Master Tommy's Receipts.—(Household ginger beer.)—Empty the kitchen spice-box, two pounds of washing soda, a pint of petroleum, and all the wine left in the dining-room decanters over night, into the cistern, and stir freely in the dark with a mop from the staircase window. When the water comes in in the morning, the whole household will be supplied from every tap for four-and-twenty hours with capital ginger beer.
In Distress.—Mummy! Mummy! Come back! I'm frightened. Here's a horrid dogstaring at me with his teeth.
Child in berth of night steamerChild(in berth of night steamer). "Mummy, I'm so sleepy. I want to go to bed."Mother."But youarein bed dear."Child."No, I'm not. I'm in a chest of drawers!"
Child(in berth of night steamer). "Mummy, I'm so sleepy. I want to go to bed."Mother."But youarein bed dear."Child."No, I'm not. I'm in a chest of drawers!"
The Force of ExampleThe Force of Example.—(This is the second time that Madge has pricked her finger—the first time it bled so much that mamma felt quite faint, and had to drink a glass of sherry; now it's Jack's turn).Mamma."Well, what's the matter withyou, Jack?"Jack."Oh! I feel ratherfaint, that's all.Is there such a thing as a bun in the house?"
The Force of Example.—(This is the second time that Madge has pricked her finger—the first time it bled so much that mamma felt quite faint, and had to drink a glass of sherry; now it's Jack's turn).Mamma."Well, what's the matter withyou, Jack?"Jack."Oh! I feel ratherfaint, that's all.Is there such a thing as a bun in the house?"
The Festive SeasonThe Festive Season.—Tommy(criticising the menu of the coming feast). "Very good! Tray bong! And look here, old man! Mind you put plenty of rum into thebaba—Dolly and Molly like it, you know—and so do I!"Monsieur Cordonbleu(retained for the occasion). "Certainement, mon p'tit ami! But are you and ces demoiselles going to dine viz de compagnie?"Tommy."Oh nong! But just ain't we going to sit on the stairs outside, that's all!"
The Festive Season.—Tommy(criticising the menu of the coming feast). "Very good! Tray bong! And look here, old man! Mind you put plenty of rum into thebaba—Dolly and Molly like it, you know—and so do I!"Monsieur Cordonbleu(retained for the occasion). "Certainement, mon p'tit ami! But are you and ces demoiselles going to dine viz de compagnie?"Tommy."Oh nong! But just ain't we going to sit on the stairs outside, that's all!"
At the ZooAt the Zoo.—Little Girl(after seeing many queer beasts). "But there aren'treallysuch animals, nurse, are there?"
At the Zoo.—Little Girl(after seeing many queer beasts). "But there aren'treallysuch animals, nurse, are there?"
At the Christmas PartyAt the Christmas Party.—Uncle George."Don't over-eat yourself, Jimmy, my boy. I never did when I was your age."Jimmy(sotto voce). "When did you begin, then?"
At the Christmas Party.—Uncle George."Don't over-eat yourself, Jimmy, my boy. I never did when I was your age."Jimmy(sotto voce). "When did you begin, then?"
AN EARLY PURITANAN EARLY PURITANBobby(who sees his mamma in evening dress for the first time, and doesn't like it). "I'll write and tell papa!"
Bobby(who sees his mamma in evening dress for the first time, and doesn't like it). "I'll write and tell papa!"
Mrs. Brown leads you by the noseGertie."Oh, Mr. Brown, papa says that Mrs. Brown leads you by the nose. Is that why it's so long?"
Gertie."Oh, Mr. Brown, papa says that Mrs. Brown leads you by the nose. Is that why it's so long?"
At a Christmas Juvenile PartyAt a Christmas Juvenile Party.—Aunt Florence."I will find you a partner, Ethel, dear. Between ourselves, now, have you any choice?"Miss Ethel."Well, auntie, I should prefer one with amoustache!"
At a Christmas Juvenile Party.—Aunt Florence."I will find you a partner, Ethel, dear. Between ourselves, now, have you any choice?"Miss Ethel."Well, auntie, I should prefer one with amoustache!"
A Cry from the HeartA Cry from the Heart.—Little Dunce(looking up suddenly from her history book). "Oh, mummy, darling, Idoso wish I'd lived under James the Second!"Mamma."Why?"Little Dunce."Because I see here that education was very much neglected in his reign!"
A Cry from the Heart.—Little Dunce(looking up suddenly from her history book). "Oh, mummy, darling, Idoso wish I'd lived under James the Second!"Mamma."Why?"Little Dunce."Because I see here that education was very much neglected in his reign!"
A Big PillA Big Pill.—"What is it, my pet?" "Oh, mum—mummy—I dreamt I'd sw-swallowed myself. Have I?"
A Big Pill.—"What is it, my pet?" "Oh, mum—mummy—I dreamt I'd sw-swallowed myself. Have I?"
What would you like to eatHostess."What would you like to eat, Effie?"Effie."Cake."Mother(reprovingly). "Effie! Effie! What is the word you've forgotten? Pl——"Effie."Pl—um!"
Hostess."What would you like to eat, Effie?"Effie."Cake."Mother(reprovingly). "Effie! Effie! What is the word you've forgotten? Pl——"Effie."Pl—um!"
Overheard at the Zoo.—(A fact.)—Small child(pointing to the hippopotamus). Oh, mother, look at that big frog going to have a bath!
Better-informed parent.That isn't a frog, yer silly. It's a crocydile!
Infant Agonies.—Small boy.Auntie! Auntie! Has goosegogs got legs?
Auntie.No!
Small boy.Boo-hoo-hoo! then I've been and swollered—a beastie!
Inadequate Hospitality.—"Well, Guy, did you enjoy the party?
"Yes, mummy; but I'msohungry. There was only anow and thentea, you know; with no chairs, and no grace!"
Nature's Logic.—Papa.How is it, Alice, thatyounever get a prize at school?
Mamma.And that your friend, Louisa Sharp, gets so many?
Alice(innocently). Ah! Louisa Sharp has got such clever parents!
Fiat Experimentum"Fiat Experimentum," &c.—Scene—A Christmas family gathering at a country house. Old Bachelor Guest(violently awakened out of his morning snooze.) "Who'sh there?"The Grandchildren(shouting in chorus, and banging at his door). "Oh, Mr. Bulkley—please—Mr. Bulkley—do get up—and go on the pond—'pa says—'cause—gran'ma says—we may—if it'll bear you—it'll bear us!"
"Fiat Experimentum," &c.—Scene—A Christmas family gathering at a country house. Old Bachelor Guest(violently awakened out of his morning snooze.) "Who'sh there?"The Grandchildren(shouting in chorus, and banging at his door). "Oh, Mr. Bulkley—please—Mr. Bulkley—do get up—and go on the pond—'pa says—'cause—gran'ma says—we may—if it'll bear you—it'll bear us!"
SCIENTIFIC ACCURACYSCIENTIFIC ACCURACYAda."What horrid thingsblack-beetlesare, Miss Grimm! The kitchen is full of them!"The Governess."I agree with you, Ada! But as they are notbeetles, and notblack, perhaps you will call themcock-roachesfor the future!"Ada."Certainly, Miss Grimm; although they are notroaches, and notcocks!"
Ada."What horrid thingsblack-beetlesare, Miss Grimm! The kitchen is full of them!"
The Governess."I agree with you, Ada! But as they are notbeetles, and notblack, perhaps you will call themcock-roachesfor the future!"
Ada."Certainly, Miss Grimm; although they are notroaches, and notcocks!"
A Conscientious Child.—"Is your cold better this morning, darling?"
"I don't know. I forgot to ask nursey!"
Tommy.I can strike a match onmytrousers, like Uncle Bob. Canyou, auntie?
You must put your dolls awayMother."You must put your dolls away to-day. It's Sunday."Little Girl."Oh, but, mother, that's all right. We're playing at Sunday school!"
Mother."You must put your dolls away to-day. It's Sunday."
Little Girl."Oh, but, mother, that's all right. We're playing at Sunday school!"
Confused Associations.—"And where did these Druids live, Tommy?"
"They lived in groves of oak."
"And in what particular ceremony were they engaged once a year?"
"Er—let me see—Oh! in kissing under the mistletoe!"
And how did it happen, dearGrandmamma."And how did it happen, dear?"Master Tom."It didn't happen. Ma did it on purpose!"
Grandmamma."And how did it happen, dear?"
Master Tom."It didn't happen. Ma did it on purpose!"
Master Tommy's Receipts.—(To cure a smoky chimney.) Get out on to the roof of the house with a good-sized feather bolster and eighteen-pennyworth of putty. Insert the bolster longways into the chimney, taking care to plaster it all round tightly with the putty. Now sit on it. The chimney will no longer smoke.
And it was only yesterdayAnd it was only yesterday that grandpapa was complaining to his little grandsons that he never got real winters like he used to have, with plenty of skating and sliding. (N.B.—Butter-slides are very effective.)
And it was only yesterday that grandpapa was complaining to his little grandsons that he never got real winters like he used to have, with plenty of skating and sliding. (N.B.—Butter-slides are very effective.)
The Evidence of the Senses.—Mamma.Howdareyou slap your sister, George?
George.She kicked me when my back was turned, and hurted me very much, I can tell you!
Mamma.Where did she hurt you?
George.Well, I can't azactly saywhere, because—because my back was turned, and I was looking another way!
Pursuit of Knowledge.—Son and heir(whose inquiring turn of mind is occasionally a nuisance). Say, 'pa, what's a v'cab'lary?
Father.A vocabulary, my boy—what d'you want to know that for?
Son.'Cause I heard 'ma say she'd no idea what a tremenjous v'cab'lary you'd got, till you missed the train on Saturday!
At the Sunday School—Teacher.Now, Mary Brown, you understand what is meant by baptism?
Mary Brown.Oh,Iknow, teacher! It's what Dr. Franklin did on baby's arm last Toosday!
A little Christmas DreamA little Christmas Dream.—Mr. L. Figuier, in the thesis which precedes his interesting work on the world before the flood, condemns the practice of awakening the youthful mind to admiration by means of fables and fairy tales, and recommends, in lieu thereof, the study of the natural history of the world in which we live. Fired by this advice, we have tried the experiment on our eldest, an imaginative boy of six. We have cut off his "Cinderella" and his "Puss in Boots," and introduced him to some of the more peaceful fauna of the preadamite world, as they appear restored in Mr. Figuier's book. The poor boy has not had a decent night's rest ever since!
A little Christmas Dream.—Mr. L. Figuier, in the thesis which precedes his interesting work on the world before the flood, condemns the practice of awakening the youthful mind to admiration by means of fables and fairy tales, and recommends, in lieu thereof, the study of the natural history of the world in which we live. Fired by this advice, we have tried the experiment on our eldest, an imaginative boy of six. We have cut off his "Cinderella" and his "Puss in Boots," and introduced him to some of the more peaceful fauna of the preadamite world, as they appear restored in Mr. Figuier's book. The poor boy has not had a decent night's rest ever since!
Young, but Practical.—"What! Harry! not in bed yet, and it's nine o'clock! What willpapasay when he comes home?"
"Oh, papa!He'llsay, 'Supper! supper! What's for supper?'"
A Realist in Fiction.—"I saw a rabbit run through that hedge!"
"No, dear. It was imagination!"
"Are 'maginations white behind?"
Improving the Shining Hour.—The new Governess.What are the comparative and superlative ofbad, Berty?
Berty(the Doctor's son). Bad—worse—dead.
A Capital Choice.—Cousin Amy.So you haven't made up your mind yet whatprofessionyou're going to be when you grow up, Bobby.
Bobby.Well, yes! I don't exactly know what it's called, you know, but it's living in the country, and keeping lots of horses and dogs, and all that!
[Bobby's papa is a curate, with £200 a year.
EARLY INGENUITYEARLY INGENUITY."Whateverareyou children doing?""Oh, we've found pa's false teeth, and we're trying to fit them on to the baby, 'cos he hasn't got any!"
"Whateverareyou children doing?"
"Oh, we've found pa's false teeth, and we're trying to fit them on to the baby, 'cos he hasn't got any!"
BY THE HONOURABLE WILHELMINA SKEGGS
BY THE HONOURABLE WILHELMINA SKEGGS
A weakness seizes on my mind—I would more pudding take;But all in vain—I feel—I feel—my little head will ache.Oh! that I might alone be left, to rest where now I am,And finish with a piece of bread that pot of currant-jam.I gaze upon the cake with tears, and wildly I deploreThat I must take a powder if I touch a morsel more,Or oil of castor, smoothly bland, will offer'd be to me,In wave pellucid, floating on a cup of milkless tea.It may be so—I cannot tell—I yet may do without;They need not know, when left alone, what I have been about.I long to cut that potted beef—to taste that apple-pie;I long—I long to eat some more, but have not strength to try.I gasp for breath, and now I know I've eaten far too much;Not one more crumb of all the feast before me can I touch!Susan, oh! Susan ring the bell, and call for mother, dear.My brain swims round—I feel it all—mother, your child is queer!
A weakness seizes on my mind—I would more pudding take;But all in vain—I feel—I feel—my little head will ache.Oh! that I might alone be left, to rest where now I am,And finish with a piece of bread that pot of currant-jam.I gaze upon the cake with tears, and wildly I deploreThat I must take a powder if I touch a morsel more,Or oil of castor, smoothly bland, will offer'd be to me,In wave pellucid, floating on a cup of milkless tea.It may be so—I cannot tell—I yet may do without;They need not know, when left alone, what I have been about.I long to cut that potted beef—to taste that apple-pie;I long—I long to eat some more, but have not strength to try.I gasp for breath, and now I know I've eaten far too much;Not one more crumb of all the feast before me can I touch!Susan, oh! Susan ring the bell, and call for mother, dear.My brain swims round—I feel it all—mother, your child is queer!
A weakness seizes on my mind—I would more pudding take;
But all in vain—I feel—I feel—my little head will ache.
Oh! that I might alone be left, to rest where now I am,
And finish with a piece of bread that pot of currant-jam.
I gaze upon the cake with tears, and wildly I deplore
That I must take a powder if I touch a morsel more,
Or oil of castor, smoothly bland, will offer'd be to me,
In wave pellucid, floating on a cup of milkless tea.
It may be so—I cannot tell—I yet may do without;
They need not know, when left alone, what I have been about.
I long to cut that potted beef—to taste that apple-pie;
I long—I long to eat some more, but have not strength to try.
I gasp for breath, and now I know I've eaten far too much;
Not one more crumb of all the feast before me can I touch!
Susan, oh! Susan ring the bell, and call for mother, dear.
My brain swims round—I feel it all—mother, your child is queer!
Alix(aged five, to parent who has been trying to inspire her with loyal sentiments). And was the Queen weally named after me?
A Toothsome MorselA Toothsome Morsel.—Distracted Nurse."Gracious, children, whatareyou doing?"Children."Oh, we've put the meat cover on grandpa's head to keep the flies off him!"
A Toothsome Morsel.—Distracted Nurse."Gracious, children, whatareyou doing?"
Children."Oh, we've put the meat cover on grandpa's head to keep the flies off him!"
Drat the boy"Drat the boy! What have you got that string tied on that fowl's leg for?""'Tain't our fowl, muvver!"
"Drat the boy! What have you got that string tied on that fowl's leg for?"
"'Tain't our fowl, muvver!"
Snooks who fancies himselfSnooks(who fancies himself very much). "What's she crying for?"Arabella."It's all right, sir. She was frightened. When she sawyoushe thought it was aman!"
Snooks(who fancies himself very much). "What's she crying for?"
Arabella."It's all right, sir. She was frightened. When she sawyoushe thought it was aman!"
BLASÉBLASÉKitty(reading a fairy tale). "'Once upon a time there was a frog——'"Mabel(interrupting). "I bet it's a princess! Go on!"
Kitty(reading a fairy tale). "'Once upon a time there was a frog——'"
Mabel(interrupting). "I bet it's a princess! Go on!"
Physics.—"Now, George, before you go and play, are you quite sure you know the lesson Professor Borax gave you to learn?"
"O, yes, mamma!"
"Well, now, what causes heat without light?"
"Pickles!"
Mother.Well, Dorothy, would you like your egg poached or boiled?
Dorothy(after weighing the question). Which is the most, mother?
THE ADVANTAGES OF EDUCATIONTHE ADVANTAGES OF EDUCATIONSmall Boy."Look 'ere, Mawrd! I reckon the chap as keeps this shop ain't bin to school lately; 'e spells ''all' with ahaitch!"
Small Boy."Look 'ere, Mawrd! I reckon the chap as keeps this shop ain't bin to school lately; 'e spells ''all' with ahaitch!"
GETTING ON"GETTING ON.""Well, Tommy, how are you getting on at school?""First-rate. I ain't doing so well as some of the other boys, though I can stand on my head; but I have to put my feet against the wall. I want to do it without the wall at all!"
"Well, Tommy, how are you getting on at school?"
"First-rate. I ain't doing so well as some of the other boys, though I can stand on my head; but I have to put my feet against the wall. I want to do it without the wall at all!"
Laying down the LawLaying down the Law.—Lady(entertaining friend's little girl). "Do you take sugar, darling?"The Darling."Yes, please."Lady."How many lumps?"The Darling."Oh, about seven; and when I'm out to tea I start with cake."
Laying down the Law.—Lady(entertaining friend's little girl). "Do you take sugar, darling?"The Darling."Yes, please."Lady."How many lumps?"The Darling."Oh, about seven; and when I'm out to tea I start with cake."
I'll come and see you every dayTommy."I say, Elsie, if you like, I'll come and see you every day while you are ill."
Tommy."I say, Elsie, if you like, I'll come and see you every day while you are ill."
"A Soft Answer," &c.—Mamma. You are very naughty children, and I am extremely dis-satisfied with you all!
Tommy.Thatisa pity, mamma! We're all so thoroughly satisfied withyou, you know!
Comprehensive.—Preceptor.Now, can any of you tell me anything remarkable in the life of Moses?
Boy.Yes, sir. He was the only man who broke all the commandments at once!
A BARGAINA BARGAIN."I say, Bobby, just give us a shove with this 'ere parcel on to this 'ere truck, and next time yer runs me in,I'll go quiet!"
"I say, Bobby, just give us a shove with this 'ere parcel on to this 'ere truck, and next time yer runs me in,I'll go quiet!"
Little Miss Logic.—Little Dot(to Eminent Professor of Chemistry). Are you a chemist?
Eminent Professor.Yes, my dear.
L. D.Have you got a shop with lovely large, coloured bottles in the window?
E. P.No, my dear; I don't keep a shop.
L. D. Don't you? Then I suppose you don't sell Jones's Jubilee Cough Jujubes?
E. P.No, my dear, I certainly do not.
L. D.(decidedly). I don't think I ought to talk to you any more. You can't be a respectable chemist.
E. P.Why not, my dear?
L. D.'Cos it says on the box, "Sold by allrespectablechemists."
At the School Treat.—Lady Helper(to Small Boy). Will you have some more bread-and-butter?
Small Boy.No fear, when there's kike about.
Lady Helper(trying to be kind). Cake, certainly! Will you have plum or seed?
Small Boy.Plum, in course. D'ye tike me for a canary?
A QUESTION OF HEREDITYA QUESTION OF HEREDITYHal."Is there anything the matter with this egg, Martha?"Martha."Oh no, it's only a little cracked."Hal."Oh! Then would the chicken that came out of it be a little mad?"
Hal."Is there anything the matter with this egg, Martha?"
Martha."Oh no, it's only a little cracked."
Hal."Oh! Then would the chicken that came out of it be a little mad?"
Natural HistoryNatural History.—"Oh,look, mummie! Now it's left off raining, he's come out of his kennel!"
Natural History.—"Oh,look, mummie! Now it's left off raining, he's come out of his kennel!"
I hanged up muvver'sSensible Child.—"Well, Jacky, and did you hang up your stocking for Santa Claus to fill?" "No. I hanged up muvver's!"
Sensible Child.—"Well, Jacky, and did you hang up your stocking for Santa Claus to fill?" "No. I hanged up muvver's!"
Look what I've bought you"Look what I've bought you for a Christmas box!"
"Look what I've bought you for a Christmas box!"
Had Him There.—Uncle Jim.Here's half a mince pie for you, Tommy. I need hardly remind a person of your classical culture that "the half is greater than the whole!"
Tommy.Quite so, uncle. But, as I'm not very hungry, I'll only take a whole one.
An Eye to the Main Chance.—The Major.You're a very nice fellow, Tommy! Don't most people tell you so?
Tommy.Yes, they does. And they often gives me something!
LOST, OR, LUCID INFORMATIONLOST, OR, LUCID INFORMATIONKind-hearted Old Gent."There, there, don't cry! What's your name and where do you live!"Chorus."Boohoo! We'se Doolie's twins."
Kind-hearted Old Gent."There, there, don't cry! What's your name and where do you live!"
Chorus."Boohoo! We'se Doolie's twins."
Sancta Simplicitas"Sancta Simplicitas."—"Auntie, ought Bertie Wilson to havesmiledso often at me in church?""No, dear. Where was he sitting?""Behind me."
"Sancta Simplicitas."—"Auntie, ought Bertie Wilson to havesmiledso often at me in church?"
"No, dear. Where was he sitting?"
"Behind me."
Philanthropic Old LadyPhilanthropic Old Lady(to little boy caressing dog). "That is right, little boy, always be kind to animals."Little Boy."Yes, 'm. I'll have this tin can tied to his tail soon's I've got him quiet."
Philanthropic Old Lady(to little boy caressing dog). "That is right, little boy, always be kind to animals."Little Boy."Yes, 'm. I'll have this tin can tied to his tail soon's I've got him quiet."
Poor likkle doggie"Poor likkle doggie—hasn't got any fevvers on!"
"Poor likkle doggie—hasn't got any fevvers on!"
Wish I could catch a coldMaster Tom."Wish I could catch a cold just before Christmas."Effie."Why?"Master Tom."Well, ma's always sayin', 'feed a cold.' Wouldn't I?Just!"
Master Tom."Wish I could catch a cold just before Christmas."
Effie."Why?"
Master Tom."Well, ma's always sayin', 'feed a cold.' Wouldn't I?Just!"
may I have the fairy"Please, auntie,mayI have the fairy off the Christmas tree—if I don't ask you for it?"
"Please, auntie,mayI have the fairy off the Christmas tree—if I don't ask you for it?"
Shocked MotherShocked Mother."Oh, Tommy! What have you been doing?"Tommy(who has just returned from the first day of a preliminary course at the village school). "Fighting with Billy Brown."Mother."That horrid boy at the farm? Don't youeverquarrel with him again!"Tommy."I ain't likely to. He canlickme!"
Shocked Mother."Oh, Tommy! What have you been doing?"Tommy(who has just returned from the first day of a preliminary course at the village school). "Fighting with Billy Brown."Mother."That horrid boy at the farm? Don't youeverquarrel with him again!"Tommy."I ain't likely to. He canlickme!"
RUDIMENTS OF ECONOMYRUDIMENTS OF ECONOMY"May Ileavethis piece of bread, nurse?""Certainly not, Miss May. It's dreadful wasteful! and the day may come when you'llwanta piece of bread!""Then I'd betterkeepthis piece of bread till Idowant it, nurse. Hadn't I?"
"May Ileavethis piece of bread, nurse?"
"Certainly not, Miss May. It's dreadful wasteful! and the day may come when you'llwanta piece of bread!"
"Then I'd betterkeepthis piece of bread till Idowant it, nurse. Hadn't I?"
Blue FeverBlue Fever.—Visitor(after a long discourse on the virtues of temperance). "I'm glad to see a little boy here wearing the blue ribbon. That's a good little fellow. Persevere in your good——"Billie Groggins."Please, sir, I'mHoxford!"
Blue Fever.—Visitor(after a long discourse on the virtues of temperance). "I'm glad to see a little boy here wearing the blue ribbon. That's a good little fellow. Persevere in your good——"
Billie Groggins."Please, sir, I'mHoxford!"
just ain't people proud"Oh! just ain't people proud what have got pairasoles."
"Oh! just ain't people proud what have got pairasoles."
A Discussion on Diet.—Little Chris(to little Kate.) Does your governess get ill on mince pies?
Little Kate.I don't know! Why?
Little Chris.'Cause mine does. At dinner to-day she said, "If you eat any more of that pastry, I know you'll be ill." So shemusthave been so herself.
[Conference broken up by arrival of the lady in question.
WHAT IS ITWHAT IS IT?First Boy(loq.). "I tell yer its 'ed's here!—I seen it move!"Second Do."I say it's at this end, yer stoopid!—I can see 'is ears!"
First Boy(loq.). "I tell yer its 'ed's here!—I seen it move!"
Second Do."I say it's at this end, yer stoopid!—I can see 'is ears!"
that's what I've done for the cow-drawing competitionDolly."Auntie, that's what I've done for the cow-drawing competition at school."Auntie."But it is more like a horse than a cow."Dolly."Itisa horse. But, please, don't tell teacher!"
Dolly."Auntie, that's what I've done for the cow-drawing competition at school."Auntie."But it is more like a horse than a cow."Dolly."Itisa horse. But, please, don't tell teacher!"
THE GENTLE CRAFT"THE GENTLE CRAFT"Preceptor(after a lecture). "Now, what are the principal things that are obtained from the earth?"Pupil(and "disciple of Izaak Walton"). "Worms, sir!"[Loses fifty marks!
Preceptor(after a lecture). "Now, what are the principal things that are obtained from the earth?"
Pupil(and "disciple of Izaak Walton"). "Worms, sir!"
[Loses fifty marks!
A ConfessionA Confession.—Day Governess."How is it your French exercises are always done so much better than your Latin ones?"Tommy(after considering awhile). "I don't think auntie knows Latin."[Auntie, who was about to enter, quickly and quietly retires.
A Confession.—Day Governess."How is it your French exercises are always done so much better than your Latin ones?"
Tommy(after considering awhile). "I don't think auntie knows Latin."
[Auntie, who was about to enter, quickly and quietly retires.
What are you doing"What are you doing in that cupboard, Cyril?" "Hush, auntie! I'm pretending to be a thief!"
"What are you doing in that cupboard, Cyril?" "Hush, auntie! I'm pretending to be a thief!"
RETALIATIONRETALIATION"Tut, tut, my boy! You must not beat that little dog so. Has he bitten you?""No, 'e ain't. But 'e's bin an' swallered my fardin!"
"Tut, tut, my boy! You must not beat that little dog so. Has he bitten you?"
"No, 'e ain't. But 'e's bin an' swallered my fardin!"
A REMINISCENCE OF LENTA REMINISCENCE OF LENT"And did you both practise a little self-denial, and agree to give up something you were fond of?—sugar, for instance,—as I suggested?""Well, yes, auntie! Only it wasn't exactlysugar, you know! It wassoapwe agreed to give up!"
"And did you both practise a little self-denial, and agree to give up something you were fond of?—sugar, for instance,—as I suggested?"
"Well, yes, auntie! Only it wasn't exactlysugar, you know! It wassoapwe agreed to give up!"
SUBTLE DISCRIMINATIONSUBTLE DISCRIMINATIONEthel(to Jack, who has been put into the corner by the new governess). "I'm so sorry for you, Jack!"Jack."Bosh! who cares! This ain't arealcorner, you know!"
Ethel(to Jack, who has been put into the corner by the new governess). "I'm so sorry for you, Jack!"
Jack."Bosh! who cares! This ain't arealcorner, you know!"
A CANDID INQUIRERA CANDID INQUIRER"I say, John, is there anything I haven't tasted?""No, sir, I think not—except water!"
"I say, John, is there anything I haven't tasted?"
"No, sir, I think not—except water!"
Mother says I am descended from Mary Queen o' ScotsEva."Mother says I am descended from Mary Queen o' Scots."Tom."So am I then, Eva."Eva."Don't be so silly, Tom! You can't be. You're a boy!"
Eva."Mother says I am descended from Mary Queen o' Scots."Tom."So am I then, Eva."Eva."Don't be so silly, Tom! You can't be. You're a boy!"