THE DONKEYS' HOLIDAY

THE DONKEYS' HOLIDAYTHE DONKEYS' HOLIDAYWith compliments to the S.P.C.A.

With compliments to the S.P.C.A.

LABELLEDLABELLED!

NAUGHTICALNAUGHTICAL?Yachting Friend (playfully)."Have you any experience of squalls, Brown?"Brown."Squalls!" (Seriously.) "My dear sir, I've brought up ten in family!"

Yachting Friend (playfully)."Have you any experience of squalls, Brown?"

Brown."Squalls!" (Seriously.) "My dear sir, I've brought up ten in family!"

SOCIAL BEINGSSOCIAL BEINGSWearied by London dissipation, the Marjoribanks Browns go, for the sake of perfect quiet, to that picturesque little watering-place, Shrimpington-super-Mare, where they trust that they will not meet a single soul they know.Oddly enough, the Cholmondeley Joneses go to the same spot with the same purpose.Now, these Joneses and Browns cordially detest each other in London, and are not even on speaking terms; yet such is the depressing effect of "perfect quiet" that, as soon as they meet at Shrimpington-super-Mare, they rush into each other's arms with a wild sense of relief!

Wearied by London dissipation, the Marjoribanks Browns go, for the sake of perfect quiet, to that picturesque little watering-place, Shrimpington-super-Mare, where they trust that they will not meet a single soul they know.

Oddly enough, the Cholmondeley Joneses go to the same spot with the same purpose.

Now, these Joneses and Browns cordially detest each other in London, and are not even on speaking terms; yet such is the depressing effect of "perfect quiet" that, as soon as they meet at Shrimpington-super-Mare, they rush into each other's arms with a wild sense of relief!

HEARTS OF OAKHEARTS OF OAKAngelina (who has never seen a revolving light before)."How patient and persevering those sailors must be, Edwin! The wind has blown that light out six times since they first lit it, and they've lighted it again each time!"

Angelina (who has never seen a revolving light before)."How patient and persevering those sailors must be, Edwin! The wind has blown that light out six times since they first lit it, and they've lighted it again each time!"

SHANKLINSHANKLIN

SCILLYSCILLY

HAYLING ISLANDHAYLING ISLAND

MUMBLESMUMBLES

send them away"Now, mind, if any of those nasty people with cameras come near, you're to send them away!"

"Now, mind, if any of those nasty people with cameras come near, you're to send them away!"

Highburybarn-on-Sea(From our Special Commissioner)

ROUNDING THE BUOYA CUTTER ROUNDING THE BUOY

Dear Mr. Punch,—This is a spot, which, according to your instructions, I reached last evening. In these same instructions you described it as "a growing place." I fancy it must be of the asparagus order, that vegetable, as you are well aware, taking three years in which to develop itself to perfection. Highburybarn-on-Sea is, I regret to say, in the first stage—judged from an asparagus point of view. I cannot entertain the enthusiastic description of the candid correspondent (I refer to the cutting forwarded by you from an eminent daily paper under the heading, "By the Golden Ocean.") He describes it as "an oasis on the desert coast of Great Britain."Far be it from me to deny the desert—all I object to is the oasis.

LimpetsLimpets

I ask you, sir, if you ever, in the course of the travels in which you have out-rivalled Stanley, Cameron, Livingstone, Harry de Windt, and, may I add, De Rougemont, ever came across an oasis, consisting of two score villas, built with scarcely baked bricks, reposing on an arid waste amid a number of tumbled-down cottages, and surmounted by a mighty workhouse-like hotel looking down on a pre-Adamite beershop?

The sky was blue, the air was fresh, the waves had retreated to sea when I arrived in a jolting omnibus at Highburybarn-on-Sea, and deposited myself and luggage at the Metropolitan Hotel. A page-boy was playing airs on a Jew's-harp when I alighted on the sand-driven steps of the hostelry. He seemed surprised at my arrival, but in most respectful fashion placed his organ of minstrelsy in his jacket pocket, the while he conveyed my Gladstonebag to my apartment, secured by an interview with an elderly dame, who gave an intelligent but very wan smile when I suggested dinner. She referred me to the head waiter. This functionary pointed in grandiose fashion to the coffee-room, wherein some artistic wall-papering wag had committed atrocities on which it would be libel to comment.

GETTING A BLOWTAKING A DIP AND GETTING A BLOW

There was only one occupant, a short clean-shaven gentleman with white hair and a red nose, who was apparently chasing space. This turned out to be a militant blue-bottle. Meantime, the head-waiter produced his bill of fare, or rather the remains of it. Nearly every dish had apparently been consumed, for the most temptingplatswere removed from themenuby a liberal application of red pencil. Finally, I decided on a fried sole and a steak. The white-haired man still pursued the blue-bottle.

I went up to my room, and after washing with nosoap I returned to the coffee-room. The blue-bottle still had the best of it. The head-waiter, after the lapse of an hour, informed me that the sole would not be long. When it arrived, I found that he spoke the truth. If you have any recollection of the repast whichPorthosendured when entertained byMadame Coquenard, you will have some notion of my feast. The head-waiter told me that some bare-legged persons who had waded into the water were shrimp-catchers. I only wished that I were one of them, for at least they found food.

BIRCHINGTONBIRCHINGTON

Later on I retired to rest. I was visited in the hours of darkness, to which I had consigned myself, by a horde of mosquitoes, imported, so I was informed in the morning, by American travellers, who never tipped the waiters. I fulfilled their obligations, still gazing on the auburn sand-drift, still looking on the sea, still feeling hungry and murmuring to myself, "Highburybarn-on-Sea would be a capital place for children, if I could only see any cows." A melancholy cocoa-nut shy by the station appeared to afford all the milk in the place.

Yours despondently,

Nibblethorpe Nobbs.

Embarrassment of Riches: Margate.—Mother."Now, Tommy, which would you rather do—have a donkey ride or watch father bathe?"

THE BATHING QUESTIONTHE BATHING QUESTIONMaster Tommy is emphatically of the opinion that the sexes ought not to bathe together.

Master Tommy is emphatically of the opinion that the sexes ought not to bathe together.

ARRIVAL OF THE SCARBY STEAMERWHITBOROUGH. LOW TIDE. ARRIVAL OF THE SCARBY STEAMER

DENUDATION"DENUDATION"Niece(after a header). "Oh, aunt, you're not coming in with your spectacles on?"Aunt Clarissa(who is not used to bathe in the "open"). "My dear, I positively won't take off anything more, I'm determined!!"

Niece(after a header). "Oh, aunt, you're not coming in with your spectacles on?"

Aunt Clarissa(who is not used to bathe in the "open"). "My dear, I positively won't take off anything more, I'm determined!!"

Bathing WomanBathing Woman."Master Franky wouldn't cry! No! Not he!—He'll come to his Martha, and bathe like a man!"

Bathing Woman."Master Franky wouldn't cry! No! Not he!—He'll come to his Martha, and bathe like a man!"

(After Wordsworth)

MOORINGSMOORINGS

O Blank new-comer! I have seen,I see thee with a start:So gentle looking a Machine,Infernal one thou art!When first the sun feels rather hot,Or even rather warm,From some dim, hibernating spotRolls forth thy clumsy form.Perhaps thou babblest to the seaOf sunshine and of flowers;Thou bringest but a thought to meOf such bad quarter hours.I, grasping tightly, pale with fear,Thy very narrow bench,Thou, bounding on in wild career,All shake, and jolt, and wrench.Till comes an unexpected stop;My forehead hits the door,And I, with cataclysmic flop,Lie on thy sandy floor.Then, dressed in Nature's simplest style,I, blushing, venture out;And find the sea is still a mileAway, or thereabout.

O Blank new-comer! I have seen,I see thee with a start:So gentle looking a Machine,Infernal one thou art!

O Blank new-comer! I have seen,

I see thee with a start:

So gentle looking a Machine,

Infernal one thou art!

When first the sun feels rather hot,Or even rather warm,From some dim, hibernating spotRolls forth thy clumsy form.

When first the sun feels rather hot,

Or even rather warm,

From some dim, hibernating spot

Rolls forth thy clumsy form.

Perhaps thou babblest to the seaOf sunshine and of flowers;Thou bringest but a thought to meOf such bad quarter hours.

Perhaps thou babblest to the sea

Of sunshine and of flowers;

Thou bringest but a thought to me

Of such bad quarter hours.

I, grasping tightly, pale with fear,Thy very narrow bench,Thou, bounding on in wild career,All shake, and jolt, and wrench.

I, grasping tightly, pale with fear,

Thy very narrow bench,

Thou, bounding on in wild career,

All shake, and jolt, and wrench.

Till comes an unexpected stop;My forehead hits the door,And I, with cataclysmic flop,Lie on thy sandy floor.

Till comes an unexpected stop;

My forehead hits the door,

And I, with cataclysmic flop,

Lie on thy sandy floor.

Then, dressed in Nature's simplest style,I, blushing, venture out;And find the sea is still a mileAway, or thereabout.

Then, dressed in Nature's simplest style,

I, blushing, venture out;

And find the sea is still a mile

Away, or thereabout.

Blithe little children on the sandLaugh out with childish glee;Their nurses, sitting near at hand,All giggling, stare at me.Unnerved, unwashed, I rush againWithin thy tranquil shade,And wait until the rising mainShall banish child and maid.Thy doors I dare not open now,Thy windows give no view;'Tis late; I will not bathe, I vow;I dress myself anew.

Blithe little children on the sandLaugh out with childish glee;Their nurses, sitting near at hand,All giggling, stare at me.

Blithe little children on the sand

Laugh out with childish glee;

Their nurses, sitting near at hand,

All giggling, stare at me.

Unnerved, unwashed, I rush againWithin thy tranquil shade,And wait until the rising mainShall banish child and maid.

Unnerved, unwashed, I rush again

Within thy tranquil shade,

And wait until the rising main

Shall banish child and maid.

Thy doors I dare not open now,Thy windows give no view;'Tis late; I will not bathe, I vow;I dress myself anew.

Thy doors I dare not open now,

Thy windows give no view;

'Tis late; I will not bathe, I vow;

I dress myself anew.

There's the sea"THALATTA! THALATTA!"General chorus(as the children's excursion nears its destination). "Oh, I say! There's the sea! 'Ooray!!"Small boy."I'll be in fust!"

General chorus(as the children's excursion nears its destination). "Oh, I say! There's the sea! 'Ooray!!"

Small boy."I'll be in fust!"

A Social ContrastI.—The Wrong Way

ILE OF MANILE OF MAN

Pater.Here at last! A nice reward for a long and tedious journey!

Mater.Well, you were always complaining in town.

Pater.Broken chairs, rickety table, and a hideous wall-paper!

Mater.Well, I didn't buy the chairs, make the table, or choose the wall-paper. Discontent is your strong point.

Pater.And is likely to remain so. Really, that German band is unbearable!

Mater.My dear, you have no ear for music. Why, you don't even care for my songs! You used to say you liked them once.

Pater.So I did—thirty years ago!

Mater.Before our marriage! And I have survived thirty years!

Pater.Eh? What do you mean by that, madam?

Mater.Anything you please. But come—dinner's ready.

Pater.Dinner! The usual thing, I suppose—underdone fish and overdone meat!

Mater.Well, I see that you are determined to make the best of everything, my dear!

Pater.I am glad you think so, my darling!

[And so they sit down to dinner.

II.—The Right Way.

Pater.Here at last! What a charming spot! A fitting sequel to a very pleasant journey!

Mater.And yet you are very fond of town!

Pater.This room reminds me of my own cozy study. Venerable chairs, a strange old table, and a quaintly-designed wall-paper.

Mater.Well, I think if I had had to furnish the house, I should have chosen the same things myself. But had they been ever so ugly, I feel sure that you would have liked them. You know, sir, that content is your strong point.

Pater.I am sure that I shall find no opportunity of getting any merit (after the fashion ofMark Tapley) for being contented in this pleasant spot. What a capital German band!

A GOAT AND TWO KIDSA GOAT AND TWO KIDS

Mater.I don't believe that you understandanything about music, sir. Why, you even pretend that you like my old songs!

Pater.And so I do. Every day I live I like them better and better. And yet I heard them for the first time thirty years ago!

Mater.When we were married! And so I have survived thirty years!

Pater.Eh? What do you mean by that, madam?

Mater.That I am a living proof that kindness never kills. How happy we have been! But come—dinner's ready.

Pater.Dinner! The usual thing, I suppose—a nice piece of fish and a juicy joint. Now, that's just what I like. So much better than our pretentious London dinners! Not that a London dinner is not very good in its proper place.

Mater.Well, I see that you are determined to make the best of everything, my dear.

Pater.I am glad you think so, my darling!

[And so they sit down to dinner.

THE CHAIN PIER, BRIGHTONAWFUL SCENE ON THE CHAIN PIER, BRIGHTONNursemaid."Lawk! There goes Charley, and he's took his mar's parasol. Whatwillmissus say?"

Nursemaid."Lawk! There goes Charley, and he's took his mar's parasol. Whatwillmissus say?"

She saw snakesTemperance Enthusiast."Look at the beautiful lives our first parents led. Do you supposetheyever gave way to strong drink?"The Reprobate."I 'xpect Eve must 'a' done. She saw snakes!"

Temperance Enthusiast."Look at the beautiful lives our first parents led. Do you supposetheyever gave way to strong drink?"

The Reprobate."I 'xpect Eve must 'a' done. She saw snakes!"

A POWERFUL QUARTETA POWERFUL QUARTET(At all events it looks and sounds like one)

(At all events it looks and sounds like one)

man on donkey.

Shingleton, near Dulborough.

Sympathising Mr. Punch,

With the desire of enjoying a few days of tranquillity and a few dips in the sea, I have arrived and taken lodgings at this "salubrious watering-place" (as the guide-books choose to call it), having heard that it was quiet, and possessed of a steep, cleanly, and bathe-inviting beach. As to the latter point, I find that fame has not beliedit; but surely with a view to tempt me into suicide, some demon must have coupled the term "quiet" with this place. Quiet! Gracious Powers of Darkness! if this be your idea of a quiet spot to live in, I wonder what, according to your notion, need be added to its tumult to make a noisy town. Here is a list of aural tortures wherewith we are tormented, which may serve by way of time-table to advertise the musical attractions of the place:—

1a.m.—Voices of the night. Revellers returning home.

1.30a.m.—Duet, "Io t'amo", squealed upon the tiles, by the famous feline vocalists Mademoiselle Minette and Signor Catterwaulini.

2a.m.—Barc-arole and chorus, "Bow wow wow" (Bach), by the Bayers of the Moon.

3a.m.—Song without words, by the early village cock.

REDCARREDCAR

3.30a.m.—Chorus by his neighbours, high and low, mingling the trebleof the Bantam with the Brahma's thorough bass.

4a.m.—Twittering of swallows, and chirping of early birds, before they go to catch their worms.

4.45a.m.—Meeting of two natives, of coursejustunder your window, who converse in a stage-whisper at the tip-top of their voices.

5a.m.—Stampede of fishermen, returning from their night's work in their heavy boots.

6a.m.—Start of shrimpers, barefooted, but occasionally bawling.

7a.m.—Shutters taken down, and small boys sally forth and shout to one another from the two ends of the street.

HEIGHT OF THE SEAS-ONENJOYING THE HEIGHT OF THE SEAS-ON

7.15a.m.—"So-holes! fine fresh so-holes!"

7.30a.m.—"Mack'reel! fower a shillun! Ma-a-ack'reel!"

8a.m.—Piano play begins, and goes on until midnight.

8.25a.m.—Barrel-organ at the corner. Banjo in the distance.

9a.m.—German band to right of you. Ophicleide out of time, clarionette out of tune.

OLD AND NEW PEERSMEETING OF THE OLD AND NEW PEERS AT BRIGHTON

9.30a.m.—"Pa-aper, mornin' pa-aper!Daily Telegraft!"

9.45a.m.—German band to left of you. Clarionette and cornet both out of time and tune.

10.15a.m.—A key-bugler and a bag-piper a dozen yards apart.

11a.m.—Performance of Punch and Toby, who barks more than is good for him.

WALTON ON THE NAZEWALTON ON THE NAZE

11.30a.m.—Bellowing black-faced ballad-bawlers, with their banjoes and their bones.

Such is our daily programme of music until noon, and such, with sundry variations, it continues until midnight. Small wonder that I have so little relish for my meals, and that, in spite of the sea air, I can hardly sleep a wink. I shall return to Town to-morrow, for surely all the street tormentors must be out of it, judging by the numbers that now plague the sad seaside.

Miserrimus.

MEAT SUPPLY"THE MEAT SUPPLY"Bathing-man."Yes, mum, he's a good old 'orse yet. And he's been in the salt water so long, he'll make capital biled beef when we're done with him!!!"

Bathing-man."Yes, mum, he's a good old 'orse yet. And he's been in the salt water so long, he'll make capital biled beef when we're done with him!!!"

Our Poetess."Do not talk to me of dinner, Edwin. I must stay by this beautiful Sea, anddrink it all in!"

Bill the Boatman."Lor! She's a thirsty one too!"

KILL TIME AT THE SEASIDEHOW TO KILL TIME AT THE SEASIDEHire bath-chairs, put the bath-chairmen inside, and drag them as fast as you can up and down the parade.

Hire bath-chairs, put the bath-chairmen inside, and drag them as fast as you can up and down the parade.

INOPPORTUNEINOPPORTUNEEnthusiast of the "No Hat Brigade"(to elderly gentleman, who has just lost his hat). "Fine idea this, sir, for the hair, eh?"

Enthusiast of the "No Hat Brigade"(to elderly gentleman, who has just lost his hat). "Fine idea this, sir, for the hair, eh?"

Beauty and the BeastJones."Hullo, Brown, what's the matter with you and Mrs. Brown?"Brown."Matter? Why, do you know what they call us down here? They call us Beauty and the Beast! Now I should like to know what my poor wife has done to get such a name as that!"

Jones."Hullo, Brown, what's the matter with you and Mrs. Brown?"

Brown."Matter? Why, do you know what they call us down here? They call us Beauty and the Beast! Now I should like to know what my poor wife has done to get such a name as that!"

cartoon

I sat on a slippery rock,In the grey cliff's opal shade,And the wanton waves went curvetting byLike a roystering cavalcade.And they doffed their crested plumes,As they kissed the blushing sand,Till her rosy face dimpled over with smilesAt the tricks of the frolicsome band.Then the kittywake laughed, "Ha! ha!"And the sea-mew wailed with pain,As she sailed away on the shivering windTo her home o'er the surging main.And the jelly-fish quivered with rage,While the dog-crabs stood by to gaze,And the star-fish spread all her fingers abroad,And sighed for her grandmothers' days.

I sat on a slippery rock,

In the grey cliff's opal shade,

And the wanton waves went curvetting by

Like a roystering cavalcade.

And they doffed their crested plumes,

As they kissed the blushing sand,

Till her rosy face dimpled over with smiles

At the tricks of the frolicsome band.

Then the kittywake laughed, "Ha! ha!"And the sea-mew wailed with pain,As she sailed away on the shivering windTo her home o'er the surging main.And the jelly-fish quivered with rage,While the dog-crabs stood by to gaze,And the star-fish spread all her fingers abroad,And sighed for her grandmothers' days.

Then the kittywake laughed, "Ha! ha!"

And the sea-mew wailed with pain,

As she sailed away on the shivering wind

To her home o'er the surging main.

And the jelly-fish quivered with rage,

While the dog-crabs stood by to gaze,

And the star-fish spread all her fingers abroad,

And sighed for her grandmothers' days.

cartoon

And the curlew screamed, "Fie! fie!"And the great gull groaned at the sight,And the albatross rose and fled with a shriekTo her nest on the perilous height.

And the curlew screamed, "Fie! fie!"

And the great gull groaned at the sight,

And the albatross rose and fled with a shriek

To her nest on the perilous height.

* * * * *

Good gracious! the place where I satWith sea-water was rapidly filling,And a hoarse voice cried, "Sir, you're caught by the tide!And I'll carry ye off for a shilling!"

Good gracious! the place where I sat

With sea-water was rapidly filling,

And a hoarse voice cried, "Sir, you're caught by the tide!

And I'll carry ye off for a shilling!"

SCENT BEESSCENT BEES

A SAIL OVER THE BAYA SAIL OVER THE BAY

"Local Colour."—Place: South Parade, Cheapenham-on-Sea.—Edith."Mabel dear, would you get meBaedeker's Switzerlandand the last Number of theWorld."

Mabel."What do you wantthemfor?"

Edith."Oh, I'm writing letters, and we're in the Engadine, you know, and I just want to describe some of our favourite haunts, and mention a few of the people who are staying there—here, I mean."

OOh dreary, dreary, dreary me!My jaw is sore with yawning—I'm weary of the dreary sea,With its roaring beachWhere sea-gulls screech,And shrimpers shrimp,And limpets limp,And winkles wink,And trousers shrink;And the groaning, moaning, droning tideGoes splashing and dashing from side to side,With all its might, from morn to night,And from night to morning's dawning.

Oh dreary, dreary, dreary me!

My jaw is sore with yawning—

I'm weary of the dreary sea,

With its roaring beach

Where sea-gulls screech,

And shrimpers shrimp,

And limpets limp,

And winkles wink,

And trousers shrink;

And the groaning, moaning, droning tide

Goes splashing and dashing from side to side,

With all its might, from morn to night,

And from night to morning's dawning.

II.

The shore's a flood of puddly mud,And the rocks are limy and slimy—And I've tumbled down with a thud—good lud!—And I fear I swore,For something tore;And my shoes are fullOf the stagnant pool;And hauling, sprawling, crawling crabsHave got in my socks with starfish and dabs;And my pockets are swarming with polypes and prawns,And noisome beasts with shells and horns,That scrunch and scrape, and goggle and gape,Are up my sleeve, I firmly believe—And I'm horribly rimy and grimy.

The shore's a flood of puddly mud,

And the rocks are limy and slimy—

And I've tumbled down with a thud—good lud!—

And I fear I swore,

For something tore;

And my shoes are full

Of the stagnant pool;

And hauling, sprawling, crawling crabs

Have got in my socks with starfish and dabs;

And my pockets are swarming with polypes and prawns,

And noisome beasts with shells and horns,

That scrunch and scrape, and goggle and gape,

Are up my sleeve, I firmly believe—

And I'm horribly rimy and grimy.

III.

I'm sick of the strand, and the sand, and the band,And the niggers and jiggers and dodgers;And the cigars of rather doubtful brand;And my landlady's "rights",And the frequent fightsOn wretched pointsOf ends of joints,Which disappear, with my brandy and beer,In a way that, to say the least, is queer.And to mingle among the throng I long,And to poke my joke and warble my song—But there's no one nearOn sands or pier,For everyone's gone and I'm left alone,The Last of the Seaside Lodgers!

I'm sick of the strand, and the sand, and the band,

And the niggers and jiggers and dodgers;

And the cigars of rather doubtful brand;

And my landlady's "rights",

And the frequent fights

On wretched points

Of ends of joints,

Which disappear, with my brandy and beer,

In a way that, to say the least, is queer.

And to mingle among the throng I long,

And to poke my joke and warble my song—

But there's no one near

On sands or pier,

For everyone's gone and I'm left alone,

The Last of the Seaside Lodgers!

Note by Our Man Out of Town—Watering places—resorts where the visitor is pumped dry.

A STARTLING PROPOSITIONA STARTLING PROPOSITIONSeedy Individual(suddenly and with startling vigour)—"Aoh! Floy with me ercross ther sea,Ercross ther dork lergoon!!"

Seedy Individual(suddenly and with startling vigour)—

"Aoh! Floy with me ercross ther sea,Ercross ther dork lergoon!!"

"Aoh! Floy with me ercross ther sea,

Ercross ther dork lergoon!!"

CROWDED STATE OF LODGING HOUSESCROWDED STATE OF LODGING HOUSESLodging-House Keeper."On'y this room to let, mem. A four-post—a tent—and a very comfortable double-bedded chest of drawers for the young gentlemen."

Lodging-House Keeper."On'y this room to let, mem. A four-post—a tent—and a very comfortable double-bedded chest of drawers for the young gentlemen."

FILEYFILEY

Why does not some benefactor to his species discover and publish to a grateful world some rational way of spending a wet day at the seaside? Why should it be something so unutterably miserable and depressing that its mere recollection afterwards makes one shudder?

This is the first really wet day that we have had for a fortnight, but what a day! From morn to dewy eve, a summer's day, and far into the black night, the pitiless rain has poured and poured and poured. I broke the unendurable monotony of gazing from the weeping windows of my seaside lodging, by rushing out wildly and plunging madly into the rainy sea, and got drenched to the skin both going and returning. After changing everything, as people say but don't mean, and thinking I saw something like a break in the dull leaden clouds, I again rushed out, and called on Jones, who has rooms in an adjacent terrace, and, with some difficulty, persuaded him to accompany me to the only billiard table in the miserable place. We both got gloriously wet on our way to this haven of amusement, and were received with the pleasing intelligence that it was engaged by a private party of two, who had taken it until the rain ceased, and, when that most improbable event happened, two other despairing lodgers had secured the reversion. Another rush home, another drenching, another change of everything, except the weather, brought the welcome sight of dinner, over which we fondly lingered for nearly two mortal hours.

But one cannot eat all day long, even at the seaside on a wet day, and accordingly at four o'clock I was again cast upon my own resources.

I received, I confess, a certain amount of grim satisfaction at seeing Brown—Bumptious Brown, as we call him in the City, he being a common councilman, or a liveryman, or something of that kind—pass by in a fly, with heaps of luggage and children, all looking so depressingly wet,—and if he had not the meanness to bring with him, in a half-dozen hamper,six bottles of his abominable Gladstone claret! He grinned at me as he passed, like a Chester cat, I think they call that remarkable animal, and I afterwards learnt the reason. He had been speculating for a rise in wheat, and, as he vulgarly said, the rain suited his book, and he only hoped it would last for a week or two! Ah! the selfishness of some men! What cared he about my getting wet through twice in one day, so long as it raised the price of his wretched wheat?

SECURING A LIVELY-HOODBOATMAN SECURING A LIVELY-HOOD

My wife coolly recommended me to read the second volume of a new novel she had got from the Library, called, I think,East Glynne, or some such name, but how can a man read in a room with four stout healthy boys and a baby, especially when the said baby is evidently very uncomfortable, and the four boys are playing at leap-frog? Women have this wonderful faculty, my wife to a remarkable extent. I have often, with unfeigned astonishment, seen her apparently lost in the sentimental troubles of some imaginary heroine, while the noisy domestic realities around her have gone on unheeded.

I again took my place at the window, and gazed upon the melancholy sea, and remembered, with a smile of bitter irony, how I had agreed to pay an extra guinea a week for the privilege of facing the sea!—and such a sea! It was, of course, very low water—it generally is at this charming place; and the sea had retired to its extremest distance, as if utterly ashamed of its dull, damp, melancholy appearance. And there stood that ridiculous apology for a pier, with its long, lanky, bandy legs, on which I have been dragged every evening to hear the band play. Such a band! The poor wheezy cornet was bad enough, but the trombone, with its two notes that it jerked out like the snorts of a starting train, was a caution. Oh! that poor "Sweetheart", with which we were favoured every evening! I always pictured her to myself sitting at a window listening, enraptured, to a serenade from that trombone!

But there's no band to-night, not a solitary promenader on the bandy-legged pier, I even doubt if the pier master is sitting as usual at the receipt of custom, and I pull down the blind, to shut out the miserable prospect, with such an energetic jerk that I bring down the whole complicated machinery, and nearly frighten baby into a fit, while the four irreverent boys indulge in a loud guffaw.

Thank goodness, on Saturday I exchange our miserable, wheezy, asthmatic band for the grand orchestra of the Covent Garden Promenade Concerts, and the awful perfume of rotten seaweed for the bracing atmosphere of glorious London.

An Outsider.

ON HIS HONEYMOON TOOON HIS HONEYMOON TOO!Man with Sand Ponies."Now then, Mister, you an' the young lady, a pony apiece? 'Ere y'are!"Snobley(loftily). "Aw—I'm not accustomed to that class of animal."Man(readily). "Ain't yer, sir? Ne' mind." (To boy.) "'Ere, Bill, look sharp! Gent'll have a donkey!"

Man with Sand Ponies."Now then, Mister, you an' the young lady, a pony apiece? 'Ere y'are!"

Snobley(loftily). "Aw—I'm not accustomed to that class of animal."

Man(readily). "Ain't yer, sir? Ne' mind." (To boy.) "'Ere, Bill, look sharp! Gent'll have a donkey!"

LOW-TIEDLOW-TIEDROCKSROCKSSEE-WEEDSEE-WEEDMUSCLE GATHERERSMUSCLE GATHERERSA KNAW WESTERA KNAW WESTERHIGH TIEDHIGH TIED

LOW-TIEDLOW-TIED

ROCKSROCKS

SEE-WEEDSEE-WEED

MUSCLE GATHERERSMUSCLE GATHERERS

A KNAW WESTERA KNAW WESTER

HIGH TIEDHIGH TIED

LIFE WOULD BE PLEASANTLIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT, BUT FOR ITS "PLEASURES."—Sir Cornewall LewisIn consequence of the English watering-places being crowded, people are glad to find sleeping accommodation in the bathing-machines.Boots(from Jones's Hotel). "I've brought your shaving water, sir; and you'll please to take care of your boots on the steps, gents: the tide's just a comin' in!"

In consequence of the English watering-places being crowded, people are glad to find sleeping accommodation in the bathing-machines.

Boots(from Jones's Hotel). "I've brought your shaving water, sir; and you'll please to take care of your boots on the steps, gents: the tide's just a comin' in!"

RETURNING HOMERETURNING HOME FROM THE SEASIDEAll the family have colds, except the under-nurse, who has a face-ache. Poor materfamilias, who originated the trip, is in despair at all the money spent for nothing, and gives way to tears. Paterfamilias endeavours to console her with the reflection that "heknew how it would be, but that, after all, St. John's Wood, where they live, is such a healthy place that, with care and doctoring, theywill soon be nearly as well as if they had never left it!"[Two gay bachelors may be seen contemplating paterfamilias and his little group. Their interest is totally untinged with envy.

All the family have colds, except the under-nurse, who has a face-ache. Poor materfamilias, who originated the trip, is in despair at all the money spent for nothing, and gives way to tears. Paterfamilias endeavours to console her with the reflection that "heknew how it would be, but that, after all, St. John's Wood, where they live, is such a healthy place that, with care and doctoring, theywill soon be nearly as well as if they had never left it!"

[Two gay bachelors may be seen contemplating paterfamilias and his little group. Their interest is totally untinged with envy.

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