THE NEW WOMAN.COPYRIGHT, 1895, BY T. S. DENISON.
COPYRIGHT, 1895, BY T. S. DENISON.
Women.
Horrid men.
Time of playing, one hour.
R.means right of the stageC., center;R. C., right center;L., left;1 E., first entrance;U. E., upper entrance, etc.;D. F., door in flat or back of the stage. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience.
Birdie Robbins, make-up of prim old maid.
Miss Pink T. Hykight, stylish, modern according to taste.
Dollie Giglette, mannish and easy swagger of a polite swell.
Mary, neat working dress.
Other Ladies, modern, according to taste.
Bertie,First Act. Swell dude, bloomers, veil, long, pointed shoes with gilt chains from knee-buckles to toes of shoes, eye-glass, cane, and any other suitable extravagance. He must not however look vulgar.Second Act.Blue or brown drilling pants and working coat, slouch hat, whiskers, plumber’s kit, tongs, lead pipe, hammer, etc.
Blake, first appearance, plain business suit; second appearance more natty with buttonhole bouquet.
Mack, blue or brown wool shirt, overalls, slouch hat.
Vase of flowers, letters for case, writing materials, book for club roll, hammer, pincers, solder, etc., for plumber all wrapped in piece of carpet; cane, eye-glass, coins.
Note—This play may be made very amusing if the actors enter heartily into the spirit of its absurdities. This is specially true of Bertie Howells and Dollie Giglette, but care must be exercised to avoid anything approaching coarseness.
THE NEW WOMAN.
THE NEW WOMAN.
THE NEW WOMAN.
Scene—Club rooms handsomely furnished. Entrance R. in 1; door to dressing room R. in 3; screen to guard last door; chair of President and small desk, up C; table of Secretary left hand of President near flat; sofa R. of President’s chair, another L. of Secretary’s table; door to committee room L. in 2; screen to guard this door also. Chairs in rows at right angles to desk and President’s position, not too many nor set too formally; as members rise or seat themselves they may move chairs a little so as to give air of informality. Pictures, flowers, etc., to taste. Screens far enough from wall that persons behind them may be seen by audience. (If played in private house any other arrangement suitable to the room may be made by slight changes.) A few young ladies besides those in cast may appear on rising of curtain to give idea of a considerable club. They may chatter and giggle to interrupt proceedings.
Scene—Club rooms handsomely furnished. Entrance R. in 1; door to dressing room R. in 3; screen to guard last door; chair of President and small desk, up C; table of Secretary left hand of President near flat; sofa R. of President’s chair, another L. of Secretary’s table; door to committee room L. in 2; screen to guard this door also. Chairs in rows at right angles to desk and President’s position, not too many nor set too formally; as members rise or seat themselves they may move chairs a little so as to give air of informality. Pictures, flowers, etc., to taste. Screens far enough from wall that persons behind them may be seen by audience. (If played in private house any other arrangement suitable to the room may be made by slight changes.) A few young ladies besides those in cast may appear on rising of curtain to give idea of a considerable club. They may chatter and giggle to interrupt proceedings.
Miss H.(As pres., rapping on desk as curtain rises.) Order, ladies! The club will come to order. (All continue talking except sec’y who takes place.)
Dollie.(To member.) Oh, say, have you read the “Woman who Dared”? She’s the ideal new woman. It’s just too lovely!
Member.What loads of money she had. Just think, two hundred suits! And her pants were a dream.
Daisy.(To member.) I tooksomuch pains with it, and then to have them say such things.
Dollie.(Hearing.) Oh, what did they say?
Pres.(Raps vigorously.) Order please, ladies! It is already past the hour for meeting.
Birdie.(Sentimentally.) Oh, I do take such an interest in this club. If this club fails, the new woman—(Pres. sharply.) “Order.” (Birdiedrops in seat.) Oh!
Pres.(Raps very hard.) The club will come to order! Secretary, read—
Member.(Who has not yet heard the calls to order.) Ashes of roses trimmed with—
Pres.The object of this club is to cultivate self-reliantnewwomen. Let us live up to our opportunities. Secretary, call the roll.
Sec.(Calls, nobody answers.) Miss Hykight, Miss Lightfoot, Miss Robbins, Miss Giglette, Miss Smythe, Miss Tompkins, Miss White, Miss Spooner, Miss Suitor, (hesitates) Miss Doughflyer, Miss—
Miss Doughflyer.(Jumps up hastily.) Miss President, I wish to correct the secretary. (With dignity.) My name isnotDoughflyer though it is spelled that way. We are English, you know, of Norman extraction, and pronounce our name Duffy. It comes from the French Du Fay.
Sec.I beg your pardon, pleased to make the correction.
Pres.(To sec.) By the way, Miss Lightfoot, you appear to be a stranger to Miss Duffy. Allow me to introduce you. Miss Duffy, Miss Lightfoot; Miss Lightfoot, Miss Duffy. (They bow.)
Sec.(Continues.) Miss Hapgood, Miss Littlejohn, Miss Brownmuffin—(hesitates) Willie Jones.
Chorus.Good gracious, is she a boy?
Birdie.(Rises, severely.) There seems to be some mistake about that name. One of the rules of this club is that no man shall ever enter its sacred precincts or even be mentioned except pro forma. I think it is an insult to the club even to mention a man’s name here in that familiar way—Willie Jones—much less to put his name on the roll.
Pres.I agree to that, Miss Robbins. It is in atrociously bad taste if intended for a joke.
Sec.I found the name on a slip of members proposed.
Pres.(With dignity.) Ladies, who proposed Willie Jones? (No answer.Dollie, who has been busily talking to a member suddenly realizes that some business is before the club and asks:)
Dollie.What is the question?
Pres.(Sternly.) The question is, who dared desecrate our roll with the name of a man. Willie Jones, who is he?
Dollie.(Jumps up.) Goodness me, he’s not a he. He’s a girl! (All laugh.) Such a ridiculous mistake! It would so mortify poor Willie if she were here. She’s such a dear, timid little thing; why, she hardly dares breathe.
Daisy.What a funny name for a girl, anyway.
Dollie.Poor thing, she can’t help it. Parents old fashioned you know, and like men well enough to want their names.
Pres.The name is very good since it is borne by a woman. The new woman will not only do as she pleases, but call herself what she pleases. She will not await the pleasure of some man to bestow his precious name on her.Inever saw the man whose nameIwanted.
Birdie.(Rises.) Nor haveI, the presumptuous creatures. When they fit themselves to be the companions of the nobler sex it will be time enough for them to ask our friendship only, and for us to refuse if we choose.
Pres.And we also assume the right to ask instead of waiting patiently like slaves in a market. The new woman will be no slave.
Chorus.Never!
Pres.I believe the next business is to consider the applications for new members to the “New Woman’s Anti-homo Club.” (To sec.) What applications are there to come up to-day? (Members begin an epidemic of whispering.) Order please, ladies! (Brief lull which ends in a general buzz.)
Sec.(Reads.) The first name is Miss Ernestine Arlington.
Pres.Who proposed Miss Arlington?
Sec.Miss Brownmuffin, who is not present.
Pres.Has anyone anything to say before the ballot is taken?
Dollie.I don’t know that I ought to say anything. (General curiosity.)
Daisy.Oh yes, do.
Dollie.But people might blame me for trying to injure the girl.
Pres.Let people talk, the new woman does not care a fig for what people say.
Dollie.Miss Arlington is a very sweet girl, but—
Birdie.(Rises.) Miss President!
Pres.Miss Birdie Robbins.
Birdie.I rise to correct the language of Miss Giglette. I object to the word sweet. It sounds silly. The new woman will, I hope, not be a piece of confectionery, inciting men to cannibalism.
Dollie.(With slight emphasis.) Well, I don’t care! Ernestineissweet but that’s not the worst, she’s engaged to be married. (Chorus of“Oh’s.”)
Daisy.Who is he? Oh, I didn’t mean that? Has he money? Is he a foreigner?
Pres.A foreigner with money! Bah! A foreigner is only better than the native tyrant in this, that he makes no pretension to be suffering from that antiquated, imaginary maladylove. He boldly proclaims that he gives his name and reserves his freedom. He is at least honest. Engaged! Silly, weak creature, that’s enough to know of her.
Birdie.I should say!
Pres.The constitution of this club, as we all know, forbids the marriage of its members. We believe that we have a nobler work to accomplish in the world. And I repeat, for the benefit of new members, that no member of this club may receive any kind of attention from any man nor pay attentions to any man, except by consent and advice of this club.
Birdie.(Rises.) I think we ought to censure Miss Brownmuffin for recommending such a creature who isweak enough to throw herself at a man in that way, for I warrant she led him on.
Pres.Are there any other names to be presented to-day?
Sec.Yes, Mrs. Judge Stone!
Member.(Jumping up.) But noMissusis eligible. We will have no woman who is weak enough to marry a man.
Sec.But Mrs. Judge Stone’s case is quite exceptional. She is a brave woman. Filed a bill of divorce, heard the case herself, and granted a decree with a ripping alimony.
Chorus.Good, good! (Applause.)
Birdie.What was the cause?
Sec.Her husband, the tyrant, objected to her smoking during their reception to the Count Spaghetti, who married Miss Bullion-Brown.
Chorus.Oh! oh! the brute! served him right.
Pres.I think we should admit this brilliant woman, the champion of her sex, without the formality of a ballot.
Birdie.Yes, by all means, and extend her a vote of thanks, besides, for her achievements in the cause of progress.
Chorus.Yes, yes!
Pres.Mrs. Judge Stone is admitted by unanimous consent, and the thanks is also a vote. (To sec.) What is next?
Sec.Some questions were to be presented for future discussion.
Pres.Read them!
Sec.Whereas: The New Woman’s Club and Anti-homo Association points with pride to its record in the matter of political and social reform, it further views with alarm the gradual encroachments of the male sex upon the dress of women. Witness the almost universal adoption of bloomers by men of fashion, which is rapidly being imitated by male maids of all work, and even scullions and dish-washers.
Birdie.Miss President, such a condition of affairs isominous. It threatens the very foundations of society. In my opinion men are secretly encouraged in such practices by that class of women whom we designate as marrying women. Our battle is not yet completely won. A large number of our own sex oppose us, and cling to the old system which made woman a slave. I therefore move that a committee be named to call upon Her Excellency, Governor Angelina Perkins, and Chief Justice Daisy Flyer inviting them to a joint discussion of this important question, in the rooms of this club.
Dollie.I second that motion.
Pres.I see no harm in it and will name as the committee ex-Judge Birdie Robbins, ex-Mayor Dollie Giglette, of whom, by the way, we are all proud as the youngest mayor ever elected in this city, and Miss Brownmuffin. I think the question will be ably debated, since it is well known that Governor Angelina Perkins is inclined to a strict interpretation of the statutes, while Chief Justice Daisy Flyer has liberal tendencies and her rulings give men all the privileges which they may fairly ask so long as society is constituted as at present.
Dollie.For my part I think the question not important. Since women have almost universally adopted pantaloons and derby hats I am willing that the men wear bloomers and put feathers in their hats if they choose. Men are naturally vain and the slaves of fashion.
Birdie.We set a bad example in our dress here!
Pres.Our dress here is only a survival, regalia in fact, like that of the women’s Ancient Order of Matrimony.
Dollie.It is very absurd and should have been abolished long ago.
Sec.I have the following question to propose: (Reads.) Shall men be compelled to remove their hats in theatres?
Daisy.The law says plainly, they shall!
Birdie.The law, indeed! What’s the use to talk about the law when the people have been fools enoughto elect a gang mayor and a man at that. He winks at most outrageous infractions of the law! What are we coming to?
Dollie.The remedy lies in the ballot.
Sec.(Reads.) Shall a woman give her seat in a street car to a tired man?
Pres.That question is absurd. If the man is young and stylishly dressed he gets the seat and if he isn’t he stands, that’s all. Is there any further business?
Sec.None!
Pres.The club stands adjourned till the next regular meeting. (All rise and with a buzz disperse going R. except pres. and sec.)
Rosa.Hykight, I am worried about the finances of the club.
Pink T.Lightfoot, that is Doughflyer’s business!
Rosa.Doughflyer issoreckless!
Pink T.How much do we owe?
Rosa.Nearly five thousand dollars.
Pink T.That is nothing for a wealthy club like ours. Why, in the old times when men carried the pocket-book and managed clubs they were always head over heels in debt.
Rosa.(Surprised.) Why, Miss Pink T. Hykight! Do you adduce the men’s clubs as examples for our guidance?
Pink T.Certainly not. Their clubs are cheap nowadays because we allow them so little pocket money. And they are so weak in the matter of drinks.
Rosa.But we can’t pay bills even in 1950 without money.
Pres.I tire of hearing about money. Money has never been the chief object in any condition of society.
Rosa.We’ll not agree there. Our grandfathers and fathers made a god of money, a swinish, brutal fetich. But we must do something; our wine bill is enormous.
Pink T.That comes of giving a banquet at the Paragon Hotel and inviting a thirsty horde of men.
Rosa.But the bill must be paid, and the cigar man is clamoring for his money.
Pink T.Pay him!
Rosa.Pay him! Why, the bill is over three hundred dollars. We do smoke so much and the members are hanging the club up.
Pink T.That is contrary to rules. Doughflyer is responsible for that. She is too easy. By the way, have you a cigar about you?
Rosa.No, I came down in the car with Judge Flyer and she took the last one I had. I’ll ring for Mary to bring in cigars.
EnterMary, R.
Pink T.Oh, here she is now.
Mary.Miss Hykight, there is a man at the door who wishes to see the president.
Pink T.A man! No man can come in here except in extreme necessity or in a menial capacity. Tell him to go.
Mary.I have told him that. He insists, says he must see the president and will not be put off longer. (Going L.)
Pink T.Will not be put off! Such insolence! Call a policeman. Goodness! I hear him coming in here! He’s bound to speak to me. There’s no escape. I’m subject to impeachment if this gets out.
Rosa.I shan’t take any chances. (Runs out L., P. T.following.)
EnterJack Blake, R.
Blake.(Bowing politely.) Can I see the president of the club?
Pink T.(At L., with dignity.) I am the president. You are intruding, sir.
Blake.(Bowing very low.) I beg your pardon but I must see somebody.
Pink T.(Aside.)Sopolite! Your business, sir?
Blake.I am collector for the Universal Grab-all Gas Co. The bill, you know.
Pink T.I do not know. See Miss Daisy Doughflyer, our financial secretary.
Blake.Duffy! The name given me wasDoughflyer!
Pink T.(Laughs.) How absurd! You got the name wrong. She spells it Doughflyer and pronounces it Duffy. She’s English, you know.
Blake.Beg pardon! I didn’t know that. I’ve looked all over town for that woman.
Pink T.She’s a lawyer. Doughflyer and Muldoon, Cinderella building, corner of Matilda street and Marie Louise avenue.
Blake.Miss Hykight, I thank you for your courtesy. Sorry I intruded. (Bows politely.)
Pink T.Don’t mention it.
EnterMary, L.
Mary.(SeesB., coughs.) Miss President, the ice hasn’t come.
Pink T.I’ll see you later Mary! (Slips coin in her hand. ExitMary, L.)
Blake.By the way, where is the meter? Our man had trouble finding it.
Pink T.Step into the office, through that door. The stewardess will show you. (ExitBlake, bowing very politely, L.)
Pink T.What a charming man! The gas officials are so polite. I hear they train all their men in a regular school of etiquette, taught by a real French professor. But this little interview must be strictly on the Q. T. (Exit, R.)
EnterRosaandBlake, talking earnestly.
Rosa.(Glancing round.) Thank heaven, she is gone and no one is likely to come so soon after the business meeting.
Blake.You have a charming place here. But why is it so very hard to see your officials, Miss Lightfoot?
Rosa.Why, don’t you know? Our rules are very strict. No man without a license is ever allowed to enter here except on certain days of public receptions. If you were seen here with me I should be subject to impeachment and expulsion and you would be hopelessly compromised.
Blake.(Starting.) No!
Rosa.A fact! Can I rely on your discretion?
Blake.(Bowing his best.) You can. I would gladly be the slave of such a charming creature.
Rosa.(Pretending offense.) No nonsense, please! The new woman dislikes the word slave. On your honor, do you promise silence?
Blake.(Bowing.) I do!
Rosa.For your own sake, too!
Blake.I must preserve my reputation. I shall be silent as the grave.
Rosa.(Aside.) Such lovely manners! Now go, please.
EnterMaryL., she starts and coughs.
Rosa.(ToBlake.) Oh, please go at once! (ExitBlake, hastily, R.) Mary, you know our rules! This is an accident. He came to see about the gas. (She gives Mary a coin.) Can I rely on you?
Mary.Forever, Miss Lightfoot.
Rosa.Thank you! (Exit R.)
Mary.Well, if there aint trouble brewin’ here, my name isn’t Mary Smilax. First the president making eyes at him, and bribin’ me, and then the secretary. And he’s just lovely, too. (Hears noise.) Oh, there’s the iceman!
EnterMack, the iceman, L.
Mack.Is there nobody around this blessed shop? I’ve been hammering at the side door for an hour.
Mary.Nonsense, Mack! I haven’t been out of my office for five minutes.
Mack.Don’t care, Smilax. I can’t be detained this way. I’ll just leave your ice on the sidewalk hereafter.
Mary.Do it if you dare, and we’ll just try the Susie Miller Ice Company.
Mack.The Susie Miller Co. be blowed! (Coaxingly.) Now Smilax, you wouldn’t be that hard on a feller an’ lose him a good customer like this club? The company looks to its drivers to hold customers.
Mary.And it’s a poor dependence.
Mack.Mary, don’t be hard on a feller.
Mary.Mr. Mack, your language is shockingly coarse at times.Felleris slang.
Mack.Well, Mary—
Mary.There you go again! Don’t call me Mary. Call me Smilax, or Miss Smilax.
Mack.You used to be just Mary Smith.
Mary.Used to be isn’t now. Smith is too plain and common for me. When I entered the employment of this club I became a new woman, and I just took a new name. I was tired of Smith. When I applied to Justice Daisy Flyer to get a permit to change my name, she said flowers were having a great run for names, and I chose Smilax.
Mack.Mary, you are prettier to me than any flower.
Mary.(Smiles.) That is a very pretty compliment, but you forget that it is only proper foroursex to pay such compliments as that. The new woman—
Mack.Bother the new woman. Since you have become a new woman, Mary, you drive me to distraction.
Mary.Mr. Mack, you are really provoking. So weak and sentimental. Do have a little regard for propriety, and the modesty natural to your sex.
Mack.I never can please you now. The old woman was hard enough to please, but the new one—heaven help us.
Mary.Mr. Mack, can’t I teach you that it is not your place to compliment me, but my place to compliment you? You are rather forward.
Mack.Oh, it has come tothat, has it? (Going, angry, L.)
Mary.(Aside.) He’s so fascinating when he is vexed a little. (Follows.) He’s irresistible. John!
Mack.(Turning.) She called me John. (ToMary, stiffly.)John!I thinkyouare presuming, Miss.
Mary.I beg your pardon. May I not call you John?
Mack.(Drops eyes coquettishly.) You are so persistent.
Mary.Then I may call you John?
Mack.It’s so sudden! Give me time. I think I shall never marry.
Mary.Very well, if that is your decision, I—I—
Mack.(Alarmed.) Oh, I didn’t mean that.
Mary.May I seal that sweet confession with a kiss? (Advances towardMack.)
EnterBertieR. 1,Johndarts out L.
Bertie.(Coughs.) Aw! I saiey there, now!
Mary.(Turns angrily.) Who are you, sir? Do you know where you are?
Bertie.(Adjusting eye-glass and staring.) Yaas! (Regarding her.) Wathah pwetty, don’t you know; but lacks style.
Mary.(Angrily.) Do you know where you are?
Bertie.Yaas.
Mary.Oh, you do! Well let me say that the “New Woman’s Club” is forbidden to men. Special charter, you see. Penalties attached! Why, you could be committed for felony.
Bertie.(Starting.) You don’t saiey!
Mary.Yes, I do say. Now will you go at once, before I call a policeman?
Bertie.I cawn’t, weally, till I’ve found out something I’m dying to know.
Mary.Well, did you ever! Wont go, eh! I shall have to throw you out. (Business of pushing up sleeves.)
Bertie.(Starting.) I declare, she’s going to wesoht to violence. I saiey now! (MarytakesBertieby shoulders and is rushing him toward door. He drops cane, eye-glass, etc. Makes a feeble effort to resist.)
Mary.I’ll show you how to go, you insolent cub!
Bertie.(Manages to turn round.) Oh, I saiey now. Don’t be hasty, you know I—I—(gets coin from pocket and slips it in her hand.) I only wanted to ask a question, then I’ll go.
Mary.(Looks at coin and changes tone instantly.) Why didn’t you say so at first. We may be detected. Who are you?
Bertie.Bertie Howell, there’s my cahd!
Mary.Very well, Mr. Howell. Your business?
Bertie.You were so thweatening, don’t you know.You quite alahmed me. You look so musculah, don’t you know.
Mary.Cut that. Time is precious.
Bertie.You must sweah eternal secwecy.
Mary.If it is so very important as that, I think I’d rather not.
Bertie.Me weputation is in your hands. A word would blawst it. You know I have long admiahed in secwet one of the membeahs of this club.
Mary.Indeed! That’s no news. They are rather a swell set.
Bertie.Awful swaggah, don’t you know. I’ve noticed her in the cahs, don’t you know, and she knows Governoh Angelina Perkins, too, and they talk politics—an’ how I do wish I could undehstand those things, but I cawn’t, you see.
Mary.Yes, I see.
Bertie.Yestehday she gave me her seat in the stweet cah. It put me all in a flutteh, don’t you know. I blushed scawlet and put me veil down at once.
Mary.Poor silly thing! You are very imprudent coming here.
Bertie.Vewy, but I confide in you.
Mary.You may trust me implicitly, but what can I do for you?
Bertie.Mention casuawlly that I am an heir, mamma fwightfully wich, don’t you know, only child, an’ all that. Start a talk, don’t you see.
Mary.But whom am I to talk to! I don’t know your flame.
Bertie.(Sucks cane.) Aw, an obstacle wight away, I neveh could suhmount obstacles. I saiey now, help me out, woman. A cwuel custom compels me to sit and wait to be wooed.
Mary.Describe her!
Bertie.(Brightening.) To be suah, good idea, don’t you know. Well, she is awfully swell.
Mary.Nonsense! Blonde or brunette?
Bertie.Aw, thanks for the suggestion. How deuced clevah you aw. She’s a blonde.
Mary.Clothes?
Bertie.Velvet suit, cutaway coat, silk tile, silveh knee chains that hook into the wing of the shoe toes by a deuce of a clevah little hand, don’t you know.
Mary.Why, that must be the Hon. Dollie Giglette.
Bertie.Dollie, did you say? Oh, how fohgetful I am, I did hear them call her—
EnterDollie, R.
Mary.(With warning gesture.) Hush! There she comes. (Runs out, L.)
Bertie.She comes! Wuined! (Drops his veil instantly.)
Tableau.
Quick Curtain.
Scene—Club house as before. Time: Morning, a few days later than Act I. Pres. Hykight discovered looking at letter case.
Scene—Club house as before. Time: Morning, a few days later than Act I. Pres. Hykight discovered looking at letter case.
Pink T.Why, hereisa letter. That’s strange; my mail comes to my business office. (Opens letter, reads.) Why, from that Mr. Blake of the Gas Company. Dear me! I wrote him that he really must not come here any more and he has the audacity to answer, saying that he is obliged to come. The rules of the company are inexorable, etc. Nonsense! It isn’t the rules of the company that compel him. It is something else. I guess I’m the attraction, in short. (Sighs.) I’m getting tired of all this strife fighting the battles of reform. The new woman is a pretty lonesome creature. But I might have been brought up a marrying woman. And if I had! Poor helpless creatures! (Sighs.) Well, sometimes I think that I’d rather preside in a nice home than in this club. Mr. Blakeishandsome—such eyes and such a mustache! and such manners! How kind of the Gas Company to educate their men in etiquette. Thatis because a woman is president of the company. Why, I’ve read that in the old time the insolence of gas employés almost equaled that of employés in the city hall nowadays. But he is poor and I can not stoop! The motto of the Hykights is “Upward,” and I, Pink T. Hykight, a descendant of President Hykight, shall not be the first to step out of the family rank. The Blakes are of very good family, but Mr. Blake has only his salary.
EnterMary, L.
Mary.Oh, are you here, Miss Hykight?
Pink T.Yes, I am early, called for my mail.
Mary.How absurd it was for that carrier to get stuck in the chute.
Pink T.Yes, it might have been serious. Smilax, I want the silver counted to-day.
Mary.I’ll attend to it, Miss Hykight. (Exit,Mary, L.)
Pink T.(Looking at letter.) No, I think Chief of Police, Brennan de Cork is more to my notion. The de Cork’s have been illustrious for centuries. They were kings of Ireland, and they say he has made his pile in politics, too. I’ll propose to de Cork yet. I believe he expects it, too. I’m sick of public life. Poor Blake! I’ll just write him to call about the meter again and find some way to let him know that his hopes are vain. Poor thing! He is so infatuated with me. It’s dangerous but I’ll risk it. (Rings.) I’ll write de Cork asking him to theatre this very night. (Writes hastily.) No stamp! I’ll mail it outside. (Attempts to put note in pocket; drops it on floor. Rings.) Where are all the servants?
EnterMary, L.
Pink T.Smilax, where is Belinda and Alfaretta Pansy?
Mary.I sent Belinda for cigars. Alfaretta is sick to-day.
Pink T.What hour do you open the club house?
Mary.At eight o’clock, Miss Hykight, according to regulation.
Pink T.Is your help all here at that hour?
Mary.Promptly, Miss.
Pink T.When do members appear?
Mary.Seldom before noon, and most of them after four. You see the trouble of dressing in this old regalia keeps them away. We ought to abolish such an ancient rule and admit the modern dress.
Pink T.That is a club matter.
Mary.(Vexed.) Oh, it’s not for me to say. I just suggested. Miss President, the Swiss cheese for the bar is hardly up to the last lot, I think. Will you come and taste it? (Exeunt L.)
EnterRosa Lightfoot, R. 1.
Rosa.(Has not seen them, goes to letter case.) A letter for me! A strange hand! (Reads.) Why, it’s from that Mr. Blake. Thanks me for my kindness! Dear fellow. Hopes I may not think him bold. (Laughs.) Such audacity! He is bold, but I like him for it. And wants to meet me here. Oh goodness! That will never do. (Looks at note.) Tuesday at nine. Hopes I’ll be alone. Why, he may come any minute. How indiscreet of him. He must love me desperately. (Rings.) Whatever shall I do.
EnterMary, L.
Rosa.Mary, I expect a person here on business—important business. Is the committee room unoccupied at this hour?
Mary.Yes, Miss, that is, unless Birdie Robbins should come in. She goes round at all hours.
Rosa.(Soliloquy.) Why didn’t she go into literature? She has no tact for politics.
Mary.No, Miss Lightfoot, she hasn’t a spoonful of tact.
Rosa.Ah, Mary, you needn’t notice everything. If she or anyone else drops in just say the committee room is in use, will you?
Mary.Yes, Miss. (Exit L.)
Rosa.How my heart flutters. I’ve read that in the old times women’s hearts were always fluttering. Thatis a weakness that comes from centuries of degenerate training, but the new womanwillmaster it yet. The men manage better. Their great solid chests are as impassive as statues. We can be nonchalant, too. I’ll coolly light a cigar. (Feels pocket.) Goodness, I gave the last one to Inspector Lillie Evergreen. (Sound of footsteps, R.) Goodness, there he comes now. (Listens.) He’s saying good day to some one at the door. Oh, horrors! that’s Birdie Robbins’s voice. What shall I do? (Darts behind screen L.)
EnterBirdie Robbins, R.
Birdie.(Cross.) I’ll just look around and see that everything is in decent order, and I dare say it isn’t at all. The other directors leave all that to me. Governor Perkins and Judge Flyer haven’t attended a directors’ meeting for three months. They ought to be ashamed of themselves. (Looks in letter box, takes letter out, reads.) Another appeal from the Pacific Coast Home Mission Society. Urgent appeal for help. The Chinese are sending missionaries to America by the score. Confucian daily paper published in San Francisco. Dear me, things are going to the bad headlong, and this club doesn’t even protest. I wonder if those people have repaired the faucets in the dressing room! (Exit R. U. E.)
Rosa.(Comes from behind screen.) This is a pretty mess. I do hope he won’t come. If I try to stop him at the door, it may lead to complications. (Birdieheard re-entering.Rosabehind screen as before.)
Birdie.Soap nearly all gone already. The servants are robbing us, feeding their relatives at our expense, and smoking our cigars by the score. We read that all these things happened in the old times. Alfaretta sick to-day! She’ll have to be sent to the tobacco cure and the club will be obliged by law to pay the bills. Such demoralization on every hand. When the men managed things they stole everything in sight. I’ve just been reading a curious old book of the last century called “An Iron Crown.” There were big thieves then, accordingto that author, who stole millions. Now women will stoop to purloin a few cigars. (Petulantly.) I’m ashamed of them. (Sees note on floor.) What is this? (Picks it up.) Why this is directed to “Hon. Chief of Police, Brennan de Cork.” It is unsealed too. Official business, doubtless, I’ll see. (Opens and reads.) Mercy! Can this be true? Impossible! I’ll put it back. No, it is a matter too important to be concealed. (Reads.) “Hon. Brennan de Cork: Miss Pink T. Hykight presents her compliments to Mr. de Cork and desires the pleasure of his company to the Elsie theatre to hear Paddiwinski next Saturday evening. Find the usual gratuity for flowers enclosed.” Such iniquity! I always suspected the sincerity of that woman. Her crime shall be punished. As vice-president, I shall call a directors’ meeting at once. (Exit R. 1.)
Rosa.(Coming down.) Here’s a pretty go! There’ll be a scandal sure, for if there is a sincere member in the club, it is Miss Robbins. Who would have thought that Miss Hykight was so sly? Well, de Cork is a great catch. Dear me, if I am discovered. Mr. Blake is so indiscreet. I shall talk to him seriously. (Steps heard.) Goodness, some one coming. (Darts back behind screen.)
EnterBlake, R. 1.
Blake.I do hope she’ll meet me. Not here! How cruel! She thinks me too forward, but I can not conceal my love. (Rosabehind screen leans forward eagerly to listen.)
EnterPink T., quietly, R. 1.
Blake.Yes, I’ve been too forward. She despises me. (P. T.advances on tip toe, alsoRosacomes further down, pleased.) Oh, for one word, one glance of those beautiful eyes.
Pink T.(Aside.) Poor thing!
Rosa.(Aside.) How delightful.
Blake.I have hoped in vain. (Turns R.)
Pink T.No, not so. Hope is—
Rosa.(Coming out, screams.) Undone! Miss Hykight! (All stare in surprise for a few moments.)
Pink T.Miss Lightfoot, explain your conduct, if you please.
Rosa.Not to you, Miss Hykight.
Pink T.Then to the club.
Rosa.The club can have my resignation if that is what you mean.
Pink T.Your conduct has been scandalous. You have lured this confiding young man here utterly regardless of his reputation or the club’s.
Rosa.Plague take the club! I love this man. Mr. Blake, be mine.
Pink T.(Loftily.) Oh, indeed! If it comes to that I think I am one too many. (Sails out R. 1.)
Blake.(Modestly.) I have been very indiscreet. Forgive me, dear.
Rosa.Darling, say no more, but you really must go at once. (Noise outside.) Too late. Get behind the screen there. (He runs behind screen R.,RosaL.)
EnterDollieR.
Dollie.(With easy swagger.) Here’s a go! That silly little Bertie Howells thinks because I called on him three or four times and took him to a concert once that I’m going to marry him. Humph! he’s decidedly fresh. But this is the poor boy’s first season in society, and then (with jaunty air) I suppose I am to blame. So far forgot himself as to write me a note. Well, I must say, being an only child, his mamma’s millions are very tempting. But then his papa is insupportable, no pop-in-law for me just yet. (Looks at letter box, fingering letters.) “Grantly,” “Gorman,” “Ginseng,” “Gunther;” no Giglette. Well, the ninny hasn’t sent any more notes, thank fortune. I’m pestered to death with billet doux and designing papas. (Going L. seesRosabehind screen.) Why, Lightfoot, old chap, what on earth are you standing in there for?
Rosa.(Stammers.) Why, you see Giglette—you know I was just listening if that induction was still in the heating coil. We could hear the engine throb plainly.
Dollie.The plumber fixed that last week. Come and have something.
Rosa.Excuse me please, you know I never drink.
Dollie.Teetotaler! I forgot; well take a cigar.
Rosa.(Coughs significantly.) Don’t care if I do.
Dollie.Lightfoot, you have a bad cough. (Exeunt L.)
Blake.(Comes out.) Now’s my chance to skip. (Runs againstBertieEnteringR., disguised as plumber.)
Bertie.I saiey there, now! (Tools fall with racket.)
Blake.Where are you going, you lubber?
Bertie.Confwound you, it’s your fault.
Blake.No lip, young fellow. You’re too fresh!
Bertie.Lip! Fellah! You aw vewy fwesh! You aw insulting, don’t you know.
Blake.Hello! Who are you, anyway? Lookin’ for a scrap are you? You look like a plumber and talk like an avenue dude.
Bertie.I cawn’t talk to you, you know. Because you’re no gentleman, see?
Blake.Why, you little shrimp, who the deuce are you to talk about gentlemen? You’re not a plumber, nor a gentleman, either. You’re up to some game. I’ll just unmask you. (Pulls offBertie’sslouch hat,Bertiescreams,Blakepulls off his false whiskers.Bertiehits him butBlakedoesn’t mind it.)
Bertie.(Gasping.) You—you fellah—
Blake.Don’t try that game or I’ll pulverize you.
Bertie.(Squaring.) Don’t you twy that. I—weally, I may hurt somebody.
Blake.Young man, what are you doing in this club, sneaking in here in disguise? (Sternly.) Give an account of yourself.
Bertie.(Shrinking back.) Weally, don’t be wash, you know. I came heah to meet the pearl of her sex.
EnterDollie, L., overhears, stops.
Dollie.(Hand to mouth.) Me!
Blake.No you didn’t, young fellow. That’s what I came for, and I’ll break every bone in your body if you meddle in my affairs. (Dollie smiles pleased and gives expressive look.) Hear?
Dollie.(As before.) Fun to come!
Bertie.(Contemptuously.) Why, she wouldn’t look at you. The peehless flowah of her sex—
Dollie.That’s me. (Laughs merrily. They start surprised.) Really, this is too good! (Laughs.) Really, gentlemen! Fie on you! These persistent attentions are embarrassing. (Comes toward C.)
Blake.(Bowing politely.) Madam, I assure you—
Bertie.(Pushing him aside.) Go, fellah! This is my affaih! Miss Giglette, I feah I look vewy ludicuous in this dwess and I cawn’t get on without me eye-glaws, don’t you know. (Feeling in pocket for glass. ToBlake.) You’ve bwoke me chain, I saiey.
Dollie.(Laughs heartily.) Now go, please, both of you. I could have you both arrested. Don’t cause a scene.
EnterBirdie Robbins, L.
Birdie.(Sternly.) Men! In the Anti-homo Club. Is it possible? (Severely.) Miss Giglette, what does this mean?
Dollie.(Laughs.) Really, I don’t know. Nothing, I guess.
Birdie.Miss Giglette, have you invited these creatures?
Blake.(Aside.) Creatures! Old Major Prim!
Dollie.I have not invited them.
Birdie.Then why are they here? This looks suspicious.
Dolly.(Haughtily.) Miss Robbins, you forget that I am not on the witness stand.
Birdie.There’s pretty goings on here in violation of our constitution and by-laws. This club is on the brink of dissolution.
Dollie.Pshaw! It’s always on the brink of something.
Birdie.And they will not go, eh? I’ll ring up the police. (Starts toward police call in office, L.)
Dollie.(Seizing her arm.) No, not that!
Bertie.Police! Oh me weputation! Wheh’s me eye-glaws?
Dollie.(Waving hand toward door!) Now clear out, both of you, quick, or you’ll get the G. B.
Bertie.Dweadful. (ToBlake.) Aw, you mad weckless fellah, waising this wow! We’ll be wuined. (PullingBlakehastily out R.,Birdieglaring at them.DollieC., laughing.)
Dollie.Well, that’s too rich. (Birdieglares at her.)
Quick Curtain.