-hair expression of look?Hast you forgottenChildhood home & don’t-forget-me blossomOf dear old mother neathApple-tree bud?Hast you forgottenSome very nice love-song of early springly timeBy shade of water-cressAnd daffy-dills sweetly blend?I require answer, please!“Ah no, I ain’t forgot them things,”Response Alice-Sit-by-the-Stove,“But I hast forgottenTo put any carrotsIn Hon. Soup.”She weep.Alice O’Rafferty, Swedish Servant,What volume of bookHave you got hid under wash-board?Are it some technical workOn heating buns?Are it entitle,“How to construct a mince pie on an income of $1,000 a year?”Are it entitle“Dainty Dishes for Peevish Palates”?I ask to look.“Ah no,” response that estimate female,“It are a fairy-story entitle ‘Marriage of Wm. Ashes,’By Mrs. Humpley Ward.”Sighs from her.“Life of cook are very mean and sordy,”She say,And splotter tear-drop on Humpley Ward book.Alice O’Rafferty, Swedish Servant,Tell me to know—But hark!I hear something burning with smudge!Maybe it are a house afire,But it smell remarkabilously likeSoda biskits what has ignited therselvesIn oven.

Alice O’Rafferty, Swedish Servant,Tell me to know,What hast you forgotten to make you have such wild-hair expression of look?Hast you forgottenChildhood home & don’t-forget-me blossomOf dear old mother neathApple-tree bud?Hast you forgottenSome very nice love-song of early springly timeBy shade of water-cressAnd daffy-dills sweetly blend?I require answer, please!“Ah no, I ain’t forgot them things,”Response Alice-Sit-by-the-Stove,“But I hast forgottenTo put any carrotsIn Hon. Soup.”She weep.Alice O’Rafferty, Swedish Servant,What volume of bookHave you got hid under wash-board?Are it some technical workOn heating buns?Are it entitle,“How to construct a mince pie on an income of $1,000 a year?”Are it entitle“Dainty Dishes for Peevish Palates”?I ask to look.“Ah no,” response that estimate female,“It are a fairy-story entitle ‘Marriage of Wm. Ashes,’By Mrs. Humpley Ward.”Sighs from her.“Life of cook are very mean and sordy,”She say,And splotter tear-drop on Humpley Ward book.Alice O’Rafferty, Swedish Servant,Tell me to know—But hark!I hear something burning with smudge!Maybe it are a house afire,But it smell remarkabilously likeSoda biskits what has ignited therselvesIn oven.

Alice O’Rafferty, Swedish Servant,Tell me to know,What hast you forgotten to make you have such wild-hair expression of look?Hast you forgottenChildhood home & don’t-forget-me blossomOf dear old mother neathApple-tree bud?Hast you forgottenSome very nice love-song of early springly timeBy shade of water-cressAnd daffy-dills sweetly blend?I require answer, please!“Ah no, I ain’t forgot them things,”Response Alice-Sit-by-the-Stove,“But I hast forgottenTo put any carrotsIn Hon. Soup.”She weep.

Alice O’Rafferty, Swedish Servant,

Tell me to know,

What hast you forgotten to make you have such wild-hair expression of look?

Hast you forgotten

Childhood home & don’t-forget-me blossom

Of dear old mother neath

Apple-tree bud?

Hast you forgotten

Some very nice love-song of early springly time

By shade of water-cress

And daffy-dills sweetly blend?

I require answer, please!

“Ah no, I ain’t forgot them things,”

Response Alice-Sit-by-the-Stove,

“But I hast forgotten

To put any carrots

In Hon. Soup.”

She weep.

Alice O’Rafferty, Swedish Servant,What volume of bookHave you got hid under wash-board?Are it some technical workOn heating buns?Are it entitle,“How to construct a mince pie on an income of $1,000 a year?”Are it entitle“Dainty Dishes for Peevish Palates”?I ask to look.“Ah no,” response that estimate female,“It are a fairy-story entitle ‘Marriage of Wm. Ashes,’By Mrs. Humpley Ward.”Sighs from her.“Life of cook are very mean and sordy,”She say,And splotter tear-drop on Humpley Ward book.

Alice O’Rafferty, Swedish Servant,

What volume of book

Have you got hid under wash-board?

Are it some technical work

On heating buns?

Are it entitle,

“How to construct a mince pie on an income of $1,000 a year?”

Are it entitle

“Dainty Dishes for Peevish Palates”?

I ask to look.

“Ah no,” response that estimate female,

“It are a fairy-story entitle ‘Marriage of Wm. Ashes,’

By Mrs. Humpley Ward.”

Sighs from her.

“Life of cook are very mean and sordy,”

She say,

And splotter tear-drop on Humpley Ward book.

Alice O’Rafferty, Swedish Servant,Tell me to know—But hark!I hear something burning with smudge!Maybe it are a house afire,But it smell remarkabilously likeSoda biskits what has ignited therselvesIn oven.

Alice O’Rafferty, Swedish Servant,

Tell me to know—

But hark!

I hear something burning with smudge!

Maybe it are a house afire,

But it smell remarkabilously like

Soda biskits what has ignited therselves

In oven.

Hoping you are having no trouble with your Public Servants, I am

Yours truly,

Hashimura Togo.

“‘I require to leave message for Cousin Charley at Washington’”

“‘I require to leave message for Cousin Charley at Washington’”

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