Gushing Hospitality.

"Pray, after you," as the glass of water said to the pill.

Truism for Teetotalers.—When a man isoutof spirits—he should take wine.

A Needless Question.—"Do you want a loan?"

The British "Public."—The beer-shop.

Morning Envelopes.—Dressing gowns.

the least suggestion of sauciness"Operator" (desperately, after half an hour's fruitless endeavour to make a successful "picture" from unpromising sitter). "Suppose, madam, we try a pose with just theleastsuggestion of—er—sauciness?"

"Operator" (desperately, after half an hour's fruitless endeavour to make a successful "picture" from unpromising sitter). "Suppose, madam, we try a pose with just theleastsuggestion of—er—sauciness?"

Gushing HospitalityGushing Hospitality.(Time 3 p.m.).—Hospitable Host."Have c'gar, old f'lla?"Languid Visitor."No—thanks."H. H."Cigarette then?"His Visitor."No—thanks. Nevar smoke 'mejately after breakfast."H. H."Can't refuse a toothpick, then, old f'lla?"

(Time 3 p.m.).—Hospitable Host."Have c'gar, old f'lla?"

Languid Visitor."No—thanks."

H. H."Cigarette then?"

His Visitor."No—thanks. Nevar smoke 'mejately after breakfast."

H. H."Can't refuse a toothpick, then, old f'lla?"

Proportions.Proportions.Buyer."In future, as my collection increases, and my wall-space is limited, and price no object, perhaps you would let me have a little more 'picture,' and a little less 'mount'!"

Buyer."In future, as my collection increases, and my wall-space is limited, and price no object, perhaps you would let me have a little more 'picture,' and a little less 'mount'!"

IngenuousIngenuous!Jones(to his fair partner, after their opponents have declared "clubs"). "Shall I play to 'clubs', partner?"Fair Partner(who has never played bridge before). "Oh, no, please don't, Mr. Jones. I've only got two little ones."

Jones(to his fair partner, after their opponents have declared "clubs"). "Shall I play to 'clubs', partner?"

Fair Partner(who has never played bridge before). "Oh, no, please don't, Mr. Jones. I've only got two little ones."

I wish I could say the sameShe."And are all these lovely things about which you write imaginary?"The Poet."Oh, no, Miss Ethel. I have only to open my eyes and I see something beautiful before me."She."Oh, how I wish I could say the same!"

She."And are all these lovely things about which you write imaginary?"

The Poet."Oh, no, Miss Ethel. I have only to open my eyes and I see something beautiful before me."

She."Oh, how I wish I could say the same!"

Oh, she liked yours[At The R.A.—First Painter."I've just been showing my aunt round. Most amusing. Invariably picks out the wrong pictures to admire and denounces the good ones!"Second Painter."Did she say anything about mine?"First Painter."Oh, she liked yours!"

[At The R.A.—First Painter."I've just been showing my aunt round. Most amusing. Invariably picks out the wrong pictures to admire and denounces the good ones!"

Second Painter."Did she say anything about mine?"

First Painter."Oh, she liked yours!"

I've invented a new drink"I say, old man, I've invented a new drink. Big success! Come and try it.""What's it made of?""Well, it's something like the ordinary whisky and soda, but you put more whisky in it!"

"I say, old man, I've invented a new drink. Big success! Come and try it."

"What's it made of?"

"Well, it's something like the ordinary whisky and soda, but you put more whisky in it!"

A PROPHET IN HIS OWN COUNTRYA PROPHET IN HIS OWN COUNTRYSylvia."I wonder whether he'll be a soldier or a sailor?"Mamma."Wouldn't you like him to be an artist, like papa?"Sylvia."Oh, one in the family's quite enough!"

Sylvia."I wonder whether he'll be a soldier or a sailor?"

Mamma."Wouldn't you like him to be an artist, like papa?"

Sylvia."Oh, one in the family's quite enough!"

"The Bitter End."—The last half inch of a halfpenny cigar.

The worst possible Name for an Author.—Dr. Dozy.

Why oughtn't a boot and shoemaker to be trusted?Because he's a slippery customer.

The Race for Wealth.—Jews.

Basso Profondo.—A deep draught of bitter beer.

Exercise for City Clerks.—A run on a Bank.

Passing the Time.—Going by a clock.

Coming off with flying coloursComing off with flying colours

Thy FaceThy FaceSONGS AND THEIR SINGERS

A well-known diner-out has, we learn, collected his reminiscences, and would be glad to hear from some obliging gentleman or gentlemen who would "earnestly request" him to publish them.

We should add that no names would be mentioned, the preface merely opening as follows:—-

"Although these stray gleanings of past years are of but ephemeral value, and though they were collected with no thought of publication, the writer at the earnest request of a friend" (or "many friends," if more than one) "has reluctantly consented to give his scattered reminiscences to the world."

The following volumes in "The Biter Bit" series are announced as shortly to appear:—

"The Fighter Fit; or practical hints on pugilistic training."

"The Lighter Lit: a treatise on the illumination of Thames barges."

"The Slighter Slit: or a new and economical method of cutting out."

"The Tighter Tit: studies in the comparative inebriation of birds."

fine form was exhibited

A two-figure break

A heat of 500 up

Finishing the game with a cannon

Opening with the customary miss

Spot barred

SENDING-IN-DAY AT THE R. A.SENDING-IN-DAY AT THE R. A."But it is impossible for you to see the President. What do you want to see him for?""I want to show him exactly where I want my picture hung."

"But it is impossible for you to see the President. What do you want to see him for?"

"I want to show him exactly where I want my picture hung."

I'm awful partial to pictersMillionaire."Yes; I'm awful partial to picters. Why, bless yer, I've gotcellarsfull of 'em!"

Millionaire."Yes; I'm awful partial to picters. Why, bless yer, I've gotcellarsfull of 'em!"

THE EXHIBITION"THE EXHIBITION"Infuriated Outsider."R-r-r-rejected, sir!—Fwanospace, sir!" (With withering emphasis.) "'Want—of—space—sir!!"

Infuriated Outsider."R-r-r-rejected, sir!—Fwanospace, sir!" (With withering emphasis.) "'Want—of—space—sir!!"

You play the flute"Look here, Schlumpenhagen, you must help us at our smoking concert. You play the flute, don't you?""Not ven dere ish anypotty apout.""How's that?""Deyvon't let me!"

"Look here, Schlumpenhagen, you must help us at our smoking concert. You play the flute, don't you?"

"Not ven dere ish anypotty apout."

"How's that?"

"Deyvon't let me!"

There is no sympathy in England so universally felt, so largely expressed, as for a person who is likely to catch cold.

When a person loses his reputation, the very last place where he goes to look for it is the place where he has lost it.

No gift so fatal as that of singing. The principal question asked, upon insuring a man's life, should be, "Do you sing a good song?"

Many of us are led by our vices, but a great many more of us follow them without any leading at all.

To show how deceptive are appearances, more gentlemen are mistaken for waiters, than waiters for gentlemen.

To a retired tradesman there can be no greater convenience than that of having a "short sight." In truth, wealth rarely improves the vision. Poverty, on the contrary, strengthens it. A man, when he is poor, is able to discover objects at thegreatest distance with the naked eye, which he could not see, though standing close to his elbow, when he was rich.

If you wish to set a room full of silent people off talking, get some one to sing a song.

The bore is happy enough in boring others, but is never so miserable as when left alone, when there is no one but himself to bore.

The contradictions of this life are wonderful. Many a man, who hasn't the courage to say "no," never misses taking a shower-bath every morning of his life.

If you wish to borrow £5 ask for £10.

Scene—Hall of the Elysium Club

EnterSmith, F.R.S.,meetingBrown, Q.C.

Smith.Raw day, eh?

Brown.Veryraw. Glad when it'sdone.

[ExitBrown, Q.C.ExitSmith, F.R.S.,into smoking-room, where he tells a good thing thatBrownsaid.

AT THE ACADEMYAT THE ACADEMYMiss Jones."How came you to think of the subject, Mr. de Brush?"Eccentric Artist."Oh, I have had it in my head for years!"Miss Jones."How wonderful! What did the papers say?"Eccentric Artist."Said it was full of 'atmosphere,' and suggested 'space.'"]

Miss Jones."How came you to think of the subject, Mr. de Brush?"

Eccentric Artist."Oh, I have had it in my head for years!"

Miss Jones."How wonderful! What did the papers say?"

Eccentric Artist."Said it was full of 'atmosphere,' and suggested 'space.'"]

IntelligentIntelligent!Artist(who thinks he has found a good model for his Touchstone). "Have you any sense of humour, Mr. Bingles?"Model."Thank y' sir, no, sir, thank y'. I enj'ys pretty good 'ealth, sir, thank y' sir!"

Artist(who thinks he has found a good model for his Touchstone). "Have you any sense of humour, Mr. Bingles?"

Model."Thank y' sir, no, sir, thank y'. I enj'ys pretty good 'ealth, sir, thank y' sir!"

Miss Fillip(to gentleman whose name she did not catch when introduced). Have you readA Modern Heliogabolus?

He.Yes, I have.

Miss F.All through?

He.Yes, from beginning to end.

Miss F.Dear me! I wonder you're alive! How did you manage to get through it?

He(diffidently). Unfortunately, I wrote it.

[Miss F. catches a distant friend's eye.

The Sound Sleeper's Paradise.—Snoring.

PatentNight-Lights.—Stars.

Epitaph on a Champion Billiard Player.—"Taking his long rest."

Toned Paper.—Sheets of music.

Item on a Menu of Literary Pabulum.—"Shakspeare and Bacon."

Race Glasses.—Champagne.

The Maid of the Mill.—A lady boxer.

that's a fine bit of colourSentiment.(Artistic-minded Youth in midst of a fierce harangue from his father, who is growing hotter and redder). "By Jove, that's a fine bit of colour, if you like!"

(Artistic-minded Youth in midst of a fierce harangue from his father, who is growing hotter and redder). "By Jove, that's a fine bit of colour, if you like!"

What an ass old Brown is"What an ass old Brown is!"Oh, I don't know. He's got far more brains than appear on the surface."

"What an ass old Brown is!

"Oh, I don't know. He's got far more brains than appear on the surface."

A horse! Rub it outArt-Master(who has sent for a cab, pointing to horse). "What do you call that?"Cabby."An 'orse, sir."Art-Master."A horse! Rub it out, and do it again!"

Art-Master(who has sent for a cab, pointing to horse). "What do you call that?"

Cabby."An 'orse, sir."

Art-Master."A horse! Rub it out, and do it again!"

Take time by the forelock—to have his hair cut.

Follow your leader—in your daily paper.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating—a great deal of it.

Never look a gift-horse in the mouth—lest you should find false teeth.

The hare with many friends—was eaten at last.

A stitch in time saves nine—or more naughty words, when a button comes off while you are dressing in a great hurry for dinner.

One man's meat is another man's poison—when badly cooked.

Don't count your chickens before they are hatched—by the patent incubator.

Love is blind—and unwilling to submit to an operation.

First catch your hare—then cook it with rich gravy.

Nil Desperandum—Percy Vere.

it's a repe-titionNon-Committal.Scene:Fashionable Auction Rooms. A Picture Sale.—Amateur Collector(after taking advice of Expert No. 1, addresses Expert No. 2). "What do you think of the picture? I am advised to buy it. Is it not a fine Titian?"Expert No. 2(wishing to please both parties). "I don't think you can go far wrong, for anyhow, if it isn't a Titian it's a repe-tition."

Scene:Fashionable Auction Rooms. A Picture Sale.—

Amateur Collector(after taking advice of Expert No. 1, addresses Expert No. 2). "What do you think of the picture? I am advised to buy it. Is it not a fine Titian?"

Expert No. 2(wishing to please both parties). "I don't think you can go far wrong, for anyhow, if it isn't a Titian it's a repe-tition."

If the cap fits, wear it—out.

Six of one, and half-a-dozen of the other—make exactly twelve.

None so deaf as those who won't hear—hear! hear!

Faint heart never won fair lady—nor dark one either.

Civility costs nothing—nay, is something to your credit.

The best of friends must part—their hair.

Any port in a storm—but old port preferred.

One good turn deserves another—in waltzing.

Youth at the prow and pleasure at the helm—very sea-sick.

"Leading Strings."—Those of a first violin in an orchestra.

Tobacco Stoppers.—Men who stay to smoke.

Smoker's Proverb.—It's an ill weed that blows nobody any good.

ATidyDrink.—Neatbrandy.

Minimus PoetAmateur"Minimus Poet" (who has called at the office twice a week for three months). "Could you use a little poem of mine?"Editor(ruthlessly determined that this shall be his final visit). "Oh, I think so. There are two or three broken panes of glass, and a hole in the skylight. How large is it?"

Amateur"Minimus Poet" (who has called at the office twice a week for three months). "Could you use a little poem of mine?"

Editor(ruthlessly determined that this shall be his final visit). "Oh, I think so. There are two or three broken panes of glass, and a hole in the skylight. How large is it?"

Motto for a Sub-Editor.—"Autscissors, aut nullus."

To find the value of a Cook.—Divide the services rendered by the wages paid; deduct the kitchen stuff, subtract the cold meat by finding how often three policemen will go into one area, and the quotient will help you to the result.

To find the value of a Friend.—Ask him to put his name to a bill.

To find the value of Time.—Travel by a Bayswater omnibus.

To find the value of Eau de Cologne.—Walk into Smithfield market.

To find the value of Patience.—Consult Bradshaw'sGuideto ascertain the time of starting of a railway train.

Note by a Social Cynic.—They may abolish the "push" stroke at billiards, but they'll never do so in society.

From our own Irrepressible One(still dodging custody).—Q.Why is a daily paper like a lamb?A.Because it is always folded.

Duty before PleasureDuty before Pleasure.Hostess(to new Curate). "We seem to be talking of nothing but horses, Mr. Soothern. Are you much of a sportsman?"Curate."Really, Lady Betty, I don't think I ought to say that I am. I used to collect butterflies; but I have to give up eventhatnow!"

Hostess(to new Curate). "We seem to be talking of nothing but horses, Mr. Soothern. Are you much of a sportsman?"

Curate."Really, Lady Betty, I don't think I ought to say that I am. I used to collect butterflies; but I have to give up eventhatnow!"

SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATEDSHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED"The gods confound thee! Dost thou hold there still?"Antony and Cleopatra, Act II., Sc. 5.

"The gods confound thee! Dost thou hold there still?"

Antony and Cleopatra, Act II., Sc. 5.

"Still Waters."—Whiskies.

Art Criticism.—In too many pictures the colour is medi-ocre.

The Advertiser's Paradise.—Puffin Island.

A Musical Burglar.—One who breaks into a tune.

HE KNEW HIS WORKHE KNEW HIS WORKProprietor of Travelling Menagerie."Are you used to looking after horses and other animals?"Applicant for Job."Yessir. Been used to 'orses all my life."P. O. T. M."What steps would you take if a lion got loose?"A. F. J."Good long 'uns, mister!"

Proprietor of Travelling Menagerie."Are you used to looking after horses and other animals?"

Applicant for Job."Yessir. Been used to 'orses all my life."

P. O. T. M."What steps would you take if a lion got loose?"

A. F. J."Good long 'uns, mister!"

May be Heard Everywhere.—"Songs without words"—a remarkable performance; but perhaps a still more wonderful feat is playing upon words.

(Adapted to various Sorts and Conditions of Men)

Lawyer.Tax my bill.

Doctor.Dash my draughts.

Soldier. Snap my stock.

Parson.Starch my surplice.

Bricklayer.I'll be plastered.

Bricklayer's Labourer.Chop my hod.

Carpenter.Saw me.

Plumber and Glazier.Solder my pipes. Smash my panes.

Painter.I'm daubed.

Brewer.I'm mashed.

Engineer.Burst my boiler.

Stoker.Souse my coke.

Costermonger.Rot my taturs.

Dramatic Author.Steal my French Dictionary.

Actor.I'll be hissed.

Tailor.Cut me out. Cook my goose.

Linendraper.Soil my silks. Sell me off.

Grocer.Squash my figs. Sand my sugar. Seize my scales.

Baker.Knead my dough. Scorch my muffins.

Auctioneer.Knock me down.

"The Players are Come!"—First Player(who has had a run of ill-luck). I'm regularly haunted by the recollection of my losses at baccarat.

Second Player.Quite Shakespearian! "Banco's ghost."

Something to Live For.—(From the Literary Club Smoking-room.)Cynicus.I'm waiting till my friends are dead, in order to write my reminiscences?

Amicus.Ah, but remember. "De mortuis nil nisi bonum."

Cynicus.Quite so. I shall tell nothing but exceedingly good stories about them.

A Contradiction.—In picture exhibitions, the observant spectator is struck by the fact that works hung on the line are too often below the mark.

A "Light" Repast.—A feast of lanterns.

Fair AmateurR. A. Gems.Fair Amateur(to carpenter). "My picture is quite hidden with that horrid ticket on it. Can't you fix it on the frame?"Carpenter."Why, you'll spoil the frame, mum!"

Fair Amateur(to carpenter). "My picture is quite hidden with that horrid ticket on it. Can't you fix it on the frame?"Carpenter."Why, you'll spoil the frame, mum!"

Do you drink between mealsJones."Do you drink between meals?"Smith."No. I eat between drinks."Jones."Which did you do last?"Smith."Drink."Jones."Then we'd better go and have a sandwich at once!"

Jones."Do you drink between meals?"

Smith."No. I eat between drinks."

Jones."Which did you do last?"

Smith."Drink."

Jones."Then we'd better go and have a sandwich at once!"

NOCTURNENOCTURNE IN THE OLD KENT ROAD

"Largest Circulation in the World."—The elephant's.

The Worst Place in Thirsty Weather.—Taplow.

Inscription for an Old Clothes Shop.—"Nothing new."

JUST A SONG AT TWILIGHT"JUST A SONG AT TWILIGHT"(As sung sweetly by a Public-House-Baritone)

(As sung sweetly by a Public-House-Baritone)

Literary Announcement.—In the press—yesterday's tablecloth.

The Height of Economy.—A "screw" of tobacco.

A BROKEN MELODY 1A BROKEN MELODYScene I.—Street Singer."I fear no foe in shining ar——."

Scene I.—Street Singer."I fear no foe in shining ar——."

A BROKEN MELODY 2A BROKEN MELODYScene II.—Enter policeman.

Scene II.—Enter policeman.

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