Is it a board school you go toOld Gent."Is it aboard schoolyou go to, my dear?"Child."No, sir. I believe it be abrickone!"
Old Gent."Is it aboard schoolyou go to, my dear?"Child."No, sir. I believe it be abrickone!"
Is your wound soreKitty."Is your wound sore, Mr. Pup?"Mr. Pup."Wound! What wound?"Kitty."Why, sister said she cut you at the dinner last night!"
Kitty."Is your wound sore, Mr. Pup?"Mr. Pup."Wound! What wound?"Kitty."Why, sister said she cut you at the dinner last night!"
How many steps can you jump, grandma?Little Boy."How many steps can you jump, grandma? I can jumpfour!"
Little Boy."How many steps can you jump, grandma? I can jumpfour!"
INDUCTIONINDUCTION"Is this thenewbaby, daddy?"—"Yes, dear.""Why, he's got no teeth!"—"No, dear.""And he's got no hair!"—"No, dear.""Oh, daddy, itmustbe anoldbaby!"
"Is this thenewbaby, daddy?"—"Yes, dear."
"Why, he's got no teeth!"—"No, dear."
"And he's got no hair!"—"No, dear."
"Oh, daddy, itmustbe anoldbaby!"
It's an ill wind"It's an ill wind blows nobody good."
Horrified little girl(seeing her mamma in evening dress for the first time). Oh, mummy, you'renevergoing down like that! You've forgotten to put on your top part!
Come 'ere out of the rine"Hi, silly! Come 'ere out of the rine!"
"Hi, silly! Come 'ere out of the rine!"
English History.—"And who was the king who had so many wives?"
"Bluebeard!"
HER FIRST WASPHER FIRST WASPPoor Effie (who has been stung)."First it walked about all over my hand, and itwasso nice! But oh!—when it sat down!"
Poor Effie (who has been stung)."First it walked about all over my hand, and itwasso nice! But oh!—when it sat down!"
Very NaturalVery Natural.—"Vell, and vat to you sink tit happen to me at Matame Tussaud's de oder tay? A laty dook me for vun of de vax vickers, and agdually abbollochised vor her misdake!""O what fun, Mr. Schmitz! And was it in the Chamber of Horrors?"
Very Natural.—"Vell, and vat to you sink tit happen to me at Matame Tussaud's de oder tay? A laty dook me for vun of de vax vickers, and agdually abbollochised vor her misdake!"
"O what fun, Mr. Schmitz! And was it in the Chamber of Horrors?"
True DistinctionTrue Distinction.—Mamma (improving the occasion)."I like your new suit immensely, Gerald! But you must recollect that it's not the coat that makes the gentleman!"Gerald."No, mamma! I know it's thehat!"
True Distinction.—Mamma (improving the occasion)."I like your new suit immensely, Gerald! But you must recollect that it's not the coat that makes the gentleman!"Gerald."No, mamma! I know it's thehat!"
Little MontagueLittle Montague."I was awake when Santa Claus came, dad!"Father."Were you? And what was he like, eh?"Little Montague."Oh, I couldn't see him—it was dark, you know. But when he bumped himself on the washstand he said——"Father (hastily)."There, that'll do, Monty. Run away and play!"
Little Montague."I was awake when Santa Claus came, dad!"Father."Were you? And what was he like, eh?"Little Montague."Oh, I couldn't see him—it was dark, you know. But when he bumped himself on the washstand he said——"Father (hastily)."There, that'll do, Monty. Run away and play!"
A Rara AvisA Rara Avis.—Little Girl (finishing her description of the Battle of Cressy)."And ever since then the Prince of Wales has been born with feathers!"
A Rara Avis.—Little Girl (finishing her description of the Battle of Cressy)."And ever since then the Prince of Wales has been born with feathers!"
A Head for BusinessA Head for Business.—Mamma."I meant to give you a threepenny bit this morning, Bobby, but in my hurry I think I gave you sixpence, so——"Bobby."Yes, mummy, but I haven't spent it all yet. So will you give it me to-morrow?"Mamma."Give you what, dear?"Bobby."The threepenny bit youmeantto give me to-day!"
A Head for Business.—Mamma."I meant to give you a threepenny bit this morning, Bobby, but in my hurry I think I gave you sixpence, so——"Bobby."Yes, mummy, but I haven't spent it all yet. So will you give it me to-morrow?"Mamma."Give you what, dear?"Bobby."The threepenny bit youmeantto give me to-day!"
CHILD OF THE PERIODTHE CHILD OF THE PERIOD"Why did that policeman touch his hat to you, aunty? Have you got one as well as nurse?"
"Why did that policeman touch his hat to you, aunty? Have you got one as well as nurse?"
may I—have gasBEFORE THE HEADFourth Form Boy (with recollections of a recent visit to the dentist)."Please, sir, may I—may I—have gas?"
Fourth Form Boy (with recollections of a recent visit to the dentist)."Please, sir, may I—may I—have gas?"
Adding Insult to Injury.—"Mamma,isn'tit very wicked to do behind one's back what one wouldn't do before one's face?"
"Certainly, Effie!"
"Well, baby bit my finger when I was looking another way!"
By Authority"By Authority."—Street Boy (sternly)."P'lice-Serge'nt says as you're t' have your door-way swep' immediat'; an' (more meekly) me an' my mate's willin' to do it, s'!
"By Authority."—Street Boy (sternly)."P'lice-Serge'nt says as you're t' have your door-way swep' immediat'; an' (more meekly) me an' my mate's willin' to do it, s'!
Wiv our combOld Gentleman (who has received a present of butter from one of his tenants)."And how does your mother make all these beautiful patterns on the pats, my dear?"Messenger."Wiv our comb, sir!"
Old Gentleman (who has received a present of butter from one of his tenants)."And how does your mother make all these beautiful patterns on the pats, my dear?"Messenger."Wiv our comb, sir!"
A FATAL OBJECTIONA FATAL OBJECTION"Mother, are the Wondergilts very rich?" "Yes, Silvia, very." "Mother, I hope we shall never be rich?" "Why, darling?" "It must be so very expensive!"
"Mother, are the Wondergilts very rich?" "Yes, Silvia, very." "Mother, I hope we shall never be rich?" "Why, darling?" "It must be so very expensive!"
Have you lost yourselfLady."Have you lost yourself, little boy?"Little Boy."No—boo-hoo—I've found a street I don't know!"
Lady."Have you lost yourself, little boy?"
Little Boy."No—boo-hoo—I've found a street I don't know!"
ENFANT TERRIBLE"ENFANT TERRIBLE""I've brought you a glass of wine, Mr. Professor.Pleasedrink it!""Vat! Pefore tinner? Ach, vy?""Because mummy says you drink like a fish, and I want to see you——!"
"I've brought you a glass of wine, Mr. Professor.Pleasedrink it!"
"Vat! Pefore tinner? Ach, vy?"
"Because mummy says you drink like a fish, and I want to see you——!"
SPREAD OF EDUCATIONTHE SPREAD OF EDUCATION"Come and 'ave a look, Marier. They've been and put a chick on a lidy's 'at, and they don't know 'ow to spell it!"
"Come and 'ave a look, Marier. They've been and put a chick on a lidy's 'at, and they don't know 'ow to spell it!"
WELL OUT OF IT"WELL OUT OF IT"Uncle."And you love your enemies, Ethel?"Ethel (promptly)."Yeth, uncle."Uncle."And who are your enemies, dear?"Ethel (in an awful whisper)."The dev——"[The old gentleman doesn't see his way further, and drops the subject.
Uncle."And you love your enemies, Ethel?"
Ethel (promptly)."Yeth, uncle."
Uncle."And who are your enemies, dear?"
Ethel (in an awful whisper)."The dev——"
[The old gentleman doesn't see his way further, and drops the subject.
OUR CHILDRENOUR CHILDRENNurse."You dreadful children! Wherehaveyou been?"Young Hopeful."Oh, nursie, we've been trying to drown those dear little ducks, but theywillcome to the top!"
Nurse."You dreadful children! Wherehaveyou been?"
Young Hopeful."Oh, nursie, we've been trying to drown those dear little ducks, but theywillcome to the top!"
Because their mothers won't let themAuntie."Do you know you are playing with two very naughty little boys, Johnny?"Johnny."Yes."Auntie."You do! I'm surprised. Why don't you play with good little boys?"Johnny."Because their mothers won't let them!"
Auntie."Do you know you are playing with two very naughty little boys, Johnny?"Johnny."Yes."Auntie."You do! I'm surprised. Why don't you play with good little boys?"Johnny."Because their mothers won't let them!"
TAKING TIME BY THE FORELOCKTAKING TIME BY THE FORELOCKGwendoline."Uncle George says every woman ought to have a profession, and I think he's quite right!"Mamma."Indeed! And what profession do you mean to choose?"Gwendoline."I mean to be a professional beauty!"
Gwendoline."Uncle George says every woman ought to have a profession, and I think he's quite right!"
Mamma."Indeed! And what profession do you mean to choose?"
Gwendoline."I mean to be a professional beauty!"
EXPERIENTIA DOCETEXPERIENTIA DOCET.—Master George (whispers)."I say! Kitty! Has mamma been telling you she'd give you 'a lovely spoonful of delicious currant jelly, O so nice, so VERY nice'?"Miss Kitty."Ess Cullen' jelly! O so ni', so welly ni'!"Master George."THEN DON'T TAKE IT!!"
EXPERIENTIA DOCET.—Master George (whispers)."I say! Kitty! Has mamma been telling you she'd give you 'a lovely spoonful of delicious currant jelly, O so nice, so VERY nice'?"Miss Kitty."Ess Cullen' jelly! O so ni', so welly ni'!"Master George."THEN DON'T TAKE IT!!"
Evil CommunicationsEvil Communications,&c.—Elder of Twins."It'sveryvulgar to say 'you beblowed' to each other, like those men do. Isn't it, Uncle Fred?"Uncle Fred."I believe itisgenerally considered so, my dear!"Elder of Twins."Yes, indeed! Ethel and I, you know,wealways say, 'you beblown!'"
Evil Communications,&c.—Elder of Twins."It'sveryvulgar to say 'you beblowed' to each other, like those men do. Isn't it, Uncle Fred?"Uncle Fred."I believe itisgenerally considered so, my dear!"Elder of Twins."Yes, indeed! Ethel and I, you know,wealways say, 'you beblown!'"
Mens ConsciaMens Conscia.—Inspector(who notices a backwardness in history). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (No answer.)Inspector(more urgently). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (No answer.)Inspector(angrily). "Who signed Magna Charta?"Scapegrace(thinking matters are beginning to look serious). "Please, sir, 'twasn't me, sir!!"
Mens Conscia.—Inspector(who notices a backwardness in history). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (No answer.)Inspector(more urgently). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (No answer.)Inspector(angrily). "Who signed Magna Charta?"Scapegrace(thinking matters are beginning to look serious). "Please, sir, 'twasn't me, sir!!"
Trop de Zele"Trop de Zele!"—(Tommy, a conscientious boy, has been told that he must remain perfectly still, as his mamma wants to take a nap.) (Tommy in the middle of the nap). "Mamma! Mamma! what shall I do?I want to cough!"
"Trop de Zele!"—(Tommy, a conscientious boy, has been told that he must remain perfectly still, as his mamma wants to take a nap.) (Tommy in the middle of the nap). "Mamma! Mamma! what shall I do?I want to cough!"
TENDER CONSIDERATIONTENDER CONSIDERATION"Oh,don'tmake faces at him, Effie! It mightfrightenhim, you know!"
"Oh,don'tmake faces at him, Effie! It mightfrightenhim, you know!"
BY PROXY"BY PROXY."Humorous Little Boy."Plea' sir, will you ring the bottom bell but one, four times, sir?"Old Gent(gouty, and a little deaf, but so fond o' children). "Bottom bell but one, four times, my boy?" (Effusively.) "Certainly, that I will!"[In the meantime off go the boys, and, at the third peal, the irritable old lady on the ground floor——Tableau!
Humorous Little Boy."Plea' sir, will you ring the bottom bell but one, four times, sir?"
Old Gent(gouty, and a little deaf, but so fond o' children). "Bottom bell but one, four times, my boy?" (Effusively.) "Certainly, that I will!"
[In the meantime off go the boys, and, at the third peal, the irritable old lady on the ground floor——Tableau!
News from HomeNews from Home.—Aunt Mary."I've just had a letter from your papa, Geoffrey. He says you've got a little brother, who'll be a nice companion for you some day!"Geoffrey."Oh!——does mummy know?"
News from Home.—Aunt Mary."I've just had a letter from your papa, Geoffrey. He says you've got a little brother, who'll be a nice companion for you some day!"Geoffrey."Oh!——does mummy know?"
UTILE CUM DULCIUTILE CUM DULCIArry."Ain't yer comin' along with me, Bill?"Piscator(the Doctor's Boy). "No, Iain'ta comin' along with you, I tell yer! I'm a runnin' on a errand."
Arry."Ain't yer comin' along with me, Bill?"
Piscator(the Doctor's Boy). "No, Iain'ta comin' along with you, I tell yer! I'm a runnin' on a errand."
ZoologyZoology.(It appears to be coming to that at the Board Schools.)—Examiner(to small aspirant to the twenty-fourth standard). "Can you tell me anything peculiar about the cuckoo, in regard to nesting?"Student."Yes, sir. Please, sir, he don't lay his own eggs hisself, sir!!"
Zoology.(It appears to be coming to that at the Board Schools.)—Examiner(to small aspirant to the twenty-fourth standard). "Can you tell me anything peculiar about the cuckoo, in regard to nesting?"Student."Yes, sir. Please, sir, he don't lay his own eggs hisself, sir!!"
FIRST VISIT TO THE ZOOTHEIR FIRST VISIT TO THE ZOOTommy."Them ain't donkeys, Billy?"Billy."Yus, they is! They're donkeys with their football jerseys on!"
Tommy."Them ain't donkeys, Billy?"
Billy."Yus, they is! They're donkeys with their football jerseys on!"
A Spoilt StoryA Spoilt Story.—Brown(in the middle of tall shooting story). "Hardly had I taken aim at the lion on my right, when I heard a rustle in the jungle grass, and perceived an enormous tiger approaching on my left. I now found myself on the horns of a dilemma!"Interested Little Boy."Oh, and which did you shoot first—the lion, or the tiger, or the d'lemma?"
A Spoilt Story.—Brown(in the middle of tall shooting story). "Hardly had I taken aim at the lion on my right, when I heard a rustle in the jungle grass, and perceived an enormous tiger approaching on my left. I now found myself on the horns of a dilemma!"Interested Little Boy."Oh, and which did you shoot first—the lion, or the tiger, or the d'lemma?"
I'm in evening dressUncle(about to start for a concert at Marine Pavilion). "But, my dear Nora, you don't surely propose to go without your shoes and stockings?"Nora."I'm in evening dress, uncle—only it's the other end."
Uncle(about to start for a concert at Marine Pavilion). "But, my dear Nora, you don't surely propose to go without your shoes and stockings?"Nora."I'm in evening dress, uncle—only it's the other end."
The Tertium QuidThe Tertium Quid.—"Do you know, Mabel, I believe if I weren't here, Captain Spooner would kiss you." "Leave the room this instant, you impertinent little boy!"
The Tertium Quid.—"Do you know, Mabel, I believe if I weren't here, Captain Spooner would kiss you." "Leave the room this instant, you impertinent little boy!"
A ClincherA Clincher.—"Get up, and see the time, Eva. I don't know how to tell it." "No more do I." "O, you horrid story-teller, I taught you myself!"
A Clincher.—"Get up, and see the time, Eva. I don't know how to tell it." "No more do I." "O, you horrid story-teller, I taught you myself!"
CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASESCIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES"What!allthat for grandpa.""No, darling. It's for you.""Oh! what a little bit!"
"What!allthat for grandpa."
"No, darling. It's for you."
"Oh! what a little bit!"
BRUSHING PA'S NEW HATBRUSHING PA'S NEW HATEdith."Now, Tommy, you keep turning slowly, till we've done it all round."
Edith."Now, Tommy, you keep turning slowly, till we've done it all round."
Mother speaking to boyMother."But, Jacky, I don't think a clock-work engine would be a good toy for you to give baby. He's such a little thing, he'd only break it."Jacky."Oh, but, mother, I'dpromiseyou I'd never let him eventouchit!"
Mother."But, Jacky, I don't think a clock-work engine would be a good toy for you to give baby. He's such a little thing, he'd only break it."Jacky."Oh, but, mother, I'dpromiseyou I'd never let him eventouchit!"
FESTIVE SEASONTHE FESTIVE SEASONPrecocious Infant."Help yourself, and pass the bottle!"
Precocious Infant."Help yourself, and pass the bottle!"
Different Points of ViewDifferent Points of View.—Maud(with much sympathy in her voice). "Only fancy, mamma, Uncle Jack took us to a picture gallery in Bond Street, and there we saw a picture of a lot of early christians, poor dears, who'd been thrown to a lot of lions and tigers, who were devouring them!"Ethel(with still more sympathy). "Yes, and mamma dear, there wasonepoor tiger thathadn't gota christian!"
Different Points of View.—Maud(with much sympathy in her voice). "Only fancy, mamma, Uncle Jack took us to a picture gallery in Bond Street, and there we saw a picture of a lot of early christians, poor dears, who'd been thrown to a lot of lions and tigers, who were devouring them!"Ethel(with still more sympathy). "Yes, and mamma dear, there wasonepoor tiger thathadn't gota christian!"
if you promise not to say 'hang itMother(to son, who has been growing rather free of speech). "Tommy, if you promise not to say 'hang it!' again, I'll give you sixpence."Tommy."All right, ma. But I know another word that's worth half-a-crown!"
Mother(to son, who has been growing rather free of speech). "Tommy, if you promise not to say 'hang it!' again, I'll give you sixpence."Tommy."All right, ma. But I know another word that's worth half-a-crown!"
BETWEEN THE ACTSBETWEEN THE ACTSGoverness."Well, Marjorie, have you done crying?"Marjorie."No—I haven't. I'm onlyresting!"
Governess."Well, Marjorie, have you done crying?"
Marjorie."No—I haven't. I'm onlyresting!"
A Wise ChildA Wise Child.—Inspector."Suppose I lent your father £100 in June, and he promised to pay me back £10 on the first of every month, how much would he owe me at the end of the year? Now think well before you answer."Pupil."£100, sir.Inspector."You're a very ignorant little girl. You don't know the most elementary rules of arithmetic!"Pupil."Ah, sir, but you don't know father!"
A Wise Child.—Inspector."Suppose I lent your father £100 in June, and he promised to pay me back £10 on the first of every month, how much would he owe me at the end of the year? Now think well before you answer."Pupil."£100, sir.Inspector."You're a very ignorant little girl. You don't know the most elementary rules of arithmetic!"Pupil."Ah, sir, but you don't know father!"
ConscientiousnessConscientiousness.—Miss Fitzogre."Well, good-bye, Percival, and be a good boy!"Percival(a very good boy, who has just been specially warned not to make personal remarks about people in their presence). "Good-bye, I'll not tell nurse what I think of your nose till you're gone!"
Conscientiousness.—Miss Fitzogre."Well, good-bye, Percival, and be a good boy!"Percival(a very good boy, who has just been specially warned not to make personal remarks about people in their presence). "Good-bye, I'll not tell nurse what I think of your nose till you're gone!"
Why is the little girl cryingPorter."Why is the little girl crying, missie?"Little Girl."'Cos' she has put her penny in there, and no choc'late nor nuffing's come'd out!"
Porter."Why is the little girl crying, missie?"Little Girl."'Cos' she has put her penny in there, and no choc'late nor nuffing's come'd out!"
NOT UNLIKELYNOT UNLIKELY"Well, well! And was baby frightened of his daddy den!"
"Well, well! And was baby frightened of his daddy den!"
She's broken the patternDorothy(who has found a broken nest-egg). "Oh, mummy, what a pity! My black hen will never be able to lay any more eggs. She's broken the pattern!"
Dorothy(who has found a broken nest-egg). "Oh, mummy, what a pity! My black hen will never be able to lay any more eggs. She's broken the pattern!"
WASTED SYMPATHYWASTED SYMPATHYKind-hearted Lady."Poor child! What a dreadfully swollen cheek you have! Is it a tooth?"Poor Child(with difficulty). "No 'm—it's a sweet!"
Kind-hearted Lady."Poor child! What a dreadfully swollen cheek you have! Is it a tooth?"
Poor Child(with difficulty). "No 'm—it's a sweet!"
PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIALPRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL"I'll tell you something, Miss Bullion. My sister Maud's going to marry your brother Dick. But don't say anything about it, 'cos he doesn't know it himself yet!"
"I'll tell you something, Miss Bullion. My sister Maud's going to marry your brother Dick. But don't say anything about it, 'cos he doesn't know it himself yet!"
is that why you stutter?Softly."Yes, I was b-b-orn with a s-s-s-ilver s-s-poon in my m-m-m-outh."Kitty."Oh, Mr. Softly, is that why you stutter?"
Softly."Yes, I was b-b-orn with a s-s-s-ilver s-s-poon in my m-m-m-outh."Kitty."Oh, Mr. Softly, is that why you stutter?"
Well up in her MythologyWell up in her Mythology.—Tommy."Madge, what's 'necessitas,' masculine or feminine?"Madge."Why, feminine, of course."Tommy."Why?"Madge."Why, she was the mother of invention."
Well up in her Mythology.—Tommy."Madge, what's 'necessitas,' masculine or feminine?"Madge."Why, feminine, of course."Tommy."Why?"Madge."Why, she was the mother of invention."
WHAT TOMMY OVERHEARDWHAT TOMMY OVERHEARDMrs. Jinks."That's Signor Scrapeski just passed. He plays the violin like an angel."Tommy."Mummy, dear, do the angels say 'dam' when a string breaks?"
Mrs. Jinks."That's Signor Scrapeski just passed. He plays the violin like an angel."
Tommy."Mummy, dear, do the angels say 'dam' when a string breaks?"
QUESTION AND ANSWERQUESTION AND ANSWERMamma."Who was the first man, 'Lina?"'Lina."I forget."Mamma."Already? Why, Adam, to be sure! And who was the first woman?"'Lina(after a thoughtful pause). "Madam!"
Mamma."Who was the first man, 'Lina?"
'Lina."I forget."
Mamma."Already? Why, Adam, to be sure! And who was the first woman?"
'Lina(after a thoughtful pause). "Madam!"
SHEER IGNORANCESHEER IGNORANCEBenevolent Person."Come, my little man, you musn't cry like that!"Boy."Garn! 'Ow am I to cry then?"
Benevolent Person."Come, my little man, you musn't cry like that!"
Boy."Garn! 'Ow am I to cry then?"
I 'aven't got no foots in 'em"I say, Billie, teacher says as if we 'angs our stockings up on C'ris'mas Eve, Santa Claus 'll fill 'em with presents!" "It'll take 'im all 'is time to fillmine. I 'aven't got no foots in 'em!"
"I say, Billie, teacher says as if we 'angs our stockings up on C'ris'mas Eve, Santa Claus 'll fill 'em with presents!" "It'll take 'im all 'is time to fillmine. I 'aven't got no foots in 'em!"
On his DignityOn his Dignity.—Sam."Mamma bought me a pair of gloves yesterday."Auntie."Really! What are they? Kids?"Sam."No, they're men's."
On his Dignity.—Sam."Mamma bought me a pair of gloves yesterday."Auntie."Really! What are they? Kids?"Sam."No, they're men's."
wot are thoseSharp(but vulgar)little boy. "Hallo, missus, wot are those?"Old Woman."Twopence."Boy."What a lie! They're apples."[Exit, whistling popular air.
Sharp(but vulgar)little boy. "Hallo, missus, wot are those?"Old Woman."Twopence."Boy."What a lie! They're apples."
[Exit, whistling popular air.
A Difficult Case.—Mamma.You're a very naughty boy, Tommy, and I shall have to buy a whip, and give you a good whipping.Nowwill you be good?
Tommy(with hesitation). Shall I be allowed to keep the whip after, mammy?
Do you know what a lie isOld Gent."Do you know what a lie is, sir?"Little Boy."Oh, don't I, jest; I tells lots of 'em."
Old Gent."Do you know what a lie is, sir?"Little Boy."Oh, don't I, jest; I tells lots of 'em."
can we sing yer some Christmas carolsOld Lady."No, thanks. I don't want any for the garden to-day."Boy."Well, then, can we sing yer some Christmas carols instead?"
Old Lady."No, thanks. I don't want any for the garden to-day."Boy."Well, then, can we sing yer some Christmas carols instead?"
OVERHEARD IN BOND STREETOVERHEARD IN BOND STREET"Which of 'em would yer 'ave for a muvver, Billy?
"Which of 'em would yer 'ave for a muvver, Billy?
EXPERIENTIA DOCETEXPERIENTIA DOCET"And areyougoing to give me something for my birthday, aunty Maud?""Of course, darling.""Thendon'tlet it besomething useful!"
"And areyougoing to give me something for my birthday, aunty Maud?"
"Of course, darling."
"Thendon'tlet it besomething useful!"
Isn't it SundayMamma."You mustn't bowl your hoop in the front on Sunday. You must go into the back garden."Tommy."Isn't it Sunday in the back garden, mamma?"
Mamma."You mustn't bowl your hoop in the front on Sunday. You must go into the back garden."Tommy."Isn't it Sunday in the back garden, mamma?"
A PROTESTA PROTEST"And pray, am Ineverto be naughty, Miss Grimm?"
"And pray, am Ineverto be naughty, Miss Grimm?"
A NEW TESTA NEW TESTAunt(in alarm). "Surelyyou've eaten enough, haven't you, Tommy?"Tommy(in doubt). "F-f-f-feel me!"
Aunt(in alarm). "Surelyyou've eaten enough, haven't you, Tommy?"Tommy(in doubt). "F-f-f-feel me!"
Sunday Schooling.—Teacher.What does one mean by "Heaping coals of fire on someone's head" now, Harry Hawkins?
Harry Hawkins.Givin' it 'im 'ot, teacher!
Auntie.Do you love the chickens, dear?
Dolly.Yes, Auntie. But I do wish this big one hadn't such a funny laugh!
Bilious Old UncleBilious Old Uncle."I'm delighted to see this fall; it will give that dreadful boy chilblains, and he'll be laid up out of mischief."
Bilious Old Uncle."I'm delighted to see this fall; it will give that dreadful boy chilblains, and he'll be laid up out of mischief."
Occupation of "that dreadful boy"Occupation of "that dreadful boy" at the same period.
Occupation of "that dreadful boy" at the same period.
Chronology.—Old Gentleman("putting a few questions"). Now, boys—ah—can any of you tell me what commandment Adam broke when he took the forbidden fruit?
Small Scholar("like a shot"). Please, sir, th'worn't no commandments then, sir!
[Questioner sits corrected.
During Tea
During Tea
Yes,isn'tit a pretty sight.... Oh, they'remuchtoo busy to talk at present.... Well, if youwouldtake this cup of tea to my little girl, dear Mr. Muffett, it would be so——Yes, in the white frock....Praydon't apologise—some tea upsetssoeasily, doesn't it?... Oh! I don't suppose it will show, really, and if itdoes.... Please, will everybody keep quite quiet for a minute or two; I haven't said my grace.... Don't you think it's unfair of nurse? She's handed me bread-and-butter twice running!... I mustn't eat sponge-cake, thank you. Bath buns are better for me than anything.... I wassoill after Christmas. They took my temperament with the barometer, and it was two hundred and six!... Oh! that's nothing. WhenIwas ill, the doctor said mine was perfectly Norman!... Well, youmightlower that candleshade averylittle, perhaps,Mr. Muffett.... Ah! don't blow it out.... Throw it into the fire, quick!... It doesn't matter in theleast. No; I wouldn't trouble about theothershades, thanks.... Mother, will you read me the text out of my cracker?... But if you're going to be a soldier, you oughtn't to shut your eyes when you pull a cracker.... Oh! when I'm a soldier, I needn'tgoto parties.
During a Performance of Punch and Judy
During a Performance of Punch and Judy
A Thoughtful Child.What a dreadful thing it would be to have a papa like Punch!
A Puzzled Child.Mother, why is the man at the side sopoliteto Punch? He calls him "Sir"—is Punchreallya gentleman?
A Good Little Girl.I do wish they would leave all the fighting out; it must set such a bad example to children.
An Appreciative Boy.Oh! I say,didyou hear what the clown said then? He said something had frightened all the hair off his head except that little tuft at the top, and it turnedthatsky-blue!
[He goes into fits of laughter.
A Matter-of-fact Boy.Yes, I heard—but I don't believe itcould.
The Child of the House.Iamso glad Tip is shut up downstairs, because I'm afraid, if he'd been up here and seen Toby act, he'd have wanted to run away and go on the stage himself, and I don't think he's the sort of dog who would ever be asuccess, you know!
During the Dancing
During the Dancing
Jack.I say, Mabel, you've got to dance the "Washington Post" withme.
Mabel.I can't. I've promised Teddy Thistledown.
Jack.Oh!that'sall right. I swapped with him for a Nicaragua stamp.
Mabel(touched). But aren't they rare? Didn't you want it yourself?
Jack.Oh! I don't collect, you know.
George(to Ethel). They've given us the whole of "Ivanhoe" to mug up for a holiday task. Isn't it a beastly shame?
Ethel.But don't you like Scott?
George.Oh! I don't mindScottso much. It's having to grind in the holidays thatIbar.
Hester(to Roland). Shall you go to the pantomime this year?
Roland.I don't think so. I'm going to lectures at the Royal Institution instead.
Hester.That isn't as jolly as the pantomime, is it?
Roland(impartially). Not while it's going on, but a lot jollier after it's over.
Mr. Poffley(a middle-aged bachelor, who "likes to make himself useful at parties," and is good-naturedly waltzing with little Miss Chillington). Have you—er—been to many parties?
Miss Chillington(a child of the world). About the usual amount. There's generally a good deal going on just now, isn't there?
Mr. Poffley.A—I suppose so. I go out so little now that I've almost forgottenhowto dance.
Miss Chillington.Then youdidknow once!
Mr. Poffley(completely demoralised). I—er—you would rather stop?