REASSURING

REASSURINGREASSURING"Lor' bless yer, sir, that's all right, sir!Thatain't a fly, sir!—that'sa bit of dirt!"

"Lor' bless yer, sir, that's all right, sir!Thatain't a fly, sir!—that'sa bit of dirt!"

BREAKING THE ICEBREAKING THE ICESprightly Lady."Mr. Dormers, would you oblige me with——"Bashful Curate(who had scarcely spoken to his fair neighbour). "O, certainly. What shall I have the pleasure to offer?——"Lady."—— a remark!!"

Sprightly Lady."Mr. Dormers, would you oblige me with——"

Bashful Curate(who had scarcely spoken to his fair neighbour). "O, certainly. What shall I have the pleasure to offer?——"

Lady."—— a remark!!"

The ConnoisseurThe Connoisseur.—Host(smacking his lips). "There, my boy, what do you think of that? I thought I'd give you a treat. That's '34 port, sir!"Guest."Ah, and a very nice, sound wine, I should say! I believe it's quite as good as some I gave 37s. for the other day."

The Connoisseur.—Host(smacking his lips). "There, my boy, what do you think of that? I thought I'd give you a treat. That's '34 port, sir!"Guest."Ah, and a very nice, sound wine, I should say! I believe it's quite as good as some I gave 37s. for the other day."

A Gentle Snub,br />A Gentle Snub.—"Here, waiter—quick! Something to eat—and look sharp!" "Yessir. What'll you 'ave, sir?" "Oh—anything—I don't care. Chop or steak—whatever you like." "You must excuse me, sir; but I don't feel called upon to decide!"

A Gentle Snub.—"Here, waiter—quick! Something to eat—and look sharp!" "Yessir. What'll you 'ave, sir?" "Oh—anything—I don't care. Chop or steak—whatever you like." "You must excuse me, sir; but I don't feel called upon to decide!"

THE WAY WE LIVE NOWTHE WAY WE LIVE NOWTime—3 p.m.Scene—Club.First Gilded Youth."Had any breakfast, old chappie?"Second Gilded Youth."Yes. Had an egg beaten up at twelve."First Gilded Youth(in admiration). "Doose you did! What a constitution you must have!"

Time—3 p.m.Scene—Club.

First Gilded Youth."Had any breakfast, old chappie?"

Second Gilded Youth."Yes. Had an egg beaten up at twelve."

First Gilded Youth(in admiration). "Doose you did! What a constitution you must have!"

THE FIRST ASPARAGUS OF THE SEASONTHE FIRST ASPARAGUS OF THE SEASONFarmer(at market dinner). "Wull, gen'elmen, I dunno wot be the c'rect way o' servin' these 'ere, but I gen'elly eats just the ends of 'em myself!"[Helps himself to the tops!]

Farmer(at market dinner). "Wull, gen'elmen, I dunno wot be the c'rect way o' servin' these 'ere, but I gen'elly eats just the ends of 'em myself!"

[Helps himself to the tops!]

THE GENIAL SEASONTHE GENIAL SEASONHungry-looking Acquaintance(with eye to invitation). "So glad to see you enjoying yourself!"Fat Chap(evidently doing well). "Wrong again, old man. I'm enjoying my dinner!"

Hungry-looking Acquaintance(with eye to invitation). "So glad to see you enjoying yourself!"

Fat Chap(evidently doing well). "Wrong again, old man. I'm enjoying my dinner!"

"Entomology in Parliament Street.—Mr. Frank W.Dufrey, 55, Parliament Street, writes to theField:—'It will interest your entomological readers to hear that a fine specimen of the death's-head hawk moth (Acherontia atropos) was taken in Parliament Street on Monday evening. It flew into the dining-room at the Red Lion Tavern, and was captured by one of the waiters, who was alarmed at its size and the peculiar noise it made. Apart from its being rather rubbed, it is a very good specimen of the largest of our lepidoptera, and is now in my possession.'"

"William, where's John?What, is he gone?""Not gone away, sir.Sorry to say, sir;John ill a-bed, sir,Bad in 'is 'ed, sir.'Ad a great fright, sir.Turned 'is 'air wite, sir.Last Monday night, sir.""Struck down with fear!How? Let me hear.""'Orrible thing, sir,Came on the wing sir;Window in through, sir,Suddently flew, sir,Into this room, sir,A shape from the tomb, sir.'Twasn't a bat, sir;No, sir, not that, sir:Moth, sir, we thought, sir.But wen it was caught, sir,Huttered a shriek, sir,A scream, sir, a squeak, sir!Hinsect, you know, sir,Couldn't do so, sir.Wot should we find, sir,On its back, sir, be'ind, sir,Printed, exact, sir?—A skull, sir,—a fact, sir!John gasped for breath, sir;Thought it was Death, sir—Notice to quit, sir.John was that frit, sir,John 'ad a fit, sir—Went a'most mad, sir.John very bad, sir;Better, bimeby, sir;'Opes John won't die, sir.Doctor 'e said, sir,Moth, named death's 'ed, sir,In natteral 'istory, sir;Rare; but no mystery, sir:Honly a prize, sir,A catch in 'is heyes, sir,As a medical gent, sir,No call to repent, sir—That's 'is belief, sir.A sirloin of beef, sir,Just up—very nice, sir.Bring you a slice, sir?Potatoes and greens, sir—And any French beans, sir?"

"William, where's John?

What, is he gone?"

"Not gone away, sir.

Sorry to say, sir;

John ill a-bed, sir,

Bad in 'is 'ed, sir.

'Ad a great fright, sir.

Turned 'is 'air wite, sir.

Last Monday night, sir."

"Struck down with fear!

How? Let me hear."

"'Orrible thing, sir,

Came on the wing sir;

Window in through, sir,

Suddently flew, sir,

Into this room, sir,

A shape from the tomb, sir.

'Twasn't a bat, sir;

No, sir, not that, sir:

Moth, sir, we thought, sir.

But wen it was caught, sir,

Huttered a shriek, sir,

A scream, sir, a squeak, sir!

Hinsect, you know, sir,

Couldn't do so, sir.

Wot should we find, sir,

On its back, sir, be'ind, sir,

Printed, exact, sir?—

A skull, sir,—a fact, sir!

John gasped for breath, sir;

Thought it was Death, sir—

Notice to quit, sir.

John was that frit, sir,

John 'ad a fit, sir—

Went a'most mad, sir.

John very bad, sir;

Better, bimeby, sir;

'Opes John won't die, sir.

Doctor 'e said, sir,

Moth, named death's 'ed, sir,

In natteral 'istory, sir;

Rare; but no mystery, sir:

Honly a prize, sir,

A catch in 'is heyes, sir,

As a medical gent, sir,

No call to repent, sir—

That's 'is belief, sir.

A sirloin of beef, sir,

Just up—very nice, sir.

Bring you a slice, sir?

Potatoes and greens, sir—

And any French beans, sir?"

Mrs. GodolphinMrs. Godolphin."Shall we meet at Dunchester House to-morrow?"Mrs. Lascelles."No.Iwas there on Monday. I heard there were a few people going to-morrow."Mrs. Godolphin."Oh, yes. She has only asked quite a few people. On Monday, now, I hear there was quite a big rabble there!"

Mrs. Godolphin."Shall we meet at Dunchester House to-morrow?"

Mrs. Lascelles."No.Iwas there on Monday. I heard there were a few people going to-morrow."

Mrs. Godolphin."Oh, yes. She has only asked quite a few people. On Monday, now, I hear there was quite a big rabble there!"

Consciousness of ImportanceThe Consciousness of Importance.—Mrs. Brown."We are having some friends to dine with us on the twenty-fourth, Mr. Green, and want you to come and help to wait at table, as usual."The Family Greengrocer."On the twenty-fourth, ma'am? I'm sorry to say I'm engaged on the twenty-fourth."Mrs. Brown."Dear me! How unfortunate! We are so accustomed to you, and you know our ways."Mr. Green.."Yes, ma'am. Couldn't you write and put off your friends till the weekafter, ma'am?"

The Consciousness of Importance.—Mrs. Brown."We are having some friends to dine with us on the twenty-fourth, Mr. Green, and want you to come and help to wait at table, as usual."The Family Greengrocer."On the twenty-fourth, ma'am? I'm sorry to say I'm engaged on the twenty-fourth."Mrs. Brown."Dear me! How unfortunate! We are so accustomed to you, and you know our ways."Mr. Green.."Yes, ma'am. Couldn't you write and put off your friends till the weekafter, ma'am?"

THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAIDTHINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID"By the way, your friend O'Leary dined with me last night. What a dull dog he is!""Oh, that depends on what company he's in!"

"By the way, your friend O'Leary dined with me last night. What a dull dog he is!"

"Oh, that depends on what company he's in!"

THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAIDTHINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID"You can't go home when it's raining like this. You'd better stay and have dinner with us!""Oh, it's not quite so bad asthat!"

"You can't go home when it's raining like this. You'd better stay and have dinner with us!"

"Oh, it's not quite so bad asthat!"

FREAKS OF NATUREFREAKS OF NATUREWaiter."Now, then, look sharp! Here's that mutton chop a biling with rage at bein' kep' waitin', and a beefsteak gone away in a towering passion!"

Waiter."Now, then, look sharp! Here's that mutton chop a biling with rage at bein' kep' waitin', and a beefsteak gone away in a towering passion!"

A NEW DISHA NEW DISHSympathising Swell(waiting for some chicken). "You've got no sinecure there, Thomas!"Perspiring Footman."Very sorry, sir—just 'elped the last of it away, sir!"

Sympathising Swell(waiting for some chicken). "You've got no sinecure there, Thomas!"

Perspiring Footman."Very sorry, sir—just 'elped the last of it away, sir!"

ALARMING SYMPTOMSALARMING SYMPTOMS AFTER EATING BOILED BEEF AND GOOSEBERRY PIELittle Boy."Oh, lor, mar, I feel just exactly as if my jacket was buttoned."

Little Boy."Oh, lor, mar, I feel just exactly as if my jacket was buttoned."

BROWN AND JONESBROWN AND JONES OVER THEIR WINEJones."How would I take Cronstadt? With vigour and decision, nothing more easy. My dear Brown, look here. This table is the Baltic, very well. Now look—(Jones places certain strawberries for the forts; the city of Cronstadt on this occasion only being represented by a plate of gooseberries at the back.) Here we are. The strawberries the forts: Cronstadt the gooseberries. Now a little vigour and decision! This spoon is theDuke of Wellington, three-decker, leading the van. We go in here, firing both broadsides at once, to destroy the forts to larboard and starboard; while at the same time our guns in the bows and stern-sheets smash the other forts before and behind. Very good. We are then in front of Cronstadt—the city of Cronstadt. We shell that, sir; shell it of course! Blow up the powder-magazines; capitulation ensues; the Russian fleet is in a blaze, and, my dear Brown, that is howIwould take Cronstadt——"Brown."—— After dinner."

Jones."How would I take Cronstadt? With vigour and decision, nothing more easy. My dear Brown, look here. This table is the Baltic, very well. Now look—(Jones places certain strawberries for the forts; the city of Cronstadt on this occasion only being represented by a plate of gooseberries at the back.) Here we are. The strawberries the forts: Cronstadt the gooseberries. Now a little vigour and decision! This spoon is theDuke of Wellington, three-decker, leading the van. We go in here, firing both broadsides at once, to destroy the forts to larboard and starboard; while at the same time our guns in the bows and stern-sheets smash the other forts before and behind. Very good. We are then in front of Cronstadt—the city of Cronstadt. We shell that, sir; shell it of course! Blow up the powder-magazines; capitulation ensues; the Russian fleet is in a blaze, and, my dear Brown, that is howIwould take Cronstadt——"

Brown."—— After dinner."

HEAVYHEAVYStranger(just arrived at the City of Eastminster). "What can I have for dinner, waiter?"Waiter."Anything you please, sir!"Stranger."What are you celebrated for here?"Waiter."Well, sir, there's the cathedral——!!"

Stranger(just arrived at the City of Eastminster). "What can I have for dinner, waiter?"

Waiter."Anything you please, sir!"

Stranger."What are you celebrated for here?"

Waiter."Well, sir, there's the cathedral——!!"

HORRIBLE SUSPICIONHORRIBLE SUSPICIONOld Gentleman."Oh, waiter, why is it that a dinner off the joint is five shillings, but if you only have made dishes and soup, it's two shillings and sixpence?"Waiter."That, sir, is on account of the very high price of butcher's meat just now, sir."

Old Gentleman."Oh, waiter, why is it that a dinner off the joint is five shillings, but if you only have made dishes and soup, it's two shillings and sixpence?"

Waiter."That, sir, is on account of the very high price of butcher's meat just now, sir."

SELF-EXAMINATIONSELF-EXAMINATIONParty(slightly influenced). "Queshion ish! Am I fit to go intodrawingroom? Letsh shee!—I can shay gloriush conshyshusn!—Have seen Brish inshychusion—all that shortothing—thatledo—here gosh!"

Party(slightly influenced). "Queshion ish! Am I fit to go intodrawingroom? Letsh shee!—I can shay gloriush conshyshusn!—Have seen Brish inshychusion—all that shortothing—thatledo—here gosh!"

During the Cattle ShowDuring the Cattle Show.—Old Farmer Wuzzle(reading the bill of fare). "Dinners har lar cart! What does that mean, Polly?"Miss Wuzzle(who has been to a fashionable boarding-school to be finished, who has been taught French and how "to spank the grand pianner" and who is never at a loss). "Aller cart, father? Why, that means a small, simple dinner. If you want something heavy and first-rate, you order what they call a dinner waggon!"

During the Cattle Show.—Old Farmer Wuzzle(reading the bill of fare). "Dinners har lar cart! What does that mean, Polly?"Miss Wuzzle(who has been to a fashionable boarding-school to be finished, who has been taught French and how "to spank the grand pianner" and who is never at a loss). "Aller cart, father? Why, that means a small, simple dinner. If you want something heavy and first-rate, you order what they call a dinner waggon!"

March of Refinement"March of Refinement," 1875.—Brown(behind the age, but hungry). "Give me the bill of fare, waiter."Head Waiter."Beg pardon, sir?"Brown."The bill of fare."Head Waiter."The what, sir? O!—ah!—Yes!"—(to subordinate)—"Chawles, bring this—this—a—gen'leman—themenoo!!"

"March of Refinement," 1875.—Brown(behind the age, but hungry). "Give me the bill of fare, waiter."

Head Waiter."Beg pardon, sir?"

Brown."The bill of fare."

Head Waiter."The what, sir? O!—ah!—Yes!"—(to subordinate)—"Chawles, bring this—this—a—gen'leman—themenoo!!"

Stout Chairman"MELTING!"Stout Chairman(who feels the fire close at his back rather oppressive). "Waiter, I asked you to bring me a screen."Waiter."Master's very sorry, sir, but we ain't got no screen!"Stout Chairman."Then, for goodness' sake, tell the cook to send up the dripping-pan, and put it under me, quick!"

Stout Chairman(who feels the fire close at his back rather oppressive). "Waiter, I asked you to bring me a screen."

Waiter."Master's very sorry, sir, but we ain't got no screen!"

Stout Chairman."Then, for goodness' sake, tell the cook to send up the dripping-pan, and put it under me, quick!"

I say, waiter"I say, waiter, this salmon cutlet isn't half so good as the one I had here last week.""Can't see why, sir. It's off the same fish!"

"I say, waiter, this salmon cutlet isn't half so good as the one I had here last week."

"Can't see why, sir. It's off the same fish!"

REMEMBER THE WAITER"PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE WAITER""All right, sir! My fault!"

"All right, sir! My fault!"

(In consequence of the Growing Demand for Lighter Liquors)

Scene—The interior of a Dining-room. The ladies have just left, and the gentlemen are discussing their beverages.

Smith.I say, Brown, if it is not an impertinent question, where did you get that toast-and-water?

Brown.I thought you would be deceived! It was a cup, not the pure article! My butler is a first-rate hand at it. I will give you the recipe if you like.

Smith.Do. It was excellent. Whatisthe secret?

Brown.Something, I fancy, to do with watercress.

Jones.I say, Brown, that was really very nice sherbet. Turkish or Persian?

Brown.Neither. Came from the Stores. Home-made.

Jones.Well, it certainly was capital. I could have sworn that it had been manufactured east of the Levant.

Brown.More likely east of Temple Bar. And now shall we have a whitewash before we join the ladies?

Six Guests.No, thanks! Really not!

Half-a-dozen more of the Company.Really not! No, thanks!

Brown.Nonsense! (Produces a pint bottle of lemonade.) Nonsense, I repeat! Look here, my boys. (Locks door.) Not one of you fellows shall leave the room until you have finishedthis!

[Draws cork of pint bottle, and distributes the lemonade amidst the good-natured protestations of the revellers. Scene closes in upon the temperance orgy.

won't they let you go into long trousersA PERSONAL GRIEVANCE"I say, won't they letyougo into long trousers?"

"I say, won't they letyougo into long trousers?"

STUDIES IN ANIMAL LIFESTUDIES IN ANIMAL LIFEThe Goormong.(Epicuri de Grege Porcus. British Isles)Mr. Huggins."Whata 'eavenly dinner it was!"Mr. Buggins."B'lieve yer! Mykes yer wish yer was born 'oller!"

The Goormong.(Epicuri de Grege Porcus. British Isles)

Mr. Huggins."Whata 'eavenly dinner it was!"

Mr. Buggins."B'lieve yer! Mykes yer wish yer was born 'oller!"

The New SchoolThe New School.—Uncle(who is rather proud of his cellar). "Now George, my boy, there's a glass of champagne for you—don't get such stuff at school, eh? eh? eh?"George."H'm—awfully sweet! Very good sort for ladies—but I've arrived at a time of life, when I confess I like my winedry!" (Sensation.)

The New School.—Uncle(who is rather proud of his cellar). "Now George, my boy, there's a glass of champagne for you—don't get such stuff at school, eh? eh? eh?"

George."H'm—awfully sweet! Very good sort for ladies—but I've arrived at a time of life, when I confess I like my winedry!" (Sensation.)

Pleasant!Pleasant!—Lord Reginald Sansdenier(in answer to confidential remark of his host). "Twenty thousand pounds worth of plate on the table, Sir Gorgius? I wonder you ain't afraid of being robbed!"Sir Gorgius Midas."Robbed, my lord! Good 'evens! I'm sure yer lordship's too honnerable heven tothinkof sich a thing!"

Pleasant!—Lord Reginald Sansdenier(in answer to confidential remark of his host). "Twenty thousand pounds worth of plate on the table, Sir Gorgius? I wonder you ain't afraid of being robbed!"

Sir Gorgius Midas."Robbed, my lord! Good 'evens! I'm sure yer lordship's too honnerable heven tothinkof sich a thing!"

what do you call a pineappleFarmer."I say, John, what do you call a pineapple—a fruit or a vegetable?"Waiter."A pineapple hain't neither, gentlemen. A pineapple is always a hextra!"

Farmer."I say, John, what do you call a pineapple—a fruit or a vegetable?"

Waiter."A pineapple hain't neither, gentlemen. A pineapple is always a hextra!"

(Extract from an Earl's Courtier's Notebook)

6P.M.—Come down early, to get a table. Can't. All the tables booked a week in advance. Very angry. Manager says he'll see what can be done for me—later on. Fairly satisfied. He had better!

7P.M.—In state of heat. Have a fair appetite. Ask for table. "What table?" "The one promised me—later on." "Very sorry, but they are all engaged." Awfully angry. Explain that I am a person of some importance. Can do the place a great deal of good if I do have a table, andvice versâ. Manager desolated. See everybody else stuffing, drinking, and enjoying themselves. How they can have the heart! AndItable-less! But, no matter, a time will come. I'll write to "the leading journal" and denounce everything and everybody.

7.15P.M.—Explosively wrathful. At last! Ha! ha! Got a table. But at the back somewhere.Strong smell of cooking. Distant echo of a band. Exceedingly annoyed. Have tastedhors d'œuvres. Sardines decent.

7.20P.M.—Bonne Femmesoup good. Have ordered champagne cup. Still annoyed.

7.30P.M.—Salmon mayonnaise distinctly excellent. Good idea to have cold dinner. Champagne cup well brewed. Don't notice the smell of cooking. Can hear the band. Nice band.

7.40P.M.—Pâté de fois gras en aspic.Capital Cold joint. First-rate. Salad artistically mixed. Second champagne cup as good as first. After all, place of table not so bad.

Piano player

A True ArtistA True Artist.—Mamma(to Tommy, who has been allowed for a few minutes to wait at table). "Now, Tommy, kiss me, and go to bed."Tommy(to footman). "Doyouever kiss the missus, Charles?"Footman."No, sir!"Tommy."ThenIwon't!"

A True Artist.—Mamma(to Tommy, who has been allowed for a few minutes to wait at table). "Now, Tommy, kiss me, and go to bed."

Tommy(to footman). "Doyouever kiss the missus, Charles?"

Footman."No, sir!"

Tommy."ThenIwon't!"

Come, Damon, since again we've metWe'll feast right royally to-night,The groaning table shall be setWith every seasonable delight!The luscious bivalve ... I forgot,The oyster is an arch-deceiver,And makes its eater's certain lotA bad attack of typhoid fever.With soup, then, be it thick or clear,The banquet fitly may commence—Alas, on second thoughts, I fearWith soup as well we must dispense.The doctors urge that, in effect,Soup simply kills the thoughtless glutton.It's full of germs. I recollectThey say the same of beef and mutton.Yes, each variety of meat,As you remark, is much the same,And we're forbidden now to eatFish, oysters, poultry, joint or game.But though a Nemesis each brings,The punishment, the doctors tell, isAs nothing to the awful thingsAwaiting all who toy with jellies."Cheese—that is not condemned with theseYet ample evidence we findTo make us, Damon, look on cheeseAs simply poison to mankind;While those who may desire to passImmediately o'er Charon's ferry,Have but to take a daily glassOf claret, hock, champagne or sherry.And therefore, Damon, you and I,Who fain would live a year at least,Reluctantly must modifyThe scope of our projected feast;A charcoal biscuit we will share,Water (distilled, of course,) we'll swallow,Since this appears the only fareOn which destruction will not follow!

Come, Damon, since again we've met

We'll feast right royally to-night,

The groaning table shall be set

With every seasonable delight!

The luscious bivalve ... I forgot,

The oyster is an arch-deceiver,

And makes its eater's certain lot

A bad attack of typhoid fever.

With soup, then, be it thick or clear,The banquet fitly may commence—Alas, on second thoughts, I fearWith soup as well we must dispense.The doctors urge that, in effect,Soup simply kills the thoughtless glutton.It's full of germs. I recollectThey say the same of beef and mutton.

With soup, then, be it thick or clear,

The banquet fitly may commence—

Alas, on second thoughts, I fear

With soup as well we must dispense.

The doctors urge that, in effect,

Soup simply kills the thoughtless glutton.

It's full of germs. I recollect

They say the same of beef and mutton.

Yes, each variety of meat,As you remark, is much the same,And we're forbidden now to eatFish, oysters, poultry, joint or game.But though a Nemesis each brings,The punishment, the doctors tell, isAs nothing to the awful thingsAwaiting all who toy with jellies.

Yes, each variety of meat,

As you remark, is much the same,

And we're forbidden now to eat

Fish, oysters, poultry, joint or game.

But though a Nemesis each brings,

The punishment, the doctors tell, is

As nothing to the awful things

Awaiting all who toy with jellies.

"Cheese—that is not condemned with theseYet ample evidence we findTo make us, Damon, look on cheeseAs simply poison to mankind;While those who may desire to passImmediately o'er Charon's ferry,Have but to take a daily glassOf claret, hock, champagne or sherry.

"Cheese—that is not condemned with these

Yet ample evidence we find

To make us, Damon, look on cheese

As simply poison to mankind;

While those who may desire to pass

Immediately o'er Charon's ferry,

Have but to take a daily glass

Of claret, hock, champagne or sherry.

And therefore, Damon, you and I,Who fain would live a year at least,Reluctantly must modifyThe scope of our projected feast;A charcoal biscuit we will share,Water (distilled, of course,) we'll swallow,Since this appears the only fareOn which destruction will not follow!

And therefore, Damon, you and I,

Who fain would live a year at least,

Reluctantly must modify

The scope of our projected feast;

A charcoal biscuit we will share,

Water (distilled, of course,) we'll swallow,

Since this appears the only fare

On which destruction will not follow!

Mr. Punch with dog

SMALL SOCIAL AGONIESSMALL SOCIAL AGONIESHostess."It's but a poor lunch I can give you! But my cook has got influenza!"Enfant terrible."Oh, mummy, youalwayssay that!"

Hostess."It's but a poor lunch I can give you! But my cook has got influenza!"

Enfant terrible."Oh, mummy, youalwayssay that!"

Quite A NoveltyQuite A Novelty.—Amiable Experimentalist."Makes a delicious side dish, doesn't it? But it is not the common mushroom; it's a large fungus, called the agaricus procerus. It grows solitary in hedge rows, is called colubrinus, from the snake-like markings on its stem. The pileus is covered with scales, which are formed by the breaking-up of the mud-coloured epidermis, and——" [General panic takes place

Quite A Novelty.—Amiable Experimentalist."Makes a delicious side dish, doesn't it? But it is not the common mushroom; it's a large fungus, called the agaricus procerus. It grows solitary in hedge rows, is called colubrinus, from the snake-like markings on its stem. The pileus is covered with scales, which are formed by the breaking-up of the mud-coloured epidermis, and——" [General panic takes place

A Restore-Wrong Rhyme

"Attendance is charged in the bill!Delighted we sit down to dine;And order our food and our wine.The waiter is passing polite,We eat with a grand appetiteOf dishes compounded with skill.The room is so cosy and light;The glass and the silver are bright;Our flag of defiance is furled,We seem all at peace with the world,And rest quite contented until——Attendance is charged one and nine.We pay its collector a fine;And give to the waiter politeA tip he regards as his rightAnd duty of ours to fulfil!The carver, too, looks for a fee;The man with our coat, so does he!The porter expects something more,Who calls us a cab at the door!——"Attendance is charged in the bill!"

"Attendance is charged in the bill!

Delighted we sit down to dine;

And order our food and our wine.

The waiter is passing polite,

We eat with a grand appetite

Of dishes compounded with skill.

The room is so cosy and light;

The glass and the silver are bright;

Our flag of defiance is furled,

We seem all at peace with the world,

And rest quite contented until——

Attendance is charged one and nine.

We pay its collector a fine;

And give to the waiter polite

A tip he regards as his right

And duty of ours to fulfil!

The carver, too, looks for a fee;

The man with our coat, so does he!

The porter expects something more,

Who calls us a cab at the door!——

"Attendance is charged in the bill!"

leaf symbol

The Golden KeyThe Golden Key.—Mr. Montgomerie."Ah! my dear boys, you're right. The extent to which our English system of 'tipping' has grown is something monstrous! Why, I can assure you—that—at some of the big country houses I stop at, it costs me a ten-pound noteto get out of 'em!"Jones(to his neighbour, sotto voce). "Wonder how much it costs him toget into'em?"

The Golden Key.—Mr. Montgomerie."Ah! my dear boys, you're right. The extent to which our English system of 'tipping' has grown is something monstrous! Why, I can assure you—that—at some of the big country houses I stop at, it costs me a ten-pound noteto get out of 'em!"

Jones(to his neighbour, sotto voce). "Wonder how much it costs him toget into'em?"

The man who smokes half his cigar, and puts the remainder by, knows nothing about smoking.

The man who carries no cigar-case has no right to levy contributions on those who do.

Never buy a cigar at a chemist's, they are sure to remind you of their origin. I once knew a chemist, who also sold wine and cigars, and I am sure he could only have had one workshop for his three businesses, and that was his laboratory.

Mistrust the tobacco that is given in half-payment of a bill. Such dealers may be clever in drawing a bill, but it is rarely that their cigars are distinguished for being good "drawers."

The man who smokes with wine is quite capable of taking sugar with oysters.

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Annals of a Retired SuburbAnnals of a Retired Suburb.—The Montgomery Joneses celebrated their wedding-day by giving a dinner on an unusually magnificent scale to some of their London friends. Unfortunately, an unexpected change in the weather during the afternoon has made the road up the hill rather heavy, so that the London friends omit to turn up.

Annals of a Retired Suburb.—The Montgomery Joneses celebrated their wedding-day by giving a dinner on an unusually magnificent scale to some of their London friends. Unfortunately, an unexpected change in the weather during the afternoon has made the road up the hill rather heavy, so that the London friends omit to turn up.

Set a thief to catch a thief:Think of this when eating beef.All that glitters is not gold:Think of this when that beef's cold.Harm is done by too much zeal:Think of this when eating veal.Life's a jest, and all things show it:Think of this when drinking Moet.Happiness flies Court for garret:Think of this when drinking claret.Gold may oft be bought too dear:Think of this when drinking beer.Many littles make a mickle:Think of this when eating pickle.Silent fools may pass for wise:Think of this when eating rice.Unto Rome conduct all roads:Think of this when eating toads.Flog first fault:principiis obsta,Think of this when eating lobster.While grass grows the horse may starve:Think of this when asked to carve.Shake the tree when fruit is ripe:Think of this when eating tripe.Fools build houses, wise men buy:Think of this when eating pie.Pause, ere leaping in the dark:Think of this when eating lark.Punctual pay gets willing loan:Think ofthiswhen drinking Beaune.Wisdom asks fruits, but Folly flowers:Think o'thiswhen eating cauliflowers.Birds of a feather flock together:Think of this when the idiot of acook has boiled the oysters in the sauce,and made them as tough as leather.

Set a thief to catch a thief:Think of this when eating beef.

Set a thief to catch a thief:

Think of this when eating beef.

All that glitters is not gold:Think of this when that beef's cold.

All that glitters is not gold:

Think of this when that beef's cold.

Harm is done by too much zeal:Think of this when eating veal.

Harm is done by too much zeal:

Think of this when eating veal.

Life's a jest, and all things show it:Think of this when drinking Moet.

Life's a jest, and all things show it:

Think of this when drinking Moet.

Happiness flies Court for garret:Think of this when drinking claret.

Happiness flies Court for garret:

Think of this when drinking claret.

Gold may oft be bought too dear:Think of this when drinking beer.

Gold may oft be bought too dear:

Think of this when drinking beer.

Many littles make a mickle:Think of this when eating pickle.

Many littles make a mickle:

Think of this when eating pickle.

Silent fools may pass for wise:Think of this when eating rice.

Silent fools may pass for wise:

Think of this when eating rice.

Unto Rome conduct all roads:Think of this when eating toads.

Unto Rome conduct all roads:

Think of this when eating toads.

Flog first fault:principiis obsta,Think of this when eating lobster.

Flog first fault:principiis obsta,

Think of this when eating lobster.

While grass grows the horse may starve:Think of this when asked to carve.

While grass grows the horse may starve:

Think of this when asked to carve.

Shake the tree when fruit is ripe:Think of this when eating tripe.

Shake the tree when fruit is ripe:

Think of this when eating tripe.

Fools build houses, wise men buy:Think of this when eating pie.

Fools build houses, wise men buy:

Think of this when eating pie.

Pause, ere leaping in the dark:Think of this when eating lark.

Pause, ere leaping in the dark:

Think of this when eating lark.

Punctual pay gets willing loan:Think ofthiswhen drinking Beaune.

Punctual pay gets willing loan:

Think ofthiswhen drinking Beaune.

Wisdom asks fruits, but Folly flowers:Think o'thiswhen eating cauliflowers.

Wisdom asks fruits, but Folly flowers:

Think o'thiswhen eating cauliflowers.

Birds of a feather flock together:Think of this when the idiot of acook has boiled the oysters in the sauce,and made them as tough as leather.

Birds of a feather flock together:

Think of this when the idiot of a

cook has boiled the oysters in the sauce,

and made them as tough as leather.

Mr Punch painting

THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAIDTHINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAIDHostess."What fun you seem to be having over there, Captain Smiley! I wish you all sat at this end of the table!"

Hostess."What fun you seem to be having over there, Captain Smiley! I wish you all sat at this end of the table!"

Say whenWaiter(who has "seen better days"—absently, as he pours out the champagne). "Say when!"

Waiter(who has "seen better days"—absently, as he pours out the champagne). "Say when!"

"In Spring when woods are getting green,"My wife begins the house to clean,And I am driven from this scene,Of scrub-land.The mops and pails left on the stairsI come across, quite unawares,And break my shins and utter—prayers,For tub-land.In clouds of dust I choke and cough,Such draughts! My hat I dare not doff,I'd go (if I were not a toff)To pub-land.But—mum—I won't kick up a shineNor of delight give any sign,But, quietly, I'm off to dineIn Club-land.

"In Spring when woods are getting green,"My wife begins the house to clean,And I am driven from this scene,Of scrub-land.

"In Spring when woods are getting green,"

My wife begins the house to clean,

And I am driven from this scene,

Of scrub-land.

The mops and pails left on the stairsI come across, quite unawares,And break my shins and utter—prayers,For tub-land.

The mops and pails left on the stairs

I come across, quite unawares,

And break my shins and utter—prayers,

For tub-land.

In clouds of dust I choke and cough,Such draughts! My hat I dare not doff,I'd go (if I were not a toff)To pub-land.

In clouds of dust I choke and cough,

Such draughts! My hat I dare not doff,

I'd go (if I were not a toff)

To pub-land.

But—mum—I won't kick up a shineNor of delight give any sign,But, quietly, I'm off to dineIn Club-land.

But—mum—I won't kick up a shine

Nor of delight give any sign,

But, quietly, I'm off to dine

In Club-land.

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A Soaker's Paradise.—Dropmore.

A Monster Meeting.—A giant and a dwarf.

Poetical Licence.—A music-hall's.

Turf Reform.—Mowing the lawn.

somebody pass the saltQuiet Man(as a particularly "steep" story of adventure comes to a close). "Er—will somebody pass thesalt, please?"

Quiet Man(as a particularly "steep" story of adventure comes to a close). "Er—will somebody pass thesalt, please?"

Adolphus grandlyAdolphus(grandly; he is giving his future brother-in-law a little dinner down the river). "Waitar—you can—ah—leave us!"Old Waiter."Hem!—yessir—but—you'll pard'n me, sir—we've so many gents—'don't wish to impute nothink, sir—but master—'fact is, sir—(evidently feels a delicacy about mentioning it)—we're—you see, sir—'sponsible for the plate, sir!!!"

Adolphus(grandly; he is giving his future brother-in-law a little dinner down the river). "Waitar—you can—ah—leave us!"

Old Waiter."Hem!—yessir—but—you'll pard'n me, sir—we've so many gents—'don't wish to impute nothink, sir—but master—'fact is, sir—(evidently feels a delicacy about mentioning it)—we're—you see, sir—'sponsible for the plate, sir!!!"

GRAND BURNS' FESTIVALGRAND BURNS' FESTIVAL—BROWN ENTERTAINS HIS FRIEND WI' A HAGGIS!

Abolish party? Whose delight were greaterThan mine? I hail the chance with rapture hearty.But oh! Ican'tagree with theSpectator,Who'd do away with—gods!—the dinner party!No, let us compromise,—we'll all be winners,—And firmly banish party from our dinners!

Abolish party? Whose delight were greater

Than mine? I hail the chance with rapture hearty.

But oh! Ican'tagree with theSpectator,

Who'd do away with—gods!—the dinner party!

No, let us compromise,—we'll all be winners,—

And firmly banish party from our dinners!

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(Scene—In front of Mrs. R.'s house)

Mrs. Ramsbotham(paying Cabman). You look all right to-day.

Cabman.Ah, mum! my looks don't pity me. I suffer from a tarpaulin liver.

Mrs. R.(correcting). A torpedo liver, you mean.

[Cabman accepts the correction, and an extra shilling]

cartoon

Happy ThoughtHappy Thought.—Sir Pompey Bedell(poking the fire in his new smoking-room). "This wretched chimney has got into a most objectionable way of smoking. A—I can't cure it."Bedell Junior."Just give it a couple of your cigars, governor!—it'll never smoke again!"

Happy Thought.—Sir Pompey Bedell(poking the fire in his new smoking-room). "This wretched chimney has got into a most objectionable way of smoking. A—I can't cure it."Bedell Junior."Just give it a couple of your cigars, governor!—it'll never smoke again!"

CRAMMING"CRAMMING"Affectionate Uncle."Glad to see you, Rupert. Now tell me all about it. What form are you in, old boy?"Nephew(just returned from Harrow). "Well, uncle, not so bad, I think. I can generally manage a couple of eggs, two sausages, or kidneys, some Dundee marmalade, and two cups of coffee for breakfast. I always have a little luncheon, any amount of roast beef or mutton for dinner, and I generally look in at the confectioner's in the afternoon, and invariably wind up with a good supper. What do you think of that?"[Disappointed and misunderstood uncle subsides, and thinks it best to make no comments.

Affectionate Uncle."Glad to see you, Rupert. Now tell me all about it. What form are you in, old boy?"

Nephew(just returned from Harrow). "Well, uncle, not so bad, I think. I can generally manage a couple of eggs, two sausages, or kidneys, some Dundee marmalade, and two cups of coffee for breakfast. I always have a little luncheon, any amount of roast beef or mutton for dinner, and I generally look in at the confectioner's in the afternoon, and invariably wind up with a good supper. What do you think of that?"

[Disappointed and misunderstood uncle subsides, and thinks it best to make no comments.

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