XXVIITHE FEETSTEPS OF SCIENCE
San Francisco, Sept. 24th.
To Editor New York Newspaper who I include to list of wireless friends.
Dearest Sir—One thousands of year previous to now time-date what was heard in America from both ends? Howeling of savages who enjoyed it. What is heard by to-day time? Considerable more howeling, thank you; but it is being did over Columbus, Mr. Editor, Hon. New YorkJournaltelephone. Before discovery of Manhattan by was embarrassed for awfully little quantities of scientifick interest to print. By present time of date Hon. Reporter for themJournalare heartsick to keep 100 years ahead of feetsteps of Science for Sunday edition. Such is vast straddel of Modern Education. If all them Scientifick Fact I read about is truthful, then this world of which we live are getting along too fastly to be good-healthy. If it keep on going at thus rate some day Chicago will explode & be off map.
Science, Mr. Editor, am a very benefital thing when took in moderate doses. It keep Professorsfrom going to Congress, it make murder-by-machinery very pleasant and give Naval Construction Board chanst to insult itself. Yet do Science of such quantity compel persons to be more happier in sweetheart surroundings of home-life? Simple candlelight of our New English ansisters beampt on happy glow-faces of dear family gathered at table-cloth to eat local bean off cob. Do Newport Father & Mother of present to-day felt more entranced setting below 100 horsepower chandelier awaiting, O so vainly, for their female daughter to elope with some Duke of foreign arrival? To disappointed heart, Mr. Editor, Science can’t do nothing despite of electrick fans, all-night elevator and 5-day Cunard to Liverpool. Electrick fans are impossible to drive away Hon. Care, all-night elevator can’t not lift a sorry man out of himself and it ain’t no use to go Liverpool in one 5-days boat if Hon. Trouble have got there first.
In newspaper-press I see about one Professor of Oklahoma University which discover a very surprised Science. He have found how to do it to abolish Old Age by electricity. Following is recipe to do it at home:
1—Choose one ripe old man enjoying decline of years.2—Take him in very dark room and soak him 24 hours in bath of sulphurick acid.3—Rub to delicious dryness, simmer him over oil stove & expose to sunstroke, 20 minutes.4—He is then ready to abolish by electricity. Do this by fastening storage battery to base of brain and increasing dose till 105 centigrades is enjoyed.5—Old man ought to be pretty active by this space of time. If not he is too spoiled. Try another one.
1—Choose one ripe old man enjoying decline of years.
2—Take him in very dark room and soak him 24 hours in bath of sulphurick acid.
3—Rub to delicious dryness, simmer him over oil stove & expose to sunstroke, 20 minutes.
4—He is then ready to abolish by electricity. Do this by fastening storage battery to base of brain and increasing dose till 105 centigrades is enjoyed.
5—Old man ought to be pretty active by this space of time. If not he is too spoiled. Try another one.
I am excitable about this recipe, Mr. Editor, because I got one Grandfather residing in Yeddo who is now 97 old and will not keep very longer in that climbate. If I arrive back to dear Japan before he pass off I shall do friendship duty to abolish Grandfather by electricity.
In newspaper press I discover about Sir Olive Lodge, nearly related to Senator Lodge from Boston. Hon. Sir Lodge say-how that disembowled spirits of departed dead-ones is frequently discovered by Science. By evening time, say Hon. Sir Lodge, when intelligent person is setting alone to unrobe by bureau he must be sensitive about knocking. You hearbump-bumpon high wall-paper of bedroom? That are not cause by Hon. Johnson, boarder upstairs, dropping shoesto carpet. My nervus sakes! What is?Thump-thump!It is wireless Ghost from Away Off trying to act interesting.
“What require?” you must ask to know from Hon. Ghost.
“I am Napoleon Bonaparte,” say Hon. Ghost by signal-practise. “I require to leave message for Cousin Charley at Washington.”
“What to say to this Hon. Charley?” you dictate for answer.
“Don’t be too dam fierce about Predatory Richness,” say Napoleon Bonaparte to Charley Bonaparte. “Remember us Corsican family got ours by tooking it.”
He is going to say-so some more, but is shut off by Central for them profane swear he said it.
Hon. Edison say-so he is going to make one invention of Spiritualistick Telephone so Americans can talk with dead persons more conveniently. This will be nice subjeck to improve. By present method when persons wishes to correspond with Ghosts, etc., they must go to Medium who require 50c to throw herself into trances and connect you with wrong parties. But when them Spiritualistick Telephones is invent them conversations with graveyards may be got for price 10c sum. On them happy time Japanese Boy can goto any telephone booth and require of lady Operette.
“Hello, thank you! Give me to telephone 3604 Spiritland, please! Yes sir! Hello-it—is Hon. Wm. Shakespeare residing there to talk? Thank you again! Is them you, Mr. Shakespeare? One question to reply for Japanese Boy, please. Who wrote them trajick of Julius Cæsar? Hon. Bernard Shaw?—No?—He improve it, you say? Oh, them ain’t no news! Hon. Shaw know that already. One more reply, please—hello—get from off the wire, please, Mr. Thackeray!—”
I am sincerely to hope that persons will get more better telephone service between Here and Hereafter than between San Francisco and Oakland.
An eminent surgery of Columbus University have invent new species of laughter-gas call “electrick sleep.” Both tooth & appendix might be pulled by this Science, Sydney Katsu, Jr., tell me. Hon. Patience will be in bed dreaming of something different while everything is removed. Electrick shock is applied to loeb of brain to create calm which is followed by whatever knifing is necessary to create a good-healthy. Absent treatment may be gave by connecting victim to telegraf wire.
Hon. Prof. Monsterburg have devise one crafty Machine which can discover prevaricus Liars by clock-work. This Hon. Machine are called a Ananiascope. The apperatux is glued to mouth of one poor malefactor what is telling his testimonial to Hon. Judge. While that poor malefactor say truth Hon. Machine remain very polite about it; but when he say lie, then Hon. Machine is so shocked that it ring one alarm clock & that poor malefactor enjoy lock-away in jail. Hon. Machine have not yet been experimented on mouths of rich malefactors. Some says it will be took to White House soonly. Some says it will not be necessary there.
One machinery of name called “gyroscope” is very immediately to revolutionize in circles. This wonderful whirler can be put on any railroad train, and beholt! with immediate quickness them train proceed along on one wheel. Irish gentleman what invent that gyroscope promise for it to do everything. It will abolish all crimes of railroad, including accidents, collisions, rebating, lobbying & Pullman porters. Hon. Harriman will be very fond of them gyroscope railroads, because they will be run on one rail. Railroads with 1 rail can merely be fined ½ as much by Interstate Commerce Commission.
This week, Mr. Editor, them mysterious problembof Mechanical Flight have been solved by Hons. Bell, Farman, Wright, Santos-Dumont & Ben F. Tillman. Lighter-than-air baloons is no longer consider in vogy. Hotter-than-air machines is now fashionable for flight. Hon. Bell make sensationous flight of 8 seconds and travel 14 feet, breaking New Jersey record & machine. Hon. Tillman stay up in air 2 hours 14 minutes and travel from Panama Canal to Philippine Tariff, landing with considerable jar on the Administration. This break Congressional record.
Famous Doctor of Switzerland have discry sure cure for cancer by moonlight ray. If this do not discourage the finest cancer in 10 lessons it can be used on tuberculosis with equal benefit of result. This is a very positive remedy which have only been known to fail in cases where persons has really got cancer.
Mr. Editor, them is but a few number of Scientifick renovations discover by me in this morning press. I am not doubtful that I could found a great number of more by looking in more yellow colour of news. Science advances, Mr. Sir, according to speed of paper for which you subscribe to.
In age of Wm. Jennings Bryan there was onefamous Frenchman, Hon. Jules Verne, who write polobrious adventure-book about flying to moon on cannon-ball, tripping from New York to Pekin by subway & annexation of America to Africa by floating islands. In age of Roosevelt Hon. Verne is consider one very truthful old gentleman, but too slow & quiet about telling facts. Any Hon. Reporter on newspaper what can not discover more exciting scientifick news for morning edition would be suppressed for lack of talents & put to writing real-estate forecasts on back column.
Time of Medieval Superstition are pass-by, Mr. Editor, and I am congratulate on it. Christians is very skeptic about believing that Hon. World are schedule to come to end-up because of sins. But if extra edition ofMorning Bagpipeshould make red-tipe announcement:
!!WORLD TIPPING OVER!!
SIR ARTHUR WALLOP, NOTORIOUS SCIENTIST SAY, “EARTH ISOVERLOADED ON EAST SIDE!”
INHABITANTS OF CHINA MUST MOVE BEFOREAWFUL SPILL!
If I seen them headlights on paper, Mr. Editor, I would enjoy great fright and spend 25c to get more later editions.
Mr. Editor, I did not noticed your signature among them 97 rulers of America mentioned instatistick of Hon. La Folette. Maybe I subscribe to wrong paper.
Yours truly,
Hashimura Togo.
S. P.—Will Mr. Abruzzi be entitled by marriage to seat in U. S. Senate? I am confused for reply.
H. T.