“But it often makes a successful one.”
I am dressing two brothers now, men of considerable position; one is a mere man of pleasure, the other will probably be a Minister of State. They are as like as two peas, but were I to dress the dandy and the minister the same, it would be bad taste—it would be ridiculous. No man gives me the trouble which Lord Eglantine does; he has not made up his mind whether he will be a great poet or a Prime Minister. ‘You must choose, my lord,’ I tell him. ‘I cannot send you out looking like Lord Byron if you mean to be a Canning or a Pitt.’
“What all men should avoid is the ‘shabby genteel.’ No man ever gets over it. I will save you from that. You had better be in rags.”
Dress in the country.
Dressin the country varies considerably in many matters from that worn in town. A boy’s first “country suit” after he leaves school is a great event to him.
The first suit of tweeds.
At Eton and Harrow the style of dress might almost be called a uniform, and the first suit of tweeds marks the emancipation from school-life. When in the country he dons these the first thing in the morning, unless he should be on hunting or bicycling thoughts intent, or should incline towards tennis, boating, or the slow delights of angling. After lunch a change has occasionally to be made.
At a garden party.
Should a garden party be in question, he may take his choice between tweed suit and low hat or cutaway coat with silk hat. If he happen to be great on tennis the tweed suit would be naturally his choice, unless it were distinctly understood that the game would form a prominent feature of the afternoon’s entertainment. In this case flannels would be worn. Sometimes very ceremonious garden partiestake place in the country, when Royalty or distinguished persons are expected to be present, when the frock coat and its usual accompaniments would not be out of place.
Invitations to breakfast.
Invitations to breakfast in the country are by no means unusual. The dress would consist of that ordinarily worn in the mornings, whether tweed suit, knickerbockers, hunting or riding gear, or the black morning-coat or suit. Frequently a silk hat is never seen between Sunday and Sunday.
Church-going costume.
Churchgoers still, to a certain extent, affect it, but in these days of outdoor life, bicycling, and so on, the costume worn by men in church is experiencing the same modifications that characterise it in other departments. The details of shooting suits can always be studied in the illustrated advertisements of the tailors. A man’s wardrobe is now almost as varied as a woman’s. He has different costumes for walking, riding, driving, visiting, boating, hunting, shooting, golfing, bicycling, tennis, and cricket, dining, smoking, and lounging, football, racing, and yachting, to say nothing of uniform and Court suit, besides the now developing motor-car costume.
Itis necessary for every young man to have a supply of visiting-cards, and for these there is one fixed rule, any departure from which betokens want of knowledge of the customs of well-bred people.
Visiting-cards, size and style.
The size must be exactly three inches by one and a half. The pasteboard must be pure white and glossy and the lettering must be in italic.
An idea prevails among young men of a certain class that it is incorrect to put the title “Mr.” before their own name on a visiting-card. This is a great mistake. Not to put it is to show oneself lacking insavoir faire.
The customary or other title must precede the name.
The name must always be preceded by “Mr.” or “Sir,” or other title. The address must occupy the left-hand corner, and the name of one’s club or clubs must follow it.
In the absence of a permanent address.
When a young man has no permanent address, it is well to have only his name printed, filling in the address in pencil before leaving or presenting his card.
The hours for calling.
The hours for calling are from four to seven in the afternoon, but young men who are not on very intimate terms with the family should carefully abstain from calling after six o’clock, lest they should be the last and solitary caller.
On arrival.
When the door is opened, and the question, “Is Mrs. Blank at home?” answered in the affirmative, the visitor is invited to follow the servant. He may take off his overcoat if he wishes, but he must carry his hat and stick in his hand. The right-hand glove must be removed. The gloved hand is never given to a lady, certain exceptional circumstances proving the rule.
Greeting the hostess.
Arrived in the drawing-room, he holds his hat and glove in the left hand, greets hostess first, she shaking hands with him, and then he looks round the room and greets any acquaintance he may recognise, going up to them if he knows them well, bowing if his previous knowledge of them has been slight. Having taken his seat, he still holds his hat in his hand, and he must find small talk as best he can, for sitting silent is awkward for him and distressing to his hostess. She, by the way, will probably say, “Would you not like to put down your hat?” indicating some spot where he may lay it. The reason of carrying the hat to the drawing-room
The reason why the hat is carried.
is a somewhat subtle one. It is based on the supposition that the masculine caller feels himself privileged in being permitted to pay his respects, and feeling himself on sufferance, is ready to leave in a moment, hat in hand, should he not find his presence agreeable and acceptable.
I have a private theory that this custom is cherished and kept up by men from a conviction that their hats are much safer in their own sight in the drawing-room than they would be downstairs in the hall. New umbrellas have been taken instead of old, as we all know, and new hats are quite as tempting, if not more so.
The card should not be sent up.
Do not send your card up when making a call. This is reserved for business men. The servant asks your name, and it must be given very distinctly. It will then be announced in a loud, clear voice when the door is opened. Should the hostess show by her manner that she has not recognised the name, its owner must recall himself to her memory by saying, “I am Mr. So-and-so. I had the pleasure of,” &c., &c., explaining the circumstances that led to the call.
Leaving the card on departure.
The visiting-card must be left on the hall table when the caller goes away, one card for the ladies of the house, and one for the gentleman orgentlemen, whether these latter have been present or absent during the call.
Should the lady called on be “Not at home” the cards are given to the servant.
Rendering an important service.
When a man has rendered an unknown lady some really important service, as in the case of a street accident or some other disagreeable circumstance in which he has been able to avert from her some unpleasantness which she would have otherwise incurred, the lady will probably ask him to let her know to whom she is indebted for so much kindness. The proper course to pursue is to disclaim any special obligation, but if the lady persists, it is then good manners to give the name. Should the gentleman feel very much interested in the lady, he may say, “I should very much like to call to-morrow to find out if you are none the worse for your adventure.” She may then give him her address, and he would give her his card.
A trivial service.
But this would all be very much out of place if the affair had been some mere matter of common courtesy, such as picking up some article dropped by a lady and restoring it to her. A gentleman in such circumstances raises his hat and retires as quickly as possible, lest the lady should imagine that he could base a claim to her acquaintanceon the performance of so trivial a service.
It is only the “cad” who thus presumes, and the “cad-ess” who allows him to do so.
Visiting-cards are never sent by post. They denote a call in person.
P.P.C. Cards.
The only exception to this rule is in sending out P.P.C. cards.
These are always sent by post. The letters denotepour prendre congé(“to take leave”), and are used when it is found impossible to call and say goodbye to all one’s circle of acquaintance.
A call after a ball or dinner-party must be made within the week, and cards left.
Sickness and death.
In calling to inquire after the welfare of an invalid, or after the family has suffered bereavement, cards are always left. If a man is on intimate terms with a family that has suffered bereavement, he sometimes uses cards with a slight line of black, and should he write a letter of condolence, notepaper and envelopes with the same slight indication of mourning on them. This expresses sympathy and a personal share in the sorrow felt.
In making a call after death has visited any family, the dress of the caller should be attuned to the occasion, and should be of a sombre order, though it need not be precisely mourning.
When a man is a frequent visitor toany house, he may leave his hat and stick in the hall.
The umbrella is never taken into a drawing-room.
After an invitation.
Cards must be left after an invitation, whether the latter be accepted or not.
In case of not wishing to pursue the acquaintance of the person who sent the invitation, it is sufficient to leave the cards without inquiring whether the lady is at home.
Terminating an acquaintanceship with courtesy.
If a man should wish, for any reason, to courteously end an acquaintanceship, he can do it without any of the intolerable “cutting,” a method resorted to only by the rough and uncultivated.
The final call.
He may make a call that, in his own mind, he knows to be a final one, remaining only just the quarter of an hour that is the minimum length of such functions, and preserving a certain gravity of demeanour which is as free from “sulks” as it is from other forms of bad temper. After this, he may leave cards once more without asking if the ladies of the family are at home. In this way he can gradually and with perfect courtesy break off the intimacy.
In the street.
In the street he raises his hat but does not stop to speak. It is quite possible to ignore the attempt to do so on the opposite side, but should circumstances be such as to make it difficult to do so withoutpositive rudeness, he must stop, putting an end to the conversation at the earliest possible moment.
Duration of call.
A call should never extend over half an hour unless the caller be expressly requested to prolong it.
Consulting the watch.
A gentleman never looks at his watch during a call, at a dinner-party, afternoon reception or ball. This is prohibited because the inference would be that time was dragging with him and that he was anxious to get away. A man may feel such anxiety, but he must hide it if he would be deemed well-bred.
Young men who do not pay their duty call and leave a card after any entertainment, are likely to be omitted from the list of guests invited on some succeeding occasion.
When a man finds himself “dropped.”
Occasionally it happens that a young man finds himself “dropped” by some family with whom he has been on terms of intimacy. He is debarred by the rules of polite society from asking for an explanation, it being a canon of good breeding never to ask questions that are embarrassing to reply to. This has been embodied in a very outspoken and unceremonious phrase “you ask me no questions, I tell you no lies.” There is a deep truth in it, nevertheless, and even in family life it is well to observe it.
Sometimes the reason a young manis dropped in this way is that something to his disadvantage has been discovered.
An occasional reason.
But not unfrequently the true reason is that one of the daughters of the house has shown a preference for his society which the parents think should be checked. Girls of the present day do not always exercise the well-bred self-control that is the rule of good society in such matters. To love unsought is a misfortune for any girl, leading inevitably to much mortification and humiliation, but these may be minimised if she can only practice a dignified reticence about her feelings.
Putting out a feeler.
But should a young man thus capriciously (as it seems to him) be left out in the cold be on sufficiently good terms with a son of the house, it would be quite in rule for him to put out a feeler or two on the subject: “I say, old fellow, I wonder if I have been so unfortunate as to offend your people in any way?” He will soon discover, from the aspect of his interlocutor, whether he is likely to gain any information on the matter.
Calls of Inquiry.
Calling on friends bereaved.
In calling on friends who have suffered bereavement, after having received their card of thanks for kind inquiries, it is, of course, requisite that the dress shouldbe of the quietest description. A red tie, for instance, would be horribly out of place. Only in case of very intimate friendships is the call prolonged beyond ten minutes or a quarter of an hour. The caller takes his tone from that of the family.
Avoiding reference to the loss.
It is in the worst taste to refer to the loss sustained unless the initiative is taken by one of those bereaved. This is very seldom done, and the conversation is usually conducted on lines calculated to avert any disturbing remark. No one likes to break down or lose self-command except in seclusion; and, in fact, it is only necessary to look into one’s own consciousness in order to discover what is the best course to follow in such cases.
Attending the funeral.
Should a young man be invited to attend the funeral, he must wear mourning, black gloves, and black hatband. Punctuality, important at all times, is particularly essential at this dreary ceremonial. The family usually provides carriages, but in the case of friends who possess equipages, they always take their own. It is the custom to assemble at the house, or to go by fixed train should the family reside in the country.
Invitations to return.
It is better not to accept any invitations to return tothe house afterwards; for, as a rule, these are only given as a matter of form.
Gifts of flowers.
We often see in newspapers after the announcement of a death, a request that no flowers may be sent. Failure to comply with this would argue a want of perception, but when no such intimation is made a friend may send flowers, the only essential being that they should consist as a rule of pure white flowers or orchids, pansies, or violets. Occasionally an exception is made to these in the case of favourite flowers of the lost friend. An exquisite garland of pale tea-roses appeared among the scores of wreaths seen at the funeral of one of our greatest poets.
The importance of a good manner.
Itwould not be easy to over-estimate the importance of a good manner from a social point of view. It ranks far above much more important qualities. The “rough diamonds” who conceal their traditional good heart under a surly exterior are seldom happy people, notwithstanding their genuine thoroughness and real goodness.
The qualities valued by society.
In family life and in society a gentle manner “covers a multitude of sins.” The world and the home reflect back to us the face we present to them. If we cultivate a bright and cordial manner we shall be heartily received by others, though the real nature of us lies beneath as cold and hard as salt fresh from a mine. In the home the coldness and hardness are soon found out, but they are partially condoned for the sake of the superficial courtesy and kindness. In society the quality of the heart matters little, so long as the surface is, at the same time, genial and polished.
“Life is a large bundle of little things.”
Life is chiefly made up of small things, and if we learn to take an interest inthe trifling incidents of our friends’ lives, in the everyday occurrences in the existence of our acquaintances, we supply the sympathetic element that tells so largely in our favour.
Simulation may induce reality.
And very often the simulation of this interest induces the reality, and our own life is brightened by participating in the pleasures and the happiness of others, and deepened by sharing in their disappointments, and by doing so helping them to overcome them. With a cold, forbidding manner it is impossible to convey any such impression.
Shyness.
But this often comes from shyness, not only in the young, but all through life. The youthful form of shyness is self-consciousness and self-distrust. That which lasts through life is the fear of self-revelation.
And reticence.
Even the frankest natures have often this quality of reticence, which forbids them to reveal the inner depths of their thoughts, and makes them hate to be divined.
Rochefoucauld says we all hate to be divined, though we like to divine others; but many of us know well what a delightful thing it is to be read like an open book by those whose thoughts reflect our own, and with whom we discover ourselves to be in mental kinship.
The ideal life—few friends, many acquaintances.
The ideal life is that which has few friends but many acquaintances. Thefriends are close and firm ones, “grappled to our hearts with hooks of steel,” and the circle of acquaintances offers opportunities for adding to their number. But without an agreeable manner it is difficult to secure these inner and outer spheres of social companionship.
A recipe for the formation of a good manner.
Were I asked to give a recipe for the formation of a good manner I should recommend an equal mixture of self-confidence and humility as the first essential, then a considerable desire to please, tempered by the self-respect which preserves from officiousness and that annoying air of “ingratiating” themselves that some men assume in society. There must be perfect self-possession, though in the very young this is scarcely expected, a little becoming shyness sitting very well upon them. “I like a shy man. He’s getting so scarce,” said a very pretty woman at a ball not long since. “Find one, quick, and introduce him.” Her laughing emissaries went off to search for the desired article, and after a while returned with the report that the only shy man in the room was engaged for every dance!
Add gentleness to self-possession.
When self-possession has been acquired it is well to add on to it the saving grace of gentleness. This quality is much misunderstood by men. In women they adore it; inthemselves and each other they undervalue it. But women love gentleness in men. It is a most telling piece of the necessary equipment for society. A gentle manner, a gentle voice, and the absence of all self-assertion, that is at the root of the matter, have won more love than good looks.
Carlyle called the members of upper-class society “amiable stoics,” in reference to the equable serenity of countenance and calm self-possession of manner with which they accept those occasionally trying conditions of social life which necessitate self-denial in matters great and small.
“Amiable stoics.”
This placidity is the result of long training. Not just at first does a young man bow to the decree of his hostess which separates him from the girl he admires and tells him off to take some uninteresting dowager to the supper-room. But should he evince any sign of discontent with the arrangement he is at once convicted of ill-breeding. The man of “perfect manners” is he who is calmly courteous in all circumstances, as attentive outwardly to the plain and the elderly as he is to the young and pretty.
The man of “perfect manners.”
It is difficult to renounce the delightfultête-à-têtewith a charming girl when asked by his hostess to dance with some poor wallflower who has been neglected for half-a-dozen dances. But it has tobe borne, and eventually it brings its own reward. The “duty” dance is a hard thing, and good manners involve a considerable amount of self-denial; but repetition soon makes it comparatively easy, and invitations of an agreeable kind pour in on the young man who shows himself willing to practise those peculiar forms of selflessness, opportunities for which so frequently arise in society.
Self-denial not unrewarded.
It is probably in imitation of this surface equanimity that the wooden stare has been adopted so universally by our golden youth.
The wooden stare.
This is useful for wearing at one’s club or in the stall of a theatre, and it at once stamps the proprietor of the stare as being “in it.” The fashion is not confined to England. It reigns in New York, and even in far Australia there is a select coterie of golden or gilded youth who are beginning to learn how to abstract every atom of expression from the countenance, and to look on vacantly or seem to do so. As yet, there is no considerable expertness achieved in the matter in Antipodean circles, but in New York a very fair impression of imbecility is conveyed in the look of the ultra-fashionable young man. There are various other important matters on which a transatlantic authority has been instructing the youth of his generation. The oneinvolving the most serious responsibility is connected with carrying a cane or stick, as it is better form to call it.
Transatlantic etiquette.
It must be left at home when going to business, to church, or to make calls. The idea of the latter prohibition is that, if a call is made on a lady cane in hand, the inference would be that the caller is on sufficiently intimate terms to look in on her casually at any time. There is certainly subtlety in this view. It is well that the novice should be made aware that the lowest depth of vulgarity is touched by carrying an umbrella in a case. It is also an important item of information that the gloves and cane must be carried in the same hand. To do otherwise is seriously to err in social forms. Our instructor declares that to attend oratorios and philharmonic concerts is thoroughly bad form, indicating a tendency to be pedantic. It is much better to go to a horse show. It is by no means considered correct to shake hands. The proper way is to take hold of the fingers of one’s acquaintance at the second joints, and bestow upon them one or two decisive little jerks, as though testing their strength. “No, I thank you,” is a form of words no longer heard in good society, having some time since been replaced by “No, thanks.” No man with any claim to social position would consent to pronounce the “g” at the end of thepresent participle of verbs. “Comin’ and goin’”are the correct forms just now. “Don’t you know” is ridiculously correct. Men of perception do not care to be more accurate than others of their set. “Don’t-chi-know” is more customary, and the pronunciation marks the man as riding on the topmost crest of the social wave. There must be a staccato sound about the phrase, which alternates pleasantly with the languid drawl. The latter is still in favour, and accompanies admirably the studied lack of animation in the expression and general wooden look of the face.
To revert for a moment to the cane, or walking-stick.
The stick.
There is much to be deduced from the manner in which it is carried. The correct style is to hold it at an angle of forty-five degrees, with the ferule uppermost and forward. This is the sort of thing that no man could possibly discover for himself. The natural man would incline to carry his stick in such fashion as would tend to direct its point to the ground. This unsophisticated mode would at once reveal him as uninitiated in the minor morals of good manners. The latest mode of arranging the male hair, as practised in New York, and possibly nearer home as well, is worth noting.
The hair.
First it is made thoroughly wet, then brushed and parted, after which the head is swathed with linen bands,which are kept on until the hair is thoroughly dry. This method produces the plastered appearance which is now recognised as good form. Though cordiality of manner is rapidly becoming obsolete, and is utterly condemned by all who have studied the subject, yet it is a recognised fact that amiability has now superseded sarcasm, and the up-to-date young man practises a careless superficial benevolence of pronouncing every woman charming and every man a good fellow.
Amiability.
The scathing, satiric wit of the last century was as the nadir to this zenith of appreciative recognition of the best that is in every human being.
It is pleasant to be able to add to all this minute detail about little superficialities that the young man of to-day is a vast improvement on his predecessors in very many ways. Swearing is out of fashion. Getting intoxicated is decidedly “low,” and those who disgrace themselves in this way are soon cut by their acquaintance. Some twenty years since things were very different.
The rowdyism of twenty years ago.
To get tipsy was regarded as a proof of manliness. To wrench off door-knockers and play similar senseless pranks was considered a form of wit, and the heroes of such performances were looked on with admiring eyes by their companions.
In many ways a higher standard nowreigns.
A higher moral standard now reigns.
The pictures of ballet dancers that used once to adorn a young man’s rooms have given place to others of a higher class. Dissolute and unprincipled men get the cold shoulder from others of their set, and vice, thank Heaven, is thoroughly out of fashion. There is still plenty of folly. It is inseparable from youth. But in matters of more moment there has been immense improvement going steadily on for many years.
There are young men who mistake arrogance of manners for self-possession, and who conduct themselves, when in society with lifted chin and a haughty air that may accord very well with their own estimate of themselves, but seem rather out of place to onlookers. Such a man invites comparisons between his social deserts and his implied conviction of superiority.
Arrogance of manners.
He may take in a few inexperienced girls and young fellows of adolescent inability of judgment, but even these triumphs are short-lived, and he is set down as a “pompous ass,” to use the young man’s phrase for describing him.
It is good manners to articulate distinctly, and bad manners to neglect to do so.
Distinct articulation.
A man need not exactly take lessons in elocution (though they would not be amiss), but he can teach himself to pronounce clearly and use the
Tones of voice.
tone of voice that is best suited to the various occasions when he converses. A breathy voice is extremely disagreeable. The syllables come out enveloped in a sort of windy roar. This is owing to a wrong way of breathing, and it can easily be cured, with advantage to the health as well as the personality.
The confidential tone.
A very confidential tone is always used by some men when they speak to women. If they merely “hope your gown did not get muddy” they look into one’s eyes and murmur like any sucking dove. But if their articulation is indistinct they are quite a nuisance. One has to ask them to repeat themselves, and the nonsense they talk shows up very badly in anencore. But when they enunciate clearly their devoted murmurings sometimes “take” very well. It is not until a woman has seen three or four others besides herself approached in the same afternoon or evening with similar devout and prayer-like whispering that she begins to value this particularity at its true worth.
The word “fellow.”
With reference to the word “fellow” a subtle distinction or two must be drawn. In lowly circles a young man is called “a fellow”; young men “fellows.” So it is in good society, but with a distinct difference. It is not very easy to make this difference clear. Young men of good position refer verycommonly to others of their acquaintance as “the fellows,” but they would not use the word to describe young men generally. Women, young and old, of the lower classes speak of young men generally as “fellows,” but gentlewomen never do so. A lady never uses the expression “A girl and a fellow.” At the same time she may frequently speak of “young fellows.” I am aware that there is a want of clearness in all this, but it is a matter among many others that can only be acquired by being accustomed to the usages of good society.
The “Autocrat’s” test-word.
The Autocrat of the Breakfast-table said in one of his books that if he heard a woman pronounce the word “How,” he learned more about her in an instant than a third person could tell him in an hour. If she called it “haow,” she revealed herself as belonging to the uncultured classes.
In the same way, if a girl were to say “I met a fellow yesterday,” she would unconsciously make a similar self-revelation. A young man would make an equal mistake if he were to speak of “my sister’s fellow.” But he would be correct enough if he were to say “the fellow my sister’s engaged to.”
“Tweedledum and tweedledee.”
These littlenuancesof expression remind one of the old rhyme—
“Strange that such difference should be’Twixt tweedledum and tweedledee.”
“Strange that such difference should be’Twixt tweedledum and tweedledee.”
“Strange that such difference should be’Twixt tweedledum and tweedledee.”
Small talk alone will not suffice.
Though small talk is as indispensable in social life as pennies and halfpennies in the transactions of everyday existence, we must also have conversational gold and silver at our command if we wish to be successful. When the preliminaries of acquaintanceship are over there is no necessity to keep up the commonplaces of small talk. To do so is rather insulting to women.
“Talking down” really an insult.
To be “talked down to” is always aggravating, especially when one feels a conviction that the person who is thus affably stooping for one’s benefit belongs in reality to a lower intellectual plane than one’s own.
Yet polish alone often succeeds.
At the same time, many young men “with nothing in them” are socially successful, being possessed of those superficial qualities and that outward polish which are, for the purposes of everyday intercourse, more useful than abysmal personal depths. Was it Goethe or Schiller who said that for domestic utility a farthing candle is more useful than all the stars of heaven?
A light playfulness of fancy, combined with the gentleness that carefully avoids wounding even the smallest, is a high recommendation in society; but to be for ever laughing is wearisome in the extreme to the spectators.
I make no apology for quoting herethe following passages from “Mr. Brown’s Letters to a Young Man About Town” from aPunchof 1849. “Mr. Brown” was Thackeray, I believe.
“Mr. Brown’s” advice.
He says:—
“I beseech and implore you to make a point of being intimate with one or two families where you can see kind and well-bred English ladies. I have seen women of all nations in the world, but I never saw the equals of English women (meaning, of course, to include our cousins the MacWhirters of Glasgow and the O’Tooles of Cork); and I pray sincerely, my boy, that you may always have a woman for a friend.”
* * * *
“It is better for you to pass an evening once or twice a week in a lady’s drawing-room, even though the conversation is rather slow and you know the girl’s songs by heart, than in a club, tavern, or smoking-room, or pit of a theatre.”
* * * *
“Remember, if a house is pleasant, and you like to remain in it, that to be well with the women of the house is the great, the vital point. If it is a good house, don’t turn up your nose because you are only asked to come in the evening, while others are invited to dine. Recollect the debts of dinners whichan hospitable family has to pay; who are you that you should always be expecting to nestle under the mahogany? Agreeable acquaintances are made just as well in the drawing-room as in the dining-room. Go to tea brisk and good-humoured. Be determined to be pleased. Talk to a dowager. Take a hand at whist. If you are musical, and know a song, sing it like a man. Never sulk about dancing, but off with you. You will find your acquaintance enlarge. Mothers, pleased with your good humour, will probably ask you to Pocklington Square, to a little party. You will get on—you will form yourself a circle. You may marry a rich girl, or, at any rate, get the chance of seeing a number of the kind and the pretty.”
* * * *
“The dressing, the clean gloves, and cab-hire, are nuisances, I grant you. The idea of the party itself is a bore, but you must go. When you are at the party, it is not so stupid; there is always something pleasant for the eye and attention of an observant man.”
On arriving late at church.
I knowa young man who makes it a practice to arrive late in church every Sunday. I often wish that he did not go to my church, for he makes me cordially despise him, thus disturbing the calm and quiet of the proper frame of mind for Sundays. I conclude that he likes to be looked at, though why he should do so is not apparent. It is, in fact, not only rude, but irreverent, to be late in church for the beginning of the service. If one should be accidentally late, it is good manners to wait till the congregation rises from the kneeling posture before making one’s way to a seat. It is almost an awful thing to interrupt a prayer. But I have seen people do it with no more scruple than if they were passing in a crowded street.
On the space one may occupy.
Eighteen inches are the measurement of space allowed to each sitter in the churches. In some it may be more; in others it may be less. But I have reason to believe that this is the average. Now, if any man of extra size should find himself in a pew with other persons, he must, incommon courtesy, keep himself as well within the limits of eighteen inches as the width of his shoulders will allow. But I have occasionally seen quite slim young men sprawl far beyond the frontier lines.
Lounging.
Lounging is a habit of the day, and there are men who get themselves into marvellously corkscrew attitudes, in church as elsewhere.
Fidgety men.
Fidgety men are more so in church than anywhere else. They seem to find it impossible to keep still. Sometimes they even produce a cough wherewith to amuse themselves, though they are not troubled with it at any other time. The charm of a reposeful manner is denied to them. Reverence for the sacred place conduces to a quiet manner; but this is not always felt by those who attend public worship.
The conventional idea of church attendance.
The conventional idea seems to be that such assemblies are merely phases of social life; that it is respectable to be seen there; and that the service and the sermon are things to be worried through in deference to a prevalent idea that they form part of an institution that is generally regarded as excellent.
The true light to regard the services in.
The small minority are those who regard church services in their true light as lifting the thoughts above earthly things, and yet by no means unfittingthem for earth. Where, for instance, could a better law of good manners be found than in the Book of Books? A glance at the end of the fourth chapter of Ephesians will show a code of conduct that, if followed, would make a man a perfect member of society.
Replying to letters.
Itis impolite to leave letters unanswered for several days, especially if the writers are ladies, or, if men, superior in age or station. Notes of invitation should be replied to within twenty-four hours.
Writing materials.
Plain white cream-laid notepaper and envelopes should be used, the latter either square or wallet-shaped, but never of the oblong, narrow shape peculiar to business correspondence. The address on the notepaper should be embossed or printed in simple characters, over-ornament being in the worst taste. If the writer is entitled to use a crest, it should be produced as simply as possible, with or without the family motto, and free from the glow of varied colour in which some men and women delight. There are letters whose devices in scarlet and gold are strangely in contrast with the meagre and disappointing character of their contents. They make one think of fried sprats served up on a gold entrée dish.
The writing should be clear, neatand legible, the ink black.
The addressee’s name.
In beginning a letter with “Sir” or “Madam,” the omission of the name is remedied by inscribing it in the left-hand corner at the bottom of the note. In commercial correspondence it seems to be the rule to put the name of the addressee just above “Dear Sir” or “Madam.”
Enclosing reply envelopes.
Should it be advisable to enclose in any letter an envelope for a reply, ready addressed, it is not good form to put “Esq.” after one’s own name in addressing it.
Addressing married women.
Married women and widows are not addressed by their own Christian names, but by those of their husbands. For instance, no one versed in social forms would write “Mrs. Mary Smith,” but “Mrs. John Smith.” Widows of titled men have their Christian name put before their surname, thus, “Laura Lady Ledding,” “Maria Marchioness of Adesbury,” “Georgina Viscountess Medway,” “Mary Duchess of Blankton.” The unmarried daughters of dukes, marquises, and earls have their Christian name invariably inserted between their courtesy title and surname, as: “Lady Mary Baker.” When married they retain this form, only substituting the husband’s surname for their own, as “Lady Mary Garth.” But if theirhusband should be a peer, they merge their courtesy title in his.