The Project Gutenberg eBook ofMr. Punch in Bohemia

The Project Gutenberg eBook ofMr. Punch in BohemiaThis ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online atwww.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.Title: Mr. Punch in BohemiaAuthor: VariousEditor: J. A. HammertonRelease date: April 14, 2011 [eBook #35874]Most recently updated: January 7, 2021Language: EnglishCredits: Produced by Neville Allen, David Edwards and the OnlineDistributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (Thisfile was produced from images generously made availableby The Internet Archive)*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA ***

This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online atwww.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.

Title: Mr. Punch in BohemiaAuthor: VariousEditor: J. A. HammertonRelease date: April 14, 2011 [eBook #35874]Most recently updated: January 7, 2021Language: EnglishCredits: Produced by Neville Allen, David Edwards and the OnlineDistributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (Thisfile was produced from images generously made availableby The Internet Archive)

Title: Mr. Punch in Bohemia

Author: VariousEditor: J. A. Hammerton

Author: Various

Editor: J. A. Hammerton

Release date: April 14, 2011 [eBook #35874]Most recently updated: January 7, 2021

Language: English

Credits: Produced by Neville Allen, David Edwards and the OnlineDistributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (Thisfile was produced from images generously made availableby The Internet Archive)

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA ***

Some pages of this work have been moved from the original sequence to enable the contents to continue without interruption. The page numbering remains unaltered.

title page

Edited byJ. A. Hammerton

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Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its beginning in 1841 to the present day.

SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATEDSHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED"Tedious as a twice-told tale,Vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man."King John.Act III., Sc. 4.

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AS PICTURED BYPHIL MAY,CHARLES KEENE,GEORGE DU MAURIER,DUDLEY HARDY,FRED PEGRAM,F. H. TOWNSEND,LEWISBAUMER,L. RAVEN-HILL,J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE,E. T. REED,H. M. BROCK,C. E. BROCK,TOM BROWNE,GUNNING KING,HARRY FURNISS,A. WALLIS MILLS,G. L. STAMPA,AND OTHERS156 ILLUSTRATIONSPUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITHTHE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"

Twenty-five Volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustratedLIFE IN LONDONCOUNTRY LIFEIN THE HIGHLANDSSCOTTISH HUMOURIRISH HUMOURCOCKNEY HUMOURIN SOCIETYAFTER DINNER STORIESIN BOHEMIAAT THE PLAYMR. PUNCH AT HOMEON THE CONTINONGRAILWAY BOOKAT THE SEASIDEMR. PUNCH AFLOATIN THE HUNTING FIELDMR. PUNCH ON TOURWITH ROD AND GUNMR. PUNCH AWHEELBOOK OF SPORTSGOLF STORIESIN WIG AND GOWNON THE WARPATHBOOK OF LOVEWITH THE CHILDREN

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Time was when Bohemianism was synonymous with soiled linen and unkempt locks. But those days of the ragged Bohemia have happily passed away, and that land of unconventional life—which had finally grown conventional in its characteristics—has now become "a sphere of influence" of Modern Society! In a word, it is now respectable. There are those who firmly believe it has been wiped off the social map. The dress suit and the proprieties are thought by some to be incompatible with its existence. But it is not so; the new Bohemia is surely no less delightful than the old. The way to it is through the doors of almost any of the well-known literary and art clubs of London. Its inhabitants are our artists, our men of letters, our musicians, and, above all, our actors.

In the present volume we are under the guidance of Mr. Punch, himself the very flower of London's Bohemia, into this land of light-hearted laughter and the free-and-easymanner of living. We shall follow him chiefly through the haunts of the knights of the pen and pencil, as we have another engagement to spend some agreeable hours with him in the theatrical and musical world. It should be noted, however, that we shall not be limited to what has been called "Upper Bohemia", but that we shall, thanks to his vast experience, be able to peep both at the old and new.

Easily first amongst the artists who have depicted the humours of Bohemia is Phil May. Keene and Du Maurier run him close, but their Bohemia is on the whole more artistic, less breezily, raggedly, hungrily unconventional than his. It is a subject that has inspired him with some of his best jokes, and some of his finest drawings.

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The Invalid Author.—Wife."Why, nurse is reading a book, darling! Who gave it her?"Husband."Idid, my dear."Wife."What book is it?"Husband."It's my last."Wife."Darling! When youknewhow important it is thatshe shouldn't go to sleep!"

A Bookworm's Observation.—When a man has got turned of 70, he is in the appendix of life.

Table of Contents.—The dinner table.

THE GRUB AND THE BUTTERFLYTHE GRUB AND THE BUTTERFLYI."All right, sir. I'll just wash 'er face, sir, and then she shall come round to your stoodio, sir."

"All right, sir. I'll just wash 'er face, sir, and then she shall come round to your stoodio, sir."

Here's a little girlII."Here's a little girl come for you, sir!"

"Here's a little girl come for you, sir!"

Most sticks have two ends, and a muff gets hold of the wrong one.

The good boy studies his lesson; the bad boy gets it.

If sixpence were sunshine, it would never be lost in the giving.

The man that is happy in all things will rejoice in potatoes.

Three removes are better than a dessert.

Dinner deferred maketh the hungry man mad.

Bacon without liver is food for the mind.

Forty winks or five million is one sleep.

You don't go to the Mansion House for skilligolee.

Three may keep counsel if they retain a barrister.

What is done cannot be underdone.

You can't make a pair of shoes out of a pig's tail.

Dinner hour is worth every other, except bedtime.

No hairdresser puts grease into a wise man's head.

An upright judge for a downright rogue.

Happiness is the hindmost horse in the Derby.

Look before you sit.

Bear and forebear is Bruin and tripe.

Believe twice as much as you hear of a lady's age.

Content is the conjuror that turns mock-turtle into real.

There is no one who perseveres in well-doing like a thorough humbug.

The loosest fish that drinks is tight.

Education won't polish boots.

Experience is the mother of gumption.

Half-a-crown is better than no bribe.

Utopia hath no law.

There is no cruelty in whipping cream.

Care will kill a cat; carelessness a Christian.

He who lights his candle at both ends, spills grease.

Keep your jokes to yourself, and repeat other people's.

The Best Text-book for Pugilists.—Knox on anatomy.

Acrobats' Tipple.—Champagne in tumblers.

What our Artist has to put up withWhat our Artist has to put up with.—Fond Mother."Idowish you would look over some of my little boy's sketches, and give me your candid opinion on them. They strike me as perfectly marvellous for one so young. The other day he drew a horse and cart, and, I can assure you, you could scarcely tell the difference."

What our Artist has to put up with.—Fond Mother."Idowish you would look over some of my little boy's sketches, and give me your candid opinion on them. They strike me as perfectly marvellous for one so young. The other day he drew a horse and cart, and, I can assure you, you could scarcely tell the difference."

I came in a hatOUR SMOKING CONCERTIrate Member."Well, I'll take my oath I came in a hat!"

Irate Member."Well, I'll take my oath I came in a hat!"

["Editors, behind their officialism, are human just like other folks, for they think and they work, they laugh and they play, they marry—just as others do. The best of them are brimful of human nature, sympathetic and kindly, and full of the zest of life and its merry ways."—Round About.]

To look at, the ordinary editor is so like a human being that it takes an expert to tell the difference.

When quite young they make excellent pets, but for some strange reason people never confess that they have editors in the house.

Marriage is not uncommon among editors, and monogamy is the rule rather than the exception.

The chief hobby of an editor is the collection of stamped addressed envelopes, which are sent to him in large numbers. No one knows why he should want so many of these, but we believe he is under the impression that by collecting a million of them he will be able to get a child into some hospital.

Of course in these enlightened days it is illegal to shoot editors, while to destroy their young is tantamount to murder.

Country CousinCountry Cousin(looking at Index of R. A. Catalogue). "Uncle, what does 1, 3, 6, 8, after a man's name, mean?"Uncle(who has been dragged there much against his will). "Eh! What? 1, 3——Oh,Telephone number!"

Country Cousin(looking at Index of R. A. Catalogue). "Uncle, what does 1, 3, 6, 8, after a man's name, mean?"

Uncle(who has been dragged there much against his will). "Eh! What? 1, 3——Oh,Telephone number!"

In the Artist's Room.In the Artist's Room.—Potztausend."My friend, it is kolossal! most remark-worthy! You remind me on Rubinstein; but you are better as he."Pianist (pleased)."Indeed! How?"Potztausend."In de bersbiration. My friend Rubinstein could never bersbire so moch!"

In the Artist's Room.—Potztausend."My friend, it is kolossal! most remark-worthy! You remind me on Rubinstein; but you are better as he."Pianist (pleased)."Indeed! How?"Potztausend."In de bersbiration. My friend Rubinstein could never bersbire so moch!"

Brothers in Art.Brothers in Art.—New Arrival."What should I charge for teaching ze pianoforte?"Old Stager."Oh, I don't know."N. A."Vell, tell me votyoucharge."O. S."Icharge five guineas a lesson."N. A."Himmel! how many pupils have you got?"O. S."Oh, I have no pupils!"

Brothers in Art.—New Arrival."What should I charge for teaching ze pianoforte?"Old Stager."Oh, I don't know."N. A."Vell, tell me votyoucharge."O. S."Icharge five guineas a lesson."N. A."Himmel! how many pupils have you got?"O. S."Oh, I have no pupils!"

["Journalism.—Gentleman (barrister) offers furnished bedroom in comfortable, cheerful chambers in Temple in return for equivalent journalistic assistance, &c."—Times.]

The "equivalent" is rather a nice point.Mr. Punchsuggests for other gentlemen barristers the following table of equivalence:—

When is an author most likely to be sick of his own writing?When he's regularlyin the swing.

DRINK TO ME ONLY WITH THINE EYESDRINK TO ME ONLY WITH THINE EYESSONGS AND THEIR SINGERS

Little GriggsLittle Griggs(to caricaturist). "By Jove, old feller, I wish you'd been with me this morning; you'd have seen such a funny looking chap!"

Little Griggs(to caricaturist). "By Jove, old feller, I wish you'd been with me this morning; you'd have seen such a funny looking chap!"

You must have painted uncommonly well(Model wishing to say something pleasant.) "You must have painted uncommonly well when you were young!"

(Model wishing to say something pleasant.) "You must have painted uncommonly well when you were young!"

Dinner and Dress.—Full dress is not incompatible with low dress. At dinner it is not generally the roast or the boiled that are not dressed enough. If young men are raw, that does not much signify but it is not nice to see girls underdone.

A Cheap Bath.—A farthing dip.

"Light Dues."—Photographers' charges.

"Lettered Ease."—The catalogue of the British Museum.

A Professional View of Things.—Trecalfe, our bookseller, who has recently got married, says of his wife, that he feels that her life is bound up in his.

2 sipsmake1 glass.2 glassesmake1 pint.2 pintsmakes1 quart bottle.1 bottlemakesone ill.

The Boarding-out System.—Dining at the club.

Beauty and the BeastMrs. Mashem."Bull-bulland I have been sitting for our photographs as 'Beauty and the Beast'!"Lord Loreus(a bit of a fancier). "Yes; he certainlyisa beauty, isn't he?"]

Mrs. Mashem."Bull-bulland I have been sitting for our photographs as 'Beauty and the Beast'!"

Lord Loreus(a bit of a fancier). "Yes; he certainlyisa beauty, isn't he?"]

Short Rules for Calculation.—To Find the Value of a Dozen Articles.—Send them to a magazine, and double the sum offered by the proprietor.

Another Way.—Send them to the butterman, who will not only fix their value, but their weight, at per pound.

To Find the Value of a Pound at any price.—Try to borrow one, when you are desperately hard up.

Member of the Lyceum Club.Have you read Tolstoi's "Resurrection"?

Member of the Cavalry Club.No. Is that the name of Marie Corelli's new book?

CONVIVIAL TOAST(For a Temperance Fête)Fillhigh: DrinkL'eau.

First Reveller(on the following morning). "I say, is it true you were the only sober man last night?"

Second Reveller."Of course not!"

First Reveller."Who was, then?"

An Ugly Bargain.—A cheap bull-dog.

Three MusketeersTHE DUMAS CRAZEBrown(who, with his friends Jones and Robinson, is in town for a week and is "going it"). "Now, Mr. Costumier, we are going to this 'ere ball, and we want you to make us hup as the Three Musketeers!"

Brown(who, with his friends Jones and Robinson, is in town for a week and is "going it"). "Now, Mr. Costumier, we are going to this 'ere ball, and we want you to make us hup as the Three Musketeers!"

A Cheerful ProspectA Cheerful Prospect.—Jones."I say, Miss Golightly, it's awfully good of you to accompany me, you know. If I've tried this song once, I've tried it a dozen times—and I've always broken down in the third verse!"

A Cheerful Prospect.—Jones."I say, Miss Golightly, it's awfully good of you to accompany me, you know. If I've tried this song once, I've tried it a dozen times—and I've always broken down in the third verse!"

Beyond PraiseBeyond Praise.—Roscius."But you haven't got a word of praise for anyone. I should like to know who you would consider a finished artist?"Criticus."A dead one, my boy—a dead one!"

Beyond Praise.—Roscius."But you haven't got a word of praise for anyone. I should like to know who you would consider a finished artist?"

Criticus."A dead one, my boy—a dead one!"

Stale News Freshly Told.—A physician cannot obtain recovery of his fees, although he may cause the recovery of his patient.

Dress may be seized for rent, and a coat without cuffs may be collared by the broker.

A married woman can acquire nothing, the proper tie of marriage making all she has the proper-ty of her husband.

You may purchase any stamp at the stamp-office, except the stamp of a gentleman.

Pawnbrokers take such enormous interest in their little pledges, that if they were really pledges of affection, the interest taken could hardly be exceeded.

The Authors of our own Pleasures.—Next to the pleasure of having done a good action, there is nothing so sweet as the pleasure of having written a good article!

Change for the Better.—When the organ nuisance shall have been swept away from our streets, that fearful instrument of ear-piercing torture called the hurdy-gurdy will then (thank Parliament!) be known as theun-heardy-gurdy.

SONGS AND THEIR SINGERSMY MOTHER BIDS ME BIND MY HAIRSONGS AND THEIR SINGERS

1. Never put off till to-morrow what you can do to-day.

2. Never trouble another for a trifle which you can do yourself.

3. Never spend your money before you have it, if you would make the most of your means.

4. Nothing is troublesome that we do willingly.

1. Put off till to-morrow the dun who won't be done to-day.

2. When another would trouble you for a trifle, never trouble yourself.

3. Spend your money before you have it; and when you have it, spend it again, for by so doing you enjoy your means twice, instead of only once.

4. You have only to do a creditor willingly, and he will never be troublesome.

A Literary Pursuit.—Chasing a newspaper in a high wind.

The True TestThe True Test.—First Screever(stopping before a pastel in a picture dealer's window). "Ullo 'Erbert, look 'ere! Chalks!"Second Screever."Ah, very tricky, I dessay. But you set that chap on the pivement alongside o' you an' me, to dror 'arf a salmon an' a nempty 'at, an' where 'ud 'e be?"First Screever."Ah!"[Exeunt ambo.

The True Test.—First Screever(stopping before a pastel in a picture dealer's window). "Ullo 'Erbert, look 'ere! Chalks!"

Second Screever."Ah, very tricky, I dessay. But you set that chap on the pivement alongside o' you an' me, to dror 'arf a salmon an' a nempty 'at, an' where 'ud 'e be?"

First Screever."Ah!"

[Exeunt ambo.

Musical News (Noose).—We perceive from a foreign paper that a criminal who has been imprisoned for a considerable period at Presburg has acquired a complete mastery over the violin. It has been announced that he will shortly make an appearance in public. Doubtless, his performance will bea solo on one string.

Sporting Prophet(playing billiards). Marker, here's the tip off this cue as usual.

Marker.Yes, sir. Better give us one of your "tips," sir, asthey never come off.

Art Dogma.—An artist's wife never admires her husband's work so much as when he is drawing her a cheque.

The United Effort of Six Royal Academicians.—What colour is it that contains several? An umber (a number).

Mem. at Burlington House.—A picture may be "capitally executed" without of necessity being "well hung." Andvice versâ.

A Schism to be Approved of.——A witticism.

ExcelsiorExcelsior!She."I didn't know you were amusician, Herr Müller."He."A musician? Ach, no—Gott vorpit! I am aWagnerian!"

She."I didn't know you were amusician, Herr Müller."

He."A musician? Ach, no—Gott vorpit! I am aWagnerian!"

(Wrung from him by the repeated calls of the printer's boy)

"Oh! that devils' visits were, like angels', 'few and far between!'"

Q.What is the difference between a surgeon and a wizard?

A.The one is a cupper and the other is a sorcerer.

Q.Why is America like the act of reflection?

A.Because it is a roomy-nation.

Q.Why is your pretty cousin like an alabaster vase?

A.Because she is anobjet de looks.

Q.How is it that a man born in Truro can never be an Irishman?

A.Because he always is a true-Roman.

Q.Why is my game cock like a bishop?

A.Because he has his crows here (crozier).

(After reading certain Press Comments on the Picture Show)

Philistine art may stand all critic shocksWhilst it gives private views—of pretty frocks!

Philistine art may stand all critic shocks

Whilst it gives private views—of pretty frocks!

RetaliationRetaliation.Comic Man(to unappreciated tenor, whose song has just been received in stony silence). "I say, you're not going to sing an encore, are you?"Unappreciated Tenor(firmly). "Yes, I am.Serve them right!"

Comic Man(to unappreciated tenor, whose song has just been received in stony silence). "I say, you're not going to sing an encore, are you?"

Unappreciated Tenor(firmly). "Yes, I am.Serve them right!"

An InducementAn Inducement.Swedish Exercise Instructress."Now, ladies, if you will only follow my directions carefully, it is quite possible that you may become even as I am!"

Swedish Exercise Instructress."Now, ladies, if you will only follow my directions carefully, it is quite possible that you may become even as I am!"

More Swedish InstructionMore Swedish Instruction.Instructress(to exhausted class, who have been hopping round room for some time). "Come! Come! That won't do at all. Youmustlook cheerful. Keep smiling—smiling all the time!"

Instructress(to exhausted class, who have been hopping round room for some time). "Come! Come! That won't do at all. Youmustlook cheerful. Keep smiling—smiling all the time!"

The proof of a pudding is in the eating:The proof of a woman is in making a pudding;And the proof of a man is in being able to dine without one.

A Reflection on Literature.—It is a well-authenticated fact, that the name of a book has a great deal to do with its sale and its success. How strange that titles should go for so much in the republic of letters.

Motto for the Rejected at the Royal Academy(suggested by one of the Forty).—"Hanging's too good for them!"

Suggestion for a Music-Hall Song(to suit any Lionne Comique).—"Wink atme onlywith one eye," &c., &c.

Ample Grounds for Complaint.—Finding the grounds of your coffee to consist of nothing but chicory.

A Smiling Countenanceis "The happy mien."

are you Mr. JobsonPublisher(impatiently). "Well, sir, what is it?"Poet(timidly). "O—er—are you Mr. Jobson?"Publisher(irritably). "Yes."Poet(more timidly). "Mr.GeorgeJobson?"Publisher(excitably). "Yes, sir, that's my name."Poet(more timidly still). "Of the firm of Messrs. Jobson and Doodle?"Publisher(angrily). "Yes. What do you want?"Poet"Oh—I want to see Mr. Doodle!"

Publisher(impatiently). "Well, sir, what is it?"

Poet(timidly). "O—er—are you Mr. Jobson?"

Publisher(irritably). "Yes."

Poet(more timidly). "Mr.GeorgeJobson?"

Publisher(excitably). "Yes, sir, that's my name."

Poet(more timidly still). "Of the firm of Messrs. Jobson and Doodle?"

Publisher(angrily). "Yes. What do you want?"

Poet"Oh—I want to see Mr. Doodle!"

Our Orchestral SocietyOur Orchestral Society.The Rector."Oh,piano, Mr. Brown!Pi-an-o!"Mr. Brown."Pianobe blowed! I've come here to enjoy myself!"

The Rector."Oh,piano, Mr. Brown!Pi-an-o!"

Mr. Brown."Pianobe blowed! I've come here to enjoy myself!"

How to be happy though marriedJiu JitsuCustomer.—"Have you 'How to be happy though married'?"Bookseller."No, sir. We have run out at present of the work you mention; but we are selling this little book by the hundred."

Customer.—"Have you 'How to be happy though married'?"

Bookseller."No, sir. We have run out at present of the work you mention; but we are selling this little book by the hundred."

Since, my dear Jones, you are good enough to ask for my advice, need I say that your success in business will depend chiefly upon judicious advertisement? You are bringing out, I understand, a thrilling story of domestic life, entitled "Maria's Marriage." Already, I am glad to learn, you have caused a paragraph to appear in the literary journals contradicting "the widespread report that Mr. Kipling and the German Emperor have collaborated in the production of this novel, the appearance of which is awaited with such extraordinary interest." And you have induced a number of papers to give prominence to the fact that Mr. Penwiper dines daily off curry and clotted cream. So far, so good. Your next step will be to send out review-copies, together with ready-made laudatory criticisms; in order, as you will explain, to save the hard worked reviewers trouble. But, you will say, supposing this ingenious device tofail? Supposing "Maria's Marriage" to be universally "slated"? Well, even then you need not despair. With a little practice, you will learn the art of manufacturing an attractive advertisement column from the most unpromising material. Let me give you a brief example of the method:—

"Mr. Penwiper's latest production, 'Maria's Marriage,' scarcely calls for serious notice. It seems hard to believe that even the most tolerant reader will contrive to study with attention a work of which every page contains glaring errors of taste. Humour, smartness, and interest are all conspicuously wanting."—The Thunderer.

"This book is undeniably third-rate—dull, badly-written, incoherent; in fine, a dismal failure."—The Wigwam.

"If 'Maria's Marriage' has any real merit, it is as an object-lesson to aspiring authors. Here, we would say to them, is a striking example of the way in which romance should not be written. Set yourself to produce a work exactly its opposite in every particular, and the chances are that youwill produce, if not a masterpiece, at least, a tale free from the most glaring faults. For the terrible warning thus afforded by his volume to budding writers, Mr. Penwiper deserves to be heartily thanked."—Daily Telephone.

"'Maria's Marriage' is another book that we have received in the course of the month."—The Parachute.

"Maria's Marriage!" "Maria's Marriage!"

Gigantic Success—The Talk of London.

The 29th edition will be issued this week if the sale of twenty-eight previous ones makes this necessary. Each edition is strictly limited!

"Maria's Marriage!"

The voice of the Press is simplyunanimous. Read the following extracts—taken almost at random from the reviews of leading papers.

"Mr. Penwiper's latest production ... calls for serious notice ... the reader will ... study with attention a work of which every page contains taste, humour, smartness and interest!"—The Thunderer.

"Undeniably ... fine!"—The Wigwam.

"Has ... real merit ... an object lesson ... a striking example of the way in which romance ... should be written. A masterpiece ... free from faults. Mr. Penwiper deserves to be heartily thanked."—Daily Telephone.

"The book ... of the month!"—The Parachute, &c., &c.

"Maria's Marriage!" A veritable triumph! Order it from your bookseller to-day!

That, my dear Jones, is how the trick is done. I hope to give you some further hints on a future occasion.

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