SCENEIV.—Grosvenor-square.EnterTURNSTILE,musing.Turnstile.This will never do! They make use of me, and laugh at me in their sleeves;—push me round and go by. That break downwasa devil of a business! They didn’t laugh out to be sure; but they coughed and looked unutterably!! And where is this to end? What shall I have to show for it? Confounded loss of time;—to hear those fellows prosing, instead of seeing the occultation last night. And that book of Ls.’; so much thatIhad begun upon,—and might have finished! It never will do! (Rousing himself after a pause.) But knowledge, after all,ispower! That at least is certain,—power—to do what? to refuse Lord Doodle’s invitation; and to ask Lord Humbug for a favour, which it is ten to one he will refuse! But the Royal Society is defunct! That Ihaveaccomplished. Gilbert, and the Duke! and the Secretaries! I have driven them all before me!—and, now, thoughImust not be a knight of the Guelphic order, (yet a riband is a pretty looking thing! and{279}a star too!—) I will show that I can teachthemhow to make knights; and describe the decorations that other men are to wear. But here comes Lord Flumm, and I am saved the bore of calling upon him.SCENEV.EnterLORDFLUMM.Lord Flumm.Mr. Turnstile, if I do not mistake! My dear Turnstile: how glad I am to see you again! itwaskind of Sir Phillip to introduce me. You know that you are near our house; and Lady Flumm will be sohappy——Turnstile.In truth, my Lord, I was about to call upon you. After what you were so good as to say last night, I took the first opportunity.Lord Flumm.Well, thatiskind. But you did not speak last night. How came that? I don’t find you in the paper, yet the subject was quite your own. Tallow and bar-iron, raw materials and machinery. Ah, my dear sir! when science condescends to come among us mortals, the effects to be expectedarewonderful indeed!Turnstile.My Lord, you flatter. But we have reached your door. (Aside.) [Confound him!—But I am glad he was not in the house. It’s clear he hasn’t heard of the break down.]Lord Flumm.While I have you to myself, Turnstile, remember that you dine with me on Tuesday. I am to have two friends, LordS——and Sir GeorgeY——,who wish very much to be acquainted with you. Half-past seven.Turnstile.You are very good, my lord. I dare not refuse so kind an invitation.[Exeunt.{280}SCENEVI.—LADYFLUMM’Sdrawing-room.LADYFLUMMat the writing-table.MRS.FUBSEYat work on a sofa.EnterLORDFLUMMandTURNSTILE.Lord Flumm.Lady Flumm, this is Mr. Turnstile, whom you have so long wished to know. Mr. Turnstile,—Lady Flumm.Lady Flumm.TheMr. Turnstile. My dear sir, I am too happy to see you. We had just been speaking of your delightful book. Selina! (Calling.) [EnterLADYSELINA.] This is Mr. Turnstile.Lady Selina.Indeed!Lady Flumm.Yes, indeed! You see he is a mortal man after all. Bring me, my love, the book you will find open on the table in the boudoir. I wish to show Mr. Turnstile the passages I have marked this morning.Lady Selina.(Returning with the book, and running over the leaves.) “Lace made by caterpillars.”—“Steam-engines with fairy fingers.”—“Robe of nature.”—“Sun of science.”—“Faltering worshipper.”—“Altar of truth.” Itis, indeed, delightful! The taste, the poetical imagination, are surprising. I hope, Mr. Turnstile,—indeed I am sure, that you love music?Turnstile.Notveryparticularly, I must acknowledge (smiling); a barrel-organ is the instrument most in my way.Lady Flumm.(Smiling.) Music and machinery, Mr. Turnstile. Polite literature and mathematics. Youdoknow how to combine. Others must judge of the profounder parts of your works; but the style, and the fancy, are what I should most admire.—You dine with Lord Flumm, he tells me, on Tuesday. Now youmustcome tomeon Thursday night.Turnstile.I am sorry to say, that, on recollection, Ioughtto{281}have apologized to Lord Flumm. The Pottery Question stands for Tuesday; and I should be there, as one of the Committee; and Thursday, your Ladyship knows, is the second reading of the Place and Pension Bill.Lady Flumm.Oh, we are Staffordshire people!thatwill excuse you to the pottery folks; and, for Thursday, Iwillabsolutely take no excuse. We have Pasta and Donzelli! perhaps a quadrille afterwards—(you dance, Mr. Turnstile?)—and Lady SophiaC——and her cousin, LordF——,have saidso muchabout those beautiful passages at the end of your book, that they will be quite disappointed if I do not keep my promise to introduce them. (Touching his arm with her finger.)Turnstile.Your Ladyship knows how to conquer: I feel that Icannotrefuse.[Exit.SCENEVII.—Grosvenor-square; beforeLORDFLUMM’Shouse.EnterTURNSTILE,from the house.Turnstile.This is all very delightful; but what will they say at Shoreditch?—twice in one week absent from the House, and at two Tory parties.EnterGRISKIN,hastily, heated; his hat in his left hand; a pocket-handkerchief in his right.Griskin.Mr. Turnstile, I’m glad to find you; just called on you, as I came to this quarter to look after a customer—long way from the City—sorry not to hear from you.Turnstile.Why, really, Mr. Griskin, I am very sorry; but I am not acquainted with the Commander-in-chief. And I must say that I should not know how to press for the{282}contract, knowing that your nephew’s prices are thirty per cent., at least, above the market.Griskin.That’s being rather nice, I should say, Mr. Turnstile. My nephew is as good a lad as ever stood in shoe-leather; and has six good wotes in Shoreditch,—and, as to myself, Mr. Turnstile, I must say that, after all I did at your election—and in such wery hot weather—I did not expect you’d be so wery particular about a small matter.—Sir, I wish you a good morning.Turnstile.(Bowing and looking after him.) So this fellow, like the rest of them, thinks that I am to do his jobs, and to neglect my own. And this is yourreformedParliament.SCENEIX.—The street, nearTURNSTILE’Shouse.EnterTRIPESandSMOOTH,meeting.Smooth.(Taking bothTRIPES’hands). My dear Tripes, how d’ye do?—Pray, how is your good lady?—What a jolly party at your house last night! and Mrs. Tripes, I hope, is none the worse for it?Tripes.Oh dear sir, no! Mrs. Tripes and my daughters weresopleased with your Scotch singing.Smooth.And your boys, how are they?—fine, promising, active fellows.—You’ve heard from MacLeech?Tripes.Just received the note as I left home.Smooth.All is quite right, you see, your cousin has the appointment at the Cape. I knew MacLeech was just the man for the details. A ship, I find, is to sail in about three weeks; and (significantly) I don’t think your cousin need beveryscrupulous about freight and passage.Tripes.You are too good, Mr. Smooth. I’m sure if anything that I can do,—my sense of all yourkindness——{283}Smooth.I was thinking, when I saw those fine lads of yours, that another assistant to my under secretary’s deputy—but (between you and me) Hume thinks that one is more than enough. We must wait a little.TakesTRIPES’arm.[Exeunt.SCENEX.—TURNSTILE’Sparlour, 11½A.M.Breakfast on the table; pamphlets and newspapers. In the corners of the room, books and philosophical instruments, dusty and thrown together; heaps of Parliamentary Reports lying above them.TURNSTILEalone, musing, and looking over some journals.Turnstile.This headache! Impossible to sleep when one goes to bed by daylight. Experiments by Arago! Ah! a paper by Cauchy, on my own subject. But here is this cursed committee in Smithfield to be attended; and it is already past eleven. (Rising).[Knock at the hall door.]Enter Servant.Servant.Mr. Tripes, sir.Turnstile.Show him in. He comes, no doubt, to say that my election is arranged. A good, fat-headed, honest fellow.EnterTRIPES.Well Mr. Tripes, I’m glad to see you. Pray take a chair.Tripes.We hoped to have seen you at the meeting yesterday, sir. Capital speech from Mr. Smooth. You know, of course, that Mr. Highway is a candidate; and Mr. MacLeech is talked of;—very sorry, indeed, you weren’t there.Turnstile.A transit of Venus, Mr. Tripes, is a thing that does not happen every day. Besides, my friend, Stellini{284}from Palermo, is here; and I had promised to go with him to Greenwich.Tripes.Almost a pity, sir, to call off your attention from such objects. But in the City we are men of business, you know,—plain, every-day people.Turnstile.It was unlucky; but I could not help it. The committee, I hope, is by this time at work?Tripes.It was just that, I called about. I wished to tell you myself how very sorry I am that I cannot be your chairman. But—my large family—press of business,—in short,—you must excuse me;—and, if I should be upon Mr. Smooth’s committee, I don’t well see how I can attend to both.Turnstile.Smooth!—but he and I go together, you know,—at least, I understood it so.Tripes.I’m glad to hear it; I feared there might be some mistake. And, if Mr. MacLeech comes forward,—being a fellow-townsman of Mr. Smooth, and a good deal in the Glasgow interest;—a commercial man too, Mr. Turnstile;—apracticalman—Mr. Turnstile;—I am not quite sure that you can count upon Mr. Smooth’s assistance;—and Government, you know, is strong.Turnstile.Assistance, Mr. Tripes,—from Smooth!—why I came in on my own ground;—on theIndependentinterest.—Assistance from Smooth!—Besides,—Smooth knows very well thatoursecond votes secured him.Tripes.Very true, sir; but these Independent people are hard to deal with; and Mr. Highway, I assure you, hit very hard in his speech at the meeting yesterday. He talked of amateur politicians,—attention to the business of the people,—dinners with the opposite party. In short, I fear, they will say,—like the others,—that what they want is something{285}of “apractical man” Mr. Turnstile.—I’m sorry that I must be going.—Sir, your servant.Turnstile.(Rising and ringing.) [Enter servant.] Open the door for Mr. Tripes. [ExitTRIPES.]D——d,double-faced, selfish blockhead!SCENEXI.—The street, as before.EnterTRIPES,fromTURNSTILE’Shouse.Tripes.(Putting on his hat.) He might have been more civil, too;—though he did count upon me for his chairman. But I’ll show him that I’m not to be insulted; and if, MacLeech manages the matter well for Charles, thisMr. Philosopher Turnstile, though he thinks himself so clever, may go to the devil.[Exit.
SCENEIV.—Grosvenor-square.
EnterTURNSTILE,musing.
Turnstile.This will never do! They make use of me, and laugh at me in their sleeves;—push me round and go by. That break downwasa devil of a business! They didn’t laugh out to be sure; but they coughed and looked unutterably!! And where is this to end? What shall I have to show for it? Confounded loss of time;—to hear those fellows prosing, instead of seeing the occultation last night. And that book of Ls.’; so much thatIhad begun upon,—and might have finished! It never will do! (Rousing himself after a pause.) But knowledge, after all,ispower! That at least is certain,—power—to do what? to refuse Lord Doodle’s invitation; and to ask Lord Humbug for a favour, which it is ten to one he will refuse! But the Royal Society is defunct! That Ihaveaccomplished. Gilbert, and the Duke! and the Secretaries! I have driven them all before me!—and, now, thoughImust not be a knight of the Guelphic order, (yet a riband is a pretty looking thing! and{279}a star too!—) I will show that I can teachthemhow to make knights; and describe the decorations that other men are to wear. But here comes Lord Flumm, and I am saved the bore of calling upon him.
SCENEV.EnterLORDFLUMM.Lord Flumm.Mr. Turnstile, if I do not mistake! My dear Turnstile: how glad I am to see you again! itwaskind of Sir Phillip to introduce me. You know that you are near our house; and Lady Flumm will be sohappy——
SCENEV.
EnterLORDFLUMM.
Lord Flumm.Mr. Turnstile, if I do not mistake! My dear Turnstile: how glad I am to see you again! itwaskind of Sir Phillip to introduce me. You know that you are near our house; and Lady Flumm will be sohappy——
Turnstile.In truth, my Lord, I was about to call upon you. After what you were so good as to say last night, I took the first opportunity.
Lord Flumm.Well, thatiskind. But you did not speak last night. How came that? I don’t find you in the paper, yet the subject was quite your own. Tallow and bar-iron, raw materials and machinery. Ah, my dear sir! when science condescends to come among us mortals, the effects to be expectedarewonderful indeed!
Turnstile.My Lord, you flatter. But we have reached your door. (Aside.) [Confound him!—But I am glad he was not in the house. It’s clear he hasn’t heard of the break down.]
Lord Flumm.While I have you to myself, Turnstile, remember that you dine with me on Tuesday. I am to have two friends, LordS——and Sir GeorgeY——,who wish very much to be acquainted with you. Half-past seven.
Turnstile.You are very good, my lord. I dare not refuse so kind an invitation.[Exeunt.
{280}
SCENEVI.—LADYFLUMM’Sdrawing-room.LADYFLUMMat the writing-table.MRS.FUBSEYat work on a sofa.EnterLORDFLUMMandTURNSTILE.Lord Flumm.Lady Flumm, this is Mr. Turnstile, whom you have so long wished to know. Mr. Turnstile,—Lady Flumm.
SCENEVI.—LADYFLUMM’Sdrawing-room.LADYFLUMMat the writing-table.MRS.FUBSEYat work on a sofa.
EnterLORDFLUMMandTURNSTILE.
Lord Flumm.Lady Flumm, this is Mr. Turnstile, whom you have so long wished to know. Mr. Turnstile,—Lady Flumm.
Lady Flumm.TheMr. Turnstile. My dear sir, I am too happy to see you. We had just been speaking of your delightful book. Selina! (Calling.) [EnterLADYSELINA.] This is Mr. Turnstile.
Lady Selina.Indeed!
Lady Flumm.Yes, indeed! You see he is a mortal man after all. Bring me, my love, the book you will find open on the table in the boudoir. I wish to show Mr. Turnstile the passages I have marked this morning.
Lady Selina.(Returning with the book, and running over the leaves.) “Lace made by caterpillars.”—“Steam-engines with fairy fingers.”—“Robe of nature.”—“Sun of science.”—“Faltering worshipper.”—“Altar of truth.” Itis, indeed, delightful! The taste, the poetical imagination, are surprising. I hope, Mr. Turnstile,—indeed I am sure, that you love music?
Turnstile.Notveryparticularly, I must acknowledge (smiling); a barrel-organ is the instrument most in my way.
Lady Flumm.(Smiling.) Music and machinery, Mr. Turnstile. Polite literature and mathematics. Youdoknow how to combine. Others must judge of the profounder parts of your works; but the style, and the fancy, are what I should most admire.—You dine with Lord Flumm, he tells me, on Tuesday. Now youmustcome tomeon Thursday night.
Turnstile.I am sorry to say, that, on recollection, Ioughtto{281}have apologized to Lord Flumm. The Pottery Question stands for Tuesday; and I should be there, as one of the Committee; and Thursday, your Ladyship knows, is the second reading of the Place and Pension Bill.
Lady Flumm.Oh, we are Staffordshire people!thatwill excuse you to the pottery folks; and, for Thursday, Iwillabsolutely take no excuse. We have Pasta and Donzelli! perhaps a quadrille afterwards—(you dance, Mr. Turnstile?)—and Lady SophiaC——and her cousin, LordF——,have saidso muchabout those beautiful passages at the end of your book, that they will be quite disappointed if I do not keep my promise to introduce them. (Touching his arm with her finger.)
Turnstile.Your Ladyship knows how to conquer: I feel that Icannotrefuse.[Exit.
SCENEVII.—Grosvenor-square; beforeLORDFLUMM’Shouse.EnterTURNSTILE,from the house.Turnstile.This is all very delightful; but what will they say at Shoreditch?—twice in one week absent from the House, and at two Tory parties.
SCENEVII.—Grosvenor-square; beforeLORDFLUMM’Shouse.
EnterTURNSTILE,from the house.
Turnstile.This is all very delightful; but what will they say at Shoreditch?—twice in one week absent from the House, and at two Tory parties.
EnterGRISKIN,hastily, heated; his hat in his left hand; a pocket-handkerchief in his right.
Griskin.Mr. Turnstile, I’m glad to find you; just called on you, as I came to this quarter to look after a customer—long way from the City—sorry not to hear from you.
Turnstile.Why, really, Mr. Griskin, I am very sorry; but I am not acquainted with the Commander-in-chief. And I must say that I should not know how to press for the{282}contract, knowing that your nephew’s prices are thirty per cent., at least, above the market.
Griskin.That’s being rather nice, I should say, Mr. Turnstile. My nephew is as good a lad as ever stood in shoe-leather; and has six good wotes in Shoreditch,—and, as to myself, Mr. Turnstile, I must say that, after all I did at your election—and in such wery hot weather—I did not expect you’d be so wery particular about a small matter.—Sir, I wish you a good morning.
Turnstile.(Bowing and looking after him.) So this fellow, like the rest of them, thinks that I am to do his jobs, and to neglect my own. And this is yourreformedParliament.
SCENEIX.—The street, nearTURNSTILE’Shouse.EnterTRIPESandSMOOTH,meeting.Smooth.(Taking bothTRIPES’hands). My dear Tripes, how d’ye do?—Pray, how is your good lady?—What a jolly party at your house last night! and Mrs. Tripes, I hope, is none the worse for it?
SCENEIX.—The street, nearTURNSTILE’Shouse.
EnterTRIPESandSMOOTH,meeting.
Smooth.(Taking bothTRIPES’hands). My dear Tripes, how d’ye do?—Pray, how is your good lady?—What a jolly party at your house last night! and Mrs. Tripes, I hope, is none the worse for it?
Tripes.Oh dear sir, no! Mrs. Tripes and my daughters weresopleased with your Scotch singing.
Smooth.And your boys, how are they?—fine, promising, active fellows.—You’ve heard from MacLeech?
Tripes.Just received the note as I left home.
Smooth.All is quite right, you see, your cousin has the appointment at the Cape. I knew MacLeech was just the man for the details. A ship, I find, is to sail in about three weeks; and (significantly) I don’t think your cousin need beveryscrupulous about freight and passage.
Tripes.You are too good, Mr. Smooth. I’m sure if anything that I can do,—my sense of all yourkindness——{283}
Smooth.I was thinking, when I saw those fine lads of yours, that another assistant to my under secretary’s deputy—but (between you and me) Hume thinks that one is more than enough. We must wait a little.
TakesTRIPES’arm.[Exeunt.
SCENEX.—TURNSTILE’Sparlour, 11½A.M.Breakfast on the table; pamphlets and newspapers. In the corners of the room, books and philosophical instruments, dusty and thrown together; heaps of Parliamentary Reports lying above them.TURNSTILEalone, musing, and looking over some journals.Turnstile.This headache! Impossible to sleep when one goes to bed by daylight. Experiments by Arago! Ah! a paper by Cauchy, on my own subject. But here is this cursed committee in Smithfield to be attended; and it is already past eleven. (Rising).
SCENEX.—TURNSTILE’Sparlour, 11½A.M.Breakfast on the table; pamphlets and newspapers. In the corners of the room, books and philosophical instruments, dusty and thrown together; heaps of Parliamentary Reports lying above them.TURNSTILEalone, musing, and looking over some journals.
Turnstile.This headache! Impossible to sleep when one goes to bed by daylight. Experiments by Arago! Ah! a paper by Cauchy, on my own subject. But here is this cursed committee in Smithfield to be attended; and it is already past eleven. (Rising).
[Knock at the hall door.]
Enter Servant.
Servant.Mr. Tripes, sir.
Turnstile.Show him in. He comes, no doubt, to say that my election is arranged. A good, fat-headed, honest fellow.
EnterTRIPES.
Well Mr. Tripes, I’m glad to see you. Pray take a chair.
Tripes.We hoped to have seen you at the meeting yesterday, sir. Capital speech from Mr. Smooth. You know, of course, that Mr. Highway is a candidate; and Mr. MacLeech is talked of;—very sorry, indeed, you weren’t there.
Turnstile.A transit of Venus, Mr. Tripes, is a thing that does not happen every day. Besides, my friend, Stellini{284}from Palermo, is here; and I had promised to go with him to Greenwich.
Tripes.Almost a pity, sir, to call off your attention from such objects. But in the City we are men of business, you know,—plain, every-day people.
Turnstile.It was unlucky; but I could not help it. The committee, I hope, is by this time at work?
Tripes.It was just that, I called about. I wished to tell you myself how very sorry I am that I cannot be your chairman. But—my large family—press of business,—in short,—you must excuse me;—and, if I should be upon Mr. Smooth’s committee, I don’t well see how I can attend to both.
Turnstile.Smooth!—but he and I go together, you know,—at least, I understood it so.
Tripes.I’m glad to hear it; I feared there might be some mistake. And, if Mr. MacLeech comes forward,—being a fellow-townsman of Mr. Smooth, and a good deal in the Glasgow interest;—a commercial man too, Mr. Turnstile;—apracticalman—Mr. Turnstile;—I am not quite sure that you can count upon Mr. Smooth’s assistance;—and Government, you know, is strong.
Turnstile.Assistance, Mr. Tripes,—from Smooth!—why I came in on my own ground;—on theIndependentinterest.—Assistance from Smooth!—Besides,—Smooth knows very well thatoursecond votes secured him.
Tripes.Very true, sir; but these Independent people are hard to deal with; and Mr. Highway, I assure you, hit very hard in his speech at the meeting yesterday. He talked of amateur politicians,—attention to the business of the people,—dinners with the opposite party. In short, I fear, they will say,—like the others,—that what they want is something{285}of “apractical man” Mr. Turnstile.—I’m sorry that I must be going.—Sir, your servant.
Turnstile.(Rising and ringing.) [Enter servant.] Open the door for Mr. Tripes. [ExitTRIPES.]D——d,double-faced, selfish blockhead!
SCENEXI.—The street, as before.EnterTRIPES,fromTURNSTILE’Shouse.Tripes.(Putting on his hat.) He might have been more civil, too;—though he did count upon me for his chairman. But I’ll show him that I’m not to be insulted; and if, MacLeech manages the matter well for Charles, thisMr. Philosopher Turnstile, though he thinks himself so clever, may go to the devil.[Exit.
SCENEXI.—The street, as before.
EnterTRIPES,fromTURNSTILE’Shouse.
Tripes.(Putting on his hat.) He might have been more civil, too;—though he did count upon me for his chairman. But I’ll show him that I’m not to be insulted; and if, MacLeech manages the matter well for Charles, thisMr. Philosopher Turnstile, though he thinks himself so clever, may go to the devil.[Exit.