OVERHEARD AT SCARBOROUGHOVERHEARD AT SCARBOROUGH"Do you know anything good for a cold?""Yes.""What is it?""Have you got the price of two Scotch whiskies on you?""No.""Then it's no use my telling you."
"Do you know anything good for a cold?"
"Yes."
"What is it?"
"Have you got the price of two Scotch whiskies on you?"
"No."
"Then it's no use my telling you."
Oh, all sortsSnobson(to inhabitant of out-of-way seaside resort). "What sort of people do you get down here in the summer?"Inhabitant."Oh, all sorts, zur. There be fine people an' common people, an' some just half-an'-half, like yourself, zur."
Snobson(to inhabitant of out-of-way seaside resort). "What sort of people do you get down here in the summer?"
Inhabitant."Oh, all sorts, zur. There be fine people an' common people, an' some just half-an'-half, like yourself, zur."
FROZEN IN THEIR BEDSTHE OYSTERS AT WHITSTABLE FROZEN IN THEIR BEDS!(See Daily Papers)
(See Daily Papers)
A DELICIOUS DIPA DELICIOUS DIP.Bathing Attendant."Here, Bill! The gent wants to be took out deep—take 'iminto the drain!!"
Bathing Attendant."Here, Bill! The gent wants to be took out deep—take 'iminto the drain!!"
Mr. Baskerville's estateShe."How much was old Mr. Baskerville's estate sworn at by his next-of-kin?"He."Oh—a pretty good lot."She."Really? Why, I heard he died worth hardly anything!"He."Yes, so he did—that's just it."
She."How much was old Mr. Baskerville's estate sworn at by his next-of-kin?"
He."Oh—a pretty good lot."
She."Really? Why, I heard he died worth hardly anything!"
He."Yes, so he did—that's just it."
Do you smell the iodineEVIDENCE OLFACTORYAngelina(scientific). "Do you smell the iodine from the sea, Edwin? Isn't it refreshing?"Old Salt(overhearing). "What you smell ain't the sea, miss. It's the town drains as flows out just 'ere!"
Angelina(scientific). "Do you smell the iodine from the sea, Edwin? Isn't it refreshing?"
Old Salt(overhearing). "What you smell ain't the sea, miss. It's the town drains as flows out just 'ere!"
OBLIGINGOBLIGING.Excursionist(to himself). "Ullo! 'ere's one o' them artists. 'Dessay 'e'll want a genteel figger for 'is foreground. I'llstand for 'im!!!"
Excursionist(to himself). "Ullo! 'ere's one o' them artists. 'Dessay 'e'll want a genteel figger for 'is foreground. I'llstand for 'im!!!"
True Dipsomania.—Overbathing at the seaside.
True Dipsomania.—Overbathing at the seaside.
When the days are bright and hot,In the month of August,When the sunny hours are notMarred by any raw gust,Then I turn from toil with glee,Sing a careless canto,And to somewhere by the seaCarry my portmanteau.Shall I, dreaming on the sand,Pleased with all things finite,Envy Jones who travels andClimbs an Apennine height—Climbs a rugged peak with pain,Literally speaking,Only to descend againFagged with pleasure-seeking?Smith, who, worn with labour, wentOff for rest and leisure,Races round the ContinentIn pursuit of pleasure:Having lunched at Bâle, he willAt Lucerne his tea take,Riding till he's faint and ill,Tramping till his feet ache.Shall I, dreaming thus at home,Left ashore behind here,Envy restless men who roamSeeking what I find here?Since beside my native sea,Where I sit to woo it,Pleasure always comes to me,Why should I pursue it?
When the days are bright and hot,In the month of August,When the sunny hours are notMarred by any raw gust,Then I turn from toil with glee,Sing a careless canto,And to somewhere by the seaCarry my portmanteau.
When the days are bright and hot,
In the month of August,
When the sunny hours are not
Marred by any raw gust,
Then I turn from toil with glee,
Sing a careless canto,
And to somewhere by the sea
Carry my portmanteau.
Shall I, dreaming on the sand,Pleased with all things finite,Envy Jones who travels andClimbs an Apennine height—Climbs a rugged peak with pain,Literally speaking,Only to descend againFagged with pleasure-seeking?
Shall I, dreaming on the sand,
Pleased with all things finite,
Envy Jones who travels and
Climbs an Apennine height—
Climbs a rugged peak with pain,
Literally speaking,
Only to descend again
Fagged with pleasure-seeking?
Smith, who, worn with labour, wentOff for rest and leisure,Races round the ContinentIn pursuit of pleasure:Having lunched at Bâle, he willAt Lucerne his tea take,Riding till he's faint and ill,Tramping till his feet ache.
Smith, who, worn with labour, went
Off for rest and leisure,
Races round the Continent
In pursuit of pleasure:
Having lunched at Bâle, he will
At Lucerne his tea take,
Riding till he's faint and ill,
Tramping till his feet ache.
Shall I, dreaming thus at home,Left ashore behind here,Envy restless men who roamSeeking what I find here?Since beside my native sea,Where I sit to woo it,Pleasure always comes to me,Why should I pursue it?
Shall I, dreaming thus at home,
Left ashore behind here,
Envy restless men who roam
Seeking what I find here?
Since beside my native sea,
Where I sit to woo it,
Pleasure always comes to me,
Why should I pursue it?
MURMUR OF THE TIEDTHE MURMUR OF THE TIED
Extra Special.—Paterfamilias(inspecting bill, to landlady). I thought you said, Mrs. Buggins, when I took these apartments, that there were no extras, but here I find boots, lights, cruets, fire, table-linen, sheets, blankets and kitchen fire charged.
Mrs. Buggins.Lor' bless you, sir, they're not extras, but necessaries.
Paterfamilias.What, then, do you consider extras?
Mrs. Buggins.Well, sir, that's a difficult question to answer, but I should suggest salad oil, fly-papers, and turtle soup.
[Paterfamilias drops the subject and pays his account.
SUSPICIONSUSPICIONStout Visitor(on discovering that, during his usual nap after luncheon, he has been subjected to a grossly personal practical joke). "It's one o' those dashed artists that are staying at the 'Lord Nelson' 'a' done this, I know!"
Stout Visitor(on discovering that, during his usual nap after luncheon, he has been subjected to a grossly personal practical joke). "It's one o' those dashed artists that are staying at the 'Lord Nelson' 'a' done this, I know!"
wireless telegraphyAunt Jane."It's wonderful how this wireless telegraphy is coming into use!"
Aunt Jane."It's wonderful how this wireless telegraphy is coming into use!"
DREAM OF THE SEAA DREAM OF THE SEAEthel, who is not to have a seaside trip this year, dreams every night that she and her mamma and aunt and sisters spread their sash-bows and panniers and fly away to the yellow sands.
Ethel, who is not to have a seaside trip this year, dreams every night that she and her mamma and aunt and sisters spread their sash-bows and panniers and fly away to the yellow sands.
It nearly broke my widowed art,When first I tuk the notion,That parties didn't as they used,Take reglar to the ocean.The hinfants, darling little soles,Still cum quite frequent, bless 'em!But they is only sixpence each,Which hardly pays to dress 'em.The reason struck me all at once,Says I, "It's my opinion,The grown-up folks no longer bathesBecause of them vile Sheenions."
It nearly broke my widowed art,When first I tuk the notion,That parties didn't as they used,Take reglar to the ocean.
It nearly broke my widowed art,
When first I tuk the notion,
That parties didn't as they used,
Take reglar to the ocean.
The hinfants, darling little soles,Still cum quite frequent, bless 'em!But they is only sixpence each,Which hardly pays to dress 'em.
The hinfants, darling little soles,
Still cum quite frequent, bless 'em!
But they is only sixpence each,
Which hardly pays to dress 'em.
The reason struck me all at once,Says I, "It's my opinion,The grown-up folks no longer bathesBecause of them vile Sheenions."
The reason struck me all at once,
Says I, "It's my opinion,
The grown-up folks no longer bathes
Because of them vile Sheenions."
The last as cum drest in that style,Says, as she tuk it horf her,"I'm sure I shall not know the wayTo re-arrange my quoffur!"By which she ment the ed of air,Which call it wot they will, sir;Cum doubtless off a convict atMillbank or Pentonville, sir.The Parliament should pass a law,Which there's sufficient reason;That folks as wear the Sheenions shouldBathe reg'lar in the season.
The last as cum drest in that style,Says, as she tuk it horf her,"I'm sure I shall not know the wayTo re-arrange my quoffur!"
The last as cum drest in that style,
Says, as she tuk it horf her,
"I'm sure I shall not know the way
To re-arrange my quoffur!"
By which she ment the ed of air,Which call it wot they will, sir;Cum doubtless off a convict atMillbank or Pentonville, sir.
By which she ment the ed of air,
Which call it wot they will, sir;
Cum doubtless off a convict at
Millbank or Pentonville, sir.
The Parliament should pass a law,Which there's sufficient reason;That folks as wear the Sheenions shouldBathe reg'lar in the season.
The Parliament should pass a law,
Which there's sufficient reason;
That folks as wear the Sheenions should
Bathe reg'lar in the season.
A LANCASHIRE WATERING-PLACEA LANCASHIRE WATERING-PLACE
(Another communication from the side of the dear sea waves)
(Another communication from the side of the dear sea waves)
DEALDEAL
I was told it was greatly improved—that there were alterations in the sea-front suggestive of the best moments of the Thames Embankment—that quite "smart" people daily paraded the pier. So having had enough of "Urn-bye", I moved on. The improvements scarcely made themselves felt at the railway station. Seemingly they had not attracted what Mr. Jeames would call "the upper suckles." There were the customary British middle-class matron from Peckham, looking her sixty summers to the full in a sailor hat; the seaside warrior first cousin to the billiard-marker captain with flashy rings, beefy hands, and a stick of pantomime proportions, and the theatrical lady whose connection with the stage I imagine was confined to capering before the footlights. However, they all were there, as I had seen them any summer these twenty years.
But I had been told to go to the Pier, and so to the Pier I went, glancing on my way at the entertainers on the sands, many of whom I found to be old friends. Amongst them was the "h"-less phrenologist, whose insight into character apparently satisfied the parents of any child whose head he selected to examine. Thus, if he said that a particularly stupid-looking little boy would make a good architect, schoolmaster, or traveller for fancy goods, a gentleman in an alpaca-coat and a wide-awake hat would bow gratified acquiescence, a demonstration that would also be evoked from a lady in a dust cloak, when the lecturer insisted that a giggling little girl would make a "first-rate dressmaker and cutter-out."
Arrived at the Pier, I found there was twopence to pay for the privilege of using the extension, which included a restaurant, a band, some talented fleas, and a shop with a window partly devoted to the display of glass tumblers, engraved with legends of an amusing character, such as "Good old Mother-in-Law", "Jack's Night Cap", "Aunt Julia's Half Pint", and so on. There were a number of seats and shelters, and below the level of the shops was a landing-stage, at which twice a day two steamers from or to London removed or landed passengers. During the rest of the four-and-twenty hours it seemed to be occupied by a solitary angler, catching chiefly seaweed. The Band, in spite of its uniform, was not nearly so military as that at "Urn Bye." It contained a pianoforte—an instrument upon which I found the young gentleman who sold the programmes practising during a pause between the morning's selection and the afternoon's performances. But still the Band was a very tuneful one, and increased the pleasure that the presence of so many delightful promenaders was bound to produce. Many of the ladies who walked round and round, talking courteously to 'Arry in all his varieties, wore men'shabits,pur et simple(giving them the semblance of appearing in their shirt-sleeves), while their heads were adorned with fair wigs and sailor hats, apparently fixed on together.
These free-and-easy-looking damsels did not seem to find favour in the eyes of certain other ladies of a sedater type, who regarded them (over their novels) with undisguised contempt. These other ladies, I should think, from their conversation and appearance, must have been the very flowers of the flock of Brixton Rise, and thecrème de la crêmeof Peckham Rye society. Of course there were a number of more or less known actors and actresses from London, some of them enjoying a brief holiday, and others engaged in the less lucrative occupation of "resting."
However, the dropping of "h's", even to the accompaniment of sweet music, sooner or later becomes monotonous, and so, after awhile, I was glad to leave the Pier for the attractions of the Upper Cliff. On my way I passed a Palace of Pleasure or Varieties, or Something wherein a twopenny wax-work show seemed at the moment to be one of its greatest attractions. This show contained a Chamber of Horrors, a scene full of quiet humour of Napoleon the Third Lying in State, and an old effigy of George the Third. The collection included the waxen head of a Nonconformist minister, who, according to the lecturer, had been "wery good to the poor", preserved in a small deal-box. There was also the "Key-Dyevie" of Egypt, General Gordon, and Mrs. Maybrick. Tearing myself away from these miscellaneous memories of the past, I ascended to the East Cliff, which had still the "apartments-furnished" look that was wont to distinguish it of yore. There was no change there; and as I walked through the town, which once, as a watering-place, was second only in importance to Bath,—which a century ago had for its M.C. a rival of Beau Nash,—I could not help thinking how astonished the ghosts of the fine ladies and gentlemen who visited "Meregate" in 1789 must be, if they are able to see their successors of to-day—"Good Old Chawlie Cadd", and Miss Topsie Stuart Plantagenet,néeTompkins.
Want a donkeyBoy(to Brown, who is exceedingly proud of his sporting appearance). "Want a donkey, mister?"
Boy(to Brown, who is exceedingly proud of his sporting appearance). "Want a donkey, mister?"
NICE FOR THE VISITORS"NICE FOR THE VISITORS"(Sketch outside a fashionable hotel)
(Sketch outside a fashionable hotel)
INCORRIGIBLEINCORRIGIBLEVisitor."Well, my man, I expect it must have cost you a lot of money to paint your nose that colour!"Reprobate."Ah, an' if Oi cud affoord it, Oi'd have itvarnishednow!"
Visitor."Well, my man, I expect it must have cost you a lot of money to paint your nose that colour!"
Reprobate."Ah, an' if Oi cud affoord it, Oi'd have itvarnishednow!"
NO ACCOUNTING FOR TASTE"NO ACCOUNTING FOR TASTE"Materfamilias(just arrived at Shrimpville—the children had been down a month before). "Well, Jane, have you found it dull?"Nurse."It was at fust, M'm. There was nothink to improve the mind, M'm, till the niggers come down!!"
Materfamilias(just arrived at Shrimpville—the children had been down a month before). "Well, Jane, have you found it dull?"
Nurse."It was at fust, M'm. There was nothink to improve the mind, M'm, till the niggers come down!!"
BY THE SAD SEA WAVESBY THE SAD SEA WAVES"But, are you sure?""Yus, lady. 'E's strong as an 'orse!""But how am I to get on?""Oh,I'll lift yer!"
"But, are you sure?"
"Yus, lady. 'E's strong as an 'orse!"
"But how am I to get on?"
"Oh,I'll lift yer!"
DELICATE ATTENTIONDELICATE ATTENTIONConfiding Spinster."I'm afraid the sea is too cold for me this morning, Mr. Swabber."Bathing Man."Cold, miss! Lor' bless yer, I just took and powered a kittle o' bilin' water in to take the chill off when I see you a comin'!"
Confiding Spinster."I'm afraid the sea is too cold for me this morning, Mr. Swabber."
Bathing Man."Cold, miss! Lor' bless yer, I just took and powered a kittle o' bilin' water in to take the chill off when I see you a comin'!"
HOLIDAY PLEASURESHOLIDAY PLEASURESInjured Individual."Heigho! Ididthink I should find some refuge from the miseries of the seaside in the comforts of a bed! Just look where my feet are, Maria!"His Wife."Well, John! it'sonlyfor amonth, you know!"
Injured Individual."Heigho! Ididthink I should find some refuge from the miseries of the seaside in the comforts of a bed! Just look where my feet are, Maria!"
His Wife."Well, John! it'sonlyfor amonth, you know!"
BLIGHTED HOPESBLIGHTED HOPESExtract of letter from Laura to Lillie:—"I declare, dear, I never gave the absurd creature the slightest encouragement. I did say, one evening, I thought the little sandy coves about Wobbleswick were charming, especially one.The idea!—of his thinking I was alluding to him!"—— &c., &c.
Extract of letter from Laura to Lillie:—"I declare, dear, I never gave the absurd creature the slightest encouragement. I did say, one evening, I thought the little sandy coves about Wobbleswick were charming, especially one.The idea!—of his thinking I was alluding to him!"—— &c., &c.
SENSITIVESENSITIVE"I think I told you, in my letter of the first of October, of his absurd interpretation of an innocent remark of mine about the sandy shores of Wobbleswick. Well, would you believe it, dear! we were strolling on the Esplanade, the other day, when he suddenly left Kate and me, and took himself off in a tremendous huff because we said we liked walkingwith an object!!"[Extract from a later letter of Laura's to Lillie.
"I think I told you, in my letter of the first of October, of his absurd interpretation of an innocent remark of mine about the sandy shores of Wobbleswick. Well, would you believe it, dear! we were strolling on the Esplanade, the other day, when he suddenly left Kate and me, and took himself off in a tremendous huff because we said we liked walkingwith an object!!"
[Extract from a later letter of Laura's to Lillie.
No bathing to-dayPREHISTORIC PEEPS"No bathing to-day!"
"No bathing to-day!"
residential flatsPREHISTORIC PEEPSA Nocturne which would seem to show that "residential flats" were not wholly unknown even in primeval times!
A Nocturne which would seem to show that "residential flats" were not wholly unknown even in primeval times!
we'll have a drinkBlinks."The sun 'll be over the yard-arm in ten minutes.Thenwe'll have a drink!"Jinks."I think I'll have one while I'm waiting!"
Blinks."The sun 'll be over the yard-arm in ten minutes.Thenwe'll have a drink!"
Jinks."I think I'll have one while I'm waiting!"
TRIALS OF A CONVALESCENTTRIALS OF A CONVALESCENTTompkins(in a feeble voice, for the fourth or fifth time, with no result). "Chairman!!! chairman!!!"That Awful Boy."Lydies and gentlemen——!!"
Tompkins(in a feeble voice, for the fourth or fifth time, with no result). "Chairman!!! chairman!!!"
That Awful Boy."Lydies and gentlemen——!!"
(Paterfamilias in North Cornwall)
(Paterfamilias in North Cornwall)
man admiring view
Oh! how delightful now at last to comeAway from town—its dirt, its degradation,Its never-ending whirl, its ceaseless hum.(A long chalks better, though, than sheer stagnation.)For what could mortal man or maid want moreThan breezy downs to stroll on, rocks to climb up,Weird labyrinthine caverns to explore?(There's nothing else to do to fill the time up.)Your honest face here earns an honest brown,You ramble on for miles 'mid gorse and heather,Sheep hold athletic sports upon the down(Which makes the mutton taste as tough as leather).The place is guiltless, too, of horrid piers.And likewise is not Christy-Minstrel tooney;No soul-distressing strains disturb your ears.(A German band has just played "Annie Rooney".)The eggs as fresh as paint, the Cornish creamThe boys from school all say is "simply ripping."The butter, so the girls declare, "a dream."(The only baccy you can buy quite dripping.)A happiness of resting after strife,Where one forgets all worldly pain and sorrow,And one contentedly could pass one's life.(A telegram will takemehome to-morrow.)
Oh! how delightful now at last to comeAway from town—its dirt, its degradation,Its never-ending whirl, its ceaseless hum.(A long chalks better, though, than sheer stagnation.)
Oh! how delightful now at last to come
Away from town—its dirt, its degradation,
Its never-ending whirl, its ceaseless hum.
(A long chalks better, though, than sheer stagnation.)
For what could mortal man or maid want moreThan breezy downs to stroll on, rocks to climb up,Weird labyrinthine caverns to explore?(There's nothing else to do to fill the time up.)
For what could mortal man or maid want more
Than breezy downs to stroll on, rocks to climb up,
Weird labyrinthine caverns to explore?
(There's nothing else to do to fill the time up.)
Your honest face here earns an honest brown,You ramble on for miles 'mid gorse and heather,Sheep hold athletic sports upon the down(Which makes the mutton taste as tough as leather).
Your honest face here earns an honest brown,
You ramble on for miles 'mid gorse and heather,
Sheep hold athletic sports upon the down
(Which makes the mutton taste as tough as leather).
The place is guiltless, too, of horrid piers.And likewise is not Christy-Minstrel tooney;No soul-distressing strains disturb your ears.(A German band has just played "Annie Rooney".)
The place is guiltless, too, of horrid piers.
And likewise is not Christy-Minstrel tooney;
No soul-distressing strains disturb your ears.
(A German band has just played "Annie Rooney".)
The eggs as fresh as paint, the Cornish creamThe boys from school all say is "simply ripping."The butter, so the girls declare, "a dream."(The only baccy you can buy quite dripping.)
The eggs as fresh as paint, the Cornish cream
The boys from school all say is "simply ripping."
The butter, so the girls declare, "a dream."
(The only baccy you can buy quite dripping.)
A happiness of resting after strife,Where one forgets all worldly pain and sorrow,And one contentedly could pass one's life.(A telegram will takemehome to-morrow.)
A happiness of resting after strife,
Where one forgets all worldly pain and sorrow,
And one contentedly could pass one's life.
(A telegram will takemehome to-morrow.)
Scene: Margate Beach on Easter Monday.—First Lady."Oh, here comes a steamer. How high she is out of the water."
Second Lady."Yes, dear, but don't you see? It's because the tide's so low."
The aristocratic JonesAWKWARDThe aristocratic Jones(rather ashamed of his loud acquaintance, Brown). "You must excuse me, but if there's one thing in the world I particularly object to, it's to having anybody take my arm!"Brown."All right, old fellow!—youtakemine!"
The aristocratic Jones(rather ashamed of his loud acquaintance, Brown). "You must excuse me, but if there's one thing in the world I particularly object to, it's to having anybody take my arm!"
Brown."All right, old fellow!—youtakemine!"
Question.Is it your intention to leave London at once to benefit by the ocean breezes on the English coast?
Answer.Certainly, with the bulk of my neighbours.
Q.Then the metropolis will become empty?
A.Practically, for only about three and a half millions out of the four millions will be left behind.
Q.What do you consider the remaining residuum?
A.From a West End point of view a negligible quantity.
Q.Do not some of the Eastenders visit the seaside?
A.Yes, at an earlier period in the year, when they pay rather more for their accommodation than their neighbours of the West.
Q.How can this be, if it be assumed that the East is poorer than the West?
A.The length of the visit is governed by the weight of the purse. Belgravia stays a couple of months at Eastbourne, while three days at Margate is enough for Shoreditch.
Q.Has a sojourn by the sea waves any disadvantages?
A.Several. In the first instance, lodgings are frequently expensive and uncomfortable. Then there is always a chance that the last lodgers may have occupied their rooms as convalescents. Lastly, it is not invariably the case that the climate agrees with himself and his family.
Q.And what becomes of the house in town?
A.If abandoned to a caretaker, the reception rooms may be used by her own family as best chambers, and if let to strangers, the furniture may be injured irretrievably.
Q.But surely in the last case there would be the certainty of pecuniary indemnity?
A.Cherished relics cannot be restored by their commonplace value in money.
Q.Then, taking one thing with another, the benefit of a visit to the seaside is questionable?
A.Assuredly; and an expression of heartfelt delight at the termination of the outing and the consequent return home is the customary finish to the, styled by courtesy, holiday.
Q.But has not the seaside visit a compensating advantage?
A.The seaside visit has a compensating advantage of overwhelming proportions, which completely swallows up and effaces all suggestions of discomfort—it is the fashion.
leave me alonePARIS?"Not if I know it! Give me a quiet month at the seaside, and leave me alone, please!"
"Not if I know it! Give me a quiet month at the seaside, and leave me alone, please!"
CONVERSATIONAL PITFALLSCONVERSATIONAL PITFALLSIrene."Do you remember Kitty Fowler?"Her Friend."No, I don't."Irene."Oh, youmustremember Kitty. She was the plainest girl in Torquay. But I forgot—that was after you left!"
Irene."Do you remember Kitty Fowler?"
Her Friend."No, I don't."
Irene."Oh, youmustremember Kitty. She was the plainest girl in Torquay. But I forgot—that was after you left!"
I'm a temperance manVisitor."Have you ever seen the sea-serpent?"Boatman."No, sir. I'm a temperance man."
Visitor."Have you ever seen the sea-serpent?"
Boatman."No, sir. I'm a temperance man."
Take care of the paintSEPARATE INTERESTSHusband."Hi! Maria! Take care of the paint!"Painter."It don't matter, ma'am. It'll all 'ave to be painted again!"
Husband."Hi! Maria! Take care of the paint!"
Painter."It don't matter, ma'am. It'll all 'ave to be painted again!"
CAUTIONCAUTION TO YOUNG LADIES WHO RIDE IN CRINOLINE ON DONKEYS
it's a little too dressyMARGATEChatty Visitor."I like the place. I always come here. 'Worst of it is, it's a little too dressy!"
Chatty Visitor."I like the place. I always come here. 'Worst of it is, it's a little too dressy!"
UNLUCKY COMPLIMENTSUNLUCKY COMPLIMENTSShy but Susceptible Youth."Er—couldyou tell me who that young lady is—sketching?"Affable Stranger."She has the misfortune to be my wife!"Shy but Susceptible One(desperately anxious to please, and losing all presence of mind). "Oh—the misfortune's entirelyyours, I'msure!"
Shy but Susceptible Youth."Er—couldyou tell me who that young lady is—sketching?"
Affable Stranger."She has the misfortune to be my wife!"
Shy but Susceptible One(desperately anxious to please, and losing all presence of mind). "Oh—the misfortune's entirelyyours, I'msure!"
Brilliant Suggestion(Overheard at the Seaside).—She."So much nicer now that all the visitors have gone. Don't you think so?"
He."Yes, by Jove! So jolly nice and quiet! Often wonder thateverybodydoesn't come now when there's nobody here, don't you know!"
A NUISANCEA NUISANCE.Miss Priscilla."Yes; it's a beautiful view. But tourists are in the habit of bathing on the opposite shore, and that's rather a drawback."Fair Visitor."Dear me! but at such a distance as that—surely——"Miss Priscilla."Ah, but with atelescope, you know!"
Miss Priscilla."Yes; it's a beautiful view. But tourists are in the habit of bathing on the opposite shore, and that's rather a drawback."
Fair Visitor."Dear me! but at such a distance as that—surely——"
Miss Priscilla."Ah, but with atelescope, you know!"
Photographer taking picture
I do not mean the Kodak fiend,Who takes snap-shots of ladies dipping,And gloats o'er sundry views he's gleanedOf amatory couples "tripping."No, not these playful amateursI sing of, but the serious artist,Who spreads upon the beach his lures,What time the season's at its smartest.His tongue is glib, his terms are cheap,For ninepence while you wait he'll take you;Posterity shall, marv'lling, keepThe "tin-type" masterpiece he'll make you.What though his camera be antique,His dark-room just a nose-bag humble,What if his tripod legs are weak,And threaten constantly to tumble.No swain nor maiden can withstandHis invitation arch, insidious,To poseal frescoon the strand—Hisclientèleare not fastidious."You are so lovely", says the wretch,"Your picture will be quite entrancing!"And to the lady in the sketchI overheard him thus romancing.
I do not mean the Kodak fiend,Who takes snap-shots of ladies dipping,And gloats o'er sundry views he's gleanedOf amatory couples "tripping."
I do not mean the Kodak fiend,
Who takes snap-shots of ladies dipping,
And gloats o'er sundry views he's gleaned
Of amatory couples "tripping."
No, not these playful amateursI sing of, but the serious artist,Who spreads upon the beach his lures,What time the season's at its smartest.
No, not these playful amateurs
I sing of, but the serious artist,
Who spreads upon the beach his lures,
What time the season's at its smartest.
His tongue is glib, his terms are cheap,For ninepence while you wait he'll take you;Posterity shall, marv'lling, keepThe "tin-type" masterpiece he'll make you.
His tongue is glib, his terms are cheap,
For ninepence while you wait he'll take you;
Posterity shall, marv'lling, keep
The "tin-type" masterpiece he'll make you.
What though his camera be antique,His dark-room just a nose-bag humble,What if his tripod legs are weak,And threaten constantly to tumble.
What though his camera be antique,
His dark-room just a nose-bag humble,
What if his tripod legs are weak,
And threaten constantly to tumble.
No swain nor maiden can withstandHis invitation arch, insidious,To poseal frescoon the strand—Hisclientèleare not fastidious.
No swain nor maiden can withstand
His invitation arch, insidious,
To poseal frescoon the strand—
Hisclientèleare not fastidious.
"You are so lovely", says the wretch,"Your picture will be quite entrancing!"And to the lady in the sketchI overheard him thus romancing.
"You are so lovely", says the wretch,
"Your picture will be quite entrancing!"
And to the lady in the sketch
I overheard him thus romancing.
THE RULING PASSIONTHE RULING PASSIONSir Talbot Howard Vere de Vere."Ah! Good morning, Mrs. Jones! Dreadful accident just occurred. Poor young lady riding along the King's Road—horse took fright—reared, and fell back upon her—dreadfully injured, I'm sorry to say!"Mrs. Woodbee Swellington Jones."Quitetoo shocking, dear Sir Talbot! Was she—er—a person of position?"Sir Talbot Howard Vere de Vere."Position, by George!! Dooced uncomfortable position, too, I should say!"
Sir Talbot Howard Vere de Vere."Ah! Good morning, Mrs. Jones! Dreadful accident just occurred. Poor young lady riding along the King's Road—horse took fright—reared, and fell back upon her—dreadfully injured, I'm sorry to say!"
Mrs. Woodbee Swellington Jones."Quitetoo shocking, dear Sir Talbot! Was she—er—a person of position?"
Sir Talbot Howard Vere de Vere."Position, by George!! Dooced uncomfortable position, too, I should say!"
fetch me a babyFOR THE PUBLIC GOODBertie."Gertie, do just go back to the beach and fetch me a baby (you'll find a lot about), and I'll show you all the different ways of saving it from drowning!"
Bertie."Gertie, do just go back to the beach and fetch me a baby (you'll find a lot about), and I'll show you all the different ways of saving it from drowning!"
TYNEMOUTHTYNEMOUTH
The weather which, in Mr. Dunstable's varied experience of five-and-twenty years, he assures me, has never been so bad, having at length afforded some indications of "breaking", I make the acquaintance, through Mrs. Cobbler, of Mr. Wisterwhistle, proprietor of the one bath-chair available for the invalid of Torsington-on-Sea, who, like myself, stands in need of the salubrious air of that health-giving resort, but who is ordered by his medical adviser to secure it with the least possible expenditure of physical strength.
INDIAMAN GOING INTO PORTINDIAMAN GOING INTO PORT
Both Mr. Wisterwhistle and his chair are peculiar in their respective ways, and each has a decidedhistory. Mr. Wisterwhistle, growing confidential over his antecedents, says, "You see, sir, I wasn't brought up to the bath-chair business, so to speak, for I began in the Royal Navy, under His Majesty King William the Fourth. Then I took to the coastguard business, and having put by a matter of thirty pound odd, and hearing 'she' was in the market",—Mr. Wisterwhistle always referred to his bath-chair as 'she', evidently regarding it from the nautical stand-point as of the feminine gender,—"and knowing, saving your presence, sir, that old Bloxer, of whom I bought her, had such a good crop of cripples the last season or two, that he often touched two-and-forty shillings a week with 'em, I dropped Her Majesty's service, and took to this 'ere. But, Lor, sir, the business ain't wot it wos. Things is changed woeful at Torsington since I took her up. Then from 9 o'clock, as you might say, to 6p.m., every hour was took up; and, mind you, by real downright 'aristocracy',—real live noblemen, with gout on 'em, as thought nothink of a two hours' stretch, and didn't 'aggle, savin' your presence, over a extra sixpence for the job either way. But, bless you, wot's it come to now? Why, she might as well lay up in a dry dock arf the week, for wot's come of the downright genuine invalid, savin' your presence, blow'd if I knows. One can see, of course, sir, in arf a jiffy, as you is touched in the legs with the rheumatics, or summat like it; but besides you and a old gent on crutches from Portland Buildings, there ain't no real invalid public 'ere at all, and one can't expect to make a livin' out of you two; for if you mean to do the thing ever so 'ansome, it ain't reasonable to expect you and the old gent I was a referring to, to stand seven hours a day goin' up and down the Esplanade between you, and you see even that at a bob an hour ain't no great shakes when you come to pay for 'ousing her and keepin' her lookin' spic and span, with all her brass knobs a shining and her leather apron fresh polished with patent carriage blackin': and Lor, sir, you'd not b'lieve me if I was to tell you what a deal of show some parties expects for their one bob an hour. Why, it was only the other day that Lady Glumpley (a old party with a front of black curls and yaller bows in her bonnet, as I dare say you've noticed me a haulin' up anddown the Parade when the band's a playin'), says to me, says she, 'It ain't so much the easygoin' of your chair, Mr. Wisterwhistle, as makes me patronise it, as its general genteel appearance. For there's many a chair at Brighton that can't hold a candle to it!'" But at this point he was interrupted by the appearance of a dense crowd that half filled the street, and drew up in silent expectation opposite my front door. Dear me, I had quite forgotten I had sent for him. But the boy who cleans the boots and knives has returned, and brought with himthe One Policeman!
Query at some Fashionable Seaside Resort.—Do the unpleasant odours noticeable at certain times arise from the fact of the tide being high? If so, is the tide sometimes higher than usual, as the—ahem!—odours certainly are?
PERILPERIL!Gruff Voice(behind her—she thought she heard her own name). "She's a gettin' old, Bill, and she sartain'y ain't no beauty! But you and I'll smarten her up! Give her a good tarrin' up to the waist, and a streak o' paint, and they 'ont know her again when the folks come down a' Whitsun'. Come along, and let's ketch 'old of her, and shove her into the water fust of all!!"Miss Isabella."Oh! the horrid wretches! No policeman in sight! Nothing for it but flight!"[Is off like a bird!
Gruff Voice(behind her—she thought she heard her own name). "She's a gettin' old, Bill, and she sartain'y ain't no beauty! But you and I'll smarten her up! Give her a good tarrin' up to the waist, and a streak o' paint, and they 'ont know her again when the folks come down a' Whitsun'. Come along, and let's ketch 'old of her, and shove her into the water fust of all!!"
Miss Isabella."Oh! the horrid wretches! No policeman in sight! Nothing for it but flight!"
[Is off like a bird!
PREHISTORIC PEEPSPREHISTORIC PEEPSThere were even then quiet spots by the sea where one could be alone with Nature undisturbed
There were even then quiet spots by the sea where one could be alone with Nature undisturbed
A SENSE OF PROPERTYA SENSE OF PROPERTYBotanical Old Gent(in the Brighton Gardens). "Can you tell me, my good man, if this plant belongs to the 'Arbutus' family?"Gardener(curtly). "No, sir, it doan't. It b'longs to the Corporation!"
Botanical Old Gent(in the Brighton Gardens). "Can you tell me, my good man, if this plant belongs to the 'Arbutus' family?"
Gardener(curtly). "No, sir, it doan't. It b'longs to the Corporation!"
THE MINOR ILLS OF LIFETHE MINOR ILLS OF LIFEPortrait of a gentleman attempting to regain his tent after the morning bath
Portrait of a gentleman attempting to regain his tent after the morning bath
MERMAIDS' TOILETS IN '67MERMAIDS' TOILETS IN '67Blanche."I say, some of you, call after aunty! She has taken mychignon, and left me her horrid black one!"
Blanche."I say, some of you, call after aunty! She has taken mychignon, and left me her horrid black one!"
LOW TIDE ON SCARBOROUGH SANDSLOW TIDE ON SCARBOROUGH SANDS—BATHING UNDER DIFFICULTIESThe captain, who is well up in his classics, translates, for his Fanny's benefit, a celebrated Latin poem (by one Lucretius) to the effect that it is sweet to gaze from the cliff at the bathing machines vainly struggling to take the unfortunate bathers into deep water.
The captain, who is well up in his classics, translates, for his Fanny's benefit, a celebrated Latin poem (by one Lucretius) to the effect that it is sweet to gaze from the cliff at the bathing machines vainly struggling to take the unfortunate bathers into deep water.
SEASIDE PUZZLESEASIDE PUZZLETo find your bathing-machine if you've forgotten the number.
To find your bathing-machine if you've forgotten the number.
VENUS RISES FROM THE SEAVENUS (ANNO DOMINI 1892) RISES FROM THE SEA!!
Seaside Drama.—Mrs. de Tomkyns(sotto voce, to Mr. de T.). "Ludovic, dear, there's Algernon playing with a strange child!Doprevent it!"
Mr. de T.(ditto, to Mrs. de T.). "How on earth am I to prevent it, my love?"
Mrs. de T."Tell its parents Algernon is just recovering from scarlet fever, or something!"
Mr. de T."But it isn't true!"
Mrs. de T."Oh, never mind! Tell them, all the same!"
Mr. de T.(aloud). "Ahem! Sir, you'd better not let your little girl play with my little boy. He's only just recovering from—er—Scarlet Fever!"
Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins(together). "It's all right, sir!—so's our little gal!"