ONLY COLD TEA.COPYRIGHT, 1895, BY T. S. DENISON.
COPYRIGHT, 1895, BY T. S. DENISON.
Time of playing, twenty minutes.
Bottles with labels and cold tea, hand-satchel for doctor, books, bottle of smelling salts, cane for Dick.
R.means right of the stage;C., center;R. C., right center;L., left;1 E., first entrance;U. E., upper entrance, etc.;D. F., door in flat or back of the stage. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience.
Scene—Slightly’s Parlor. Doors Right and Left. May have door at only one side, and one back, or only one door, if no better can be done. Sofa, table, chairs, etc., to taste. Discovered, Mrs. S., and Alice, as curtain rises, seated by table C.
Scene—Slightly’s Parlor. Doors Right and Left. May have door at only one side, and one back, or only one door, if no better can be done. Sofa, table, chairs, etc., to taste. Discovered, Mrs. S., and Alice, as curtain rises, seated by table C.
Mrs. S.Alice, I’m afraid Dick Plyer takes a little too much wine.
Alice.I begin to think so myself. At that dinner at the Brown’s he came pretty near making a show of himself.
Mrs. S.Go slow, Alice, don’t get too fond of him.
Alice.Leave that to me. I am decided on one thing and that is I shall never marry a tippler. There may be enough trouble in the family already.
Mrs. S.Sister, what do you mean by that, neither of our brothers drinks.
Alice.No, thank heaven, but you don’t have to go so far as that.
Mrs. S.(Jumps up, drops her work.) Alice, what do you mean?
Alice.I mean your husband, Mr. Bob Slightly.
Mrs. S.Alice, this is unkind of you. Robert never was intoxicated in his life. He says so himself.
Alice.Before long he may not be able to say that. Sister, you don’t hear what people say, as I do.
Mrs. S.(Distressed) Alice, what do they say?
Alice.Well, they say that since Mr. Bob Slightly’s old chum, Dick Plyer, has returned from the west, that both are taking a great deal more liquor than is good for them.
Mrs. S.But Robert is so kind and so good natured he can’t refuse, and his business requires it, you know.
Alice.I know it doesn’t. How does brother John get along in the same business, without constant treating?
Mrs. S.But Robert never was drunk in his life. He has often told me so. He never told me a lie yet.
Alice.But he forgets that he has a liking for it, and that his appetite will grow.
Mrs. S.Alice, you alarm me, this is dreadful. Oh, anything but a drunkard! But why do you encourage Dick Plyer, if he is so dangerous?
Alice.Encourage him! I never encouraged him. I wanted to be sure of his character, and now that I know his weakness I shall decline his company.
Mrs. S.But what can I do for poor Bob?
Alice.Take the wine off your own table.
Mrs. S.I never thought of that. But then Robert wishes it. It is necessary for his digestion he says.
Alice.If put to the test which would he prefer? You or the wine?
Mrs. S.Oh me, of course. He is so fond of me.
Alice.That is what all wives say. Listen to me. Dick Plyer has written me a note that he will call this very evening. He’ll come up with Bob and you will set out refreshments. The men will make a pretense of eating, but they will drink a great deal more. For some men the wordrefreshmentsmeans drink. They don’t care a snap about the eating.
Mrs. S.Oh goodness! I’ve noticed some men eat enough for a family.
Alice.Take my advice and observe them closely.
Mrs. S.But what can I do?
Alice.I have a plan. To show your husband the effects of intoxication in its true light just get drunk yourself.
Mrs. S.(Surprised.) I get drunk! Horrors! Alice, are you crazy?
Alice.Not a bit of it. That’ll teach him a lesson he won’t forget soon.
Mrs. S.(Decidedly.) I shan’t do it, that would be disgraceful.
Alice.(Laughs.) Just pretend, you goose. Did you think I wanted you to march down the middle of Broad street swinging your hat and singing “We wont go home till morning?”
Mrs. S.You are ridiculous.
Alice.Seriously, try it.
Mrs. S.When?
Alice.Now, this very evening.
Mrs. S.It would be a great joke. But I can’t act a part as you can.
Alice.Oh, it’s easy. Just stagger a little and look silly and say idiotic things. You’ve seen men drunk.
Mrs. S.Do you think Robert would get angry?
Alice.He might, but it’ll set him to thinking. Of course he mustn’t find out the trick.
Mrs. S.I’ll do it just for a lark, all to ourselves.
Alice.It’ll be a capital joke. I’ll pretend not to know what ails you.
Mrs. S.How shall we proceed? Robert will be home pretty soon to take his bicycle ride before dinner.
Alice.I’ll fill a wine bottle with cold tea and put glasses on the table. (Exit L. for things.)
Mrs. S.Alice is so full of mischief. I’m afraid I can’t do it right. I’ll have to stagger and hiccup I suppose and be quarrelsome. That is the way drunken men always act in plays.
Re-enterAlicewith two bottles and glasses, L.
Alice.(Looking at label.) “Veuve Clicquot.” How’s that?
Mrs. S.Goodness, he’ll think I’ve been drinking champagne.
Alice.So much the better. Muss up your hair. Look silly. (MussesMrs. S.’shair.)
Mrs. S.Oh, Alice, I can’t do it.
Alice.Yes you can. (Noise outside, R.) There he comes. Sing a song! (Spills liquid on table.Aliceseated L. takes book and pretends to read.)
Mrs. S.Poor Bob! it’ll be such a shock!
EnterBobgaily, R.
Bob.Hello Pussie, I’m home early, you see. (Notices her.) Why Puss, what ails you? (Alarmed.) Another spell, dear?
Mrs. S.Oh, Bob! you dear old—goodness me. (Staggers to sofa and buries her face in the cushions.)
Bob.(Alarmed.) Why, she is sick! Alice, what ails her?—why didn’t you telephone for me?
Mrs. S.(In changed voice.) Bob, you’re a trump!
Bob.Oh, she’s out of her head!
Alice.(Reading.) I guess not.
Bob.I say she is very sick. (Feels his wife’s pulse.) She’s in a fever! How long has she been taken? (Petulantly.) Why do you sit there so unconcernedly. Puss—Puss. When was she taken?
Alice.(Reading.) Oh, I found her that way when I came in. She said she wasn’t sick.
Bob.But don’t you see she is sick? Can’t you do something?
Alice.(Reading.) Do something yourself. She’s your wife.
Bob.Heartless creature! put that book away. (Snatches book away fromA., and flings it out L.)
Alice.(Jumping up.) That’s manners, Mr. Slightly!
Bob.(Dancing around excitedly.) Do something, for heaven’s sake. She’s in a high fever, she’ll faint. (Mrs. S.groans.) Get the salts, quick! You stand like a post. Rub her hands. (Darts out L. saying) I’ll call Dr. Gagg. (Women do not hear this.)
Alice.(Going toMrs. S.) Get up you ninny, you are not half playing it.
Mrs. S.(Laughing.) Poor Bob, it is too bad, it distresses him. I can’t do it right.
Alice.Well, I could. Sing, dance!
Mrs. S.Why Alice, you shock me!
Alice.Then upset the table, break something, stagger. (Mrs. S.staggers round room. Flings a book across the room.) That’s it, throw something at his head.
Mrs. S.I’ll upset the table!
Alice.Do it!
EnterMrs. Neverdun, R.
Mrs. N.I’ve been ringing half an hour! (AliceandMrs. S.scream in chorus,Mrs. S.falls on sofa as before.)
Alice.(Aside.) That horrid Mrs. Neverdun!
Mrs. N.Dear me! Is she sick?
Alice.Yes, one of her fainting spells! Call some one please, quick! (RubsMrs. S.’shands.)
Mrs. N.(Down front, looks at bottles, sniffs suspiciously.) Well I never! Them bottles looks awful suspicious. This is pretty goins-on for respectable people.
Alice.(Busy working withMrs. S.) Oh, Mrs. Neverdun, please do something. The salts are on the side-board. Call Mr. Slightly.
Mrs. N.(Down front.) She’s drunk! Champagne, too! That’s a matter for the church. I s’pose I’ll have to testify.
Alice.(Coming down.) Mrs. Neverdun, don’t let her fall. Go to her. (Mrs. N.goes toMrs. S.)
Mrs. N.I guess she aint very bad!
Alice.I’ll call Robert. (As she goes L., sweeps bottles off table, one in each hand, leaves glasses, runs out L.Mrs. S.gets up angrily.)
Mrs. N.Don’t excite yourself, dearie!
Mrs. S.Hold your tongue, woman!
Mrs. N.Laws a me! She’s gittin’ sassy, jist like a man!
Mrs. S.I wont be insulted in my own house!
Mrs. N.Dear me suz! Who’s insultin’ you, I’d like to know?
Mrs. S.You are, you know it, too!
Mrs. N.Highty tighty, that’s the best proof in the world of your condition. You are a real nice lady when ye’re sober.
Mrs. S.(With scorn) Do you mean to say, Mrs. Neverdun, that I am not sober? You are a gossip!
Mrs. N.Oh, don’t go a callin’ names. I aint a callin’ any.
Mrs. S.Oh dear, it’ll be all over town before night.
Mrs. N.An’ s’posin’ it is? What kin women expect that goes an’ gits full o’ that nasty champagne. An’ it goes right to the head, too, an’ stays there.
Mrs. S.How do you know?
Mrs. N.Bob Slightly has had enough experience to tell his wife better.
Mrs. S.Oh, Mrs. Neverdun, don’t speak that way. You are mistaken, I can explain it all.
Mrs. N.I aint askin’ no explanations.
Mrs. S.Please say nothing about this. I’ve been foolish. Be my friend, will you?
Mrs. N.Good land, haint I always been yer friend? I haint an enemy in the world as I knows of. An haint I been active in the sewin’ society an’ didn’t I give them as nice refreshments as anybuddy? If I am nobuddy but Ole Missus Neverdun, aint I as good as the best of ’em. (Gets voluble, talking faster and faster.) I aint no fool, I kin tell ye.
Mrs. S.Yes, but—
Mrs. N.I don’t care a tuppence fur their talk. My tea an’ my coffee an’ my doughnuts aint beat nowhere.
Mrs. S.Yes, but I—
Mrs. N.I don’t care a rap. Mrs. Hartley wears dimons and lace and she sets a mighty poor table, an’ I aint afraid to tell her so. They all eat at my house till I thought they’d bust. (Mrs. S.laughs.) You kin laugh Mrs. Slightly, but I won’t be put on. (More and more excited.) An’ I’ll have my say when it comes to that. Sallie Neverdun aint the kind to be put on an say nothin’.
Mrs. S.But Mrs. Neverdun—
Mrs. N.I aint castin’ no reflections onyourtable, fur it was bang up, an’ I sez right there, to Marier Wilkins, sez I, “this layout beats Mrs. Hartley’s with her dimons an’ her kerridges an’ she—”
Mrs. S.(In despair.) But, Mrs. Neverdun, haven’t I always been your friend?
Mrs. N.I’ve nothin’ agin you, Mrs. Slightly. Haven’t I just said that many’s a time? I said to Marier Wilkins that your table beat Mrs. Hartley’s all holler, with her dimons an’ two niggers to dish salat an’ turn coffee. Why, her salat—
Mrs. S.(Excitedly.) ButMrs.Neverdun—
Mrs. N.There! it’s goin’ to her head agin. Lay down a spell.
Mrs. S.Goodness!dolet me say a word.
Mrs. N.An’ haint ye been talkin’ all the time, I’d like to know!
Mrs. S.Please don’t say a word of what happened here this afternoon. I can explain it all.
Mrs. N.I aint askin’ no explanations, I tell ye. Everybody must think Sallie Neverdun is an inimy o’ mankind goin’ round devowerin’. The whole town knows I wouldn’t harm a worm o’ the arth. But s’posin’ it gits out an’ the church hauls me up as a witness, I reckon they’dmakeme tell.
Mrs. S.I’ve made a pretty mess of things. (Calls.) Robert! Alice! Where can they be? (Going L., meetsAliceentering.)
Alice.(Aside.) Get rid of her.
Mrs. S.Hist, we must explain all. (They turn C. towardsMrs. N.) Where is Robert?
Alice.I don’t know. The cook says he went tearing down the street bare-headed.
Mrs. N.No wonder he’s tearin’ round. It’s enough to make any man tear round!
Alice.(ToMrs. N.) Go and look for Bob.
Mrs. S.Oh goodness, what shall I do?
Mrs. N.Don’t excite her, young woman! Lie down, dearie.
Mrs. S.(Indignantly.) I am perfectly well.
Mrs. N.Indeed you are not, you are dreadfully flushed! Are ye sick at the stummick? You must lie down. (LeadsMrs. S., resisting, to sofa.) Alice, arrange the cushions. (Just as they get her comfortably located.)
Enterhastily R.,Slightlyfollowed byDr. Gagg. Latter puts pill bag on table and goes to patient.
Alice.(Aside.) Now the fat’s in the fire.
Bob.Are you better, darling?
Mrs. S.(Faintly.) I think so. I didn’t need Dr. Gagg, dear.
Dr.Nothing like precaution, madam. (Feels her pulse.) Some fever. Any vertigo?
Mrs. S.(Faintly.) Yes.
Dr.Mr. Slightly, your wife’s nerves are unstrung!
Mrs. N.Well, I should think so.
Dr.She must have quiet. She’ll be all right to-morrow.
Mrs. N.(Aside.) Knowed that much myself.
Bob.(Anxiously.) What is the matter, doctor?
Dr.Old complaint with complications. (Mrs. S.throws up her hands unnoticed byDr.) Her nerves are unstrung. Observe the abnormal action of the levator labiæ superioris, the orbicularis oris and the levator palpebrarum.
Mrs. N.Land o’ rest! jist hear that!
Dr.I think there is a slight difficulty, too, in the decussation of the medulla oblongata which has established a sympathetic action with the solar plexus and the pneumogastricus.
Mrs. N.Say, Dr. Gagg, what does all that rigmarole mean? hysterics?
Dr.(Glaring at her.) The science of medicine, madam, has made many advances since you were a child.
Mrs. N.Ye don’t say! An’ I s’pose it’ll keep on a-dancin’ till a doctor knows when a person’s—(warning gesture fromMrs. S.)
Dr.(Aside toBob.) That woman is exciting your wife. Get rid of her.
Bob.How the——what can I do with her?
EnterDick Plyer, gaily, R.
Dick.I say, old boy, I was just going past—(SeesMrs. S.) I beg pardon. Is Mrs. Slightly indisposed?
Bob.Only a slight nerve attack.
Dick.I’m very sorry if I disturb her.
Mrs. S.It is nothing at all. I am glad to see you, Mr. Plyer. Alice, please show Dick a chair. (GivesAliceknowing look.)
Alice.Take this seat, Mr. Plyer. (Then goes and whispers toMrs. S.)
Bob.I say, Dick, wont you go into the smoking room? I’ll join you as soon as I can leave my wife.
Dick.Oh, certainly, I’m awful sorry! Can’t I be of any use?
Dr.Just one moment, Mr. Slightly. Take this prescription to be filled at once! Make haste! Dose every half hour, till patient finds relief. Miss Alice, wet a cloth with vinegar and place it on her forehead. The solar plexus is dangerously disturbed.
Mrs. N.That’s an anatomy I never heerd tell of.
Alice.Robert, I wish to speak with you, if Mr. Plyer will step into the smoking room meanwhile.
Dick.Certainly! At your service. (Bows politely, exit D. F.)
Bob.(Going withA., L.) Excuse me a moment, Dr.
Dr.(ToMrs. N.) A word with you, madam. (They come down C. soMrs. S.can not hear.) You appear for some reason to excite the patient. You had better go at once.
Mrs. N.Oh, I kin take a hint.
Dr.I mean for her sake, you know.
Mrs. N.You needn’t palaver. What ails her?
Dr.(Mysteriously.) A very strange case, madam. Very strange. It would baffle the skill of a young practitioner. The eye of science madam—
Mrs. N.I ’low it takes the eye o’ science to see through a grindstone when there aint no hole in it.
Dr.(Pleased.) Exactly! I’ve had in my lifetime just three such cases, all since la grippe came. I may say, in fact, that I have discovered a new disease.
Mrs. N.Doctor Gagg, you are a wise man. (He bows and looks puzzled.)
Dr.A compliment madam?
Mrs. N.Nonsense! Did you smell her breath?
Dr.(Surprised.) I, no indeed! Why should I?
Mrs. N.You’ve made a fool of yourself. She’s drunk, that’s all!
Dr.(Excitedly.) A fool! Drunk! Why madam, this is scandalous.
Mrs. N.Oh, keep cool. You’ll get well paid to say nothin’. But didn’t I see the bottles on the table?
Dr.But it is impossible.
Mrs. N.Didn’t I see her stagger? If you don’t b’lieve, look at the puddles of wine on the table. Smell it.
Dr.(Puts finger in liquid spilled, smells.) True! Why, this is an insult to my profession.
EnterBob, followed byDickandAlice.
Bob.Dr. Gagg, I wish a word in the smoking room.
Dr.(Indignantly.) I have a word, too, sir. You have insulted my profession, sir.
Bob.But hold, I’ll explain.
Dr.I’ll not hold. I am the victim of a hoax. Your wife is not sick at all.
Bob.(Nettled.) Why didn’t you find that out at first, then?
EnterDick.
Dick.Yes, the eye of science, solar plexus, vinegar and water, etc. (laughs). That’s great stuff. There’s nothing like science.
Dr.You are offensive, sir. I’ll have nothing to say toyou. (ToBob.) Now, Mr. Slightly, your conduct is most inexcusable.
Bob.But I’m trying to explain that it was all a little joke between my wife and her sister. She was only pretending.
Dr.(Pompously.) And I am to be the victim of other people’s jokes. You shall pay for this, sir.
Bob.Send in your bill.
Dr.Bill! Who cares for the paltry fee! My professional feelings have been outraged. The profession is not to be trifled with. Mr. Slightly, I’ve a mind to sue you for damages.
Bob.A fig for your dignity!
Mrs. S.Oh, Robert!
Dick.Let him sue. Get me on the jury.
Dr.(Taking up pill bag angrily.) I shall consult my attorney at once.
Bob.Save the trouble and the fee! Let lawyers alone! Make your bill as large as you please. I prefer to be plucked by one man rather than by two.Your professional dignity will at least insuresilence.
Dr.(Growling.) Humph!Myfeelings are nothing! (ToMrs. N.) Madam, let me say to you that you are a meddling old fool!
Mrs. N.Dr. Gagg, while ye’re at it say there’s a pair of us. Bob Slightly may pull the wool over your eyes, but he can’t fool me. Didn’t I see champagne bottles, and didn’t I see her stagger, an’ didn’t—
Mrs. S.Mrs. Neverdun, this is too much—
Bob.Easy my dear! (Restrains her.)
Alice.(ToDick.) Oh, Mr. Plyer, can’t you do something?
Dick.(Bowing politely.) I’ll try. (Steps forward toMrs. N., good humoredly.) Mrs. Neverdun, let me say a word. I’ve always maintained that you can set a better table any day than Mrs. Hartley.
Mrs. N.Well, I should say!
Dick.Now, when I stand up for people I want them to stand up for me.
Mrs. N.Them’s my principles!
Dick.Now, I can clear this matter up in just a minute. Miss Alice, bring in those bottles and glasses. (Alice goes L.) We’ll clear up this mystery in short order. I guess I’ve seen enough of champagne to know it when I see it.
Mrs. N.Dear me suz, I reckon nobody’ll deny that.
Re-enterAlicewith bottles.
Dick.(Takes bottle pours out liquid.) Now this isonly cold tea. Smell it, Dr. Gagg, smell it, Mrs. Neverdun. (They smell.) Look! there’s a tea leaf in it. If any body wants to smell the table do so.
Mrs. N.Well I vum!
Bob.(ToMrs. S.) Dick’s a trump!
Dick.Now mum’s the word all round. Just a little joke of the ladies.
Mrs. N.Good land, I aint a tellin’ anything!
Dick.It must be quits, is mum the word?
Bob.My dear, what a lesson, I’ll never touch another drop.
Mrs. S.Oh, you dear Bob. (Puts arm in his.)
Dick.Mrs. Neverdun, I still stick up for your table. (Dress stage,Dr.angry, R.,Mrs. N.,Dickdown C.,AliceL.,Mr.andMrs. S.arm in arm by table.)
Mrs. N.I reckon you will. It’s the best in town.
Dick.I am going to Mrs. Hartley’s to dinner next Wednesday, and—
Mrs. N.Land o’ Goshen! Then jist come to my house Thursday an’ I’ll show ye a dinner ’at’ll be a dinner. What do I care for Mrs. Hartley an’ her kerridge an’ dimons an’ fiddle faddle—
Quick Curtain,whileMrs. N.is talking.
A FIRST-CLASS HOTELA FARCEBy T. S. DENISONAuthor ofOdds with the Enemy, Initiating a Granger, Wanted, a Correspondent, A Family Strike, Seth Greenback, Louva, the Pauper, Hans Von Smash, Borrowing Trouble, Two Ghosts in White, The Pull-Back, Country Justice, The Assessor, The Sparkling Cup, Our Country, Irish Linen Peddler, The School Ma’am, Kansas Immigrants, An Only Daughter, Too Much of a Good Thing, Under the Laurels, Hard Cider, The Danger Signal, Wide Enough for Two, Pets of Society, Is the Editor In? The New Woman, Patsy O’Wang, Rejected, Only Cold Tea, Madam P’s Beauty Parlors, Topp’s Twins, A First-Class Hotel, It’s all in the Pay-Streak, The Cobbler, A Dude in a Cyclone, Friday Dialogues.Also the Novels,The Man Behind, An Iron Crown, etc.CHICAGO:T. S. DENISON, Publisher,163 Randolph Street.
A FIRST-CLASS HOTEL
A FARCE
By T. S. DENISON
Author ofOdds with the Enemy, Initiating a Granger, Wanted, a Correspondent, A Family Strike, Seth Greenback, Louva, the Pauper, Hans Von Smash, Borrowing Trouble, Two Ghosts in White, The Pull-Back, Country Justice, The Assessor, The Sparkling Cup, Our Country, Irish Linen Peddler, The School Ma’am, Kansas Immigrants, An Only Daughter, Too Much of a Good Thing, Under the Laurels, Hard Cider, The Danger Signal, Wide Enough for Two, Pets of Society, Is the Editor In? The New Woman, Patsy O’Wang, Rejected, Only Cold Tea, Madam P’s Beauty Parlors, Topp’s Twins, A First-Class Hotel, It’s all in the Pay-Streak, The Cobbler, A Dude in a Cyclone, Friday Dialogues.
Also the Novels,The Man Behind, An Iron Crown, etc.
CHICAGO:T. S. DENISON, Publisher,163 Randolph Street.