XXVIIITHE HON. MARS
San Francisco, September 30th.
To Editor New York Newspaper who make me to think of astronomical subjecks.
Dearest Sir—Considerable scientists has been making observations of Hon. Planet Mars by very recent time; so I have also been doing so by use of opera-glasses which I borrow secretively from Sydney Katsu, Jr., Japanese dentistry. For time of several nights I have regarded this Star with fixed eye for long moments together, but I have not enjoyed to discover them famous Canals because I not could see them, thank you. And yet perhaps this was no fault blame of Hon. Mars, but of them disgusting Katsu glasses what are dimmed all over and enjoy breakage of right eyelid. This must make very wrong astronomy.
However is, I am excited to wrote Popular Science about Hon. Mars because any intelligent person can do so after turning eye-glasses to heaven.
Is Hon. Mars inhabited by people? is question for Japanese Boy. Even if-so it is, why shouldAmericans become excited about it? We know by thoughtful knowledge that nearly all places is inhabited by something. Are we not-so familiar with fact that Ireland is inhabited? No excitement about that! Does we not know exactly that New Jersey is inhabited? No excitement about that, except on Presidential year! Then why should Hon. Mars receive all this free advertisement? I ask to know.
American scientist say, “In near adjoining future we shall make talk with them Mars persons.” So foolish to try! We are acquaintanceship with too many people already. Then why should we travel by telescopes trying to make back-talk with stars? Maybe Americans will be peevishly careful about associating with Mars persons when they see them. Maybe American labour unions will send letter of protest to Emperor of Mars about allowing them disgusting immigrants all over California. Maybe coolie gentlemans from Mars will try get job of work in Vancouver cannery and enjoy kick-out by race-riot. Oh! such delicious laugh for all Japanese Boys!!
No, Mr. Editor, it is a very nervus task for these U. S. to encourage foreign relations with stars, planets, islands and other heathens what they do not know nothing about. America one time did open up Japan in them careless mannerand very soonly she have one Yellow Peril on fingers. By same operation she open up Philippine Islands and immediately Hon. Taft become embarrassed by enormous family of brown complexions. If Hon. Roosevelt is appointed Emperor of America once more-time would it be convenient to send Hon. Taft on trip to Mars to make once more Manila speech about “Our Little Green Brother?” I ask no reply.
No human person have yet been to Mars with exception of Hon. H. G. Wells, who stops at nothing. So he write freely for the Magazines. He go to Mars, he say, with letter of introduction to Mayors, Politicians, etc., and have intimate & confidential chatter with them inhabitants. These Mars persons, say Hon. Wells, lives in elaborate cities what closely resembles Coney Island. They are very swift about place-to-place movements which is done by shooting the chutes. By government they are Socialistic with a Pianola attachment. Children of these Mars persons is born in incubators and educated by Absent Treatment. The inhabitants of Mars is delightfully different from the inhabitants of Maine. The inhabitants of Maine talks through their noses while the inhabitants of Mars talks through their ears.
Mars, say Hon. Wells, is so circumscribed by light-minded atmosphere that persons can talk there on heaviest subjecks without enjoying pain. Persons with feathers sprouting from them in inexperienced places may be seen in baloons speaking about Tariff, Aldrich Currency Bill, Ultimate Destiny of College-bred Womans and other topical thoughts what can be dropped in that delicious atmosphere without causing sounds. This planet is pretty ideal. Old Age has also been abolished by Congress.
Mr. Editor, if Mars is like Hon. Wells say it is, somebody should be punished for discovering it.
Some other Professors has wrote for magazines about this Hon. Mars in very statistical language. Sydney Katsu, Jr., when he arrive to remove me from them opera-glasses, show me one respectable magazine full of alarming portraits of Mars with stripes all over it. He say they was took by Hon. Prof. Lowell, an astronomy who went to Arizona.
“Why should a tame Professor go to Arizona?” I require with suspicious expression.
“Hon. Prof. Lowell go to Arizona to see Hon. Mars,” collapse this Sydney.
“Do Hon. Mars live in Arizona?” I deploy for ignorance.
“It is estimated to be beyond it,” signify Sydney.
“You are a very toothsome dentistry,” I dally forth. “Please, then, told me what species of Politics is enjoyed by this Hon. Mars?”
“Hon. Mars is solidly Republican by Politics,” say Sydney, “because I am aware.”
“What make you so aware?” I require for curiosity.
“Because-so this,” manifest Sydney. “Some distinct Professor say in Magazine, ‘Mars is considerably cut up with 10,000 Panama Canals!’”
“What do this prove about Hon. Republican Party?” I require.
“It prove plenty,” say Sydney. “Would Democratic Administration dig 10,000 Panama Canals on such a planet? Would Hon. Henry Watterson permit such a great shovel? Ah, no!! Republican Party is blame for putting all them surgery on face of Mars!”
“Them 10,000 Panama Canals must took several Presidential terms to dig it,” I say for philosophy.
“Third terms is often followed by more of it in some Solar Systems,” embark this Sydney with J. B. Forker expression.
In discussion of how get there to Mars we was considerable discouraged persons, thank you. Railroads might go there by Government Ownership, but would they? Distance from U. S. to Hon. Mars is a very extensive row of arithmetic.In speaking of such compendious figures it is easy to drop several millions of miles without feeling bad about it.
“Such a trip is too expensive,” said Sydney. “If one Japanese Boy desiring to go to Mars should travel all over Earth and collect $1 eech from eech man, womans & children, he would not yet have sufficient money-pay for trip to Mars.”
“If I had possession of such ability to collect $1 apiece from all mans, womans & child of this Earth I would not be particular about going to Mars,” I renig with American eye-wink.
I then go to bed for brain-ache full of astronomy.
While setting at my bureau to-night I drop inkstand and look uply at midnight sky, but I discover its absence because there is not no window in the frugality of my bedroom. So I am satisfied to read one newspaper-print which is published on Earth each evening. I read about Hon. Aldrich Porous Plaster Finance, some useless information about Hon. Terry McGovern, some intelligent elopement of Bank Presidents and several other crimes of etiquette with portraiture on front page. But there is no news about Hon. Mars. So I am supposing that nothing happens there frequently. That is a nice fact to know about Mars, if nothing else is discovered. It ispleasant for Japanese Boy to imagine that this planet is not civilized like Hon. Wells and other prophets say-so about it. It is sweet to thought that none of them machinery like sky-scrape, elevator, hot-and-cold-water, subway & gasolene is inhabiting that Hon. Star. How much more dearer would it be for Japanese Boy if Hon. Mars was just one plain-finish Planet where refined persons could go after death to set inside their souls and get away from this noisy panick of ottomobiles!
Therefore I got a poem—
Twinkle, twinkly, little Mars,How I am mistaken to understood you!So far removalThat you are wholesomely educative to Hashimura Togo,If nothing else.Isn’t there not something about StarsSimilar to Ladies?I bet it there is!Sometime, by watchful gloam-timeLoving gentlemen sit to watch for come of Fiancee.He look—— Ah!She is approaching with light feetsteps.He feel so exclamitory——Then, of suddenly,When she is so near as to be more accurately inspect by eye,That lover seems mistook;So disjunctive!Alast!It is not her of which he waited—It is some other elseWearing similar ostrich in her hat.She is maidenly, but elderly.That lover reverences her respectibility,But he is considerable quiet about it.“Good evening, Miss Murphy,” he say,Then make fudge exclamation in deep breathAnd depart by trolley-ride.Are you like them things I told, Mr. Mars?Are you more suitable for astronomyThan for farming?Are you nice for telescopes,But poor land for potatoe-grow?I enquire.Twinkle, twinkly, little Mars,I demand you this:Reply with some intelligence to answer about yourself, or elseI am suspicious.Can you guarantee them CanalsTo be entirelyAntiseptic? No malaria, no mosquitos?Good place for Japan-American Annual Picnic?If you have not got no Oceans,How can you enjoyNaval battles, sea-illness, whalesAnd all summer amusements what proper persons require to be good-healthy?If I should go to there, Mr. Mars,Would you give me contractFor steady job?Could I have Sunday off, please?—Or don’t you enjoy them holidays?Could I have evening-timeTo study piano-playAnd works of Darwin, Huxley & Jack London?Could I have good bright room with steam-pipe in winterAnd warm bath-room for splunge?Oh! Hon. Mars, I require to know.Reply to me in vision of nightmare,Telegraf in dreams.Answer before 10 o’clock WednesdayBecause I have got offer to workIn steam laundry ofW. G. Sullivan, Oakland.
Twinkle, twinkly, little Mars,How I am mistaken to understood you!So far removalThat you are wholesomely educative to Hashimura Togo,If nothing else.Isn’t there not something about StarsSimilar to Ladies?I bet it there is!Sometime, by watchful gloam-timeLoving gentlemen sit to watch for come of Fiancee.He look—— Ah!She is approaching with light feetsteps.He feel so exclamitory——Then, of suddenly,When she is so near as to be more accurately inspect by eye,That lover seems mistook;So disjunctive!Alast!It is not her of which he waited—It is some other elseWearing similar ostrich in her hat.She is maidenly, but elderly.That lover reverences her respectibility,But he is considerable quiet about it.“Good evening, Miss Murphy,” he say,Then make fudge exclamation in deep breathAnd depart by trolley-ride.Are you like them things I told, Mr. Mars?Are you more suitable for astronomyThan for farming?Are you nice for telescopes,But poor land for potatoe-grow?I enquire.Twinkle, twinkly, little Mars,I demand you this:Reply with some intelligence to answer about yourself, or elseI am suspicious.Can you guarantee them CanalsTo be entirelyAntiseptic? No malaria, no mosquitos?Good place for Japan-American Annual Picnic?If you have not got no Oceans,How can you enjoyNaval battles, sea-illness, whalesAnd all summer amusements what proper persons require to be good-healthy?If I should go to there, Mr. Mars,Would you give me contractFor steady job?Could I have Sunday off, please?—Or don’t you enjoy them holidays?Could I have evening-timeTo study piano-playAnd works of Darwin, Huxley & Jack London?Could I have good bright room with steam-pipe in winterAnd warm bath-room for splunge?Oh! Hon. Mars, I require to know.Reply to me in vision of nightmare,Telegraf in dreams.Answer before 10 o’clock WednesdayBecause I have got offer to workIn steam laundry ofW. G. Sullivan, Oakland.
Twinkle, twinkly, little Mars,How I am mistaken to understood you!So far removalThat you are wholesomely educative to Hashimura Togo,If nothing else.Isn’t there not something about StarsSimilar to Ladies?I bet it there is!Sometime, by watchful gloam-timeLoving gentlemen sit to watch for come of Fiancee.He look—— Ah!She is approaching with light feetsteps.He feel so exclamitory——Then, of suddenly,When she is so near as to be more accurately inspect by eye,That lover seems mistook;So disjunctive!Alast!It is not her of which he waited—It is some other elseWearing similar ostrich in her hat.She is maidenly, but elderly.That lover reverences her respectibility,But he is considerable quiet about it.“Good evening, Miss Murphy,” he say,Then make fudge exclamation in deep breathAnd depart by trolley-ride.Are you like them things I told, Mr. Mars?Are you more suitable for astronomyThan for farming?Are you nice for telescopes,But poor land for potatoe-grow?I enquire.
Twinkle, twinkly, little Mars,
How I am mistaken to understood you!
So far removal
That you are wholesomely educative to Hashimura Togo,
If nothing else.
Isn’t there not something about Stars
Similar to Ladies?
I bet it there is!
Sometime, by watchful gloam-time
Loving gentlemen sit to watch for come of Fiancee.
He look—— Ah!
She is approaching with light feetsteps.
He feel so exclamitory——
Then, of suddenly,
When she is so near as to be more accurately inspect by eye,
That lover seems mistook;
So disjunctive!
Alast!
It is not her of which he waited—
It is some other else
Wearing similar ostrich in her hat.
She is maidenly, but elderly.
That lover reverences her respectibility,
But he is considerable quiet about it.
“Good evening, Miss Murphy,” he say,
Then make fudge exclamation in deep breath
And depart by trolley-ride.
Are you like them things I told, Mr. Mars?
Are you more suitable for astronomy
Than for farming?
Are you nice for telescopes,
But poor land for potatoe-grow?
I enquire.
Twinkle, twinkly, little Mars,I demand you this:Reply with some intelligence to answer about yourself, or elseI am suspicious.Can you guarantee them CanalsTo be entirelyAntiseptic? No malaria, no mosquitos?Good place for Japan-American Annual Picnic?If you have not got no Oceans,How can you enjoyNaval battles, sea-illness, whalesAnd all summer amusements what proper persons require to be good-healthy?If I should go to there, Mr. Mars,Would you give me contractFor steady job?Could I have Sunday off, please?—Or don’t you enjoy them holidays?Could I have evening-timeTo study piano-playAnd works of Darwin, Huxley & Jack London?Could I have good bright room with steam-pipe in winterAnd warm bath-room for splunge?Oh! Hon. Mars, I require to know.Reply to me in vision of nightmare,Telegraf in dreams.Answer before 10 o’clock WednesdayBecause I have got offer to workIn steam laundry ofW. G. Sullivan, Oakland.
Twinkle, twinkly, little Mars,
I demand you this:
Reply with some intelligence to answer about yourself, or else
I am suspicious.
Can you guarantee them Canals
To be entirely
Antiseptic? No malaria, no mosquitos?
Good place for Japan-American Annual Picnic?
If you have not got no Oceans,
How can you enjoy
Naval battles, sea-illness, whales
And all summer amusements what proper persons require to be good-healthy?
If I should go to there, Mr. Mars,
Would you give me contract
For steady job?
Could I have Sunday off, please?—
Or don’t you enjoy them holidays?
Could I have evening-time
To study piano-play
And works of Darwin, Huxley & Jack London?
Could I have good bright room with steam-pipe in winter
And warm bath-room for splunge?
Oh! Hon. Mars, I require to know.
Reply to me in vision of nightmare,
Telegraf in dreams.
Answer before 10 o’clock Wednesday
Because I have got offer to work
In steam laundry of
W. G. Sullivan, Oakland.
This, Mr. Editor, is a fancy poem which expects no reply because it is too literary. Therefore I will accept that Sullivan job. It is more easier to go to Oakland for a laundry job than to Mars for a Cabinet Position.
Hoping you are enjoying some of that financial distrust,
Yours truly,
Hashimura Togo.
S. P.—Last Friday night Japanese Thinking Society wished very much that you was there among it. They indulged a debate on “What is a Superman?” Cousin Nogi say “Theodore Roosevelt.” I. Anazuma say “Bernard Shaw,” but Hashimura Togo say “Arthur Kickahajama is it, because his wife is happy about twins.” I was made a prize for this of 50c which will be Carnegie medal to Mrs. Kickahajama.
H. T.