Sir John.Here, take away the Things; I expect Company. But first bring me a Pipe; I'll smoak.
[To a Servant.
Lady Brute.Lord, SirJohn, I wonder you won't leave that nasty Custom.
Sir John.Pr'ythee, don't be impertinent.
Bel.[To LadyBrute.] I wonder who those People are he expects this Afternoon?
Lady Brute.I'd give the World to know: Perhaps 'tisConstant—he comes here sometimes: if it does prove him, I'm resolv'd I'll share the Visit.
Bel.We'll send for our Work, and sit here.
Lady Brute.He'll choak us with his Tobacco.
Bel.Nothing will choak us when we are doing what we have a mind to.Lovewell!
EnterLovewell.
Lov.Madam.
Lady Brute.Here; bring my Cousin's Work and mine hither.
[ExitLov. and re-enters with their Work.
Sir John.Whu! Pox, can't you work somewhere else?
Lady Brute.We shall be careful not to disturb you, Sir.
Bel.Your Pipe would make you too thoughtful, Uncle, if you were left alone; our Prittle-prattle will cure your Spleen.
Sir John.Will it so, Mrs. Pert? Now I believe it will so increase it, [Sitting and smoaking.] I shall take my own House for a Paper-mill.
Lady Brute.[ToBel. aside.] Don't let's mind him; let him say what he will.
Sir John.A Woman's Tongue a Cure for the Spleen!—Oons—[Aside.] If a Man had got the Head-ach, they'd be for applying the same Remedy.
Lady Brute.You have done a great deal,Belinda, since yesterday.
Bel.Yes, I have work'd very hard; how do you like it?
Lady Brute.O, 'tis the prettiest Fringe in the World. Well, Cousin, you have the happiest Fancy: Pr'ythee, advise me about altering my Crimson Petticoat.
Sir John.A Pox o' your Petticoat! Here's such a Prating, a Man can't digest his own Thoughts for you.
Lady Brute.Don't answer him. [Aside.] Well, what do you advise me?
Bel.Why, really, I would not alter it at all. Methinks 'tis very pretty as it is.
Lady Brute.Ay, that's, true: But you know one grows weary of the prettiest things in the World, when one has had 'em long.
Sir John.Yes, I have taught her that.
Bel.Shall we provoke him a little?
Lady Brute.With all my Heart.Belinda, don't you long to be marry'd?
Bel.Why, there are some things in it I could like well enough.
Lady Brute.What do you think you shou'd dislike?
Bel.My Husband, a hundred to one else.
Lady Brute.O ye wicked Wretch! Sure you don't speak as you think?
Bel.Yes, I do: especially if he smoak'd Tobacco.
[He looks earnestly at 'em.
Lady Brute.Why, that many times takes off worse Smells.
Bel.Then he must smell very ill indeed.
Lady Brute.So some Men will, to keep their Wives from coming near 'em.
Bel.Then those Wives shou'd cuckold 'em at a distance.
He rises in a Fury, throws his Pipe at 'em, and drives 'em out. As they run off,ConstantandHeartfreeenter. LadyBruteruns againstConstant.
Sir John.. 'Oons, get you gone up Stairs, you confederating Strumpets you, o I'll cuckold you, with a Vengeance!
Lady Brute.O Lord, he'll beat us, he'll beat us. Dear, dear Mr.Constant, save us!
[Exeunt.
Sir John.I'll cuckold you, with a Pox.
Const.Heav'n! SirJohn, what's the matter?
Sir John.Sure, if Women had been ready created, the Devil, instead of being kick'd down into Hell, had been marry'd.
Heart.Why, what new Plague have you found now?
Sir John.Why, these two Gentlewomen did but hear me say, I expected you here this Afternoon; upon which they presently resolv'd to take up the Room, o' purpose to plague me and my Friends.
Const.Was that all? Why, we shou'd have been glad of their Company.
Sir John.Then I should have been weary of yours; for I can't relish both together. They found fault with my smoaking Tobacco, too; and said Men stunk. But I have a good mind—to say something.
Const.No, nothing against the Ladies, pray.
Sir John.Split the Ladies! Come, will you sit down? Give us some Wine, Fellow: You won't smoak?
Const.. No; nor drink, neither, at this time—I must ask your Pardon.
Sir John.What, this Mistress of yours runs in your Head! I'll warrant it's some such squeamish Minx as my Wife, that's grown so dainty of late, she finds fault even with a dirty Shirt.
Heart.That a Woman may do, and not be very dainty, neither.
Sir John.Pox o' the Women! let's drink. Come, youshall take one Glass, tho' I send for a Box of Lozenges to sweeten your Mouth after it.
Const.Nay, if one Glass will satisfy you, I'll drink it, without putting you to that Expence.
Sir John.Why, that's honest. Fill some Wine, Sirrah: So here's to you, Gentlemen—A Wife's the Devil. To your being both married.
[They drink.
Heart.O, your most humble Servant, Sir.
Sir John.Well, how do you like my Wine?
Const.'Tis very good, indeed.
Heart.'Tis admirable.
Sir John.Then give us t'other Glass.
Const.No, pray excuse us now: We'll come another time, and then we won't spare it.
Sir John.This one Glass, and no more: Come, it shall be your Mistress's Health: And that's a great Compliment from me, I assure you.
Const.And 'tis a very obliging one to me: So give us the Glasses.
Sir John.So: let her live—
[SirJohncoughs in the Glass.
Heart.And be kind.
Const.What's the matter? Does it go the wrong way?
Sir John.If I had Love enough to be jealous, I shou'd take this for an ill Omen: For I never drank my Wife's Health in my Life, but I puk'd in the Glass.
Const.O, she's too virtuous to make a reasonable Man jealous.
Sir John.Pox of her Virtue! If I cou'd but catch her Adulterating, I might be divorc'd from her by Law.
Heart.And so pay her a yearly Pension, to be a distinguish'd Cuckold.
Enter Servant.
Serv.Sir, there's my LordRake, ColonelBully, and some other Gentlemen at theBlue-Posts, desire your Company.
Sir John.Cod's so, we are to consult about playing the Devil to-night.
Heart.Well, we won't hinder Business.
Sir John.Methinks I don't know how to leave you, tho': But for once I must make bold. Or look you; may be the Conference mayn't last long: So, if you'll wait here half an hour, or an hour; if I don't come then—why, then—I won't come at all.
Heart.[ToConst.] A good modest Proposition, truly!
[Aside.
Const.But let's accept on't, however. Who knows what may happen?
Heart.Well, Sir, to shew you how fond we are of your Company, we'll expect your Return as long as we can.
Sir John.Nay, may be I mayn't stay at all. But Business, you know, must be done. So your Servant—Or hark you, if you have a mind to take a Frisk with us, I have an Interest with my Lord; I can easily introduce you.
Const.We are much beholden to you; but for my part, I'm engag'd another way.
Sir John.What! to your Mistress, I'll warrant. Pr'ythee, leave your nasty Punk to entertain herself with her own lewd Thoughts, and make one with us to-night.
Const.Sir, 'tis Business that is to employ me.
Heart.And me; and Business must be done, you know.
Sir John.Ay, Women's Business, tho' the World were consum'd for't.
[Exit SirJohn.
Const.Farewel, Beast! And now, my dear Friend, would my Mistress be but as complaisant as some Men's Wives, who think it a piece of good Breeding to receive the Visits of their Husband's Friends in his Absence!
Heart.Why, for your sake I could forgive her, tho' she should be so complaisant to receive something else in his Absence. But what way shall we invent to see her?
Const.O, ne'er hope it: Invention will prove as vain as Wishes.
Enter LadyBruteandBelinda.
Heart.What do you think now, Friend?
Const.I think I shall swoon.
Heart.I'll speak first, then, whilst you fetch breath.
Lady Brute.We think ourselves oblig'd, Gentlemen, to come and return you thanks for your Knight-Errantry. We were just upon being devour'd by the fiery Dragon.
Bel.Did not his Fumes almost knock you down, Gentlemen?
Heart.Truly, Ladies, we did undergo some Hardships; and should have done more, if some greater Heroes than ourselves, hard by, had not diverted him.
Const.Tho' I'm glad of the Service you are pleas'd to say we have done you, yet I'm sorry we could do it in no other way, than by making ourselves privy to what you would perhaps have kept a Secret.
Lady Brute.For SirJohn's part, I suppose he design'd it no Secret, since he made so much Noise. And for myself, truly I'm not much concern'd, since 'tis fallen only into this Gentleman's Hands and yours; who, I have many Reasons to believe, will neither interpret nor report any thing to my disadvantage.
Const.Your good Opinion, Madam, was what I fear'd I never could have merited.
Lady Brute.Your Fears were vain, then, Sir; for I'm just to every body.
Heart.Pr'ythee,Constant, what is't you do to get the Ladies good Opinions? for I'm a Novice at it.
Bel.Sir, will you give me leave to instruct you?
Heart.Yes, that I will, with all my Soul, Madam.
Bel.Why, then, you must never be slovenly, never be out of humour, fare well and cry Roast-meat, smoak Tobacco, nor drink but when you are dry.
Heart.That's hard.
Const.Nay, if you take his Bottle from him, you break his Heart, Madam.
Bel.Why, is it possible the Gentleman can love Drinking?
Heart.Only by way of Antidote.
Bel.Against what, pray?
Heart.Against Love, Madam.
Lady Brute.Are you afraid of being in Love, Sir?
Heart.I should, if there were any Danger of it.
Lady Brute.Pray why so?
Heart.Because I always had an Aversion to being us'd like a Dog.
Bel.Why, truly, Men in Love are seldom us'd better.
Lady Brute.But was you never in Love, Sir?
Heart.No, I thank Heav'n, Madam.
Bel.Pray, where got you your Learning, then?
Heart.From other People's Expence.
Bel.That's being a Spunger, Sir, which is scarce honest: If you'd buy some Experience with your own Money, as 'twould be fairlier got, so 'twould stick longer by you.
Enter Footman.
Foot.Madam, here's my LadyFancyfull, to wait upon your Ladyship.
Lady Brute.Shield me, kind Heaven! What an Inundation of Impertinence is here coming upon us!
Enter LadyFancyfull, who runs first to LadyBrute, then toBelinda, kissing 'em.
Lady Fan.My dear LadyBrute, and sweetBelinda, methinks 'tis an Age since I saw you.
Lady Brute.Yet 'tis but three Days; sure you have pass'd your time very ill, it seems so long to you.
Lady Fan.Why, really, to confess the truth to you, I am so everlastingly fatigu'd with the Addresses of unfortunate Gentlemen, that, were it not for the Extravagancy of the Example, I shou'd e'en tear out these wicked Eyes with my own Fingers, to make both myself and Mankind easy. What think you on't, Mr.Heartfree, for I take you to be my faithful Adviser?
Heart.Why, truly, Madam—I think—every Project that is for the good of Mankind ought to be encourag'd.
Lady Fan.Then I have your Consent, Sir?
Heart.To do whatever you please, Madam.
Lady Fan.You had a much more limited Complaisance this Morning, Sir. Would you believe it, Ladies? The Gentleman has been so exceeding generous, totell me of above fifty Faults, in less time than it was well possible for me to commit two of 'em.
Const.Why, truly, Madam, my Friend there is apt to be something familiar with the Ladies.
Lady Fan.He is, indeed, Sir; but he's wondrous charitable with it: He has had the Goodness to design a Reformation, even down to my Fingers-ends.——'Twas thus, I think, Sir, [Opening her fingers in an aukward manner.] you'd have had 'em stand—My Eyes, too, he did not like: How was't you wou'd have directed 'em? Thus, I think. [Staring at him.]—Then there was something amiss in my Gait, too: I don't know well how 'twas; but as I take it, he would have had me walk like him. Pray, Sir, do me the Favour to take a turn or two about the Room, that the Company may see you.—He's sullen, Ladies, and won't. But, to make short, and give you as true an Idea as I can of the matter, I think 'twas much about this Figure, in general, he would have moulded me to: But I was an obstinate Woman, and could not resolve to make myself Mistress of his Heart, by growing as aukward as his Fancy.
[She walks aukwardly about, staring and looking ungainly, then changes on a sudden to the Extremity of her usual Affectation.
Heart.. Just thus Women do, when they think we are in love with em, or when they are so with us.
[HereConstantand LadyBrutetalk together apart.
Lady Fan.'Twould, however, be less Vanity for me to conclude the former, than you the latter, Sir.
Heart.. Madam, all I shall presume to conclude, is, That if I wer in love, you'd find the means to make me soon weary on't.
Lady Fan.Not by Over-fondness, upon my Word, Sir. But pray let's stop here; for you are so much govern'd by Instinct, I know you'll grow brutish at last.
Bel.[Aside.] Now am I sure she's fond of him: I'll try to make her jealous. Well, for my part, I should be glad to find somebody would be so free with me, that I might know my Faults, and mend 'em.
Lady Fan.Then pray let me recommend this Gentleman to you: I have known him some time, and will be Surety for him, that upon a very limited Encouragement on your side, you shall find an extended Impudence on his.
Heart.I thank you, Madam, for your Recommendation: But hating Idleness, I'm unwilling to enter into a Place where I believe there would be nothing to do. I was fond of serving your Ladyship, because I knew you'd find me constant Employment.
Lady Fan.I told you he'd be rude,Belinda.
Bel.O, a little Bluntness is a sign of Honesty, which makes me always ready to pardon it. So, Sir, if you have no other Exceptions to my Service, but the fear of being idle in it, you may venture to lift yourself: I shall find you Work, I warrant you.
Heart.Upon those Terms I engage, Madam; and this (with your leave) I take for Earnest.
[Offering to kiss her Hand.
Bel.Hold there, Sir; I'm none of your Earnest-givers. But if I'm well serv'd, I give good Wages, and pay punctually.
[Heartf. andBel. seem to continue talking familiarly.
Lady Fan.[Aside.] I don't like this jesting between 'em—Methinks the Fool begins to look as if he were in earnest.——But then he must be a Fool, indeed.——Lard, what a Difference there is between me and her! [Looking atBel. scornfully.] How I shou'd despise such a Thing, if I were a Man!—--What a Nose she has!—What a Chin——What a Neck!—--Then her Eyes——And the worst kissing Lips in the Universe——No, no, he can never like her, that's positive——Yet I can't suffer 'em together any longer. Mr.Heartfree, do you know that you and I must have no Quarrel for all this? I can't forbear being a little severe now and then: But Women, you know, may be allowed any thing.
Heart.Up to a certain Age, Madam.
Lady Fan.Which I'm not yet past, I hope.
Heart.[Aside.] Nor never will, I dare swear.
Lady Fan.[To LadyBrute.] Come, Madam, will your Ladyship be Witness to our Reconciliation?
Lady Brute.You agree, then, at last?
Heart.[Slightingly.] We forgive.
Lady Fan.[Aside.] That was a cold, ill-natur'd Reply.
Lady Brute.Then there's no Challenges sent between you?
Heart.Not from me, I promise. [Aside toConstant.] But that's more than I'll do for her; for I know she can as well be damn'd as forbear writing to me.
Const.That I believe. But I think we had best be going, lest she should suspect something, and be malicious.
Heart.With all my heart.
Const.Ladies, we are your humble Servants. I see SirJohnis quite engag'd, 'twould be in vain to expect him. Come,Heartfree.
[Exit.
Heart.Ladies, your Servant. [ToBelinda.] I hope, Madam, you won't forget our Bargain; I'm to say what I please to you.
[ExitHeartfree.
Bel.Liberty of Speech entire, Sir.
Lady Fan.[Aside.] Very pretty truly—But how the Blockhead went out—languishing at her, and not a Look toward me!—Well, Churchmen may talk, but Miracles are not ceas'd. For 'tis more than natural, such a rude Fellow as he, and such a little Impertinent as she, should be capable of making a Woman of my Sphere uneasy. But I can bear her sight no longer——methinks she's grown ten times uglier thanCornet. I must home, and study Revenge. [To LadyBrute.] Madam, your humble Servant; I must take my leave.
Lady Brute.What, going already, Madam?
Lady Fan.I must beg you'll excuse me this once; for really I have eighteen Visits to return this Afternoon: So you see I'm importun'd by the Women as well as the Men.
Bel.[Aside.] And she's quits with them both.
Lady Fan.[Going.] Nay, you shan't go one Step out of the Room.
Lady Brute.Indeed I'll wait upon you down.
Lady Fan.No, sweet LadyBrute, you know I swoon at Ceremony.
Lady Brute.Pray give me leave.
Lady Fan.You know I won't.
Lady Brute.Indeed I must.
Lady Fan.Indeed you shan't.
Lady Brute.Indeed I will.
Lady Fan.. Indeed you shan't.
Lady Brute.Indeed I will.
Lady Fan.Indeed you shan't. Indeed, indeed, indeed you shan't.
[Exit LadyFan. running; they follow.
Re-enter LadyBrutesola.
This impertinent Woman has put me out of Humour for a Fortnight——What an agreeable Moment has her foolish Visit interrupted! Lord, how like a Torrent Love flows into the Heart, when once the Sluice of Desire is open'd! Good Gods! What a Pleasure there is in doing what we should not do!
Re-enterConstant.
Ha! here again?
Const.Tho' the renewing my Visit may seem a little irregular, I hope I shall obtain your Pardon for it, Madam, when you know I only left the Room, lest the Lady who was here should have been as malicious in her Remarks as she's foolish in her Conduct.
Lady Brute.He who has Discretion enough to be tender of a Woman's Reputation, carries a Virtue about him may atone for a great many Faults.
Const.If it has a Title to atone for any, its Pretensions must needs be strongest where the Crime is Love. I therefore hope I shall be forgiven the Attempt I have made upon your Heart, since my Enterprize has been a Secret to all the World but yourself.
Lady Brute.Secrecy, indeed, in Sins of this kind, is an Argument of weight to lessen the Punishment; but nothing's a Plea for a Pardon entire, without a sincere Repentance.
Const.If Sincerity in Repentance consists in Sorrow for offending, no Cloyster ever inclos'd so true a Penitent as I should be. But I hope it cannot be reckon'd an Offence to love where 'tis a Duty to adore.
Lady Brute.'Tis an Offence, a great one, where it would rob a Woman of all she ought to be ador'd for—her Virtue.
Const.Virtue?—Virtue, alas! is no more like the thing that's call'd so, than 'tis like Vice itself. Virtue consists in Goodness, Honour, Gratitude, Sincerity, and Pity; and not in peevish, snarling, strait-lac'd Chastity. True Virtue, wheresoever it moves, still carries an intrinsick Worth about it, and is in every Place, and in each Sex, of equal Value. So is not Continence, you see: That Phantom of Honour, which Men in every Age have so contemned, they have thrown it amongst the Women to scrabble for.
Lady Brute.If it be a thing of so little Value, why do you so earnestly recommend it to your Wives and Daughters?
Const.We recommend it to our Wives, Madam, because we wou'd keep 'em to ourselves; and to our Daughters, because we wou'd dispose of 'em to others.
Lady Brute.'Tis then, of some Importance, it seems, since you can't dispose of them without it.
Const.That Importance, Madam, lies in the Humour of the Country, not in the Nature of the Thing.
Lady Brute.How do you prove that, Sir?
Const.From the Wisdom of a neighbouring Nation in a contrary Practice. In Monarchies, things go by Whimsy; but Commonwealths weigh all things in the Scale of Reason.
Lady Brute.I hope we are not so very light a People, to bring up Fashions without some ground.
Const.Pray what does your Ladyship think of a powder'd Coat for deep Mourning?
Lady Brute.I think, Sir, your Sophistry has all the effect that you can reasonably expect it should have; it puzzles, but don't convince.
Const.I'm sorry for it.
Lady Brute.I'm sorry to hear you say so.
Const.Pray why?
Lady Brute.Because, if you expected more from it, you have a worse Opinion of my Understanding than I desire you should have.
Const.[Aside.] I comprehend her: She would have me set a Value upon her Chastity, that I might think myself the more oblig'd to her when she makes me a Present of it. [To her.] I beg you will believe I did but rally, Madam; I know you judge too well of Right and Wrong, to be deceiv'd by Arguments like those. I hope you'll have so favourable an Opinion of my Understanding too, to believe the thing call'd Virtue has Worth enough with me, to pass for an eternal Obligation where'er 'tis sacrific'd.
Lady Brute.It is, I think, so great a one as nothing can repay.
Const.Yes; the making the Man you love your everlasting Debtor.
Lady Brute.When Debtors once have borrow'd all we have to lend, they are very apt to grow shy of their Creditors' Company.
Const.That, Madam, is only when they are forc'd to borrow of Usurers, and not of a generous Friend. Let us choose our Creditors, and we are seldom so ungrateful to shun 'em.
Lady Brute.What think you of SirJohn, Sir? I was his free Choice.
Const.I think he's married, Madam.
Lady Brute.Does Marriage, then, exclude Men from your Rule of Constancy?
Const.It does. Constancy's a brave, free, haughty, generous Agent, that cannot buckle to the Chains of Wedlock. There's a poor sordid Slavery in Marriage, that turns the flowing Tide of Honour, and sinks us to the lowest Ebb of Infamy. 'Tis a corrupted Soil: Ill-Nature, Avarice, Sloth, Cowardice, and Dirt, are all its Product.
Lady Brute.Have you no Exceptions to this general Rule, as well as to t'other?
Const.Yes; I would, after all, be an Exception to it myself, if you were free in Power and Will to make me so.
Lady Brute.Compliments are well plac'd where 'tis impossible to lay hold on 'em.
Const.I wou'd to Heaven 'twere possible for you to lay hold on mine, that you might see it is no Compliment at all. But since you are already dispos'd of, beyond Redemption, to one who does not know the Value of the Jewel you have put into his Hands, I hope you wou'd not think him greatly wrong'd, tho' it should sometimes be look'd on by a Friend, who knows how to esteem it as he ought.
Lady Brute.If looking on't alone wou'd serve his turn, the Wrong, perhaps, might not be very great.
Const.Why, what if he shou'd wear it now and then a Day, so he gave good Security to bring it home again at Night?
Lady Brute.Small Security, I fancy, might serve for that. One might venture to take his Word.
Const.Then, where's the Injury to the Owner?
Lady Brute.'Tis an Injury to him, if he think it one. For if Happiness be seated in the Mind, Unhappiness must be so too.
Const.Here I close with you, Madam, and draw my conclusive Argument from your own Position: If the Injury lie in the Fancy, there needs nothing but Secrecy to prevent the Wrong.
Lady Brute.[Going.] A surer way to prevent it, is to hear no more Arguments in its behalf.
Const.[Following her.] But, Madam——
Lady Brute.But, Sir, 'tis my turn to be discreet now, and not suffer too long a Visit.
Const.[Catching her Hand.] By Heaven, you shall not stir, till you give me hopes that I shall see you again at some more convenient Time and Place!
Lady Brute.I give you just hopes enough——[Breaking from him.] to get loose from you: and that's all I can afford you at this time.
[Exit running.
Constantsolus.
Now, by all that's great and good, she is a charming Woman! In what Extasy of Joy she has left me! For she gave me Hope, did she not say she gave me Hope?—Hope! Ay: what Hope? Enough to make me let her go—Why, that's enough in Conscience. Or, no matter how 'twas spoke: Hope was the Word: it came from her, and it was said to me.
EnterHeartfree.
Ha,Heartfree! Thou hast done me noble Service in prattling to the young Gentlewoman without there; come to my Arms, thou venerable Bawd, and let me squeeze thee [Embracing him eagerly.] as a new Pair of Stays does a fat Country Girl, when she's carried to Court to stand for a Maid of Honour.
Heart.Why, what the Devil's all this Rapture for?
Const.Rapture! There's ground for Rapture, Man; there's Hopes, myHeartfree, Hopes, my Friend!
Heart.Hopes! of what?
Const.Why, Hopes that my Lady and I together (for 'tis more than one Body's Work) should make SirJohna Cuckold.
Heart.Pr'ythee, what did she say to thee?
Const.Say? What did she not say? She said that——says she—she said—Zoons, I don't know what she said; but she look'd as if she said every thing I'd have her. And so, if thou'lt go to the Tavern, I'll treat thee with any thing that Gold can buy; I'll give all my Silver amongst the Drawers, make a Bonfire before the Door; say the Plenipo's have sign'd the Peace, and the Bank ofEngland's grown honest.
[Exeunt.
All.Huzza!
Lord Rake.Come, Boys, charge again——So—Confusion to all Order! Here's Liberty of Conscience.
All.Huzza!
Lord Rake.I'll sing you a Song I made this Morning to this purpose.
Sir John.'Tis wicked, I hope.
Col. Bully.Don't my Lord tell you he made it?
Sir John.Well, then, let's ha't.
LordRakeSings.
I.What a Pother of lateHave they kept in the State,About setting our Consciences free!A Bottle has moreDispensations in store,Than the King and the State can decree.II.When my Head's full of Wine,I o'erflow with Design,And know noPenal-Lawsthat can curb me:Whate'er I deviseSeems good in my Eyes,And Religion ne'er dares to disturb me.III.No saucy RemorseIntrudes in my Course,Nor impertinent Notions of Evil;So there's Claret in store,In Peace I've my Whore,And in Peace I jog on to the Devil.All sing.So there's Claret, &c.
I.
What a Pother of lateHave they kept in the State,About setting our Consciences free!A Bottle has moreDispensations in store,Than the King and the State can decree.
II.
When my Head's full of Wine,I o'erflow with Design,And know noPenal-Lawsthat can curb me:Whate'er I deviseSeems good in my Eyes,And Religion ne'er dares to disturb me.
III.
No saucy RemorseIntrudes in my Course,Nor impertinent Notions of Evil;So there's Claret in store,In Peace I've my Whore,And in Peace I jog on to the Devil.
All sing.So there's Claret, &c.
Lord Rake.[Rep.]And in Peace I jog on to the Devil.Well, how do you like it, Gentlemen?
All.O, admirable!
Sir John.I would not give a Fig for a Song that is not full of Sin and Impudence.
Lord Rake.Then my Muse is to your Taste. But drink away; the Night steals upon us; we shall want Time to be lewd in. Hey, Page! Sally out, Sirrah, and see what's doing in the Camp; we'll beat up their Quarters presently.
Page.I'll bring your Lordship an exact Account.
[Exit Page.
Lord Rake.. Now let the Spirit of Clary go round. Fill me a Brimmer Here's to our Forlorn Hope. Courage, Knight, Victory attends you.
Sir John.And Laurels shall crown me; drink away, and be damn'd.
Lord Rake.Again, Boys; t'other Glass, and damn Morality.
Sir John.[Drunk.] Ay—damn Morality—and damn the Watch. And let the Constable be married.
All.Huzza!
Re-enter Page.
Lord Rake.How are the Streets inhabited, Sirrah?
Page.My Lord, 'tis Sunday-night; they are full of drunken Citizens.
Lord Rake.Along, then, Boys, we shall have a Feast.
Col. Bully.Along, noble Knight.
Sir John.Ay——along,Bully; and he that says SirJohn Bruteis not as drunk and as religious as the drunkenest Citizen of them all—is a Liar, and the Son of a Whore.
Col. Bully.Why, that was bravely spoke, and like a free-bornEnglishman.
Sir John.What's that to you, Sir, whether I am anEnglishmanor aFrenchman?
Col. Bully.Zoons, you are not angry, Sir?
Sir John.Zoons, I am angry, Sir——for if I'm a free-bornEnglishman, what have you to do even to talk of my Privileges?
Lord Rake.Why, pr'ythee, Knight, don't quarrel here; leave private Animosities to be decided by Day-light; let the Night be employ'd against the publick Enemy.
Sir John.My Lord, I respect you because you are a Man of Quality. But I'll make that Fellow know, I am within a Hair's breadth as absolute by my Privileges, as the King ofFranceis by his Prerogative. He by his Prerogative takes Money where it is not his due; I by my Privilege refuse paying it where I owe it. Liberty and Property, andOld England, Huzza!
All.Huzza!
[Exit SirJohnreeling, all following him.
EnterLady BruteandBelinda.
Lady Brute.Sure 'tis late,Belinda; I begin to be sleepy.
Bel.Yes, 'tis near Twelve. Will you go to Bed?
Lady Brute.To Bed, my Dear? And by that time I am fallen into a sweet Sleep (or perhaps a sweet Dream, which is better and better) SirJohnwill come home roaring drunk, and be overjoy'd he finds me in a Condition to be disturb'd.
Bel.O, you need not fear him; he's in for all Night. The Servants say he's gone to drink with my LordRake.
Lady Brute.Nay, 'tis not very likely, indeed, such suitable Company should part presently. What Hogs Men turn,Belinda, when they grow weary of Women!
Bel.And what Owls they are, whilst they are fond of 'em!
Lady Brute.But That we may forgive well enough, because they are so upon our accounts.
Bel.We ought to do so, indeed; but 'tis a hard matter. For when a Man is really in love, he looks so unsufferably silly, that tho' a Woman lik'd him well enough before, she has then much ado to endure the Sight of him: And this I take to be the Reason why Lovers are so generally ill-us'd.
Lady Brute.Well, I own, now, I'm well enough pleased to see a Man look like an Ass for me.
Bel.Ay, I'm pleas'd he should look like an Ass, too;—that is, I'm pleased with myself for making him look so.
Lady Brute.Nay, truly, I think if he'd find some other way to express his Passion, 'twould be more to his advantage.
Bel.Yes; for then a Woman might like his Passion and him too.
Lady Brute.Yet,Belinda, after all, a Woman's Lifewould be but a dull Business, if it were not for Men; and Men that can look like Asses, too. We shou'd never blame Fate for the shortness of our Days; our Time would hang wretchedly upon our Hands.
Bel.Why, truly, they do help us off with a good share on't: For were there no Men in the World, o'my Conscience, I shou'd be no longer a-dressing than I'm a-saying my Prayers; nay, tho' it were Sunday: For you know that one may go to Church without Stays on.
Lady Brute.But don't you think Emulation might do something? For every Woman you see desires to be finer than her Neighbour.
Bel.That's only that the Men may like her better than her Neighbour. No, if there were no Men, adieu fine Petticoats, we should be weary of wearing 'em.
Lady Brute.And adieu Plays, we should be weary of seeing 'em.
Bel.AdieuHyde Park, the Dust would choak us.
Lady Brute.AdieuSt. James's, walking would tire us.
Bel.AdieuLondon, the Smoke would stifle us.
Lady Brute.And adieu going to Church, for Religion wou'd ne'er prevail with us.
Both.Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
Bel.Our Confession is so very hearty, sure we merit Absolution.
Lady Brute.Not unless we go thro' with't, and confess all. So, pr'ythee, for the Ease of our Consciences, let's hide nothing.
Bel.Agreed.
Lady Brute.Why, then, I confess, that I love to sit in the Fore-front of a Box; for if one sits behind, there's two Acts gone, perhaps, before one's found out. And when I am there, if I perceive the Men whispering and looking upon me, you must know I cannot for my Life forbear thinking they talk to my Advantage; and that sets a thousand little tickling Vanities on foot——
Bel.Just my Case, for all the World; but go on.
Lady Brute.I watch with Impatience for the next Jest in the Play, that I might laugh, and shew my white Teeth. If the Poet has been dull, and the Jest be longa-coming, I pretend to whisper one to my Friend, and from thence fall into a little small Discourse, in which I take occasion to shew my Face in all Humours, brisk, pleas'd, serious, melancholy, languishing——Not that what we say to one another causes any of these alterations. But——
Bel.Don't trouble yourself to explain. For if I'm not mistaken, you and I have had some of these necessary Dialogues before now with the same Intention.
Lady Brute.Why, I swear,Belinda, some People do give strange agreeable Airs to their Faces in speaking. Tell me true—Did you never practise in the Glass?
Bel.Why, did you?
Lady Brute.Yes, 'faith, many a time.
Bel.And I too, I own it; both how to speak myself, and how to look when others speak. But my Glass and I could never yet agree what Face I should make when they come blunt out with a nasty thing in a Play: For all the Men presently look upon the Women, that's certain: so laugh we must not, tho' our Stays burst for't, because that's telling Truth, and owning we understand the Jest. And to look serious is so dull, when the whole House is a laughing—
Lady Brute.Besides, that looking serious does really betray our Knowledge in the matter, as much as laughing with the Company would do: For if we did not understand the thing, we shou'd naturally do like other People.
Bel.For my part, I always take that occasion to blow my Nose.
Lady Brute.You must blow your Nose half off, then, at some Plays.
Bel.Why don't some Reformer or other be at the Poet for't?
Lady Brute.Because he is not so sure of our private Approbation, as of our publick Thanks. Well, sure there is not upon Earth so impertinent a thing as Women's Modesty.
Bel.Yes: Men's Fantasque, that obliges us to it. If we quit our Modesty, they say we lose our Charms:and yet they know that very Modesty is Affectation, and rail at our Hypocrisy.
Lady Brute.Thus, one would think 'twere a hard matter to please 'em, Niece; yet our kind Mother Nature has given us something that makes amends for all. Let our Weakness be what it will, Mankind will still be weaker; and whilst there is a World, 'tis Woman that will govern it. But, pr'ythee, one Word of poorConstantbefore we go to bed, if it be but to furnish matter for Dreams: I dare swear he's talking of me now, or thinking of me at least, tho' it be in the middle of his Prayers.
Bel.So he ought, I think; for you were pleas'd to make him a good round Advance to-day, Madam.
Lady Brute.Why, I have e'en plagu'd him enough to satisfy any reasonable Woman: He has besieg'd me these two Years, to no purpose.
Bel.And if he besieg'd you two Years more, he'd be well enough pay'd, so he had the plundering of you at last.
Lady Brute.That may be; but I'm afraid the Town won't be able to hold out much longer: for to confess the Truth to you,Belinda, the Garrison begins to grow mutinous.
Bel.Then the sooner you capitulate, the better.
Lady Brute.Yet, methinks, I wou'd fain stay a little longer to see you fix'd too, that we might start together, and see who cou'd love longest. What think you, ifHeartfreeshou'd have a Month's Mind to you?
Bel.Why, 'faith, I cou'd almost be in love with him for despising that foolish, affected LadyFancyfull; but I'm afraid he's too cold ever to warm himself by my Fire.
Lady Brute.Then he deserves to be froze to death. Wou'd I were a Man for your sake, dear Rogue! [Kissing her.]
Bel.You'd wish yourself a Woman again for your own, or the Men are mistaken. But if I cou'd make a Conquest of this Son ofBacchus, and rival his Bottle, what shou'd I do with him? He has no Fortune, I can't marry him: and sure you wou'd not have me commit Fornication?
Lady Brute.Why, if you did, Child, 'twould be but a good friendly part; if 'twere only to keep me in countenance whilst I commit—you know what.
Bel.Well, if I can't resolve to serve you that way, I may perhaps some other, as much to your Satisfaction. But pray how shall we contrive to see these Blades again quickly?
Lady Brute.We must e'en have recourse to the old way; make 'em an Appointment 'twixt Jest and Earnest; 'twill look like a Frolick, and that you know 's a very good thing to save a Woman's Blushes.
Bel.You advise well; but where shall it be?
Lady Brute.InSpring Garden. But they shan't know their Women, till their Women pull off their Masks; for a Surprize is the most agreeable thing in the World: And I find myself in a very good Humour, ready to do 'em any good turn I can think on.
Bel.Then pray write 'em the necessary Billet, without farther delay.
Lady Brute.Let's go into your Chamber, then, and whilst you say your Prayers I'll do it, Child.
[Exeunt.