Studies in Evolution.

"The Deserted Village."—London in September.

The Clockmaker's Paradise.—Seven Dials.

Studies in EvolutionStudies in Evolution.Alderman Brownjones senior explains to his son, Alderman Brownjones junior, that there is a lamentable falling-off sincehisday, in the breed of aldermen-sheriffs—not only in style and bearing, but even in "happetite"!

Alderman Brownjones senior explains to his son, Alderman Brownjones junior, that there is a lamentable falling-off sincehisday, in the breed of aldermen-sheriffs—not only in style and bearing, but even in "happetite"!

Man rushing out of clubGent(rushing out of club in a terrific hurry). "I say, cabby, drive as fast as you can to Waterloo—Leatherhead!"Cabby."'Ere, I say, not so much of yourleather'ed, if you please!"[Goes off grumbling.

Gent(rushing out of club in a terrific hurry). "I say, cabby, drive as fast as you can to Waterloo—Leatherhead!"

Cabby."'Ere, I say, not so much of yourleather'ed, if you please!"

Mrs. Snobson(who is doing a little slumming for the first time and wishes to appear affable, but is at a loss to know how to commence conversation). "Town very empty!"

The baker rolls.The butcher shambles.The banker balances himself well.The cook has a mincing gait.The livery-stable keeper has a "musinggait."The excursionist trips along.The fishmonger flounders on.The poulterer waddles like a duck.The gardener does not allow the grass to grow under his feet.The grocer treads gingerly.The indiarubber manufacturer has an elastic step.The rogue shuffles, andThe doctor's pace is killing.

Shopkeeper's Science.—Buyology.

Peopletalk about making a clean sweep. Can they make a sweep clean?

Beneath One's Notice.—Advertisements on the pavement.

ABSENT-MINDED BEGGAR"THE ABSENT-MINDED BEGGAR"(With apologies to Mr. Kipling)

(With apologies to Mr. Kipling)

Talkative Old LadyTalkative Old Lady(drinking a glass of milk, to enthusiastic teetotaler, who is doing ditto). "Yes, sir, since they're begun poisoning the beer, wemustdrinksomething, mustn't we?"

Talkative Old Lady(drinking a glass of milk, to enthusiastic teetotaler, who is doing ditto). "Yes, sir, since they're begun poisoning the beer, wemustdrinksomething, mustn't we?"

cramped for roomSmall Boy(who is somewhat cramped for room). "Are you still there, Billy? I thought you wos lost."

Small Boy(who is somewhat cramped for room). "Are you still there, Billy? I thought you wos lost."

Irate Old GentlemanIrate Old Gentleman."Here, I say, your beast of a dog has bitten a piece out of my leg!"Dog's Owner."Oh, bother! And I wanted to bring him up a vegetarian!"

Irate Old Gentleman."Here, I say, your beast of a dog has bitten a piece out of my leg!"

Dog's Owner."Oh, bother! And I wanted to bring him up a vegetarian!"

Not a drop"'Ad any breakfus' 's mornin'?" "Not a drop!"

"'Ad any breakfus' 's mornin'?" "Not a drop!"

Concerning Cash

Question.What is cash?

Answer.Cash may be described as comfort in the concrete.

Q.Is it not sometimes called "the root of all evil"?

A.Yes, by those who do not possess it.

Q.Is it possible to live without cash?

A.Certainly—upon credit.

Q.Can you tell me what is credit?

A.Credit is the motive power which induces persons who have cash, to part with some of it to those who have it not.

Q.Can you give me an instance of credit?

A.Certainly. A young man who is able to live at the rate of a thousand a-year, with an income not exceeding nothing a month, is a case of credit.

Q.Would it be right to describe such a transaction as "much to his credit"?

A.It would be more precise to say, "much byhis credit"; although the former phrase would be accepted by a large class of the community as absolutely accurate.

Q.What is bimetallism?

A.Bimetallism is a subject that is frequently discussed by amateur financiers, after a good dinner, on the near approach of the coffee.

Q.Can you give me your impression of the theory of bimetallism?

A.My impression of bimetallism is the advisability of obtaining silver, if you cannot get gold.

Q.What is the best way of securing gold?

A.The safest way is to borrow it.

Q.Can money be obtained in any other way?

A.In the olden time it was gathered on Hounslow Heath and other deserted spots, by mounted horsemen wearing masks and carrying pistols.

Q.What is the modern way of securing funds, on the same principles, but with smaller risk?

A.By promoting companies and other expedients known to the members of the Stock Exchange.

A Good Figure-head.—An arithmetician's.

An Empty EmbraceAn Empty Embrace."'Ere y'are! Humberella rings, two a penny!"

"'Ere y'are! Humberella rings, two a penny!"

Two elephantsConductor(on "Elephant and Castle" route). "Fares, please!"Fare."Two elephants!"

Conductor(on "Elephant and Castle" route). "Fares, please!"

Fare."Two elephants!"

LIFE'S LITTLE IRONIESONE OF "LIFE'S LITTLE IRONIES"

Men talkingOVERHEARD OUTSIDE A FAMOUS RESTAURANT"Hullo, Gus! What are you waiting about here for?""I'm waiting till the banks close. I want to cash a cheque!"

"Hullo, Gus! What are you waiting about here for?"

"I'm waiting till the banks close. I want to cash a cheque!"

"Unsatisfactory Commercial Relations."—Our "uncles."

Country Shareholders.—Ploughmen.

Working Man, sitting on the steps of a big house in, say, Russell Square, smoking pipe. A mate passes by with plumbing tools, &c.Man with tools."Hullo, Jim! Wot are yer doin' 'ere? Caretakin'?"Man on steps."No. I'm the howner, 'ere."Man with tools."'Ow's that?"Man on steps."Why, I did a bit o' plumbing in the 'ouse, an' I took the place in part payment for the job."

Working Man, sitting on the steps of a big house in, say, Russell Square, smoking pipe. A mate passes by with plumbing tools, &c.

Man with tools."Hullo, Jim! Wot are yer doin' 'ere? Caretakin'?"

Man on steps."No. I'm the howner, 'ere."

Man with tools."'Ow's that?"

Man on steps."Why, I did a bit o' plumbing in the 'ouse, an' I took the place in part payment for the job."

THE GLORIOUS FIFTHTHE GLORIOUS FIFTHBenevolent Lady(fond of the good old customs). "Here, my boy, is something for your guy."Conscientious Youth."We ain't got no guy, mum; this 'ere's grandfather!"

Benevolent Lady(fond of the good old customs). "Here, my boy, is something for your guy."

Conscientious Youth."We ain't got no guy, mum; this 'ere's grandfather!"

A "Young Shaver."—A barber's baby.

Joint Account.—A butcher's bill.

Customer in barbershopAfter "The Slump" in the City.Weak Speculator in South African market(about to pay the barber who has been shaving him). "A shilling! eh? Why, your charge used to be only sixpence."City Barber."Yes, sir;but you've got such a long face, we're obliged to increase the price!"

Weak Speculator in South African market(about to pay the barber who has been shaving him). "A shilling! eh? Why, your charge used to be only sixpence."

City Barber."Yes, sir;but you've got such a long face, we're obliged to increase the price!"

Two men talking"I don't arst yer fer money. I don'twantmoney. Wot I wants is bread.'Aveyer got such a thing as a bit o' bread about yer, me lord?"

"I don't arst yer fer money. I don'twantmoney. Wot I wants is bread.'Aveyer got such a thing as a bit o' bread about yer, me lord?"

(Subject to Revision after the Vacation)

Question.What is meant by the promotion of a company?

Answer.The process of separating capital from its possessor.

Q.How is this end accomplished?

A.By the preparation and publication of a prospectus.

Q.Of what does a prospectus consist?

A.A front page and a statement of facts.

Q.Define a front page.

A.The bait covering the hook, the lane leading to the pitfall, the lath concealing the quagmire—occasionally.

Q.Of what is a front page composed?

A.Titles, and other suggestions of respectability.

Q.How are these suggestions obtained?

A.In the customary fashion.

Q.Can a banking account be put to any particular service in the promotion of a company?

A.Certainly; it eases the wheels in all directions.

Q.Can it obtain the good-will of the Press?

A.Only of questionable and usually short-lived periodicals.

Q.But the destination of the cash scarcely affects the promoter?

A.No; for he loses in any case.

Q.How much of his profits does he sometimes have to disgorge?

A.According to circumstances, from three-fifths to nineteen-twentieths of his easily-secured takings.

Q.And what does promotion do for the promoter?

A.It usually bestows upon him temporary prosperity.

Q.Why do you say "temporary"?

A.Because a pleasant present is frequently followed by a disastrous future.

Q.You mean, then, that this prosperity is like the companies promoted, "limited"?

A.Yes, by the Court of Bankruptcy.

Every morning's a fresh morning"ON 'CHANGE"Brown."Mornin'. Fresh mornin', ain't it?"Smith. "'Course it is. Every morning's a fresh morning! By-bye!"[Brown's temper all day is quite unbearable.

Brown."Mornin'. Fresh mornin', ain't it?"

Smith. "'Course it is. Every morning's a fresh morning! By-bye!"

British WorkmenSympathetic Passer-by."But if he's badly hurt, why doesn't he go to the hospital?"British Workman."Wot! In 'is dinner-time!!"

Sympathetic Passer-by."But if he's badly hurt, why doesn't he go to the hospital?"

British Workman."Wot! In 'is dinner-time!!"

(By Dumb-Crambo, Junior)

Washing wantedWashing wanted

Left-off clothingLeft-off clothing

Vacancy for one pupilVacancy for one pupil

Branch establishmentBranch establishment

Improver wanted in the dressmakingImprover wanted in the dressmaking

Engagement wanted, as housekeeper. Highly recommendedEngagement wanted, as housekeeper. Highly recommended

Board and residenceBoard and residence

Unfurnished flatUnfurnished flat

Smart youth wantedSmart youth wanted

Mangling done on the shortest noticeMangling done on the shortest notice

River Styx.—"The thousand masts of Thames."

The Man we should like to send to a Séance.—The man who knows how to hit the happy medium.

AppropriateLocalefor the Dairy Show.—Chalk Farm.

A Tidy Drop.—A glass of spirits,neat.

LORD MAYOR'S SHOWLORD MAYOR'S SHOW AS IT OUGHT TO BEDesigned by Mr. Punch's Special Processionist

ANOTHER SUGGESTION FOR THE LORD MAYOR'S SHOWANOTHER SUGGESTION FOR THE LORD MAYOR'S SHOW AS IT OUGHT TO BE

Nuts for the monkeys"'Nuts for the monkeys, sir? Buy a bag o' nuts for the monkeys!""I'm not going to the Zoo.""Ah, well, sir, have some to take home to the children!"

"'Nuts for the monkeys, sir? Buy a bag o' nuts for the monkeys!"

"I'm not going to the Zoo."

"Ah, well, sir, have some to take home to the children!"

HYDE PARK, MAY 1HYDE PARK, MAY 1Country Cousin."What is the meaning of this, policeman?"Constable."Labour day, miss."

Country Cousin."What is the meaning of this, policeman?"

Constable."Labour day, miss."

tie a knot in his tailBoy(to Cabby with somewhat shadowy horse). "Look 'ere, guv'nor, you'd better tie a knot in 'is tail afore 'e gets wet, or 'e might slip through 'is collar!"

Boy(to Cabby with somewhat shadowy horse). "Look 'ere, guv'nor, you'd better tie a knot in 'is tail afore 'e gets wet, or 'e might slip through 'is collar!"

Shocking bad horseIndignant Cabby."Shockin' bad 'orse, 'ave I? And wot's this hextra tuppence for?—to buy a new 'un with, eh?"

Indignant Cabby."Shockin' bad 'orse, 'ave I? And wot's this hextra tuppence for?—to buy a new 'un with, eh?"

For the Old Ladies.

A tea-party without scandal is like a knife without a handle.

Words without deeds are like the husks without the seeds.

Features without grace are like a clock without a face.

A land without the laws is like a cat without her claws.

Life without cheer is like a cellar without beer.

A master without a cane is like a rider without the rein.

Marriage without means is like a horse without his beans.

A man without a wife is like a fork without a knife.

A quarrel without fighting is like thunder without lightning.

Motto for a Self-made and Successful Money-lender.—"A loan I did it!"

Improper Expression.—Let it never be said, that when a man jumps for joy, "his delight knows nobounds."

Theopposite to a tea-fight—A coffee-mill.

THE TIP-CAT SEASONTHE TIP-CAT SEASON HAS NOW COMMENCEDStreet Urchin."Now then, old 'un——Fore!"

Street Urchin."Now then, old 'un——Fore!"

Crossing-SweeperCrossing-Sweeper(to Brown, whose greatest pride is his new brougham, diminutive driver, &c.). "'Igh! Stop! You've lost somethin'—the coachman!"

Crossing-Sweeper(to Brown, whose greatest pride is his new brougham, diminutive driver, &c.). "'Igh! Stop! You've lost somethin'—the coachman!"

Irate Bus DriverIrate Bus Driver."You wouldn't do that for me, would yer?"

Irate Bus Driver."You wouldn't do that for me, would yer?"

AT THE STORESAT THE STORES. BUY—OUR TAPESTRY ARTIST

(By Dumb-Crambo, Junior)

Scotch polledScotch polled

Best wetherBest wether

Class for rootsClass for roots

SteersSteers

Best butterBest butter

Cross bredCross bred

There have been a few transactions in rags at threepence a pound, and an extensive bone-grubber caused considerable excitement by bringing a quantity of waste-paper into the market which turned the scale in his own favour.

Motto for a Mourning Warehouse.—Die and let live.

Out of Place.—A vegetarian at the Cattle Show.

A Financial Authority Badly Wanted.—The man who can say "bogus" to the investing goose.

Asparagus is looking up, and radishes are taking a downward direction. Peas were almost nothing at the opening; and new potatoes were buoyant in the basket, but turned out rather heavy at the settling. A rush of bulls through the market had a dreadful effect upon apple-stalls and other minor securities; but all the established houses stood their ground, though the run occasioned a panic among some of the proprietors.

The Quarterly AccountsThe Quarterly Accounts.—Clerk."Sorry to say, sir, there's a saddle we can't account for. Can't find out who it was sent to."Employer."Charge it on all the bills."

The Quarterly Accounts.—Clerk."Sorry to say, sir, there's a saddle we can't account for. Can't find out who it was sent to."

Employer."Charge it on all the bills."

I will not ask thee to be mine,Because I love thee far too well;Ah! what I feel, who thus resignAll hope in life, no words can tell.Only the dictate I obeyOf deep affection's strong excess,When, dearest, in despair, I sayFarewell to thee and happiness.Thy face, so tranquil and serene,To see bedimmed I could not bear,Pinched with hard thrift's expression mean,Disfigured with the lines of care,I could not brook the day to seeWhen thou would'st not, as thou hast now,Have all those things surrounding theeThat light the eye and smooth the brow.Thou wilt smile calmly at my fearThat want would e'er approach our door;I know it must to thee appearA melancholy dream: no more.Wilt thou not be with riches blest?Is not my fortune ample too?Must I not, therefore, be possessed,To feel that dread, of devils blue?Alas! my wealth, that should maintain,My bride in glory and in joy,Is built on a foundation vain,Which soon a tempest will destroy.Yes, yes, an interest high, I knowMy capital at present bears;But in a moment it may go:It is invested all in shares.The company is doomed to fall,Spreading around disaster dire,I hear that the directors allAre rogues—the greatest rogue thy sire!Go—seek a happier, wiser mate,Who had the wit to be contentWith the returns of his estate,And with Consols at three per cent!

I will not ask thee to be mine,

Because I love thee far too well;

Ah! what I feel, who thus resign

All hope in life, no words can tell.

Only the dictate I obey

Of deep affection's strong excess,

When, dearest, in despair, I say

Farewell to thee and happiness.

Thy face, so tranquil and serene,To see bedimmed I could not bear,Pinched with hard thrift's expression mean,Disfigured with the lines of care,I could not brook the day to seeWhen thou would'st not, as thou hast now,Have all those things surrounding theeThat light the eye and smooth the brow.

Thy face, so tranquil and serene,

To see bedimmed I could not bear,

Pinched with hard thrift's expression mean,

Disfigured with the lines of care,

I could not brook the day to see

When thou would'st not, as thou hast now,

Have all those things surrounding thee

That light the eye and smooth the brow.

Thou wilt smile calmly at my fearThat want would e'er approach our door;I know it must to thee appearA melancholy dream: no more.Wilt thou not be with riches blest?Is not my fortune ample too?Must I not, therefore, be possessed,To feel that dread, of devils blue?

Thou wilt smile calmly at my fear

That want would e'er approach our door;

I know it must to thee appear

A melancholy dream: no more.

Wilt thou not be with riches blest?

Is not my fortune ample too?

Must I not, therefore, be possessed,

To feel that dread, of devils blue?

Alas! my wealth, that should maintain,My bride in glory and in joy,Is built on a foundation vain,Which soon a tempest will destroy.Yes, yes, an interest high, I knowMy capital at present bears;But in a moment it may go:It is invested all in shares.

Alas! my wealth, that should maintain,

My bride in glory and in joy,

Is built on a foundation vain,

Which soon a tempest will destroy.

Yes, yes, an interest high, I know

My capital at present bears;

But in a moment it may go:

It is invested all in shares.

The company is doomed to fall,Spreading around disaster dire,I hear that the directors allAre rogues—the greatest rogue thy sire!Go—seek a happier, wiser mate,Who had the wit to be contentWith the returns of his estate,And with Consols at three per cent!

The company is doomed to fall,

Spreading around disaster dire,

I hear that the directors all

Are rogues—the greatest rogue thy sire!

Go—seek a happier, wiser mate,

Who had the wit to be content

With the returns of his estate,

And with Consols at three per cent!

The Feast of all Fools.—More than is good for them.

The "Lap" of Luxury.—Genuine milk in London.

Dish for Diddled Shareholders.—Bubble and squeak.

Science Gossip.—"A City Clerk and a Naturalist" asks whether there is not a bird called theditto ditto. Is he not thinking of our old acquaintance, the do-do?

How to Make Money.—Get a situation in the Mint.—Economist.

Strange Coin.—Fortyoddpounds!

The Momentous QuestionThe Momentous Question.Paterfamilias (who is just beginning to feel himself at home in his delightfully new suburban residence) interrupts the wife of his bosom."'Seaside!' 'Change of air!!' 'Out of town!!!' What nonsense, Anna Maria! Why, good gracious me! what on earth can you want to be going 'out of town' for, when you've got such a garden asthis!"

Paterfamilias (who is just beginning to feel himself at home in his delightfully new suburban residence) interrupts the wife of his bosom."'Seaside!' 'Change of air!!' 'Out of town!!!' What nonsense, Anna Maria! Why, good gracious me! what on earth can you want to be going 'out of town' for, when you've got such a garden asthis!"

SUGGESTIVESUGGESTIVEDissipated Ballad Howler."Sweet spirit, 'ear my prayer!"

Dissipated Ballad Howler."Sweet spirit, 'ear my prayer!"

A Corrector of the Press.—A policeman at a crowded crossing.

Never on its Legs.—The most constant faller in the metropolis: the Strand, because it is always being picked up.

The Markets.—There was a good deal of liveliness in hops, and a party of strangers, who seemed to act together, took off the contents of all thepocketsthey could lay hold of. There was little doing in corn, and what barley came in was converted into barley-water for a large consumer. Peas were distributed freely in small samples through the market, by means of tin tubes; and as usual there was a good deal of roguery in grain, which it was found necessary to guard against.

The Fortnightly Review.—The account day on the Stock Exchange.

A Regular Make-shift.—The sewing machine.

City Intelligence.—We read, in a great aldermanic authority, that "a dinner is on thetapis." Thetapisalluded to is, of course, Gob'lin?

RESULT OF CARELESS BILL-POSTINGTHE RESULT OF CARELESS BILL-POSTING

SKETCH NEAR PICCADILLYA SKETCH NEAR PICCADILLY

flower sellerMADAME CHRYSANTHÈME(With apologies to "Pierre Loti.")

(With apologies to "Pierre Loti.")

Mrs. Griddleton.What are those square things, coachman, you put over the poor horse's eyes?

Driver.Blinkers, ma'am.

Mrs. G.Why do you put them on, coachman?

Driver.To prevent the 'orse from blinking, ma'am.

[Inquiry closed.

Inscription for Street Letter-boxes.—"From Pillar to Post."

Scene—Hyde Park. Time: Five o'clock.

Friend.Any news? Anything in the papers?

Government Clerk.Can't say. Haven't been to the office to-day, my boy.

Back to Index Next