I love you in an all-absorbing, fond, unselfish way,I dream of you the long night thro', I think of you each day,Whene'er I hear your voice, my dear, a spell o'er me is cast,The rapture of your presence is (I'm certain) bound to last.On you I'll pour the loving store and treasures of my heart,With riches of an earthly kind I am more loth to part,I'll sing your praise in loving ways, for are you not my queen?You'll find the verses published in our local magazine.So deep is my affection I would joyfully propose,But for one great objection, which now I will disclose,Intense is your suspense, so I'll endeavour to be short,The fact is, thata husband you're not able to support.
I love you in an all-absorbing, fond, unselfish way,I dream of you the long night thro', I think of you each day,Whene'er I hear your voice, my dear, a spell o'er me is cast,The rapture of your presence is (I'm certain) bound to last.
I love you in an all-absorbing, fond, unselfish way,
I dream of you the long night thro', I think of you each day,
Whene'er I hear your voice, my dear, a spell o'er me is cast,
The rapture of your presence is (I'm certain) bound to last.
On you I'll pour the loving store and treasures of my heart,With riches of an earthly kind I am more loth to part,I'll sing your praise in loving ways, for are you not my queen?You'll find the verses published in our local magazine.
On you I'll pour the loving store and treasures of my heart,
With riches of an earthly kind I am more loth to part,
I'll sing your praise in loving ways, for are you not my queen?
You'll find the verses published in our local magazine.
So deep is my affection I would joyfully propose,But for one great objection, which now I will disclose,Intense is your suspense, so I'll endeavour to be short,The fact is, thata husband you're not able to support.
So deep is my affection I would joyfully propose,
But for one great objection, which now I will disclose,
Intense is your suspense, so I'll endeavour to be short,
The fact is, thata husband you're not able to support.
New Dish for a Wedding Breakfast.—Curried favour.
The Best Cure for the Heartburn.—Marriage.
Two women talking.Young Bride."Do you let your husband have a latchkey, Mrs. Jones?"Mrs. Jones."No, my dear; it would be useless. I give it to the milkman!"
Young Bride."Do you let your husband have a latchkey, Mrs. Jones?"
Mrs. Jones."No, my dear; it would be useless. I give it to the milkman!"
Man and woman in bed.PROGNOSTICATIONWhen Mrs. Tubbles awoke (she sleeps very soundly), the morning after that farmers' dinner, she found John by her side with his boots on and the umbrella open! His explanation was that, besides being very tired, he perhaps "fansh'd there wash 'shtorm comin' on!"[It came!
PROGNOSTICATION
When Mrs. Tubbles awoke (she sleeps very soundly), the morning after that farmers' dinner, she found John by her side with his boots on and the umbrella open! His explanation was that, besides being very tired, he perhaps "fansh'd there wash 'shtorm comin' on!"
[It came!
Air—"I once had a sweet little Doll, dears." (Kingsley's words, set by A. Cecil.)
I once saw a sweet pretty face, boys:Its beauty and grace were divine.And I felt what a swell I should be, boys,Could I boast that such charms were all mine!I wooed. Every man I cut out, boys,At my head deep anathemas hurled:—But I said as I walked back from church, boys,"I'm the luckiest dog in the world!"As doves in a cot we began, boys,A cosy and orthodox pair:Till I found at my notable wife, boys,The world was beginning to stare.She liked it. At first, so did I, boys,But, at length, when all over the placeShe was sketched, hunted, photo'd and mobbed, boys,I cried, "Hang her sweet pretty face!"Still, we went here and there,—right and left, boys;—We were asked dozens deep,—I say "we,"Though wherever I went not a soul, boys,Could have pointed out Adam from me.But we had a rare social success, boys,Got mixed with the noble and great,Till one's friends, who say kind and nice things, boys,Talked of me as "the man come to wait!"So, I've no more a sweet pretty wife, boys;—For the one that I once hoped to own,Belongs, as I've found to my cost, boys,To the great British public alone.So until they've got tired of her face, boys,And a rival, more touzled or curled,Drives her home to her own proper place, boys—I'm the dullest dull dog in the world!
I once saw a sweet pretty face, boys:Its beauty and grace were divine.And I felt what a swell I should be, boys,Could I boast that such charms were all mine!I wooed. Every man I cut out, boys,At my head deep anathemas hurled:—But I said as I walked back from church, boys,"I'm the luckiest dog in the world!"
I once saw a sweet pretty face, boys:
Its beauty and grace were divine.
And I felt what a swell I should be, boys,
Could I boast that such charms were all mine!
I wooed. Every man I cut out, boys,
At my head deep anathemas hurled:—
But I said as I walked back from church, boys,
"I'm the luckiest dog in the world!"
As doves in a cot we began, boys,A cosy and orthodox pair:Till I found at my notable wife, boys,The world was beginning to stare.She liked it. At first, so did I, boys,But, at length, when all over the placeShe was sketched, hunted, photo'd and mobbed, boys,I cried, "Hang her sweet pretty face!"
As doves in a cot we began, boys,
A cosy and orthodox pair:
Till I found at my notable wife, boys,
The world was beginning to stare.
She liked it. At first, so did I, boys,
But, at length, when all over the place
She was sketched, hunted, photo'd and mobbed, boys,
I cried, "Hang her sweet pretty face!"
Still, we went here and there,—right and left, boys;—We were asked dozens deep,—I say "we,"Though wherever I went not a soul, boys,Could have pointed out Adam from me.But we had a rare social success, boys,Got mixed with the noble and great,Till one's friends, who say kind and nice things, boys,Talked of me as "the man come to wait!"
Still, we went here and there,—right and left, boys;—
We were asked dozens deep,—I say "we,"
Though wherever I went not a soul, boys,
Could have pointed out Adam from me.
But we had a rare social success, boys,
Got mixed with the noble and great,
Till one's friends, who say kind and nice things, boys,
Talked of me as "the man come to wait!"
So, I've no more a sweet pretty wife, boys;—For the one that I once hoped to own,Belongs, as I've found to my cost, boys,To the great British public alone.So until they've got tired of her face, boys,And a rival, more touzled or curled,Drives her home to her own proper place, boys—I'm the dullest dull dog in the world!
So, I've no more a sweet pretty wife, boys;—
For the one that I once hoped to own,
Belongs, as I've found to my cost, boys,
To the great British public alone.
So until they've got tired of her face, boys,
And a rival, more touzled or curled,
Drives her home to her own proper place, boys—
I'm the dullest dull dog in the world!
A sure Aid to Matrimony.—Propingpongquity.
From "Punch's Synonyms."—The Limited Male: a husband.
A Very-much Married Man.—The "hub" of the universe.
Man and woman talking.Miss Giddie."It's awfully sweet of you, Mr. Cunius—(coquettish pause)—Impey, to ask me to marry you. Of course, I know you love me; but I hope that people won't say that you married me for my money!"Mr. Impey Cunius (in a state of utter collapse after an elaborately forced proposal)."My dear, Miss Giddie—er—Flossie, I assure you thatIshall never mention it!"
Miss Giddie."It's awfully sweet of you, Mr. Cunius—(coquettish pause)—Impey, to ask me to marry you. Of course, I know you love me; but I hope that people won't say that you married me for my money!"
Mr. Impey Cunius (in a state of utter collapse after an elaborately forced proposal)."My dear, Miss Giddie—er—Flossie, I assure you thatIshall never mention it!"
Woman talking to child."FOR THE THIRD TIME OF ASKING"Aunt Mary."You heard the vicar publish the banns between Uncle George and Ellen Thompson?"Ethel (who has never been present at this ceremony before)."Yes—it seems rather a shame to tell everybody how often he'd been refused, though!"
"FOR THE THIRD TIME OF ASKING"
Aunt Mary."You heard the vicar publish the banns between Uncle George and Ellen Thompson?"
Ethel (who has never been present at this ceremony before)."Yes—it seems rather a shame to tell everybody how often he'd been refused, though!"
(As they appear from certain Answers to Correspondents)
Vanitas.—You are not bound to tell him. If the bright golden colour of your naturally dark hair is due to the excellent preparation recommended in another column, and he tells you he does not admire dark girls, why not keep on? The bottles are really quite cheap at nineteen and eleven. Of course, if it weighs upon your conscience, you might give him a hint, but he will probably talk about deceit, and behave in the brutally outspoken male manner so many readers complain of.
Amelia.—Have you not been rather indiscreet? You should never let him see you cry before you are married. Afterwards it has its uses.
Blanche Amory.—Cheer up. As you very cleverly put it, history does repeat itself. You are now once more in a position to undertake a further instalment ofMes Larmes. No. Weare overstocked with poetry. The man, of course, is beneath contempt.
Two Strings.—Yourfiancémust be a perfectOthello. It is, as you justly remark, monstrous that he should object to your cousin seven times removed taking you to the theatre once or twice a week. Of course he is a relative.
Sweet-and-Twenty.—Your remarks about tastes in common are perfectly correct. So long as you both collect postcards you will always be able to give pleasure to each other at a distance.
Business Girl.—If you have found out that he only gave twenty-five pounds for your engagement ring, it may be, as you shrewdly observe, that he has a contract with the tradesman for a periodical supply of such articles. The fact that his income is under a hundred a year makes it only the more probable that he would adopt such an arrangement for economy's sake. Be very careful.
Pitti-Sing.—Your only course is to box his ears. Let us know how you get on.
Bellona.—Sorry to disappoint you, but this is not the place to describe the undress uniform of the Grenadier Guards.
Father talking to daughter.H'M!Stern Father."What an unearthly hour that young fellow stops till every night, Doris. What does your mother say about it?"Daughter."She says men haven't altered a bit, pa."
H'M!
Stern Father."What an unearthly hour that young fellow stops till every night, Doris. What does your mother say about it?"
Daughter."She says men haven't altered a bit, pa."
Couple and tradesmen on building site.THE BABES IN THE WOODErnest."I see you are getting on, foreman."Foreman."Yes, sir; we shall have the walls plastered to-morrow."Agatha."Oh, Ernest, don't let's have plaster! You never see it now; everybody has wall-papers, and you can get lovely ones quite cheap!"
THE BABES IN THE WOOD
Ernest."I see you are getting on, foreman."
Foreman."Yes, sir; we shall have the walls plastered to-morrow."
Agatha."Oh, Ernest, don't let's have plaster! You never see it now; everybody has wall-papers, and you can get lovely ones quite cheap!"
Next door the summer roses bloomAnd breathe their hearts out day by dayTo please a gentle gardener whom'Twere happiness to thus obey:For her each rose a fragrance givesThat roses grudge to common labour,And there, next door, among them livesMy neighbour.I watch her in her garden fair,And think what joy my life would blessCould she and I but wander there,A shepherd and a shepherdess,As blithe as those of ancient mythThat danced and sang to pipe and tabor:Who would not thus be happy withMy neighbour?Blue eyes, and hair of sunny brown,A form of such exceeding grace,And features in whose smile and frownSuch tender beauty I can traceThat here to sketch her free from flawDefies the pencil of a Faber,And yet I yearn so much to drawMy neighbour!I'm keeping one commandment—anEpitome of all the ten—So if I, when my life began,Was born in sin like other men,To innocence that shames the dove,I've mellowed since I was a babe, orHow could I so devoutly loveMy neighbour?
Next door the summer roses bloomAnd breathe their hearts out day by dayTo please a gentle gardener whom'Twere happiness to thus obey:For her each rose a fragrance givesThat roses grudge to common labour,And there, next door, among them livesMy neighbour.
Next door the summer roses bloom
And breathe their hearts out day by day
To please a gentle gardener whom
'Twere happiness to thus obey:
For her each rose a fragrance gives
That roses grudge to common labour,
And there, next door, among them lives
My neighbour.
I watch her in her garden fair,And think what joy my life would blessCould she and I but wander there,A shepherd and a shepherdess,As blithe as those of ancient mythThat danced and sang to pipe and tabor:Who would not thus be happy withMy neighbour?
I watch her in her garden fair,
And think what joy my life would bless
Could she and I but wander there,
A shepherd and a shepherdess,
As blithe as those of ancient myth
That danced and sang to pipe and tabor:
Who would not thus be happy with
My neighbour?
Blue eyes, and hair of sunny brown,A form of such exceeding grace,And features in whose smile and frownSuch tender beauty I can traceThat here to sketch her free from flawDefies the pencil of a Faber,And yet I yearn so much to drawMy neighbour!
Blue eyes, and hair of sunny brown,
A form of such exceeding grace,
And features in whose smile and frown
Such tender beauty I can trace
That here to sketch her free from flaw
Defies the pencil of a Faber,
And yet I yearn so much to draw
My neighbour!
I'm keeping one commandment—anEpitome of all the ten—So if I, when my life began,Was born in sin like other men,To innocence that shames the dove,I've mellowed since I was a babe, orHow could I so devoutly loveMy neighbour?
I'm keeping one commandment—an
Epitome of all the ten—
So if I, when my life began,
Was born in sin like other men,
To innocence that shames the dove,
I've mellowed since I was a babe, or
How could I so devoutly love
My neighbour?
Two women talking.First Young Wife."Do you find it more economical, dear, to do your own cooking?"Second Young Wife."Oh, certainly. My husband doesn't eat half so much as he did!"
First Young Wife."Do you find it more economical, dear, to do your own cooking?"
Second Young Wife."Oh, certainly. My husband doesn't eat half so much as he did!"
The Snub Connubial.—Loving Wife."Charles, dear, I wish you would put down that horrid novel and talk to me; I feel so dull; and—oh, Charles! my foot's asleep——"Charles."Hush—sh! my dear, you might wake it!"
The Oldest and the Shortest Drama in the World.—He."Will you?"She."Oh! I do not know!" (Which "know" meant that she said "yes.")
(After Charles Kingsley—at a respectful distance)
Dress well, sweet maid, and let who will beclever.Dance, flirt, and sing!Don't study all day long.Or else you'll find,When other girls get married,You'll sing a different song!
Dress well, sweet maid, and let who will beclever.Dance, flirt, and sing!Don't study all day long.Or else you'll find,When other girls get married,You'll sing a different song!
Dress well, sweet maid, and let who will beclever.
Dance, flirt, and sing!
Don't study all day long.
Or else you'll find,
When other girls get married,
You'll sing a different song!
Faults on Both Sides.—Man and wife are like a pair of scissors, so long as they are together, but they become daggers so soon as they are disunited.
Partnership without Limited Liability.—Marriage.
Two men talking.BRUTES!Jones."Did you ever see a volcano in course of eruption?"Smith."No—but once I remember I came home very late from the club, and my wife——"[They understand one another
BRUTES!
Jones."Did you ever see a volcano in course of eruption?"
Smith."No—but once I remember I came home very late from the club, and my wife——"
[They understand one another
Man on runaway horse.A MAN OF MANY WOES
A MAN OF MANY WOES
(By a Recent Victim)
One of the first troubles to be faced by the young wife is the difficulty of getting servants. It will be found that a cook is almost indispensable. Rather than be without one, take time by the forelock and, during the engagement, try the following advertisement (one is bound to offer additional attractions nowadays):—"Wanted, at once, a good plain cook. If necessary,advertiser would be willing to make her a bridesmaid. Must be able to wear blue."
Or again:—"Newly married couple require cook and parlour maid.All china, glass, &c., in house new and unused and never been broken before."
In taking a house, remember that it is absolutely necessary to have an attic—in which toplace some of the presents. It is all very well to say that they can be put in the servants' hall, but it must not be forgotten that it is now very difficult to keep servants, even under the most favourable circumstances.
You cannot be too careful in giving instructions for your house decoration. "In the dining-room I think I would like a dado," I said one day to the paper-man. The paper-man's face turned almost white at the suggestion. "You cannot, sir," he said in a hushed voice, "the dado is extinct." Then he explained that persons of taste have friezes nowadays, both in summer and winter.
To avoid a rush at the end, it will be worth the bride's while to write out beforehand a large number of letters of thanks for wedding-presents. The most handy form is, "Dear——, We both thank you so very much for your—— present." When the present arrives you can fill in the missing word as circumstances require. On no account leave the blank.
Another happy form is, "Dear——, Thank you so much for your charming and useful present. Please, what is it for?"
But beware of the following form, as some persons do not take it in the way in which it is meant, "Dear——, Many thanks for your present. It is very good of you to have sent anything."
Nothing looks so solidly generous in the list of presents as the vague word, Cheque. Many mean people now send as a present a cheque for ten-and-six.
A novelty at wedding-receptions, and verychic, is to have in the present-room, in place of a detective, a parrot which has been trained to cry out every now and then, "Put that back! Put that back!"
Another novelty is to have a stall for the sale of duplicate articles.
The custom by which the bridegroom, on the night before the wedding, gives a farewell dinner to his bachelor friends is falling into desuetude. As a consequence one sees less frequently the announcement:—"On the —— instant, by the Rev. Mr. ——,assisted bythe Rev. Mr. ——, &c."
Sweep proposing marriage.SPORTING EVENT—A RECORDShe won the Sweep!
SPORTING EVENT—A RECORDShe won the Sweep!
Two ladies talking.ILLUMINISMThe Hon. Muriel."Oh yes, I suppose I could get married, if I could find a man I simply couldn't live without."The Hon. Maude."My dear girl, the difficulty is to find a man you can livewith!"
ILLUMINISM
The Hon. Muriel."Oh yes, I suppose I could get married, if I could find a man I simply couldn't live without."
The Hon. Maude."My dear girl, the difficulty is to find a man you can livewith!"
Man and woman talking.IN LEAP YEARHopeless Widower."Nothing can mend a broken heart."Hopeful Widow."Except re-pairing."
IN LEAP YEAR
Hopeless Widower."Nothing can mend a broken heart."
Hopeful Widow."Except re-pairing."
Man and woman talking.THE LAST CONGRATULATIONFair Guest (who, having had a desperate flirtation with the bridegroom a short time ago, wouldn't be absent from the ceremony on any account)."Well, Algey, it's all overnow! Aren't you pleased?"[Uncomfortable position of Algey.
THE LAST CONGRATULATION
Fair Guest (who, having had a desperate flirtation with the bridegroom a short time ago, wouldn't be absent from the ceremony on any account)."Well, Algey, it's all overnow! Aren't you pleased?"
[Uncomfortable position of Algey.
Seventeen."Ismarriage a failure? Ishouldlike to know!"Seven-and-Twenty."My dear, when as long as myself you have tarried,You will not need much demonstration to showThat the only true failure is—not getting married!"
Seventeen."Ismarriage a failure? Ishouldlike to know!"Seven-and-Twenty."My dear, when as long as myself you have tarried,You will not need much demonstration to showThat the only true failure is—not getting married!"
Seventeen."Ismarriage a failure? Ishouldlike to know!"
Seven-and-Twenty."My dear, when as long as myself you have tarried,
You will not need much demonstration to show
That the only true failure is—not getting married!"
Female Definition of Leap Year.—Miss Understood.
Man and woman talking.A PLEASANT PROSPECTMiss Kitty Candour (who has just accepted dear Reggie, and is now taking him fully into her confidence)."I must tell you, Reggie dear, that the great fault of my character is that after I have taken any resolution—it doesn't matter what it may be—I always bitterly repent it!"
A PLEASANT PROSPECT
Miss Kitty Candour (who has just accepted dear Reggie, and is now taking him fully into her confidence)."I must tell you, Reggie dear, that the great fault of my character is that after I have taken any resolution—it doesn't matter what it may be—I always bitterly repent it!"
She sketched a husband strong and braveOn whom her heart might lean;None but a hero would she have—This girl of 17.Her fancy subsequently turnedFrom deeds of derring do;For brainy intercourse she yearnedWhen she was 22.The years sped on, ambition taughtA worldly-wise design;A man of wealth was what she soughtWhen she was 29.But Time has modified her plan;Weak, imbecile, or poor—She's simply looking for amanNow she is 34.
She sketched a husband strong and braveOn whom her heart might lean;None but a hero would she have—This girl of 17.
She sketched a husband strong and brave
On whom her heart might lean;
None but a hero would she have—
This girl of 17.
Her fancy subsequently turnedFrom deeds of derring do;For brainy intercourse she yearnedWhen she was 22.
Her fancy subsequently turned
From deeds of derring do;
For brainy intercourse she yearned
When she was 22.
The years sped on, ambition taughtA worldly-wise design;A man of wealth was what she soughtWhen she was 29.
The years sped on, ambition taught
A worldly-wise design;
A man of wealth was what she sought
When she was 29.
But Time has modified her plan;Weak, imbecile, or poor—She's simply looking for amanNow she is 34.
But Time has modified her plan;
Weak, imbecile, or poor—
She's simply looking for aman
Now she is 34.
Our Village Industrial Competition.—Husband (just home from the City)."My angel!—crying!—whatever's the matter?"Wife."They've—awarded me—prize medal"—(sobbing)—"f' my sponge cake!"Husband (soothingly)."And I'm quite sure it deserv——"Wife (hysterically)."Oh—but—'t said—'twas—for the best specimen—o' concrete!"
Couple talking to a man."FOR THIS RELIEF——?""I'm sorry to hear your wife is suffering from her throat. I hope it's nothing serious?""No, I don't think so. The doctor's forbidden her to talk much. It'll trouble her a good deal, I expect, and she won't be herself for some time."
"FOR THIS RELIEF——?"
"I'm sorry to hear your wife is suffering from her throat. I hope it's nothing serious?"
"No, I don't think so. The doctor's forbidden her to talk much. It'll trouble her a good deal, I expect, and she won't be herself for some time."
(A Page from a Diary)
Monday.—Delightful news! My sister Nellie is engaged to be married! It came upon us all as a great surprise. I never had the slightest suspicion that Nellie cared twopence about old Goodbody St. Leger. He is such a staid, solemn old party, a regular fossilised bachelor we all thought. Not at all the sort of man to give way to emotions or to be in love. However, it's a capital match for Nellie as St. Leger's firm are about the largest accountants in the city. My wife thinks it will be a good thing in another way, too, as my other six sisters may now have a chance of going off. It seems that when once this kind of epidemic gets into a family, all the unmarried sisters go popping off like blazes one after another. Called with my wife this afternoon to congratulate Nellie. Rather a trial for the poor girl, as all sorts of female relatives had called full of enthusiasm and congratulations. Goodbody was there (Nellie calls him "Goodie") and seemed rather overwhelmed.
He went away early and didn't kiss Nellie. I thought this funny, and chaffed Nellie about it afterwards. She said she'd soon make that all right.
Tuesday.—Goodbody is getting on. We had a family dinner at home to-night. He came rather late and entered the drawing-room with an air of great determination, marched straight up to Nellie and kissed her violently. It was splendidly done and we all felt inclined to cheer. He kissed her again when he went away, and lingered so long in saying good-night to my mother that we all thought he was going to kiss her too. But he didn't. My wife said that the suspense of those moments was dreadful.
Wednesday.—He has kissed my mother—on both cheeks. I must say the old lady took it extraordinarily well, though she was not in the very least prepared for it. It happened at five o'clock tea, in an interval of complete silence, and those two sounding smacks simply reverberated through the room. Mother was quite cheerful afterwards, and spoke to Nellie about the trousseau in her usual calm and collected frame of mind. Still I can see that the incident has made a deep impression uponher. My wife told Maggie it would be her turn next.
Thursday.—Ithasbeen Maggie's turn. Goodbody called at home on his way from the City, and set to work as soon as he got into the drawing-room. He first kissed Nellie, then repeated the performance with my poor mother, and, finding that Maggie was close behind him, he kissed her on the forehead. Where will this end?
Friday.—He has regularly broken loose. He dined at home to-day, and, without a word of warning, kissed the whole family—my mother, Nellie, Maggie, Alice, Mabel, Polly, Maud, and little Beta. He quite forgot he had begun with my mother, and, after he had kissed Beta, got confused, and began all over again. At this moment my wife and I came in with Aunt Catherine, whom we had brought in our carriage.Both my wife and Aunt Catherine tried to escape, but it was no good. He kissed them both, and was just advancing towards me, when the butler fortunately announced dinner. Matters are getting quite desperate, and we none of us know what ought to be done. Aunt Catherine had a violent fit of hysterics in the spare bedroom after dinner.
Saturday.—The engagement is broken off. A great relief. It has been a lesson for all of us.
Man and wife talking.THE RETORT DISCOURTEOUSShe."Ah, it was very different before we were married. Then my word waslaw!"He."And a very vulgar word, too, my dear."
THE RETORT DISCOURTEOUS
She."Ah, it was very different before we were married. Then my word waslaw!"
He."And a very vulgar word, too, my dear."
Man and wife talking.SO CONVENIENT!Young Wife."Where are you going, Reggie dear?"Reggie Dear."Only to the club, my darling."Young Wife."Oh, I don't mind that, because there's a telephone there, and I can talk to you through it, can't I?"Reggie Dear."Y-yes—but—er—you know, the confounded wires are always getting out of order!"
SO CONVENIENT!
Young Wife."Where are you going, Reggie dear?"
Reggie Dear."Only to the club, my darling."
Young Wife."Oh, I don't mind that, because there's a telephone there, and I can talk to you through it, can't I?"
Reggie Dear."Y-yes—but—er—you know, the confounded wires are always getting out of order!"
Two men talking.PAST AND PRESENTSerious and much-Married Man."My dear friend, Iwasastonished to hear ofyourdining at Madame Troisétoiles!—a 'woman with a past,' you know!"The Friend (bachelor "unattached")."Well, you see, old man, she's got a first-ratechef, so it isn't her 'past,' but her 're-past' thatIcare about."
PAST AND PRESENT
Serious and much-Married Man."My dear friend, Iwasastonished to hear ofyourdining at Madame Troisétoiles!—a 'woman with a past,' you know!"
The Friend (bachelor "unattached")."Well, you see, old man, she's got a first-ratechef, so it isn't her 'past,' but her 're-past' thatIcare about."
Man and woman talking."Good-bye, Alfred darling. Youhavecheered me up. If I get lonely and depressed again, I'll just look at your dear photo—that's sure to make me laugh, and laugh, and laugh!"
"Good-bye, Alfred darling. Youhavecheered me up. If I get lonely and depressed again, I'll just look at your dear photo—that's sure to make me laugh, and laugh, and laugh!"
Man and wife talking.She."I told you that your old aunt had a will of her own."He (tired of waiting)."I know she has. I only wish she'd enable us to probate it!"
She."I told you that your old aunt had a will of her own."
He (tired of waiting)."I know she has. I only wish she'd enable us to probate it!"
Man and wife with dog."That's Mrs. Fitz-Jones. You never see her without her husband and her Dachshund.""Well, they make a very good pair."
"That's Mrs. Fitz-Jones. You never see her without her husband and her Dachshund."
"Well, they make a very good pair."
Couple talking to a man.A FAIR AVERAGEVisitor."Lady Evelyn tells me, Dan'l, that you have had four wives."Dan'l (proudly)."Ess, zur, I 'ave—an' what's more,two of 'em was good 'uns!"
A FAIR AVERAGE
Visitor."Lady Evelyn tells me, Dan'l, that you have had four wives."
Dan'l (proudly)."Ess, zur, I 'ave—an' what's more,two of 'em was good 'uns!"
Man and wife talking.Adolphus (penitently)."So sorry, dearest, that I was angry with you yesterday evening, and lost my temper."Olivia."Pray don't mention it, Dolly. It wasn't a very good one, and I'm sure you can easily find a better."
Adolphus (penitently)."So sorry, dearest, that I was angry with you yesterday evening, and lost my temper."
Olivia."Pray don't mention it, Dolly. It wasn't a very good one, and I'm sure you can easily find a better."
Nine Stages of a Love Story
First place, I dropped my eye on her,And she dropped hers, so blushfully!Then I "dropped in,"—her sire sold fur,—Then "dropped a line," most gushfully.I dropped a deal of ready cashOn her and her relations,Then dropped some hints—that course proved rash—About her "expectations."She dropped on me, daring to askSuchquestions. Here I stopped her.Her—bankrupt—sire then dropped the mask,And I—well then, I dropped her!
First place, I dropped my eye on her,And she dropped hers, so blushfully!Then I "dropped in,"—her sire sold fur,—Then "dropped a line," most gushfully.I dropped a deal of ready cashOn her and her relations,Then dropped some hints—that course proved rash—About her "expectations."She dropped on me, daring to askSuchquestions. Here I stopped her.Her—bankrupt—sire then dropped the mask,And I—well then, I dropped her!
First place, I dropped my eye on her,
And she dropped hers, so blushfully!
Then I "dropped in,"—her sire sold fur,—
Then "dropped a line," most gushfully.
I dropped a deal of ready cash
On her and her relations,
Then dropped some hints—that course proved rash—
About her "expectations."
She dropped on me, daring to ask
Suchquestions. Here I stopped her.
Her—bankrupt—sire then dropped the mask,
And I—well then, I dropped her!
Definitions.—Mater: One who findsmatesfor her daughters. Check Mate: A husband with money.
Two men talking."THE MISSIS" WOULD OBLIGEPhilanthropist."I'm sorry to see you in this condition, Parker. I'm afraid you'll miss the lecture to-night."Parker."Oh no, I shan't. I'm goin'—shtraightome."
"THE MISSIS" WOULD OBLIGE
Philanthropist."I'm sorry to see you in this condition, Parker. I'm afraid you'll miss the lecture to-night."
Parker."Oh no, I shan't. I'm goin'—shtraightome."
Oh, I am weary, weary,Of that pretty pinky face,Of the blank of its no meaning,The gush of its grimace.And I am weary, weary,Of her silly, simpering ways,Bugles, buckles, buttons, spangles,Tight tiebacks, tighter stays.And I am weary, weary,Of that hollow little laugh,Of the slang that stands for humour,Of the chatter and the chaff.Sick of the inch-deep feelingOf that hollow little heart,Its "too lovely" latest fashions,Its "too exquisite" high Art.Its Church high, higher, highest,Their curates and their clothes,Their intonings, genuflections,Masqueradings, mops and mows.But I must curb my temper,Grumbling helps not wedlock's ills.Fashion, High Church, or Æsthetics,Let me grin and pay the bills!
Oh, I am weary, weary,Of that pretty pinky face,Of the blank of its no meaning,The gush of its grimace.
Oh, I am weary, weary,
Of that pretty pinky face,
Of the blank of its no meaning,
The gush of its grimace.
And I am weary, weary,Of her silly, simpering ways,Bugles, buckles, buttons, spangles,Tight tiebacks, tighter stays.
And I am weary, weary,
Of her silly, simpering ways,
Bugles, buckles, buttons, spangles,
Tight tiebacks, tighter stays.
And I am weary, weary,Of that hollow little laugh,Of the slang that stands for humour,Of the chatter and the chaff.
And I am weary, weary,
Of that hollow little laugh,
Of the slang that stands for humour,
Of the chatter and the chaff.
Sick of the inch-deep feelingOf that hollow little heart,Its "too lovely" latest fashions,Its "too exquisite" high Art.
Sick of the inch-deep feeling
Of that hollow little heart,
Its "too lovely" latest fashions,
Its "too exquisite" high Art.
Its Church high, higher, highest,Their curates and their clothes,Their intonings, genuflections,Masqueradings, mops and mows.
Its Church high, higher, highest,
Their curates and their clothes,
Their intonings, genuflections,
Masqueradings, mops and mows.
But I must curb my temper,Grumbling helps not wedlock's ills.Fashion, High Church, or Æsthetics,Let me grin and pay the bills!
But I must curb my temper,
Grumbling helps not wedlock's ills.
Fashion, High Church, or Æsthetics,
Let me grin and pay the bills!
Two men talking.FOREWARNEDClaude Merridew, leaderette-writer, reviewer, &c. (sentimentally)."Whenever I think of Althæa, Miss Vansittart I mean, I am irresistibly reminded of those matchless words of Steele's—'To love her was a liberal education.'"Algy (following the idea with difficulty)."That's all right, old man, that's all right, 'course I know a lot of you writin' chaps are like that, but I think I ought to tell you that her father is one of the head johnnies in the Primrose League."
FOREWARNED
Claude Merridew, leaderette-writer, reviewer, &c. (sentimentally)."Whenever I think of Althæa, Miss Vansittart I mean, I am irresistibly reminded of those matchless words of Steele's—'To love her was a liberal education.'"
Algy (following the idea with difficulty)."That's all right, old man, that's all right, 'course I know a lot of you writin' chaps are like that, but I think I ought to tell you that her father is one of the head johnnies in the Primrose League."
HHow suggestive is the new year of bills; and bills of housekeeping. It is fearful to reflect how many persons rush into matrimony, totally unprepared for the awful change that awaits them. A man may take a wife at twenty-one, before he knows the difference between a chip and a Leghorn! We would no more grant a marriage licence to anybody simply because he is of age, than a licence, on that ground only, to practise as an apothecary. Husbands ought to be educated. We should like to have the followingquestions put to young and inexperienced "Persons about to Marry:"—
Are you aware, sir, of the price of coals and candles?
Do you know which is more economical, the aitch-bone, or the round?
How far, young man, will a leg of mutton go in a small family?
How much dearer, now, is silver than Britannia?
Please to give the average price of a four-poster.
Declare, if you can, rash youth, the sum, per annum, that chemisettes, pelerines, cardinals, bonnets, veils, caps, ribbons, flowers, gloves, cuffs, and collars, would probably come to in the lump.
If unable to answer these inquiries, we would say to him, "Go back to school."
He that would be a husband should also undergo a training, physical and moral. He should be further examined thus:—
Can you read or write amid the yells of a nursery?
Can you wait any given time for breakfast?
Can you maintain your serenity during a washing-day?
Can you cut your old friends?
Can you stand being contradicted in the face of all reason?
Can you keep your temper when you are not listened to?
Can you do what you are told without being told why?
In a word, young sir, have you the patience of Job?
If you can lay your hand upon your heart and answer "Yes," take your licence and marry—not else.
To Policemen about to Marry.—When you are about to marry, visit as many cooks as you can, so as to give you the widest possible area for your choice. Avoid housemaids, whose occupation does not admit of the accumulation of much dust to come down with; and remember that there is nothing like kitchen-stuff for greasing the wheel of fortune. When married, a policeman will be justified in living above his station—if he can get a room there for nothing.
(By a Commonplace Person)
To thee, were I a humble bee,I'd hourly wing my honeyed flight;To thee, were I a ship at sea,I'd sail, tho' land were in my sight:To thee, were I a pussy cat,I'd spring, as tho' 'twere on a rat!To thee, were I a sticklebackI'd swim as fast as fins could move;To thee, were I a hunter's hack,I'd gallop on the hoofs of love:But as I'm but a simple man,I'll come by train, love—if I can!
To thee, were I a humble bee,I'd hourly wing my honeyed flight;To thee, were I a ship at sea,I'd sail, tho' land were in my sight:To thee, were I a pussy cat,I'd spring, as tho' 'twere on a rat!
To thee, were I a humble bee,
I'd hourly wing my honeyed flight;
To thee, were I a ship at sea,
I'd sail, tho' land were in my sight:
To thee, were I a pussy cat,
I'd spring, as tho' 'twere on a rat!
To thee, were I a sticklebackI'd swim as fast as fins could move;To thee, were I a hunter's hack,I'd gallop on the hoofs of love:But as I'm but a simple man,I'll come by train, love—if I can!
To thee, were I a stickleback
I'd swim as fast as fins could move;
To thee, were I a hunter's hack,
I'd gallop on the hoofs of love:
But as I'm but a simple man,
I'll come by train, love—if I can!
Man and woman talking.He."Are you still living at the same address in town, Mrs. Jones?"She."Yes. But since I've become a widow, I've been looking for another flat!"
He."Are you still living at the same address in town, Mrs. Jones?"
She."Yes. But since I've become a widow, I've been looking for another flat!"
Man and woman talking.Miss Short."Isn't my name an absurd misfit, Mr. Long?"Mr. Long (thoughtlessly)."Yes, rather. If you could have mine it would be all right, wouldn't it?"Miss Short."Oh, Mr. Long, this is so sudden!"
Miss Short."Isn't my name an absurd misfit, Mr. Long?"
Mr. Long (thoughtlessly)."Yes, rather. If you could have mine it would be all right, wouldn't it?"
Miss Short."Oh, Mr. Long, this is so sudden!"
Man and woman talking.THE ALTERNATIVEThe Doctor."Well, Mrs. Barnes, I must offer you my congratulations. I hear you've married again. And have you given up your occupation of washing?"Mrs. Barnes."Oh, no, sir. But, you see, if I 'adn't taken 'e, I'd 'a' 'ad to 'a' bought a donkey!"
THE ALTERNATIVE
The Doctor."Well, Mrs. Barnes, I must offer you my congratulations. I hear you've married again. And have you given up your occupation of washing?"
Mrs. Barnes."Oh, no, sir. But, you see, if I 'adn't taken 'e, I'd 'a' 'ad to 'a' bought a donkey!"
Man and wife talking."Now, George dear, it's your first birthday in the new century. What good resolutions are you going to make?""Well, for one thing, I intend to be much more regular in my habits.""Why notgive them all up, dear?"
"Now, George dear, it's your first birthday in the new century. What good resolutions are you going to make?"
"Well, for one thing, I intend to be much more regular in my habits."
"Why notgive them all up, dear?"
Two men talking.FAMILY CARESFirst Excursionist."Int'restin' ruins these, sir."Second Ditto (the bread-winner)."'Mye-es. 'Don't care for ruins m'self though." (Pointing to his olive branches in the background.) "Them's ruin enough for me?"
FAMILY CARES
First Excursionist."Int'restin' ruins these, sir."
Second Ditto (the bread-winner)."'Mye-es. 'Don't care for ruins m'self though." (Pointing to his olive branches in the background.) "Them's ruin enough for me?"
Or, Diogenes the Younger
The Lady with a Mission.—She will fill your house with parsons or professors, lecture you on her pet hobby when she can get no other audience (which will be pretty often), consider all your old friends frivolous, and treat you with supreme contempt if you venture to hint that you like your dinner punctually, and properly cooked.
The Lady of Fashion.—She will regard you as an appendage, a cheque-drawing animal, a useful purveyor of equipages and dresses and diamonds and lace, a person to be ignored as much as possible in Society.
The Millionaire's Daughter.—She will persistently make you aware that it isherhouse you live in,hercarriage you drive, that the servants arehers, the dinnershers—that, in fact, she has bought you, and given for you much more than you are really worth.
The Pious-Parochial Lady.—She will devote all her time to the distribution of tracts, the inspection of cottages, the collection of gossip, and interviews with the curate. Each curate will be a more "blessed" man than his predecessor, especially if he have the shifty eyes, aggressive teeth, narrow forehead, and shambling knees which modern curatism has developed.
The Female Novelist.She will sit up all night writing improprieties, and pass all day in town,worrying publishers, who are at present sad victims of the irrepressible petticoat.
The Horsey Woman.She will laugh at you as a muff if you don't ride across country, buy "screws" from her particular friends that you will have to sell for as many tens as she gave hundreds, and cost you a fortune in doctors' bills by breaking her collar-bone at least once every season.
The Gushing Female.She will devour you with kisses, to the injury of your shirt-front, or weep on your bosom, with much the same result. To her either is equally delightful.
The Widow.Diogenes pauses. The theme is too great for him.Vide Mr. Weller, sen., inPickwick, passim.