When a Widow has a reception the Newly Married Pair should receive their Guestsstanding together. The bride's mother, or near relative, could assist them in receiving. If a luncheon is to be given,they should lead the way to the dining-room, and sit at the head of the table, side by side; but if a reception tea is given, the guests might be sent in at the tea hour—that is to say, told that tea is going on, and the bride and bridegroom could follow later should the numbers be too great to admit of all going into the tea-room at the same time.
It is quite in Order for a Widow to have a Wedding Cake, but it should not be decorated with orange blossoms or with white flowers, merely with icing and ornamentations. The display of presents at the marriage of a widow is, as a rule, a very restricted one. The bridegroom and the bridegroom's family being the principal donors, the presents are seldom exhibited. The exception is when a widow has made many new friends, and has received wedding presents from them. Presents, when made to a widow having a house of her own, are expected to be of substantial value, and there is a general reluctance felt to offering her trifles, even if expensive ones, such as a girl-bride would appreciate; not so a married lady of social standing.
On arriving at the Housewhere the wedding luncheon or reception is to be held, the gentlemen should leave their hats in the hall. The ladies should not remove their bonnets or hats at a wedding luncheon or reception, neither should the bridesmaids do so.
Gentlemen should take off their gloves at wedding luncheons, but it is optional whether ladies do so or not.
At receptions it is optional with both ladies and gentlemen whether they take off their gloves or not.
The guests who have not already had an opportunity of speaking to the bride and bridegroom, on being ushered into the drawing-room, where the company assembles, should shake hands with them, having first gone throughthat ceremony with the host and hostess, if they have not already done so.
Previous to luncheon being announced the bride's father or mother should tell the principal of the gentlemen present whom to take down to luncheon. But this only applies to a sit-down luncheon.
At standing-up luncheons the guests are not sent in in couples, but go in as they please, even two or three ladies together, and little or no precedency, bridal or otherwise, is followed as a general rule.
The luncheon should be served in the dining-room, library, or large marquee, as the case may be.
The bride's mother and the bridegroom's mother should take precedence of all other ladies present on the occasion of a wedding luncheon.
At strictly Family Gatherings the Guests should go in to Luncheon in the following order:—The bride and bridegroom. The bride's father with the bridegroom's mother. The bridegroom's father with the bride's mother. The best man with the head bridesmaid. The remaining bridesmaids with the gentlemen who are to take them in to luncheon.
The rest of the company should follow in the wake of the bridesmaids. The bride should take the bridegroom's left arm.
Sitting-down luncheons and standing-up luncheons are equally fashionable, although the latter are far more general, and little or no bridal precedency is observed. When a standing-up luncheon is given, small tables are arranged for the convenience of the bridal party on one side of the room, while a long table occupies the centre of the room.
When a sitting-down luncheon is given the bride and bridegroom should sit either at the head of a long table or at the centre of it—the bride at the bridegroom's left hand. The bride's father should sit next the bride with the bridegroom'smother. When the bride and bridegroom sit at the centre of the table the bridesmaids should sit opposite to them with the gentlemen who have taken them in to luncheon; each sitting at a gentleman's right hand.
When the bride and bridegroom occupy the head of the table, the bridesmaids, with the gentlemen who have taken them in to luncheon, should place themselves next the parents on either side of the table, dividing their number into two groups.
When the bride's father is dead, her eldest brother or nearest male relative should take his place and should take the bridegroom's mother in to luncheon.
A Wedding Breakfastis now termed a luncheon, champagne and other wines take the place of tea and coffee, which beverages are not served until towards the end of the luncheon. At weddings which take place at 2.30 p.m., a luncheon is frequently given at 3, followed by a "tea" at 4.
The Luncheon Menugenerally comprises soup, entrées both hot and cold; chickens, game, mayonnaises, salads, jellies, creams, etc., etc., and other dishes of a like character.
The sweets should be placed on the table, fruit also.
The entrées, etc., should be handed by the servants, the sweets should also be taken off the table by the men-servants and handed round in turn.
At a standing-up luncheon the gentlemen should help the ladies and themselves to the various dishes on the table, as dishes are not handed at this description of luncheon; hot entrées and soup are not given. The menu is in other respects similar.
The tables should be decorated with flowers at either a standing-up or a sitting-down luncheon. Bottles of champagne should be placed the length of the table at a standing-up luncheon; if not, the gentlemen should ask theservants in attendance for champagne for the ladies they have taken down, and for themselves. At a sitting-down luncheon the servants offer champagne to the guests in the same order in which they hand the dishes.
When the sweets have been handed the bride should cut the wedding-cake. This she does by merely making the first incision with a knife; it should then be cut by the butler into small slices, and handed on dessert plates to the guests.
The Health of the Bride and Bridegroomshould then be proposed by the most distinguished guest present, for which the bridegroom should return thanks. He should then propose the health of the bridesmaids, for which the best man should return thanks.
Occasionally the gentleman of highest rank present also proposes this health in place of the bridegroom.
The health of the bride's father and mother should be proposed by the bridegroom's father.
It is now the custom to confine proposing healths at wedding luncheons within the narrowest limits. The health of the bride and bridegroom, and that of the bridesmaids being, in general, the only healths proposed.
At standing-up luncheons and at wedding receptions, the health of the bride and bridegroom only is proposed.
The Bride should leave the Dining-roomimmediately after the healths have been drunk, to change her dress for departure.
The head bridesmaid should accompany her, if related to her, and the guests should adjourn to the drawing-room to await the bride's reappearance, which should not be long delayed, and the adieus should then be made. Leave-takings should not be prolonged more than is absolutely necessary.
The parents should follow the bride and bridegroom into the hall, and adieus to them should there be made.
The Old-fashioned Customof throwing satin slippers after the bride is sometimes observed, foolish as it is. It is the best man's or the head bridesmaid's privilege to perform this ridiculous act.
When rice is thrown after a bride it should be scattered by the married and not by the unmarried ladies present; but the custom, like that of throwing the so-called "confetti," is now practically obsolete in good society.
Strewing the Bride's Path with Flowersfrom the church to the carriage by village children is a custom much followed at weddings which take place in the country.
The Honeymoonnow seldom lasts longer than a week or ten days. Many brides prefer spending their honeymoon in their future home, if it happens to be in the country, instead of making a hurried trip to Paris or elsewhere, or to spending it at the country house of a friend, lent to them for the purpose. But it is entirely a matter of individual feeling which course is taken.
The Bride's Trousseaushould be marked with the initials of the name she is to take.
The Bridegroom should providethe house-linen and all other things appertaining to the bride's new home.
The Wedding Presentsshould be dispatched to the bride's residence immediately after the wedding, and they should at once be put into their several places, and not arranged for the purpose of being shown to visitors.
The Bridal Wreathshould not be worn after the wedding-day. The bridal wreath, the bridal bouquet, and the orange blossoms from the wedding-cake, if treasured asmementos of the happy event, should be preserved in the recesses of a locked drawer in the bride's chamber, and not exhibited under glass shades in the drawing-room.
Precedenceshould not be accorded to a bride during the first three months after marriage, although this old-fashioned custom is sometimes followed at country dinner-parties on the occasion of a bride's first visit.
The Custom of sending Wedding Caketo friends is an exploded one, and only followed between near relations.
Wedding Cardsare, strictly speaking, out of date, and only sent by people who adhere to old-fashioned customs.
The Words "No Cards"should not be inserted when the announcement of a marriage is sent to the newspapers; neither should the intimation be added that the bride and bridegroom will be "at home" on certain days.
An Afternoon Weddingusually takes place between 2 and 2.30 o'clock, and the "reception" that follows is given from 2.30 to 5, on the return from the church.
When a wedding is a choral one the choir and clergy frequently head the bridal procession. This is arranged with the vicar of the church where the marriage is solemnised.
Invitationsto wedding receptions are no longer issued on "at home" cards, but are included in the invitations to the wedding ceremony issued in printed notes. (SeeChapter XVI.)
The arrangements in the tea-room, and the refreshments given, should be similar to those provided at large afternoon "at homes," with the addition of wedding-cake and champagne.
Ceremonyis, as far as possible, dispensed with as regards sending the guests into the tea-room, and this is a great advantage gained over a wedding luncheon, either a sitting-down or a standing-up one, when people are doubtful as to the exact place belonging to each individual relative.
The bride and bridegroom either enter first, followed by the bridesmaids and a few of the principal guests, or they follow later, as they prefer. The remainder of the company should make their way downstairs as space permits, for a wedding reception is a crowded affair, even in the largest of mansions. Not only is every one invited whohas given a wedding present to either bride or bridegroom, within visiting distance, but even others who are not intimate enough to be expected to do so.
The guests should not make their way in the first instance to the tea-room, but should proceed at once to the drawing-room and shake hands with the host and hostess, and afterwards with the bride and bridegroom. The bride and bridegroom should stand together within the drawing-room and shake hands with all those with whom they are acquainted. The bride and bridegroom should be the first to enter the tea-room. Flowers, as a matter of course, are a great feature at wedding receptions.
The tea and coffee should be served by the maid-servants, generally by the lady's maids, but men-servants should also be in attendance to open the champagne as required. Very little wine is drunk at this hour of the day. Ladies seldom care for it, and gentlemen avoid it on principle. Still, out of compliment to the bride, the relatives quaff a cup of sparkling wine, although her health is seldom proposed or speeches of any kind made. The bride should put the knife into the wedding-cake, and the butler should cut it up and hand it to the guests.
Seats should not be placed in the tea-room, and the tables should occupy the top or side, or both the top and side, of the room, according to the number of guests invited, so as to leave as much space as possible in the centre of the room.
The bride and bridegroom are not always present at a wedding tea, as the departure for the proposed place of honeymoon does not in every case admit of it, and the mother holds the "at home," and the guests inspect the presents after the newly-married couple have left.
An "at home" is sometimes given a few days previous to the wedding for the inspection of the presents, if they are very numerous and beautiful; but even when this is done they still form a centre of interest on the afternoonof the wedding to the many guests. When jewellery and plate to any great extent form a portion of the presents, it is sometimes thought necessary to have a policeman on duty while the house is open to so many comers, and when to effect an entrance under the pretext of business would be an easy matter.
The Responsibilities of a Bridegroomfrom a pecuniary point of view commence from the moment of his engagement. He must at once present the bride-elect with an engagement ring. A man of even moderate wealth finds no difficulty in choosing and purchasing a handsome ring costing from £50 to £100; but a poor man, possessing but a small income, is often put to more expense than he can conveniently afford in the matter of an engagement ring. He knows all the members of the bride's family will sit in judgment upon it if it is but a modest gift worth about £10, which is quite as much as he feels he is justified in spending; he knows that both it and himself will be regarded as very mean, or as conveying a not very inspiriting prospect of days to come. The engagement ring worn on the bride's finger after marriage is a lasting memento, and if a poor one she will not be proud of it—neither will he. Rich men take the brides to choose engagement rings, expense being no object to them; but poor men cannot do this, as the choice might fall on gems beyond their means, therefore they make the choice themselves, according to the position of the families they are about to enter. If the standing is above their own, from a money point of view, the engagement rings have to be chosen in accordance with the jewels worn by members of such families, and a bridegroom would thus spend £40 at least on an engagement ring suitable to a lady so placed.On the other hand, when men with small incomes marry the daughters of parents of a similar position to their own, the engagement rings given are not costly ones, and a ten-pound note, or even less, would cover the cost of these binding tokens. The wedding rings are within the means of all bridegrooms, be they ever so poor.
During the Engagementthe question of presents to the brides-elect is never absent from the thoughts of their bridegrooms. The wealthy please themselves and their brides by giving costly jewels, which are often chosen by the brides themselves in company with their bridegrooms. This is very delightful shopping, but it does not fall to the lot of the great majority. Men of moderate means give presents of moderate value and few in number; they are not bound by etiquette during their engagements to give any jewellery if their incomes do not warrant this outlay; but a man must have very little money to go upon if he cannot contrive to give a bracelet or necklet or some such trinket to the girl he is about to marry.
To give Presents to the Bridesmaidsis another of the obligations of bridegrooms. Here again, the wealthy exercise their generosity and good taste with the concurrence of their brides, who assist them in the choice of suitable presents in articles of jewellery. These average £5 and upwards for each bridesmaid, which bring it to a good total when the bridesmaids are numerous. The point that affects the generosity of bridegrooms, however, is not how much they ought to spend on these presents, but rather, how little may be spent upon them with due consideration for the fitness of things, viz. the position of the bridesmaids. Two sovereigns would be a reasonable sum for a man of small means to spend on each gift to the bridesmaid.
The Bridal Bouquet and the Bridesmaids' Bouquetscome next on the list of expenses a bridegroom defrays. Rich men spend liberally in this direction, but average sums to give to meet ordinary incomes are two guineas to one guinea for a bride's bouquet, and five and twenty to fifteen shillings each for the bridesmaids' bouquets.
The Fees connected with the Ceremonyare strictly the province of the bridegroom to defray. If a marriage is by licence, he pays the cost, which in town amounts to £2 2s.6d., and in the country from £2 12s.6d.to £3 3s.The fee to the vicar of the church where the marriage is to be solemnised varies from £1 1s.to £5 5s., oftener £1 1s.than not with the majority of bridegrooms with moderate incomes, the exception being £5 5s.The minor fees are very trifling that a bridegroom is expected to pay. He pays the organist for playing a wedding march at the conclusion of the service, if it is not a choral one; the bell-ringers look to him for their fee, as do the vergers, etc. Thus a bridegroom pays for what is absolutely necessary at the marriage ceremony only, and very little besides.
When a Friend of the Bride or Bridegroom performs the Ceremonyor assists at it a fee is not given to him by the bridegroom, but a present of some kind is made to him, either in silver plate or by a small cheque, as circumstances dictate, for railway expenses or otherwise. It is usual for the bridegroom to do this unless the clergyman in question is a relative of the bride, when a joint present is usually given by bride and bridegroom.
The Bride's Parents bear a Large Share of the Wedding Expenses, foremost of which is the bride's trousseau, the cost of this being entirely dependent on position and income. The dinners and "at homes" given beforethe marriage to introduce the bridegroom to the members of the bride's family are given by the bride's parents. The wedding reception is given by them, either at their own residence or at an hotel. As concerns their share of the expenses connected with the ceremony, it depends upon whether the wedding is to be a smart one or a quiet one. If the former, the expenses that fall to them are somewhat considerable; if the latter, they are almost nil. A choral service, for instance, is paid for by the bride's parents, the organist, choirmaster, and choir all being severally paid by them. If the hymns sung are printed on leaflets this trifling expense also is included. All floral decorations are paid for by the bride's parents, as is the hire of the awning and the red felt at the church doors. When wedding favours or button-holes are given it is by them also.
For whom the Bride's Family are expected to provide Conveyances is invariably a Misunderstood Detail.—The bride's father has only to provide carriages or cars to convey himself and bride to the church, and for those members of his family residing under his roof, and for visitors staying with him for the wedding. He is not required to provide them for any other of the guests, save in the country, and then only for those who arrive by train at a roadside station and cannot obtain conveyances for themselves. In town the bridegroom has to provide the motor-car to convey himself and bride from the church to her father's house, and afterwards to the station. In the country the reverse is the case, and the bride's father does this by lending one of his own carriages or cars for the purpose.
The Bridegroom is expected to provide the Furnitureand all household effects for the new home, including plate and linen, which latter naturally form very important items. Many of the bridal presents, however are made to lighten these expenses, and consist of plate toa great extent, and occasionally of linen also, from the members of the bride's family; still, the rule in England is that the bridegroom should provide it as part of the necessaries of the home, and the gift of it by relatives is altogether optional.
Afternoon "At Homes"are a great feature amongst the entertainments of the day, large afternoon parties, and small afternoon parties; parties so large that the number of guests equals those at a big crush or evening reception, and so small that they might fairly come under the denomination of afternoon teas.
At afternoon "at homes," ladies are present in a considerable majority, there being usually from about ten gentlemen to thirty ladies on an average present at these gatherings. Ladies have a decided partiality for this class of entertainment, as it affords an opportunity for meeting their friends and acquaintances, or for making new acquaintances, and for forming future plans and interchanging civilities; and even in the height of the London season, afternoon "at homes" are fully attended by the members of the fashionable world.
There are various classes of afternoon "at homes": the large "at home" of from fifty to two hundred guests, when usually professional vocal and instrumental talent is engaged, and fairly good music given, although the entertainment is not of sufficient importance to be termed a concert; the "at home" of from fifty to a hundred guests when only amateur talent is in requisition; and the small "at home" of from ten to thirty people, when conversation usually takes the place of music, the party being composed of friends rather than of acquaintances.
Invitations to "At Homes"should be issued in the name of the hostess only, and not in the united names of the master and mistress of the house.
Invitations should be issued on "at home" cards, large and small, and also on visiting cards. The name of the person invited should be written at the top of the card at the right-hand corner, the words "at home" being printed beneath the name of the lady issuing the invitation, and the day and date beneath the words "at home," and the hour beneath the date. Any amusement to be given should be added at the bottom of the card at the left-hand corner. The address should be printed at the right-hand corner at the bottom of the card.
The letters R.S.V.P. are occasionally either written or printed on the "at home" card, at the left-hand corner of the bottom of the card, but it is not usual to write "R.S.V.P." in the corner of an afternoon "at home" card, as it is immaterial how many guests are present at this class of entertainment; but if an answer is so requested, an answer should be sent. R.S.V.P. signifies "répondez, s'il vous plaît" or "an answer is requested."
It is customary to include the head of the family, either husband or father, in the invitation. Thus, at the top of the card, at the right-hand corner should be written "Mr. and Mrs. A.," or "Mr. and Miss A." The daughters of the house should be included in the invitation sent to their mother. Thus "Mr. and Mrs. A.," "The Misses A.," but the sons of the house should be invited separately.
When a family consists of a mother and daughters, the invitation should be "Mrs. and the Misses A."
The title of "Honourable" should not be put on an invitation card, but only on the envelope containing the card.
All other titles are recognised on invitation cards; but the letters K.C.B., M.P., etc., should not be written on the cards, but only on the envelopes in which they are enclosed.
If a lady is aware that she will be unable to be present, it would be polite to send her excuses, although strict etiquette does not demand it; both the invitation and the answer can in all cases be sent by post.
It is not now considered necessary to leave cards after afternoon "at homes."
Invitations to large afternoon "at homes" should be issued a fortnight previous to the day, and to small "at homes" within a week or so of the day.
The Arrival of Guests.—When invited guests arrive, they should not inquire if the hostess is at home, but at once enter the house; and they should be ushered at once into the tea-room.
The gentlemen should leave their hats and overcoats in the hall.
At large "at homes" a cloak-room should be provided, so that a lady could remove a cloak or fur-cape, usually worn during the winter weather; but at small "at homes" a cloak-room is not necessary, as the reception-rooms are neither so crowded nor so warm, neither are the ladies' toilettes so elaborate.
Refreshments.—At large "at homes" refreshments should be served in the dining-room, on a long buffet at one end of the room, or on a long table the length of the room.
The lady's-maids and other maid-servants should stand behind the table to pour out and hand the cups of tea or coffee across the table as asked for.
It is usual to have women-servants on these occasions to pour out the tea, a man-servant or men-servants being also in attendance, in case anything is required of them, although gentlemen usually help themselves to claret-cup, wine, etc.
The usual refreshments given at these "at homes" aretea and coffee, the latter served from large silver urns. (See chapter "Preparing Afternoon Tea," in the work entitled "Waiting at Table.") Sherry, champagne-cup, claret-cup, ices, fruit, fancy biscuits and cakes, thin bread-and-butter, potted game, sandwiches, etc.
Ice plates are used for ices, dessert plates for fruit and fruit salads.
At small "at homes" champagne, claret-cup, and ices are not given. The tea should be made in teapots, instead of in urns, at both large and small "at homes."
At small "at homes" the tea is usually served in the smaller of the two drawing-rooms, or in an adjoining boudoir or ante-room. The tea is then poured out by the young ladies of the house, or by the hostess herself, but seldom by maid-servants when served in the drawing-room.
The most convenient manner, however, of serving tea is to serve it in the dining-room, unless the number of guests is limited, when it would appear unsociable if they were to congregate in the dining-room, leaving the hostess comparatively alone in the drawing-room.
When tea is served in the dining-room, the guests are usually asked by the servant in attendance if they will have tea before being ushered into the drawing-room.
At small teas, the cups of tea should be handed to the ladies by the gentlemen present, or by the young lady officiating at the tea-table, and gentlemen generally stand about the room, or near the tea-table, at small "at homes."
Receiving Guests.—The servant should precede the guests to the drawing-room as in "morning calls."
At large "at homes" the hostess should receive her guests at the drawing-room door, and shake hands with each on arrival. The drawing-room door should remain open, and she should stand within the doorway.
At small teas, the drawing-room door should not remainopen, and the hostess should receive her guests within the room, as at "morning calls."
The guests should arrive from a quarter-past four until half-past five or six o'clock. The guests are not expected to remain the whole three hours specified, and are at liberty to remain as long or as short a time as they please. The earliest arrivals are generally the first to leave.
When the hostess judges it expedient to do so, she introduces one or two of the ladies to each other, either in a formal manner (seeChapter II.), or in a semi-formal manner, by saying, "Mrs. A., I don't think you know Mrs. B."; but she should not say this unless quite certain that Mrs. B. desires the acquaintance of Mrs. A., or that Mrs. A. has no objection to knowing Mrs. B.[5]
It is rather the exception than the rule to make general introductions on these occasions. Introductions should only be made when the hostess is aware that the persons introduced would be likely to appreciate each other, or for any reason of equal weight.
The guests should go to the tea-room with any gentlemen of their acquaintance present, or in the case of ladies with each other, if they have not done so on arrival.
This move to the tea-room is usually made in the intervals between music, recitations, etc.
Occasionally, the hostess introduces one or two of the gentlemen present to the ladies of highest rank for the purpose of sending them into the tea-room.
A lady should place her empty cup on any table near at hand, unless a gentleman offers to put it down for her. It is optional whether a lady removes her gloves or not, and many prefer not to do so.
At large "at homes," the hostess remains at her post the whole of the time, and hardly ever sits down. At small"at homes," she should move amongst her guests, conversing with them all more or less. When there are daughters, they should assist their mother in entertaining the guests.
When ladies are acquainted, they should take an opportunity of speaking to each other. It is usual for ladies to move about the rooms at afternoon "at homes" to speak to their various friends and acquaintances; and they are by no means obliged to remain seated in one spot unless desirous of doing so.
When music is given at afternoon "at homes," it is usual to listen to the performance, or at least to appear to do so; and if conversation is carried on, it should be in a low tone, so as not to disturb or annoy the performers.
It is not necessary to take leave of the hostess at afternoon "at homes," unless she is standing near the drawing-room door when the guest is passing out, or unless she is a new acquaintance, and the visit a first one at her house, when it would be polite to do so.
When it is late, and but a few guests still remain, these few should make their adieus to the hostess.
At these afternoon teas or "at homes," the hostess should not ring to order the door to be opened for the departing guest or for her motor-car to be called, as at "morning calls." The guests make their way to the hall, and the servants in attendance call up the motor-cars as they are asked for.
Motor-cars should always be kept in waiting at afternoon "at homes," as ladies are sometimes unable to remain longer than a quarter of an hour.
The guests either remain in the hall or in the dining-room until they hear their motor-cars are announced.
Gratuitiesshould never be offered to servants at these entertainments, or, in fact, at any entertainment whatever.
Afternoon Concerts.—When afternoon concerts are given, invitations should be issued on the usual "at home"cards, which can be purchased with the words "at home," etc., already printed, or they are printed to order, with the name and address of the hostess. The name of the person invited should be written above the name of the hostess at the right-hand corner of the card.
The date under the line "at home" should be in the centre of the card beneath the name of the hostess; the hour should be written at the left-hand corner, and the letters R.S.V.P. The printed address should be at the right-hand corner.
The names of the performers should be added at the bottom of the card at the right-hand corner.
The hour usually fixed for a concert is 3 o'clock.
The hostess should receive her guests at the drawing-room door, when they should at once seat themselves. The seats should be arranged in rows down the centre of the room, and sofas and settees should be placed around the room.
The programme of a concert is divided into two parts, and at the conclusion of the first part the guests should repair to the dining-room for refreshments, which are served as at large "at homes."
Afternoon Dances.—Invitations to afternoon dances should be issued on "at home" cards in the manner already described. "Dancing" should be printed in the corner of cards, and the hour of "4 to 7" o'clock substituted for that of "3" o'clock. The words "afternoon dance" should not be written on an invitation card, and there is no other received form of invitation for afternoon dances than the one already given.
Afternoon dances are very popular at watering-places, military stations, small towns in the vicinity of London, etc., but are seldom given in London itself.
Refreshments should be served during the whole of the afternoon, from 4 to 7, as at large "at homes."
The ladies should remove their jackets or wraps in the cloak-room, but retain their hats or bonnets; the hostess should receive her guests at the drawing-room door, as at an afternoon "at home."
Bridge Teasoccupy an important place in social life. They are a convenient form of entertainment, as they allow of a small number of guests being invited, even as few as eight persons being considered a reasonable number of players to invite, while twenty-four is distinctly an outside one. The average number is in most instances sixteen, all told.
The play usually commences at 3.30, sometimes earlier, and continues until 7.30, allowing an interval for "tea" at 4.30.
The invitations to these informal gatherings are either issued in friendly notes or on visiting cards. If on the latter, the words "at home," day, and date are written under the name of the hostess, while "Bridge, 3.30," or "3 o'clock" is put in the corner of the cards opposite the address.
The hostess arranges beforehand the places the guests are to occupy at the different tables; this is done that the good players may play together. When all have arrived, the hostess tells her guests where to sit, and is herself one of the players. On taking their seats they cut for partners. She does not invite guests to look on, as it would necessitate her not playing, but talking to them while they remain; besides conversation is discouraged, as it distracts the attention of the players from the game.
The ladies retain their hats, but remove their coats, furs, etc., on arrival.
FOOTNOTES:[5]See chapter "Conversing with New Acquaintances," in the work entitled "The Art of Conversing."
[5]See chapter "Conversing with New Acquaintances," in the work entitled "The Art of Conversing."
[5]See chapter "Conversing with New Acquaintances," in the work entitled "The Art of Conversing."
An "At Home"day signifies that a lady is at home to her friends and acquaintances on one particular day in the week. She should intimate this fact by printing upon her visiting cards the days on which she is at home. Thus: "Thursdays in March," or "Thursdays in March and April," or any day of the week she thinks proper to name. These cards she should leave in person on those who are not at home when she calls, or they can be sent by post. Those she finds at home she should inform that her "at home" day is "Thursday." She should not leave her visiting card in this case, only two of her husband's cards, and the "at home" day should not be written upon them.
On the "at home" day, calls should be made from three to six, or from four to six. The first comers should leave before the afternoon tea hour and should limit their call according to the degree of intimacy existing, remaining from a quarter of an hour to an hour, as the case may be.
A Hostess or her Daughter should pour out the Teaon these "at home" days when tea is not served in the dining-room as at "at homes," which should be done when the number of visitors is very considerable.
The popularity of a hostess is tested on these "at home" days by the number of visitors who call during the afternoon, and when "at home" days are not a success, sociallyspeaking, she should discontinue them after a certain time, and should substitute an occasional "at home."
It depends not a little on the social standing of the lady who has an "at home" day and upon the locality in which she lives, as to whether the "at home" day is a failure or the reverse. In the outlying districts of town it has its advantages, when to make a call amounts to almost a journey, and when acquaintances are few in the immediate neighbourhood. Again, it has its advantages when ladies are much occupied during the week, and when their time is given up to an engrossing occupation, charitable or artistic, at home or away from home, literary or scientific, at studios, museums and public institutions, etc., work undertaken for their own amusement, profit, or advancement, or for the benefit of others. To these ladies an "at home" day is a convenience. One day in the week is all they can allow themselves apart from their important engagements, and to them quiet privacy and leisure are indispensable. Fashionable ladies consider an "at home" day to be a great tax upon their time and inclinations. Their engagements are too numerous to admit of giving up one whole afternoon in every week on the chance of people calling. Not only long-standing but impromptu engagements preclude this sacrifice. It would be a breach of politeness not to be at home to callers on an "at home" day, and many things might occur to necessitate absence from home on that particular afternoon. If, however, absence is unavoidable, a relative might take the place of the hostess on the "at home" day in question.
The people who thoroughly enjoy "at home" days are those who have more time on their hands than they know what to do with. The few calls they have to make are soon made, the few friends they have to see are soon seen, occupation they have none, and they are grateful for the opportunity "at home" days offer of meeting their friends and finding a hostess at home.
Generallyspeaking, etiquette is followed in the colonies and in India by English men and women very much as in the mother country as regards its principles, rules, and observances. One marked difference occurs in the hours of calling, it is true, they being regulated by climate. In hot climates, the early morning hours, before noon, and late evening hours, after sunset, are, according to the fashion of the place, the chosen hours for calling; but in more temperate climes—resembling our own—the afternoon hours are, as with us, the hours for calling. Again, the rule that residents should call upon new-comers, whether they be visitors of other residents or intending residents, holds equally good both in civilian and military circles alike.
In all colonies and dependencies "Government House" is the centre to which all society gravitates—that is to say, that all new-comers, whether they are to become permanent or temporary residents, providing their social position warrants the action, hasten to make known their arrival by writing their names and addresses in the visitors' book kept at each Government House for the purpose. The object of doing this is to be received at Government House, and thus to obtain an entrance into the society of the place. What follows upon this social observance—it hardly merits the name of civility, such calls being actuated by self-interest in the first instance—depends upon a variety ofcircumstances, the position of the caller, and whether the stay is to be permanent or temporary, whether introductions are brought or not, and so on. The invitations extended to them are regulated accordingly. They may be limited to afternoon "at homes"; or receptions, dinners, and dances may be included; or a visit to the summer residence of the Governor and his wife may also be reckoned amongst invitations, as this latter is not an unusual display of hospitality accorded to certain individuals.
How the Governor of a Colony should be addressedby his guests depends upon his rank. As he represents the sovereign, it would be quite correct to address him as "Sir," as being the most deferential mode, and Governors as a body rather like to be thus addressed. In the case of a Governor being a knight—a very usual contingency—it would be equally correct to address him as "Sir George," and not as "Sir." When a Governor has not received knighthood, he should be addressed as "Mr. A——," when it is not desired to be too stiff and formal.
In conversation, when referring to the Governor—he being present—it should not be "The Governor," but "Lord Blank," "Sir George," or "Mr. A—— said so and so," unless strangers are present, before whom it would seem right to be a little formal.
In addressing a Governor by letter, the envelope should be directed to "His Excellency Sir George Blank," however friendly its contents may be; but when writing to a Governor's wife, it has not been thought right to style her "Her Excellency," but simply "Lady Blank," unless in the case of a Viceroy's wife, as in India or Ireland; but as against this the point was raised some years ago, and it was then decided that the wives of Governors were entitled to be so addressed.
Colloquially, the members of a Governor's suite refer to both the Governor and his wife as "His" and "HerExcellency," and style them "Your Excellency," and all who approach them officially, being of inferior rank, do likewise; but socially they are seldom so addressed.
A Colonial Bishopshould not actually be styled "My Lord," or referred to as "The Lord Bishop," if it is desired to be quite correct; but "My Lord" or "The Lord Bishop" is now often used by persons who know it is not the proper style of address, but make use of these titles, wishing to be more deferential than scrupulously correct. In writing to a colonial bishop, the envelope should be addressed to "The Right Rev. the Bishop of ——," and the letter commenced "Right Rev. Sir" or "Dear Bishop Blank."
A colonial officer who has received the King's special permission to retain the title of "Honourable" which he bore in his colony, is accorded at Court,i.e.at a levée, Court ball, etc., the same precedence as a peer's son, who is styled "Honourable," but this does not practically give him any rank or precedence at ordinary social gatherings, where that special grant is unknown or ignored. Also the privilege confers no rank or precedence upon the wife or daughters of a colonial Honourable, just as the wife of a Right Honourable here has no special precedence.
The title of Honourable cannot continue to be borne by a retired colonial officer or Legislative Councillor unless it has been specially authorised by the sovereign on the recommendation of the Secretary of State for the Colonies.
Itis the custom that those who wish to be invited to Government House (Viceregal House) at Simla, or elsewhere, should, immediately on arrival, write their names in the visitors' book kept for that purpose, and they are sure, if in general society, to be asked to one or more of the receptions held during the season. They are introduced to the Vice-Queen—as the wife of the Viceroy is termed—by one of theaides-de-campin waiting.
When a lady is the wife of a Government official, it gives her a position in society in India which perhaps she would not otherwise have, and is in itself a passport to most functions. Official rank is everything in India.
As regards attending the Viceregal Drawing-rooms, they are only held in Calcutta and in the evening. If a lady has been presented at a Court in England, she can attend a Drawing-room in Calcutta; but, if she has not been presented at home, she must be introduced by some other lady who has been presented at the Viceregal Court.
In writing unofficially to the Governor-General of India, it would not be correct to use the title of "Viceroy," and the proper superscription is "His Excellency The Right Hon."; or, if a Duke, "His Excellency The Duke of ——"; or, if a Marquis, "His Excellency The Most Honble. Marquis of ——," etc.
To the wife of a Viceroy the address should be "HerExcellency the Duchess of ——," "Her Excellency The Marchioness of ——," "Her Excellency The Countess of ——"; or "Her Excellency The Lady Blank," if the wife of a Baron.
When addressing a Viceroy or Vice-Queen colloquially or unofficially, "Your Excellency" should not be used in either case. The title only in both instances should be employed.
On being introduced to either of their Excellencies, it would be correct to curtsy.
Garden-partiesare entertainments that are annually given. If the weather is fine, the more enjoyable it is for the guests; if wet, a garden-party resolves itself into a large "at home." In almost every county a series of garden-parties is held by the principal ladies of their respective neighbourhoods during August and September, nothing but absence from home, illness, or some equally good reason being considered sufficient excuse for the non-fulfilment of this social duty.
The county at large expects to be invited at least once a year to roam about in the beautiful park of the lord of the manor, to row on the lake, to play lawn-tennis on the lawn, to wander through the winding paths of the shady, leafy shrubberies, to admire the brilliant hues of the geraniums bedded out on parterre and terrace, or the variegated asters, or the late Gloire-de-Dijon roses, which at the end of August are in their fullest beauty. Then there are the conservatories through which to saunter, and from which to beat a retreat, if the sun is too powerful, into the mansion itself, the reception-rooms being generally thrown open on the occasion of a garden-party.
A garden-party is an occasion for offering hospitality to a wide range of guests—people whom it would not be convenient to entertain save at this description of gathering. Invitations are on these occasions freely accorded to ladies, from the energetic lady of eighty to the little lady of eight.
One great advantage offered by a garden-party is that it is immaterial to what extent ladies are in the majority, and it is a reproach to a county rather than to a hostess if the muster of guests is eighty ladies against twenty gentlemen.
Invitations to a Garden-partyshould be issued in the name of the hostess, and within three weeks to a week of the date fixed. "At home" cards should be used for this purpose, and the words "and party" should be invariably added after the names of the invited guests.
"Croquet" or "Tennis" should be printed in one corner of the card, the hour, 3 to 7 o'clock, above, the day and the date beneath the name of hostess. "Weather permitting" is seldom written upon the card, and the guests are expected to arrive even though the afternoon should be showery and overcast, and only a thoroughly wet afternoon, with no break between the showers, should prevent their appearing. In the country, ladies think little of a drive of ten miles to attend a garden-party.
Arrangements for Garden-Parties.—Garden-parties or croquet-parties are given on different scales of expenditure, and the preparations are regulated accordingly.
When a garden-party is given on a small scale, and the preparations are comparatively few, refreshments should be served in the house. (For the usual refreshments provided, and for the general arrangements, see work entitled "Waiting at Table," p. 82.)
A good supply of garden-chairs and seats should be placed on the lawn and about the grounds, rugs spread on the grass for those who sit out, and several sets of croquet provided for players.
At large garden-parties a band is considered a necessary adjunct, and the band of the regiment quartered in the vicinity is usually available for these occasions.
A band giveséclatto an out-door gathering and confers local importance upon it. Apart from this, the strains of a band enliven an entertainment of this description in no little degree. The place where the band is stationed is a rallying-point for the company, and the expense and trouble consequent upon engaging a band are repaid by the amusement it affords.
The matter of engaging a military band is generally undertaken by the master of the house, rather than by the mistress, as, in the first place, the consent of the colonel of the regiment has to be obtained as a matter of form and courtesy before the arrangements are completed with the bandmaster.
Conveyance for the band has also to be provided and discussed with the bandmaster, and also refreshments for the bandsmen; and these details are more effectually carried out by a host than by a hostess.
Occasionally a large marquee is erected in which to serve refreshments, but more frequently the refreshments for the general company are served in the house, and only cool drinks dispensed in a tent to the cricketers or lawn-tennis players.
Cricket-matchesare often theraison d'êtreof a garden-party, rendering it popular with both ladies and gentlemen. The cricket-match in this case generally takes place in a field near to the grounds of the mansion, the match commencing about twelve o'clock, and the general company arriving about half-past three, or punctually at four, to witness the finish.
Golf now ranks first amongst fashionable out-door amusements with both sexes. Private links are comparatively few, but club links exist in almost every neighbourhood—ladies' clubs, men's clubs, and clubs for both ladies and gentlemen.
Croquet or tennis tournaments are frequently the occasionof giving garden-parties, and some very exciting play takes place.
When a tournament is held it takes the form of a garden-party; it usually lasts two days. The arrangements made for holding it depend upon circumstances, and it takes place, as do archery-matches, in either private or public grounds.
Amusements.—When a number of children are expected at a garden-party, performances of marionettes, or Punch-and-Judy, or conjuring are given for their amusement.
In districts remote from town, these shows are difficult to obtain; therefore amateur showmen come bravely to the rescue, and their kindly efforts to divert the juveniles meet with due appreciation on all sides.
Not seldom a little amateur music is given at a garden-party—not a pre-arranged programme of music, but impromptu performances. These good-natured efforts to enliven the company occupy about an hour, and such performances take place in either the drawing-room or music-room of the mansion.
Garden-parties seldom terminate with a dance, though occasionally dancing closes the afternoon's amusements.
The time occupied by croquet or tennis precludes all desire on the part of the players for further exertion in the shape of dancing, and young people apparently prefer playing croquet from 3 to 7 on the lawn to dancing in a marquee or in the drawing-room at that hour.
A host and hostess receive their guests at a garden-party on the lawn; strangers should be introduced to the hostess by those who have undertaken to bring them to her house, and she should shake hands with all comers. It is also usual for guests to shake hands with the hostess on departure, if opportunity offers for so doing.
Garden-parties commence from 3.30 to 4 o'clock, and terminate at 7 o'clock.
In making preparations for a garden-party, stabling for the carriage-horses and motor-cars of the numerous guests should be taken into consideration, and refreshments provided for the men-servants and chauffeurs.
Public afternoon concerts, bazaars, and flower-shows are essentially functions frequented by ladiesen masse, and it is the exception, rather than the rule, for gentlemen to accompany them; again, at private afternoon gatherings, ladies usually appear unaccompanied by gentlemen.
When a garden-party is a very large function, it is not unusual to put the words "garden-party" on the invitation cards in place of the words "at home"; thus: "The Countess of A—— requests the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. B——'s company at a garden-party on ——," etc.
Thefirst garden-parties in town are usually given early in June, and continue during this and the ensuing month. The garden-parties at Lambeth Palace and Fulham Palace are the pioneers of the garden-party season, and the lead is followed by general society with more or less alacrity.
Town garden-parties resolve themselves into large receptions held out-of-doors, and those who know what crowded drawing-rooms imply in the sultry days of June are particularly glad of this change oflocale, and willingly spend an hour or more at one of these out-of-doorreunions, instead of thinking a quarter of an hour's stay all too long within doors, where it is a case of heatversusdraught, and difficult to determine where it is the most objectionable, in the drawing-room, tea-room, or on a staircase. Although these functions are designated "garden-parties," yet the real style and title is "at homes," the address being sufficient indication to the invited guests as to the description of entertainment to be given, as the spacious gardens and lawns in and around London where these annual parties are held are well known to society at large. A band playing in the grounds where the garden-party is given would appear to be asine quâ non, but the excellence of the same is merely a question of expense. Thus guests have the pleasure of listening to the strains of splendid bands, and also the disappointment of hearing others far below the average.
As this fickle climate of ours is not to be counted upon for twenty-four hours at a stretch to remain fine, it is seldom considered advisable to have the whole of the refreshment tables out-of-doors, and thus only ices, strawberries and cream, and ice cups are served out-of-doors; tea, coffee, and the rest, with ices, strawberries and cream, being invariably served within doors.
Refreshment tables out-of-doorsconsiderably take off the strain from the tables in the tea-rooms, especially during the first half-hour, when the great rush is made in this direction. Again, should heavy rain set in, the servants can easily remove pails of ice and bowls of strawberries and cream out of harm's way. Even a large tent or marquee is not considered altogether desirable for refreshments, as under a burning sun the air within becomes over-heated and oppressive, while in the case of a downpour the results are almost disastrous.
The popularity of garden-parties is incontestible in propitious weather. A variety of reasons conduce to this; for one thing, movement is so pleasant an exchange from the almost stationary position guests are compelled to take up in a crowded drawing-room. Again, the number of guests invited is so much greater than to an "at home," that the chance of meeting a corresponding number of friends and acquaintances is trebled; or, on the other hand, if but a few friends should be present among the guests, yet the situation does not amount to isolation and boredom; and the alternative of sitting under a shady tree or sauntering about on the lawns listening to the strains of the band, is positive enjoyment in comparison to sitting in the corner of a drawing-room barricaded by a phalanx of ladies, or standing wedged in the midst of the same. It is small wonder, therefore, that invitations to these out-door functions are hailed with satisfaction and pleasure.
Arrivals at a garden-partyare made almost simultaneously, or if not quite this, they follow in rapid succession, so that host and hostess have a short interval between arrivals and departures; and this offers an opportunity to give more than a shake of the hand to many of the guests,i.e.a little friendly conversation; while at an "at home" the hostess has to be at her post from 4 p.m. to 7 p.m., as guests arrive continuously, even close up to the hour named for departure.
The host is expected to be present at a garden-party, and almost always is so; but his presence at his wife's "at home" is left a little doubtful, and his absence is often accounted for on the ground of its being unavoidable; but the trivial reasons that many men advance to their wives for their non-appearance prove how glad they are to escape from the ordeal on any terms. A man in the open air is at his best, and therefore a garden-party appeals to a host almost as much as it does to a guest.
Although the words "at home" are in general use when issuing invitations to these functions, yet occasionally the words "garden-party" are substituted in lieu of them on the "at home" cards, when the gatherings are unusually large; thus: "Viscountess B—— requests the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. G——'s company at a garden-party on ——," etc.