Enter LadyFancyfull and Madamoiselle.
Lady Fan.Well, I vow,Madamoiselle, I'm strangely impatient to know who this confident Fellow is.
EnterHeartfree.
Look, there'sHeartfree. But sure it can't be him; he's a profess'd Woman-hater. Yet who knows what my wicked Eyes may have done?
Madam.Il nous approche, Madame.
Lady Fan.Yes, 'tis he: now will he be most intolerably cavalier, tho' he should be in love with me.
Heart.Madam, I'm your humble Servant; I perceive you have more Humility and Good-Nature than I thought you had.
Lady Fan.What you attribute to Humility and Good-Nature, Sir, may perhaps be only due to Curiosity. I had a mind to know who 'twas had ill manners enough to write that Letter.
[Throwing him his Letter.
Heart.Well, and now I hope you are satisfy'd.
Lady Fan.I am so, Sir: Good by t'ye.
Heart.Nay, hold there; tho' you have done your Business, I han't done mine: By your Ladyship's leave, we must have one Moment's Prattle together. Have you a mind to be the prettiest Woman about Town, or not? How she stares upon me! What! this passes for an impertinent Question with you now, because you think you are so already?
Lady Fan.Pray, Sir, let me ask you a Question in my Turn: By what Right do you pretend to examine me?
Heart.By the same Right that the strong govern the weak, because I have you in my power; for you cannot get so quickly to your Coach, but I shall have time enough to make you hear every thing I have to say to you.
Lady Fan.These are strange Liberties you take, Mr.Heartfree.
Heart.They are so, Madam, but there's no help for it; for know that I have a Design upon you.
Lady Fan.Upon me, Sir!
Heart.Yes; and one that will turn to your Glory, and my Comfort, if you will but be a little wiser than you use to be.
Lady Fan.Very well, Sir.
Heart.Let me see——Your Vanity, Madam, I take to be about some eight Degrees higher than any Woman's in the Town, let t'other be who she will; and my Indifference is naturally about the same Pitch. Now, could you find the way to turn this Indifference into Fire and Flames, methinks your Vanity ought to be satisfy'd; and this, perhaps, you might bring about upon pretty reasonable Terms.
Lady Fan.And pray at what rate would this Indifference be bought off, if one shou'd have so depraved an Appetite to desire it?
Heart.Why, Madam, to drive a Quaker's Bargain, and make but one word with you, if I do part with it—you must lay me down—your Affectation.
Lady Fan.My Affectation, Sir!
Heart.Why, I ask you nothing but what you may very well spare.
Lady Fan.You grow rude, Sir. Come,Madamoiselle, 'tis high time to be gone.
Madam.Allons, allons, allons.
Heart.[Stopping them.] Nay, you may as well stand still; for hear me you shall, walk which way you please.
Lady Fan.What mean you, Sir?
Heart.I mean to tell you, that you are the most ungrateful Woman upon Earth.
Lady Fan.Ungrateful! To whom?
Heart.To Nature.
Lady Fan.Why, what has Nature done for me?
Heart.What you have undone by Art! It made you handsome; it gave you Beauty to a Miracle, a Shape without a Fault, Wit enough to make them relish, and so turn'd you loose to your own Discretion; which has made such work with you, that you are become the Pity of our Sex, and the Jest of your own. There is not a Feature in your Face, but you have found the way to teach it some affected Convulsion; your Feet, your Hands, your very Fingers Ends are directed never to move without some ridiculous Air or other; and your Language is a suitable Trumpet, to draw people's Eyes upon the Raree-show.
Madam.[aside]Est ce qu'on fait l'amour en Angleterre comme ça?
Lady Fan.[Aside.] Now cou'd I cry for Madness, but that I know he'd laugh at me for it.
Heart.Now do you hate me for telling you the Truth, but that's because you don't believe it is so; for were you once convinc'd of that, you'd reform for your own sake. But 'tis as hard to persuade a Woman to quit anything that makes her ridiculous, as 'tis to prevail with a Poet to see a Fault in his own Play.
Lady Fan.Every Circumstance of nice Breeding must needs appear ridiculous to one who has so natural an Antipathy to Good-manners.
Heart.But suppose I could find the means to convince you, that the whole World is of my Opinion, and that those who flatter and commend you, do it to no other Intent, but to make you persevere in your Folly, that they may continue in their Mirth.
Lady Fan.Sir, tho' you and all that World you talk of shou'd be so impertinently officious, as to think to persuade me I don't know how to behave myself; I shou'd still have Charity enough for my own Understanding, to believe myself in the right, and all you in the wrong.
Madam.Le voila mort.
[Exeunt LadyFancyfullandMadamoiselle.
Heart.[Gazing after her.] There her single Clapper has publish'd the Sense of the whole Sex. Well, this once I have endeavour'd to wash the Blackamoor white, but henceforward I'll sooner undertake to teach Sincerity to a Courtier, Generosity to an Usurer, Honesty to a Lawyer, nay, Humility to a Divine, than Discretion to a Woman I see has once set her Heart upon playing the Fool.
EnterConstant.
'Morrow,Constant.
Const.Good-morrow,Jack! What are you doing here this Morning?
Heart.Doing! Guess, if thou canst.——Why I have been endeavouring to persuade my LadyFancyfull, that she's the foolishest Woman about Town.
Const.A pretty Endeavour, truly!
Heart.I have told her in as plainEnglishas I could speak, both what the Town says of her, and what I think of her. In short, I have us'd her as an absolute King would doMagna Charta.
Const.And how does she take it?
Heart.As Children do Pills; bite them, but can't swallow them.
Const.But, pr'ythee, what has put it into your Head, of all Mankind, to turn Reformer?
Heart.Why one thing was, the Morning hung upon my Hands, I did not know what to do with myself; and another was, that as little as I care for Women, I cou'd not see with Patience one that Heaven had taken such wondrous Pains about, be so very industrious to make herself the Jack-pudding of the Creation.
Const.Well, now could I almost wish to see my cruel Mistress make the self-same Use of what Heaven has done for her, that so I might be cur'd of a Disease that makes me so very uneasy; for Love, Love is the Devil,Heartfree.
Heart.And why do you let the Devil govern you?
Const.Because I have more Flesh and Blood than Grace and Self-denial. My dear, dear Mistress! 'S death! that so genteel a Woman should be a Saint, when Religion's out of Fashion!
Heart.Nay, she's much in the wrong, truly; but who knows how far Time and good Example may prevail?
Const.O! they have play'd their Parts in vain already: 'Tis now two Years since that damned Fellow her Husband invited me to his Wedding; and there was the first time I saw that charming Woman, whom I have lov'd ever since, more than e'er a Martyr did his Soul; but she is cold, my Friend, still cold as the Northern Star.
Heart.So are all Women by Nature, which makes them so willing to be warm'd.
Const.O don't prophane the Sex! Pr'ythee, think them all Angels for her sake; for she's virtuous even to a Fault.
Heart.A Lover's Head is a good accountable Thing truly; he adores his Mistress for being virtuous, and yet is very angry with her because she won't be lewd.
Const.Well, the only Relief I expect in my Misery, is to see thee some Day or other as deeply engag'd as myself, which will force me to be merry in the midst of all my Misfortunes.
Heart.That Day will never come, be assur'd,Ned. Not but that I can pass a Night with a Woman, and forthe time, perhaps; make myself as good Sport as you can do. Nay, I can court a Woman too, call her Nymph, Angel, Goddess, what you please: But here's the Difference 'twixt you and I; I persuade a Woman she's an Angel, and she persuades you she's one. Pr'ythee, let me tell you how I avoid falling in Love; that which serves me for Prevention, may chance to serve you for a Cure.
Const.Well, use the Ladies moderately then, and I'll hear you.
Heart.That using them moderately undoes us all; but I'll use them justly, and that you ought to be satisfied with. I always consider a Woman, not as the Taylor, the Shoemaker, the Tire-woman, the Sempstress, and (which is more than all that) the Poet makes her; but I consider her as pure Nature has contrived her, and that more strictly than I shou'd have done our old GrandmotherEve, had I seen her naked in the Garden; for I consider her turn'd inside out. Her Heart well examin'd, I find there Pride, Vanity, Covetousness, Indiscretion, but above all things, Malice; plots eternally a-forging to destroy one another's Reputations, and as honestly to charge the Levity of Men's Tongues with the Scandal; hourly Debates how to make poor Gentlemen in love with them, with no other Intent but to use them like Dogs when they have done; a constant Desire of doing more Mischief, and an everlasting War wag'd against Truth and Good-Nature.
Const.Very well, Sir! An admirable Composition, truly!
Heart.Then for her Outside, I consider it merely as an Outside; she has a thin Tiffany Covering over just such Stuff as you and I are made on. As for her Motion, her Mien, her Airs, and all those Tricks, I know they affect you mightily. If you should see your Mistress at a Coronation dragging her Peacock's Train, with all her State and Insolence about her, 'twou'd strike you with all the awful Thoughts that Heav'n itself could pretend to from you; whereas I turn the whole Matter into a Jest, and suppose her strutting in the self-same stately Manner,with nothing on her but her Stays and her under scanty quilted Petticoat.
Const.Hold thy profane Tongue; for I'll hear no more.
Heart.What, you'll love on, then?
Const.Yes, to Eternity.
Heart.Yet you have no hopes at all?
Const.None.
Heart.Nay, the Resolution may be discreet enough; perhaps you have found out some new Philosophy, that Love, like Virtue, is its own Reward: So you and your Mistress will be as well content at a Distance, as others that have less Learning are in coming together.
Const.No; but if she should prove kind at last, my dearHeartfree—
[Embracing him.
Heart.Nay, pr'ythee, don't take me for your Mistress; for Lovers are very troublesome.
Const.Well; who knows what Time may do?
Heart.And just now he was sure Time could do nothing.
Const.Yet not one kind Glance in two Years, is somewhat strange.
Heart.Not strange at all; she don't like you, that's all the Business.
Const.Pr'ythee, don't distract me.
Heart.Nay, you are a good handsome young Fellow, she might use you better: Come, will you go see her? Perhaps she may have chang'd her Mind; there's some Hopes as long as she's a Woman.
Const.O, 'tis in vain to visit her! Sometimes to get a Sight of her, I visit that Beast her Husband; but she certainly finds some Pretence to quit the Room as soon as I enter.
Heart.'Tis much she don't tell him you have made Love to her too; for that's another good-natur'd thing usual amongst Women, in which they have several Ends. Sometimes 'tis to recommend their Virtue, that they may be lewd with the greater Security. Sometimes 'tis to make their Husbands fight, in hopes they may be kill'd, when their Affairs require it should be so: but most commonly 'tis to engage two Men in a Quarrel, that they may have the Credit of being fought for; and if the Lover's kill'd in the Business, they cry,Poor Fellow, he had ill Luck——and so they go to Cards.
Const.Thy Injuries to Women are not to be forgiven. Look to't, if ever thou dost fall into their Hands——
Heart.They can't use me worse than they do you, that speak well of 'em. O ho! here comes the Knight.
Enter SirJohn Brute.
Heart.Your humble Servant, SirJohn.
Sir John.Servant, Sir.
Heart.How does all your Family?
Sir John.Pox o' my Family!
Const.How does your Lady? I han't seen her abroad a good while.
Sir John.Do! I don't know how she does, not I; she was well enough Yesterday; I han't been at home to-night.
Const.What, were you out of Town?
Sir John.Out of Town! No, I was drinking.
Const.You are a trueEnglishman; don't know your own Happiness. If I were married to such a Woman, I would not be from her a Night for all the Wine inFrance.
Sir John.Not from her!—--'Oons——what a time should a Man have of that!
Heart.Why, there's no Division, I hope.
Sir John.No; but there's a Conjunction, and that's worse; a Pox of the Parson——Why the plague don't you two marry? I fancy I look like the Devil to you.
Heart.Why, you don't think you have Horns, do you?
Sir John.No, I believe my Wife's Religion will keep her honest.
Heart.And what will make her keep her Religion?
Sir John.Persecution; and therefore she shall have it.
Heart.Have a care, Knight! Women are tender things.
Sir John.And yet, methinks, 'tis a hard Matter to break their Hearts.
Const.Fy, fy! You have one of the best Wives in the World, and yet you seem the most uneasy Husband.
Sir John.Best Wives! The Woman's well enough; she has no Vice that I know of, but she's a Wife, and—damn a Wife! If I were married to a Hogshead of Claret, Matrimony would make me hate it.
Heart.Why did you marry, then? You were old enough to know your own Mind.
Sir John.Why did I marry? I married because I had a mind to lie with her, and she would not let me.
Heart.Why did you not ravish her?
Sir John.Yes, and so have hedg'd myself into forty Quarrels with her Relations, besides buying my pardon: But more than all that, you must know, I was afraid of being damn'd in those days: For I kept sneaking, cowardly Company, Fellows that went to Church, said Grace to their Meat, and had not the least Tincture of Quality about them.
Heart.But I think you are got into a better Gang now?
Sir John.Zoons, Sir, my LordRakeand I are Hand and Glove: I believe we may get our Bones broke together to-night; have you a mind to share a Frolick?
Const.Not I, truly; my Talent lies to softer Exercises.
Sir John.What, a Down-Bed and a Strumpet? A pox of Venery, I say. Will you come and drink with me this Afternoon?
Const.I can't drink to-day, but we'll come and sit an Hour with you, if you will.
Sir John.Phugh, Pox, sit an Hour! Why can't you drink?
Const.Because I'm to see my Mistress.
Sir John.Who's that?
Const.Why, do you use to tell?
Sir John.Yes.
Const.So won't I.
Sir John.Why?
Const.Because 'tis a Secret.
Sir John.Would my Wife knew it, 'twould be no Secret long.
Const.Why, do you think she can't keep a Secret?
Sir John.No more than she can keepLent.
Heart.Pr'ythee, tell it her to try,Constant.
Sir John.No, pr'ythee, don't, that I mayn't be plagu'd with it.
Const.I'll hold you a Guinea you don't make her tell it you.
Sir John.I'll hold you a Guinea I do.
Const.Which way?
Sir John.Why, I'll beg her not to tell it me.
Heart.Nay, if any thing does it, that will.
Const.But do you think, Sir——
Sir John.Oons, Sir, I think a Woman and a Secret are the two impertinentest Themes in the Universe: Therefore pray let's hear no more of my Wife, nor your Mistress. Damn 'em both with all my heart, and every thing else that daggles a Petticoat, except four generous Whores, withBetty Sandsat the Head of 'em, who are drunk with my LordRakeand I ten times in a Fortnight.
[ExitSir John.
Const.Here's a dainty Fellow for you! And the veriest Coward too. But his Usage of his Wife makes me ready to stab the Villain.
Heart.Lovers are short-sighted: All their Senses run into that of Feeling. This Proceeding of his is the only thing on Earth can make your Fortune. If any thing can prevail with her to accept of a Gallant, 'tis his ill Usage of her; for Women will do more for Revenge, than they'll do for the Gospel. Pr'ythee, take heart, I have great hopes for you: And since I can't bring you quite off of her, I'll endeavour to bring you quite on; for a whining Lover is the damn'dest Companion upon Earth.
Const.My dear Friend, flatter me a little more with these Hopes; for whilst they prevail, I have Heaven within me, and could melt with Joy.
Heart.Pray, no melting yet; let things go farther first. This afternoon, perhaps, we shall make some advance. In the mean while, let's go dine atLocket's, and let Hope get you a Stomach.
[Exeunt.
Enter LadyFancyfullandMadamoiselle.
Lady Fan.Did you ever see any thing soimportune, Madamoiselle?
Madam.Inteed, Matam, to say de trute, he want leetel Good-breeding.
Lady Fan.Good-breeding! He wants to be caned,Madamoiselle: an insolent Fellow! And yet let me expose my Weakness, 'tis the only Man on Earth I cou'd resolve to dispense my Favours on, were he but a fine Gentleman. Well! did Men but know how deep an Impression a fine Gentleman makes in a Lady's Heart, they would reduce all their Studies to that of Good-breeding alone.
EnterCornet.
Cor.Madam, here's Mr.Treble. He has brought home the Verses your Ladyship made, and gave him to set.
Lady Fan.O let him come in by all means. NowMadamoiselle, am I going to be unspeakably happy.
EnterTreble.
So, Mr.Treble, you have set my little Dialogue?
Treb.Yes, Madam, and I hope your Ladyship will be pleased with it.
Lady Fan.O, no doubt on't; for really, Mr.Treble, you set all things to a wonder: But your Musick is in particular heavenly, when you have my Words to clothe in't.
Treb.Your Words themselves, Madam, have so much Musick in 'em, they inspire me.
Lady Fan.Nay, now you make me blush, Mr.Treble; but pray let's hear what you have done.
Treb.You shall, Madam.
A SONG, to be sung between a Man and a Woman.
M.Ah lovely Nymph, the World's on fire;Veil, veil those cruel Eyes:W.The World may then in Flames expire,And boast that so it dies.M.But when all Mortals are destroy'd,Who then shall sing your Praise?W.Those who are fit to be employ'd:The Gods shall Altars raise.
M.Ah lovely Nymph, the World's on fire;Veil, veil those cruel Eyes:
W.The World may then in Flames expire,And boast that so it dies.
M.But when all Mortals are destroy'd,Who then shall sing your Praise?
W.Those who are fit to be employ'd:The Gods shall Altars raise.
Treb.How does your Ladyship like it, Madam?
Lady Fan.Rapture, Rapture, Mr.Treble! I'm all Rapture! O Wit and Art, what Power have you when join'd! I must needs tell you the Birth of this little Dialogue, Mr.Treble. Its Father was a Dream, and its Mother was the Moon. I dream'd that by an unanimous Vote, I was chosen Queen of that pale World; and that the first time I appear'd upon my Throne——all my Subjects fell in love with me. Just then I wak'd, and seeing Pen, Ink and Paper lie idle upon the Table, I slid into my Morning-Gown, and writ thisimpromptu.
Treb.So I guess the Dialogue, Madam, is suppos'd to be between your Majesty and your first Minister of State.
Lady Fan.Just: He, as Minister, advises me to trouble my Head about the Welfare of my Subjects; which I, as Sovereign, find a very impertinent Proposal. But is the Town so dull, Mr.Treble, it affords us never another new Song?
Treb.Madam, I have one in my Pocket, came out but Yesterday, if your Ladyship pleases to let Mrs.Pipesing it.
Lady Fan.By all means. Here,Pipe, make what Musick you can of this Song, here.
SONG.I.Not an Angel dwells above,Half so fair as her I love.Heaven knows, how she'll receive me;If she smiles, I'm blest indeed;If she frowns, I'm quickly freed;Heaven knows she ne'er can grieve me.II.None can love her more than I,Yet she ne'er shall make me die.If my Flame can never warm her,Lasting Beauty I'll adore;I shall never love her more,Cruelty will so deform her.
SONG.
I.
Not an Angel dwells above,Half so fair as her I love.Heaven knows, how she'll receive me;If she smiles, I'm blest indeed;If she frowns, I'm quickly freed;Heaven knows she ne'er can grieve me.
II.
None can love her more than I,Yet she ne'er shall make me die.If my Flame can never warm her,Lasting Beauty I'll adore;I shall never love her more,Cruelty will so deform her.
Lady Fan.Very well: This isHeartfree's Poetry without question.
Treb.Won't your Ladyship please to sing yourself this Morning?
Lady Fan.O Lord, Mr.Treble, my Cold is still so barbarous to refuse me that Pleasure! He, he, hem.
Treb.I'm very sorry for it, Madam: Methinks all Mankind should turn Physicians for the Cure on't.
Lady Fan.Why, truly, to give Mankind their due, there's few that know me but have offer'd their Remedy.
Treb.They have reason, Madam; for I know no body sings so near a Cherubim as your Ladyship.
Lady Fan.What I do, I owe chiefly to your Skill and Care, Mr.Treble. People do flatter me, indeed, that I have a Voice, and aJe-ne-sçai-quoyin the Conduct of it, that will make Musick of any thing. And truly I begin to believe so, since what happen'd t'other Night: Wou'd you think it, Mr.Treble? Walking pretty late in the Park, (for I often walk late in the Park, MrTreble) a Whim took me to singChevy Chase; and, wou'd you believe it? next Morning I had three Copies of Verses, and six Billet-doux at my Levée upon it.
Treb.And without all dispute you deserv'd as many more, Madam. Are there any further Commands for your Ladyship's humble Servant?
Lady Fan.Nothing more at this Time, Mr.Treble. But I shall expect you here every Morning for this Month, to sing my little Matter there to me. I'll reward you for your Pains.
Treb.O Lord, Madam——
Lady Fan.Good-morrow, sweet Mr.Treble.
Treb.Your Ladyship's most obedient Servant.
[ExitTreb.
Enter Servant.
Serv.Will your Ladyship please to dine yet?
Lady Fan.Yes, let 'em serve. [Exit Servant.] Sure thisHeartfreehas bewitch'd me,Madamoiselle. You can't imagine how oddly he mixt himself in my Thoughts during my Rapture e'en now. I vow 'tis a thousand Pities he is not more polish'd: Don't you think so?
Madam.Matam, I tink it so great pity, dat if I was in your Ladyship place, I take him home in my House, I lock him up in my Closet, and I never let him go till I teach him every ting dat fine Laty expect from fine Gentelman.
Lady Fan.Why, truly, I believe I shou'd soon subdue his Brutality; for without doubt, he has a strangePenchantto grow fond of me, in spite of his Aversion to the Sex, else he wou'd ne'er have taken so much Pains about me. Lord, how proud wou'd some poor Creatures be of such a Conquest! But I, alas! I don't know how to receive as a Favour what I take to be so infinitely my Due. But what shall I do to new-mould him,Madamoiselle? for till then he's my utter Aversion.
Madam.Matam; you must laugh at him in all de place dat you meet him, and turn into de reticule all he say, and all he do.
Lady Fan.Why, truly, Satire has ever been of wondrous use to reform Ill-manners. Besides, 'tis my particular Talent to ridicule Folks. I can be severe, strangely severe, when I will,Madamoiselle——Give me the Pen and Ink——I find myself whimsical——I'll write to him——Or I'll let it alone, and be severe upon him that way [Sitting down to write, rising up again.]—Yet Active Severity is better than Passive. [Sitting down.]——'Tis as good let it alone, too; for every Lash I give him, perhaps, he'll take for a Favour. [Rising.]——Yet 'tis a thousand pities so much Satire should be lost. [Sitting.]—— But if it shou'd have a wrong Effect upon him, 'twould distract me. [Rising.]——Well, I must write, tho', after all, [Sitting.]——Or I'll let it alone, which is the same thing. [Rising.]
Madam.La voilà determinée.
[Exeunt.