XXXVIIITHE HON. MARY CHRISTMAS
San Francisco, Dec. 12th.
Your Highness Mr Editor which know everything, or know where to look for it.
Dear Gentleman—I give you the Hon. Mary Christmas and hope you will finish it. Tell me to know, Mr. Sir, what is so important about this festival that Americans make such holly-day blow-up of it? “Christmas arrive but once annually,” many persons explain, making handshake. Is this peculiar to Christmas? Do not all other dates arrive annually also? Then why such happen on Dec. 25 as do? I ask to enquire.
I answer it, thank you. The Hon. Christmas is a great give-away festival for all persons of white extraction. Negroes is permitted in this Christmas custom, because negroes is always present when something is being given away. But Japanese can not be Christmas persons, thank you. Why so is it? Because Japanese is all heathens, which is not eligible to Christmas present. If Japanese would obtain valuable presents on this date theymust become Christians. This is too much trouble to do. Is it not more better for Japanese Boy to become Christian for Christmas-time and heathen for all other purposes? Thank you, I will try.
All Japanese living as naybors to me enjoy belief in Buddha with exception to Arthur Kickahajama who is Methodist and W. Furo who believe in Hon. Roosevelt. Hon. Rev. J. W. Chillworthy, American missionary, desire to do something to us heathen, so he look everywhere and find what is necessary. He prepare large Xmas tree at Asiatic M. E. Church and go around to all Japanese Boys with tempting speeches. To me he approach to say,
“Hon. Togo, do you wish to expect valuable Christmas present to equal price of 25c?”
“Would this be cash-gifts or merchandise?” I report.
“Merchandise of considerable merit, because Christmas presents must be this,” command that Chillworthy clergyman.
“I would accept such dry-goods,’ I commit.
“Very well. Then give me 25c money to collect, please.”
“No thank you, Mr. Clergyman, not to do! If Japanese Boy give 25c to collect, what graft would this Christmas present be of value 25c?” This question from me.
“Togo, you are heathen, therefore blind. At Christmas you will receive get-back of 25c to pay for put-up of 25c which you now do. You will be generous to give this price, I will be generous to give it back. This will be Christmas Spirit and keep money in circulation.”
So I deliver this quarter of dollar to Hon. Chillworthy as price. As reward he invite me to Christmas tree for persons of yellow extraction at church where I will please to be, thank you. All Japanese of S. F. has become Christians for this date because free ice-cream will be served.
Last Christmas date Japanese Schoolboy was very recently arrived to America. Therefore I did not know about Christmas. My cousin Nogi reply that this was annual good-will Peace Conference ceremony. Persons having bricks, bottles, shoot-guns, stick-knives and all other political convictions must conceal these under mattrass, thank you. Enemies must meet under kissletoe-vine for sweet-heart conversation. Therefore I remove all firearms, bricks, etc., from my clothing and go out to sidewalk where I watch how Christians enjoy this great festival.
I notice there large flocks of Christians bringing earth-peace feeling together by drinking considerable whisky. City is filled of sailors, plumbers, hack-drivers and other patriots making side-stepto each saloon where more earth-peace is poured in. Finally good-will become very energetic and front of saloon is carried away by excitement. Peace-on-earth continue to make more noisy riot by each minute until pretty soonly police-gentleman whistle for jailcart and all these Christians, broken in several places but making splendid noise with songs, is carried away to city lock-in.
Of course these is very wild Christians what make such behaviour. It is more comfortable to be tamer Christian and take Hon. Christmas home to wife & baby. Such persons get small timber-tree from mountain and plant it in parlour of home. (Some Christians have not got parlours, so they need not feel responsible for Xmas trees.) Branches of this tree is used to hang things on—glass, tin-ware, clothing, groceries, candles or anything else that is very cheap & convenient. Then alarm-clock is set to get-up family by lamp-light. When joy-bell go off all retire to parlour to watch Family Father set fire to Xmas tree by light of candle.
All Christians enjoy Christmas with exception of fire engine man who is too busy throwing water on the insurance.
It is very hard duty to explain to Japanese Infants about Santy Claus, that famous American saint which so closely resemble Marquis Ito in thefoliage of his whiskers. These children enjoy great mental struggles because of their heathen parentage. Little Annie Anazuma, 9-year-age daughter of I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, come to me to enquire like this:
“Uncle Togo,” she resume, “to what extent is this falsehood about that Hon. Santy Claus?”
“Little Annie,” I snuggest, “I speak you honest truth, because you are one childish Japanese. I do not believe this Santy Claus is such person. Why? Because I suspect. Presents here, toys there, books, albums, jumping-up-jacks, photo supplies, sweet confectionary—all these scattered with such immediate delivery all at once and together—I suspect it can not be swallowed. Where would this Santy Claus person obtain so much moneys for give presents to all Christian children, including small negroes? Do Congress appropriate this price? Do Hon. Carnegie donate it? Is Hon. Santy Claus working for U. S. Government or some private corporation? I reply. If he was working for U. S. Government he would not get around so swift. If he was working for some Trust he would not give nothing to nobody. Therefore he is not.
“Japanese child, you are not insane to think. Forget this tell-tale of American mothology. It is too foolish to imagine this Mr. Claus droppingchocolate-creams down each chimney-pipe by such wholesale.”
“No, Uncle Togo,” report this little Annie. “It is well known fact that Christians never give away presents in that sneak-dog manner.”
I shall buy chew-gum for this little Annie Anazuma to eat for Hon. Christmas.
I am considerably sorrow for civilizedation when I make thoughts about this Santy Claus affair. Does not American missionary say to Japanese Boy, “Thou shan’t not lie?” Why then is this lying-instruction given to American children? Hon. Geo. Washington was disgusted to tell a liar. Hon. Roosevelt enjoys faintness after entertaining such persons. He has frequently spoken to Congress about this habit which they enjoy. Why, then, does American gentleman donate presents to baby and lay all blame for the affair to Santy Claus. Is it not cowardly to get out of it in this way?
When American gentleman give Christmas present to wife he does not blame it to Santy Claus because those lady is too smart to believe such talk. Therefore he must confess that he done it himself.
In getting civilized all over herself must Japan do this Hon. Christmas also? I do not require this, because many Christmas customs is not bestgood for all human races. Therefore Japan can get along more quicker without Hon. Christmas, which comes only once annually, but stays long time.
To what use is it, I will please inquire, to give Japan Baby jump-up-jack, toy shoot-gun, little squeak-dog? Would it not be more improving to his tiny brain-thoughts to present him with History-books, electrical apparatus, etc.? Is Mother Geese sing-song book of more knowledge to kindergarten intelligence as some happy treatise for Japanese children like “How to Build a Navy in 15 Lessons?” I enquire.
Also this. American young persons employ their Christmas holiday for make careless amusements like turkey-eat, merrying and flirtating. Would it not be more healthy for their souls if following program was served for Christmas?
8A. M.—Get up for Sunday clothes.
8.30A. M.—Light breakfast of rice & water.
9.00A. M.—practise prize-fighting, feetball & other simple gymnastus.
9.30A. M.—attend lecture on Art, Music & Shorthand.
10.30A. M.—read together from works of John Greenleaf Whittier and relate 6 humoristick anecdotes of Hon. Mark Twain.
Noon—Vegetarian refreshments & light nap till
2P. M.—Mass meeting of all nationalities to discuss Universal Peace.
5P. M.—Tea ceremony at residence of some rich person.
7P. M.—Dinner of fish, pickled turnips & other holiday foods.
8.30P. M.—Attend performance of Ben Hur.
10.30P. M.—Retire after sending out Mary Christmas cards to all friends.
This kind of Christmas enjoyment would make all Christians more healthy. For Christmas present they would give valuable advice and receive choice instruction as come-back. Foreign Americans which now make peace-on-earth by whisky-drinking would not do so. By eating Japanese food all would escape digestion which now makes so many angry groans in bed. Infants & babies would not be faked to by Santy Claus. Fire-engine man would hitch horse and attend lectures, because there would not be no Christmas trees to burn down the insurance. Professors would have fine time talking and all would be obliged to listen. This would be very cheap and natural for each human race.
Whenever I am talked to of giving something to merry Christmas people I tell following Japanese mothology:
In Kyoto, about 12007 B. C., there reside anotorious Poet name of Washu who remain there tranquilly, enjoying blessings of great poverty, thank you. Governing this city there was a gentleman name of Hon. Mamayuki who was celebrated for stingyness and other virtues. On New Year day, time of Japanese Christmas-present, poet Washu send to Hon. Mamayuki following rhythm:
“Dear sir, heaven knows you are serene like the stars—Therefore do you remember Poets now and then?Washu, the Poet, have sang songs for your benefit several administrations,He have handed out tributes to your handsome of face, good-clothes,Not forgetting praise of babies belonging to your several Hon. wives;Also Washu has been regardless about speaking of your generosity.Therefore, Commander of Heaven and Earth,Is it notAbout timeThat you make trifling Christmas-reward to the celebrated sing-songer Washu?I bow down, strike forehead and request reply by return mail.”
“Dear sir, heaven knows you are serene like the stars—Therefore do you remember Poets now and then?Washu, the Poet, have sang songs for your benefit several administrations,He have handed out tributes to your handsome of face, good-clothes,Not forgetting praise of babies belonging to your several Hon. wives;Also Washu has been regardless about speaking of your generosity.Therefore, Commander of Heaven and Earth,Is it notAbout timeThat you make trifling Christmas-reward to the celebrated sing-songer Washu?I bow down, strike forehead and request reply by return mail.”
“Dear sir, heaven knows you are serene like the stars—Therefore do you remember Poets now and then?Washu, the Poet, have sang songs for your benefit several administrations,He have handed out tributes to your handsome of face, good-clothes,Not forgetting praise of babies belonging to your several Hon. wives;Also Washu has been regardless about speaking of your generosity.Therefore, Commander of Heaven and Earth,Is it notAbout timeThat you make trifling Christmas-reward to the celebrated sing-songer Washu?I bow down, strike forehead and request reply by return mail.”
“Dear sir, heaven knows you are serene like the stars—
Therefore do you remember Poets now and then?
Washu, the Poet, have sang songs for your benefit several administrations,
He have handed out tributes to your handsome of face, good-clothes,
Not forgetting praise of babies belonging to your several Hon. wives;
Also Washu has been regardless about speaking of your generosity.
Therefore, Commander of Heaven and Earth,
Is it not
About time
That you make trifling Christmas-reward to the celebrated sing-songer Washu?
I bow down, strike forehead and request reply by return mail.”
Hon. Mamayuki, soon as he receive this poetical rhythm, go to barnyard of Palace and there choose one camel-horse celebrated for hungry appetite. This brutal beast Hon. Mamayuki capture and send to Hon. Washu with following words:
“Little Gift to reward great Poet. Mary Christmas!”
Hon. Washu see this camel-horse and weep thoughtfully. Poets is not given credit for groceries in Japan—so how to feed this menagerie which was no use to Mr. Washu’s profession? Yet it would not be safe for his neck to sell or give away present sent by Gov. of Kyoto. Even while weeping this poetical Japanese embrace that camel pet with one glad thought: Camel-horses is different from plain beasts, because they only needs to eat and drink once time eech month!
“This is great economy for Japanese Poet,” make Washu in brain-thoughts.
But when 1st day of next month come by them brutal animal begin complaining for lunch. Washu enjoy painful thought—but he is brave Samurai. So he lead this camel-pet to kitchen where greatest poverty ensues. “All which I have here you are welcome to and much obliged,” he say to camel-pet. So he bring out 6 pounds rice, 72 pancakes, 14 packages tea, 2 bales straw, 9 yards matting from floor—all these delecatessance which camel-horse devour making lip-smack and other sounds of great thirst. Now at that time there was big drouth in Kyoto and water was very expensive, thank you. But this poetical Washu buy three barrel of water for that camel-horse at price of 2 yen per quart. But camel-pet continue making rusty sounds of voice to request more, please.
At last when this hon. brute begin to eat paper from walls Washu feed him shoes & straw hat and commit hari-kiri after delivering following invitation to Mamayuki, Gov. of Kyoto:
“Dear sir, when next you present Camel to one poor JapanesePlease provide pension with which to pay board for this Zoo;For is it just to donate Palace to gentleman who cannot afford to pay for lawn-sprinkler?Is it generous to endow poverty-persons with ottomobiles when they have not got nothing to buy no gasolene with?Flour, potatoes, beefsteak,Is enthusiastic Christmas-present for all literary Poets,But since Camel cameI have felt White Elephant on fingers.Therefore Washu the PoetGoes dead.If you look for his address,Enquire of Ancestors,For it is very cheap to live when you are dead.”
“Dear sir, when next you present Camel to one poor JapanesePlease provide pension with which to pay board for this Zoo;For is it just to donate Palace to gentleman who cannot afford to pay for lawn-sprinkler?Is it generous to endow poverty-persons with ottomobiles when they have not got nothing to buy no gasolene with?Flour, potatoes, beefsteak,Is enthusiastic Christmas-present for all literary Poets,But since Camel cameI have felt White Elephant on fingers.Therefore Washu the PoetGoes dead.If you look for his address,Enquire of Ancestors,For it is very cheap to live when you are dead.”
“Dear sir, when next you present Camel to one poor JapanesePlease provide pension with which to pay board for this Zoo;For is it just to donate Palace to gentleman who cannot afford to pay for lawn-sprinkler?Is it generous to endow poverty-persons with ottomobiles when they have not got nothing to buy no gasolene with?Flour, potatoes, beefsteak,Is enthusiastic Christmas-present for all literary Poets,But since Camel cameI have felt White Elephant on fingers.Therefore Washu the PoetGoes dead.If you look for his address,Enquire of Ancestors,For it is very cheap to live when you are dead.”
“Dear sir, when next you present Camel to one poor Japanese
Please provide pension with which to pay board for this Zoo;
For is it just to donate Palace to gentleman who cannot afford to pay for lawn-sprinkler?
Is it generous to endow poverty-persons with ottomobiles when they have not got nothing to buy no gasolene with?
Flour, potatoes, beefsteak,
Is enthusiastic Christmas-present for all literary Poets,
But since Camel came
I have felt White Elephant on fingers.
Therefore Washu the Poet
Goes dead.
If you look for his address,
Enquire of Ancestors,
For it is very cheap to live when you are dead.”
Thank you, Mr. Editor, I am going to be Christian on Dec. 25, so as to get back them 25c which Hon. Rev. Chillworthy has took. But I am going to eat like heathen, think like heathen, act like heathen, so that everything about me shall remain in good-healthy condition for 4th of July, when it is unnecessary to be a Christian, thank you. Hoping you get for Christmas present what is coming to you,
Yours truly,
Hashimura Togo.