Dinnergiving is perhaps the most important of all social observances, therefore dinner-parties rank first amongst all entertainments.
Dinner giving is so thoroughly understood to rest upon the principle of an equivalent, that those who do not give dinners hardly come within the category of diners out. This rule, however, is open to many exceptions in favour of privileged individuals, popular and prominent members of society whose presence at dinner-parties is appreciated and welcomed in most circles.
Dinner-parties are of more frequent occurrence, and are of more social significance, than any other form of entertainment.
Dinner Invitations.—An invitation to dinner conveys a greater mark of esteem, or friendship and cordiality, towards the guest invited, than is conveyed by an invitation to any other social gathering, it being the highest compliment, socially speaking, that is offered by one person to another. It is also a civility that can be readily interchanged, which in itself gives it an advantage over all other civilities.
The orthodox dinner giver must necessarily possess a certain amount of wealth, and wealth and wit do not always go hand in hand. Oftener than not, the former rather overweights the latter; hence, the introduction of a lighter element in the form of amusing people whosemétierin life it is to be amusing and to appear amused.
Dinner giving is in itself not only a test of the position occupied in society by the dinner giver, but it is also a direct road to obtaining a recognised place in society. A means of enlarging a limited acquaintance and a reputation for giving good dinners is in itself a passport to fashionable society. Dinner giving, in the fullest sense of the word, is a science not easily acquired, so much depending on the talent which the host or hostess may possess for organising dinner-parties.
When a large dinner-party is contemplated, it is usual to give three weeks' notice, but of late this notice has been extended to four, five, and even six weeks.
Diners out are rather inclined to rebel against this innovation, considering that an invitation bearing the date of a month hence pledges them to remain in town, and as it were controls their movements, for the acceptance of an invitation is in the eyes of diners out a binding obligation; only ill-health, family bereavement, or some all-important reason justifies its being set on one side or otherwise evaded.
Those inconsiderate enough to make trivial excuses at the last moment are not often retained on the dinner-list of a host or hostess.
Dinner invitations are issued in the joint names of host and hostess.
The master of the house occupies a prominent position amongst his guests, when dispensing hospitality as a "dinner giver."
From five to ten days' notice is considered sufficient for invitations to small and unceremonious dinner-parties.
Printed cards are in general use in town for issuing dinner invitations, and can be purchased from any stationer; these cards only require to be filled in with the names of host and hostess and guests, date, hour, and address. The united names of the host and hostess should be written in the space left for that purpose. Thus, "Mr. and Mrs. A.,"and the name or names of the guests in the next vacant space.
When invitations are issued for small dinner-parties, it is more usual to write notes than to make use of printed cards.
Acceptances or refusals of dinner invitations should be sent with as little delay as possible after the invitations have been received. It is a want of courtesy on the part of a person invited not to do so, as a hostess is otherwise left in doubt as to whether the person invited intends dining with her or not, and is consequently unable to fill up the vacant place with an eligible substitute; thus rendering her dinner-party an ill-assorted one.
An answer to an invitation cannot be solicited in a subsequent note; it is therefore incumbent upon the invited person to dispatch an answer within a day or two at least. Dinner invitations are either sent by post or by a servant, and the answers are also conveyed in a like manner.
Dinner invitations are invariably sent out by the hostess.
It is not usual in town to invite more than three members of one family; it is now the custom to ask young ladies with their parents to dinner-parties.
Receiving Dinner-Guests.—The guests should arrive within fifteen minutes of the hour named on the invitation card.
On no occasion is punctuality more imperative than in the case of dining out; formerly many allowed themselves great latitude in this respect, and a long wait for the tardy guests was the result. A host and hostess frequently waited over half an hour for expected guests. But now punctuality has become the rule in the highest circles, and dinner is served within twenty minutes of the arrival of the first guest. In general, people much given to dining out make a point of arriving in good time; but there are many in society who presume upon their position, and are proverbially unpunctual, knowing that in the height of the seasona hostess would wait half an hour rather than sit down to dinner without them; but this want of consideration soon becomes known in their different sets, and is always taken into account when "their company is requested at dinner."
In France, it is not the rule, or the custom, to wait dinner for late arrivals, and the dinner is served punctually to the hour named in the invitation.
The dinner-hour varies from eight to nine, although perhaps 8.30 is the most usual hour. In the country it ranges from 7.30 to 8.30.
Punctuality on the part of the guests enables the hostess to make any introductions she may consider advisable before dinner is served.
The host and hostess should be in readiness to receive their guests in the drawing-room at the hour specified on the card.
On arrival, a lady should take off her cloak in the cloak-room, or should leave it in the hall with the servant in attendance, before entering the drawing-room.
A gentleman should leave his overcoat and hat in the gentlemen's cloak-room, or in the hall.
At large dinner-parties, the butler is stationed on the staircase, and announces the guests as they arrive. At small dinner-parties, or where only one man-servant is kept, the servant precedes the guest or guests on their arrival, to the drawing-room. The guests should then give their names to the servant, that he may announce them.
A lady and gentleman, on being announced, should not enter the drawing-room arm-in-arm or side by side. The lady or ladies, if more than one, should enter the room in advance of the gentleman, although the servant announces "Mr., Mrs., and Miss A."
The host and hostess should come forward and shake hands with each guest on arrival. The ladies should at once seat themselves, but gentlemen either stand about theroom and talk to each other, or sit down after a wait of some minutes.
When a lady is acquainted with many of the guests present, she should not make her way at once to shake hands with all, but should make an opportunity to do so in an unobtrusive manner; it would be sufficient to recognise them by a nod or a smile in the mean time. A lady should bow to any gentleman she knows, and he should cross the room to shake hands with her at once if disengaged.
At a small dinner-party, where the guests are unacquainted, the hostess should introduce the persons of highest rank to each other; but at a large dinner-party, she would not do so, unless she had some especial reason for making the introduction.
In the country, introductions at dinner-parties are far oftener made than in town.
Precedency is strictly observed at all dinner-parties. (SeeChapter V.)
Sending Guests in to Dinner.—The host should take the lady of highest rank present in to dinner, and the gentleman of highest rank should take the hostess. This rule is absolute, unless the lady or gentleman of highest rank is related to the host or hostess, in which case his or her rank would be in abeyance, out of courtesy to the other guests.
A husband and wife, or a father and daughter, or a mother and son, should not be sent in to dinner together.
A host and hostess should, if possible, invite an equal number of ladies and gentlemen. It is usual to invite two or more gentlemen than there are ladies, in order that the married ladies should not be obliged to go in to dinner with each other's husbands only. Thus, Mrs. A. and Mr. B., Mr. B. and Mrs. A., Mrs. B. should be taken in to dinner by Mr. C., and Mr. A. should take Mrs. G., and so on.
When ladies are in a majority at a dinner-party to the extent of two or three, the ladies of highest rank shouldbe taken in to dinner by the gentlemen present, and the remaining ladies should follow by themselves; but such an arrangement is unusual and undesirable, though sometimes unavoidable when the dinner-party is an impromptu one, for instance, and the notice given has been but a short one.
If there should be one gentleman short of the number required, the hostess frequently goes in to dinner by herself, following in the wake of the last couple.
The usual mode of sending guests in to dinner is for the host or hostess to inform each gentleman, shortly after his arrival, which of the ladies he is to take in to dinner.
No "choice" is given to any gentleman as to which of the ladies he would prefer taking in to dinner, it being simply a question of precedency.
Should any difficulty arise as to the order in which the guests should follow the host to the dining-room, the hostess, knowing the precedency due to each of her guests, should indicate to each gentleman when it is his turn to descend to the dining-room. He should then offer his arm to the lady whom the host had previously desired him to take in to dinner.
Dinner is announced by the butler or man-servant.
When the guests have arrived, or when the host desires dinner to be served, he should ring or inform the servant accordingly.
On dinner being announced, the host should give his right arm to the lady of highest rank present, and, with her, lead the way to the dining-room, followed by the lady second in rank, with a gentleman second in rank and so on. The gentleman of highest rank present should follow last with the hostess.
When the second couple are about to leave the drawing-room, the hostess frequently requests each gentleman in turn to follow with a lady according to the precedency due to each. Thus, "Mr. A., will you take Mrs. B.?" This also answers the purpose of an introduction, should thecouple be unacquainted with each other, and the hostess has not found an opportunity of introducing them to each other on their arrival.
When a case of precedency occurs, in which either the lady or gentleman must waive their right of precedence, that of the gentleman gives way to that of the lady. (SeeChapter V.)
A gentleman should offer his right arm to a lady on leaving the drawing-room.
Ladies and gentlemen should not proceed to the dining-room in silence, but should at once enter into conversation with each other. (See the work entitled "The Art of Conversing.")
On entering the dining-room the lady whom the host has taken in to dinner should seat herself at his right hand. On the Continent this custom is reversed, and it is etiquette for the lady to sit at the left hand of the gentleman by whom she is taken in to dinner.
The host should remain standing in his place, at the bottom of the table, until the guests have taken their seats, and should motion the various couples as they enter the dining-room to the places he wishes them to occupy at the table. This is the most usual method of placing the guests at the dinner-table. When the host does not indicate where they are to sit, they sit near to the host or hostess according to precedency.
The host and hostess should arrange beforehand the places they wish their guests to occupy at the dinner-table.
If a host did not indicate to the guests the various places he wished them to occupy, the result would probably be that husbands and wives would be seated side by side, or uncongenial people would sit together.
The custom of putting a card with the name of the guest on the table in the place allotted to each individual guest is frequently followed at large dinner-parties, and in someinstances the name of each guest is printed on a menu and placed in front of each cover.
The host and the lady taken in to dinner by him should sit at the bottom of the table. He should sit in the centre at the bottom of the table and place the lady whom he has taken down at his right hand. The same rule applies to the hostess. She should sit in the centre at the top of the table, the gentleman by whom she has been taken in to dinner being placed at her left hand.
The lady second in rank should sit at the host's left hand.
Each lady should sit at the right hand of the gentleman by whom she is taken in to dinner.
It is solely a matter of inclination whether a lady and gentleman, who have gone in to dinner together, converse with each other only, or with their right-and left-hand neighbours also, but they usually find some topic of conversation in common, otherwise a dinner-party would prove but a succession oftête-à-tête.
The Menusare placed the length of the table, on an average one to two persons or occasionally one to each person, and the menu cards are elaborate or simple, according to individual taste, and are purchased printed for the purpose, having a space for the names of the dishes to be filled in, which is usually done by the mistress of the house, unless the establishment is on a large scale, it being usual to write them out in French.
Fanciful menu holders are much in use.
The use of menus would be pretentious at a small dinner-party when there is but little choice of dishes; but when there is a choice of dishes a menu is indispensable.
The Usual and Fashionable Mode of serving Dinneris calledDîner à la Russe, although at small or friendly dinners the host sometimes prefers to carve thejoint himself in the first course, and the birds in the second course. But dinner-tables, whether for diningà la Russe, or for diningen famille, are invariably arranged in the same style, the difference being merely the extent of the display made as regards flowers, plate and glass, which are the accessories of the dining-table.
When the host helps the soup, a small ladleful for each person is the proper quantity; a soup-plate should not be filled with soup.
When the party is a small one, and the joints or birds are carved by the host, the portions should be handed to the guests in the order in which they are seated, although occasionally the ladies are helped before the gentlemen.
The rule at all dinner-parties is for the servant to commence serving by handing the dishes to the lady seated at the host's right hand, then to the lady seated at the host's left hand, and from thence the length of the table to each guest in the order seated, irrespective of sex.
Doubleentréesshould be provided at large dinner-parties, and the servants should commence handing the dishes at both sides of the table simultaneously.
Dîner à la Russeis the Russian fashion introduced into society many years ago. The whole of the dinner is served from a side-table, no dishes whatever being placed on the table save dishes of fruit.
Dinner-table Decorations.—As regards the most correct style of dinner-table decorations, they offer great diversity of arrangement.
High centre pieces and low centre pieces. Low specimen glasses placed the length of the table and trails of creepers and flowers laid on the table-cloth itself are some of the prevailing features of the day, but table decorations are essentially a matter of taste rather than of etiquette, and the extent of these decorations depends very much upon the size of the plate chest and the length of the purse of the dinner giver.
The fruit for dessert is usually arranged down the centre of the table, amidst the flowers and plate. Some dinner-tables are also adorned with a variety of French conceits besides fruit and flowers; other dinner-tables are decorated with flowers and plate only, the dessert not being placed on the table at all; but this latter mode can only be adopted by those who can make a lavish display of flowers and plate in the place of fruit.
As regards lighting the dinner table. Electric light is now in general use in town, and more or less in the country when possible. When not available, lamps and wax candles are used as heretofore. The shades in use should be carefully chosen as they add greatly to the comfort of the guests and to the success of the lighting. Silver candlesticks are often fitted with small electric lamps, and handsome silver lamps are brought into use in a similar manner for the dinner table.
The term "cover" signifies the place laid at table for each person. It consists of a table-spoon for soup, fish knife and fork, two knives, two large forks, and glasses for wines given. For such arrangements see chapter "Waiting at dinner" in the work entitled "Waiting at Table."
Sherry is always drunk after soup, hock with the fish after the soup. Champagne is drunk immediately after the firstentréehas been served, and during the remainder of dinner until dessert. Claret, sherry, port, and Madeira are the wines drunk at dessert, and not champagne, as it is essentially a dinner wine. When liqueurs are given they are handed after the ices.
Dinner-table Etiquette.—Soup should be eaten with a table-spoon and not with a dessert-spoon, it would be out of place to use a dessert-spoon for that purpose. Dessert-spoons, as their name implies, are intended for other purposes, such as for eating fruit-tarts, custard-puddings, etc.,or any sweet that is not sufficiently substantial to be eaten with a fork.
Fish should be eaten with a silver fork when possible, otherwise with a silver fish knife and fork.
All made dishes, such asquenelles,rissoles, patties, etc., should be eaten with a fork only, and not with a knife and fork.
For sweetbreads and cutlets, etc., a knife and fork are requisite; and, as a matter of course, for poultry, game, etc.
In eating asparagus, a knife and fork should be used, and the points should be cut off and eaten with a fork as is sea-kale, etc.
Salad should be eaten with a knife and fork; it is served on salad plates, which are placed beside the dinner-plates.
Cucumber is eaten off the dinner-plate, and not off a separate plate.
Peas should be eaten with a fork.
In eating game or poultry, the bone of either wing or leg should not be touched with the fingers, but the meat cut close off the bone; and if a wing it is best to sever it at the joint, by which means the meat is cut off far more easily.
Pastry should be eaten with a fork, but in the case of a fruit tart, a dessert-spoon should be used as well as a fork, but only for the purpose of conveying the fruit and juice to the mouth; and in the case of stone fruit—cherries, damsons, plums, etc.—either the dessert-spoon or fork should be raised to the lips to receive the stones, which should be placed at the side of the plate; but when the fruit stones are of larger size, they should be separated from the fruit with the fork and spoon, and left on the plate, and not put into the mouth; and whenever it is possible to separate the stones from the fruit it is best to do so.
Jellies, blancmanges, ice puddings, etc., should be eaten with a fork, as should be all sweets sufficiently substantial to admit of it.
When eating cheese, small morsels of the cheese should be placed with the knife on small morsels of bread, and the two conveyed to the mouth with the thumb and finger, the piece of bread being the morsel to hold, as cheese should not be taken up in the fingers, and should not be eaten off the point of the knife.[3]
The finger-glass should be removed from the ice-plate and placed on the left-hand side of the dessert-plate. When ices are not given, the d'oyley should be removed with the finger-glass and placed beneath it.
When eating grapes, the half-closed hand should be placed to the mouth, and the stones and skins allowed to fall into the fingers, and placed on the side of the plate. Some persons bend the head so as to allow of the stones and skins of the grapes falling on the side of the plate; but this latter way is old-fashioned, and seldom followed. Cherries and other small stone-fruit should be eaten in the way grapes are eaten, also gooseberries.
When strawberries and raspberries, etc., are not eaten with cream, they should be eaten from the stalks; when eaten with cream, a dessert-spoon should be used to remove them from the stalks. When served in the American fashion without stalks, both fork and spoon should be used.
Pears and apples should be peeled and cut into halves and quarters with a fruit-knife and fork, as should peaches, nectarines, and apricots.
Melons should be eaten with a spoon and fork.
Pines with knife and fork.
The dessert is handed to the guests in the order in which the dinner has been served.[4]
When the guests have been helped to wine, and the servants have left the dining-room, the host should passthe decanters to his guests, commencing with the gentleman nearest to him.
It is not the fashion for gentlemen to drink wine with each other either at dinner or dessert, and the guest fills his glass or not, according to inclination.
Ladies are not supposed to require a second glass of wine at dessert, and passing the decanters is principally for the gentlemen. If a lady should require a second glass of wine at dessert, the gentleman seated next to her would fill her glass; she should not help herself to wine. After the wine has been passed once around the table, or about ten minutes after the servants have left the dining-room, the hostess should give the signal for the ladies to leave the dining-room, by bowing to the lady of highest rank present, seated at the host's right hand. She should then rise from her seat, as should all the ladies on seeing her do so.
The gentlemen should rise also, and remain standing by their chairs until the ladies have quitted the room, which they should do in the order in which they have entered it, the lady of highest rank leading the way, the hostess following last.
The host, or the gentleman nearest the door, should open it for the ladies to pass out, and close it after them.
When the ladies have left the dining-room, the gentlemen should close up as near to the host as possible, so as to render conversation general.
The wines usually drunk by gentlemen after dinner are claret of a fine quality, and port.
The ladies on leaving the dining-room return to the drawing-room. Coffee should be almost immediately brought to the drawing-room. The coffee-cups containing coffee should be brought on a silver salver, with a cream-jug and a basin of crystallised sugar.
In large country houses coffee is sometimes brought in a silver coffee-pot, and the lady would then pour out her own coffee, the servant holding the salver the meanwhile.
Coffee should be taken a few minutes later to the dining-room, and either handed to the gentlemen, or placed on the table, that they may help themselves (see the work previously referred to).
A very general plan is, after the wine has gone round once or twice, for the host to offer cigarettes, which are smoked before the gentlemen join the ladies in the drawing-room.
After coffee, the gentleman of highest rank should leave the dining-room first. The host would not propose an adjournment to the drawing-room, until he observed a wish to do so on the part of his guests, but there is no hard and fast rule on this head.
It is not now the fashion for gentlemen to sit over their wine beyond fifteen or twenty minutes at the utmost, instead of as formerly, from three-quarters of an hour to an hour, a change much appreciated by hostesses.
On the Continent the gentlemen accompany the ladies to the drawing-room, and do not remain in the dining-room as in England.
The gentleman of highest rank present could suggest an adjournment to the drawing-room within a quarter of an hour if he thought proper to do so. If the other guests were engaged in a discussion in which he did not wish to take part, having suggested the adjournment, he could leave the dining-room to join the ladies in the drawing-room; but as a rule, the gentlemen leave the dining-room together, the host following last.
The host should ring the dining-room bell before leaving the room, as an intimation to the butler that the gentlemen have left the room.
At ceremonious dinner-parties in town neither music nor cards are introduced during the usual half-hour passed in the drawing-room before the hour for departure.
At country-house dinner-parties music or round games of cards are in request.
Departure after Dinner.—There is no rule as to the order in which the guests should take their leave. Half-past ten is the usual hour for general departure; and the butler announces the several carriages as they arrive to the guests in the drawing-room. But if any lady wished to inquire if her carriage had arrived, she should ask the hostess's permission to do so; and the bell would be rung for the purpose of making the enquiry. The same remark applies to ordering a cab: the lady should ask the hostess if one might be ordered for her.
The hostess should shake hands with all her guests on their departure, rising from her seat to do so.
Each guest on departure should shake hands with both host and hostess.
If, on leaving the room, acquaintances should pass each other, they should wish each other good-night, but they should not make the tour of the rooms for the purpose of so doing.
The host should conduct one or two of the principal of his lady guests to their carriages.
The ladies should put on their cloaks in the cloak-room, the host waiting in the hall meanwhile.
A gentleman related to the host or hostess, or a friend of the family, could offer to conduct a lady to her carriage if the host were otherwise engaged.
Gratuitiesshould never be offered by the guests at a dinner-party to the servants in attendance. Gentlemen should not offer fees to the men-servants, neither should ladies to the lady's-maid in attendance.
The guests should call on the hostess within a week or ten days after a dinner-party. If "not at home," a married lady should leave one of her own cards and two of her husband's; a widow should leave one of her own cards; a bachelor or a widower should leave two cards.
The rule as to calling after dinner-parties is greatlyrelaxed between intimate friends, and the call often omitted altogether; and this more particularly as regards gentlemen, whose occupations during the day are considered good and sufficient reasons for not calling.
Country Dinner-Parties.—In the country, new acquaintances, if neighbours, should be asked to dinner within a month of the first call if possible, and the return invitation should be given within the following month.
When guests are assembled at a country house, they are sent in to dinner, on the first evening, according to their individual precedence; but on subsequent evenings the gentlemen frequently draw lots to decide which lady they shall have the pleasure of taking in to dinner, otherwise a lady and gentleman would go in to dinner together five or six consecutive times, according to the length of the visit, but this is more a practice with people who march with the times, than with what are termed "old-fashioned people."
When a party is varied by additional dinner-guests each evening, drawing lots gives way to precedency, it being too familiar a practice to be adopted at a large dinner-party.
Saying Grace, both before and after dinner, is a matter of feeling rather than of etiquette. It used to be very much the custom to say "grace," but of late years it is oftener omitted than not, especially at large dinner-parties in town.
In the country, when a clergyman is present, he should be asked to say grace. When grace is said by the host, it is said in a low voice, and in a very few words; the guests inclining their heads the while.
It was no rapid revolutionary change in manners that brought about the difference that now exists between the Elizabethan and present eras; no polished mentor came forward to teach that it was not the nicest and cleanest thing to do, to put knives into the salt, to dip fingers intoplates, or to spread butter with the thumb; on the contrary, these things righted themselves little by little, step by step, until the present code of manners was arrived at. But it is quite possible that a hundred years hence it will be discovered that the manners of the present century offered wide scope for improvement.
In the meantime these rules of etiquette observed in society are adhered to and followed by those who do not wish to appear singular, eccentric, old-fashioned, unconventional, or any other adjective that the temper of their judges may induce them to apply to them for committing solecisms, either small or great.
Married Ladies, as a rule, dine out with their Husbands, and do not accept invitations to large dinners when their husbands are unable to accompany them. There are, of course, exceptions to this rule, and circumstances sometimes arise when it is greatly relaxed; but even in this case it would be in favour of small and friendly dinners rather than large ones.
During any temporary absence of her husband, a lady would accept invitations to dine with her relatives and intimate friends, though she might refuse invitations to large dinners given by acquaintances; but, as a rule, when it is well known that the head of a house is away for any length of time, invitations are seldom sent to the wife by givers of large dinners.
When young ladies are invited to dinner they accompany their father, mother or brother; but occasionally, when a young ladies' party is given by a friend of their parents', the young ladies are invited alone, and they should either go with their maid in a cab or by themselves in their father's carriage.
FOOTNOTES:[3]Respecting the arrangement of the dinner table for dessert, see the work entitled "Waiting at Table."[4]See the work entitled "Waiting at Table."
[3]Respecting the arrangement of the dinner table for dessert, see the work entitled "Waiting at Table."
[3]Respecting the arrangement of the dinner table for dessert, see the work entitled "Waiting at Table."
[4]See the work entitled "Waiting at Table."
[4]See the work entitled "Waiting at Table."
Fashionhas its freaks and its vagaries, and in relation to inanimate objects these freaks and vagaries are but transitory and evanescent, but when they touch upon manners and modes they become a conventionality and a custom perhaps for many a year. Changes and innovations, slight as they are, are more subtle than sudden, and, paradoxical as it may seem, they are as important as they are insignificant; still it is difficult to believe that fingers once did duty for forks, and that it was not customary for a host to supply his guests with forks, who, if fastidious enough to require them, were expected to bring them in their pockets.
There are here and there people in society who affect a few eccentricities of manner, but these whims at all times take the form of originalities and not of vulgarities; and even then are only indulged in by those whose position in society is secure.
As regards Dinner-table Etiquette.—When a lady has taken her seat at the dinner-table, she should at once remove her gloves; although occasionally long elbow gloves are not removed during dinner, but this is conspicuous and inconvenient. She should unfold her serviette and place it on her lap. It is immaterial whether she places the bread on the right or left-hand side of the cover when taking it from the serviette.
A gentleman should do the same with his serviette andbread, placing the one across his knees, and the other at his right or left hand.
When a lady is some little time taking off her gloves, she should remove her serviette before doing so: otherwise a servant would offer her soup before she had made room for the soup-plate by removing the serviette, and she should decide quickly as to which of the two soups handed to her she will take, so as not to keep the servant waiting; and so on through every course throughout the dinner as regards fish, meat, etc.
The guests should consult the menuon first sitting down to dinner. Eating soup comes first under notice. In olden days it was customary to drink it out of a basin. In these days no one "drinks" soup, it is "eaten"; whether it be mock turtle or the clearest julienne, it is eaten out of a soup-plate at dinner, and with a table-spoon.
There is a reason for this choice of spoons; soup is nothing if it is not hot, and as it is the custom to give only about half a ladleful to each person, it is eaten quicker, and therefore hotter, with a large spoon than with a small one.
There is also a good and sufficient reason for small quantities of soup being given in lieu of large ones, viz. the extent of the menu; and when a plateful of soup is handed to a guest accustomed to the regulation supply, he fears that he is expected to dine off it, and that there is nothing much to follow.
Again, small helpings require a smaller quantity of soup to be provided, and a servant is less likely to spill plates containing a little soup than plates that are half full.
At ball suppers, when soup is served in soup-plates, it is also eaten with a table-spoon, but not when served in small cups.
Many years ago it was fashionable to eat fish with a fork and a crust of bread; previous to this a table-knife and forkwere considered the proper things to use for this purpose. It was then discovered that a steel knife gave an unpalatable flavour to the fish, and a crust of bread was substituted for the knife. This fashion lasted a considerable time, in spite of the fingers being thus brought unpleasantly near to the plate, and to this day old-fashioned people have a predilection for that crust of bread. One evening a well-known diner-out discarded his crust of bread, and ate his fish with two silver forks; this notion found such general favour that society dropped the humble crust and took up a second fork. This fashion had its little day, but at length the two forks were found heavy for the purpose and not altogether satisfactory, and were superseded by the dainty and convenient little silver fish-knife and fork which are now in general use.
Small pieces of fish should always be given, and two different sorts of fish should not be placed on the same plate.
When oysters are giventhey precede the soup, and should be eaten with a dinner-fork, not with a fish-fork. In eating oysters the shell should be steadied on the plate with the fingers of the left hand, the oysters should not be cut, but should be eaten whole. Very many ladies do not eat oysters at dinner simply because they do not like them, while others refuse them under the impression that it is more ladylike not to eat them. Perhaps with regard to young ladies it is a taste to be acquired. Some men are very, if not over, fastidious, about the appetites displayed by ladies, and would have them reject theentréesand dine upon a slice of chicken and a spoonful of jelly. Others, on the contrary, respect a good appetite as giving proof of good health and good digestion. There is of course a medium in all things, and as large dinners are ordered mainly with a view to please the palates of men with epicurean tastes, it is not expected that ladies should eat of the most highly seasoned and richest of the dishes given,but should rather select the plainest on the menu. This remark more particularly applies to young ladies and young married ladies, whilst middle-aged and elderly ladies are at liberty to do pretty much as they please, without provoking comment or even observation.
With reference to entrées, some are eaten with a knife and fork, others with a fork only. Allentréesthat offer any resistance to a fork require the aid of both knife and fork, such as cutlets,filet de bœuf, sweetbreads, etc., but whenrissoles, patties,quenelles, boneless curry,vol-au-vents,timbales, etc., are eaten, the fork only should be used.
In the case of the lighterentrées, the contact of the knife is supposed to militate against their delicate flavour; thus, for thesebonnes bouchesthe fork is all-sufficient wherewith to divide and eat them.
The leg of a chicken, pheasant, duck, or wild duck should never be given to a guest save on those occasions when there are more guests present than there is meat from breasts and wings to offer them. Under these circumstances the carver is reduced to the necessity of falling back upon the legs of the birds, but in this case only the upper part of the thigh should be given, thus a guest has little difficulty in cutting the meat from the bone. A wing of a bird is usually given to a lady. Formerly it was thought a correct thing to sever the wing at the joint and then to cut the meat from the bone; but this requires a certain amount of strength in the wrist, and dexterity, should the bird not be in itspremière jeunesse.
As regards small pigeons, golden plovers, snipe, quails, larks, etc., a whole bird is given to each guest, and the proper way to eat these birds is to cut the meat from the breast and wings and to eat each morsel at the moment of cutting it; the bird should not be turned over and over on the plate, or cut in half or otherwise dissected. The legs of Bordeaux pigeons are not, as a rule, eaten, and half a bird only is given, as there is sufficient on the wing andbreast to satisfy an ordinary second-course appetite. When the legs of smaller birds are eaten, such as snipe or golden plover, the meat should be cut off as from the breast or wing.
Young girls, as a rule, seldom eat a second course delicacy of this description; a little chicken or pheasant on the contrary is usually accepted by them.
When large potatoes are servedin their skins a salad-plate should be handed at the same time whereon to place them.
When asparagus first comes into seasonit is often given in the second course instead of in the first, in which case it is eaten as a separate dish. When handed with meat or poultry it should be eaten on the same plate containing either.
In eating asparagus, some elderly gentlemen still adhere to the fashion of their youth and hold the stalks in their fingers, but the younger generation cut off the points with a knife and fork.
Sea-kale also is given in the second course when first in season, and should be eaten with a knife and fork.
Mushrooms are also eaten with a knife and fork.
It need hardly be said that it would be a vulgarity to eat peas with a knife, although those who reside abroad, or who are in the habit of travelling on the continent, are not unaccustomed to seeing this done by foreigners who are well-bred men.
Artichokes are, it may be said, an awkward and untidy vegetable to eat; they are only given in the second course as a separate vegetable; the outside leaves should be removed with the knife and fork, and the inner leaves which surround the heart, or head of the artichoke should be conveyed to the mouth with the fingers and sucked dry; epicures consider this vegetable a dainty morsel, but at dinner-parties young ladies should not attempt to eat these artichokes.
Savouries, when possible, should be eaten with a fork, but occasionally a knife also is of imperative use.
As regards sweets,compôtesof fruit and fruit tarts should be eaten with a dessert-spoon and fork, as should those dishes where juice or syrup prevails to the extent of rendering a dessert-spoon necessary. But whenever it is possible to use a fork in preference to a spoon it is always better to do so.
Jellies, creams, blancmanges, ice puddings, etc., should be eaten with a fork.
As a matter of course, young ladies do not eat cheese at dinner-parties.
Evening Partiesare styled receptions or "at homes" according to the number of guests invited. In official and political circles they are invariably styled "Receptions," but when given on a smaller scale in general society they are styled "At Homes."
Invitationsto evening parties should be issued on "at home" cards.
The name of the person invited should be written at the top of the card at the right-hand corner, the words "at home" being printed beneath the name of the lady issuing the invitation, the day and date beneath the words "at home," the hour beneath the date. The address should be printed at the bottom of the card.
When music is to be given it should be mentioned on the "at home" card, thus, "Music."
The hour varies from 10 to 11 o'clock; in private circles 10 or 10.30 is the usual hour; in official circles 10.30 or 11 o'clock.
When a foreign royal personage is expected, or a foreigner of distinction, or a personage possessing public interest, the words "To meet Her Serene Highness Princess D.," or "To meet Count C." should be written at the top of the invitation cards.
When a reception or "at home" follows a dinner-party given by the hostess, it is not usual to provide anyspecial amusement for the guests. But when an "at home" does not follow a dinner-party, it is usual to provide some sort of amusement for the guests, such as professional vocal or instrumental music.
The guests are expected to arrive from half an hour to an hour of the time mentioned on the invitation card, although it is optional when they do so.
Receiving the Guests.—The hostess should receive her guests at the head of the staircase, where she usually remains until the principal of her guests have arrived; while the host welcomes the guests in the drawing-room itself.
Receptions or "at homes" usually terminate shortly before one o'clock, save on Saturdays, when the hour of departure is 12 o'clock precisely.
Making Introductions.—A hostess should use her own discretion as regards making introductions.
When a royal personage is present the most distinguished of the guests should be presented by the host or hostess. When a celebrity is present introductions should also be made; and as regards general introductions they should be made whenever the hostess judges it expedient to do so, and the principal guests when unacquainted should be introduced to each other when the opportunity occurs.
Going in to Supper.—The host should take the lady of highest rank in to supper.
When a royal princess is present the host should take her in to supper.
When a royal prince is present he should take the hostess in to supper. (SeeChapter V.)
It is optional whether the hostess follows with the gentleman of highest rank present, unless a foreign princeis present, when she should follow the host, and in the case of a royal prince being present she should precede the host.
When a royal prince or princess or a serene highness is present a table should be set apart for the host and hostess and royal party, and any among the guests whom the royal visitors may desire should join them at supper.
When the supper-room is not sufficiently large to accommodate the whole of the guests at the same time, the most distinguished guests should go in first.
When the host is informed that supper is served he should tell the principal gentlemen present which of the ladies he wishes them to take into supper, and should himself lead the way with the lady of highest rank present.
The hostess should also assist in sending the principal guests in to supper, and when the general company observe the move towards the supper-room, they should follow in the same direction.
When the general company are apparently not aware that the supper-room is open, the hostess should ask the various gentlemen to take the ladies in to supper, and should herself lead the way with one of the gentlemen.
When the general company find the supper-room crowded they should return to the drawing-room for a quarter of an hour or so; but the hostess should arrange for some instrumental or vocal performance to commence when supper is first served, so as to occupy the attention of the guests who remain in the drawing-room.
The guests frequently do not return to the drawing-room after supper, but go to the cloak-room for their cloaks and wraps, and thence to their carriages.
It is not usual to take leave of the host and hostess at receptions.
Royal Guests present.—When a royal personage is present the host should conduct her to her carriage.
When a foreign prince is present the host should accompany him to the hall door.
Tea and Light Refreshmentsshould be served during the evening in the library, or in an adjacent apartment.
Supper should be served at twelve o'clock, in the dining-room, and should be similar in character to a ball supper.
Invitations to Bridge Partiesare issued on "at home" cards when the guests number upwards of forty, and on visiting cards when a lesser number is invited.
The Invitation Formis, "Mrs. A—— At Home" in both instances. The day, date, and hour are put beneath the words "at home," and "Bridge" in the corner of the cards opposite the address. The usual hour for holding these evening receptions is 9 o'clock p.m., which allows of three hours' play before midnight. The guests arrive very punctually, rather before than after the hour named on the invitation cards. The guests comprise an equal number of both sexes, as husbands and wives are invited together when both are known to be bridge players, and bachelors who do not disdain playing for small stakes are in great request. Also unmarried ladies of a certain age; not girls in their teens.
Prizes are given in some houses to the conquering players. One for the ladies and one for the gentlemen, and occasionally a second prize for the second best player of either sex. This is done when playing for money does not commend itself to a host and hostess. The prizes consist for the most part of useful articles. For instance, a box of gloves, a box of bon-bons, a case of eau d'Cologne, a card-case, a bag purse, and so on, all of which are acceptable toladies; and a box of cigars or cigarettes, a silver pocket-flask, a silver-mounted stick or umbrella, are prizes the men winners are pleased to accept.
The Bridge Tablesat which the guests are to sit are numbered, and the hostess arranges by whom they are to be occupied. The names—four in number for each table—are written or printed with the number of the table upon small cards and given to the guests by the hostess on arrival. This is done that good players may be placed together, and to save confusion and loss of time in seating them at the various tables.
The Refreshmentsprovided consist in the first instance of "coffee," which is brought into the card-room or drawing-room and handed to the guests. No eatables are given with this after-dinner coffee. A supper is given either at the conclusion of the play at 12 o'clock—this being the more usual plan—or at 10.30, after which play is resumed for another hour or so; but the latter is more of a provincial custom than a town one, and is intended for those whose dinner hour is an early one—6.30, perhaps.
When a supper is not given, very good light refreshments are substituted for it, including cups of hot soup in the winter months.
Going in to Supperis arranged as far as possible on the following lines, if precedence does not prevent its being carried out. The players at each table who are partners when supper is served go in together. The host leads the way with his partner, and all follow, the hostess and her partner going last.
Cards should be leftwithin a week or ten days after a reception.
A married lady should leave one of her own and two of her husband's cards.
A widow should leave one of her own cards.
A bachelor or widower should leave two of his cards. (SeeChapter III.)
Afternoon Weddingsare invariably solemnised at 2.30 o'clock. Only very quiet weddings take place in the morning hours. Formerly, it was only the few who were in a position to obtain special licences who could have afternoon weddings.
Marriage by "Banns"is greatly in favour in general society. The banns must be published three consecutive weeks previous to the marriage in the parish in which the bridegroom resides, and also in that in which the bride resides, and both should reside fifteen days in their respective parishes previous to the banns being published.
Marriages by Licence.—When a marriage is solemnised by licence the cost, with fees and stamps, amounts to £2. This should be obtained at the Faculty Office, or at the Vicar-General's Office, Doctors' Commons, and is available at any church in the parish where one of the parties has resided for fifteen days previous to the application being made for the licence, either in town or country.
When the licence is obtained in the country through a clerical surrogate the cost varies, according to the diocese, from £1 15s.to £2 12s.6d.
Special Licencescan only be obtained from the Archbishop of Canterbury, after application at the Faculty Office,and an especial reason must be given for the application, and one that will meet with the Archbishop's approval.
The fees for a special marriage licence average £29 5s.6d.
The Feesto the officiating clergymen vary considerably, according to the position and means of the bridegroom, from £1 1s.to £5 5s., as the inclination of the bridegroom may dictate.
The fee to the verger is subject to a like variation, commencing at 2s.6d.
All fees relating to a marriage should be defrayed by the bridegroom, and paid by him, or by the best man on his behalf, in the vestry of the church, previous to the ceremony; immediately after it, or some days earlier.
The Etiquette observed at Weddingsis invariably the same whether the wedding takes place in the morning or in the afternoon, or whether it is a grand wedding or a comparatively small one, whether the guests number two hundred or whether they number twenty.
The Invitationsshould be issued from three weeks to a fortnight before the wedding-day.
The wedding luncheon or wedding reception should be given by the parents of the bride or by her nearest relative, and the invitations should be issued in the names of both parents.
The invitations should be issued in notes printed in ink; they are now seldom printed in silver. The form should be as follows: "Mr. and Mrs. —— request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. ——'s company at the marriage of their daughter Helen with Mr. John S——, at St. Peter's Church, Hanover Square, on Tuesday, May 8th, at 2.30 o'clock, and afterwards at —— Square. R.S.V.P."
If a stepdaughter, it should be "at the marriage of Mrs. A——'s daughter Helen B——."
Wedding Presents.—Every one who is invited to a wedding invariably makes the bride or bridegroom a present; it is the received rule to do so. Many send presents before the invitations are sent out—as soon as the engagement is made known, if it is not to be a long one.
There is no rule as to the time before the wedding-day when the present should be sent; but invitations are usually sent to those who have given presents, even though they live at a considerable distance, and may not be able to attend the wedding.
Wedding presents are displayed on tables of various sizes, according to their number, and if very numerous and valuable, it is not unusual to exhibit them at an afternoon tea, given for the purpose on the day previous to the wedding. Each present should bear the card of the giver attached to it. Presents of silver plate should be placed on a table covered with dark cloth or velvet. It is not unusual to surround the presents with flowers, notably roses, and this is often done by persons of artistic tastes.
The Bridegroom should providethe wedding-ring and the bridal bouquet.
The bouquets for the bridesmaids are also the gift of the bridegroom, and should be sent to them on the morning of the wedding. He is also expected to make a present to each bridesmaid—either a brooch, a locket, a bracelet, or a fan, which should either be sent the day before the wedding or on the morning of the wedding-day.
The bridegroom should provide the motor-car to convey himself and his bride from the church to the house where the wedding luncheon and reception are to take place, and again from the house to the railway-station, or, if the journey is made by road, to the place of honeymoon; but frequently the bride's father places his own motor-car at the disposal of the bride and bridegroom for this purpose, especially in the country. The bridal carriageis the only one, according to etiquette, which the bridegroom is expected to provide.
The invited guests should provide their own conveyances, and neither the bridegroom nor the bride's father are ever expected to do so. This should be thoroughly understood by the guests in every case.
The custom of having groomsmen to support the bridegroom is now very general, as at royal weddings, a royal bridegroom being supported by from four to six groomsmen. Two of the groomsmen usually act as ushers and assist in seating the guests.
The Best Manshould be a bachelor, although a married man could act in this capacity. He should either accompany the bridegroom to the church or meet him there. He should stand at his right hand during the ceremony—a little in the rear—and should render him the trifling service of handing him his hat at the close of it.
He should sign the register afterwards in the vestry, and should pay the fees to the clergyman and to the verger, on behalf of the bridegroom, either before or after the ceremony, if the bridegroom does not pay them on arrival.
The bridegroom and best man should arrive at the church before the bride, and await her coming, standing at the right-hand side of the chancel gates.
The Brideshould be driven to the church in her father's motor-car. If she has a sister or sisters, and they officiate as bridesmaids, they, with her mother, should precede her to the church. The motor-car should then return to fetch the bride and her father; but when she has no sisters, her father generally precedes her to the church, and receives her at the church door, her mother accompanying her in the motor-car.
The bridesmaids should arrive some little time before the bride, and form a line on either side of the churchporch, or within the church doorway. The mother of the bride usually stands beside them.
When the bride arrives she should take her father's right arm, or the right arm of her eldest brother or nearest male relative, who is deputed to give her away; he should meet her at the church door in the place of her father, and conduct her to the chancel or altar.
At choral weddings the clergy and choir head the bridal procession and lead the way to the chancel, singing a hymn the while.
The Bridesmaidsshould follow the bride and her father up the nave of the church. When the number of bridesmaids is even, four, six, eight, or twelve; but when the number is odd, as five, seven, or nine, and three of them happen to be children, which is generally the case, the elder bridesmaids should walk "two and two," following next after the children.
At fashionable weddings one or two little boys act as pages, and occasionally bear the bride's train.
The head bridesmaid is generally the bride's eldest unmarried sister or the bridegroom's sister, and she should follow next to the bride with her companion bridesmaid, when children are not included in the group.
The Bride's Mothershould follow next to the bridesmaids, and walk by the side of her son, or other male relative, in following them up the nave of the church. Ladies and gentlemen do not walk arm-in-arm at a wedding, but side by side.
The Bride's Immediate Relativesand the near relatives of the bridegroom should seat themselves in pews or chairs, according to the church in which the service is celebrated. In some churches the service takes place at the entrance of the chancel, and the bridal party enter thechancel and stand at the altar to receive the address, and the concluding portion of the service only is there celebrated.
The Bridegroom's Relativesshould place themselves on entering at the right of the nave, thus being on the bridegroom's right hand, and seat themselves in pews. The relatives of the bride should place themselves on entering at the left of the nave, thus being on the bride's left hand, and seat themselves in pews or chairs. Large cards with the words "For the Relatives of the Bridegroom," "For the Relatives of the Bride," are frequently placed in the pews to indicate where they are to sit.
The Brideshould stand at the bridegroom's left hand; the bride's father, or nearest male relative, should stand at her left hand, in order to give her away.
The bridesmaids should stand immediately behind the bride in the order in which they pass up the church.
The bride should take off her gloves at the commencement of the service and should give them with her bouquet to the head bridesmaid to hold.
The invited guests should sit in the pews or chairs.
Guests seldom take their prayer-books with them to the church to follow the service therefrom. The hymns sung are usually printed on leaflets, and placed in the pews or on the seats.
The bridegroom generally wears a flower in his button-hole, as he does not wear a wedding favour.
The other gentlemen may, as a matter of course, wear button-hole bouquets, if they please.
When the Service is concluded, the bride should take the bridegroom's left arm, and, preceded by the officiating clergyman, and followed by her head bridesmaids, father, mother, and the most distinguished of the guests, should enter the vestry, where the register shouldbe signed by the bride and bridegroom, two or three of the nearest relatives, and by two or three of the most intimate of the friends, and principal of the guests, including the best man and the head bridesmaid. The bride's father should sign it, but it is optional whether the bride's mother does so or not.
When the register has been signed, and those in the vestry have shaken hands with the bride and offered their congratulations, the bride should take the bridegroom's left arm and pass down the nave of the church followed by her bridesmaids, in the same order as they have previously passed up the nave.
The bride and bridegroom usually leave the church without pausing to shake hands with many of their friends present if a reception is to follow.
When the bride and bridegroom have driven off from the church, the bride's mother should be the next to follow, that she may be at home to receive the guests as they arrive. There is no precedence as to the order in which the remainder of the company leave the church; it entirely depends on the cleverness of their servants in getting up their motor-cars.
Button-hole Bouquetsof natural flowers have entirely superseded the old-fashioned wedding favours for both ladies and gentlemen, and are sometimes offered to the guests before they leave their seats at the conclusion of the ceremony, but not invariably so. Button-hole bouquets should be worn on the left side, by both ladies and gentlemen.
A Bride who is a Widowshould not wear a bridal veil, nor a wreath of orange-blossoms, nor orange-blossom on her dress.
She should not be attended by bridesmaids, and wedding favours should not be worn by the guests.
How the Invitations to the Wedding Reception of a Widowshould be issued depends upon individual circumstances. For instance, if a young widow resides with her parents, the invitations should be issued in their names as at her first marriage, and the form of invitation should be similar, save that the words "Their daughter, Mrs. A., widow of Mr. A." should be substituted for her christian name. If, as is very frequently the case, a widow resides in her own house, or if the marriage is to take place from an hotel, the invitations should be issued in her own name, and the form should be "Mrs. Cecil A. requests the pleasure (or the honour) of Mr. and Mrs. B.'s company at her marriage with Mr. Henry C., at St. George's Church on Tuesday, December 30th, at 2.30 o'clock, and afterwards at Eaton Gardens, R.S.V.P." "The presence of" instead of "the company of" may be put if preferred.
It is understood that a Widow should not have Bridesmaids, but it is open to her to have the attendance of pages, if a wedding is to be a fashionable and smart one, although many ladies do not avail themselves of this privilege. The bridegroom should have a best man, as a matter of course; he may be the bride's brother if desired (the idea that this is not permitted is an erroneous one). A married man might be asked to act in the capacity of best man, there being no bridesmaids to require his attention, although this is seldom done, and a bachelor brother or friend is preferred.
A Widow may be given awayby her father, uncle, brother, or even by a friend; indeed, it is more usual to have this support than not. At a first marriage "to be given away" is imperative, at a second it is optional; and if a widow at a quiet wedding prefers not to follow this custom she can do so.
Much Uncertainty exists as to whether a Widow should or should not continue to wear her First Wedding Ringwhen she marries a second time. In point of fact there is no hard and fast rule with regard to it, and a widow may continue or not continue to wear it, as she feels inclined. If she has children, and has had some years of married life, she usually retains it. If she is a young widow, she is likely to remove it, and wear the second ring only; but when this is her intention, she should not cease to wear it until she has arrived at the church, and has taken off her gloves previous to the ceremony; but, take it all in all, it is more usual to wear the two wedding rings than the second one only.
Formerly, Widows considered it Imperative to be married in Widow's Colours, grey or mauve, and that white was forbidden wear; but it is no longer so regarded, and a widow may and does wear white or cream on her wedding-day—not exactly a maiden bridal dress, as a tinge of colour is introduced. The larger number still regard pale grey or pale heliotrope as more suitable on the occasion of a second marriage, and doubtless this is so when a widow is not in her first youth. A widow may not, of course, wear a bridal veil; she must wear a hat or toque, white or coloured, as she pleases. She can have a bouquet, not of white flowers only, but mauve or pink, or violets, according to choice. It is quite permissible to have a full choral service, and for the church in which the ceremony is performed to be decorated with plants and flowers, but wedding favours should not be given to the guests at its conclusion.