ACT IV.

ACT IV.Scene:Library atDr. Athelney’s.Mrs. Van Brughdiscovered seated, reading letters.Mrs. V. B.“The Rev. Mr. Twemlow presents his compliments to Mrs. Van Brugh, and begs to return her annual subscription of fifty guineas to the Fund for providing Shelter for the Homeless Poor. He does not feel justified, under the circumstances, in accepting any aid from Mrs. Van Brugh on their behalf. With respect to the living to which Mrs. Van Brugh has recently presented Mr. Twemlow, he desires that she may understand that, if he consents to retain it, it is because he feels that it affords him a more extended sphere of spiritual usefulness than the curacy he has hitherto held.” (Opens another letter.) “We, the aged occupants of the Locroft Almshouses, are humbly pained and respectfully shocked at the disclosures that have recently been made with reference to Miss Brandreth’s relations with the late Captain Van Brugh. We trust that it is unnecessary for us to add that, if it were not that the Almshouses pass at once from Miss Brandreth’s hands into those of an upright and stainless Christian, whom it is an honor respectfully to know and a satisfaction humbly to profit by, we would not have consented to occupy them for another day; we would rather have worked for our living. Signed.” (Opens another letter.)“Honored Madam,“We shall feel greatly flattered and obliged if you will kindly afford us a sitting for your photograph at your earliest convenience.“We are, Honored Madam,“With much esteem,“Most respectfully yours,“Scumley & Ripp.”When these people address me, I am degraded indeed! My name a word of reproach in every household in the country; my story a thing to be whispered and hinted at, but not to be openly discussed, by reason of its very shame. My years of atonement held to be mere evidences of skillfully sustained hypocrisy. Myself a confessed counterfeit, a base and worthless imposition, a living fraud on the immaculate beings with whom I dared to surround myself. And Ruth—Ruth, to whom my heart opened—even Ruth has left me. Poor blind, wayward woman, you are of the world, worldly; your idol is shattered, and there is the end. So let it be; it is meet that such as I should be alone!EnterEve, who has overheard the last few lines. She approaches her mother quietly, and places her arms round her neck.Eve.Mamma, you have many kind friends left to you; Dr. Athelney, who has given you a home; Edward and myself.Mrs. V. B.A daughter’s love comes of honor. Can that love live without the honor that gives it sustenance?Eve.Mamma, I am very young, and I know little of the world and its ways. Will you forgive me if I speak foolishly? Dear mamma, I think my love for you began with my life. It was born with me, and came of no other cause than that you are my mother. As I brought it with me into the world, so I believe I shall take it with me out of the world. Do you understand me? I mean, that if I had no other reason for loving than that you are my mother, I should still love you, for I am your child.Mrs. V. B.A child to whom I have given a life that is worse than death; a life that brings with it a curse that will be flung in your teeth by all who know you, and first of all, and above all, by him who was to have married you.Eve.No, no; your bitter sorrow has made you unjust. Remember, he loves me. I do not know why he loves me, but whatever he saw in me to love is there still.Iam not changed, and why shouldhechange? I trust his heart as I trust my own.Mrs. V. B.Eve, I know the world too well. That man will visit my fault upon you. He will renounce you now, my poor child, and the world will say he is right.Eve.I will believe this when I hear it from his own lips.Mrs. V. B.You will hear it to-day. It is part of the punishment of women who sin as I have sinned, that those who are dearest to them shall suffer with them. See how I am punished. I have placed a mark of shame on you whom I love beyond all on earth. I have inflicted a lasting injury on you whom I would have died to serve. I have cursed you whom I would have blessed. I have degraded you whom I would have exalted. Eve, my darling—out of my sin has come your love for me. I have no claim to that love. I have cheated you into honoring me; for that honor comes of my sin. I do not ask for love—I do not ask for honor. Humbled, unworthy, and spirit-broken, I plead to you for pardon—only for pardon. (Kneels toEve.)Eve.Pardon! My mother—my gentle-hearted mother. There is no thought in my mind but of the perfect woman of the past eighteen years. The luster of those years fills my world. I can see nothing else; I will see nothing else. As you have always been to me, so shall you always be—the type of gentle charity, tender helpfulness, brave, large-hearted womanly sympathy. When the bright light of those bygone years pales in my eyes, thenlet me suffer ten times the sorrow of to-day, for indeed I shall have deserved it. (She rises and they embrace.)EnterFitz Partingtoncautiously,l.Mrs. V. B.Mr. Fitz Partington?Fitz.Yes, but don’t be alarmed. If it is open to a person in my debased position to be regarded as a friend, regard me as one.Mrs. V. B.Mr. Fitz Partington, I did you an injustice when I saw you last—I doubted you. Will you forgive me? (Holding out her hand.)Fitz.(much affected, takes it). Ma’am, this is the most unprofessional moment of my career. No one ever apologized to me before. It is very unmanning. It is like having a tooth out. I hope no one will ever apologize to me again.Eve.Have you brought us any news, Mr. Fitz Partington? I am sure you are here for some kind purpose.Fitz.It is my fate to appear continually before you in the character of the Mysterious Warner of penny romance. Mrs. Van Brugh, once more, beware of Smailey. That abject man is going at you again.Mrs. V. B.Has he not done with me yet? Can I be poorer than I am—or more unhappy—or more despised?Fitz.He proposes to make you so, but he will be sold.Eve.But with what motive does he do this?Fitz.Revenge. To adapt the words of the poet to Smailey’s frame of mind, “Revenge is sweet, especially on women.”Mrs. V. B.Revenge onme! Through him, whom I have never injured, I have lost my home, my fortune, and my good name, andheseeks revenge onme?Fitz.Mrs. Van Brugh, if it is a source of pain to you to know that your friends have cutyou, it may console you to know, that in their strict impartiality they have also cuthim. He is hooted in the streets. His windows are a public cockshy. Nobody is at home to him, and though he is at home to everybody, it is to no purpose. The very tradesmen refuse to supply him. He is a desolate, and a hungry being, and nobody calls on him except the taxes.Eve.I fear, Mr. Fitz Partington, that you may yourself have suffered from your association with this man.Fitz.(toEve). I? I believe you! Why I go about in fear of my life. Not only am I deprived of the necessaries of existence, but I have become the very focus of public execration. I couldn’t be more unpopular if I had come down to stand for the borough.Eve.But, Mr. Fitz Partington, how in heaven’s name does he propose to injure my mother? What can he do to her, that he has not already done?Fitz.He is advertising for the present Mrs. Van Brugh’s marriage certificate, and the late Mrs. Van Brugh’s burial certificate, with a view to a prosecution for bigamy.Eve.Mamma, mamma, do you hear this? (Crosses to her.)Mrs. V. B.Yes, I hear it. I knew that he had conceived this monstrous idea, but I have already assured him there is no ground for his suspicion. I have told him (after a pause, and with much shame) the truth.Fitz.Yes, but he don’t believe you. Read that. (Hands newspaper toEve, who gives it toMrs. Van Brugh, pointing out advertisement.) Such is the snake-like and foxy character of that unparalleled old Pharisee, that he don’t believe you. Why, I am a professional skeptic at two guineas a day, and even I believe you.Mrs. V. B.(who has been reading the advertisement). This is most shameful. This is monstrous beyond expression. I have borne my terrible punishment to this point patiently, and without undue murmur, but I will bear no more. Let that man know this. He has roused me at last, and I will meet him face to face. Let him know that, helpless and friendless as he believes me to be; crushed as I am under the weight of the fearful revelation he has extorted from me; shunned as I am, and despised even by those whom all despise but I, I am yet strong in this, that I have nothing more tolose. He has made me desperate, and let him beware. There are men in these days as hot in the defense of an insulted woman as in the days gone by, and he shall have a legion of them about his ears. I have been punished enough. I will be punished no further.Eve.But who could have put this monstrous scheme into his head? What demon could have suggested it to him?Fitz.I suggested it to him, but I ain’t a demon.Eve and Mrs. V. B.You!Fitz.I—I drew up the advertisement, put it in, and paid for it. It’s a dodge, I’ve put him on a wrong scent.Mrs. V. B.How am I to understand this?Fitz.That’s just it; you arenotto understand—at present. You are to do me justice to believe that, when youdounderstand it, you will like it very much. I’ve put him on a wrong scent, and if I’m not very much mistaken, it will have the effect of taking him in his own toils. For the present it is enough to tell you that his advertisement has been answered, and that the person who answered it is to meet him here this afternoon.Mrs. V. B.Here? Why does he come tome?Fitz.Because he conceives, with some reason, that you are not likely to go to him. But don’t be alarmed,Ishall accompany him, as per usual.[ExitFitz Partington.Mrs. V. B.(covering her face). Oh, the shameof it! Oh, the shame of it! To know that my terrible story is the common gossip of every plow-boy in the village; to feel that there is not a flighty servant-girl who does not gather her skirts about her as she passes me; to be certain when women cross the road it is to escape the contamination of my presence; and when they meet me face to face, it is that they may toss their head and tell each other that they knew it from the first! Oh, the shame of it! Oh, the shame of it!Eve.But Mr. Smailey can do nothing. His wicked schemes must recoil upon himself. We will leave Locroft; we will leave this fearful place. Dr. Athelney sails in a fortnight, and he has made arrangements that we may accompany him. There, in a new world, with new friends and new duties, we shall forget all that is bitter in the past, and gather new stores of happiness from the future that is before us. (They embrace.)EnterDr. Athelney,L. D.Crosses toEve.Dr. A.Mrs. Van Brugh; Eve, my dear, prepare yourself for a surprise. This morning, Mrs. Van Brugh and I were discussing Frederick Smailey’s probable course of action. That very good or very bad young man is at this moment crossing the lawn with my son, Ted. He is coming with the view, no doubt, of setting all future discussion on that point at rest. Let us suspend judgment on that admirable or detestable lad until he has explained himself.Eve.I knew he would come; I was sure of it. Mamma, dear, I told you he loved me, I told you he would come.EnterFredandTed Athelney, arm-in-arm.Fred.Eve!Eve.(running to him). Fred, my dear Fred! (He embraces her.)Ted.Here he is, I was sure of him; Eve and I were both sure of him. We knew him, Eve, didn’t we?Fred.Edward came to me, Mrs. Van Brugh, and told me that—that you doubted me. (Much affected.)Ted.Yes, I told him that. Don’t be angry with me, but when Fred Smailey’s honor is at stake, Ted Athelney doesn’t beat about the bush. I went straight to him and told him at once how the land lay. “Fred,” said I, “Eve knows you, and I know you, but the others don’t. Come over with me and show them what you really are. Show them that you are the brave, straight-hearted, thorough-going fellow I know you to be.” He didn’t give me time to say it twice.Fred.Mrs. Van Brugh, will you take my hand? (Shakes her hand. Crosses toDr. A., then shakes his hand.) Dr. Athelney, my very dear friend, this is very, very kind of you. You are too noble-hearted a man to confound the son with the father.Dr. A.I hope and trust, sir, that I have done you an injustice. (Goes up.)Fred.Mrs. Van Brugh, I know not how to express my opinion of my father’s behavior in terms that would be consistent with my duty as a son. I am most painfully situated. Permit me to content myself with offering you my deepest and most respectful sympathy.Mrs. V. B.Mr. Smailey, you speak very kindly.Ted.And he means kindly, mind that. I’ll stake my life he means kindly.Fred.Thank you, Edward; thank you very heartily. My father, Mrs. Van Brugh, is, I have learnt, a very hard man; a good man, a truly good man, but a very hard one. He is unaccountably incensed against you; I have pleaded for you, but, alas, in vain. I have implored him to allow you, at least, to continue to occupy the cottage which is endeared to me by so many happy recollections, dear Eve, but in vain. (He takesEve’shand.) He—he answered me harshly for the first time in his life. (Much moved.)Ted.My very dear fellow, heaven bless you for that.Fred.Under these circumstances I said to myself, How can I lighten this intolerable burden to them? If not to Mrs. Van Brugh, at least to Eve. I lay awake all last night, thinking it over, and at last—at last I saw my way.Ted.(toDr. A.). Trust Fred Smailey to find the right thing to do.Fred.I said to myself, Here is an amiable andblameless young lady placed, through no fault of her own, in the painful position of being engaged to a member of a family which has done her and her mother a fearful and irreparable injury. Association with such a family must be, to her, a source of inconceivable distress. To a sensitive and high-minded girl, such as I know my darling to be, an alliance with such a family must be simply insupportable. Deeply as I love her, and because I love her deeply, I will fight with the great love that is within me; I will act as becomes a man of honor; I will at once, and of my own free will, release her from this engagement. Eve, my dear Eve, you are free. (Evefaints inMrs. Van Brugh’sarms.)Mrs. V. B.My darling! My poor, poor darling!Dr. A.(C.) Sir, I have been a clergyman of the Church of England for five-and-forty years, and, until to-day, I have never regretted the restrictions that my calling has imposed upon me. My hands, sir, are tied. Ted, my boy, these remarks do not apply to you.Ted.(crosses toFred Smailey). You infernal villain! You unutterably mean and sneaking villain! (Seizing him.)Mrs. V. B.Edward! Edward!Ted.Don’t stop me, or I shall kill him. Look there, you miserable hound (pointing toEve), look there! Do you see the work that your infernal heart has done? Why, you miserable cur, she loved you! You trembling hypocrite, she lovedyou! Eve loved you—lovedyou! Look at her, man, and if your devil’s heart don’t beat the harder for the sight, it hasn’t a beat left in it!Mrs. V. B.Dr. Athelney, pray, pray stop him.Dr. A.Stop him? No, certainly not. I’m too fond of plain truth, and I hear it too seldom to stop it when I do hear it. Go on with your remarks, my boy, if you’ve any thing else to say.EnterSmailey, followed byFitz Partington,l.Mr. S.When your son has quite finished shaking my son, perhaps you will kindly devote a little attention to me.Fred.Edward, I sincerely hope you may live to apologize for this. (Offers to shake hands;Tedrefuses.)Dr. A.Mr. Smailey, I must tell you that your presence here is an act of audacity for which I was not prepared.Mr. S.I fear that the surprise of my appearance here is but the first of a series of surprises in store for you.Fitz.And I am convinced of it.Dr. A.Leave my house, sir! (ToSmailey.)Mr. S.Nay, nay. I am here in the discharge of a high public duty, and I propose to remain. Come, Dr. Athelney, is this quite considerate? Is this quite as it should be? You are a minister of the Church, about to be invested with the very highest Colonial functions. In affording shelter to thisunhappy person, have you not allowed your sympathy for her misfortunes to blind you to the fact that you are a clergyman?Dr. A.Sir, I never had my duty as a clergyman so strongly before my eyes as when I placed my home at the disposal of this admirable lady. And, believe me, sir, I never felt so strongly disposed to forget my duty as a clergyman as I do at this moment. My hands are tied. Ted, my boy, these remarks do not apply to you.Ted.Mr. Smailey, if you’ll come with me, I’ll see you out.Fitz.(toTed). See him out? Nonsense. Hear him out. He’s worth listening to, I can tell you.Mr. S.Miss Brandreth (toMrs. Van Brugh), when you denied having ever gone through the form of marriage with Captain Van Brugh, I considered it my duty, as a magistrate accustomed to deal with evidence, to disbelieve you. At the suggestion of my solicitor (aside, toFitz) A lie, sir, for you are no solicitor; heaven forgive you! (Aloud.) At his suggestion I advertised for the burial certificate of the late Mrs. Van Brugh. That advertisement has been answered.Fitz.That advertisement has been answered.Mr. S.The person who answered it is at this moment waiting without.Fitz.Waiting without.Mr. S.And, with or without your permission, shall be introduced.Fitz.Shall be introduced.Mr. S.Mr. Fitz Partington shall introduce him.Fitz.It ain’t ahim, it’s aher. (Opens door, and discoversRuth.)Mrs. V. B.Ruth Tredgett!Ruth.Ay, missis, ’tain’t no other.Mr. S.What does this mean? Is this a hoax? (Indignantly, toFitz Partington.)Fitz.Is this a hoax? (Appealing to the others).Mr. S.What does this woman want here?Fitz.Woman, what do you want here?Ruth.Want to help you aginher. (IndicatingMrs. Van Brugh.)Mrs. V. B.Oh, Ruth, Ruth!Mr. S.Do you mean this, Tredgett? (Crosses toRuth.)Ruth.Ay, I mean it, Smailey. It’s justice; and justice must be done. It was done agin me, years ago, and why not agin her now?Mr. S.Dr. Athelney, this poor woman is an example to you. She has learned her mistress’s true character.Ruth.Ay, I have. I have learned my missis’s true character.Mrs. V. B.Ruth, how have I injured you, that even you turn against me? I loved you, Ruth!Ruth.(with some emotion). You ha’n’t injured me, but I’m a ’spectable woman. You’ve made me ’spectable, and you must bide the consequence. (ToMr. Smailey)—You want the burial-ticket of Captain Van Brugh’s dead wife?Mr. S.Yes; I have offered £50 for it.Ruth.Gi’ us the money.Mr. S.Why?Ruth.I’ve got the paper.Mr. S.How? How did you get it?Ruth.No odds how. I’ve got it.Mr. S.Give it to me, and you shall be paid.Ruth.Nay, I must ha’ the brass first.Mr. S.As soon as I’ve verified it you shall be paid.Ruth.Maybe you’ll take some time over it. I must ha’ the brass.Mr. S.(giving her a bank note). There is the money, but mind, if you are deceiving me, there is a constable outside.Ruth.No fear. (Tears up the note.)Mr. S.You fool, what have you done! Give me the paper.Ruth.I’ll give it to him. (IndicatingFitz Partington, who has come between them.)Fitz.(takes paper and reads). “St. Andrew’s Church, Port Philip, 17 July, 1858.”Mr. S.’58! Why, she died in ’69—I know she died in ’69. This is some forgery—we shall want the constable yet.Fitz.This is some forgery. We shall want the constable yet. (Reads.) “This is to certify that on the above date I read the burial service over the remains of Martha Vane, of Port Philip.” (Smaileysinks into a chair.)Dr. A.Martha Vane!Mrs. V. B.That was her maiden name, the name under which she passed when she left her husband.Mr. S.(much confused). This is not what I advertised for.Fitz.No, but it’s whatIadvertised for.Mr. S.You? What have you to do with this?Fitz.I was engaged to trace this forgery to you at the time when you engaged me to undermine the character of this inestimable lady. In strict compliance with the terms of our contract, you have allowed me the free run of all your books, papers, and memoranda, and I am much obliged to you.Fred.(who has heard this with the greatest concern). Father! Tell them that it’s a lie.Fitz.It ain’t a lie. The case is only too clear. Tredgett and he were both in it, but she turns Queen’s evidence. Mr. Smailey, I desire to press hardly on no fellow-creature, but your own policeman is without, and he will be happy to walk off with you whenever you find it convenient to be arrested. (About to touchSmaileyon shoulder.)Fred.Father, tell them that it’s a lie. (ToFitz.) Keep your hands off him,—stand back—it’s a lie, I tell you. Stand back, or I shall do you a mischief. Father, whatever others believe of you,Ibelieve you to be the best and truest man on earth. For my sake, for the sake of my belief, tell them that it’s a lie. For the love of God, tell them it’s a lie.Mr. S.I have nothing to say, my boy; I have lied enough.Fred.But they will take you away! Great heaven, think what will follow!Mr. S.I care not what may follow. Whatever punishment may be in store for me, will be as nothing compared to the bitter shame of my degradation in the eyes of my poor boy, whom I have loved. He will desert me now! And what matters the rest—what matters the rest?Fred.Father, I swear that where you are, there will I be to the end.Mr. S.Heaven bless you for that.Fred.Whatever you may have been—whatever I may have been—I am your son, and I love you; and I will be with you—to the end!Mr. S.And the end is at hand.Fitz.And the end is at hand.[ExeuntFrederick Smailey, followed byFitz Partington.Evestretches out her arms towardsFrederickas he goes, but he does not see her.Ruth.(who, during the preceding dialogue, has been kneeling atMrs. Van Brugh’sfeet.). Mistress, my good and kind mistress, I had that paper in safe keeping miles away, I walked day and night to fetch it. It was hard to leave you in your sorrow, but none other could have got it. My mistress, my pure and perfect mistress, my angel from heaven, we will never part again.Mrs. V. B.We will never part again, Ruth. Under the guidance of our loving friend, we will sail to the new land, where, humbly as becomes penitents, cheerfully as becomes those who have hope, earnestly as becomes those who speak out of the fullness of their experience, we will teach lessons of loving kindness, patience, faith, forbearance, hope, and charity.Dr. A.“And the greatest of these is CHARITY.”

Scene:Library atDr. Athelney’s.

Mrs. Van Brughdiscovered seated, reading letters.

Mrs. V. B.“The Rev. Mr. Twemlow presents his compliments to Mrs. Van Brugh, and begs to return her annual subscription of fifty guineas to the Fund for providing Shelter for the Homeless Poor. He does not feel justified, under the circumstances, in accepting any aid from Mrs. Van Brugh on their behalf. With respect to the living to which Mrs. Van Brugh has recently presented Mr. Twemlow, he desires that she may understand that, if he consents to retain it, it is because he feels that it affords him a more extended sphere of spiritual usefulness than the curacy he has hitherto held.” (Opens another letter.) “We, the aged occupants of the Locroft Almshouses, are humbly pained and respectfully shocked at the disclosures that have recently been made with reference to Miss Brandreth’s relations with the late Captain Van Brugh. We trust that it is unnecessary for us to add that, if it were not that the Almshouses pass at once from Miss Brandreth’s hands into those of an upright and stainless Christian, whom it is an honor respectfully to know and a satisfaction humbly to profit by, we would not have consented to occupy them for another day; we would rather have worked for our living. Signed.” (Opens another letter.)

“Honored Madam,“We shall feel greatly flattered and obliged if you will kindly afford us a sitting for your photograph at your earliest convenience.“We are, Honored Madam,“With much esteem,“Most respectfully yours,“Scumley & Ripp.”

“Honored Madam,

“We shall feel greatly flattered and obliged if you will kindly afford us a sitting for your photograph at your earliest convenience.

“We are, Honored Madam,“With much esteem,“Most respectfully yours,“Scumley & Ripp.”

When these people address me, I am degraded indeed! My name a word of reproach in every household in the country; my story a thing to be whispered and hinted at, but not to be openly discussed, by reason of its very shame. My years of atonement held to be mere evidences of skillfully sustained hypocrisy. Myself a confessed counterfeit, a base and worthless imposition, a living fraud on the immaculate beings with whom I dared to surround myself. And Ruth—Ruth, to whom my heart opened—even Ruth has left me. Poor blind, wayward woman, you are of the world, worldly; your idol is shattered, and there is the end. So let it be; it is meet that such as I should be alone!

EnterEve, who has overheard the last few lines. She approaches her mother quietly, and places her arms round her neck.

Eve.Mamma, you have many kind friends left to you; Dr. Athelney, who has given you a home; Edward and myself.

Mrs. V. B.A daughter’s love comes of honor. Can that love live without the honor that gives it sustenance?

Eve.Mamma, I am very young, and I know little of the world and its ways. Will you forgive me if I speak foolishly? Dear mamma, I think my love for you began with my life. It was born with me, and came of no other cause than that you are my mother. As I brought it with me into the world, so I believe I shall take it with me out of the world. Do you understand me? I mean, that if I had no other reason for loving than that you are my mother, I should still love you, for I am your child.

Mrs. V. B.A child to whom I have given a life that is worse than death; a life that brings with it a curse that will be flung in your teeth by all who know you, and first of all, and above all, by him who was to have married you.

Eve.No, no; your bitter sorrow has made you unjust. Remember, he loves me. I do not know why he loves me, but whatever he saw in me to love is there still.Iam not changed, and why shouldhechange? I trust his heart as I trust my own.

Mrs. V. B.Eve, I know the world too well. That man will visit my fault upon you. He will renounce you now, my poor child, and the world will say he is right.

Eve.I will believe this when I hear it from his own lips.

Mrs. V. B.You will hear it to-day. It is part of the punishment of women who sin as I have sinned, that those who are dearest to them shall suffer with them. See how I am punished. I have placed a mark of shame on you whom I love beyond all on earth. I have inflicted a lasting injury on you whom I would have died to serve. I have cursed you whom I would have blessed. I have degraded you whom I would have exalted. Eve, my darling—out of my sin has come your love for me. I have no claim to that love. I have cheated you into honoring me; for that honor comes of my sin. I do not ask for love—I do not ask for honor. Humbled, unworthy, and spirit-broken, I plead to you for pardon—only for pardon. (Kneels toEve.)

Eve.Pardon! My mother—my gentle-hearted mother. There is no thought in my mind but of the perfect woman of the past eighteen years. The luster of those years fills my world. I can see nothing else; I will see nothing else. As you have always been to me, so shall you always be—the type of gentle charity, tender helpfulness, brave, large-hearted womanly sympathy. When the bright light of those bygone years pales in my eyes, thenlet me suffer ten times the sorrow of to-day, for indeed I shall have deserved it. (She rises and they embrace.)

EnterFitz Partingtoncautiously,l.

Mrs. V. B.Mr. Fitz Partington?

Fitz.Yes, but don’t be alarmed. If it is open to a person in my debased position to be regarded as a friend, regard me as one.

Mrs. V. B.Mr. Fitz Partington, I did you an injustice when I saw you last—I doubted you. Will you forgive me? (Holding out her hand.)

Fitz.(much affected, takes it). Ma’am, this is the most unprofessional moment of my career. No one ever apologized to me before. It is very unmanning. It is like having a tooth out. I hope no one will ever apologize to me again.

Eve.Have you brought us any news, Mr. Fitz Partington? I am sure you are here for some kind purpose.

Fitz.It is my fate to appear continually before you in the character of the Mysterious Warner of penny romance. Mrs. Van Brugh, once more, beware of Smailey. That abject man is going at you again.

Mrs. V. B.Has he not done with me yet? Can I be poorer than I am—or more unhappy—or more despised?

Fitz.He proposes to make you so, but he will be sold.

Eve.But with what motive does he do this?

Fitz.Revenge. To adapt the words of the poet to Smailey’s frame of mind, “Revenge is sweet, especially on women.”

Mrs. V. B.Revenge onme! Through him, whom I have never injured, I have lost my home, my fortune, and my good name, andheseeks revenge onme?

Fitz.Mrs. Van Brugh, if it is a source of pain to you to know that your friends have cutyou, it may console you to know, that in their strict impartiality they have also cuthim. He is hooted in the streets. His windows are a public cockshy. Nobody is at home to him, and though he is at home to everybody, it is to no purpose. The very tradesmen refuse to supply him. He is a desolate, and a hungry being, and nobody calls on him except the taxes.

Eve.I fear, Mr. Fitz Partington, that you may yourself have suffered from your association with this man.

Fitz.(toEve). I? I believe you! Why I go about in fear of my life. Not only am I deprived of the necessaries of existence, but I have become the very focus of public execration. I couldn’t be more unpopular if I had come down to stand for the borough.

Eve.But, Mr. Fitz Partington, how in heaven’s name does he propose to injure my mother? What can he do to her, that he has not already done?

Fitz.He is advertising for the present Mrs. Van Brugh’s marriage certificate, and the late Mrs. Van Brugh’s burial certificate, with a view to a prosecution for bigamy.

Eve.Mamma, mamma, do you hear this? (Crosses to her.)

Mrs. V. B.Yes, I hear it. I knew that he had conceived this monstrous idea, but I have already assured him there is no ground for his suspicion. I have told him (after a pause, and with much shame) the truth.

Fitz.Yes, but he don’t believe you. Read that. (Hands newspaper toEve, who gives it toMrs. Van Brugh, pointing out advertisement.) Such is the snake-like and foxy character of that unparalleled old Pharisee, that he don’t believe you. Why, I am a professional skeptic at two guineas a day, and even I believe you.

Mrs. V. B.(who has been reading the advertisement). This is most shameful. This is monstrous beyond expression. I have borne my terrible punishment to this point patiently, and without undue murmur, but I will bear no more. Let that man know this. He has roused me at last, and I will meet him face to face. Let him know that, helpless and friendless as he believes me to be; crushed as I am under the weight of the fearful revelation he has extorted from me; shunned as I am, and despised even by those whom all despise but I, I am yet strong in this, that I have nothing more tolose. He has made me desperate, and let him beware. There are men in these days as hot in the defense of an insulted woman as in the days gone by, and he shall have a legion of them about his ears. I have been punished enough. I will be punished no further.

Eve.But who could have put this monstrous scheme into his head? What demon could have suggested it to him?

Fitz.I suggested it to him, but I ain’t a demon.

Eve and Mrs. V. B.You!

Fitz.I—I drew up the advertisement, put it in, and paid for it. It’s a dodge, I’ve put him on a wrong scent.

Mrs. V. B.How am I to understand this?

Fitz.That’s just it; you arenotto understand—at present. You are to do me justice to believe that, when youdounderstand it, you will like it very much. I’ve put him on a wrong scent, and if I’m not very much mistaken, it will have the effect of taking him in his own toils. For the present it is enough to tell you that his advertisement has been answered, and that the person who answered it is to meet him here this afternoon.

Mrs. V. B.Here? Why does he come tome?

Fitz.Because he conceives, with some reason, that you are not likely to go to him. But don’t be alarmed,Ishall accompany him, as per usual.[ExitFitz Partington.

Mrs. V. B.(covering her face). Oh, the shameof it! Oh, the shame of it! To know that my terrible story is the common gossip of every plow-boy in the village; to feel that there is not a flighty servant-girl who does not gather her skirts about her as she passes me; to be certain when women cross the road it is to escape the contamination of my presence; and when they meet me face to face, it is that they may toss their head and tell each other that they knew it from the first! Oh, the shame of it! Oh, the shame of it!

Eve.But Mr. Smailey can do nothing. His wicked schemes must recoil upon himself. We will leave Locroft; we will leave this fearful place. Dr. Athelney sails in a fortnight, and he has made arrangements that we may accompany him. There, in a new world, with new friends and new duties, we shall forget all that is bitter in the past, and gather new stores of happiness from the future that is before us. (They embrace.)

EnterDr. Athelney,L. D.Crosses toEve.

Dr. A.Mrs. Van Brugh; Eve, my dear, prepare yourself for a surprise. This morning, Mrs. Van Brugh and I were discussing Frederick Smailey’s probable course of action. That very good or very bad young man is at this moment crossing the lawn with my son, Ted. He is coming with the view, no doubt, of setting all future discussion on that point at rest. Let us suspend judgment on that admirable or detestable lad until he has explained himself.

Eve.I knew he would come; I was sure of it. Mamma, dear, I told you he loved me, I told you he would come.

EnterFredandTed Athelney, arm-in-arm.

Fred.Eve!

Eve.(running to him). Fred, my dear Fred! (He embraces her.)

Ted.Here he is, I was sure of him; Eve and I were both sure of him. We knew him, Eve, didn’t we?

Fred.Edward came to me, Mrs. Van Brugh, and told me that—that you doubted me. (Much affected.)

Ted.Yes, I told him that. Don’t be angry with me, but when Fred Smailey’s honor is at stake, Ted Athelney doesn’t beat about the bush. I went straight to him and told him at once how the land lay. “Fred,” said I, “Eve knows you, and I know you, but the others don’t. Come over with me and show them what you really are. Show them that you are the brave, straight-hearted, thorough-going fellow I know you to be.” He didn’t give me time to say it twice.

Fred.Mrs. Van Brugh, will you take my hand? (Shakes her hand. Crosses toDr. A., then shakes his hand.) Dr. Athelney, my very dear friend, this is very, very kind of you. You are too noble-hearted a man to confound the son with the father.

Dr. A.I hope and trust, sir, that I have done you an injustice. (Goes up.)

Fred.Mrs. Van Brugh, I know not how to express my opinion of my father’s behavior in terms that would be consistent with my duty as a son. I am most painfully situated. Permit me to content myself with offering you my deepest and most respectful sympathy.

Mrs. V. B.Mr. Smailey, you speak very kindly.

Ted.And he means kindly, mind that. I’ll stake my life he means kindly.

Fred.Thank you, Edward; thank you very heartily. My father, Mrs. Van Brugh, is, I have learnt, a very hard man; a good man, a truly good man, but a very hard one. He is unaccountably incensed against you; I have pleaded for you, but, alas, in vain. I have implored him to allow you, at least, to continue to occupy the cottage which is endeared to me by so many happy recollections, dear Eve, but in vain. (He takesEve’shand.) He—he answered me harshly for the first time in his life. (Much moved.)

Ted.My very dear fellow, heaven bless you for that.

Fred.Under these circumstances I said to myself, How can I lighten this intolerable burden to them? If not to Mrs. Van Brugh, at least to Eve. I lay awake all last night, thinking it over, and at last—at last I saw my way.

Ted.(toDr. A.). Trust Fred Smailey to find the right thing to do.

Fred.I said to myself, Here is an amiable andblameless young lady placed, through no fault of her own, in the painful position of being engaged to a member of a family which has done her and her mother a fearful and irreparable injury. Association with such a family must be, to her, a source of inconceivable distress. To a sensitive and high-minded girl, such as I know my darling to be, an alliance with such a family must be simply insupportable. Deeply as I love her, and because I love her deeply, I will fight with the great love that is within me; I will act as becomes a man of honor; I will at once, and of my own free will, release her from this engagement. Eve, my dear Eve, you are free. (Evefaints inMrs. Van Brugh’sarms.)

Mrs. V. B.My darling! My poor, poor darling!

Dr. A.(C.) Sir, I have been a clergyman of the Church of England for five-and-forty years, and, until to-day, I have never regretted the restrictions that my calling has imposed upon me. My hands, sir, are tied. Ted, my boy, these remarks do not apply to you.

Ted.(crosses toFred Smailey). You infernal villain! You unutterably mean and sneaking villain! (Seizing him.)

Mrs. V. B.Edward! Edward!

Ted.Don’t stop me, or I shall kill him. Look there, you miserable hound (pointing toEve), look there! Do you see the work that your infernal heart has done? Why, you miserable cur, she loved you! You trembling hypocrite, she lovedyou! Eve loved you—lovedyou! Look at her, man, and if your devil’s heart don’t beat the harder for the sight, it hasn’t a beat left in it!

Mrs. V. B.Dr. Athelney, pray, pray stop him.

Dr. A.Stop him? No, certainly not. I’m too fond of plain truth, and I hear it too seldom to stop it when I do hear it. Go on with your remarks, my boy, if you’ve any thing else to say.

EnterSmailey, followed byFitz Partington,l.

Mr. S.When your son has quite finished shaking my son, perhaps you will kindly devote a little attention to me.

Fred.Edward, I sincerely hope you may live to apologize for this. (Offers to shake hands;Tedrefuses.)

Dr. A.Mr. Smailey, I must tell you that your presence here is an act of audacity for which I was not prepared.

Mr. S.I fear that the surprise of my appearance here is but the first of a series of surprises in store for you.

Fitz.And I am convinced of it.

Dr. A.Leave my house, sir! (ToSmailey.)

Mr. S.Nay, nay. I am here in the discharge of a high public duty, and I propose to remain. Come, Dr. Athelney, is this quite considerate? Is this quite as it should be? You are a minister of the Church, about to be invested with the very highest Colonial functions. In affording shelter to thisunhappy person, have you not allowed your sympathy for her misfortunes to blind you to the fact that you are a clergyman?

Dr. A.Sir, I never had my duty as a clergyman so strongly before my eyes as when I placed my home at the disposal of this admirable lady. And, believe me, sir, I never felt so strongly disposed to forget my duty as a clergyman as I do at this moment. My hands are tied. Ted, my boy, these remarks do not apply to you.

Ted.Mr. Smailey, if you’ll come with me, I’ll see you out.

Fitz.(toTed). See him out? Nonsense. Hear him out. He’s worth listening to, I can tell you.

Mr. S.Miss Brandreth (toMrs. Van Brugh), when you denied having ever gone through the form of marriage with Captain Van Brugh, I considered it my duty, as a magistrate accustomed to deal with evidence, to disbelieve you. At the suggestion of my solicitor (aside, toFitz) A lie, sir, for you are no solicitor; heaven forgive you! (Aloud.) At his suggestion I advertised for the burial certificate of the late Mrs. Van Brugh. That advertisement has been answered.

Fitz.That advertisement has been answered.

Mr. S.The person who answered it is at this moment waiting without.

Fitz.Waiting without.

Mr. S.And, with or without your permission, shall be introduced.

Fitz.Shall be introduced.

Mr. S.Mr. Fitz Partington shall introduce him.

Fitz.It ain’t ahim, it’s aher. (Opens door, and discoversRuth.)

Mrs. V. B.Ruth Tredgett!

Ruth.Ay, missis, ’tain’t no other.

Mr. S.What does this mean? Is this a hoax? (Indignantly, toFitz Partington.)

Fitz.Is this a hoax? (Appealing to the others).

Mr. S.What does this woman want here?

Fitz.Woman, what do you want here?

Ruth.Want to help you aginher. (IndicatingMrs. Van Brugh.)

Mrs. V. B.Oh, Ruth, Ruth!

Mr. S.Do you mean this, Tredgett? (Crosses toRuth.)

Ruth.Ay, I mean it, Smailey. It’s justice; and justice must be done. It was done agin me, years ago, and why not agin her now?

Mr. S.Dr. Athelney, this poor woman is an example to you. She has learned her mistress’s true character.

Ruth.Ay, I have. I have learned my missis’s true character.

Mrs. V. B.Ruth, how have I injured you, that even you turn against me? I loved you, Ruth!

Ruth.(with some emotion). You ha’n’t injured me, but I’m a ’spectable woman. You’ve made me ’spectable, and you must bide the consequence. (ToMr. Smailey)—You want the burial-ticket of Captain Van Brugh’s dead wife?

Mr. S.Yes; I have offered £50 for it.

Ruth.Gi’ us the money.

Mr. S.Why?

Ruth.I’ve got the paper.

Mr. S.How? How did you get it?

Ruth.No odds how. I’ve got it.

Mr. S.Give it to me, and you shall be paid.

Ruth.Nay, I must ha’ the brass first.

Mr. S.As soon as I’ve verified it you shall be paid.

Ruth.Maybe you’ll take some time over it. I must ha’ the brass.

Mr. S.(giving her a bank note). There is the money, but mind, if you are deceiving me, there is a constable outside.

Ruth.No fear. (Tears up the note.)

Mr. S.You fool, what have you done! Give me the paper.

Ruth.I’ll give it to him. (IndicatingFitz Partington, who has come between them.)

Fitz.(takes paper and reads). “St. Andrew’s Church, Port Philip, 17 July, 1858.”

Mr. S.’58! Why, she died in ’69—I know she died in ’69. This is some forgery—we shall want the constable yet.

Fitz.This is some forgery. We shall want the constable yet. (Reads.) “This is to certify that on the above date I read the burial service over the remains of Martha Vane, of Port Philip.” (Smaileysinks into a chair.)

Dr. A.Martha Vane!

Mrs. V. B.That was her maiden name, the name under which she passed when she left her husband.

Mr. S.(much confused). This is not what I advertised for.

Fitz.No, but it’s whatIadvertised for.

Mr. S.You? What have you to do with this?

Fitz.I was engaged to trace this forgery to you at the time when you engaged me to undermine the character of this inestimable lady. In strict compliance with the terms of our contract, you have allowed me the free run of all your books, papers, and memoranda, and I am much obliged to you.

Fred.(who has heard this with the greatest concern). Father! Tell them that it’s a lie.

Fitz.It ain’t a lie. The case is only too clear. Tredgett and he were both in it, but she turns Queen’s evidence. Mr. Smailey, I desire to press hardly on no fellow-creature, but your own policeman is without, and he will be happy to walk off with you whenever you find it convenient to be arrested. (About to touchSmaileyon shoulder.)

Fred.Father, tell them that it’s a lie. (ToFitz.) Keep your hands off him,—stand back—it’s a lie, I tell you. Stand back, or I shall do you a mischief. Father, whatever others believe of you,Ibelieve you to be the best and truest man on earth. For my sake, for the sake of my belief, tell them that it’s a lie. For the love of God, tell them it’s a lie.

Mr. S.I have nothing to say, my boy; I have lied enough.

Fred.But they will take you away! Great heaven, think what will follow!

Mr. S.I care not what may follow. Whatever punishment may be in store for me, will be as nothing compared to the bitter shame of my degradation in the eyes of my poor boy, whom I have loved. He will desert me now! And what matters the rest—what matters the rest?

Fred.Father, I swear that where you are, there will I be to the end.

Mr. S.Heaven bless you for that.

Fred.Whatever you may have been—whatever I may have been—I am your son, and I love you; and I will be with you—to the end!

Mr. S.And the end is at hand.

Fitz.And the end is at hand.

[ExeuntFrederick Smailey, followed byFitz Partington.Evestretches out her arms towardsFrederickas he goes, but he does not see her.

Ruth.(who, during the preceding dialogue, has been kneeling atMrs. Van Brugh’sfeet.). Mistress, my good and kind mistress, I had that paper in safe keeping miles away, I walked day and night to fetch it. It was hard to leave you in your sorrow, but none other could have got it. My mistress, my pure and perfect mistress, my angel from heaven, we will never part again.

Mrs. V. B.We will never part again, Ruth. Under the guidance of our loving friend, we will sail to the new land, where, humbly as becomes penitents, cheerfully as becomes those who have hope, earnestly as becomes those who speak out of the fullness of their experience, we will teach lessons of loving kindness, patience, faith, forbearance, hope, and charity.

Dr. A.“And the greatest of these is CHARITY.”

THE PRINCESS:A Whimsical Allegory.(Being a Respectful Perversion of Mr. Tennyson’s Poem.)DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.King HildebrandMr. David Fisher.Prince Hilarion,his SonMiss Maria Simpson.(Mrs. W. H. Liston.)Cyril}his friends, Noblemen of King Hildebrand’s Court{Miss Augusta Thomson.Florian}{Miss Montgomery.King GamaMr. Elliott.Prince Arac}his Sons{Miss Jessie Earle.Prince Guron}{Miss Harrington.Prince Scynthius}{Miss Ewell.Atho,King Hildebrand’s ChamberlainMr. Franks.First OfficerMr. Arthur Brown.Second OfficerMr. Davis.Gobbo,a PorterMr. St. Maur.Princess Ida{Daughter of King Gama, and Principal of the Ladies’ University.}Miss Mattie Reinhardt.Lady Psyche{Professor of Experimental Science}Miss Fanny Addison.Lady Blanche{Professor of Abstract Philosophy}Mrs. Poynter.Melissa,her DaughterMiss Patti Josephs.Bertha}Undergraduates.{Miss Joy.Ada}{Miss Clyfoard.Chloe}{Miss Moore.Sacharissa}{Miss Alma.Sylvia}{Miss Everard.Phœbe}{Miss Fitzjames.PhyllisMiss Corinne.AmarantheMiss Graham.LauraMiss Clara.Undergraduates, Soldiers, Courtiers, Pages, &c.

A Whimsical Allegory.

(Being a Respectful Perversion of Mr. Tennyson’s Poem.)

Undergraduates, Soldiers, Courtiers, Pages, &c.

THE PRINCESS.Scene First.—Court in King Hildebrand’s Palace.King Hildebrand, discovered seated, in gloomy mood—Florianand otherCourtiersdiscovered looking off through telescopes—Cyrilstanding by theKing.Hilde.See you no sign of Gama?Flori.None, my liege.Hilde.It’s very odd indeed! If Gama failsTo put in an appearance at our court,Before the sun has set in yonder west,And fails to bring the Princess Ida here—To whom our son Hilarion was betrothedAt the extremely early age of one—There’s war between King Gama and ourself.(Aside toCyril) Oh Cyril, how I dread this interview!It’s twenty years since he and I have met.He was a twisted monster—all awry,As though Dame Nature, angry with her work,Had crumbled it in fitful petulance!Cyril.But, sir, a twisted and ungainly trunk,Often bears goodly fruit—perhaps he wasA kind, well-spoken gentleman?Hilde.Oh, no—For, adder-like, his sting lay in his tongue!His bitter insolence still rankles here,Although a score of years have come and gone!His outer man, gnarled, knotted as it was,Seemed to his cruel and cynical within,Hyperion to a Saturday Review!Cyril.Oh, bear with him—he is an old, old man.Old men are fretful—peevish, as we know.A worm will sometimes turn—so will the milkOf human kindness, if it’s kept too long.Flori.(looking through glass). But stay, my liege; o’er yonder mountain’s browComes a small body bearing Gama’s arms;And, now I look more closely at it, sir,I see attached to it King Gama’s legs;From which I gather this corollary—That that small body must be Gama’s own!Hilde.Ha! Is the Princess with him?Flori.Well, my liege,Unless her ladyship is six feet high,And wears moustachios, too, and smokes cigars,And ridesen cavalier, in coat of mail,I do not think she is.Hilde.(excited).Come, bustle there!For Gama, place the richest robes we have!For Gama, place the coarsest prison dress!For Gama, let our best spare bed be aired!For Gama, let our deepest dungeon yawn!For Gama, lay the costliest banquet out!For Gama, place cold water and dry bread!For as King Gama brings the Princess here,Or brings her not, so shall King Gama have—Much more than every thing—much less thannothing!EnterPrince Hilarion.Hilar.Well father, is there news for me, at last?Hilde.My son, King Gama’s host is now in sight:Prepare to meet the fascinating brideTo whom you were betrothed so long ago.Why, how you sigh!Hilar.My liege, I’m much afraidThe Princess Ida has not come with him.Hilde.And why?Hilar.I’ve heard she has forsworn the world,And, with a band of women, shut herselfWithin a lonely country house, and thereDevotes herself to stern philosophies.Hilde.Then, I should say, the loss of such a wifeIs one to which a reasonable manWould easily be reconciled.Hilar.Oh no—Or I am not a reasonable man.She is my wife: has been for twenty years.Hilde.That’s true—you were a baby in long clothesWhen you gained Ida’s heart and she gained yours.Hilar.Yes—I remember—each of us was won!I think I see her now! (looking through telescope).Hilde.Ha! let me look!Hilar.In my mind’s eye, I mean—a blushing bride—All bib and tucker—frill and furbelow!How exquisite she looked as she was borneRecumbent in the monthly nurse’s arms!How the bride wept!—nor would be comfortedUntil the hireling mother-for-the-nonceAdministered refreshment in the vestry.And I remember feeling much annoyedThat she should weep at marrying with me;“But then,” I thought, “these brides are all alike!Cry on, young lady—brides are bound to cry.You cry at marrying me? How much more causeYou’d have to cry if it were broken off!”These were my thoughts—I kept them to myself,For, at that age, I had not learnt to speak.Hilde.Your memory is singularly good.Hilar.Do you remember, too, the wedding feast—Rolls steeped in milk, and other softened food,Fit for our undeveloped little gums?And talk of drink, I never shall forget,How merrily we passed that nursing bottle!A curly headed patriarch of three—The Princess Ida’s uncle—then proposedThe happy couple’s health—the bridesmaids, then,Fifteen in number—each six weeks of age,Began to weep—the fifteen groomsmen, too(The eldest of them eighteen months or so),Wept also—then, remembering they were men,Dashed from their eyes the unaccustomed brine!We parted then—and since, for twenty years,We have not met. It seems quite strange that sheShould have become a woman in the while!She speaks a hundred languages I’m told.Hilde.Your late mamma had mastered only one,Yet she was never at a loss for words!Hilar.But think how useful is a wife who canExpress her fancies in a hundred tongues.Hilde.You will find one, of average length, enough.Hilar.I’ve heard she hopes to make all women swearThat they’ll abjure, for aye, the tyrant Man!She’s far before the age in which she lives!Hilde.At all events she’s singular in that;Most grown up ladies of our court give outThat they are several years behind their age!Hilar.A woman thus endowed should have been bornA century hence, at least!Hilde.The day will comeWhen you will most devoutly wish she had.EnterCyril.Cyril.My liege, King Gama’s train is at the gate,And prays admission.Hilde.Cyril, show him in.Though Princess Ida wore a Gorgon’s head,He shall not tamper with King Hildebrand!Flourish—Procession. EnterCyril,FlorianandCourt, usheringKing Gama, and oneAttendant.Gama.So this is Castle Hildebrand?—well, well—Dame Rumor whispered that the place was grand;She told me that your taste was exquisite—Superb—unparalleled—Hilde.Oh, really, king—Gama.But she’s a liar! Why, how old you’ve grown!Is this Hilarion?—why you’ve changed, too!You were a singularly handsome child!(toCyril) Are you a courtier? Come, then, ply your trade!Tell me some lies: how do you like your king?Vile Rumor says he’s all but imbecile—Now that’s not true!Cyril.My lord, we love our king:His wise remarks are valued by his courtAs precious stones.Gama.And for the self-same cause!Like precious stones the wit of HildebrandDerives its value from its scarcity!Come now, be honest, tell the truth for once,Tell it of me! Come, come, I’ll harm you not!This leg is crooked—this foot is ill-designed—This shoulder wears a hump—come, out with it!Look, here’s my face—now am I not the worstOf Nature’s blunders?Hilar.Nature never errs.To those who know the workings of your mind,Your face and figure, sir, suggest a bookAppropriately bound.Gama.Why, harkye, sir!How dare you bandy words with me?Hilar.No needTo bandy aught that appertains to you.Gama.(toHildebrand). Do you permit this, king?Hilde.We are in doubtWhether to treat you as an honored guest,Or as a traitor knave who plights his wordAnd breaks it!Gama.If the casting vote’s with meI give it for the former.Hilde.We shall see:By the terms of our contract, signed and sealedYou’re bound to-day to bring the Princess hereTo join her spouse. Why is she not with you?Gama.Why? Come, I’ll tell you, if you’ll answer this:What think you of a wealthy purse-proud manWho, when he calls upon a starving friend,Pulls out his gold, and flourishes his notes,And flashes diamonds in the pauper’s eyes—What name have you for such an one?Hilde.A snob!Gama.Just so: King Hildebrand, I am no snobThe girl has beauty, virtue, learning, wit,Grace, humor, wisdom, charity, and pluck.Would it be kindly, think you, to paradeThese brilliant qualities beforeyoureyes?Oh no, King Hildebrand, I am no snob!Hilde.But hang it, man, the contract that we signedSome twenty years ago—Gama.Why, here’s good news!(to Court) At last your king is going to redeemHis lengthy list of broken promises—And very properly, as wise men should,Begin at the beginning!Hilde.Stop that tongue,Or you shall lose the monkey head that holds it!Oh, I’ll be even with you, yet, for this.Gama.Bravo! Your king deprives me of my head,That he and I may meet on equal terms!Hilde.Of this anon—we’ll try the force of arms—Where is she now?Gama.In Castle Adamant—One of my many country houses. ThereShe rules a woman’s University,With full five hundred girls who learn of her.Cyril.Five hundred girls! Five hundred ecstasies!Gama.But no mere girls, my good young gentleman!With all the college learning that you boast,The youngest there will prove a match for you!Cyril.With all my heart, if she’s the prettiest!Fancy—five hundred matches—all alight!That’s if I strike them, as I hope to do.Gama.Despair your hope—their hearts are dead to man.He who desires to gain their favor mustBe qualified to strike their teeming brains,And not their hearts! They’re safety-matches, sir,And they light only on the knowledge box,Soyou’veno chance!Hilar.We’ll try, at all events.I’ll take no soldiers, father, in my train—Cyril and Florian here will go with me,And we will storm them ere the week is out.Gama.That’s brave! They’re only women—storm away!Hilar.Oh, don’t mistake us, sir, we mean to stormTheir eyes and hearts, and not their citadel.With sighs we’ll charge our mines and counter-mines,Dance steps shall be our scaling ladders, withThose croquêt mallets for our battering rams.Fair flowers shall bear the only blades we wield,Our eyes shall be our very deadliest darts,And bon-bon crackers our artillery!Gama.And so you think to conquer them with sighs?My good young gentleman, a sigh, to them,Is simply an exceptionally markedContraction of the intercostal muscles!Croquêt is interesting only whenIt illustrates familiar theoriesOf incidental and reflecting angles.Fair flowers, to them, are mere embodimentsOf calyx, pistil, stamina, and petal.Expressive eyes would have their charm, no doubt—Hilar.Of course!Gama.But only, be it understood,As illustrating theories of vision!But here are letters—take them if you like—Perhaps she’s tired of disobedience,And may admit you.Hilde.Good: Hilarion, go,Take Florian and Cyril, as you say,King Gama, we detain you pris’ner here,As hostage for the safety of our son.Gama.A prisoner? Why, what should I do hereAt Castle Hildebrand? I am not mad!Hilde.You can amuse yourself by fancyingThat there’s an execution in our house,And you’re the party in possession—orThat we are dead and you’ve succeeded us.In short, suppose whatever state of thingsWould offer you the greatest happiness;Gama.(toHilarion). You run a risk, my friend; so take good heed,For no one knows her temper but myself:(toKing) Since her betrothal, king, until the dayWhen she abjured all male society,I was the only man she ever saw!Hilar.Oh, that explains the mystery at once,And simplifies our task—come, Florian,And we will show these maidens what they’ve lost.[ExeuntHilarion,Florian, andCyril.

THE PRINCESS.

Scene First.—Court in King Hildebrand’s Palace.King Hildebrand, discovered seated, in gloomy mood—Florianand otherCourtiersdiscovered looking off through telescopes—Cyrilstanding by theKing.Hilde.See you no sign of Gama?Flori.None, my liege.Hilde.It’s very odd indeed! If Gama failsTo put in an appearance at our court,Before the sun has set in yonder west,And fails to bring the Princess Ida here—To whom our son Hilarion was betrothedAt the extremely early age of one—There’s war between King Gama and ourself.(Aside toCyril) Oh Cyril, how I dread this interview!It’s twenty years since he and I have met.He was a twisted monster—all awry,As though Dame Nature, angry with her work,Had crumbled it in fitful petulance!Cyril.But, sir, a twisted and ungainly trunk,Often bears goodly fruit—perhaps he wasA kind, well-spoken gentleman?Hilde.Oh, no—For, adder-like, his sting lay in his tongue!His bitter insolence still rankles here,Although a score of years have come and gone!His outer man, gnarled, knotted as it was,Seemed to his cruel and cynical within,Hyperion to a Saturday Review!Cyril.Oh, bear with him—he is an old, old man.Old men are fretful—peevish, as we know.A worm will sometimes turn—so will the milkOf human kindness, if it’s kept too long.Flori.(looking through glass). But stay, my liege; o’er yonder mountain’s browComes a small body bearing Gama’s arms;And, now I look more closely at it, sir,I see attached to it King Gama’s legs;From which I gather this corollary—That that small body must be Gama’s own!Hilde.Ha! Is the Princess with him?Flori.Well, my liege,Unless her ladyship is six feet high,And wears moustachios, too, and smokes cigars,And ridesen cavalier, in coat of mail,I do not think she is.Hilde.(excited).Come, bustle there!For Gama, place the richest robes we have!For Gama, place the coarsest prison dress!For Gama, let our best spare bed be aired!For Gama, let our deepest dungeon yawn!For Gama, lay the costliest banquet out!For Gama, place cold water and dry bread!For as King Gama brings the Princess here,Or brings her not, so shall King Gama have—Much more than every thing—much less thannothing!EnterPrince Hilarion.Hilar.Well father, is there news for me, at last?Hilde.My son, King Gama’s host is now in sight:Prepare to meet the fascinating brideTo whom you were betrothed so long ago.Why, how you sigh!Hilar.My liege, I’m much afraidThe Princess Ida has not come with him.Hilde.And why?Hilar.I’ve heard she has forsworn the world,And, with a band of women, shut herselfWithin a lonely country house, and thereDevotes herself to stern philosophies.Hilde.Then, I should say, the loss of such a wifeIs one to which a reasonable manWould easily be reconciled.Hilar.Oh no—Or I am not a reasonable man.She is my wife: has been for twenty years.Hilde.That’s true—you were a baby in long clothesWhen you gained Ida’s heart and she gained yours.Hilar.Yes—I remember—each of us was won!I think I see her now! (looking through telescope).Hilde.Ha! let me look!Hilar.In my mind’s eye, I mean—a blushing bride—All bib and tucker—frill and furbelow!How exquisite she looked as she was borneRecumbent in the monthly nurse’s arms!How the bride wept!—nor would be comfortedUntil the hireling mother-for-the-nonceAdministered refreshment in the vestry.And I remember feeling much annoyedThat she should weep at marrying with me;“But then,” I thought, “these brides are all alike!Cry on, young lady—brides are bound to cry.You cry at marrying me? How much more causeYou’d have to cry if it were broken off!”These were my thoughts—I kept them to myself,For, at that age, I had not learnt to speak.Hilde.Your memory is singularly good.Hilar.Do you remember, too, the wedding feast—Rolls steeped in milk, and other softened food,Fit for our undeveloped little gums?And talk of drink, I never shall forget,How merrily we passed that nursing bottle!A curly headed patriarch of three—The Princess Ida’s uncle—then proposedThe happy couple’s health—the bridesmaids, then,Fifteen in number—each six weeks of age,Began to weep—the fifteen groomsmen, too(The eldest of them eighteen months or so),Wept also—then, remembering they were men,Dashed from their eyes the unaccustomed brine!We parted then—and since, for twenty years,We have not met. It seems quite strange that sheShould have become a woman in the while!She speaks a hundred languages I’m told.Hilde.Your late mamma had mastered only one,Yet she was never at a loss for words!Hilar.But think how useful is a wife who canExpress her fancies in a hundred tongues.Hilde.You will find one, of average length, enough.Hilar.I’ve heard she hopes to make all women swearThat they’ll abjure, for aye, the tyrant Man!She’s far before the age in which she lives!Hilde.At all events she’s singular in that;Most grown up ladies of our court give outThat they are several years behind their age!Hilar.A woman thus endowed should have been bornA century hence, at least!Hilde.The day will comeWhen you will most devoutly wish she had.EnterCyril.Cyril.My liege, King Gama’s train is at the gate,And prays admission.Hilde.Cyril, show him in.Though Princess Ida wore a Gorgon’s head,He shall not tamper with King Hildebrand!Flourish—Procession. EnterCyril,FlorianandCourt, usheringKing Gama, and oneAttendant.Gama.So this is Castle Hildebrand?—well, well—Dame Rumor whispered that the place was grand;She told me that your taste was exquisite—Superb—unparalleled—Hilde.Oh, really, king—Gama.But she’s a liar! Why, how old you’ve grown!Is this Hilarion?—why you’ve changed, too!You were a singularly handsome child!(toCyril) Are you a courtier? Come, then, ply your trade!Tell me some lies: how do you like your king?Vile Rumor says he’s all but imbecile—Now that’s not true!Cyril.My lord, we love our king:His wise remarks are valued by his courtAs precious stones.Gama.And for the self-same cause!Like precious stones the wit of HildebrandDerives its value from its scarcity!Come now, be honest, tell the truth for once,Tell it of me! Come, come, I’ll harm you not!This leg is crooked—this foot is ill-designed—This shoulder wears a hump—come, out with it!Look, here’s my face—now am I not the worstOf Nature’s blunders?Hilar.Nature never errs.To those who know the workings of your mind,Your face and figure, sir, suggest a bookAppropriately bound.Gama.Why, harkye, sir!How dare you bandy words with me?Hilar.No needTo bandy aught that appertains to you.Gama.(toHildebrand). Do you permit this, king?Hilde.We are in doubtWhether to treat you as an honored guest,Or as a traitor knave who plights his wordAnd breaks it!Gama.If the casting vote’s with meI give it for the former.Hilde.We shall see:By the terms of our contract, signed and sealedYou’re bound to-day to bring the Princess hereTo join her spouse. Why is she not with you?Gama.Why? Come, I’ll tell you, if you’ll answer this:What think you of a wealthy purse-proud manWho, when he calls upon a starving friend,Pulls out his gold, and flourishes his notes,And flashes diamonds in the pauper’s eyes—What name have you for such an one?Hilde.A snob!Gama.Just so: King Hildebrand, I am no snobThe girl has beauty, virtue, learning, wit,Grace, humor, wisdom, charity, and pluck.Would it be kindly, think you, to paradeThese brilliant qualities beforeyoureyes?Oh no, King Hildebrand, I am no snob!Hilde.But hang it, man, the contract that we signedSome twenty years ago—Gama.Why, here’s good news!(to Court) At last your king is going to redeemHis lengthy list of broken promises—And very properly, as wise men should,Begin at the beginning!Hilde.Stop that tongue,Or you shall lose the monkey head that holds it!Oh, I’ll be even with you, yet, for this.Gama.Bravo! Your king deprives me of my head,That he and I may meet on equal terms!Hilde.Of this anon—we’ll try the force of arms—Where is she now?Gama.In Castle Adamant—One of my many country houses. ThereShe rules a woman’s University,With full five hundred girls who learn of her.Cyril.Five hundred girls! Five hundred ecstasies!Gama.But no mere girls, my good young gentleman!With all the college learning that you boast,The youngest there will prove a match for you!Cyril.With all my heart, if she’s the prettiest!Fancy—five hundred matches—all alight!That’s if I strike them, as I hope to do.Gama.Despair your hope—their hearts are dead to man.He who desires to gain their favor mustBe qualified to strike their teeming brains,And not their hearts! They’re safety-matches, sir,And they light only on the knowledge box,Soyou’veno chance!Hilar.We’ll try, at all events.I’ll take no soldiers, father, in my train—Cyril and Florian here will go with me,And we will storm them ere the week is out.Gama.That’s brave! They’re only women—storm away!Hilar.Oh, don’t mistake us, sir, we mean to stormTheir eyes and hearts, and not their citadel.With sighs we’ll charge our mines and counter-mines,Dance steps shall be our scaling ladders, withThose croquêt mallets for our battering rams.Fair flowers shall bear the only blades we wield,Our eyes shall be our very deadliest darts,And bon-bon crackers our artillery!Gama.And so you think to conquer them with sighs?My good young gentleman, a sigh, to them,Is simply an exceptionally markedContraction of the intercostal muscles!Croquêt is interesting only whenIt illustrates familiar theoriesOf incidental and reflecting angles.Fair flowers, to them, are mere embodimentsOf calyx, pistil, stamina, and petal.Expressive eyes would have their charm, no doubt—Hilar.Of course!Gama.But only, be it understood,As illustrating theories of vision!But here are letters—take them if you like—Perhaps she’s tired of disobedience,And may admit you.Hilde.Good: Hilarion, go,Take Florian and Cyril, as you say,King Gama, we detain you pris’ner here,As hostage for the safety of our son.Gama.A prisoner? Why, what should I do hereAt Castle Hildebrand? I am not mad!Hilde.You can amuse yourself by fancyingThat there’s an execution in our house,And you’re the party in possession—orThat we are dead and you’ve succeeded us.In short, suppose whatever state of thingsWould offer you the greatest happiness;Gama.(toHilarion). You run a risk, my friend; so take good heed,For no one knows her temper but myself:(toKing) Since her betrothal, king, until the dayWhen she abjured all male society,I was the only man she ever saw!Hilar.Oh, that explains the mystery at once,And simplifies our task—come, Florian,And we will show these maidens what they’ve lost.[ExeuntHilarion,Florian, andCyril.

Scene First.—Court in King Hildebrand’s Palace.

King Hildebrand, discovered seated, in gloomy mood—Florianand otherCourtiersdiscovered looking off through telescopes—Cyrilstanding by theKing.

Hilde.See you no sign of Gama?

Flori.None, my liege.

Hilde.It’s very odd indeed! If Gama failsTo put in an appearance at our court,Before the sun has set in yonder west,And fails to bring the Princess Ida here—To whom our son Hilarion was betrothedAt the extremely early age of one—There’s war between King Gama and ourself.(Aside toCyril) Oh Cyril, how I dread this interview!It’s twenty years since he and I have met.He was a twisted monster—all awry,As though Dame Nature, angry with her work,Had crumbled it in fitful petulance!

Hilde.It’s very odd indeed! If Gama fails

To put in an appearance at our court,

Before the sun has set in yonder west,

And fails to bring the Princess Ida here—

To whom our son Hilarion was betrothed

At the extremely early age of one—

There’s war between King Gama and ourself.

(Aside toCyril) Oh Cyril, how I dread this interview!

It’s twenty years since he and I have met.

He was a twisted monster—all awry,

As though Dame Nature, angry with her work,

Had crumbled it in fitful petulance!

Cyril.But, sir, a twisted and ungainly trunk,Often bears goodly fruit—perhaps he wasA kind, well-spoken gentleman?

Cyril.But, sir, a twisted and ungainly trunk,

Often bears goodly fruit—perhaps he was

A kind, well-spoken gentleman?

Hilde.Oh, no—For, adder-like, his sting lay in his tongue!His bitter insolence still rankles here,Although a score of years have come and gone!His outer man, gnarled, knotted as it was,Seemed to his cruel and cynical within,Hyperion to a Saturday Review!

Hilde.Oh, no—

For, adder-like, his sting lay in his tongue!

His bitter insolence still rankles here,

Although a score of years have come and gone!

His outer man, gnarled, knotted as it was,

Seemed to his cruel and cynical within,

Hyperion to a Saturday Review!

Cyril.Oh, bear with him—he is an old, old man.Old men are fretful—peevish, as we know.A worm will sometimes turn—so will the milkOf human kindness, if it’s kept too long.

Cyril.Oh, bear with him—he is an old, old man.

Old men are fretful—peevish, as we know.

A worm will sometimes turn—so will the milk

Of human kindness, if it’s kept too long.

Flori.(looking through glass). But stay, my liege; o’er yonder mountain’s browComes a small body bearing Gama’s arms;And, now I look more closely at it, sir,I see attached to it King Gama’s legs;From which I gather this corollary—That that small body must be Gama’s own!

Flori.(looking through glass). But stay, my liege; o’er yonder mountain’s brow

Comes a small body bearing Gama’s arms;

And, now I look more closely at it, sir,

I see attached to it King Gama’s legs;

From which I gather this corollary—

That that small body must be Gama’s own!

Hilde.Ha! Is the Princess with him?

Flori.Well, my liege,Unless her ladyship is six feet high,And wears moustachios, too, and smokes cigars,And ridesen cavalier, in coat of mail,I do not think she is.

Flori.Well, my liege,

Unless her ladyship is six feet high,

And wears moustachios, too, and smokes cigars,

And ridesen cavalier, in coat of mail,

I do not think she is.

Hilde.(excited).Come, bustle there!For Gama, place the richest robes we have!For Gama, place the coarsest prison dress!For Gama, let our best spare bed be aired!For Gama, let our deepest dungeon yawn!For Gama, lay the costliest banquet out!For Gama, place cold water and dry bread!For as King Gama brings the Princess here,Or brings her not, so shall King Gama have—Much more than every thing—much less thannothing!

Hilde.(excited).Come, bustle there!

For Gama, place the richest robes we have!

For Gama, place the coarsest prison dress!

For Gama, let our best spare bed be aired!

For Gama, let our deepest dungeon yawn!

For Gama, lay the costliest banquet out!

For Gama, place cold water and dry bread!

For as King Gama brings the Princess here,

Or brings her not, so shall King Gama have—

Much more than every thing—much less than

nothing!

EnterPrince Hilarion.

Hilar.Well father, is there news for me, at last?

Hilde.My son, King Gama’s host is now in sight:Prepare to meet the fascinating brideTo whom you were betrothed so long ago.Why, how you sigh!

Hilde.My son, King Gama’s host is now in sight:

Prepare to meet the fascinating bride

To whom you were betrothed so long ago.

Why, how you sigh!

Hilar.My liege, I’m much afraidThe Princess Ida has not come with him.

Hilar.My liege, I’m much afraid

The Princess Ida has not come with him.

Hilde.And why?

Hilar.I’ve heard she has forsworn the world,And, with a band of women, shut herselfWithin a lonely country house, and thereDevotes herself to stern philosophies.

Hilar.I’ve heard she has forsworn the world,

And, with a band of women, shut herself

Within a lonely country house, and there

Devotes herself to stern philosophies.

Hilde.Then, I should say, the loss of such a wifeIs one to which a reasonable manWould easily be reconciled.

Hilde.Then, I should say, the loss of such a wife

Is one to which a reasonable man

Would easily be reconciled.

Hilar.Oh no—Or I am not a reasonable man.She is my wife: has been for twenty years.

Hilar.Oh no—

Or I am not a reasonable man.

She is my wife: has been for twenty years.

Hilde.That’s true—you were a baby in long clothesWhen you gained Ida’s heart and she gained yours.

Hilde.That’s true—you were a baby in long clothes

When you gained Ida’s heart and she gained yours.

Hilar.Yes—I remember—each of us was won!I think I see her now! (looking through telescope).

Hilar.Yes—I remember—each of us was won!

I think I see her now! (looking through telescope).

Hilde.Ha! let me look!

Hilar.In my mind’s eye, I mean—a blushing bride—All bib and tucker—frill and furbelow!How exquisite she looked as she was borneRecumbent in the monthly nurse’s arms!How the bride wept!—nor would be comfortedUntil the hireling mother-for-the-nonceAdministered refreshment in the vestry.And I remember feeling much annoyedThat she should weep at marrying with me;“But then,” I thought, “these brides are all alike!Cry on, young lady—brides are bound to cry.You cry at marrying me? How much more causeYou’d have to cry if it were broken off!”These were my thoughts—I kept them to myself,For, at that age, I had not learnt to speak.

Hilar.In my mind’s eye, I mean—a blushing bride—

All bib and tucker—frill and furbelow!

How exquisite she looked as she was borne

Recumbent in the monthly nurse’s arms!

How the bride wept!—nor would be comforted

Until the hireling mother-for-the-nonce

Administered refreshment in the vestry.

And I remember feeling much annoyed

That she should weep at marrying with me;

“But then,” I thought, “these brides are all alike!

Cry on, young lady—brides are bound to cry.

You cry at marrying me? How much more cause

You’d have to cry if it were broken off!”

These were my thoughts—I kept them to myself,

For, at that age, I had not learnt to speak.

Hilde.Your memory is singularly good.

Hilar.Do you remember, too, the wedding feast—Rolls steeped in milk, and other softened food,Fit for our undeveloped little gums?And talk of drink, I never shall forget,How merrily we passed that nursing bottle!A curly headed patriarch of three—The Princess Ida’s uncle—then proposedThe happy couple’s health—the bridesmaids, then,Fifteen in number—each six weeks of age,Began to weep—the fifteen groomsmen, too(The eldest of them eighteen months or so),Wept also—then, remembering they were men,Dashed from their eyes the unaccustomed brine!We parted then—and since, for twenty years,We have not met. It seems quite strange that sheShould have become a woman in the while!She speaks a hundred languages I’m told.

Hilar.Do you remember, too, the wedding feast—

Rolls steeped in milk, and other softened food,

Fit for our undeveloped little gums?

And talk of drink, I never shall forget,

How merrily we passed that nursing bottle!

A curly headed patriarch of three—

The Princess Ida’s uncle—then proposed

The happy couple’s health—the bridesmaids, then,

Fifteen in number—each six weeks of age,

Began to weep—the fifteen groomsmen, too

(The eldest of them eighteen months or so),

Wept also—then, remembering they were men,

Dashed from their eyes the unaccustomed brine!

We parted then—and since, for twenty years,

We have not met. It seems quite strange that she

Should have become a woman in the while!

She speaks a hundred languages I’m told.

Hilde.Your late mamma had mastered only one,Yet she was never at a loss for words!

Hilde.Your late mamma had mastered only one,

Yet she was never at a loss for words!

Hilar.But think how useful is a wife who canExpress her fancies in a hundred tongues.

Hilar.But think how useful is a wife who can

Express her fancies in a hundred tongues.

Hilde.You will find one, of average length, enough.

Hilar.I’ve heard she hopes to make all women swearThat they’ll abjure, for aye, the tyrant Man!She’s far before the age in which she lives!

Hilar.I’ve heard she hopes to make all women swear

That they’ll abjure, for aye, the tyrant Man!

She’s far before the age in which she lives!

Hilde.At all events she’s singular in that;Most grown up ladies of our court give outThat they are several years behind their age!

Hilde.At all events she’s singular in that;

Most grown up ladies of our court give out

That they are several years behind their age!

Hilar.A woman thus endowed should have been bornA century hence, at least!

Hilar.A woman thus endowed should have been born

A century hence, at least!

Hilde.The day will comeWhen you will most devoutly wish she had.

Hilde.The day will come

When you will most devoutly wish she had.

EnterCyril.

Cyril.My liege, King Gama’s train is at the gate,And prays admission.

Cyril.My liege, King Gama’s train is at the gate,

And prays admission.

Hilde.Cyril, show him in.Though Princess Ida wore a Gorgon’s head,He shall not tamper with King Hildebrand!

Hilde.Cyril, show him in.

Though Princess Ida wore a Gorgon’s head,

He shall not tamper with King Hildebrand!

Flourish—Procession. EnterCyril,FlorianandCourt, usheringKing Gama, and oneAttendant.

Gama.So this is Castle Hildebrand?—well, well—Dame Rumor whispered that the place was grand;She told me that your taste was exquisite—Superb—unparalleled—

Gama.So this is Castle Hildebrand?—well, well—

Dame Rumor whispered that the place was grand;

She told me that your taste was exquisite—

Superb—unparalleled—

Hilde.Oh, really, king—

Gama.But she’s a liar! Why, how old you’ve grown!Is this Hilarion?—why you’ve changed, too!You were a singularly handsome child!(toCyril) Are you a courtier? Come, then, ply your trade!Tell me some lies: how do you like your king?Vile Rumor says he’s all but imbecile—Now that’s not true!

Gama.But she’s a liar! Why, how old you’ve grown!

Is this Hilarion?—why you’ve changed, too!

You were a singularly handsome child!

(toCyril) Are you a courtier? Come, then, ply your trade!

Tell me some lies: how do you like your king?

Vile Rumor says he’s all but imbecile—

Now that’s not true!

Cyril.My lord, we love our king:His wise remarks are valued by his courtAs precious stones.

Cyril.My lord, we love our king:

His wise remarks are valued by his court

As precious stones.

Gama.And for the self-same cause!Like precious stones the wit of HildebrandDerives its value from its scarcity!Come now, be honest, tell the truth for once,Tell it of me! Come, come, I’ll harm you not!This leg is crooked—this foot is ill-designed—This shoulder wears a hump—come, out with it!Look, here’s my face—now am I not the worstOf Nature’s blunders?

Gama.And for the self-same cause!

Like precious stones the wit of Hildebrand

Derives its value from its scarcity!

Come now, be honest, tell the truth for once,

Tell it of me! Come, come, I’ll harm you not!

This leg is crooked—this foot is ill-designed—

This shoulder wears a hump—come, out with it!

Look, here’s my face—now am I not the worst

Of Nature’s blunders?

Hilar.Nature never errs.To those who know the workings of your mind,Your face and figure, sir, suggest a bookAppropriately bound.

Hilar.Nature never errs.

To those who know the workings of your mind,

Your face and figure, sir, suggest a book

Appropriately bound.

Gama.Why, harkye, sir!How dare you bandy words with me?

Gama.Why, harkye, sir!

How dare you bandy words with me?

Hilar.No needTo bandy aught that appertains to you.

Hilar.No need

To bandy aught that appertains to you.

Gama.(toHildebrand). Do you permit this, king?

Hilde.We are in doubtWhether to treat you as an honored guest,Or as a traitor knave who plights his wordAnd breaks it!

Hilde.We are in doubt

Whether to treat you as an honored guest,

Or as a traitor knave who plights his word

And breaks it!

Gama.If the casting vote’s with meI give it for the former.

Gama.If the casting vote’s with me

I give it for the former.

Hilde.We shall see:By the terms of our contract, signed and sealedYou’re bound to-day to bring the Princess hereTo join her spouse. Why is she not with you?

Hilde.We shall see:

By the terms of our contract, signed and sealed

You’re bound to-day to bring the Princess here

To join her spouse. Why is she not with you?

Gama.Why? Come, I’ll tell you, if you’ll answer this:What think you of a wealthy purse-proud manWho, when he calls upon a starving friend,Pulls out his gold, and flourishes his notes,And flashes diamonds in the pauper’s eyes—What name have you for such an one?

Gama.Why? Come, I’ll tell you, if you’ll answer this:

What think you of a wealthy purse-proud man

Who, when he calls upon a starving friend,

Pulls out his gold, and flourishes his notes,

And flashes diamonds in the pauper’s eyes—

What name have you for such an one?

Hilde.A snob!

Gama.Just so: King Hildebrand, I am no snobThe girl has beauty, virtue, learning, wit,Grace, humor, wisdom, charity, and pluck.Would it be kindly, think you, to paradeThese brilliant qualities beforeyoureyes?Oh no, King Hildebrand, I am no snob!

Gama.Just so: King Hildebrand, I am no snob

The girl has beauty, virtue, learning, wit,

Grace, humor, wisdom, charity, and pluck.

Would it be kindly, think you, to parade

These brilliant qualities beforeyoureyes?

Oh no, King Hildebrand, I am no snob!

Hilde.But hang it, man, the contract that we signedSome twenty years ago—

Hilde.But hang it, man, the contract that we signed

Some twenty years ago—

Gama.Why, here’s good news!(to Court) At last your king is going to redeemHis lengthy list of broken promises—And very properly, as wise men should,Begin at the beginning!

Gama.Why, here’s good news!

(to Court) At last your king is going to redeem

His lengthy list of broken promises—

And very properly, as wise men should,

Begin at the beginning!

Hilde.Stop that tongue,Or you shall lose the monkey head that holds it!Oh, I’ll be even with you, yet, for this.

Hilde.Stop that tongue,

Or you shall lose the monkey head that holds it!

Oh, I’ll be even with you, yet, for this.

Gama.Bravo! Your king deprives me of my head,That he and I may meet on equal terms!

Gama.Bravo! Your king deprives me of my head,

That he and I may meet on equal terms!

Hilde.Of this anon—we’ll try the force of arms—Where is she now?

Hilde.Of this anon—we’ll try the force of arms—

Where is she now?

Gama.In Castle Adamant—One of my many country houses. ThereShe rules a woman’s University,With full five hundred girls who learn of her.

Gama.In Castle Adamant—

One of my many country houses. There

She rules a woman’s University,

With full five hundred girls who learn of her.

Cyril.Five hundred girls! Five hundred ecstasies!

Gama.But no mere girls, my good young gentleman!With all the college learning that you boast,The youngest there will prove a match for you!

Gama.But no mere girls, my good young gentleman!

With all the college learning that you boast,

The youngest there will prove a match for you!

Cyril.With all my heart, if she’s the prettiest!Fancy—five hundred matches—all alight!That’s if I strike them, as I hope to do.

Cyril.With all my heart, if she’s the prettiest!

Fancy—five hundred matches—all alight!

That’s if I strike them, as I hope to do.

Gama.Despair your hope—their hearts are dead to man.He who desires to gain their favor mustBe qualified to strike their teeming brains,And not their hearts! They’re safety-matches, sir,And they light only on the knowledge box,Soyou’veno chance!

Gama.Despair your hope—their hearts are dead to man.

He who desires to gain their favor must

Be qualified to strike their teeming brains,

And not their hearts! They’re safety-matches, sir,

And they light only on the knowledge box,

Soyou’veno chance!

Hilar.We’ll try, at all events.I’ll take no soldiers, father, in my train—Cyril and Florian here will go with me,And we will storm them ere the week is out.

Hilar.We’ll try, at all events.

I’ll take no soldiers, father, in my train—

Cyril and Florian here will go with me,

And we will storm them ere the week is out.

Gama.That’s brave! They’re only women—storm away!

Hilar.Oh, don’t mistake us, sir, we mean to stormTheir eyes and hearts, and not their citadel.With sighs we’ll charge our mines and counter-mines,Dance steps shall be our scaling ladders, withThose croquêt mallets for our battering rams.Fair flowers shall bear the only blades we wield,Our eyes shall be our very deadliest darts,And bon-bon crackers our artillery!

Hilar.Oh, don’t mistake us, sir, we mean to storm

Their eyes and hearts, and not their citadel.

With sighs we’ll charge our mines and counter-mines,

Dance steps shall be our scaling ladders, with

Those croquêt mallets for our battering rams.

Fair flowers shall bear the only blades we wield,

Our eyes shall be our very deadliest darts,

And bon-bon crackers our artillery!

Gama.And so you think to conquer them with sighs?My good young gentleman, a sigh, to them,Is simply an exceptionally markedContraction of the intercostal muscles!Croquêt is interesting only whenIt illustrates familiar theoriesOf incidental and reflecting angles.Fair flowers, to them, are mere embodimentsOf calyx, pistil, stamina, and petal.Expressive eyes would have their charm, no doubt—

Gama.And so you think to conquer them with sighs?

My good young gentleman, a sigh, to them,

Is simply an exceptionally marked

Contraction of the intercostal muscles!

Croquêt is interesting only when

It illustrates familiar theories

Of incidental and reflecting angles.

Fair flowers, to them, are mere embodiments

Of calyx, pistil, stamina, and petal.

Expressive eyes would have their charm, no doubt—

Hilar.Of course!

Gama.But only, be it understood,As illustrating theories of vision!But here are letters—take them if you like—Perhaps she’s tired of disobedience,And may admit you.

Gama.But only, be it understood,

As illustrating theories of vision!

But here are letters—take them if you like—

Perhaps she’s tired of disobedience,

And may admit you.

Hilde.Good: Hilarion, go,Take Florian and Cyril, as you say,King Gama, we detain you pris’ner here,As hostage for the safety of our son.

Hilde.Good: Hilarion, go,

Take Florian and Cyril, as you say,

King Gama, we detain you pris’ner here,

As hostage for the safety of our son.

Gama.A prisoner? Why, what should I do hereAt Castle Hildebrand? I am not mad!

Gama.A prisoner? Why, what should I do here

At Castle Hildebrand? I am not mad!

Hilde.You can amuse yourself by fancyingThat there’s an execution in our house,And you’re the party in possession—orThat we are dead and you’ve succeeded us.In short, suppose whatever state of thingsWould offer you the greatest happiness;

Hilde.You can amuse yourself by fancying

That there’s an execution in our house,

And you’re the party in possession—or

That we are dead and you’ve succeeded us.

In short, suppose whatever state of things

Would offer you the greatest happiness;

Gama.(toHilarion). You run a risk, my friend; so take good heed,For no one knows her temper but myself:(toKing) Since her betrothal, king, until the dayWhen she abjured all male society,I was the only man she ever saw!

Gama.(toHilarion). You run a risk, my friend; so take good heed,

For no one knows her temper but myself:

(toKing) Since her betrothal, king, until the day

When she abjured all male society,

I was the only man she ever saw!

Hilar.Oh, that explains the mystery at once,And simplifies our task—come, Florian,And we will show these maidens what they’ve lost.[ExeuntHilarion,Florian, andCyril.

Hilar.Oh, that explains the mystery at once,

And simplifies our task—come, Florian,

And we will show these maidens what they’ve lost.

[ExeuntHilarion,Florian, andCyril.

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