OUR AMERICAN COUSIN.
ACT I.Scene 1—Drawing room in 3. Trenchard Manor, C. D., backed by interior, discovering table with luncheon spread. Large French window, R. 3 E., through which a fine English park is seen. Open archway, L. 3 E. Set balcony behind. Table, R., books and papers on it. Work basket containing wools and embroidery frame. A fashionable arm chair and sofa, L. 2 E., small table near C. D. Stage handsomely set, costly furniture, carpet down, chairs, etc.Buddicombe discovered on sofa reading newspaper. Skillet and Sharpe busily arranging furniture as curtain rises.SharpeI don't know how you may feel as a visitor, Mr. Buddicombe, but I think this is a most uncomfortable family.BudVery uncomfortable. I have no curtain to my bed.SkilAnd no wine at the second table.SharpeAnd meaner servants I never seed.BudI'm afraid Sir Edward is in a queer strait.SkilYes, for only this morning, Mr. Binny, Mrs. Skillet says he—Enter Binny, L. 3 E.BinnyMind your hown business instead hof your betters. I'm disgusted with you lower servants. When the wine merchant presents his bills, you men, hear me, say he's been pressing for the last six months, do you?SkilNor I, that the last year's milliner's bills have not been paid.SharpeNor I, that Miss Florence has not had no new dresses from London all winter.BudAnd I can solemnly swear that his lordship's hair has been faithfully bound in this bosom.BinnyThat'll do, that'll do; but to remember to check hidle curiosity is the first duty of men hin livery. Ha, 'ere hare the letters.Enter John Wickens, L. 3 E., with green baize bag. Binny takes bag, takes out letters and reads addresses.BinnyHah! bill, of course, Miss Augusta, Mrs. Mountchessington, Lord Dundreary, Capt. De Boots, Miss Georgina Mountchessington, Lieut. Vernon, ah! that's from the admiralty. What's this? Miss Florence Trenchard, via Brattleboro', Vermont.BudWhere's that, Mr. Binny.JohnWhy that be hin the United States of North Hamerica, and a main good place for poor folks.BinnyJohn Wickens, you forget yourself.JohnBeg pardon, Mr. Binny.BinnyJohn Wickens, leave the room.JohnBut I know where Vermont be tho'.BinnyJohn Wickens, get hout. [Exit John, L. 3 E.]BudDreadful low fellow, that.BinnyHalways himpudent.Bud[Looking at letter in Binny's hand.] Why, that is Sir Edward's hand, Mr. Binny, he must have been sporting.BinnyYes, shooting the wild helephants and buffalos what abound there.BudThe nasty beasts. [Looking off, R. 2 E.] Hello, there comes Miss Florence tearing across the lane like a three year old colt.Sharp&SkilOh, Gemini. [Run off, R. 2 E. Bud. runs off, L. 2 E.]Enter Florence, R. 2 E.Flo[As if after running.] Oh! I'm fairly out of breath. Good morning, Binny, the letter bag I saw coming, Wickens coming with it. I thought I could catch him before I reached the house. [Sits R.] So off I started, I forgot the pond, it was in or over. I got over, but my hat got in. I wish you'd fish it out for me, you won't find the pond very deep.BinnyMe fish for an at? Does she take me for an hangler?Flo. Give me the letters. [Takes them.] Ah, blessed budget that descends upon Trenchard Manor, like rain on a duck pond. Tell papa and all, that the letters have come, you will find them on the terrace.BinnyYes, Miss. [Going, L. 3 E.]FloAnd then go fish out my hat out of the pond, it's not very deep Binny [Aside.] Me fish for 'ats? I wonder if she takes me for an hangler? [Exit disgusted, R. 3 E.]Flo[Reading directions.] Lieut. Vernon. [This is a large letter with a large white envelope, red seal.] In her Majesty's service. Admiralty, R. N. Ah, that's an answer to Harry's application for a ship. Papa promised to use his influence for him. I hope he has succeeded, but then he will have to leave us, and who knows if he ever comes back. What a foolish girl I am, when I know that his rise in the service will depend upon it. I do hope he'll get it, and, if he must leave us, I'll bid him good bye as a lass who loves a sailor should.Enter Sir Edward, Mrs. M., Augusta, Capt. De Boots, Vernon, L. 3 E.FloPapa, dear, here are letters for you, one for you, Mrs. Mountchessington, one for you, Capt. De Boots, and one for you, Harry. [Hiding letter behind her.]VerAh, one for me, Florence?FloNow what will you give me for one?VerAh, then you have one?FloYes, there, Harry. [Gives it.]VerAh, for a ship. [Opens and reads.]FloAh! Mon ami, you are to leave us. Good news, or bad?VerNo ship yet, this promises another year of land lubbery. [Goes up.]Flo. I'm so sorry. [Aside.] I'm so glad he's not going away. But where's Dundreary. Has anybody seen Dundreary?Enter Dundreary.DunGood morning, Miss Florence.Flo[Comes down, L.] Good morning, my Lord Dundreary. Who do you think has been here? What does the postman bring?DunWell, sometimes he brings a bag with a lock on it, sometimes newspapers, and sometimes letters, I suppothe.FloThere. [Gives letter. Dundreary opens letter and Florence goes up R. Dun. knocks knees against chair, turns round knocks shins, and at last is seated extreme, R.]DunThank you. [Reads letter.]De B[Reading paper.] By Jove, old Soloman has made a crop of it.DunA—what of it?De BI beg pardon, an event I am deeply interested in, that's all. I beg pardon.AugAh! Florence, dear, there's a letter of yours got among mine. [Gives it.]FloWhy papa, it's from dear brother Ned.Sir EFrom my boy! Where is he? How is he? Read it.FloHe writes from Brattleboro' Vt. [Reading written letter.] "Quite well, just come in from a shooting excursion, with a party of Crows, splendid fellows, six feet high."DunBirds six feet high, what tremendous animals they must be.FloOh, I see what my brother means; a tribe of indians called Crows, not birds.DunOh, I thought you meant those creatures with wigs on them.FloWigs!DunI mean those things that move, breathe and walk, they look like animals with those things. [Moving his arms like wings.]FloWings.DunBirds with wings, that's the idea.Flo[Reading written letter.] "Bye-the-bye, I have lately come quite hap-hazard upon the other branch of our family, which emigrated to America at the Restoration. They are now thriving in this State, and discovering our relationship, they received me most hospitably. I have cleared up the mysterious death of old Mark Trenchard."Sir EOf my uncle!Flo[Reading written letter.] "It appears that when he quarreled with his daughter on her marriage with poor Meredith, he came here in search of this stray shoot of the family tree, found them and died in their house, leaving Asa, one of the sons, heir to his personal property in England, which ought to belong to poor Mary Meredith. Asa is about to sail for the old country, to take possession. I gave him directions to find you out, and he should arrive almost as soon as this letter. Receive him kindly for the sake of the kindness he has shown to me, and let him see some of our shooting." Your affectionate brother, NED.Sir EAn American branch of the family.Mrs MOh, how interesting!Aug[Enthusiastically.] How delightfully romantic! I can imagine the wild young hunter. An Apollo of the prairie.FloAn Apollo of the prairie; yes, with a strong nasal twang, and a decided taste for tobacco and cobblers.Sir EFlorence, you forget that he is a Trenchard, and no true Trenchard would have a liking for cobblers or low people of that kind.FloI hate him, whatever he is, coming here to rob poor cousin Mary of her grandmother's guineas.Sir EFlorence, how often must I request you not to speak of Mary Meredith as your cousin?FloWhy, she is my cousin, is she not? Besides she presides over her milk pail like a duchess playing dairymaid. [Sir E. goes up.] Ah! Papa won't hear me speak of my poor cousin, and then I'm so fond of syllabubs. Dundreary, do you know what syllabubs are?DunOh, yeth, I know what syllabubs is—yeth—yeth.FloWhy, I don't believe you do know what they are.DunNot know what syllabubs are? That's a good idea. Why they are—syllabubs are—they are only babies, idiotic children; that's a good idea, that's good. [Bumps head against Florence.]FloNo, it's not a bit like the idea. What you mean are called cherubims.DunWhat, those things that look like oranges, with wings on them?FloNot a bit like it. Well, after luncheon you must go with me and I'll introduce you to my cousin Mary and syllabubs.DunI never saw Mr. Syllabubs, I am sure.FloWell, now, don't forget.DunI never can forget—when I can recollect.FloThen recollect that you have an appointment with me after luncheon.DunYeth, yeth.FloWell, what have you after luncheon?DunWell, sometimes I have a glass of brandy with an egg in it, sometimes a run 'round the duck-pond, sometimes a game of checkers—that's for exercise, and perhaps a game of billiards.FloNo, no; you have with me after luncheon, an ap—an ap—DunAn ap— an ap—FloAn ap—an appoint—appointment.DunAn ointment, that's the idea. [Knocks against De Boots as they go up stage.]Mrs M[Aside.] That artful girl has designs upon Lord Dundreary. Augusta, dear, go and see how your poor, dear sister is this morning.AugYes, mamma. [Exit, L. 1 E.]Mrs MShe is a great sufferer, my dear.DunYeth, but a lonely one.FloWhat sort of a night had she?Mrs MOh, a very refreshing one, thanks to the draught you were kind enough to prescribe for her, Lord Dundreary.FloWhat! Has Lord Dundreary been prescribing for Georgina?DunYeth. You see I gave her a draught that cured the effect of the draught, and that draught was a draft that didn't pay the doctor's bill. Didn't that draught—FloGood gracious! what a number of draughts. You have almost a game of draughts.DunHa! ha! ha!FloWhat's the matter?DunThat wath a joke, that wath.FloWhere's the joke? [Dundreary screams and turns to Mrs. M.]Mrs MNo.DunShe don't see it. Don't you see—a game of drafts—pieces of wound wood on square pieces of leather. That's the idea. Now, I want to put your brains to the test. I want to ask you a whime.FloA whime, what's that?DunA whime is a widdle, you know.FloA widdle!DunYeth; one of those things, like—why is so and so or somebody like somebody else.FloOh, I see, you mean a conundrum.DunYeth, a drum, that's the idea. What is it gives a cold in the head, cures a cold, pays the doctor's bill and makes the home-guard look for substitutes? [Florence repeats it.] Yeth, do you give it up?FloYes.DunWell, I'll tell you—a draught. Now I've got a better one that that: When is a dog's tail not a dog's tail? [Florence repeats. During this Florence, Mrs. M. and Dundreary are down stage.]FloYes, and willingly.DunWhen it's a cart. [They look at him enquiringly.]FloWhy, what in earth has a dog's tail to do with a cart?DunWhen it moves about, you know. A horse makes a cart move, so does a dog make his tail move.FloOh, I see what you mean—when it's a wagon. [Wags the letter in her hand.]DunWell, a wagon and a cart are the same thing, ain't they! That's the idea—it's the same thing.FloThey are not the same. In the case of your conundrum there's a very great difference.DunNow I've got another. Why does a dog waggle his tail?FloUpon my word, I never inquired.DunBecause the tail can't waggle the dog. Ha! Ha!FloHa! ha! Is that your own, Dundreary?DunNow I've got one, and this one is original.FloNo, no, don't spoil the last one.DunYeth; but this is extremely interesting.Mrs MDo you think so, Lord Dundreary?DunYeth. Miss Georgina likes me to tell her my jokes. Bye-the-bye, talking of that lonely sufferer, isn't she an interesting invalid? They do say that's what's the matter with me. I'm an interesting invalid.FloOh, that accounts for what I have heard so many young ladies say—Florence, dear, don't you think Lord Dundreary's extremely interesting? I never knew what they meant before.DunYeth, the doctor recommends me to drink donkey's milk.Flo[Hiding laugh.] Oh, what a clever man he must be. He knows we generally thrive best on our native food. [Goes up.]Dun[Looking first at Florence and then at Mrs M.] I'm so weak, and that is so strong. Yes, I'm naturally very weak, and I want strengthening. Yes, I guess I'll try it.Enter Augusta. Bus. with Dundreary, who finally exits and brings on Georgina, L. 1 E.DunLook at this lonely sufferer. [Bringing on Georgina, seats her on sofa, L.] There, repothe yourself.Geo[Fanning herself] Thank you, my lord. Everybody is kind to me, and I am so delicate.Aug[At table.] Capt. De Boots, do help to unravel these wools for me, you have such an eye for color.FloAn eye for color! Yes, especially green.Dun[Screams.] Ha! ha! ha!All What's the matter?DunWhy, that wath a joke, that wath.FloWhere was the joke?DunEspecially, ha! ha!Sir EFlorence, dear, I must leave you to represent me to my guests. These letters will give me a great deal of business to-day.FloWell, papa, remember I am your little clerk and person of all work.Sir ENo, no; this is private business—money matters, my love, which women know nothing about. [Aside.] Luckily for them, I expect Mr. Coyle to-day.FloDear papa, how I wish you would get another agent.Sir ENonsense, Florence, impossible. He knows my affairs. His father was agent for the late Baronet. He's one of the family, almost.FloPapa, I have implicit faith in my own judgement of faces. Depend upon it, that man is not to be trusted.Sir EFlorence, you are ridiculous. I could not get on a week without him. [Aside.] Curse him, I wish I could! Coyle is a most intelligent agent, and a most faithful servant of the family.Enter Binny, L. 3 E.BinnyMr. Coyle and hagent with papers.Sir EShow him into the library. I will be with him presently. [Exit Binny.]FloRemember the archery meeting, papa. It is at three.Sir EYes, yes, I'll remember. [Aside.] Pretty time for such levity when ruin stares me in the face. Florence, I leave you as my representative. [Aside.] Now to prepare myself to meet my Shylock. [Exit, R. 1 E.]FloWhy will papa not trust me? [Vernon comes down, R.] Oh, Harry! I wish he would find out what a lot of pluck and common sense there is in this feather head of mine.DunMiss Florence, will you be kind enough to tell Miss Georgina all about that American relative of yours.FloOh, about my American cousin; certainly. [Aside to Harry.] Let's have some fun. Well, he's about 17 feet high!DunGood gracious! 17 feet high!FloThey are all 17 feet high in America, ain't they, Mr. Vernon?VerYes, that's about the average height.FloAnd they have long black hair that reaches down to their heels; they have dark copper-colored skin, and they fight with—What do they fight with, Mr. Vernon?VerTomahawks and scalping knives.FloYes; and you'd better take care, Miss Georgina, or he'll take his tomahawk and scalping knife and scalp you immediately. [Georgina screams and faints.]DunHere, somebody get something and throw over her; a pail of water; no, not that, she's pale enough already. [Fans her with handkerchief.] Georgina, don't be afraid. Dundreary's by your side, he will protect you.FloDon't be frightened, Georgina. He will never harm you while Dundreary is about. Why, he could get three scalps here. [Pulls Dundreary's whiskers. Georgina screams.]DunDon't scream, I won't lose my whiskers. I know what I'll do for my own safety. I will take this handkerchief and tie the roof of my head on. [Ties it on.]Flo[Pretending to cry.] Good bye, Dundreary. I'll never see you again in all your glory.DunDon't cry, Miss Florence, I'm ready for Mr. Tommy Hawk.Enter Binny.BinnyIf you please, Miss, 'ere's a gent what says he's hexpected.FloWhat's his name? Where's his card?BinnyHe didn't tell me his name, Miss, and when I haxed him for his card 'e said 'e had a whole pack in his valise, and if I 'ad a mine 'e'd play me a game of seven hup. He says he has come to stay, and he certainly looks as if he didn't mean to go.FloThat's him. Show him in, Mr. Binny. [Exit Binny, L. 3 E.] That's my American cousin, I know.Aug[Romantically.] Your American cousin. Oh, how delightfully romantic, isn't it, Capt. De Boots? [Comes down.] I can imagine the wild young hunter, with the free step and majestic mien of the hunter of the forest.Asa [Outside, L. 3 E.] Consarn your picture, didn't I tell you I was expected? You are as obstinate as Deacon Stumps' forelock, that wouldn't lie down and couldn't stand up. Would't pint forward and couldn't go backward.Enter Asa, L. 3 E., carrying a valise.AsaWhere's the Squire?FloDo you mean Sir Edward Trenchard, sir?AsaYes.FloHe is not present, but I am his daughter.AsaWell, I guess that'll fit about as well if you tell this darned old shoat to take me to my room.FloWhat does he mean by shoat?Binny[Taking valise.] He means me, mum; but what he wants—AsaHurry up, old hoss!BinnyHe calls me a 'oss, Miss, I suppose I shall be a hox next, or perhaps an 'ogg.AsaWal, darn me if you ain't the consarnedest old shoat I ever did see since I was baptized Asa Trenchard.FloAh! then it is our American cousin. Glad to see you—my brother told us to expect you.AsaWal, yes, I guess you do b'long to my family. I'm Asa Trenchard, born in Vermont, suckled on the banks of Muddy Creek, about the tallest gunner, the slickest dancer, and generally the loudest critter in the state. You're my cousin, be you? Wal, I ain't got no objections to kiss you, as one cousin ought to kiss another.VerSir, how dare you?AsaAre you one of the family? Cause if you ain't, you've got no right to interfere, and if you be, you needn't be alarmed, I ain't going to kiss you. Here's your young man's letter. [Gives letter and attempts to kiss her.]FloIn the old country, Mr. Trenchard, cousins content themselves with hands, but our hearts are with them. You are welcome, there is mine. [Gives her hand, which he shakes heartily.]AsaThat'll do about as well. I won't kiss you if you don't want me to; but if you did, I wouldn't stop on account of that sailor man. [Business of Vernon threatening Asa.] Oh! now you needn't get your back up. What an all-fired chap you are. Now if you'll have me shown to my room, I should like to fix up a bit and put on a clean buzzom. [All start.] Why, what on earth is the matter with you all? I only spoke because you're so all-fired go-to-meeting like.FloShow Mr. Trenchard to the red room, Mr. Binny, that is if you are done with it, Mr. Dundreary.DunYeth, Miss Florence. The room and I have got through with each other, yeth.[Asa and Dundreary see each other for the first time. Business of recognition, ad. lib.]AsaConcentrated essence of baboons, what on earth is that?DunHe's mad. Yes, Miss Florence, I've done with that room. The rooks crowed so that they racked my brain.AsaYou don't mean to say that you've got any brains.DunNo, sir, such a thing never entered my head. The wed indians want to scalp me. [Holding hands to his head.]FloThe red room, then, Mr. Binny.Asa[To Binny.] Hold on! [Examines him.] Wal, darn me, but you keep your help in all-fired good order here. [Feels of him.] This old shoat is fat enough to kill. [Hits Binny in stomach. Binny runs off, L. 2 E.] Mind how you go up stairs, old hoss, or you'll bust your biler. [Exit, L. 3 E.]DunNow he thinks Binny's an engine and has got a boiler.FloOh, what fun!Mrs MOld Mark Trenchard died very rich, did he not, Florence?FloVery rich, I believe.AugHe's not at all romantic, is he, mamma?Mrs M[Aside to her] My dear, I have no doubt he has solid good qualities, and I don't want you to laugh at him like Florence Trenchard.AugNo, mamma, I won't.FloBut what are we to do with him?DunHa! Ha! ha!AllWhat is the matter?DunI've got an idea.FloOh! let's hear Dundreary's idea.DunIt's so seldom I get an idea that when I do get one it startles me. Let us get a pickle bottle.FloPickle bottle! [All come down.]DunYeth; one of those things with glass sides.Enter Asa, L. 2 E.FloOh! you mean a glass case.DunYeth, a glass case, that's the idea, and let us put this Mr. Thomas Hawk in it, and have him on exhibition. That's the idea.Asa[Down L. of Florence, overhearing.] Oh! that's your idea, is it? Wal, stranger, I don't know what they're going to do with me, but wherever they do put me, I hope it will be out of the reach of a jackass. I'm a real hoss, I am, and I get kinder riley with those critters.DunNow he thinks he's a horse. I've heard of a great jackass, and I dreampt of a jackass, but I don't believe there is any such insect.FloWell, cousin, I hope you made yourself comfortable.AsaWell, no, I can't say as I did. You see there was so many all-fired fixins in my room I couldn't find anything I wanted.FloWhat was it you couldn't find in your room?AsaThere as no soft soap.De BSoft soap!AugSoft soap!VerSoft soap!Mrs MSoft soap!FloSoft soap!Geo[On sofa.] Soft soap!DunThoft thoap?AsaYes, soft soap. I reckon you know what that is. However, I struck a pump in the kitchen, slicked my hair down a little, gave my boots a lick of grease, and now I feel quite handsome; but I'm everlastingly dry.FloYou'll find ale, wine and luncheon on the side-table.AsaWal, I don't know as I've got any appetite. You see comin' along on the cars I worried down half a dozen ham sandwiches, eight or ten boiled eggs, two or three pumpkin pies and a string of cold sausages—and—Wal, I guess I can hold on till dinner-time.DunDid that illustrious exile eat all that? I wonder where he put it?AsaI'm as dry as a sap-tree in August.Binny[Throwing open, E. D.] Luncheon!Asa[Goes hastily up to table.] Wal, I don't want to speak out too plain, but this is an awful mean set out for a big house like this.FloWhy, what's wrong, sir?AsaWhy, there's no mush!DunNo mush?AsaNary slapjack.DunWhy, does he want Mary to slap Jack?AsaNo pork and beans!DunPork's been here, but he's left.AsaAnd where on airth's the clam chowder?DunWhereisclam chowder? He's never here when he's wanted.Asa[Drinks and spits.] Here's your health, old hoss. Do you call that a drink? See here, cousin, you seem to be the liveliest critter here, so just hurry up the fixins, and I'll show this benighted aristocratic society what real liquor is. So hurry up the fixins.AllFixins?FloWhat do you mean by fixins?AsaWhy, brandy, rum, gin and whiskey. We'll make them all useful.FloOh, I'll hurry up the fixins. What fun! [Exit, R.]DunOh! I thought he meant the gas fixins.AsaSay, you, you Mr. Puffy, you run out and get me a bunch of mint and a bundle of straws; hurry up, old hoss. [Exit Binny, L. 3 E., indignantly.] Say, Mr. Sailor man, just help me down with this table. Oh! don't you get riley, you and I ran against each other when I came in, but we'll be friends yet. [Vernon helps him with table to C.]Enter Florence, followed by servants in livery; they carry a case of decanters and water, on which are seven or eight glasses, two or three tin mixers and a bowl of sugar. Binny enters with a bunch of mint and a few straws.FloHere, cousin, are the fixins.AsaThat's yer sort. Now then, I'll give you all a drink that'll make you squeal. [To Binny] Here, Puffy, just shake that up, faster. I'll give that sick gal a drink that'll make her squirm like an eel on a mud bank.Dun[Screams.] What a horrible idea. [Runs about stage.]FloOh, don't mind him! That's only an American joke.DunA joke! Do you call that a joke? To make a sick girl squirm like a mud bank on an eel's skin?AsaYes, I'll give you a drink that'll make your whiskers return under your chin, which is their natural location. Now, ladies and gentlemen, what'll you have, Whiskey Skin, Brandy Smash, Sherry Cobbler, Mint Julep or Jersey Lightning?AugOh, I want a Mint Julep.De BGive me a Gin Cocktail.FloI'll take a Sherry Cobbler.VerBrandy Smash for me.Mrs MGive me a Whiskey Skin.GeoI'll take a Lemonade.DunGive me a Jersey Lightning.AsaGive him a Jersey Lightning. [As Dundreary drinks] Warranted to kill at forty rods. [Dundreary falls back on Mrs. M. and Georgina.]Closed In.Scene 2—Library in Trenchard Manor. Oriel Window, L. C., with curtains. Two chairs and table brought on at change.Enter Binny and Coyle, L. 1 E.BinnySir Hedward will see you directly, Mr. Coyle.CoyleVery well. House full of company, I see, Mr. Binny.BinnyCram full, Mr. Coyle. As one of the first families in the country we must keep up our position.Coyle[Rubbing his hands.] Certainly, certainly, that is as long as we can, Mr. Binny. Tell Murcott, my clerk, to bring my papers in here. You'll find him in the servant's hall, and see that you keep your strong ale out of his way. People who serve me must have their senses about them.Binny[Aside.] I should say so, or 'e'd 'ave hevery tooth hout in their 'eds, the wiper. [Exit, L. 1 E.]CoyleAnd now to show this pompous baronet the precipice on which he stands.Enter Murcott, with green bag and papers.CoyleAre you sober, sirrah?MurcottYes, Mr. Coyle.CoyleThen see you keep so.MurI'll do my best, sir. But, oh! do tell them to keep liquor out of my way. I can't keep from it now, try as I will, and I try hard enough, God help me!CoylePshaw! Get out those mortgages and the letters from my London agent. [Murcott takes papers from bag and places then on table. Coyle looks off, R. 1 E.] So; here comes Sir Edward. Go, but be within call. I may want you to witness a signature.MurI will sir. [Aside.] I must have brandy, or my hand will not be steady enough to write. [Exit, L. 1 E.]Enter Sir Edward, R. 1 E. Coyle bows.Sir EGood morning, Coyle, good morning. [With affected ease.] There is a chair, Coyle. [They sit.] So you see those infernal tradespeople are pretty troublesome.CoyleMy agent's letter this morning announces that Walter and Brass have got judgement and execution on their amount for repairing your town house last season. [Refers to papers.] Boquet and Barker announce their intention of taking this same course with the wine account. Handmarth is preparing for a settlement of his heavy demand for the stables. Then there is Temper for pictures and other things and Miss Florence Trenchard's account with Madame Pompon, and—Sir EConfound it, why harass me with details, these infernal particulars? Have you made out the total?CoyleFour thousand, eight hundred and thirty pounds, nine shillings and sixpence.Sir EWell, of course we must find means of settling this extortion.CoyleYes, Sir Edward, if possible.Sir EIf possible?CoyleI, as your agent, must stoop to detail, you must allow me to repeat, if possible.Sir EWhy, you don't say there will be any difficulty in raising the money?CoyleWhat means would you suggest, Sir Edward.Sir EThat, sir, is your business.CoyleA foretaste in the interest on the Fanhille & Ellenthrope mortgages, you are aware both are in the arrears, the mortgagees in fact, write here to announce their intentions to foreclose. [Shows papers.]Sir ECurse your impudence, pay them off.CoyleHow, Sir Edward?Sir EConfound it, sir, which of us is the agent? Am I to find you brains for your own business?CoyleNo, Sir Edward, I can furnish the brains, but what I ask of you is to furnish the money.Sir EThere must be money somewhere, I came into possession of one of the finest properties in Hampshire only twenty-six years ago, and now you mean to tell me I cannot raise 4,000 pounds?CoyleThe fact is distressing, Sir Edward, but so it is.Sir EThere's the Ravensdale property unencumbered.CoyleThere, Sir Edward, you are under a mistake. The Ravensdale property is deeply encumbered, to nearly its full value.Sir E[Springing up.] Good heavens.CoyleI have found among my father's papers a mortgage of that very property to him.Sir ETo your father! My father's agent?CoyleYes, bearing date the year after the great contested election for the county, on which the late Sir Edward patriotically spent sixty thousand pounds for the honor of not being returned to Parliament.Sir EA mortgage on the Ravensdale estate. But it must have been paid off, Mr. Coyle, [anxiously,] have you looked for the release or the receipt?CoyleNeither exists. My father's sudden death explains sufficiently. I was left in ignorance of the transaction, but the seals on the deed and the stamps are intact, here it is, sir. [Shows it.]Sir ESir, do you know that if this be true I am something like a beggar, and your father something like a thief.CoyleI see the first plainly, Sir Edward, but not the second.Sir EDo you forget sir, that your father was a charity boy, fed, clothed by my father?CoyleWell, Sir Edward?Sir EAnd do you mean to tell me, sir, that your father repaid that kindness by robbing his benefactor?CoyleCertainly not, but by advancing money to that benefactor when he wanted it, and by taking the security of one of his benefactor's estates, as any prudent man would under the circumstances.Sir EWhy, then, sir, the benefactor's property is yours.CoylePardon me, the legal estate you have your equity of redemption. You have only to pay the money and the estate is yours as before.Sir EHow dare you, sir, when you have just shown me that I cannot raise five hundred pounds in the world. Oh! Florence, why did I not listen to you when you warned me against this man?Coyle[Aside.] Oh! she warned you, did she? [Aloud.] I see one means, at least, of keeping the Ravensdale estate in the family.Sir EWhat is it?CoyleBy marrying your daughter to the mortgagee.Sir ETo you?CoyleI am prepared to settle the estate on Miss Trenchard the day she becomes Mrs. Richard Coyle.Sir E[Springing up.] You insolent scoundrel, how dare you insult me in my own house, sir. Leave it, sir, or I will have you kicked out by my servants.CoyleI never take an angry man at his word, Sir Edward. Give a few moments reflection to my offer, you can have me kicked out afterwards.Sir E[ Pacing stage.] A beggar, Sir Edward Trenchard a beggar, see my children reduced to labor for their bread, to misery perhaps; but the alternative, Florence detests him, still the match would save her, at least, from ruin. He might take the family name, I might retrench, retire, to the continent for a few years. Florence's health might serve as a pretence. Repugnant as the alternative is, yet it deserves consideration.Coyle[Who has watched.] Now, Sir Edward, shall I ring for the servants to kick me out?Sir ENay Mr. Coyle, you must pardon my outburst, you know I am hasty, and——Flo[Without.] Papa, dear! [Enters gaily, starts on seeing Coyle.] Papa, pardon my breaking in on business, but our American cousin has come, such an original—and we are only waiting for you to escort us to the field.Sir EI will come directly, my love. Mr. Coyle, my dear, you did not see him.Flo[Disdainfully.] Oh! yes, I saw him, papa.Sir ENay, Florence, your hand to Mr. Coyle. [Aside.] I insist.FloPapa. [Frightened at his look, gives her hand. Coyle attempts to kiss it, she snatches it away and crosses to L.]Sir E[Crosses to L.] Come, Florence. Mr. Coyle, we will join you in the park. Come, my love, take my arm. [Hurries her off, L. 1 E.]CoyleShallow, selfish fool. She warned you of me did she? And you did not heed her; you shall both pay dearly. She, for her suspicions, and you that you did not share them. [Walks up and down.] How lucky the seals were not cut from that mortgage, when the release was given. 'Tis like the silly security of the Trenchard's. This mortgage makes Ravensdale mine, while the release that restores it to its owner lies in the recess of the bureau, whose secret my father revealed to me on his death bed. [Enter Murcott, L. 1 E.] Write to the mortgagee of the Fanhill and Ellenthrope estates, to foreclose before the week is out, and tell Walters and Brass to put in execution to-day. We'll prick this wind-bag of a Baronet. Abel, we have both a bone to pick with him and his daughter. [Murcott starts.] Why, what's the matter?MurNothing, the dizziness I've had lately.CoyleBrandy in the evening, brandy in the morning, brandy all night. What a fool you are, Murcott.MurWho knows that as well as I do?CoyleIf you would but keep the money out of your mouth, there's the making of a man in you yet.MurNo, no, it's gone too far, it's gone too far, thanks to the man who owns this house, you know all about it. How he found me a thriving, sober lad, flogging the village children through their spelling book. How he took a fancy to me as he called it, and employed me here to teach his son and Miss Florence. [His voice falters.] Then remember how I forgot who and what I was, and was cuffed out of the house like a dog. How I lost my school, my good name, but still hung about the place, they all looked askance at me, you don't know how that kills the heart of a man, then I took to drink and sank down, down, till I came to this.CoyleYou owe Sir Edward revenge, do you not? You shall have a rare revenge on him, that mortgage you found last week puts the remainder of the property in my reach, and I close my hand on it unless he will consent to my terms.MurYou can drive a hard bargain. I know.CoyleAnd a rare price I ask for his forbearance, Abel—his daughter's hand.MurFlorence?CoyleYes, Florence marries Richard Coyle. Richard Coyle steps into Sir Edward's estates. There, you dog, will not that be a rare revenge. So follow me with those papers. [Crosses to L.] And now to lay the mine that will topple over the pride of the Trenchards. [Exit L. 1 E.]MurHe marry Florence! Florence Trenchard! My Florence. Mine! Florencehis wife. No, no, better a thousand times she had been mine, low as I am, when I dreampt that dream, but it shan't be, it shan't be. [Tremblingly putting papers in bag.] If I can help her, sot though I am. Yes, I can help her, if the shock don't break me down. Oh! my poor muddled brain, surely there was a release with it when I found it. I must see Florence to warn her and expose Coyle's villainy. Oh! how my poor head throbs when I try to. I shall die if I don't have a drop of brandy, yes brandy. [Exit, L. 1 E.]Scene 3—Chamber in 3. at Trenchard Manor. Large shower bath near R. 3 E. Toilet table with draw, L. 2 E. Small bottle in draw with red sealing wax on cork. Asa discovered seated, R. with foot on table, smoking a cigar. Valise on floor in front of him. Binny discovered standing by his side.AsaWal, I guess I begin to feel kinder comfortable here in this place, if it wan't for this tarnal fat critter. He don't seem to have any work to do, but swells out his big bosom like an old turkey-cock in laying time. I do wonder what he's here for? Do they think I mean to absquatulate with the spoons? [Binny attempts to take valise—Asa puts his foot on it.] Let that sweat. That's my plunder.BinnyWill you have the kindness to give me your keys, hif you please, sir?AsaWhat do you want with my keys?BinTo put your things away in the wardrobe, sir.AsaWal, I calculate if my two shirts, three bosoms, four collars, and two pair of socks were to get into that everlasting big bunk, they'd think themselves so all-fired small I should never be able to crawl into them again.BinWill you take a baath before you dress?AsaTake a baath?BinA baath.AsaI suppose you mean a bath. Wal, man, I calkalate I ain't going to expose myself to the shakes by getting into cold water in this cruel cold climate of yours, so make tracks.BinMake what?AsaVamose!BinMake vamose!AsaAbsquatulate.BinAb— what sir?AsaSkedaddle.BinSkedaddle?AsaOh! get out.BinOh! [Going.] If you are going to dress you'll want some hassistance.AsaAssistance! what to get out of my unmentionables and into them again? Wal, 'spose I do, what then?BinJust ring the bell, hi'll hattend you.AsaAll right, come along. [Binny going.] Hold on, say, I may want to yawn presently and I shall want somebody to shut my mouth. [Binny hurries off, L. 1 E.] Wal, now I am alone, I can look about me and indulge the enquiring spirit of an American citizen. What an everlasting lot of things and fixins there is to be sure. [Opens table draw.] Here's a place will hold my plunder beautifully. [Sees bottle.] Hallo, what's this? [Comes down.] Something good to drink. [Smells bottle.] It smells awful bad. [Reads label.] Golden Fluid, one application turns the hair a beautiful brown, several applications will turn the hair a lustrous black. Well, if they keep on it may turn a pea green. I reckon this has been left here by some fellow who is ashamed of the natural color of his top knot. [Knock.] Come in.Enter Binny, L. 1 E.BinMr. Buddicombe, sir, my lord's hown man.AsaRoll him in. [Binny beckons, enter Buddicombe.] Turkey cock number two, what is it?BudMy Lord Dundreary's compliments andhaveyou seen a smallbottlein the toilet table drawer?AsaSuppose I had, what then?BudMy lord wants it particly.AsaWas it a small bottle?BudA small bottle.BinBottle small.AsaBlue label?BinLabel blue.AsaRed sealing wax on the top?BudRed sealing wax.BinWax red.AsaNice little bottle?BinLittle bottle nice.AsaWal, I ain't seen it. [Aside.] If my lord sets a valley on it, guess it must be worth something.BudSorry to trouble you, sir.Bin[ Aside toBud.] What his hit?BudMy lord's hair dye, the last bottle, and he turns red tomorrow. [Exit in haste.]BinOrrable, what an hawful situation, to be sure.Asa[Aside.] So I've got my ring on that lord's nose, and if I don't make him dance to my tune it's a pity.BinMiss Florence begged me to say she had borrowed a costume for you, for the harchery meeting, sir.AsaHain't you dropped something?BinWhere?AsaWhat do you mean by the harchery meeting?BinWhere they shoot with bows and harrows.AsaThere goes another of them, oh! you need'nt look for them, you can't find 'em when you want 'em. Now you just take my compliments to Miss Trenchard when I goes out shooting with injurious weapons I always wears my own genuine shooting costume. That's the natural buff tipped off with a little red paint.BinGood gracious, he'd look like Hadam and Heve, in the garden of Eden. [Exit Binny.]AsaWal, there's a queer lot of fixings. [Sees shower bath.] What on airth is that? Looks like a 'skeeter net, only it 'ain't long enough for a feller to lay down in unless he was to coil himself up like a woodchuck in a knot hole. I'd just like to know what the all-fired thing is meant for. [Calls.] Say Puffy, Puffy, Oh! he told me if I wanted him to ring the bell. [Looks round room.] Where on airth is the bell? [Slips partly inside shower bath, pulls rope, water comes down.] Murder! help! fire! Water! I'm drown.Enter Skillet,Sharpe, R. 1 E. Binny, Buddicombe, L. 1 E., seeing Asa, all laugh, and keep it up till curtain falls.CURTAIN.
Scene 1—Drawing room in 3. Trenchard Manor, C. D., backed by interior, discovering table with luncheon spread. Large French window, R. 3 E., through which a fine English park is seen. Open archway, L. 3 E. Set balcony behind. Table, R., books and papers on it. Work basket containing wools and embroidery frame. A fashionable arm chair and sofa, L. 2 E., small table near C. D. Stage handsomely set, costly furniture, carpet down, chairs, etc.
Buddicombe discovered on sofa reading newspaper. Skillet and Sharpe busily arranging furniture as curtain rises.
SharpeI don't know how you may feel as a visitor, Mr. Buddicombe, but I think this is a most uncomfortable family.
BudVery uncomfortable. I have no curtain to my bed.
SkilAnd no wine at the second table.
SharpeAnd meaner servants I never seed.
BudI'm afraid Sir Edward is in a queer strait.
SkilYes, for only this morning, Mr. Binny, Mrs. Skillet says he—
Enter Binny, L. 3 E.
BinnyMind your hown business instead hof your betters. I'm disgusted with you lower servants. When the wine merchant presents his bills, you men, hear me, say he's been pressing for the last six months, do you?
SkilNor I, that the last year's milliner's bills have not been paid.
SharpeNor I, that Miss Florence has not had no new dresses from London all winter.
BudAnd I can solemnly swear that his lordship's hair has been faithfully bound in this bosom.
BinnyThat'll do, that'll do; but to remember to check hidle curiosity is the first duty of men hin livery. Ha, 'ere hare the letters.
Enter John Wickens, L. 3 E., with green baize bag. Binny takes bag, takes out letters and reads addresses.
BinnyHah! bill, of course, Miss Augusta, Mrs. Mountchessington, Lord Dundreary, Capt. De Boots, Miss Georgina Mountchessington, Lieut. Vernon, ah! that's from the admiralty. What's this? Miss Florence Trenchard, via Brattleboro', Vermont.
BudWhere's that, Mr. Binny.
JohnWhy that be hin the United States of North Hamerica, and a main good place for poor folks.
BinnyJohn Wickens, you forget yourself.
JohnBeg pardon, Mr. Binny.
BinnyJohn Wickens, leave the room.
JohnBut I know where Vermont be tho'.
BinnyJohn Wickens, get hout. [Exit John, L. 3 E.]
BudDreadful low fellow, that.
BinnyHalways himpudent.
Bud[Looking at letter in Binny's hand.] Why, that is Sir Edward's hand, Mr. Binny, he must have been sporting.
BinnyYes, shooting the wild helephants and buffalos what abound there.
BudThe nasty beasts. [Looking off, R. 2 E.] Hello, there comes Miss Florence tearing across the lane like a three year old colt.
Sharp&SkilOh, Gemini. [Run off, R. 2 E. Bud. runs off, L. 2 E.]
Enter Florence, R. 2 E.
Flo[As if after running.] Oh! I'm fairly out of breath. Good morning, Binny, the letter bag I saw coming, Wickens coming with it. I thought I could catch him before I reached the house. [Sits R.] So off I started, I forgot the pond, it was in or over. I got over, but my hat got in. I wish you'd fish it out for me, you won't find the pond very deep.
BinnyMe fish for an at? Does she take me for an hangler?
Flo. Give me the letters. [Takes them.] Ah, blessed budget that descends upon Trenchard Manor, like rain on a duck pond. Tell papa and all, that the letters have come, you will find them on the terrace.
BinnyYes, Miss. [Going, L. 3 E.]
FloAnd then go fish out my hat out of the pond, it's not very deep Binny [Aside.] Me fish for 'ats? I wonder if she takes me for an hangler? [Exit disgusted, R. 3 E.]
Flo[Reading directions.] Lieut. Vernon. [This is a large letter with a large white envelope, red seal.] In her Majesty's service. Admiralty, R. N. Ah, that's an answer to Harry's application for a ship. Papa promised to use his influence for him. I hope he has succeeded, but then he will have to leave us, and who knows if he ever comes back. What a foolish girl I am, when I know that his rise in the service will depend upon it. I do hope he'll get it, and, if he must leave us, I'll bid him good bye as a lass who loves a sailor should.
Enter Sir Edward, Mrs. M., Augusta, Capt. De Boots, Vernon, L. 3 E.
FloPapa, dear, here are letters for you, one for you, Mrs. Mountchessington, one for you, Capt. De Boots, and one for you, Harry. [Hiding letter behind her.]
VerAh, one for me, Florence?
FloNow what will you give me for one?
VerAh, then you have one?
FloYes, there, Harry. [Gives it.]
VerAh, for a ship. [Opens and reads.]
FloAh! Mon ami, you are to leave us. Good news, or bad?
VerNo ship yet, this promises another year of land lubbery. [Goes up.]
Flo. I'm so sorry. [Aside.] I'm so glad he's not going away. But where's Dundreary. Has anybody seen Dundreary?
Enter Dundreary.
DunGood morning, Miss Florence.
Flo[Comes down, L.] Good morning, my Lord Dundreary. Who do you think has been here? What does the postman bring?
DunWell, sometimes he brings a bag with a lock on it, sometimes newspapers, and sometimes letters, I suppothe.
FloThere. [Gives letter. Dundreary opens letter and Florence goes up R. Dun. knocks knees against chair, turns round knocks shins, and at last is seated extreme, R.]
DunThank you. [Reads letter.]
De B[Reading paper.] By Jove, old Soloman has made a crop of it.
DunA—what of it?
De BI beg pardon, an event I am deeply interested in, that's all. I beg pardon.
AugAh! Florence, dear, there's a letter of yours got among mine. [Gives it.]
FloWhy papa, it's from dear brother Ned.
Sir EFrom my boy! Where is he? How is he? Read it.
FloHe writes from Brattleboro' Vt. [Reading written letter.] "Quite well, just come in from a shooting excursion, with a party of Crows, splendid fellows, six feet high."
DunBirds six feet high, what tremendous animals they must be.
FloOh, I see what my brother means; a tribe of indians called Crows, not birds.
DunOh, I thought you meant those creatures with wigs on them.
FloWigs!
DunI mean those things that move, breathe and walk, they look like animals with those things. [Moving his arms like wings.]
FloWings.
DunBirds with wings, that's the idea.
Flo[Reading written letter.] "Bye-the-bye, I have lately come quite hap-hazard upon the other branch of our family, which emigrated to America at the Restoration. They are now thriving in this State, and discovering our relationship, they received me most hospitably. I have cleared up the mysterious death of old Mark Trenchard."
Sir EOf my uncle!
Flo[Reading written letter.] "It appears that when he quarreled with his daughter on her marriage with poor Meredith, he came here in search of this stray shoot of the family tree, found them and died in their house, leaving Asa, one of the sons, heir to his personal property in England, which ought to belong to poor Mary Meredith. Asa is about to sail for the old country, to take possession. I gave him directions to find you out, and he should arrive almost as soon as this letter. Receive him kindly for the sake of the kindness he has shown to me, and let him see some of our shooting." Your affectionate brother, NED.
Sir EAn American branch of the family.
Mrs MOh, how interesting!
Aug[Enthusiastically.] How delightfully romantic! I can imagine the wild young hunter. An Apollo of the prairie.
FloAn Apollo of the prairie; yes, with a strong nasal twang, and a decided taste for tobacco and cobblers.
Sir EFlorence, you forget that he is a Trenchard, and no true Trenchard would have a liking for cobblers or low people of that kind.
FloI hate him, whatever he is, coming here to rob poor cousin Mary of her grandmother's guineas.
Sir EFlorence, how often must I request you not to speak of Mary Meredith as your cousin?
FloWhy, she is my cousin, is she not? Besides she presides over her milk pail like a duchess playing dairymaid. [Sir E. goes up.] Ah! Papa won't hear me speak of my poor cousin, and then I'm so fond of syllabubs. Dundreary, do you know what syllabubs are?
DunOh, yeth, I know what syllabubs is—yeth—yeth.
FloWhy, I don't believe you do know what they are.
DunNot know what syllabubs are? That's a good idea. Why they are—syllabubs are—they are only babies, idiotic children; that's a good idea, that's good. [Bumps head against Florence.]
FloNo, it's not a bit like the idea. What you mean are called cherubims.
DunWhat, those things that look like oranges, with wings on them?
FloNot a bit like it. Well, after luncheon you must go with me and I'll introduce you to my cousin Mary and syllabubs.
DunI never saw Mr. Syllabubs, I am sure.
FloWell, now, don't forget.
DunI never can forget—when I can recollect.
FloThen recollect that you have an appointment with me after luncheon.
DunYeth, yeth.
FloWell, what have you after luncheon?
DunWell, sometimes I have a glass of brandy with an egg in it, sometimes a run 'round the duck-pond, sometimes a game of checkers—that's for exercise, and perhaps a game of billiards.
FloNo, no; you have with me after luncheon, an ap—an ap—
DunAn ap— an ap—
FloAn ap—an appoint—appointment.
DunAn ointment, that's the idea. [Knocks against De Boots as they go up stage.]
Mrs M[Aside.] That artful girl has designs upon Lord Dundreary. Augusta, dear, go and see how your poor, dear sister is this morning.
AugYes, mamma. [Exit, L. 1 E.]
Mrs MShe is a great sufferer, my dear.
DunYeth, but a lonely one.
FloWhat sort of a night had she?
Mrs MOh, a very refreshing one, thanks to the draught you were kind enough to prescribe for her, Lord Dundreary.
FloWhat! Has Lord Dundreary been prescribing for Georgina?
DunYeth. You see I gave her a draught that cured the effect of the draught, and that draught was a draft that didn't pay the doctor's bill. Didn't that draught—
FloGood gracious! what a number of draughts. You have almost a game of draughts.
DunHa! ha! ha!
FloWhat's the matter?
DunThat wath a joke, that wath.
FloWhere's the joke? [Dundreary screams and turns to Mrs. M.]
Mrs MNo.
DunShe don't see it. Don't you see—a game of drafts—pieces of wound wood on square pieces of leather. That's the idea. Now, I want to put your brains to the test. I want to ask you a whime.
FloA whime, what's that?
DunA whime is a widdle, you know.
FloA widdle!
DunYeth; one of those things, like—why is so and so or somebody like somebody else.
FloOh, I see, you mean a conundrum.
DunYeth, a drum, that's the idea. What is it gives a cold in the head, cures a cold, pays the doctor's bill and makes the home-guard look for substitutes? [Florence repeats it.] Yeth, do you give it up?
FloYes.
DunWell, I'll tell you—a draught. Now I've got a better one that that: When is a dog's tail not a dog's tail? [Florence repeats. During this Florence, Mrs. M. and Dundreary are down stage.]
FloYes, and willingly.
DunWhen it's a cart. [They look at him enquiringly.]
FloWhy, what in earth has a dog's tail to do with a cart?
DunWhen it moves about, you know. A horse makes a cart move, so does a dog make his tail move.
FloOh, I see what you mean—when it's a wagon. [Wags the letter in her hand.]
DunWell, a wagon and a cart are the same thing, ain't they! That's the idea—it's the same thing.
FloThey are not the same. In the case of your conundrum there's a very great difference.
DunNow I've got another. Why does a dog waggle his tail?
FloUpon my word, I never inquired.
DunBecause the tail can't waggle the dog. Ha! Ha!
FloHa! ha! Is that your own, Dundreary?
DunNow I've got one, and this one is original.
FloNo, no, don't spoil the last one.
DunYeth; but this is extremely interesting.
Mrs MDo you think so, Lord Dundreary?
DunYeth. Miss Georgina likes me to tell her my jokes. Bye-the-bye, talking of that lonely sufferer, isn't she an interesting invalid? They do say that's what's the matter with me. I'm an interesting invalid.
FloOh, that accounts for what I have heard so many young ladies say—Florence, dear, don't you think Lord Dundreary's extremely interesting? I never knew what they meant before.
DunYeth, the doctor recommends me to drink donkey's milk.
Flo[Hiding laugh.] Oh, what a clever man he must be. He knows we generally thrive best on our native food. [Goes up.]
Dun[Looking first at Florence and then at Mrs M.] I'm so weak, and that is so strong. Yes, I'm naturally very weak, and I want strengthening. Yes, I guess I'll try it.
Enter Augusta. Bus. with Dundreary, who finally exits and brings on Georgina, L. 1 E.
DunLook at this lonely sufferer. [Bringing on Georgina, seats her on sofa, L.] There, repothe yourself.
Geo[Fanning herself] Thank you, my lord. Everybody is kind to me, and I am so delicate.
Aug[At table.] Capt. De Boots, do help to unravel these wools for me, you have such an eye for color.
FloAn eye for color! Yes, especially green.
Dun[Screams.] Ha! ha! ha!
All What's the matter?
DunWhy, that wath a joke, that wath.
FloWhere was the joke?
DunEspecially, ha! ha!
Sir EFlorence, dear, I must leave you to represent me to my guests. These letters will give me a great deal of business to-day.
FloWell, papa, remember I am your little clerk and person of all work.
Sir ENo, no; this is private business—money matters, my love, which women know nothing about. [Aside.] Luckily for them, I expect Mr. Coyle to-day.
FloDear papa, how I wish you would get another agent.
Sir ENonsense, Florence, impossible. He knows my affairs. His father was agent for the late Baronet. He's one of the family, almost.
FloPapa, I have implicit faith in my own judgement of faces. Depend upon it, that man is not to be trusted.
Sir EFlorence, you are ridiculous. I could not get on a week without him. [Aside.] Curse him, I wish I could! Coyle is a most intelligent agent, and a most faithful servant of the family.
Enter Binny, L. 3 E.
BinnyMr. Coyle and hagent with papers.
Sir EShow him into the library. I will be with him presently. [Exit Binny.]
FloRemember the archery meeting, papa. It is at three.
Sir EYes, yes, I'll remember. [Aside.] Pretty time for such levity when ruin stares me in the face. Florence, I leave you as my representative. [Aside.] Now to prepare myself to meet my Shylock. [Exit, R. 1 E.]
FloWhy will papa not trust me? [Vernon comes down, R.] Oh, Harry! I wish he would find out what a lot of pluck and common sense there is in this feather head of mine.
DunMiss Florence, will you be kind enough to tell Miss Georgina all about that American relative of yours.
FloOh, about my American cousin; certainly. [Aside to Harry.] Let's have some fun. Well, he's about 17 feet high!
DunGood gracious! 17 feet high!
FloThey are all 17 feet high in America, ain't they, Mr. Vernon?
VerYes, that's about the average height.
FloAnd they have long black hair that reaches down to their heels; they have dark copper-colored skin, and they fight with—What do they fight with, Mr. Vernon?
VerTomahawks and scalping knives.
FloYes; and you'd better take care, Miss Georgina, or he'll take his tomahawk and scalping knife and scalp you immediately. [Georgina screams and faints.]
DunHere, somebody get something and throw over her; a pail of water; no, not that, she's pale enough already. [Fans her with handkerchief.] Georgina, don't be afraid. Dundreary's by your side, he will protect you.
FloDon't be frightened, Georgina. He will never harm you while Dundreary is about. Why, he could get three scalps here. [Pulls Dundreary's whiskers. Georgina screams.]
DunDon't scream, I won't lose my whiskers. I know what I'll do for my own safety. I will take this handkerchief and tie the roof of my head on. [Ties it on.]
Flo[Pretending to cry.] Good bye, Dundreary. I'll never see you again in all your glory.
DunDon't cry, Miss Florence, I'm ready for Mr. Tommy Hawk.
Enter Binny.
BinnyIf you please, Miss, 'ere's a gent what says he's hexpected.
FloWhat's his name? Where's his card?
BinnyHe didn't tell me his name, Miss, and when I haxed him for his card 'e said 'e had a whole pack in his valise, and if I 'ad a mine 'e'd play me a game of seven hup. He says he has come to stay, and he certainly looks as if he didn't mean to go.
FloThat's him. Show him in, Mr. Binny. [Exit Binny, L. 3 E.] That's my American cousin, I know.
Aug[Romantically.] Your American cousin. Oh, how delightfully romantic, isn't it, Capt. De Boots? [Comes down.] I can imagine the wild young hunter, with the free step and majestic mien of the hunter of the forest.
Asa [Outside, L. 3 E.] Consarn your picture, didn't I tell you I was expected? You are as obstinate as Deacon Stumps' forelock, that wouldn't lie down and couldn't stand up. Would't pint forward and couldn't go backward.
Enter Asa, L. 3 E., carrying a valise.
AsaWhere's the Squire?
FloDo you mean Sir Edward Trenchard, sir?
AsaYes.
FloHe is not present, but I am his daughter.
AsaWell, I guess that'll fit about as well if you tell this darned old shoat to take me to my room.
FloWhat does he mean by shoat?
Binny[Taking valise.] He means me, mum; but what he wants—
AsaHurry up, old hoss!
BinnyHe calls me a 'oss, Miss, I suppose I shall be a hox next, or perhaps an 'ogg.
AsaWal, darn me if you ain't the consarnedest old shoat I ever did see since I was baptized Asa Trenchard.
FloAh! then it is our American cousin. Glad to see you—my brother told us to expect you.
AsaWal, yes, I guess you do b'long to my family. I'm Asa Trenchard, born in Vermont, suckled on the banks of Muddy Creek, about the tallest gunner, the slickest dancer, and generally the loudest critter in the state. You're my cousin, be you? Wal, I ain't got no objections to kiss you, as one cousin ought to kiss another.
VerSir, how dare you?
AsaAre you one of the family? Cause if you ain't, you've got no right to interfere, and if you be, you needn't be alarmed, I ain't going to kiss you. Here's your young man's letter. [Gives letter and attempts to kiss her.]
FloIn the old country, Mr. Trenchard, cousins content themselves with hands, but our hearts are with them. You are welcome, there is mine. [Gives her hand, which he shakes heartily.]
AsaThat'll do about as well. I won't kiss you if you don't want me to; but if you did, I wouldn't stop on account of that sailor man. [Business of Vernon threatening Asa.] Oh! now you needn't get your back up. What an all-fired chap you are. Now if you'll have me shown to my room, I should like to fix up a bit and put on a clean buzzom. [All start.] Why, what on earth is the matter with you all? I only spoke because you're so all-fired go-to-meeting like.
FloShow Mr. Trenchard to the red room, Mr. Binny, that is if you are done with it, Mr. Dundreary.
DunYeth, Miss Florence. The room and I have got through with each other, yeth.
[Asa and Dundreary see each other for the first time. Business of recognition, ad. lib.]
AsaConcentrated essence of baboons, what on earth is that?
DunHe's mad. Yes, Miss Florence, I've done with that room. The rooks crowed so that they racked my brain.
AsaYou don't mean to say that you've got any brains.
DunNo, sir, such a thing never entered my head. The wed indians want to scalp me. [Holding hands to his head.]
FloThe red room, then, Mr. Binny.
Asa[To Binny.] Hold on! [Examines him.] Wal, darn me, but you keep your help in all-fired good order here. [Feels of him.] This old shoat is fat enough to kill. [Hits Binny in stomach. Binny runs off, L. 2 E.] Mind how you go up stairs, old hoss, or you'll bust your biler. [Exit, L. 3 E.]
DunNow he thinks Binny's an engine and has got a boiler.
FloOh, what fun!
Mrs MOld Mark Trenchard died very rich, did he not, Florence?
FloVery rich, I believe.
AugHe's not at all romantic, is he, mamma?
Mrs M[Aside to her] My dear, I have no doubt he has solid good qualities, and I don't want you to laugh at him like Florence Trenchard.
AugNo, mamma, I won't.
FloBut what are we to do with him?
DunHa! Ha! ha!
AllWhat is the matter?
DunI've got an idea.
FloOh! let's hear Dundreary's idea.
DunIt's so seldom I get an idea that when I do get one it startles me. Let us get a pickle bottle.
FloPickle bottle! [All come down.]
DunYeth; one of those things with glass sides.
Enter Asa, L. 2 E.
FloOh! you mean a glass case.
DunYeth, a glass case, that's the idea, and let us put this Mr. Thomas Hawk in it, and have him on exhibition. That's the idea.
Asa[Down L. of Florence, overhearing.] Oh! that's your idea, is it? Wal, stranger, I don't know what they're going to do with me, but wherever they do put me, I hope it will be out of the reach of a jackass. I'm a real hoss, I am, and I get kinder riley with those critters.
DunNow he thinks he's a horse. I've heard of a great jackass, and I dreampt of a jackass, but I don't believe there is any such insect.
FloWell, cousin, I hope you made yourself comfortable.
AsaWell, no, I can't say as I did. You see there was so many all-fired fixins in my room I couldn't find anything I wanted.
FloWhat was it you couldn't find in your room?
AsaThere as no soft soap.
De BSoft soap!
AugSoft soap!
VerSoft soap!
Mrs MSoft soap!
FloSoft soap!
Geo[On sofa.] Soft soap!
DunThoft thoap?
AsaYes, soft soap. I reckon you know what that is. However, I struck a pump in the kitchen, slicked my hair down a little, gave my boots a lick of grease, and now I feel quite handsome; but I'm everlastingly dry.
FloYou'll find ale, wine and luncheon on the side-table.
AsaWal, I don't know as I've got any appetite. You see comin' along on the cars I worried down half a dozen ham sandwiches, eight or ten boiled eggs, two or three pumpkin pies and a string of cold sausages—and—Wal, I guess I can hold on till dinner-time.
DunDid that illustrious exile eat all that? I wonder where he put it?
AsaI'm as dry as a sap-tree in August.
Binny[Throwing open, E. D.] Luncheon!
Asa[Goes hastily up to table.] Wal, I don't want to speak out too plain, but this is an awful mean set out for a big house like this.
FloWhy, what's wrong, sir?
AsaWhy, there's no mush!
DunNo mush?
AsaNary slapjack.
DunWhy, does he want Mary to slap Jack?
AsaNo pork and beans!
DunPork's been here, but he's left.
AsaAnd where on airth's the clam chowder?
DunWhereisclam chowder? He's never here when he's wanted.
Asa[Drinks and spits.] Here's your health, old hoss. Do you call that a drink? See here, cousin, you seem to be the liveliest critter here, so just hurry up the fixins, and I'll show this benighted aristocratic society what real liquor is. So hurry up the fixins.
AllFixins?
FloWhat do you mean by fixins?
AsaWhy, brandy, rum, gin and whiskey. We'll make them all useful.
FloOh, I'll hurry up the fixins. What fun! [Exit, R.]
DunOh! I thought he meant the gas fixins.
AsaSay, you, you Mr. Puffy, you run out and get me a bunch of mint and a bundle of straws; hurry up, old hoss. [Exit Binny, L. 3 E., indignantly.] Say, Mr. Sailor man, just help me down with this table. Oh! don't you get riley, you and I ran against each other when I came in, but we'll be friends yet. [Vernon helps him with table to C.]
Enter Florence, followed by servants in livery; they carry a case of decanters and water, on which are seven or eight glasses, two or three tin mixers and a bowl of sugar. Binny enters with a bunch of mint and a few straws.
FloHere, cousin, are the fixins.
AsaThat's yer sort. Now then, I'll give you all a drink that'll make you squeal. [To Binny] Here, Puffy, just shake that up, faster. I'll give that sick gal a drink that'll make her squirm like an eel on a mud bank.
Dun[Screams.] What a horrible idea. [Runs about stage.]
FloOh, don't mind him! That's only an American joke.
DunA joke! Do you call that a joke? To make a sick girl squirm like a mud bank on an eel's skin?
AsaYes, I'll give you a drink that'll make your whiskers return under your chin, which is their natural location. Now, ladies and gentlemen, what'll you have, Whiskey Skin, Brandy Smash, Sherry Cobbler, Mint Julep or Jersey Lightning?
AugOh, I want a Mint Julep.
De BGive me a Gin Cocktail.
FloI'll take a Sherry Cobbler.
VerBrandy Smash for me.
Mrs MGive me a Whiskey Skin.
GeoI'll take a Lemonade.
DunGive me a Jersey Lightning.
AsaGive him a Jersey Lightning. [As Dundreary drinks] Warranted to kill at forty rods. [Dundreary falls back on Mrs. M. and Georgina.]
Closed In.
Scene 2—Library in Trenchard Manor. Oriel Window, L. C., with curtains. Two chairs and table brought on at change.
Enter Binny and Coyle, L. 1 E.
BinnySir Hedward will see you directly, Mr. Coyle.
CoyleVery well. House full of company, I see, Mr. Binny.
BinnyCram full, Mr. Coyle. As one of the first families in the country we must keep up our position.
Coyle[Rubbing his hands.] Certainly, certainly, that is as long as we can, Mr. Binny. Tell Murcott, my clerk, to bring my papers in here. You'll find him in the servant's hall, and see that you keep your strong ale out of his way. People who serve me must have their senses about them.
Binny[Aside.] I should say so, or 'e'd 'ave hevery tooth hout in their 'eds, the wiper. [Exit, L. 1 E.]
CoyleAnd now to show this pompous baronet the precipice on which he stands.
Enter Murcott, with green bag and papers.
CoyleAre you sober, sirrah?
MurcottYes, Mr. Coyle.
CoyleThen see you keep so.
MurI'll do my best, sir. But, oh! do tell them to keep liquor out of my way. I can't keep from it now, try as I will, and I try hard enough, God help me!
CoylePshaw! Get out those mortgages and the letters from my London agent. [Murcott takes papers from bag and places then on table. Coyle looks off, R. 1 E.] So; here comes Sir Edward. Go, but be within call. I may want you to witness a signature.
MurI will sir. [Aside.] I must have brandy, or my hand will not be steady enough to write. [Exit, L. 1 E.]
Enter Sir Edward, R. 1 E. Coyle bows.
Sir EGood morning, Coyle, good morning. [With affected ease.] There is a chair, Coyle. [They sit.] So you see those infernal tradespeople are pretty troublesome.
CoyleMy agent's letter this morning announces that Walter and Brass have got judgement and execution on their amount for repairing your town house last season. [Refers to papers.] Boquet and Barker announce their intention of taking this same course with the wine account. Handmarth is preparing for a settlement of his heavy demand for the stables. Then there is Temper for pictures and other things and Miss Florence Trenchard's account with Madame Pompon, and—
Sir EConfound it, why harass me with details, these infernal particulars? Have you made out the total?
CoyleFour thousand, eight hundred and thirty pounds, nine shillings and sixpence.
Sir EWell, of course we must find means of settling this extortion.
CoyleYes, Sir Edward, if possible.
Sir EIf possible?
CoyleI, as your agent, must stoop to detail, you must allow me to repeat, if possible.
Sir EWhy, you don't say there will be any difficulty in raising the money?
CoyleWhat means would you suggest, Sir Edward.
Sir EThat, sir, is your business.
CoyleA foretaste in the interest on the Fanhille & Ellenthrope mortgages, you are aware both are in the arrears, the mortgagees in fact, write here to announce their intentions to foreclose. [Shows papers.]
Sir ECurse your impudence, pay them off.
CoyleHow, Sir Edward?
Sir EConfound it, sir, which of us is the agent? Am I to find you brains for your own business?
CoyleNo, Sir Edward, I can furnish the brains, but what I ask of you is to furnish the money.
Sir EThere must be money somewhere, I came into possession of one of the finest properties in Hampshire only twenty-six years ago, and now you mean to tell me I cannot raise 4,000 pounds?
CoyleThe fact is distressing, Sir Edward, but so it is.
Sir EThere's the Ravensdale property unencumbered.
CoyleThere, Sir Edward, you are under a mistake. The Ravensdale property is deeply encumbered, to nearly its full value.
Sir E[Springing up.] Good heavens.
CoyleI have found among my father's papers a mortgage of that very property to him.
Sir ETo your father! My father's agent?
CoyleYes, bearing date the year after the great contested election for the county, on which the late Sir Edward patriotically spent sixty thousand pounds for the honor of not being returned to Parliament.
Sir EA mortgage on the Ravensdale estate. But it must have been paid off, Mr. Coyle, [anxiously,] have you looked for the release or the receipt?
CoyleNeither exists. My father's sudden death explains sufficiently. I was left in ignorance of the transaction, but the seals on the deed and the stamps are intact, here it is, sir. [Shows it.]
Sir ESir, do you know that if this be true I am something like a beggar, and your father something like a thief.
CoyleI see the first plainly, Sir Edward, but not the second.
Sir EDo you forget sir, that your father was a charity boy, fed, clothed by my father?
CoyleWell, Sir Edward?
Sir EAnd do you mean to tell me, sir, that your father repaid that kindness by robbing his benefactor?
CoyleCertainly not, but by advancing money to that benefactor when he wanted it, and by taking the security of one of his benefactor's estates, as any prudent man would under the circumstances.
Sir EWhy, then, sir, the benefactor's property is yours.
CoylePardon me, the legal estate you have your equity of redemption. You have only to pay the money and the estate is yours as before.
Sir EHow dare you, sir, when you have just shown me that I cannot raise five hundred pounds in the world. Oh! Florence, why did I not listen to you when you warned me against this man?
Coyle[Aside.] Oh! she warned you, did she? [Aloud.] I see one means, at least, of keeping the Ravensdale estate in the family.
Sir EWhat is it?
CoyleBy marrying your daughter to the mortgagee.
Sir ETo you?
CoyleI am prepared to settle the estate on Miss Trenchard the day she becomes Mrs. Richard Coyle.
Sir E[Springing up.] You insolent scoundrel, how dare you insult me in my own house, sir. Leave it, sir, or I will have you kicked out by my servants.
CoyleI never take an angry man at his word, Sir Edward. Give a few moments reflection to my offer, you can have me kicked out afterwards.
Sir E[ Pacing stage.] A beggar, Sir Edward Trenchard a beggar, see my children reduced to labor for their bread, to misery perhaps; but the alternative, Florence detests him, still the match would save her, at least, from ruin. He might take the family name, I might retrench, retire, to the continent for a few years. Florence's health might serve as a pretence. Repugnant as the alternative is, yet it deserves consideration.
Coyle[Who has watched.] Now, Sir Edward, shall I ring for the servants to kick me out?
Sir ENay Mr. Coyle, you must pardon my outburst, you know I am hasty, and——
Flo[Without.] Papa, dear! [Enters gaily, starts on seeing Coyle.] Papa, pardon my breaking in on business, but our American cousin has come, such an original—and we are only waiting for you to escort us to the field.
Sir EI will come directly, my love. Mr. Coyle, my dear, you did not see him.
Flo[Disdainfully.] Oh! yes, I saw him, papa.
Sir ENay, Florence, your hand to Mr. Coyle. [Aside.] I insist.
FloPapa. [Frightened at his look, gives her hand. Coyle attempts to kiss it, she snatches it away and crosses to L.]
Sir E[Crosses to L.] Come, Florence. Mr. Coyle, we will join you in the park. Come, my love, take my arm. [Hurries her off, L. 1 E.]
CoyleShallow, selfish fool. She warned you of me did she? And you did not heed her; you shall both pay dearly. She, for her suspicions, and you that you did not share them. [Walks up and down.] How lucky the seals were not cut from that mortgage, when the release was given. 'Tis like the silly security of the Trenchard's. This mortgage makes Ravensdale mine, while the release that restores it to its owner lies in the recess of the bureau, whose secret my father revealed to me on his death bed. [Enter Murcott, L. 1 E.] Write to the mortgagee of the Fanhill and Ellenthrope estates, to foreclose before the week is out, and tell Walters and Brass to put in execution to-day. We'll prick this wind-bag of a Baronet. Abel, we have both a bone to pick with him and his daughter. [Murcott starts.] Why, what's the matter?
MurNothing, the dizziness I've had lately.
CoyleBrandy in the evening, brandy in the morning, brandy all night. What a fool you are, Murcott.
MurWho knows that as well as I do?
CoyleIf you would but keep the money out of your mouth, there's the making of a man in you yet.
MurNo, no, it's gone too far, it's gone too far, thanks to the man who owns this house, you know all about it. How he found me a thriving, sober lad, flogging the village children through their spelling book. How he took a fancy to me as he called it, and employed me here to teach his son and Miss Florence. [His voice falters.] Then remember how I forgot who and what I was, and was cuffed out of the house like a dog. How I lost my school, my good name, but still hung about the place, they all looked askance at me, you don't know how that kills the heart of a man, then I took to drink and sank down, down, till I came to this.
CoyleYou owe Sir Edward revenge, do you not? You shall have a rare revenge on him, that mortgage you found last week puts the remainder of the property in my reach, and I close my hand on it unless he will consent to my terms.
MurYou can drive a hard bargain. I know.
CoyleAnd a rare price I ask for his forbearance, Abel—his daughter's hand.
MurFlorence?
CoyleYes, Florence marries Richard Coyle. Richard Coyle steps into Sir Edward's estates. There, you dog, will not that be a rare revenge. So follow me with those papers. [Crosses to L.] And now to lay the mine that will topple over the pride of the Trenchards. [Exit L. 1 E.]
MurHe marry Florence! Florence Trenchard! My Florence. Mine! Florencehis wife. No, no, better a thousand times she had been mine, low as I am, when I dreampt that dream, but it shan't be, it shan't be. [Tremblingly putting papers in bag.] If I can help her, sot though I am. Yes, I can help her, if the shock don't break me down. Oh! my poor muddled brain, surely there was a release with it when I found it. I must see Florence to warn her and expose Coyle's villainy. Oh! how my poor head throbs when I try to. I shall die if I don't have a drop of brandy, yes brandy. [Exit, L. 1 E.]
Scene 3—Chamber in 3. at Trenchard Manor. Large shower bath near R. 3 E. Toilet table with draw, L. 2 E. Small bottle in draw with red sealing wax on cork. Asa discovered seated, R. with foot on table, smoking a cigar. Valise on floor in front of him. Binny discovered standing by his side.
AsaWal, I guess I begin to feel kinder comfortable here in this place, if it wan't for this tarnal fat critter. He don't seem to have any work to do, but swells out his big bosom like an old turkey-cock in laying time. I do wonder what he's here for? Do they think I mean to absquatulate with the spoons? [Binny attempts to take valise—Asa puts his foot on it.] Let that sweat. That's my plunder.
BinnyWill you have the kindness to give me your keys, hif you please, sir?
AsaWhat do you want with my keys?
BinTo put your things away in the wardrobe, sir.
AsaWal, I calculate if my two shirts, three bosoms, four collars, and two pair of socks were to get into that everlasting big bunk, they'd think themselves so all-fired small I should never be able to crawl into them again.
BinWill you take a baath before you dress?
AsaTake a baath?
BinA baath.
AsaI suppose you mean a bath. Wal, man, I calkalate I ain't going to expose myself to the shakes by getting into cold water in this cruel cold climate of yours, so make tracks.
BinMake what?
AsaVamose!
BinMake vamose!
AsaAbsquatulate.
BinAb— what sir?
AsaSkedaddle.
BinSkedaddle?
AsaOh! get out.
BinOh! [Going.] If you are going to dress you'll want some hassistance.
AsaAssistance! what to get out of my unmentionables and into them again? Wal, 'spose I do, what then?
BinJust ring the bell, hi'll hattend you.
AsaAll right, come along. [Binny going.] Hold on, say, I may want to yawn presently and I shall want somebody to shut my mouth. [Binny hurries off, L. 1 E.] Wal, now I am alone, I can look about me and indulge the enquiring spirit of an American citizen. What an everlasting lot of things and fixins there is to be sure. [Opens table draw.] Here's a place will hold my plunder beautifully. [Sees bottle.] Hallo, what's this? [Comes down.] Something good to drink. [Smells bottle.] It smells awful bad. [Reads label.] Golden Fluid, one application turns the hair a beautiful brown, several applications will turn the hair a lustrous black. Well, if they keep on it may turn a pea green. I reckon this has been left here by some fellow who is ashamed of the natural color of his top knot. [Knock.] Come in.
Enter Binny, L. 1 E.
BinMr. Buddicombe, sir, my lord's hown man.
AsaRoll him in. [Binny beckons, enter Buddicombe.] Turkey cock number two, what is it?
BudMy Lord Dundreary's compliments andhaveyou seen a smallbottlein the toilet table drawer?
AsaSuppose I had, what then?
BudMy lord wants it particly.
AsaWas it a small bottle?
BudA small bottle.
BinBottle small.
AsaBlue label?
BinLabel blue.
AsaRed sealing wax on the top?
BudRed sealing wax.
BinWax red.
AsaNice little bottle?
BinLittle bottle nice.
AsaWal, I ain't seen it. [Aside.] If my lord sets a valley on it, guess it must be worth something.
BudSorry to trouble you, sir.
Bin[ Aside toBud.] What his hit?
BudMy lord's hair dye, the last bottle, and he turns red tomorrow. [Exit in haste.]
BinOrrable, what an hawful situation, to be sure.
Asa[Aside.] So I've got my ring on that lord's nose, and if I don't make him dance to my tune it's a pity.
BinMiss Florence begged me to say she had borrowed a costume for you, for the harchery meeting, sir.
AsaHain't you dropped something?
BinWhere?
AsaWhat do you mean by the harchery meeting?
BinWhere they shoot with bows and harrows.
AsaThere goes another of them, oh! you need'nt look for them, you can't find 'em when you want 'em. Now you just take my compliments to Miss Trenchard when I goes out shooting with injurious weapons I always wears my own genuine shooting costume. That's the natural buff tipped off with a little red paint.
BinGood gracious, he'd look like Hadam and Heve, in the garden of Eden. [Exit Binny.]
AsaWal, there's a queer lot of fixings. [Sees shower bath.] What on airth is that? Looks like a 'skeeter net, only it 'ain't long enough for a feller to lay down in unless he was to coil himself up like a woodchuck in a knot hole. I'd just like to know what the all-fired thing is meant for. [Calls.] Say Puffy, Puffy, Oh! he told me if I wanted him to ring the bell. [Looks round room.] Where on airth is the bell? [Slips partly inside shower bath, pulls rope, water comes down.] Murder! help! fire! Water! I'm drown.
Enter Skillet,Sharpe, R. 1 E. Binny, Buddicombe, L. 1 E., seeing Asa, all laugh, and keep it up till curtain falls.
CURTAIN.