Scarcely anybodyA Soft Answer.Papa(literary, who has given orders he is not to be disturbed). "Who is it?"Little Daughter."Scarcely anybody, dear papa!"
Papa(literary, who has given orders he is not to be disturbed). "Who is it?"
Little Daughter."Scarcely anybody, dear papa!"
SECRETS OF LITERARY COMPOSITIONTHE SECRETS OF LITERARY COMPOSITIONThe Fair Authoress of "Passionate Pauline," gazing fondly at her own reflection, writes as follows:—"I look into the glass, reader. What do I see?"I see a pair of laughing,espiègle, forget-me-not blue eyes, saucy and defiant; amutinelittle rose-bud of a mouth, with its ever-mockingmoue; a tiny shell-like ear, trying to play hide-and-seek in a tangled maze of rebellious russet gold; while, from underneath the satin folds of arose-thédressing-gown, a dainty foot peeps coyly forth in its exquisitely-pointed gold morocco slipper," &c., &c.(Vide "Passionate Pauline", by Parbleu.)
The Fair Authoress of "Passionate Pauline," gazing fondly at her own reflection, writes as follows:—
"I look into the glass, reader. What do I see?
"I see a pair of laughing,espiègle, forget-me-not blue eyes, saucy and defiant; amutinelittle rose-bud of a mouth, with its ever-mockingmoue; a tiny shell-like ear, trying to play hide-and-seek in a tangled maze of rebellious russet gold; while, from underneath the satin folds of arose-thédressing-gown, a dainty foot peeps coyly forth in its exquisitely-pointed gold morocco slipper," &c., &c.
(Vide "Passionate Pauline", by Parbleu.)
A DISTINCTIONA DISTINCTIONFirst Gourmet."That was Mr. Dobbs I just nodded to."Second Gourmet."I know."First G."He asked me to dine at his house next Thursday—but I can't. Ever dined at Dobbs's?"Second G."No. Neverdined. But I've been there to dinner!"
First Gourmet."That was Mr. Dobbs I just nodded to."
Second Gourmet."I know."
First G."He asked me to dine at his house next Thursday—but I can't. Ever dined at Dobbs's?"
Second G."No. Neverdined. But I've been there to dinner!"
A genuine TurnerAuctioneer."Lot 52. A genuine Turner. Painted during the artist's lifetime. What offers, gentlemen?"
Auctioneer."Lot 52. A genuine Turner. Painted during the artist's lifetime. What offers, gentlemen?"
Shop!Millionaire(who has been shown into fashionable artist's studio, and has been kept waiting a few minutes). "Shop!"
Millionaire(who has been shown into fashionable artist's studio, and has been kept waiting a few minutes). "Shop!"
WHAT'S in the pot mustn't be told to the pan.
There's a mouth for every muffin.
A clear soup and no flavour.
As drunk as a daisy.
All rind and no cheese.
Set a beggar on horseback, and he will cheat the livery-stable keeper.
There's a B in every bonnet.
Two-and-six of one and half-a-crown of the other.
The insurance officer dreads a fire.
First catch your heir, then hook him.
Every plum has its pudding.
Short pipes make long smokes.
It's a long lane that has no blackberries.
Wind and weather come together.
A flower in the button-hole is worth two on the bush.
Round robin is a shy bird.
There's a shiny lining to every hat.
The longest dinner will come to an end.
You must take the pips with the orange.
It's a wise dentist that knows his own teeth.
No rose without a gardener.
Better to marry in May than not to marry at all.
Save sovereigns, spend guineas.
Too many followers spoil the cook. (N.B. This isnotnonsense.)
Profusely decorated with cutsProfusely decorated with cuts
Said at the Academy.—Punchdoesn't carewhosaid it. It was extremely rude to call the commission on capital punishments the hanging committee.
The Grammar of Art.—"Art," spell it with a big or little "a", can never come first in any well-educated person's ideas. "I am" must have the place of honour; then "Thou Art!" so apostrophised, comes next.
Been to see the old masters?Scrumble."Been to see the old masters?"Stippleton(who has married money). "No. Fact is"—(sotto voce)—"I've got quite enough on my hands with the old missus!"
Scrumble."Been to see the old masters?"
Stippleton(who has married money). "No. Fact is"—(sotto voce)—"I've got quite enough on my hands with the old missus!"
TWO OLD MASTERS OF ARTSTWO OLD MASTERS OF ARTS
Question.Has the anxious parent been to see his child's portrait?
Answer.He has seen it.
Q.Did he approve of it?
A.He will like it better when I have made some slight alterations.
Q.What are they?
A.He would like the attitude of the figure altered, the position of the arms changed, the face turned the other way, the hair and eyes made a different colour, and the expression of the mouth improved.
Q.Did he make any other suggestions?
A.Yes; he wishes to have the child's favourite pony and Newfoundland dog put in, with an indication of the ancestral home in the back-ground.
Q.Is he willing to pay anything extra for these additions?
A.He does not consider it necessary.
Q.Are you well on with your Academy picture?
A.No; but I began the charcoal sketch yesterday.
Q.Have you secured the handsome model?
A.No; the handsome model has been permanently engaged by the eminent R.A.
Q.Under these circumstances, do you still expect to get finished in time?
A.Yes; I have been at this stage in February for as many years as I can remember, and have generally managed to worry through somehow.
Wheneverthe "Reduced Prizefighters" take a benefit at a theatre, the play should beThe Miller and his Men.
A Nice Man.—Mr. Swiggins was a sot. He was also a sloven. He never had anything neat about him but gin.
Under a great masterUnder a great master
THE WARRIOR BOLDTHE WARRIOR BOLDSONGS AND THEIR SINGERS
THE GAY TOM TITTHE GAY TOM TITSONGS AND THEIR SINGERS
"Hung, Drawn, and Quartered."—(Mr. Punch's sentence on three-fourths of the Academicians' work "on the line.")—Very well "hung"; very ill "drawn"; a great deal better "quartered" than it deserves.
The Spirit of the Age.—Gin.
The Spirit of the Age.—Gin.
WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST"WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST"When he magnanimously consents to go on the platform at a conjuring performance, and unwonted objects are produced from his inside pockets.
When he magnanimously consents to go on the platform at a conjuring performance, and unwonted objects are produced from his inside pockets.
Celebrated Minor PoetCelebrated Minor Poet."Ah, hostess, how 'do? Did you get my book I sent you yesterday?"Hostess."Delightful!I couldn't sleep till I'd read it!"
Celebrated Minor Poet."Ah, hostess, how 'do? Did you get my book I sent you yesterday?"
Hostess."Delightful!I couldn't sleep till I'd read it!"
The Infant ProdigyThe Infant Prodigy has reached the middle of an exceedingly difficult pianoforte solo, and one of those dramatic pauses of which the celebrated composer is so fond has occurred. Kindly but undiscerning old Lady."Play something you know, dearie."
The Infant Prodigy has reached the middle of an exceedingly difficult pianoforte solo, and one of those dramatic pauses of which the celebrated composer is so fond has occurred. Kindly but undiscerning old Lady."Play something you know, dearie."
At a Fencing "At HomeAt a Fencing "At Home."Distinguished Foreigner(hero of a hundred duels). "It is delightful, mademoiselle. You English are a sporting nation."Fair Member."So glad you are enjoying it. By the way, Monsieur le Marquis, have they introduced fencing into France yet?"
Distinguished Foreigner(hero of a hundred duels). "It is delightful, mademoiselle. You English are a sporting nation."
Fair Member."So glad you are enjoying it. By the way, Monsieur le Marquis, have they introduced fencing into France yet?"
In the Cause of ArtIn the Cause of Art.Patron."When are yer goin' to start my wife's picture and mine? 'Cause, when the 'ouse is up we're a goin'——"Artist."Oh, I'll get the canvases at once, and——"Patron(millionaire). "Canvas! 'Ang it!—none o' yer canvas for me! Price is no objec'! I can afford to pay for something better than canvas!!" [Tableau!
Patron."When are yer goin' to start my wife's picture and mine? 'Cause, when the 'ouse is up we're a goin'——"
Artist."Oh, I'll get the canvases at once, and——"
Patron(millionaire). "Canvas! 'Ang it!—none o' yer canvas for me! Price is no objec'! I can afford to pay for something better than canvas!!" [Tableau!
GratifyingGratifying!Amateur Artist(to the carrier). "Did you see my picture safely delivered at the Royal Academy?"Carrier."Yessir, and mighty pleased they seemed to be with it—leastways, if one may jedge, sir. They didn't say nothin'—but—lor' how they did laugh!"
Amateur Artist(to the carrier). "Did you see my picture safely delivered at the Royal Academy?"
Carrier."Yessir, and mighty pleased they seemed to be with it—leastways, if one may jedge, sir. They didn't say nothin'—but—lor' how they did laugh!"
I don't know what a Botticelli isArtist(who has recommended model to a friend). "Have you been to sit to Mr. Jones yet?"Model."Well, I've been to see him; but directly I got into his studio, 'Why,' he said, 'you've got a head like a Botticelli.' I don't know what a Botticelli is, but I didn't go there to be called names, so I come away!"
Artist(who has recommended model to a friend). "Have you been to sit to Mr. Jones yet?"
Model."Well, I've been to see him; but directly I got into his studio, 'Why,' he said, 'you've got a head like a Botticelli.' I don't know what a Botticelli is, but I didn't go there to be called names, so I come away!"
That is a picture of our churchArt Student(engaging rooms). "What is that?"Landlady."That is a picture of our church done in wool by my daughter, sir. She's subject to art, too."
Art Student(engaging rooms). "What is that?"
Landlady."That is a picture of our church done in wool by my daughter, sir. She's subject to art, too."
"I always buy your paper my dear Horace," said the old lady, "although there is much in it I cannot approve of. But there is one thing that puzzles me extremely."
"Yes, aunt?" said the Sub-Editor meekly, as he sipped his tea.
"Why, I notice that the contents bill invariably has one word calculated to stimulate the morbid curiosity of the reader. An adjective."
"Circulation depends upon adjectives," said the Sub-Editor.
"I don't think I object to them," the old lady replied; "but what I want you to tell me is how you choose them. How do you decide whether an occurrence is 'remarkable' or 'extraordinary,' 'astounding' or 'exciting,' 'thrilling' or 'alarming,' 'sensational' or merely 'strange,' 'startling' or 'unique'? What tells you which word to use?"
"Well, aunt, we have a system to indicate the adjective to a nicety; but——"
"My dear Horace, I will never breathe a word.You should know that. No one holds the secrets of the press more sacred than I."
The Sub-Editor settled himself more comfortably in his chair.
"You see, aunt, the great thing in an evening paper is human interest. What we want to get is news to hit the man-in-the-street. Everything that we do is done for the man-in-the-street. And therefore we keep safely locked up in a little room a tame man of this description. He may not be much to look at, but his sympathies are right, unerringly right. He sits there from nine till six, and has things to eat now and then. We call him the Thrillometer."
"How wonderful! How proud you should be Horace, to be a part of this mighty mechanism, the press."
"I am, aunt. Well, the duties of the Thrillometer are very simple. Directly a piece of news comes in, it is the place of one of the Sub-Editors to hurry to the Thrillometer's room and read it to him. I have to do this."
"Poor boy. You are sadly overworked, I fear."
"Yes, aunt. And while I read I watch his face, Long study has told me exactly what degree of interest is excited within him by the announcement. I know instantly whether his expression means 'phenomenal' or only 'remarkable,' whether 'distressing' or only 'sad,' whether——"
"Is there so much difference between 'distressing' and 'sad,' Horace?"
"Oh, yes, aunt. A suicide in Half Moon Streetis 'distressing'; in the City Road it is only 'sad.' Again, a raid on a club in Whitechapel is of no account; but a raid on a West-End club is worth three lines of large type in the bill, above Fry's innings."
"Do you mean a club in Soho when you say West-End?"
"Yes, aunt, as a rule."
"But why do you call that the West-End?"
"That was the Thrillometer's doing, aunt. He fell asleep over a club raid, and a very good one too, when I said it was in Soho; but when I toldhim of the next—also in Soho, chiefly Italian waiters—and said it was in the West-End, his eyes nearly came out of his head. So you see how useful the Thrillometer can be."
"Most ingenious, Horace. Was this your idea?"
"Yes, aunt."
"Clever boy. And have the other papers adopted it?"
"Yes, aunt. All of them."
"Then you are growing rich, Horace?"
"No, no, aunt, not at all. Unfortunately I lack the business instinct. Other people grow rich on my ideas. In fact, so far from being rich, I was going to venture to ask you——"
"Tell me more about the Thrillometer," said the old lady briskly.
THE WRESTLING MATCHAT THE WRESTLING MATCH.Enthusiastic Old Gent."Go on, sonny! Stick 'old of 's 'ead."
Enthusiastic Old Gent."Go on, sonny! Stick 'old of 's 'ead."
All the way from the National GalleryUnto the Royal AcademyAs I walked, I was guilty of raillery,Which I felt was very bad o' me.Thinking of art's disasters,Still sinking to deeper abysses,I said, "From the Old MastersWhy go to the new misses?"
All the way from the National GalleryUnto the Royal AcademyAs I walked, I was guilty of raillery,Which I felt was very bad o' me.
All the way from the National Gallery
Unto the Royal Academy
As I walked, I was guilty of raillery,
Which I felt was very bad o' me.
Thinking of art's disasters,Still sinking to deeper abysses,I said, "From the Old MastersWhy go to the new misses?"
Thinking of art's disasters,
Still sinking to deeper abysses,
I said, "From the Old Masters
Why go to the new misses?"
PREHISTORIC PEEPSPREHISTORIC PEEPSA visit to an artist's studio.
A visit to an artist's studio.
Awfully jolly concertHe."Awfully jolly concert, wasn't it? Awfully jolly thing by that fellow—what's his name?—something like Doorknob."She."Doorknob!Whomdoyou mean? I only know of Beethoven, Mozart, Wagner, Handel——"He."That's it! Handel. I knew it was something you caught hold of!"
He."Awfully jolly concert, wasn't it? Awfully jolly thing by that fellow—what's his name?—something like Doorknob."
She."Doorknob!Whomdoyou mean? I only know of Beethoven, Mozart, Wagner, Handel——"
He."That's it! Handel. I knew it was something you caught hold of!"
OUR ARTISTOUR ARTIST"If you please, sir, here's the printer's boy called again!""Oh, bother! Say I'm busy."
"If you please, sir, here's the printer's boy called again!"
"Oh, bother! Say I'm busy."
Tis hard to give the hand"'Tis hard to give the hand where the heart canneverbe!"SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS
Only this"Only this"SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS
Horse DealerHorse Dealer."Did that little mare I sold you do for you, sir?"Nervous Horseman."Nearly!"
Horse Dealer."Did that little mare I sold you do for you, sir?"
Nervous Horseman."Nearly!"
Optics"Optics."Lecturer."Now let anyone gaze steadfastly on any object—say, for instance, his wife's eye—and he'll see himself looking so exceedingly small, that——"Strong-minded Lady(in front row). "Hear! Hear! Hear!"
Lecturer."Now let anyone gaze steadfastly on any object—say, for instance, his wife's eye—and he'll see himself looking so exceedingly small, that——"
Strong-minded Lady(in front row). "Hear! Hear! Hear!"
After the Fair"After the Fair." (Country cousin comes up in August to see the exhibition of pictures at the Royal Academy!).—Porter."Bless yer 'art, we're closed!"Country Cousin."Closed! What! didn't it pay?!!"
"After the Fair." (Country cousin comes up in August to see the exhibition of pictures at the Royal Academy!).—Porter."Bless yer 'art, we're closed!"
Country Cousin."Closed! What! didn't it pay?!!"
we see you so seldomJones."How is it we see you so seldom at the club now?"Old Member."Ah, well, you see, I'm not so young as I was; and I've had a good deal of worry lately; and so, what with one thing and another, I've grown rather fond of my own society."Jones."Epicure!"
Jones."How is it we see you so seldom at the club now?"
Old Member."Ah, well, you see, I'm not so young as I was; and I've had a good deal of worry lately; and so, what with one thing and another, I've grown rather fond of my own society."
Jones."Epicure!"
The True Inwardness of Art.—Photographs by the Röntgen rays.
The True Inwardness of Art.—Photographs by the Röntgen rays.
Man who has a Turn for Music.—An organ-grinder.
Man who has a Turn for Music.—An organ-grinder.
The Phonograph Cannot LieThe Phonograph Cannot Lie.German Dealer"Now, mein Herr! You've chust heerd your lofely blaying rebroduced to berfection! Won't you buy one?"Amateur Flautist."Are you sure the thing's all right?"German Dealer."Zertainly, mein Herr."Amateur Flautist."Gad, then, if that's what my playing is like, I'm done with the flute for ever."
German Dealer"Now, mein Herr! You've chust heerd your lofely blaying rebroduced to berfection! Won't you buy one?"
Amateur Flautist."Are you sure the thing's all right?"
German Dealer."Zertainly, mein Herr."
Amateur Flautist."Gad, then, if that's what my playing is like, I'm done with the flute for ever."
Private Inquiry.Private Inquiry.Surveyor of Taxes(to literary gent). "But surely you can arrive at some estimate of the amount received by you during the past three years for example. Don't you keep books?"Literary Gent.(readily). "Oh dear no. I write them!"Surveyor."Ahem—I mean you've got some sort of accounts——"Literary Gent."Oh yes, lots"—(Surveyor brightens up)—"unpaid!"
Surveyor of Taxes(to literary gent). "But surely you can arrive at some estimate of the amount received by you during the past three years for example. Don't you keep books?"
Literary Gent.(readily). "Oh dear no. I write them!"
Surveyor."Ahem—I mean you've got some sort of accounts——"
Literary Gent."Oh yes, lots"—(Surveyor brightens up)—"unpaid!"
a boy wants to see you"There's a boy wants to see you, sir." "Has he got a bill in his hand?" "No, sir." "Then he's got it in his pocket! Send him away!"
"There's a boy wants to see you, sir." "Has he got a bill in his hand?" "No, sir." "Then he's got it in his pocket! Send him away!"
best thing I've ever paintedWhat our Artist has to put up with.He."By Jove, it's the best thing I've ever painted!—and I'll tell you what; I've a good mind to give it to Mary Morison for her wedding present!"His Wifey."Oh, but, my love, the Morisons have always beensohospitable to us! You ought to give her arealpresent, you know—a fan, or a scent-bottle, or something of that sort!"
He."By Jove, it's the best thing I've ever painted!—and I'll tell you what; I've a good mind to give it to Mary Morison for her wedding present!"
His Wifey."Oh, but, my love, the Morisons have always beensohospitable to us! You ought to give her arealpresent, you know—a fan, or a scent-bottle, or something of that sort!"
TRIUMPHTRIUMPHFrame Maker(in ecstasies). "By Jove! Jemima—every one of 'em on the line again!"
Frame Maker(in ecstasies). "By Jove! Jemima—every one of 'em on the line again!"
Mr. Punch, having read the latest book on the way to write for the press, feels that there is at least one important subject not properly explained therein: to wit, the covering letter. He therefore proceeds to supplement this and similar books.... It is, however, when your story is written that the difficulties begin. Having selected a suitable editor, you send him your contribution accompanied by a covering letter. The writing of this letter is the most important part of the whole business. One story, after all, is very much like another (in your case, probably, exactly like another), but you can at least in your covering letter show that you are a person of originality.
Your letter must be one of three kinds: pleading, peremptory, or corruptive. I proceed to give examples of each.
199,Berkeley Square, W.Dear Mr. Editor,—I have a wife and seven starving children; can you possibly help us byaccepting this little story of only 18,000 (eighteen thousand) words? Not only would you be doing a work of charity to one who has suffered much, but you would also, I venture to say, be conferring a real benefit upon English literature—as I have already received the thanks of no fewer than thirty-three editors for having allowed them to peruse this manuscript.Yours humbly,The McHardy.P.S.—My youngest boy, aged three, pointed to his little sister's Gazeka toy last night and cried "De editor!" These are literally the first words that have passed his lips for three days. Can you stand by and see the children starve?
199,Berkeley Square, W.
Dear Mr. Editor,—I have a wife and seven starving children; can you possibly help us byaccepting this little story of only 18,000 (eighteen thousand) words? Not only would you be doing a work of charity to one who has suffered much, but you would also, I venture to say, be conferring a real benefit upon English literature—as I have already received the thanks of no fewer than thirty-three editors for having allowed them to peruse this manuscript.
Yours humbly,
The McHardy.
P.S.—My youngest boy, aged three, pointed to his little sister's Gazeka toy last night and cried "De editor!" These are literally the first words that have passed his lips for three days. Can you stand by and see the children starve?
Sir,—Kindly publish at once and obligeYours faithfully,Eugene Hackenkick.P.S.—I shall be round at your office to-morrow about an advertisement for some 600 lb. bar-bells, and will look you up.
Sir,—Kindly publish at once and oblige
Yours faithfully,
Eugene Hackenkick.
P.S.—I shall be round at your office to-morrow about an advertisement for some 600 lb. bar-bells, and will look you up.
Middlesex House, Park Lane, IV.Dear Mr. Smith,—Can you come and dine with us quite in afriendlyway on Thursday at eight? I want to introduce you to the Princess of Holdwig-Schlosstein and Mr. Alfred Austin, who are so eager to meet you. Do you know I am really a littlefrightenedat the thought of meeting such a famous editor? Isn't itsillyof me?Yours very sincerely,Emma Middlesex.P.S.—I wonder if you could find room in yoursplendid little paperfor a silly story I am sending you. It would be such a surprise for the Duke's birthday (on Monday).—E. M.
Middlesex House, Park Lane, IV.
Dear Mr. Smith,—Can you come and dine with us quite in afriendlyway on Thursday at eight? I want to introduce you to the Princess of Holdwig-Schlosstein and Mr. Alfred Austin, who are so eager to meet you. Do you know I am really a littlefrightenedat the thought of meeting such a famous editor? Isn't itsillyof me?
Yours very sincerely,
Emma Middlesex.
P.S.—I wonder if you could find room in yoursplendid little paperfor a silly story I am sending you. It would be such a surprise for the Duke's birthday (on Monday).—E. M.
Before concluding the question of the covering letter I must mention the sad case of my friend Halibut. Halibut had a series of lithographed letters of all kinds, one of which he would enclose with every story he sent out. On a certain occasion he wrote a problem story of the most advanced kind; what, in fact, the reviewers call a "strong" story. In sending this to the editor of a famousmagazine his secretary carelessly slipped in the wrong letter:
"Dear Mr. Editor," it ran, "I am trying to rite you a littel story, I do hope you will like my little storey, I want to tell you about my kanary and my pussy cat, it's name isPeggyand it has seven kitens, have you any kitens, I will give you one if you print my story,"Your loving little friend,"Flossie."
"Dear Mr. Editor," it ran, "I am trying to rite you a littel story, I do hope you will like my little storey, I want to tell you about my kanary and my pussy cat, it's name isPeggyand it has seven kitens, have you any kitens, I will give you one if you print my story,
"Your loving little friend,
"Flossie."
Proverb for the Council of the Royal Academy.—"Hanging goes by favour."
Proverb for the Council of the Royal Academy.—"Hanging goes by favour."
The Enraged Musician.—(A Duologue.)
Composer.Did you stay late at Lady Tittup's?
Friend.Yes. Heard Miss Bang play again. I was delighted with her execution.
Composer.Her execution!Thatwould have pleasedme; she deserved it for having brutally murdered a piece of mine.
[Exeunt.
The Gentility of Speech.—At the music halls visitors now call for "another acrobat," when they want a second tumbler.
WRITING ON THE WINDOWTHE WRITING ON THE WINDOWPortrait of a gentleman who proposes to say he was detained in town on important business.
Portrait of a gentleman who proposes to say he was detained in town on important business.
AWARDING THE BISCUITAWARDING THE BISCUITDingy Bohemian."I want a bath Oliver."Immaculate Servitor."My name isnotOliver!"
Dingy Bohemian."I want a bath Oliver."
Immaculate Servitor."My name isnotOliver!"
Sending-in Day"Sending-in" Day.Indigo Brown takes his picture, entitled "Peace and Comfort," to the R.A. himself, as he says, "Those picture carts are certain to scratch it," and, with the assistance of his cabby, adds the finishing touches on his way there!
Indigo Brown takes his picture, entitled "Peace and Comfort," to the R.A. himself, as he says, "Those picture carts are certain to scratch it," and, with the assistance of his cabby, adds the finishing touches on his way there!
UNDOUBTED OLD MASTERAN UNDOUBTED OLD MASTER(By Himself)
(By Himself)
Laying it onLaying it on with a Palette-knife.Miss Sere."Ah, Mr. Brown, if you could only paint me as I was ten years ago!"Our Portrait Painter(heroically). "I am afraid children's portraits are not in my line."
Miss Sere."Ah, Mr. Brown, if you could only paint me as I was ten years ago!"
Our Portrait Painter(heroically). "I am afraid children's portraits are not in my line."
the Sixth RejectionAfter the Sixth Rejection by the R.A.The Prodigal."Well, dad, here I am, ready to go into the office to-morrow. I've given up my studio and put all my sketches in the fire."Fond Father."That's right, 'Arold. Good lad! Your 'art's in the right place, after all!"
The Prodigal."Well, dad, here I am, ready to go into the office to-morrow. I've given up my studio and put all my sketches in the fire."
Fond Father."That's right, 'Arold. Good lad! Your 'art's in the right place, after all!"
HamletBrown(as Hamlet)to Jones(as Charles the Second). "'Normous amount oftastedisplayed here to-night!"
Brown(as Hamlet)to Jones(as Charles the Second). "'Normous amount oftastedisplayed here to-night!"
ART PATRONAN ART PATRON"I'll have it if you shorten the 'orizon, and make it quids instead of guineas!"
"I'll have it if you shorten the 'orizon, and make it quids instead of guineas!"
Show SundayShow Sunday.Brown(trying to find something to admire in Smudge's painting). "By Jove, old chap, those flowers are beautifully put in!"Smudge."Yes; my old friend—Thingummy—'R.A.' you know, painted them in for me."
Brown(trying to find something to admire in Smudge's painting). "By Jove, old chap, those flowers are beautifully put in!"
Smudge."Yes; my old friend—Thingummy—'R.A.' you know, painted them in for me."
EnvyEnvy.Scene—Miss Semple and Dawber, standing near his picture.Miss Semple."Why, there's a crowd in front of Madder's picture!"Dawber."Someone fainted, I suppose!"
Scene—Miss Semple and Dawber, standing near his picture.
Miss Semple."Why, there's a crowd in front of Madder's picture!"
Dawber."Someone fainted, I suppose!"
["Incapacity for work has come to be accepted as the hall-mark of genius.... The collector wants only the thing that is rare, and therefore the artist must make his work as rare as he can."—Daily Chronicle.]
["Incapacity for work has come to be accepted as the hall-mark of genius.... The collector wants only the thing that is rare, and therefore the artist must make his work as rare as he can."—Daily Chronicle.]
Josephine found me stretched full length in a hammock in the garden.
"Why aren't you at work?" she asked; "not feeling seedy, I hope?"
"Never better," said I. "But I've been making myself too cheap."
"We couldn't possibly help going to the Joneses last night, dear."
"Tush," said I. "I mean there is too much of me."
"I don't quite understand," she said; "but there certainly will be if you spend your mornings lolling in that hammock."
The distortive wantonness of this remark left me cold.
"I have made up my mind," I continued, quite seriously, "to do no more work for a considerable time."
"But, my dear boy, just think——"
"I'm going to make myself scarce," I insisted.
"Geoffrey!" she exclaimed, "I knew you weren't well!"
I released myself.
"Josephine," I said solemnly, "those estimable persons who collect my pictures will think nothing of them if they become too common."
"How do you know there are such persons?" she queried.
"I must decline to answer that question," I replied; "but if there are none it is because my work is not yet sufficiently rare and precious. I propose to work no more—say, for six or seven years. By that time my reputation will be made, and there will be the fiercest competition for the smallest canvas I condescend to sign."
She kissed me.
"I came out for the housekeeping-money," she remarked simply.
I went into the house to fetch the required sum, and, by some means I cannot explain, got to work again upon the latest potboiler.
Music Readily Acquired.—Stealing a march.
Music Readily Acquired.—Stealing a march.
The Storm FiendThe Storm FiendSONGS AND THEIR SINGERS
Such is FameSuch is Fame!Duchess(with every wish to encourage conversation, to gentleman just introduced). "Your name is very familiar to me indeed for the last ten years."Minor Poet(flattered). "Indeed, Duchess! And may I ask what it was that first attracted you?"Duchess."Well, I was staying with Lady Waldershaw, and she had a most indifferent cook, and whenever we found fault with any dish she always quotedyou, and said thatyouliked itso much!"
Duchess(with every wish to encourage conversation, to gentleman just introduced). "Your name is very familiar to me indeed for the last ten years."
Minor Poet(flattered). "Indeed, Duchess! And may I ask what it was that first attracted you?"
Duchess."Well, I was staying with Lady Waldershaw, and she had a most indifferent cook, and whenever we found fault with any dish she always quotedyou, and said thatyouliked itso much!"
Domestic BlissDomestic Bliss.Wife of your Bussum."Oh! I don't want to interrupt you, dear. I only want some money for baby's socks—and to know whether you will have the mutton cold or hashed."
Wife of your Bussum."Oh! I don't want to interrupt you, dear. I only want some money for baby's socks—and to know whether you will have the mutton cold or hashed."
Hearty Friend(meeting Operatic Composer). Hallo, old man, how are you? Haven't seen you for an age! What's your latest composition?
Impecunious Musician(gloomily). With my creditors. [Exeunt severally.