“I feel just as happy as a big sun flower,That nods and bends in the breezes,And my heart is as light asThe wind that blows the leaves from off the treeses.”
“I feel just as happy as a big sun flower,That nods and bends in the breezes,And my heart is as light asThe wind that blows the leaves from off the treeses.”
“I feel just as happy as a big sun flower,That nods and bends in the breezes,And my heart is as light asThe wind that blows the leaves from off the treeses.”
“I feel just as happy as a big sun flower,
That nods and bends in the breezes,
And my heart is as light as
The wind that blows the leaves from off the treeses.”
I haven’t been that way since I was forty. At thirty I was in love with every pretty face and figure. What a pretty name,Angie. (EnterGin.) And those eyes! (Gin.makes extravagant gestures of satisfaction.) And that exquisite little mouth! And what a lovely chin—ah! the chin is an important feature. Yes, Cadwalader Topp, this is love. (Gin.makes gesture of embracing a lady.) Old boy you have it again, same old symptoms aggravated. I’ll dress at once and call on her this very day. At my age no time is to be lost. My age! Pshaw! Age does not consist in years. (Turns suddenly, seesGin.D. F. in act of embracing imaginary lady. Tableau.)
Quick Curtain.
Scene.House ofJosiah Twiggs. Cozy sitting room. Doors in 1 R. and L, window by door R and in flat. Furniture that of family in comfortable circumstances. Table near window up R., pictures, vases, etc. Discovered, Mr. and Mrs. Twiggs seated by table.
Scene.House ofJosiah Twiggs. Cozy sitting room. Doors in 1 R. and L, window by door R and in flat. Furniture that of family in comfortable circumstances. Table near window up R., pictures, vases, etc. Discovered, Mr. and Mrs. Twiggs seated by table.
Mrs. T.Josiah, do you think there is anything in that advertisement in theSun?
Mr. T.Which advertisement, Sophronia? There are several hundred of them.
Mrs. T.I mean the one about wealthy gentleman who wants to adopt twins. Is there anything in it?
Mr. T.A tale of disappointed aspiration, probably. A gentleman, without doubt, whose taste runs to twins and who has been reduced to the necessity of advertising for them.
Mrs. T.But what do you think of it?
Mr. T.For my part, I don’t approve of twins.
Mrs. T.Don’t you think he is a crank?
Mr. T.Very likely! A crank is an individual whose ideas differ from yours and mine and who takes no pains to conceal the fact.
Mrs. T.Do you think he’s all right? (Hands him paper.)
Mr. T.(Looking at advertisement.) He says high connections, honorable gentleman, etc. I guess he’s what he claims to be. He must be, he says so himself.
Mrs. T.The main thing is, is herich?
Mr. T.Yes, that’s the main thing. Honor, culture, family, are minor considerations.
Mrs. T.Josiah, don’t be sarcastic. You always try to twist my meaning round. I’m going to have Mrs. Twiggs-Knott apply at once. It would be so nice for Twiggsie and Dixie.
Mr. T.Why not try to get this estimable single party of high connections to marry one of our daughters?
Mrs. T.Josiah, how you talk!
Mr. T.That is a better scheme. If he takes Amelia he gets the twins thrown in, and if he takes Angie—
Mrs. T.For shame, Josiah, one would think that we were scheming for our dear children.
Mr. T.Oh, no! perish the thought! (Knock at door, R.)
Mrs. T.Hist! Go to the door. (Twiggsopens door R.)
EnterMr. Topp.
Topp.Ah! excuse me! Is this Mr. Twiggs?
Twiggs.Yes, come in.
Topp.(Embarrassed.) I called on a little matter of business. I—that is to say—
Twiggs.My wife, Mrs. Twiggs. (Toppbows to her.) Be seated. (Topptakes chair by table.) Your daughter gave me this address. (Mrs. T.seated, L.)
Mrs. T.(Aside.) Amelia has seen him already. (ToTopp.) Go on, sir. My daughter’s friends are very welcome here.
Topp.I told her I would call.
Mrs. T.You advertised.
Topp.(Embarrassed.) Don’t mention that, pray.
Mrs. T.Oh, I beg pardon. We can guess your errand.
Topp.(Aside.) She’s a mind reader.
Mrs. T.You have exhibited excellent taste. Such loveliness is seldom found, I assure you.
Topp.Yes, I quite agree. (Aside.) A modest family truly!
Mr. T.(Nudging his wife.) Go slow at first.
Mrs. T.At your age, sir, to be a father to budding innocence is indeed a joy.
Topp.(Surprised.) A father! Yes, yes, no doubt you are right. (Aside.) Am I old Nestor himself, I wonder!
Mrs. T.To read love in its eyes each day.
Topp.(Aside.) That’s better! (ToMrs. T.) Delightful, madam, delightful!
Mrs. T.To hear innocence lisp in stammering accents is indeed—
Topp.Ecstatic, madam, I assure you. But I draw the line at stammering—does she stammer?
Mrs. T.You meanthey.
Mr. T.(Nudging his wife.) He meansher.
Topp.I meanshe.
Mr. T.He, she, them! Who, which, what! I see!
Mrs. T.He means Amelia, the mother. How sudden!
Topp.(Astonished.) She a mother!
EnterAngie, R. Crosses toMrs. T., who rises.
Mrs. T.(NudgingT.) A charming gentleman, I’m sure. (ToTopp.) My daughter, sir.
Topp.(Bowing.) Ah, miss, that is to say, madam—I came—
Angie.(Bows bashfully; surprised.) Sir, I do not understand this sudden call.
Topp.Of course not. Explanations will follow duly.
Mrs. T.(With meaning look.) A friendly call my dear, and a little business mingled.
Mr. T.Yes, business first and pleasure after.
Topp.I dislike the word “business” but—perhaps sentiment should cut no figure in such matters. (Aside.) Mercenary wretches!
Angie.(ToTopp.) Then my mission has not been in vain?
Topp.(Graciously.) No, indeed. I assure you though it may have originated in a mistake.
Angie.A mistake!
Topp.Great events have sprung from little misunderstandings. To make a long story short, Mr. Twiggs, I have come directly to you.
Mrs. T.(Puzzled.) To him?
Topp.And why not to him, madam!
Mrs. T.Very proper, sir. You have acted in a business-like manner. (ToTwiggs.) A very nice party!
Topp.(Aside.) Business again! (Down R.)
Mrs. T.(ToTwiggs.) Which does he want, wife or twins?
Mr. T.Both!
Mrs. T.Shocking! how very strange!
Topp.Hu’m! as I was saying—(ToMrs. Twiggs.) And you, madam, since I take it you should be consulted also, where do we find ourselves? (Pause, they all look at one another.)
Mrs. T.Proceed, sir.
Mr. T.Yes, we are all ears.
Topp.I was about to suggest that the presence of your daughter may be embarrassing.
Mrs. T.Oh, never mind her. She is used to hearing all such matters discussed.
Topp.(Starting.) Ah, indeed! Such matters—(Aside.) I don’t like this. A trap—(A pause.)
Mrs. T.Continue, my dear sir.
Topp.Madam, I do not agree with you. I had the pleasure of seeing your daughter but once, and I wish to satisfy myself a little concerning certain matters. In short, aprivateinterview is the proper thing.
Mrs. T.Mercy me!—Oh, I begin to understand. He wants to talk toyou, Josiah. How stupid you are.
Mr. T.Exactly! How stupid we are.
Mrs. T.What is the man driving at? (Suddenly toTopp.) Who are you?
Mr. T.Yes, as a mere formality it might be well to know your name.
Topp.Since your daughter has already called on me perhaps she will do me the honor of an introduction. (Aside.) She’s a little angel.
Mrs. T.My daughter has called on you? Is this so, Angie dear?
Angie.Yes, mother.
Mrs. T.In answer to an advertisement?
Angie.Yes.
Mrs. T.(Hysterically.) Oh, rash girl! This is terrible! This is the wretch who advertised for a young lady for private secretary. (Sarcastically.) Tall, blonde preferred, etc., etc. (Here describesAngie.) Oh, silly child! Oh, horrid wretch! Josiah,willyou endure this insult and never say one word or lift a hand in defense of your fireside.
Mr. T.Never mind the fireside, it’s all right. What does the gentleman want?
Mrs. T.What does he want? he’s a monster!
Angie.(Remonstrating.) Oh, mother!
Topp.(Astounded.) Madam, one word—
Mrs. T.(Tragically.) Wretch! Not a word! My poor lamb! (TakesA.in her arms.) Left without a protector. And the wolf is at the door.
EnterTicksuddenly, R.
Tick.Wolf at the door! (Aside.) That’s hard on me.
Twiggs.Who the devil are you, sir, to enter my house in this unceremonious fashion?
Tick.I heard the sound of females in distress. I answered the call. Madam, your lamb shall have protection. The policy of this great free country is—
Mr. T.Bosh! I have not the pleasure of your acquaintance. Who are you?
Topp.Bless my soul, our dog-fancier again! Stick to your trade young man, and don’t meddle with political economy. You had better go, sir.
Mr. T.And who are you to order people out of my house.Youhad better go too.
Tick.Yes, go to—(Waves him away with comical gesture.)
Topp.(Aside.) Ordered out of my own house! (ToTick) Confound it, I’ll not go!
Mr. T.Then I shall be obliged to eject you.
Tick.That’s right, old man, throw him out. (Crosses L. toAngieandMrs. T.) Don’t be afraid ladies.
Mr. T.Now go will you!
Topp.I wont!
Mr. T.We’ll see about that. (Business of pushingTopptoward door, R.)
Topp.Why bless me if he doesn’t mean it. Well, I didn’t graduate in a university for nothing. I know a little of the manly art. (HitsTwiggsand knocks him over table, sending books flying.) You have a little my advantage in years (or height, or weight, as case may be) but you’re welcome to it.
Twiggs.(Recovering.) Don’t come on again! My blood is up.
Topp.Your blood! (KnocksTwiggsinto window and breaks it.)
Mrs. T.(Rushes between them.) Don’t hurt him, Josiah.
Mr. T.Do not alarm yourself, my dear, I’ll not.
Tick.(Getting ready to holdTopp.) Steady boys, steady.
Topp.(FlingingTickaside.) Get out of my way.
Mr. T.You have broken my window.
Topp.Mywindow, if you please, sir.
Mrs. T.Yourwindow?
Topp.Yes, madam,mywindow.
Mrs. T.(Screams.) Mercy me, it’s Mr. Topp, our landlord.
Mr. T.What! Mr. Topp, of Topp & Topp?
Topp.(With great dignity.) Yes, sir, Cadwalader Topp, sole proprietor of Topp & Topp, oyster packers. My card, sir. (Hands card.) You have treated me with great indignity, sir. I shall not forget it. (Going.)
Mr. T.All right, make a note of it, if you choose.
Mrs. T.(Pulling atTwiggs’coat.) Josiah, we are undone. Run and apologize.
Mr. T.Apologize, never! Now, sir, (FollowingTopp.) I challenge you to a round outside. (Mrs. T.screams.)
Angie.Mother, please be quiet.
Topp.I’ll have you up for assault and battery.
Mr. T.Try it if you dare.
Tick.Three cheers for the old man.
Topp.And what’s more, you shall repair that window!
Mr. T.Never!
Mrs. T.Josiah, do be quiet. You are so indiscreet.
Topp.We’ll see about it. Take my word for that. You have the form of lease which reads “All repairs at expense of tenant.” And now Mr. Twiggs, since you know who I am I leave you to your own reflections. (Going R.)
Mrs. T.Please, sir, don’t be hasty! This is all a mistake.
Topp.I quite agree in that sentiment. Madam a great mistake, but not too late to mend it. (Going R.) I withdraw my proposal for your daughter’s hand. (Exit R.)
Mrs. T.Daughter’s hand! Oh! oh! support me Josiah.If you don’t Ishallfaint. (He moves to support her; pushes him off angrily.) Josiah, follow him at once and apologize, or I shall—
Angie.Let the old bear go. The idea!
Tick.(Aside.) Good for the little one.
Mrs. T.Josiah, we are undone.
Mr. T.Underdone, you mean.
Mrs. T.That’s just like you, Josiah, to perpetrate small-beer witticisms over the misfortunes of your own family. Now you are actually laughing.
Mr. T.Do you want me to cry, Sophronia?
Mrs. T.No, it’s a man’s place to be brave and assert his rights.
Mr. T.I was too brave, my dear. (Looks at broken window, all laugh.)
Mrs. T.Ishall not let him withdraw so easily. I shall write and say his proposition is considered favorably.
Angie.Oh, mama! How indelicate.
Mrs. T.Pooh, my child, you know nothing about such matters. Even delicacy may be overdone.
Angie.I detest him, mama.
Mrs. T.You will learn to love him. Consider it settled.
Tick.(Aside.) ThenIam undone. (ToMrs. T.) Madam, your precious child has indeed escaped a wolf. He is an old mormon, or worse, I’ll bet ten dollars.
Mrs. T.He’s worth millions.
Mr. T.And yet he wont pay for that window.
Mrs. T.Josiah, it is painful to think how you let sordid considerations influence your actions. You must see him and explain.
Mr. T.I’ve nothing to explain.
Angie.Let the hateful old thing go.
Tick.(Enthusiastically.) Right you are. Let the old bear go to—
Mrs. T.Husband, youmustsee him at once. This is the opportunity of a lifetime.
Mr. T.Idon’t care to see him.
Mrs. T.You are perfectly absurd to-day, Josiah.
Tick.(Stepping forward.) Madam, I will see him.
Mrs. T.But you are a stranger, you do not understand the case.
Tick.I understand it perfectly. I shall call him to account. I will demand an apology; if he refuses, I will—by jingo, I will challenge him!
Mrs. T.No! No!That would spoil all.
Tick.He shall not insult defenseless females while this good right arm retains its—its—ah—
EnterSpratt, suddenly, R.
Spratt.Villain, I have found you. You shall not escape!
Tick.(Shrinking away.) Why, hello, partner!
Spratt.Don’t “partner” me. I’m on your track.
Mr. T.(Looks atTick’sfeet.) Not a bad sized track either! (ToTick.) Perhaps, you won’t mind explaining why he is on your track. (MeetsTickR. C.)
Spratt.That man has ruined me. The opportunity of a lifetime dashed in a moment.
Mrs. T.(Throws up hands.) Another opportunity gone! Oh, dear! That’s just what ails us!
Mr. T.Another rumpus brewing. I’ll steer them away from the window. (Maneuvers to the other side.)Gentlemen, would you mind discussing this matter on the sofa?
Spratt.You’re an underhanded sneak.
Tick.You’re an openhanded fraud.
Mrs. T.How dreadful!
Angie.Rivals, I venture! How romantic! A real adventure!
Spratt.It is no romance, I assure you. My poor twins, Grover Cleveland Spratt and Benjamin Harrison Spratt are left fatherless—no I don’t mean that. They are—in short they areleft.
Tick.Oh, he’s talking about his pups.
Spratt.(Furious.) If you say pups again there’ll be bloodshed. Iwon’tstand it.
Mrs. T.(Screams.) Oh, dear me! Josiah, can’t you do something?
Mr. T.If it’s a question of blood come outside. A grass plat is better to shed blood on than a carpet. We’ll paint the lawn red.
Spratt.(Going.) Come on!
Tick.Excuseme! (Looks atAngie.) I have an engagement here.
Mrs. T.Josiah, do get rid of these horrid men.
Mr. T.(TakesTickby arm.) Come, sir, no vacillation. A brave man never hesitates.
Tick.Never! Do I vacillate? No, I refute the charge with indignation. I was only waiting to take leave of the ladies. (Bowing politely.) Ladies, au revoir.
(Exeunt men, R.)
Angie.He’ssogallant!
Mrs. T.Dear me, child, what a series of adventures. And your father is so slow to act in a crisis.
Angie.Poor Pa! I just don’t like that horrid old Topp one bit. I’ll tell him so, there now!
Mrs. T.Pet, you’ll do nothing of the sort. Mr. Topp is such a dear man.
Angie.Bald as a peeled onion!
Mrs. T.A mark of dignity. A patent of nobility in America.
Angie.A patent! Say trade mark. Why doesn’t he put it on his oysters.
Mrs. T.Your levity is in bad taste. Where is the dignity you inherited from your father and mother? You must learn to love him.
Angie.I’m not good at learning by heart. (Aside.) Isn’t Mr. Tick handsome!
Mrs. T.I’m uneasy about Josiah. He’s so careless of consequences. (Exit, R.)
Angie.(Laughs heartily) Oh, that ridiculous old man! And he never saw me but once. (Laughs.)
EnterMrs. T-K.L.
Mrs. T-K.What are you laughing at, sister?
Angie.(Laughing.) Oh, it’s too funny, I’ve just had a proposal!
Mrs. T-K.A proposal! How romantic!
Angie.He’s worth a million!
Mrs. T-K.No! What delightful luck. Did you sayyesinstantly.
Angie.I did not.
Mrs. T-K.Sister, don’t be reckless. Do not tempt Providence, for a millionaire is a gift of Providence to a marriageable girl. Take him instanter.
Angie.Well, I wouldn’t take him if he was worth ten millions.
Mrs. T-K.Angie, are you crazy? or just a fool?
Angie.Just, a fool, I suppose, Amelia.
Mrs. T-K.Yes, of course, young girls usually are.
Angie.Widows embody all wisdom, I suppose.
Mrs. T-K.They at least know a good thing when they see it. I hope you didn’t say no.
Angie.(Laughs.) He didn’t give me any chance to say no. He and Pa had a misunderstanding and Pa told him to go.
Mrs. T-K.(Astonished.) And he went away, offended of course. How unfortunate.
Angie.No, he just refused to go at all.
Mrs. T-K.Refused to go! What then?
Angie.(Laughing.) He knocked Pa through the window! (Points to broken glass.)
Mrs. T-K.Horrors! Pa is so indiscreet, but then if he is a true lover, obstacles will only fan the flame.
Angie.And windows prove no obstacle!
Mrs. T-K.Windows, indeed! Who is he?
Angie.Mr. Topp, of Topp & Topp.
Mrs. T-K.(Springing up.) What! Mr. Topp? The bachelor who wants to adopt twins?
Angie.The same.
Mrs. T-K.And you called on him to say a good word for my darlings, Twiggsie and Dixie?
Angie.I did.
Mrs. T-K.And you said one word for them and a dozen for yourself.
Angie.Now, sister, how can you? I said all I could for your boys.
Mrs. T-K.Indeed! What did you say?
Angie.Oh, it was too funny! There was a younggentleman there by the name of Tick, and they talked so many things that they got me all confused so I can’t remember what I did say.
Mrs. T-K.Artless creature!
Angie.(With dignity.) Mrs. Twiggs-Knott, may I ask what you mean by that epithet?
Mrs. T-K.I mean you are greatly mistaken. It wasmethat Mr. Topp came to see.
Angie.You!Impossible! Didn’t I read love in his eyes.
Mrs. T-K.(With sneer.) Oh, if it has come to reading love in his eyes, we may consider it settled. That sort of reading can be done just as well with the eyes closed.
Angie.Possibly, I’ve had no experience.
Mrs. T-K.Well, you are in a fair way to get it.
Angie.Spare your comments. The teacher need not be a third party.
Mrs. T-K.He said he would be sure to write to me.
Angie.And to me, too.
Mrs. T-K.He took special interest in me and said he was very, very sorry he could not do something at once, or words to that effect.
Angie.He took my address.
Mrs. T-K.Address! That was a matter of form. He expressed great regret that he could not devote more time to my matter.
Angie.Expressedregret! (Archly.) Well he exhibited great pleasure at my call.
Mrs. T-K.Pooh, common politeness only. For me it was a deep interest. I read it in his—(Stops suddenly.)
Angie.Eyes? Ha, ha, ha, you are taking lessons, too, sister. Well, I called within two minutes after youleft and if his countenance expressed any sentiment it was plainly bad humor.
Mrs. T-K.Which your smile immediately thawed.
Angie.Indeed it did.
Mrs. T-K.Angie, I think you are real mean.
Angie.Well, sister, seriously, I don’t want him, you are welcome to him.
Mrs. T-K.(Brightening.) Iknowhe called for me and, oh, such a horrid mistake. I shall die. (Screams.)
EnterMrs. T.R., running.
Mrs. T.What is it my dear!
Mrs. T-K.Mr. Topp called for me instead of Angie.
Mrs. T.No! You don’t say. Why do you think so?
Mrs. T-K.He told me that he was coming, or at least would write.
Mrs. T.What a dreadful misunderstanding! We are all ruined! (Screams.) Josiah! Come! Quick! Where is that man?
EnterMr. T.hastily.
Mrs. T.Mr. Topp called for—
Mr. T.Confound Topp.
Mrs. T.We are ruined!
Mr. T.We have been ruined so often, my dear, that I rather enjoy it.
Mrs. T.Now, Josiah, don’t try to be funny. When you try to be funny the effect is painful. Husband, do you realize the calamity that has befallen us?
Mr. T.Yes, I guess you mean the window.
Mrs. T.The window—indeed! Oh, the obtuseness of men! Mr. Topp has proposed for the hand of the wrong girl.
Mr. T.No!
Mrs. T.No! Is that all you can say? You never say anything butno.
Mr. T.My dear,nois a very convenient little particle to calk chinks in a colloquy.
Mrs. T.This can never be repaired.
Mr. T.The window?
Mrs. T.Don’t talk eternally of that window. The match!
Mr. T.Exactly! the match of course! Sophronia, I suggest we try welding. The soft solder of diplomacy may result in the union called matrimony.
Mrs. T.Girls, do you hear that? Never marry a man who thinks he is funny. It is an incurable vice that breaks out at unexpected moments, to your utter confusion.
Mr. T.But, ladies, I protest I am not funny.
Mrs. T.We agree there.
Mr. T.Can you not distinguish between a well-turned sentence and—
Mrs. T.A small pun. Josiah, if you were a man of action you would do something instead of asking useless questions.
Mr. T.I don’t care to go into action twice in the same day.
Mrs. T-K.(Groans.) I think it’s a shame!
Angie.It’s funny.
Mrs. T.(Severely.) So your father appears to think. What is to be done? That is the question.
Mr. T.Let him change his bid and submit sealed proposals.
Mrs. T.There you go again. Husband, you must see him at once.
Mr. T.I’d rather not.
Mrs. T.Duty and the happiness of your child call you. (Authoritatively.) Go!
Mr. T.I prefer not to tackle him again to-day.
Mrs. T.All right, I go myself. Between two evils we must choose the best. I will go.
Mr. T.My dear, I wont allow it. We must choose the worst. I’ll beard the—that proverb is stale—I’ll just beard him. Or shall I not rather unbeard him? (Majestically. With pompous, martial air.) The die is cast and fortune—um—ah—
Mrs. T.Josiah, go. (Points.)
Quick Curtain.
Scene.House ofMr. Toppas in Act I.
Scene.House ofMr. Toppas in Act I.
EnterGinger, showing inMrs. T-K., L.
Gin.Massa Topp’ll be in soon. I’ll take your cahd.
Mrs. T-K.Just say a lady.
Gin.Yes’m. (ExitGin.R.)
Mrs. T-K.Oh, I’m in such a state! What if Angie is right after all and Mr. Topp is in love withher? (Sighs.) Ah, well! Ididthink he admired me and then his asking me to write about dear Twiggsie and Dixie. But I just couldn’t writeallabout them, they’re so charming. To tell him in a confidential way will be much nicer. Pa is sure to bungle matters. Men always do. I must see Mr. Topp and make sure of this goldenopportunity for my precious boys. If he should marry, perhaps he wouldn’t want to adopt twins. No, of course not. How absurd. Oh, dear, what a complication! What shall I do?
EnterMrs. Dubbledam, R.
Mrs. D.Goot mornin’ lady. You waits for sompody?
Mrs. T-K.I want to see Mr. Topp.
Mrs. D.Yes, peesness?
Mrs. T-K.Veryurgent business.
Mrs. D.Urchent! Dot will be of great importance, aint it? Mr. Topp comes sometimes home pretty guick, an’ sometimes he comes later. He haf his lunch at one o’clock. What was your peesness? Some togs?
Mrs. T-K.Dogs! No, indeed! I have business of great importance.
Mrs. D.Togs was of much importance by some peoples. One woman brought a leetle tog under each arm. When I told her Mr. Topp would kill tem she got mat like fury an’ says she, I yoost like to see him try dot.
Mrs. T-K.I don’t like dogs.
Mrs. D.Den you yoost agree mit Mr. Topp. He can’t pear mit togs an’ goats an’ such animals like dot.
Mrs. T-K.I admire his taste! Oh, I think he is such a fine gentleman.
Mrs. D.Lady, he is fine like golt. He has one heart so big as dot. (Holds hands enclosing space to show great size.) He treats me yoost like his mother.
Mrs. T-K.Oh, go on, I love to hear you talk of him!
Mrs. D.So? Well, he was gweer sometimes. He got a notion of twins?
Mrs. T-K.(With interest.) Yes?
Mrs. D.One day he say right out sudden like, “Mrs. Tuppletam, we must haf some twins.” For tree days I tink about dot an’ by myself I make nodings out. Dot was a Chinese puzzle. Mr. Topp he say one day he was goin’ toadoptdem twins. Den it was all glear an’ I say what a kindness in dot heart.
Mrs. T-K.I could listen to you all day.
Mrs. D.Ach, so? Shall you listen all day? Come in my room an’ we can talk more quiet.
Mrs. T-K.Thank you, I will. (Exeunt R.)
EnterTopp, L.
Topp.(Solus.) I said I’d never be a fool again, but I am. Ah! what a face! What a figure! And that smile! Yes, Topp, old boy, you’re in love again for the first time in twenty years. The sensation isn’t bad either. In fact, it is delightful. I feel young again. Didn’t I knock that old chap out easily. Stay! that washerfather, that was an indiscretion. I must apologize handsomely. But “the course of true love never did run smooth.” I think I’m no bad match. (DubbledamandMrs. T-K.appear in door, R.) My figure isn’t so bad! Nor my hair! Nor my complexion, thanks to abstemious living! (Adonis, business before glass.Mrs. D.knocks two or three times, R., finally enters.Mrs. T-Kin door.) Ah, you there, Dubbledam? (Confused.) What do you want?
Mrs. D.Eeef you please, Mr. Topp, I knock two three times already.
Topp.Very well. What is it?
Mrs. D.A lady who haf peesness important. (Dub.retreats R.)
Topp.(Adjusting articles on secretary, without looking at her.) Some charity, I suppose. Madam I have already given all I can afford for the present.
Mrs. T-K.(Smiling.) Pardon me, you told me to call again or write.
Topp.(Looks up, recognizes her, comes down C.) Oh, so I did! (With decision.) But I saidwrite. I have no time for interviews.
Mrs. T-K.Writing is impossible. Twiggsie and Dixie aresocharming. I’m sure if you only saw them!
Topp.(Aside.) Dogs again! (Curtly.) Madam I don’t want them.
Mrs. T-K.But you haven’t seen them.
Topp.I tell you I won’t look at them.
Mrs. T-K.But you told me to call or write!
Topp.(Annoyed.) The same old story. You’ve called and lost valuable time and car fare. You shan’t lose anything by me! (Produces wallet.) There’s twenty dollars! (She starts. He thrusts money in her hand.) I’ll take them! (Calls.) “Dubbledam.” (Dub.appears R.) Tell Potts to drown them in the fish pond.
Mrs. T-K.(Screams.) Drown them! Oh, sir! My precious darlings! Oh, oh!—the brute! (About to swoon.Toppcatches her. He is greatly embarrassed.)
Topp.Help! Dubbledam! Here’s a pretty row. And all about some puppies.
Mrs. T-K.(Suddenly recovering.) Puppies, sir! Do you insult me? Who said dogs?
Topp.You did, madam.
Mrs. T-K.Never! I was talking about my dear, darling twin boys, Twiggsie and Dixie.
Topp.Whew! Another affair truly! (Aside.) Afine woman, too! (Begins to laugh;Mrs. T-K.andDubbledamjoin.) Madam, this is a most ludicrous situation. I beg your pardon.
Mrs. T-K.Oh, pray don’t mention it.
Topp.I beg a thousand pardons. How ludicrous, to be sure! Madam, I am very sorry, but I may add that I do not think now of adopting twins!
Mrs. D.Vot! No twins alretty!
Topp.No, Dubbledam. I’ve changed my mind. In short, I might as well tell you now to put the house in order. I’m going to marry!
Mrs. D.Marry! Mine cracious!
Mrs. T-K.(Starts.) Marry! Then I suppose I may at least—(Embarrassed, stops.)
Topp.Congratulate me? Yes. The prettiest little blonde (or brunette, as case may be; here describeAngie.) imaginable.
Mrs. T-K.(Aside.) Angie! she was right. (ToT.) I congratulate you. I—yes, I hope you’ll be happy.
Topp.Thank you. Dubbledam, show the lady out. I wish you a very good day, madam. (ExeuntMrs. D.andMrs. T-K.L.) What a ridiculous misunderstanding. Pshaw, who cares! Love rises superior to misunderstandings. (Hums snatch of song.) I’m too happy to be annoyed at anything, and, hold on—am I too happy for it to last? In the bright dictionary of youth—
EnterGin.L. Showing inMr. Twiggs.
Gin.(Announces.) Mr. Twiggs.
Twiggs.I beg pardon for the interruption. You were speaking of thelexicon. Lexicon, permit me, sir, is the better word. Nothing like it to polish up orthography.
Topp.(Coming forward.) Mr. Twiggs, I owe you an apology. That little affair at your house was highly censurable, I assure you. Do you forgive me?
Twiggs.Of course! Itwasa little brusque, but nobody was hurt. You took me by surprise, but I’ll put on the gloves with you any time that suits your convenience.
Topp.(Grasping his hand.) Don’t think of such a thing, sir. At your age—
Twiggs.At my age—do you think I’m as ancient as the pyramids?
Topp.I beg pardon! (Confused, aside.) I must be more guarded.
Twiggs.All right, Topp! (Aside.) I’ll have to playoldman if he is to be my son-in-law.
Topp.It is all forgotten. The hatchet is buried.
Twiggs.(GraspingToppby hand.) My dear boy, the hatchet is in the bottom of the bay. (They shake.)
Topp.Then, to proceed to the point directly. I’m a man of few words. I want to pay my addresses to your daughter.
Twiggs.Exactly!
Topp.It is understood?
Twiggs.It is.
Topp.And there is no obstacle?
Twiggs.None that I know of.
Topp.Thank you. Excuse my apparent haste. You were a young man yourself once.
Twiggs.Unquestionably.
Topp.And you can appreciate a young man’s feelings.
Twiggs.To a dot.
Topp.Thank you. Thank you. (Clasps his hand.) We can arrange details at our leisure.
Twiggs.Yes, plenty of time for that. The details will take care of themselves.
Topp.The preliminaries were soon settled.
Twiggs.Yes, though I happen to think of one preliminary that might be a little clearer. Which one of my daughters do you mean?
Topp.(Astonished.) What! Which one (Pause)—have you several?
Twiggs.Only two, sir. Will you be kind enough to specify the lady by name?
Topp.(Puzzled.) Let me see! (Looks for note book in pocket.) Really I can’t recall her name. (Cannot find book.)
Twiggs.Ah, I see—memory not so good as formerly. (Aside.) Another break, hang it!
Topp.You are mistaken, sir, it is the confusion of love. You said you could appreciate a lover’s feelings. (Can’t find note book.)
Twiggs.Of course, beg pardon. (Aside.) If I succeed I’ll be the first on record.
Topp.Stay, I have an idea.
Twiggs.(Aside.) Returning reason. (ToT.) Let’s have it.
Topp.She knows.
Twiggs.Of course, why didn’t we think of that sooner.
Topp.(Laughs.) Certainly! She knew it before I did, the sly puss.
Twiggs.But hold on! What if she won’t tell? Don’t you think it would be rather embarrassing for the lady to speak her mind first?
Topp.Quite right you are. Now I have it, I’ll describe her.
Twiggs.That is a practical idea.
Topp.She is tall.
Twiggs.They are both tall.
Topp.And good looking!
Twiggs.(With slight bow.) Our family is noted, sir, for the comeliness of it’s female members.
Topp.Her smile is simply enthralling!
Twiggs.Exactly! But allow me to remark that you are a single man and do not know the power of the female smile as a social lever, especially when a new bonnet or a new gown is its focal point. You must try again, sir.
Topp.(Hesitates.) Her eye is like the gazelle’s.
Twiggs.Gad, sir, yoursisa bad case. Allow me to suggest that you name the color of the aforesaid optic, or better still the color of her hair? By the way have you a lock of her hair?
Topp.A lock of her hair on one day’s acquaintance! (Remonstrates.) Oh, sir, you wrong your child.
Twiggs.Excuse me, no offense, but a plain old father like me can’t be supposed to keep tally on all the innings of an affair like this.
Topp.No, of course not.
Twiggs.Do you happen to remember the color of said hair?
Topp.Yes, golden.
Twiggs.Oh, yes, some call itred! I’ll speak to Angie.
Topp.(Eagerly.) Angie, that’s her name.
Twiggs.And, as lovers are usually impatient, I’ll attend to the matter immediately.
Topp.I’ll be very grateful. (They go, L.) I’ll show you out myself, sir. Good day. (They shake hands. ExitTwiggs,Toppgoes up R.) Well, that matter is in pretty good shape. A bad beginning makes a good ending.
EnterGinger, showing inTick, L.
Gin.Mr. Tick! (ExitGinger, L.)
Tick.(Aside.) It’s risky, but I’ll try it. (ToTopp.) Mr. Topp! (Toppdoesn’t hear.) Mr. Topp!
Topp.(Turning.) Sir?
Tick.I called in relation to a matter of mutual interest.
Topp.You are the individual who called before and spent an hour, on pretense of business, in listening to my private affairs and reading my letters. Your interest in my affairs is altogether too great.
Tick.(Brusquely.) Allow me if you please,this isbusiness. I come with a message from her. (Crosses to C.)
Topp.From whom, pray?
Tick.You know well enough who. She declines the honor.
Topp.Do not speak in riddles. To whom do you refer?
Tick.To Miss Twiggs, of course.
Topp.(Furious.) Why you monkey, who are you? Her father has just been here. (Getting angrier.) You are insulting. I’ll have Potts kick you down stairs. (Rings bell.) Where is that lazy niggro?
EnterSpratthastily followed byGinger, L.
Topp.(FacingTick.) Who are you anyway?
Spratt.I can tell you! An imposter. Your rival who traduces you.
Topp.(Sneeringly.) My rival! That man! Fiddlesticks!
Spratt.He has traduced you, sir. He called you names. I’ll leave it to Mr. Ginger.
Gin.(Grinning.) Yis, sah.
Topp.What did he say, Potts? (Ticktries to catchGinger’seye. Pantomime of giving coin.Toppseverely.) Now look here, Ginger! What ails you? What did he say?
Gin.I’m tryin’ to think of the word. It’s powerful long. A deceptive octagon, sah, that’s it.
Topp.Eh! What’s that?
Gin.A—de—um—that’s what I said.
Spratt.A decrepit octogenarian, that was the epithet.
Gin.Dat’s it! A decreptive octogon—narium.
Topp.(ToTick.) Why, sir, this is infamous! This is actionable. The law sir—bother the law’s delays. I’ll call you out, sir.
Tick.To take a drink?
Topp.(Thunders.) To take a drink? No, sir. To the field of honor, sir, at thirty paces.
Tick.(Starts.) That’s a pretty small field.
Topp.Say forty paces then, I’m not particular. I demand satisfaction.
Tick.I always try to give my customers satisfaction.
Topp.Confound your customers. (Ticklaughs heartily.) What are you laughing at, sir? (Ticklaughs again. Shaking his fist atTick.) Don’t provoke me! I cannot answer for the consequences. Commercial affairs have no place in an affair of honor.
Tick.My customers tell me that frequently. (Laughs.)
Topp.May the devil take your customers from first to last. (Ticklaughs immoderately.Toppfurious.) If you don’t stop your laughing, I’ll knock every tooth out of your head.
Spratt.His conduct is very ungentlemanly.
Topp.In the extreme! In the extreme! I can’t fighthim. He is no gentleman.
Tick.(Aside.) Indeed! I’ll try a bluff. (ToTopp.) I insist on fighting.
Topp.You insist! I’ll accommodate you, sir, if the code will possibly allow it. To begin, sir, you are in trade. Old honorable house, may I ask? (Ticklaughs.) You are laughing again, young man. To judge by your conduct the house is scarcely respectable. (Ticklaughs immoderately.Toppjerks off coat.) Now, sir, take your choice. Stop laughing or be knocked down without ceremony.
Tick.I beg pardon! My laugh goes off very easy. It’s a hair-trigger laugh.
Topp.Don’t let it go off again. I warn you. Head of house or member of firm?
Tick.Neither! Traveling salesman.
Topp.Traveling salesman! That would never do. (ToSpratt.) Would it?
Spratt.Never!
Tick.But I insist!
Topp.(ToSpratt.) He insists. Is there no way of accommodating him?
Spratt.I suggest you make him give up all pretentions to the young lady and then boot him out of your house.
Tick.Boot me out of the house. Well, that’s cheek enough for an office seeker, you puppy!
Spratt.Puppy! Dare you call me puppy? I’ll— (Makes towardTick.Toppprevents him.)
Topp.Stay, restrain your impetuosity. Your only remedy is to call him out after I have done with him. As for booting him out of the house, no gentleman could so deport himself toward another gentleman. Do you think I could stain my honor by kicking him?
Spratt.No, it would not do. Let the nigger kick him.
Tick.Gentlemen, this waiting is a bore. (Theatrically.) To fight or not to fight, that’s the question.
Topp.Permit me one more question. Are you wholesale or retail?
Tick.Wholesale only.
Topp.Ah, that is better! And your house I have no doubtisof high standing. Doubtless A1 in the books? (Ticklaughs immoderately.Toppadvances furiously shaking his fist atTick.) Mr. Spratt, restrain me, or Iwillknock him down, in spite of the code. I see nothing to laugh at. An affair of honor is a serious affair, I’d have you understand. Perhaps this is your first.
Tick.It is.
Topp.Then you shall have a new experience. You may consider it settled.
Tick.(Frightened.) Do you insist?
Topp.Certainly, sir! Consider it settled.
Tick.But, my dear sir, all these objections—
Topp.Are waived, sir. Choose your second. Mr. Spratt, will you favor me by arranging details on my part?
Spratt.With pleasure!
Tick.(Aside.) Good Lord! I’m in for it.
Topp.(ToTick.) Call a friend!
Tick.Say the undertaker. I object.
Topp.It is too late to object, sir. Choose yoursecond. The undertaker will make a goodthird.
Tick.Are you trying to scare me! I can’t be bluffed!
Topp.Oh, certainly not.
Tick.I’d as soon fight as eat, but—ah—I’ll be magnanimous. I’ll spare you.
Spratt.That’s cool.
Topp.Sir, this is additional provocation. I insist on fighting.
Tick.But think of the loss to your business if you should fall.
Topp.(Getting angry.) Mr. Spratt hasten the details, I am anxious to teach this young man a lesson. I suggest Blackberry Hill. There is no other such spot near Baltimore. (ToTick.) It is a beautiful spot.
Tick.I don’t doubt it.
Topp.There I had the pleasure of acting as second for the Hon. Kidwell Kroup in his great duel with Major Brocklestein. The major winged my man first fire, but it was a beautiful affair gentlemen, beautiful. A few years later, I had the pleasure—excuse me for being personal—of meeting there myself, Col. Hicksby Snodgrass, C. S. A. And the Colonel wears only one arm since that hour.
Tick.(Groans.) Very cheerful, indeed!
Topp.Delightful, I assure you. So choose your second and we’ll have the whole affair over before the authorities get wind of it.
Tick.I shall be delighted to hasten matters. (Whispers aside toGinger.)
Topp.(ToSpratt.) Now, my dear sir, I leave all to you. Use expedition. (ToGin.) Show the gentlemen out. (ExeuntSprattandTick, L.) Ah, well this may be serious after all. But it is only an incident and the true gentleman lives in an atmosphere of incidents. I’ll write her. Bless her little heart, honor demands that I do and dare for her like a knight of old. (Sits at table to write.) “My dear Miss Twiggs”—No, that is too formal—“My dear Angie”—how does that sound?—that’s a little familiar possibly for one day’s acquaintance. (Tears up sheet of paper with each change.) How about themy—well I guess I’m sure enough of themy. But “My dear Angie” is too long. I’ll try “Dear Angie.” That’s better, but why not make it stronger? Women feed on compliment and are taken by audacity in love. As old Horace advised I’ll plunge “in medias res.” So here goes: “Sweet Angie”—that’s better. But that is not enough. How very inadequate language is to portray all the delightful sensations of new born love. (Thinks.) “Sweet Angie—My Pet”—that’s the thing—“This will inform you that I cannot see you again to-day. A little affair” (Pause.)affair—I wonder if that will alarm her? No, women admire courage—“An affair of honor requires immediate attention. Shall see you soon. May I close with a kiss?”—that’s a little bold—“a sweet, sweet kiss?” There you are, that’ll please her. “Au revoir and a final sweety—sweety kiss.” You can’t put too much of the sweet business into an affair with a young lady. You must love them distractedly, or you’ll never please them. (Sighs.) How shall I sign it? Cadwalader Topp is too formal. I’ll risk it. It sounds more affectionate.“Caddie,” that used to be my pet name. While I’m about it I’ll just say “Your Caddie.” There you are! (Seals and addresses. Rings bell.)