Scene:Club rooms as before. Time, next day after Act II.
Scene:Club rooms as before. Time, next day after Act II.
Mary.(Discovered as curtain rises.) Alfaretta is very negligent of her work lately. There’s the flowers for the president put away in the corner instead of on the desk, as they should be. (Puts flowers on the desk.) The postman is late to-day. Poor fellow! I wonder if he is stuck in the tube again. I wouldn’t be shot through that tube for anything. Just think of being chucked into that pipe and fired a mile between breaths. The man always looks as if he were out of breath. They say all the carriers have to be hypnotized before they go into the tube. I think it’s cruel. (During this speech she is looking at old letters in boxes.) There are letters here for a member that’s been dead five years. Why didn’t that party give notice of her demise. (Noise outside, L.) There’s Mack bringing the ice. Dear fellow! My heart is all in a flutter. I’ll just wait to see if he comes in here to speak to me. I know he will. He’s blue all day if he doesn’t see me. Oh, if that terrible Birdie Robbins should discover us. I aint a bit afraid of the president. If she ever says boo, I’ll just ask her how the Hon. Brennan de Cork is. Oh, there he comes.
EnterMack, L.
Mary.Good morning, Maxie! You are irresistible this morning.
Mack.Hist, Smiley, we may be overheard.
Mary.There’s no one here.
Mack.Are you sure? If the club found out, you would lose your place and I should be compromised. They are so against love-making.
Mary.Yes, sometimes.
Mack.What do you mean, Smiley?
Mary.Better call me plain Smilax. You are here on business, you know.
Mack.All right, dearie, but what did you mean by thatsometimes?
Mary.Oh, nothing. I know a thing or two.
Mack.I think my driver suspects me.
Mary.Yes, she’s a jealousy old thing.
Mack.Do you think that’s it?
Mary.Sure! Get the company to put on a man.
Mack.Oh, I couldn’t think of trying that. They might suspect, and if they found out I’d be discharged instantly. It’s posted in the rules and in display at that: “All male employés are absolutely forbidden to receive attentions from women, on pain of instant dismissal.” The man has to take all the blame you know.
Mary.I’ll protect you, have no fear.
Mack.(Pleadingly.) Mayn’t I name the day?
Mary.No, not yet. You see, I’ve a good soft job here and I shan’t give it up till the last minute. I’m savin’ money. Now, you’d better go, Maxie. Some onemightcome, you know. (Noise outside, R.) There, be quick. (Snatches kiss. Kiss may be blown if advisable.) Ta, ta!
Mack.(Going L.) Au revoir!
Mary.Just in time. Some one is coming.
EnterHykight, R., followed by members to attend Directors’ meeting. Buzz of conversation.Miss Hykighttakes chair, calls meeting to order. Members seated. Buzz of conversation.
Pres.The meeting will come to order! (Nobodypays any attention.) Order, ladies! (Sharply.) Order, if you please. (Sudden silence.) A special meeting has been called to transact very important business. The call specifies an emergency and was made at the instance of Vice-president Robbins. Secretary, are the directors all present?
Sec.(Reads roll.) Hykight, Robbins, Lightfoot, Doughflyer, Willie Jones—not present. Is Miss Jones in the city, does any one know?
Daisy.(Rises with solemn demeanor.) Miss President, I have an unpleasant duty to perform. (All in attitude of expectancy.) I regret to say that Miss Willie Jones is no longer worthy to be a member of this club.
Chorus.Oh! What has she done? Do tell us.
Daisy.The story of her treachery is soon told. She has eloped!
Chorus.Good gracious!
Dollie.Andsotimid!
Birdie.(Severely.) Timid, indeed! All put on! I knew all the time that she’d do something. She’s as sly as a weasel. I think no motion is necessary to strike her name from the roll.
Pres.(Gravely.) No, that is not necessary. Secretary, strike Miss Jones’ name from the roll. If there is no objection I will appoint Miss Dollie Giglette director in her place. Now, Miss Robbins, you may state the object of the meeting.
Birdie.Oh, I’m so overcome, I must have a moment’s time. (Uses smelling bottle.) That horrid, sly, deceitful Jones girl has completely upset my nerves.
Dollie.Miss President, I think I can state the object of this meeting, if Director Robbins will allow me. It’s all about two men who get in here accidentally. I think there’s a good deal of pother about nothing. I advised Robbins to let the whole thing drop.
Birdie.When such things are overlooked or winked at, the days of the Anti-homo Club are numbered, its purpose wholly defeated. Dissolution is at hand.
Dollie.Well, if a little thing like that is going to kill it, I say—
Birdie.(Severely.) What does the constitution say?
Dollie.If you insist, then let us take the matter up. One was the ice man who has a yearly permit to call once a day between the hours of 9 and 10 a. m. The other was a plumber.
Birdie.I saw the wretch! He was no plumber.
Dollie.A plumber is what is known as an emergency man and needs no permit, just as a male doctor was once called in to treat a member, in an emergency.
Birdie.I demand an investigating committee.
Dollie.Oh, I make no objection if you think it so important as that. But emergencies will arise. The ice man and the postman can not always be on time. As we know, under the new system, the postman is shot through the Instantaneous Pneumatic Delivery Company’s tubes. Only a few days ago the poor fellow stuck in the tube owing to his carelessness in dropping a peach pit as he entered the chute. Reversing the engine only wedged him tighter and he would have smothered if one of the professors in charge had not thought to fire fresh oxygen balls at him by means of the new aluminum, vacuum, weather-report gun. Now they can’t shoot a plumber through the tubes because—
Birdie.I insist this was no plumber. Plumbers don’t wear eye-glasses. I found his on the floor. (Produces glass.“Ohs”by members.)
Pres.Suppose we call Mary. (Pulls bell.)
Daisy.We might as well go to the bottom of the matter. It’s sure to get into the papers now.
Birdie.Yes, thanks to the indifference of the Public Censor, Adelaide Witherspoon.
EnterMary, L.
Pres.Mary, have you seen any men in the club rooms?
Mary.Only the licensed ones.
Birdie.(Severely.) Smilax, do you ever examine their licenses?
Mary.Why no! I know them all.
Birdie.How careless! Now tell me plainly, have you seen anything here that didn’t look right?
Mary.(Confused.) Why, I—that is—
Dollie.Robbins, had you not better leave all this to the investigating committee?
Birdie.Let the president name it then.
Pres.I name the president, the secretary and Miss Dollie Giglette.
Birdie.I’ll have no whitewashing.
Pres.(Sternly.) Is this a reflection on the chair and the committee?
Birdie.I make no charges. I only demand my rights. As the one making the motion, custom demands that I be named on the committee. Add Doughflyer. Doughflyer has the best interests of the club at heart.
Daisy.I shall try to act in this grave matter as would become my illustrious ancestors the Du Fays who came over with the Normans.
Dollie.Oh, I’m a Norman, too.
Pres.We are making much of a trivial matter.
Birdie.You will find it not so trivial before we get to the bottom. Smilax, tell me plainly, did you see a plumber in the club rooms yesterday?
Mary.I? Goodness, no!
Birdie.Did you see a dude?
Mary.(Throws up hands.) Laws a me, no!
Birdie.Well, I did, and so did Giglette. With him was another person, a fine-looking person I regret to say, who evidently had no business here.
Daisy.A dude! Shocking! A plumber is bad enough but a dude—Let the investigation proceed.
Sec.(Starting uneasily.) Miss President, I decline to serve on that committee. In fact, I have an important communication to make and deem this an opportune time. I hereby resign my office and my membership in the club. (“Oh’s”as before.)
Pres.(Solemnly.) This investigation apparently is about to assume a personal tone, which I deprecate and can not countenance. I also resign rather than be a party to such an inquisition. (Rises, vacates chair, comesdown C. Sensation“oh’s,” “Did you ever,”etc.) And I don’t mind saying further, since certain persons are so inquisitive, that Chief of Police, Brennan de Cork has consented to change his name soon to Hykight. (Sensation as before.)
Dollie.Congratulations, old chap!
Sec.(Rises and comes out from desk.) And Mr. Blake of the gas company has at last consented to become Mr. Blake-Lightfoot. I’ve saved enough for two.
Dollie.Shake, old chap! (Groans, others buzz.)
Mary.And, if you please, ladies, I give notice. Next month I lead Mr. Mack to the altar. (Excitement.)
Birdie.And you too, Smilax! Since you were a tiny waif, this club has been your mother and has watched over you. We taught you to be a new woman, and this is our reward.
Mary.Oh, please, Miss Robbins, I respect you greatly, and I do love the club dearly (sighs), but I love dear Mack more. I just couldn’t help it. (Cries with face in apron.)
Birdie.There’s nothing to do but close the doors. The club is dead. (Wipes eyes.)
Dollie.(Crosses R. C., takesBirdie’shand.) Cheer up, Robbins, cheer up. You are not a marrying woman. I value freedom too much to surrender it. And there’s Doughflyer, she’ll stick by us. She has principles—and aname. We’ll go on as before.
Birdie.The mischief is done.
Dollie.We’ll reorganize if necessary. (She leadsBirdiedown C., dress stage.)
Birdie.(Sadly.) No, we never can survive this disaster. The old woman will laugh at the new, and ridicule kills. The club is dead. The finger of progress goes back on the dial of time at least a century. Good-bye dear, old club, the scene of my busiest, happiest, hours. Good-bye forever.
Curtain.
ONLY COLD TEAA TEMPERANCE FARCEBy T. S. DENISONAuthor ofOdds with the Enemy, Initiating a Granger, Wanted, a Correspondent, A Family Strike, Seth Greenback, Louva, the Pauper, Hans Von Smash, Borrowing Trouble, Two Ghosts in White, The Pull-Back, Country Justice, The Assessor, The Sparkling Cup, Our Country, Irish Linen Peddler, The School Ma’am, Kansas Immigrants, An Only Daughter, Too Much of a Good Thing, Under the Laurels, Hard Cider, The Danger Signal, Wide Enough for Two, Pets of Society, Is the Editor In? The New Woman, Patsy O’Wang, Rejected, Only Cold Tea, Madam P’s Beauty Parlors, Topp’s Twins, A First-Class Hotel, It’s all in the Pay-Streak, The Cobbler, A Dude in a Cyclone, Friday Dialogues.Also the Novels,The Man Behind, An Iron Crown, etc.CHICAGO:T. S. DENISON, Publisher,163 Randolph Street.
ONLY COLD TEA
A TEMPERANCE FARCE
By T. S. DENISON
Author ofOdds with the Enemy, Initiating a Granger, Wanted, a Correspondent, A Family Strike, Seth Greenback, Louva, the Pauper, Hans Von Smash, Borrowing Trouble, Two Ghosts in White, The Pull-Back, Country Justice, The Assessor, The Sparkling Cup, Our Country, Irish Linen Peddler, The School Ma’am, Kansas Immigrants, An Only Daughter, Too Much of a Good Thing, Under the Laurels, Hard Cider, The Danger Signal, Wide Enough for Two, Pets of Society, Is the Editor In? The New Woman, Patsy O’Wang, Rejected, Only Cold Tea, Madam P’s Beauty Parlors, Topp’s Twins, A First-Class Hotel, It’s all in the Pay-Streak, The Cobbler, A Dude in a Cyclone, Friday Dialogues.
Also the Novels,The Man Behind, An Iron Crown, etc.
CHICAGO:T. S. DENISON, Publisher,163 Randolph Street.