SCENE,SirJohn Brute's House.
Enter SirJohn, solus.
Whatcloying Meat is Love—when Matrimony's the Sauce to it! Two Years Marriage has debauch'd my five Senses. Every thing I see, every thing I hear, every thing I feel, every thing I smell, and every thing I taste—methinks has Wife in't. No Boy was ever so weary of his Tutor, no Girl of her Bib, no Nun of doing Penance, or old Maid of being chaste, as I am of being married. Sure there's a secret Curse entail'd upon the very Name of Wife. My Lady is a young Lady, a fine Lady, a witty Lady, a virtuous Lady,—and yet I hate her. There is but one thing on Earth I loath beyond her: That's Fighting. Would my Courage come up to a fourth part of my Ill-Nature, I'd stand buff to her Relations, and thrust her out of doors. But Marriage has sunk me down to such an Ebb of Resolution, I dare not draw my Sword, tho' even to get rid of my Wife. But here she comes.
EnterLady Brute.
Lady Brute.Do you dine at home to-day, SirJohn?
Sir John.Why, do you expect I should tell you what I don't know myself?
Lady Brute.I thought there was no harm in asking you.
Sir John.If thinking wrong were an excuse for Impertinence, Women might be justify'd in most things they say or do.
Lady Brute.I'm sorry I have said any thing to displease you.
Sir John.Sorrow for things past is of as little importance to me, as my dining at home or abroad ought to be to you.
Lady Brute.My Enquiry was only that I might have provided what you lik'd.
Sir John.Six to four you had been in the wrong there again; for what I lik'd yesterday I don't like to-day; and what I like to-day, 'tis odds I mayn't like to-morrow.
Lady Brute.But if I had ask'd you what you lik'd?
Sir John.Why then there wou'd have been more asking about it than the thing was worth.
Lady Brute.I wish I did but know how I might please you.
Sir John.Ay, but that sort of Knowledge is not a Wife's Talent.
Lady Brute.Whate'er my Talent is, I'm sure my Will has ever been to make you easy.
Sir John.If Women were to have their Wills, the World wou'd be finely govern'd.
Lady Brute.What reason have I given you to use me as you do of late? It once was otherwise: You marry'd me for Love.
Sir John.And you me for Money: So you have your Reward, and I have mine.
Lady Brute.What is it that disturbs you?
Sir John.A Parson.
Lady Brute.Why, what has he done to you?
Sir John.He has married me.
[Exit SirJohn.
LadyBrutesola.
The Devil's in the Fellow, I think——I was told before I married him, that thus 'twou'd be: But I thought I had Charms enough to govern him; and that where there was an Estate, a Woman must needs be happy; so my Vanity has deceiv'd me, and my Ambition has made me uneasy. But there's some Comfort still; if one wou'd be reveng'd of him, these are good times; a Woman may have a Gallant, and a separate Maintenance too—The surly Puppy—yet he's a Fool for't: for hitherto he has been no Monster: But who knows how far he may provoke me? I never lov'd him, yet I have been ever true to him; and that, in spite of all the Attacks of Art and Nature upon a poor weak Woman's Heart, in favour of a tempting Lover. Methinks so noble a Defence as I have made, shou'd be rewarded with a better Usage—Or who can tell?——Perhaps a good part of what I suffer from my Husband, may be a Judgment upon me for my Cruelty to my Lover.——Lord, with what pleasure could I indulge that Thought, were there but a Possibility of finding Arguments to make it good!—--And how do I know but there may?—Let me see——What opposes?—My matrimonial Vow——Why, what did I vow? I think I promis'd to be true to my Husband. Well; and he promis'd to be kind to me. But he han't kept his Word——Why then I'm absolv'd from mine—Ay, that seems clear to me. The Argument's good between the King and the People, why not between the Husband and the Wife? O, but that Condition was not exprest—No matter, 'twas understood. Well, by all I see, if I argue the matter a little longer with myself, I shan't find so many Bug-bears in the Way as I thought I shou'd. Lord, what fine Notions of Virtue do we Women take up upon the Credit of old foolish Philosophers! Virtue's its own Reward, Virtue's this, Virtue's that——Virtue's an Ass, and a Gallant's worth forty on't.
EnterBelinda.
Lady Brute.Good-morrow, dear Cousin.
Bel.Good-morrow, Madam; you look pleas'd this Morning.
Lady Brute.I am so.
Bel.With what, pray?
Lady Brute.With my Husband.
Bel.Drown Husbands; for your's is a provoking Fellow: As he went out just now, I pray'd him to tell me what time of Day 'twas; and he ask'd me if I took him for the Church-Clock, that was oblig'd to tell all the Parish.
Lady Brute.He has been saying some good obliging things to me too. In short,Belinda, he has us'd me so barbarously of late, that I cou'd almost resolve to play the downright Wife—and cuckold him.
Bel.That would be downright indeed.
Lady Brute.Why, after all, there's more to be said for't than you'd imagine, Child. I know, according to the strict Statute-Law of Religion, I shou'd do wrong: But if there were a Court of Chancery in Heav'n, I'm sure I shou'd cast him.
Bel.If there were a House of Lords, you might.
Lady Brute.In either I should infallibly carry my Cause. Why, he is the first Aggressor, not I.
Bel.Ay, but you know we must return Good for Evil.
Lady Brute.That may be a Mistake in the Translation—Pr'ythee be of my Opinion,Belinda; for I'm positive I'm in the right; and if you'll keep up the Prerogative of a Woman, you'll likewise be positive you are in the right, whenever you do any thing you have a mind to. But I shall play the Fool, and jest on, till I make you begin to think I'm in earnest.
Bel.I shan't take the Liberty, Madam, to think of any thing that you desire to keep a Secret from me.
Lady Brute.Alas, my Dear, I have no Secrets. My Heart cou'd never yet confine my Tongue.
Bel.Your Eyes, you mean; for I'm sure I have seen them gadding, when your Tongue has been lock'd up safe enough.
Lady Brute.My Eyes gadding! Pr'ythee after who, Child?
Bel.Why, after one that thinks you hate him, as much as I know you love him.
Lady Brute.Constantyou mean.
Bel.I do so.
Lady Brute.Lord, what shou'd put such a thing into your Head?
Bel.That which puts things into most People's Heads, Observation.
Lady Brute.Why what have you observ'd, in the Name of Wonder?
Bel.I have observed you blush when you met him; force yourself away from him; and then be out of humour with every thing about you: In a Word, never was poor Creature so spurr'd on by Desire, and so rein'd in with Fear.
Lady Brute.How strong is Fancy!
Bel.How weak is Woman!
Lady Brute.Pr'ythee, Niece, have a better Opinion of your Aunt's Inclination.
Bel.Dear Aunt, have a better Opinion of your Niece's Understanding.
Lady Brute.You'll make me angry.
Bel.You'll make me laugh.
Lady Brute.Then you are resolv'd to persist?
Bel.Positively.
Lady Brute.And all I can say——
Bel.Will signify nothing.
Lady Brute.Tho' I should swear 'twere false—
Bel.I should think it true.
Lady Brute.Then let us both forgive; [Kissing her.] for we have both offended: I, in making a Secret; you, in discovering it.
Bel.Good Nature may do much: But you have more Reason to forgive one, than I have to pardon t'other.
Lady Brute.'Tis true,Belinda, you have given me so many Proofs of your Friendship, that my Reserve has been indeed a Crime: But that you may more easily forgive me, remember, Child, that when our Nature prompts us to a thing our Honour and Religion have forbid us; we wou'd (wer't possible) conceal even from the Soul itself, the Knowledge of the Body's Weakness.
Bel.Well, I hope, to make your Friend amends, you'll hide nothing from her for the future, tho' the Body shou'd still grow weaker and weaker.
Lady Brute.No, from this Moment I have no more Reserve; and for a Proof of my Repentance, I own,Belinda, I'm in danger. Merit and Wit assault me from without; Nature and Love sollicit me within; my Husband's barbarous Usage piques me to Revenge; andSatan, catching at the fair Occasion, throws in my way that Vengeance, which of all Vengeance pleases Women best.
Bel.'Tis wellConstantdon't know the Weakness of the Fortification; for o' my Conscience he'd soon come on to the Assault.
Lady Brute.Ay, and I'm afraid carry the Town too. But whatever you may have observ'd, I have dissembled so well as to keep him ignorant. So you see I'm no Coquette,Belinda: And if you follow my Advice, you'll never be one neither. 'Tis true, Coquetry is one of the main Ingredients in the natural Composition of a Woman; and I, as well as others, cou'd be well enough pleas'd to see a Crowd of young Fellows ogling, and glancing, and watching all Occasions to do forty foolish officious Things: Nay, shou'd some of 'em push on, even to hanging or drowning, why—'faith—if I shou'd let pure Woman alone, I shou'd e'en be but too well pleas'd with it.
Bel.I'll swear 'twould tickle me strangely.
Lady Brute.But after all, 'tis a vicious Practice in us, to give the least Encouragement but where we design to come to a Conclusion. For 'tis an unreasonable thingto engage a Man in a Disease, which we beforehand resolve we never will apply a Cure to.
Bel.'Tis true; but then a Woman must abandon one of the supreme Blessings of her Life. For I am fully convinc'd, no Man has half that Pleasure in possessing a Mistress, as a Woman has in jilting a Gallant.
Lady Brute.The happiest Woman then on Earth must be our Neighbour.
Bel.O the impertinent Composition! She has Vanity and Affectation enough to make her a ridiculous Original, in spite of all that Art and Nature ever furnish'd to any of her Sex before her.
Lady Brute.She concludes all Men her Captives; and whatever Course they take, it serves to confirm her in that Opinion.
Bel.If they shun her, she thinks 'tis Modesty, and takes it for a Proof of their Passion.
Lady Brute.And if they are rude to her, 'tis Conduct, and done to prevent Town-talk.
Bel.When her Folly makes 'em laugh; she thinks they are pleased with her Wit.
Lady Brute.And when her Impertinence makes 'em dull, concludes they are jealous of her Favours.
Bel.All their Actions and their Words, she takes for granted, aim at her.
Lady Brute.And pities all other Women, because she thinks they envy her.
Bel.Pray, out of pity to ourselves, let us find a better Subject; for I'm weary of this. Do you think your Husband inclined to Jealousy?
Lady Brute.O, no; he does not love me well enough for that. Lord, how wrong Men's Maxims are! They are seldom jealous of their Wives, unless they are very fond of 'em; whereas they ought to consider the Women's Inclinations; for there depends their Fate. Well, Men may talk; But they are not so wise as we——that's certain.
Bel.At least in our Affairs.
Lady Brute.Nay, I believe we shou'd out-do 'em inthe Business of the State too: For, methinks, they do and undo, and make but bad Work on't.
Bel.Why then don't we get into the Intrigues of Government as well as they?
Lady Brute.Because we have Intrigues of our own, that make us more Sport, Child. And so let's in and consider of 'em.
[Exeunt.
Enter LadyFancyfull,Madamoiselle, andCornet.
Lady Fan.How do I look this Morning?
Cor.Your Ladyship looks very ill, truly.
Lady Fan.Lard, how ill-natur'd thou art,Cornet, to tell me so, tho' the thing shou'd be true! Don't you know that I have Humility enough to be but too easily out of Conceit with myself? Hold the Glass; I dare swear that will have more Manners than you have.Madamoiselle, let me have your Opinion too.
Madam.My opinion pe, Matam, dat your Latyship never look so well in your Life.
Lady Fan.Well, theFrenchare the prettiest, obliging People; they say the most acceptable, well-manner'd things—and never flatter.
Madam.Your Latyship say great Justice inteed.
Lady Fan.Nay, every thing's just in my House butCornet. The very Looking-Glass gives her theDementi. But I'm almost afraid it flatters me, it makes me look so very engaging.
[Looking affectedly in the Glass.
Madam.Inteed, Matam, your face pe handsomer den all de Looking-Glass in de World,croyez moy.
Lady Fan.But is it possible my Eyes can be so languishing—and so very full of Fire?
Madam.Matam, if de Glass was Burning-Glass, I believe your Eyes set de Fire in de House.
Lady Fan.You may take that Night-gown,Madamoiselle; get out of the Room,Cornet; I can't endure you. This Wench, methinks, does look so unsufferably ugly.
Madam.Every ting look ugly, Matam, dat stand by your Latyship.
Lady Fan.No really,Madamoiselle, methinks you look mighty pretty.
Madam.Ah Matam! de Moon have no Eclat ven de Sun appear.
Lady Fan.O pretty Expression! Have you ever been in Love,Madamoiselle?
Madam.Ouy, Matame.
[Sighing.
Lady Fan.And were you belov'd again?
Madam.Non, Matame.
Lady Fan.O ye Gods! What an unfortunate Creature shou'd I be in such a Case! But Nature has made me nice, for my own Defence: I'm nice, strangely nice,Madamoiselle; I believe were the Merit of whole Mankind bestow'd upon one single Person, I shou'd still think the Fellow wanted something to make it worth my while to take notice of him; and yet I could love; nay, fondly love, were it possible to have a thing made on purpose for me: For I'm not cruel,Madamoiselle; I'm only nice.
Madam.Ah Matam, I wish I was fine Gentleman for your sake. I do all de ting in de World to get leetel way into your Heart. I make Song, I make Verse, I give you de Serenade, I give great many Present toMadamoiselle; I no eat, I no sleep, I be lean, I be mad, I hang myself, I drown myself.Ah ma chere Dame, que je vous aimerois!
[Embracing her.
Lady Fan.Well, theFrenchhave strange obliging ways with 'em; you may take those two pair of Gloves,Madamoiselle.
Madam.Me humbly tanke my sweet Lady.
EnterCornet.
Cor.Madam, here's a Letter for your Ladyship by the Penny Post.
Lady Fan.Some new Conquest, I'll warrant you. For without Vanity, I look'd extremely clear last Night when I went to the Park.—O agreeable! Here's a new Song made of me: And ready set too. O thou welcome thing! [Kissing it.] CallPipehither, she shall sing it instantly.
EnterPipe.
Here, sing me this new Song,Pipe.
SONG.I.Fly, fly, you happy Shepherds, fly;AvoidPhilira's Charms;The Rigour of her Heart deniesThe Heaven that's in her Arms.Ne'er hope to gaze, and then retire,Nor yielding, to be blest;Nature, who form'd her Eyes of Fire,Of Ice compos'd her Breast.II.Yet, lovely Maid, this once believeA Slave whose Zeal you move;The Gods, alas! your Youth deceive,Their Heav'n consists in Love.In spite of all the Thanks you owe,You may reproach 'em this;That where they did their Form bestow,They have deny'd their Bliss.
SONG.
I.
Fly, fly, you happy Shepherds, fly;AvoidPhilira's Charms;The Rigour of her Heart deniesThe Heaven that's in her Arms.Ne'er hope to gaze, and then retire,Nor yielding, to be blest;Nature, who form'd her Eyes of Fire,Of Ice compos'd her Breast.
II.
Yet, lovely Maid, this once believeA Slave whose Zeal you move;The Gods, alas! your Youth deceive,Their Heav'n consists in Love.In spite of all the Thanks you owe,You may reproach 'em this;That where they did their Form bestow,They have deny'd their Bliss.
Lady Fan.Well, there may be Faults,Madamoiselle, but the Design is so very obliging, 'twou'd be a matchless Ingratitude in me to discover 'em.
Madam.Ma foy, Madame, I tink de Gentleman's Song tell you de Trute. If you never love, you never be happy—Ah—que l'aime l'amour moy!
Enter Servant with another Letter.
Ser.Madam, here's another Letter for your Ladyship.
Lady Fan.'Tis this way I am importun'd every Morning,Madamoiselle. Pray how do theFrenchLadies when they are thusaccablées?
Madam.Matam, dey never complain.Au contraire, when oneFrenseLaty have got hundred Lover—den she do all she can—to get a hundred more.
Lady Fan.Well, strike me dead, I think they havele Gout bon. For 'tis an unutterable Pleasure to be ador'd by all the Men, and envy'd by all the Women——Yet I'll swear I'm concern'd at the Torture I give 'em. Lard, why was I form'd to make the whole Creation uneasy! But let me read my Letter. [Reads.]
"If you have a mind to hear of your Faults, instead of being prais'd for your Virtues, take the pains to walk in the Green-walk in St.James's with your Woman an Hour hence. You'll there meet one, who hates you for some things, as he cou'd love you for others, and therefore is willing to endeavour your Reformation.——If you come to the Place I mention, you'll know who I am: If you don't, you never shall: so take your Choice."
"If you have a mind to hear of your Faults, instead of being prais'd for your Virtues, take the pains to walk in the Green-walk in St.James's with your Woman an Hour hence. You'll there meet one, who hates you for some things, as he cou'd love you for others, and therefore is willing to endeavour your Reformation.——If you come to the Place I mention, you'll know who I am: If you don't, you never shall: so take your Choice."
This is strangely familiar,Madamoiselle; now have I a provoking Fancy to know who this impudent Fellow is.
Madam.Den take your Scarf and your Mask, and go to de Rendezvous. DeFrenseLaty dojustement comme ça.
Lady Fan.Rendezvous! What, rendezvous with a Man,Madamoiselle!
Madam.Eh, pourquoy non?
Lady Fan.What, and a Man perhaps I never saw in my Life?
Madam.Tant mieux: c'est donc quelque chose de nouveau.
Lady Fan.Why, how do I know what Designs he may have? He may intend to ravish me, for aught I know.
Madam.Ravish!—Bagatelle. I would fain see one impudent Rogue ravishMadamoiselle: Ouy, je le voudrois.
Lady Fan..O, but my Reputation,Madamoiselle!my Reputation!Ah ma chere Reputation!
Madam.Madame—Quand on la une fois perdue—On n'en est plus embarassée.
Lady Fan.Fe,Madamoiselle, Fe! Reputation is a Jewel.
Madam.Qui coute bien chere, Madame.
Lady Fan.Why sure you would not sacrifice your Honour to your Pleasure?
Madam.Je suis Philosophe.
Lady Fan.Bless me, how you talk! Why, what if Honour be a Burden,Madamoiselle, must it not be borne?
Madam.Chaqu'un a sa façon—Quand quelque chose m'incommode moy—je m'en defais vite.
Lady Fan.Get you gone, you little naughtyFrench-woman, you; I vow and swear I must turn you out of doors, if you talk thus.
Madam.Turn me out of doors!—--Turn yourself out of doors, and go see what de Gentleman have to say to you—Tenez.Voila[Giving her her things hastily.]vostre Esharpe,voila vostre Quoife,voila vostre Masque,voila tout.Hey,Mercure,Coquin: Call one Chair for Matam, and one oder [Calling within.] for me:Va t'en vite. [Turning to her Lady, and helping her on hastily with her things.]Allons, Madame, depechez vous donc. Mon Dieu, quelles Scrupules!
Lady Fan.Well, for once,Madamoiselle, I'll follow your Advice, out of the intemperate Desire I have to know who this ill-bred Fellow is. But I have too muchDelicatesse, to make a Practice on't.
Madam.Belle chose vrayment que la Delicatesse, lors qu'il s'agit de se devertir—à ça—Vous voila equipés, partons.—He bien!—qu'avez vous donc?
Lady Fan.J'ay peur.
Madam.Je n'en ay point moy.
Lady Fan.I dare not go.
Madam.Demeurez donc.
Lady Fan.Je suis poltrone.
Madam.Tant pis pour vous.
Lady Fan.Curiosity's a wicked Devil.
Madam.C'est une charmante Sainte.
Lady Fan.It ruined our first Parents.
Madam.Elle a bien diverti leurs Enfans.
Lady Fan.L'Honneur est contre.
Madam.La Plaisir est pour.
Lady Fan.Must I then go?
Madam.Must you go?—Must you eat, must you drink, must you sleep, must you live? De Nature bid you do one, de Nature bid you do toder.Vous me ferez enrager.
Lady Fan.But when Reason corrects Nature,Madamoiselle——
Madam.Elle est donc bien insolente, c'est sa Sœur aisnée.
Lady Fan.Do you then prefer your Nature to your Reason,Madamoiselle?
Madam.Ouy da.
Lady Fan.Pourquoy?
Madam.Because my Nature make me merry, my Reason make me mad.
Lady Fan.Ah la mechante Françoise!
Madam.Ah la belle Angloise!
[Forcing her Lady off.