EnterCoupler,Young Fashion, andLory.
Coup.Well, and so SirJohncoming in—
Young Fash.And so SirJohncoming in, I thought it might be Manners in me to go out, which I did, and getting on Horseback as fast as I cou'd, rid away as if the Devil had been at the Rear of me; what has happen'd since, Heav'n knows.
Coup.I'gad, Sirrah, I know as well as Heaven.
Young Fash.What do you know?
Coup.That you are a Cuckold.
Young Fash.The Devil I am! By who?
Coup.By your Brother.
Young Fash.My Brother! which way?
Coup.The old way, he has lain with your Wife.
Young Fash.Hell and Furies, what dost thou mean?
Coup.I mean plainly, I speak no Parable.
Young Fash.Plainly! Thou dost not speak common Sense, I cannot understand one Word thou sayst.
Coup.You will do soon, Youngster. In short, you left your Wife a Widow, and she married again.
Young Fash.It's a Lye.
Coup.——I'cod, if I were a young Fellow, I'd break your Head, Sirrah.
Young Fash.Dear Dad, don't be angry, for I'm as mad asTomofBedlam.
Coup.When I had fitted you with a Wife, you shou'd have kept her.
Young Fash.But is it possible the young Strumpet cou'd play such a Trick?
Coup.A young Strumpet, Sir——can play twenty Tricks.
Young Fash.But pr'ythee instruct me a little farther; whence comes thy Intelligence!
Coup.From your Brother, in this Letter; there, you may read it.
[Young Fashionreads.
DearCoupler,[Pulling off his Hat,]IHave only time to tell thee in three Lines, or thereabouts, that here has been the Devil! That RascalTam, having stole the Letter thou hadst formerly writ for me to bring to SirTunbelly, form'd a damnable Design upon my Mistress, and was in a fair way of Success when I arriv'd. But after having suffer'd some Indignities (in which I have all daub'd my embroider'd Coat) I put him to flight. I sent out a Party of Horse after him, in hopes to have made him my Prisoner, which if I had done, I would have qualified him for the Seraglio, stap my Vitals. The Danger I have thus narrowly 'scap'd, has made me fortify myself against further Attempts, by entering immediately into an Association with the young Lady, by which we engage to stand by one another, as long as we both shall live. In short, the Papers are seal'd, and the Contract is sign'd, so the Business of the Lawyer isachevé; but I defer the divine part of the thing till I arrive atLondon, not being willing to consummate in any other Bed but my own.Postscript,'Tis possible I may be in the Tawn as soon as this Letter; for I find the Lady is so violently in love with me, I have determin'd to make her happy with all the Dispatch that is practicable, without disardering my Coach Harses.
DearCoupler,
[Pulling off his Hat,]IHave only time to tell thee in three Lines, or thereabouts, that here has been the Devil! That RascalTam, having stole the Letter thou hadst formerly writ for me to bring to SirTunbelly, form'd a damnable Design upon my Mistress, and was in a fair way of Success when I arriv'd. But after having suffer'd some Indignities (in which I have all daub'd my embroider'd Coat) I put him to flight. I sent out a Party of Horse after him, in hopes to have made him my Prisoner, which if I had done, I would have qualified him for the Seraglio, stap my Vitals. The Danger I have thus narrowly 'scap'd, has made me fortify myself against further Attempts, by entering immediately into an Association with the young Lady, by which we engage to stand by one another, as long as we both shall live. In short, the Papers are seal'd, and the Contract is sign'd, so the Business of the Lawyer isachevé; but I defer the divine part of the thing till I arrive atLondon, not being willing to consummate in any other Bed but my own.
Postscript,
'Tis possible I may be in the Tawn as soon as this Letter; for I find the Lady is so violently in love with me, I have determin'd to make her happy with all the Dispatch that is practicable, without disardering my Coach Harses.
So, here's rare Work, I'faith!
Lo.I'gad, MissHoydenhas laid about her bravely.
Coup.I think my Country-Girl has play'd her part, as well as if she had been born and bred in St.James's Parish.
Young Fash.——That Rogue the Chaplain.
Lo.And then that Jade the Nurse, Sir.
Young Fash.And then that drunken Sot,Lory, Sir; that cou'd not keep himself sober to be a Witness to the Marriage.
Lo.Sir——with respect——I know very few drunken Sots that do keep themselves sober.
Young Fash.Hold your prating, Sirrah, or I'll break your Head; dearCoupler, what's to be done?
Coup.Nothing's to be done till the Bride and Bridegroom come to Town.
Young Fash.Bride and Bridegroom! Death and Furies! I can't bear that thou shouldst call them so.
Coup.Why, what shall I call them, Dog and Cat?
Young Fash.Not for the World, that sounds more like Man and Wife than t'other.
Coup.Well, if you'll hear of them in no Language, we'll leave them for the Nurse and the Chaplain.
Young Fash.The Devil and the Witch.
Coup.When they come to Town——
Lo.We shall have stormy Weather.
Coup.Will you hold your tongues, Gentlemen, or not?
Lo.Mum.
Coup.I say when they, come, we must find what Stuff they are made of, whether the Churchman be chiefly compos'd of the Flesh, or the Spirit; I presume the former——For as Chaplains now go, 'tis probable he eats three Pound of Beef to the reading one Chapter——This gives him carnal Desires, he wants Money, Preferment, Wine, a Whore; therefore we must invite him to Supper, give him fat Capons, Sack and Sugar, a Purse of Gold, and a Plump Sister. Let this be done, and I'll warrant thee, my Boy, he speaks Truth like an Oracle.
Young Fash.Thou art a profound Statesman, I allow it; but how shall we gain the Nurse?
Coup.O never fear the Nurse, if once you have got the Priest, for the Devil always rides the Hag. Well, there's nothing more to be said of the Matter at this time, that I know of; so let us go and enquire, if there's any News of our People yet, perhaps they may be come. But let me tell you one thing by the way, Sirrah, I doubt you have been an idle Fellow; if thou hadst behav'd thyself as thou shoud'st have done, the Girl wou'd never have left thee.
[Exeunt.
Enter herMaid, passing the Stage, follow'd byWorthy.
Wor.Hem, Mrs.Abigail, is your Mistress to be spoken with?
Ab.By you, Sir, I believe she may.
Wor.Why 'tis by me I wou'd have her spoken with.
Ab.I'll acquaint her, Sir.
[ExitAb.
Worthysolus.
One Lift more I must persuade her to give me, and then I'm mounted. Well, a young Bawd, and a handsome one for my Money, 'tis they do the Execution; I'll never go to an old one, but when I have occasion for a Witch. Lewdness looks heavenly to a Woman, when an Angel appears in its Cause; but when a Hag is Advocate, she thinks it comes from the Devil. An old Woman has something so terrible in her Looks, that whilst she is persuading your Mistress to forget she has a Soul, she stares Hell and Damnation full in her Face.
EnterBerinthia.
Ber.Well, Sir, what News bring you?
Wor.No News, Madam, there's a Woman going to cuckold her Husband.
Ber.Amanda?
Wor.I hope so.
Ber.Speed her well.
Wor.Ay, but there must be a more than a God-speed, or your Charity won't be worth a Farthing.
Ber.Why, han't I done enough already?
Wor.Not quite.
Ber.What's the matter?
Wor.The Lady has a Scruple still which you must remove.
Ber.What's that?
Wor.Her Virtue——she says.
Ber.And do you believe her?
Wor.No, but I believe it's what she takes for her Virtue; it's some Relicks of lawful Love: she is not yet fully satisfy'd her Husband has got another Mistress, which unless I can convince her of, I have opened the Trenches in vain; for the Breach must be wider, before I dare storm the Town.
Ber.And so I'm to be your Engineer!
Wor.I'm sure you know best how to manage the Battery.
Ber.What think you of springing a Mine? I have a Thought just now come into my Head, how to blow her up at once.
Wor.That would be a Thought, indeed!
Ber.——Faith, I'll do't, and thus the Execution of it shall be. We are all invited to my LordFoppington's to-night to Supper, he's come to Town with his Bride, and maketh a Ball, with an Entertainment of Musick. Now you must know, my Undoer here,Loveless, says he must needs meet me about some private Business (I don't know what 'tis) before we go to the Company. To which end he has told his Wife one Lye, and I have told her another. But to make her amends, I'll go immediately, and tell her a solemn Truth.
Wor.What's that?
Ber.Why, I'll tell her, that to my certain Knowledge her Husband has a Rendezvous with his Mistress this Afternoon; and that if she'll give me her Word, she will be satisfy'd with the Discovery, without making any violent Inquiry after the Woman, I'll direct her to a Place, where she shall see them meet.—Now, Friend, this I fancy may help you to a critical Minute. For home she must go again to dress. You, with your good-breeding, come to wait upon us to the Ball, find her all alone, her Spirit enflam'd against her Husband for his Treason, and her Flesh in a Heat from some Contemplations upon the Treachery, her Blood on a Fire, her Conscience in ice; a Lover to draw, and the Devil to drive——Ah, poorAmanda!
Wor.[Kneeling.] Thou Angel of Light, let me fall down and adore thee!
Ber.Thou Minister of Darkness, get up again, for I hate to see the Devil at his Devotions.
Wor.Well, my incomparableBerinthia——How shall I requite you——
Ber.O ne'er trouble yourself about that: Virtue is its own Reward: There's a Pleasure in doing good, which sufficiently pays itself. Adieu.
Wor.Farewel, thou best of Women.
[Exeunt several ways.
EnterAmanda, meetingBerinthia.
Aman.Who was that went from you?
Ber.A Friend of yours.
Aman.What does he want?
Ber.Something you might spare him, and be ne'er the poorer.
Aman.I can spare him nothing but my Friendship; my Love already's all dispos'd of: Tho', I confess, to one ungrateful to my Bounty.
Ber.Why there's the Mystery! You have been so bountiful, you have cloy'd him. Fond Wives do by their Husbands, as barren Wives do by their Lap-Dogs; cram them with Sweetmeats till they spoil their Stomachs.
Aman.Alas! Had you but seen how passionately fond he has been since our last Reconciliation, you wou'd have thought it were impossible he ever should have breath'd an Hour without me.
Ber.Ay but there you thought wrong again,Amanda; you shou'd consider, that in Matters of Love Men's Eyes are always bigger than their Bellies. They have violent Appetites, 'tis true, but they have soon din'd.
Aman.Well; there's nothing upon Earth astonishes me more than Men's Inconstancy.
Ber.Now there's nothing upon Earth astonishes me less, when I consider what they and we are compos'd of. For Nature has made them Children, and us Babies. Now,Amanda, how we us'd our Babies, you may remember. We were mad to have them, as soon as we saw them; kiss'd them to pieces, as soon as we got them; thenpull'd off their Clothes, saw them naked, and so threw them away.
Aman.But do you think all Men are of this Temper?
Ber.All but one.
Aman.Who's that?
Ber.Worthy.
Aman.Why, he's weary of his Wife too, you see.
Ber.Ay, that's no Proof.
Aman.What can be a greater?
Ber.Being weary of his Mistress.
Aman.Don't you think 'twere possible he might give you that too?
Ber.Perhaps he might, if he were my Gallant; not if he were your's.
Aman.Why do you think he shou'd be more constant to me, than he wou'd to you? I'm sure I'm not so handsome.
Ber.Kissing goes by Favour; he likes you best.
Aman.Suppose he does; That's no Demonstration he wou'd be constant to me.
Ber.No, that I'll grant you: But there are other Reasons to expect it; for you must know after all,Amanda, the Inconstancy we commonly see in Men of Brains, does not so much proceed from the Uncertainty of their Temper, as from the Misfortunes of their Love. A Man sees, perhaps, an hundred Women he likes well enough for an Intrigue, and away; but possibly, thro' the whole Course of his Life, does not find above one, who is exactly what he could wish her: now her, 'tis a thousand to one, he never gets. Either she is not to be had at all (tho' that seldom happens, you'll say) or he wants those Opportunities that are necessary to gain her; either she likes somebody else much better than him, or uses him like a Dog, because he likes no body so well as her. Still something or other Fate claps in the way between them and the Woman they are capable of being fond of. And this makes them wander about from Mistress to Mistress, like a Pilgrim from Town to Town, who every Night must have a fresh lodging, and 's in haste to be gone in the Morning.
Aman.Tis possible there may be something in what you say; but what do you infer from it, as to the Man we were talking of?
Ber.Why, I infer, that you being the Woman in the World the most to his Humour, 'tis not likely he would quit you for one that is less.
Aman.That is not to be depended upon, for you see Mr.Lovelessdoes so.
Ber.What does Mr.Lovelessdo?
Aman.Why, he runs after something for Variety, I'm sure he does not like so well as he does me.
Ber.That's more than you know, Madam.
Aman.No, I'm sure on't: I am not very vain,Berinthia; and yet I'll lay my Life, if I could look into his Heart, he thinks I deserve to be prefer'd to a thousand of her.
Ber.Don't be too positive in that neither: A Million to one, but she has the same Opinion of you. What wou'd you give to see her?
Aman.Hang her, dirty Trull; tho' I really believe she's so ugly, she'd cure me of my Jealousy.
Ber.All the Men of Sense about Town say she's handsome.
Aman.They are as often out in those things as any People.
Ber.Then I'll give you further Proof——all the Women about Town say, she's a Fool: Now I hope you are convinc'd?
Aman.Whate'er she be, I'm satisfy'd he does not like her well enough to bestow any thing more than a little outward Gallantry upon her.
Ber.Outward Gallantry!—--[Aside.] I can't bear this. [To Aman.] Don't you think she's a Woman to be fobb'd off so. Come, I'm too much your Friend, to suffer you should be thus grossly impos'd upon, by a Man who does not deserve the least part about you, unless he knew how to set a greater Value upon it. Therefore in one word, to my certain knowledge, he is to meet her now, within a quarter of an Hour, somewhere about thatBabylonof Wickedness,Whitehall. And if you'll giveme your Word that you'll be content with seeing her mask'd in his Hand, without pulling her Headclothes off, I'll step immediately to the Person, from whom I have my Intelligence, and send you word whereabouts you may stand to see 'em meet. My Friend and I'll watch 'em from another place, and dodge 'em to their private Lodging: But don't you offer to follow 'em, lest you do it awkwardly, and spoil all. I'll come home to you again, as soon as I have earth'd 'em, and give you an account in what corner of the House the Scene of their Lewdness lies.
Aman.If you can do this,Berinthia, he's a Villain.
Ber.I can't help that, Men will be so.
Aman.Well! I'll follow your Directions; for I shall never rest till I know the worst of this matter.
Ber.Pray, go immediately, and get yourself ready then. Put on some of your Woman's Clothes, a great Scarf and a Mask, and you shall presently receive Orders. [Calls within.] Here, who's there? get me a Chair quickly.
Serv.There are Chairs at the Door, Madam.
Ber.'Tis well, I'm coming.
Aman.But pray,Berinthia, before you go, tell me how I may know this filthy Thing, if she would be so forward (as I suppose she will) to come to the Rendezvous first; for, methinks, I would fain view her a little.
Ber.Why, she's about my heighth; and very well shap'd.
Aman.I thought she had been a little crooked?
Ber.O no, she's as straight as I am. But we lose time, come away.
[Exeunt.
EnterYoung Fashion, meetingLory.
Young Fash.Well, will the Doctor come?
Lo.Sir, I sent a Porter to him as you order'd me. He found him with a Pipe of Tobacco and a great Tankard of Ale, which he said he wou'd dispatch while I cou'd tell three, and be here.
Young Fash.He does not suspect 'twas I that sent for him?
Lo.Not a Jot, Sir, he divines as little for himself, as he does for other Folks.
Young Fash.Will he bring Nurse with him?
Lo.Yes.
Young Fash.That's well; where'sCoupler?
Lo.He's half way up the Stairs taking Breath; he must play his Bellows a little, before he can get to the top.
EnterCoupler.
Young Fash.O here he is. Well, old Phthisick, the Doctor's coming.
Coup.Wou'd the Pox had the Doctor——I'm quite out of Wind [To Lo.] Set me a Chair, Sirrah. Ah——[Sits down.] [To Young Fash.] Why the Plague can'st not thou lodge upon the Ground-Floor?
Young Fash.Because I love to lie as near Heaven as I can.
Coup.Pr'ythee let Heaven alone; ne'er affect tending that way: Thy Center's downwards.
Young Fash. That's impossible. I have too much ill Luck in this World, to be damn'd in the next.
Coup.Thou art out in thy Logick. Thy Major is true, but thy Minor is false; for thou art the luckiest Fellow in the Universe.
Young Fash. Make out that.
Coup.I'll do't: Last Night the Devil ran away with the Parson ofFat-gooseLiving.
Young Fash.If he had run away with the Parish too, what's that to me?
Coup.I'll tell thee what it's to thee. This Living is worth five hundred Pound a-year, and the Presentation of it is thine, if thou can'st prove thyself a lawful Husband to MissHoyden.
Young Fash.Say'st thou so, my Protector! then I'gad I shall have a Brace of Evidences here presently.
Coup.The Nurse and the Doctor?
Young Fash.The same: The Devil himself won't have Interest enough to make them withstand it.
Coup.That we shall see presently: Here they come.
EnterNurseandChaplain; they start back, seeingYoung Fashion.
Nurse.Ah Goodness,Roger, we are betray'd.
Young Fash.[Laying hold on them.] Nay, nay, ne'er flinch for the matter; for I have you safe. Come to your Trials immediately; I have no time to give you Copies of your Indictment. There sits your Judge.—
Both kneeling.Pray, Sir, have Compassion on us.
Nurse.I hope, Sir, my Years will move your Pity; I am an aged Woman.
Coup.That is a moving Argument, indeed!
Coup.[To Bull.] Are not you a rogue of Sanctity?
Bull.Sir, with respect to my Function, I do wear a Gown. I hope, Sir, my Character will be consider'd; I am Heaven's Ambassador.
Coup.Did not you marry this vigorous young Fellow to a plump young buxom Wench?
Nurse.[To Bull.] Don't confess,Roger, unless you are hard put to it, indeed?
Coup.Come, out with't—Now is he chewing the Cud of his Roguery, and grinding a Lye between his Teeth.
Bull.Sir,——I cannot positively say——I say, Sir——positively I cannot say——
Coup.Come, no Equivocation, no Roman Turns upon us. Consider thou stand'st upon Protestant Ground, which will slip from under thee like aTyburnCar; for in this Country we have always ten Hangmen for one Jesuit.
Bull.[To Young Fash.] Pray, Sir, then will you but permit me to speak one word in private with Nurse?
Young Fash.Thou art always for doing something in private with Nurse.
Coup.But pray let his Betters be serv'd before him for once. I would do something in private with her myself;Lory, take care of this Reverend Gownman in the next Room a little. Retire, Priest. [ExitLo. withBull.]—Now, Virgin, I must put the matter home to you a little: Do you think it might not be possible to make you speak Truth?
Nurse.Alas! Sir, I don't know what you mean by Truth.
Coup.Nay,'tis possible thou may'st be a Stranger to it.
Young Fash.Come, Nurse, you and I were better Friends when we saw one another last; and I still believe you are a very good Woman in the bottom. I did deceive you and your young Lady, 'tis true, but I always design'd to make a very good Husband to her, and to be a very good Friend to you. And 'tis possible in the end, she might have found herself happier and you richer, than ever my Brother will make you.
Nurse.Brother! Why is your Worship then his Lordship's Brother!
Young Fash.I am; which you should have known, if I durst have staid to have told you; but I was forc'd to take Horse a little in haste, you know.
Nurse.You were, indeed, Sir: poor young Man, how he was bound to scaure for't. Now won't your Worship be angry, if I confess the Truth to you; when I found you were a Cheat (with respect be it spoken) I verily believ'd Miss had got some pitiful Skip-Jack Varlet or other to her Husband, or I had ne'er let her think of marrying again.
Coup.But where was your Conscience all this while, Woman? Did not that stare you in the Face with huge Saucer-eyes, and a great Horn upon the Forehead? Did not you think you should be damn'd for such a Sin? Ha!
Young Fash.Well said, Divinity, press that home upon her.
Nurse.Why, in good truly, Sir, I had some fearful Thoughts on't, and cou'd never be brought to consent, till Mr.Bullsaid it was aPeckadilla, and he'd secure my Soul for a Tythe-Pig.
Young Fash.There was a Rogue for you.
Coup.And he shall thrive accordingly: He shall have a good Living. Come, honestNurse, I see you have Butter in your Compound; you can melt. Some Compassion you can have of this handsome young Fellow.
Nurse.I have, indeed, Sir.
Young Fash.Why, then, I'll tell you what you shall do for me. You know what a warm Living here is fallen; and that it must be in the Disposal of him who has the Disposal of Miss. Now if you and the Doctor will agree to prove my Marriage, I'll present him to it, upon condition he makes you his Bride.
Nurse.Naw the Blessing of the Lord follow your good Worship both by Night and by Day! Let him be fetch'd in by the Ears; I'll soon bring his Nose to the Grindstone.
Coup.[Aside.] Well said, old Whit-Leather. Hey; bring in the Prisoner there.
EnterLorywithBull.
Coup.Come, advance, holy Man! Here's your Duck does not think fit to retire with you into the Chancel at this time; but she has a Proposal to make to you in the Face of the Congregation. Come,Nurse, speak for yourself; you are of Age.
Nurse.Roger, are not you a wicked Man,Roger, to set your Strength against a weak Woman, and persuade her it was no Sin to conceal Miss's Nuptials? My Conscience flies in my Face for it, thou Priest ofBaal; and I find by woful Experience, thy Absolution is not worth an old Cassock: therefore I am resolved to confess the Truth to the whole World, tho' I die a Beggar for it. But his Worship overflows with his Mercy, and his Bounty: He is not only pleas'd to forgive us our Sins, but designs thou sha't squat thee down inFat-gooseLiving; and, which is more than all, has prevail'd with me to become the Wife of thy Bosom.
Young Fash.All this I intend for you, Doctor. What you are to do for me, I need not tell you.
Bull.Your Worship's Goodness is unspeakable: Yet there is one thing seems a Point of Conscience; and Conscience is a tender Babe. If I shou'd bind myself, for the sake of this Living, to marryNurse, and maintain her afterwards, I doubt it might be look'd on as a kind of Simony.
Coup.[Rising up.] If it were Sacrilege, the Living's worth it: Therefore no more Words, good Doctor: but with the [GivingNurseto him.] Parish——here——take the Parsonage-house. 'Tis true, 'tis a little out of Repair; some Dilapidations there are to be made good; the Windows are broke, the Wainscot is warp'd, the Ceilings are peel'd, and the Walls are crack'd; but a little Glasing, Painting, White-wash, and Plaster, will make it last thy time.
Bull.Well, Sir, if it must be so, I shan't contend: What Providence orders, I submit to.
Nurse.And so do I, with all Humility.
Coup.Why, that now was spoke like good People. Come, my Turtle-Doves, let us go help this poor Pigeon to his wandering Mate again: and after Institution and Induction, you shall all go a-cooing together.
[Exeunt.
EnterAmanda, in a Scarf, &c. as just returned, her Woman following her.
Aman.Pr'ythee, what care I who has been here?
Wom.Madam, 'twas my LadyBridle, and my LadyTiptoe.
Aman.My LadyFiddle, and my LadyFaddle. What dost stand troubling me with the Visits of a parcel of impertinent Women? When they are well seam'd with the Small Pox, they won't be so fond of shewing their Faces——There are more Coquettes about this Town—
Wom.Madam, I suppose, they only came to return your Ladyship's Visit, according to the Custom of the World.
Aman.Wou'd the World were on Fire, and you in the middle on't! Be gone: leave me.
[Exit Wom.
Amandasola.
At last I am convinc'd. My Eyes are Testimonies of his Falshood.The base, ungrateful, perjur'd Villain——Good Gods—What slippery Stuff are Men compos'd of!Sure the Account of their Creation's false,And 'twas the Woman's Rib that they were form'd of.But why am I thus angry?This poor Relapse shou'd only move my Scorn.'Tis true, the roving Flights of his unfinish'd YouthHad strong Excuses from the Plea of Nature:Reason had thrown the Reins loose on his Neck,And slipt him to unlimited Desire.If therefore he went wrong, he had a ClaimTo my Forgiveness, and I did him right.But since the Years of Manhood rein him in,And Reason, well digested into Thought,Has pointed out the Course he ought to run;If now he strays,'Twou'd be as weak and mean in me to pardon,As it has been in him t' offend. But hold:'Tis an ill Cause indeed, where nothing's to be said for't.My Beauty possibly is in the Wain:Perhaps Sixteen has greater Charms for him:Yes, there's the Secret. But let him know,My Quiver's not entirely empty'd yet,I still have Darts, and I can shoot 'em too;They're not so blunt, but they can enter still;The Want's not in my Power, but in my Will.Virtue's his Friend; or, thro' another's Heart,I yet cou'd find the way to make his smart.
At last I am convinc'd. My Eyes are Testimonies of his Falshood.The base, ungrateful, perjur'd Villain——Good Gods—What slippery Stuff are Men compos'd of!Sure the Account of their Creation's false,And 'twas the Woman's Rib that they were form'd of.But why am I thus angry?This poor Relapse shou'd only move my Scorn.'Tis true, the roving Flights of his unfinish'd YouthHad strong Excuses from the Plea of Nature:Reason had thrown the Reins loose on his Neck,And slipt him to unlimited Desire.If therefore he went wrong, he had a ClaimTo my Forgiveness, and I did him right.But since the Years of Manhood rein him in,And Reason, well digested into Thought,Has pointed out the Course he ought to run;If now he strays,'Twou'd be as weak and mean in me to pardon,As it has been in him t' offend. But hold:'Tis an ill Cause indeed, where nothing's to be said for't.My Beauty possibly is in the Wain:Perhaps Sixteen has greater Charms for him:Yes, there's the Secret. But let him know,My Quiver's not entirely empty'd yet,I still have Darts, and I can shoot 'em too;They're not so blunt, but they can enter still;The Want's not in my Power, but in my Will.Virtue's his Friend; or, thro' another's Heart,I yet cou'd find the way to make his smart.
[Going off, she meetsWorthy.
Ha! He here? Protect me, Heaven, for this looks ominous.
Wor.You seem disorder'd, Madam; I hope there's no Misfortune happen'd to you?
Aman.None that will long disorder me, I hope.
Wor.Whate'er it be disturbs you, I wou'd to Heaven 'twere in my Power to bear the Pain, till I were able to remove the Cause.
Aman.I hope ere long it will remove itself. At least, I have given it warning to be gone.
Wor.Wou'd I durst ask, Where 'tis the Thorn torments you?Forgive me, if I grow inquisitive;'Tis only with desire to give you Ease.
Wor.Wou'd I durst ask, Where 'tis the Thorn torments you?Forgive me, if I grow inquisitive;'Tis only with desire to give you Ease.
Aman.Alas! 'tis in a tender Part. It can't be drawnwithout a World of Pain: Yet out it must; for it begins to fester in my Heart.
Wor.If 'tis the Sting of unrequited Love, remove it instantly: I have a Balm will quickly heal the Wound.
Aman.You'll find the Undertaking difficult: The Surgeon who already has attempted it, has much tormented me.
Wor.I'll aid him with a gentler Hand—if you will give me leave.
Aman.How soft soe'er the Hand may be, there still is Terror in the Operation.
Wor.Some few Preparatives would make it easy, could I persuade you to apply 'em. Make Home Reflections, Madam, on your slighted Love: Weigh well the Strength and Beauty of your Charms: Rouse up that Spirit Women ought to bear, and slight your God, if he neglects his Angel. With Arms of Ice receive his cold Embraces, and keep your Fire for those who come in Flames. Behold a burning Lover at your Feet, his Fever raging in his Veins. See how he trembles, how he pants! See how he glows, how he consumes! Extend the Arms of Mercy to his Aid: his Zeal may give him Title to your Pity, altho' his Merit cannot claim your Love.
Aman.Of all my feeble Sex, sure I must be the weakest, shou'd I again presume to think on Love. [Sighing.]—Alas! my Heart has been too roughly treated.
Wor.'Twill find the greater Bliss in softer Usage.
Aman.But where's that Usage to be found?
Wor.'Tis here, within this faithful Breast; which if you doubt, I'll rip it up before your Eyes; lay all its Secrets open to your View; and then you'll see 'twas sound.
Aman.With just such honest Words as these, the worst of Men deceiv'd me.
Wor.He therefore merits all Revenge can do: his Fault is such, the Extent and Stretch of Vengeance cannot reach it. O make me but your Instrument of Justice; you'll find me execute it with such Zeal, as shall convince you I abhor the Crime.
Aman.The Rigour of an Executioner has more the Face of Cruelty than Justice: And he who puts the Cord about the Wretch's Neck, is seldom known to exceed him in his Morals.
Wor.What Proof then can I give you of my Truth?
Aman.There is on Earth but one.
Wor.And is that in my Power?
Aman.It is: And one that would so thoroughly convince me, I should be apt to rate your Heart so high, I possibly might purchase't with a part of mine.
Wor.Then, Heav'n, thou art my Friend, and I am blest; for if 'tis in my Power, my Will I'm sure will reach it. No matter what the Terms may be, when such a Recompence is offer'd. O tell me quickly what this Proof must be! What is it will convince you of my Love?
Aman.I shall believe you love me as you ought, if from this Moment, you forbear to ask whatever is unfit for me to grant.——You pause upon it, Sir——I doubt on such hard Terms, a Woman's Heart is scarcely worth the having.
Wor.A Heart like yours, on any Terms is worth it; 'twas not on that I paus'd: But I was thinking [Drawing nearer to her.] whether some things there may not be, which Women cannot grant without a Blush, and yet which Men may take without Offence. [Taking her Hand.] Your Hand I fancy may be of the Number: O pardon me, if I commit a Rape upon it, [Kissing it eagerly.] and thus devour it with my Kisses!
Aman.O Heavens! let me go.
Wor.Never, whilst I have Strength to hold you here. [Forcing her to sit down on a Couch.] My Life, my Soul, my Goddess——O forgive me!
Aman.O whither am I going? Help, Heaven, or I am lost.
Wor.Stand neuter, Gods, this once I do invoke you.
Aman.Then, save me, Virtue, and the Glory's thine.
Wor.Nay, never strive.
Aman.I will; and conquer too. My Forces rally bravely to my Aid, [Breaking from him.] and thus I gain the Day.
Wor.Then mine as bravely double their Attack. [Seizing her again.] And thus I wrest it from you. Nay, struggle not; for all's in vain: On Death or victory; I am determin'd.
Aman.And so am I. [Rushing from him.] Now keep your distance, or we part for ever.
Wor.[Offering again.] For Heaven's sake——
Aman.[Going.] Nay then, farewel.
Wor.[Kneeling and holding by her Clothes.] O stay, and see the Magick Force of Love: Behold this raging Lion at your Feet, struck dead with Fear, and tame as Charms can make him. What must I do to be forgiven by you?
Aman.Repent, and never more offend.
Wor.Repentance for past Crimes is just and easy; but sin no more's a Task too hard for Mortals.
Aman.Yet those who hope for Heaven, must use their best Endeavours to perform it.
Wor.Endeavours we may use, but Flesh and Blood are got in t'other Scale; and they are pond'rous things.
Aman.Whate'er they are, there is a Weight in Resolution sufficient for their Balance. The Soul, I do confess, is usually so careless of its Charge, so soft, and so indulgent to Desire, it leaves the Reins in the wild Hand of Nature, who, like aPhaeton, drives the fiery Chariot, and sets the World on Flame. Yet still the Sovereignty is in the Mind, whene'er it pleases to exert its Force. Perhaps you may not think it worth your while to take such mighty pains for my Esteem; but that I leave to you.
You see the Price I set upon my Heart;}Perhaps 'tis dear: But spite of all your Art,}You'll find on cheaper Terms we ne'er shall part.}
You see the Price I set upon my Heart;}Perhaps 'tis dear: But spite of all your Art,}You'll find on cheaper Terms we ne'er shall part.}
[ExitAmanda.
Worthysolus.
Sure there's Divinity about her; and she'as dispens'd some portion on't to me. For what but now was the wild Flame of Love, or (to dissect that specious Term) the vile, the gross Desires of Flesh and Blood, is in a Moment turn'd to Adoration. The coarser Appetite of Nature's gone, and 'tis, methinks, the Food of Angels I require: how long this Influence may last, Heaven knows. But in this Moment of my Purity, I cou'd on her own Terms accept her Heart. Yes, lovely Woman, I can accept it. For now 'tis doubly worth my Care. Your Charms are much increas'd, since thus adorn'd. When Truth's extorted from us, then we own the Robe of Virtue is a graceful Habit.
Cou'd Women but our secret Counsels scan,Cou'd they but reach the deep Reserves of Man,They'd wear it on, that That of Love might last;For when they throw off one, we soon the other cast.Their Sympathy is such——The Fate of one, the other scarce can fly—They live together, and together die.
Cou'd Women but our secret Counsels scan,Cou'd they but reach the deep Reserves of Man,They'd wear it on, that That of Love might last;For when they throw off one, we soon the other cast.Their Sympathy is such——The Fate of one, the other scarce can fly—They live together, and together die.
[Exit.
EnterMissandNurse.
Miss.But is it sure and certain, say you, he's my Lord's own Brother?
Nurse.As sure, as he's your lawful Husband.
Miss.I'cod, if I had known that in time, I don't know but I might have kept him; For, between you and I, Nurse, he'd have made a Husband worth two of this I have. But which do you think you shou'd fancy most, Nurse?
Nurse.Why, truly, in my poor fancy, Madam, your first Husband is the prettier Gentleman.
Miss.I don't like my Lord's Shapes, Nurse.
Nurse.Why in good truly, as a body may say, he is but a Slam.
Miss.What do you think now he puts me in mind of? Don't you remember a long, loose, shambling sort of a Horse my Father call'dWashy?
Nurse.As like as two Twin-Brothers.
Miss.I'cod, I have thought so a hundred times: 'Faith, I'm tired of him.
Nurse.Indeed, Madam, I think you had e'en as good stand to your first Bargain.
Miss.O but, Nurse, we han't considered the main thing yet. If I leave my Lord, I must leave my Lady too: and when I rattle about the Streets in my Coach, they'll only say, there goes Mistress——Mistress——Mistress what? What's this Man's Name, I have married, Nurse?
Nurse.'SquireFashion.
Miss.'SquireFashionis it?——Well, 'Squire, that's better than nothing: Do you think one cou'd not get him made a Knight, Nurse?
Nurse.I don't know but one might, Madam, when the King's in a good Humour.
Miss.I'cod, that wou'd do rarely. For then he'd be as good a Man as my Father, you know.
Nurse.By'r Lady, and that's as good as the best of 'em.
Miss.So 'tis, faith; for then I shall be my Lady, and your Ladyship at every Word, that's all I have to care for. Ha, Nurse! But hark you me, one thing more, and then I have done. I'm afraid, if I change my Husband again, I shan't have so much Money to throw about, Nurse.
Nurse.O, enough's as good as a Feast: Besides, Madam, one don't know, but as much may fall to your share with the younger Brother, as with the elder. For tho' these Lords have a power of Wealth, indeed; yet as I have heard say, they give it all to their Sluts and their Trulls, who joggle it about in their Coaches, with a Murrain to 'em, whilst poor Madam sits sighing and wishing, and knotting and crying, and has not a spare Half-Crown to buy her aPractice of Piety.
Miss.O, but for that, don't deceive yourself, Nurse. For this I must [Snapping her Fingers.] say for my Lord, and a——for him: He's as free as an open House atChristmas. For this very Morning he told me, I shou'd have two hundred a-year to buy Pins. Now, Nurse, ifhe gives me two hundred a-year to buy Pins, what do you think he'll give me to buy fine Petticoats?
Nurse.Ah, my Dearest, he deceives these faully, and he's no better than a Rogue for his pains. TheseLondonershave got a Gibberidge with them, would confound a Gipsey. That which they call Pin-money, is to buy their Wives every thing in the varsal World, down to their very Shoe-tyes? Nay, I have heard Folks say, That some Ladies, if they will have Gallants, as they call 'em, are forc'd to find them out of their Pin-money too.
Miss.Has he serv'd me so, say ye?——Then I'll be his Wife no longer, that's fixt. Look, here he comes, with all the fine Folks at 's heels. I'cod, Nurse, theseLondonLadies will laugh till they crack again, to see me slip my Collar, and run away from my Husband. But, d'ye hear? Pray take care of one thing: When the Business comes to break out, be sure you get between me and my Father, for you know his Tricks; he'll knock me down.
Nurse.I'll mind him, ne'er fear, Madam.
Enter LordFoppington,Loveless,Worthy,Amanda, andBerinthia.
Lord Fop.Ladies and Gentlemen, you are all welcome. [ToLov.]Loveless——That's my Wife; pr'ythee do me the favour to salute her: And do'st hear, [Aside to him.] if thau hast a mind to try thy Fartune, to be reveng'd of me, I won't take it ill, stap my Vitals.
Lov.You need not fear, Sir, I'm too fond of my own Wife, to have the least Inclination for yours.
[All salute Miss.
Lord Fop.[Aside.] I'd give a thausand Paund he wou'd make Love to her, that he may see she has sense enough to prefer me to him, tho' his own Wife has not: [Viewing him.]—He's a very beastly Fellow, in my Opinion.
Miss.[Aside.] What a Power of fine Men there are in thisLondon! He that kist me first, is a goodly Gentleman, I promise you: Sure those Wives have a rare time on't, that live here always.
Enter SirTunbelly, with Musicians, Dancers,&c.
SirTun.Come, come in, good People, come in; come, tune your Fiddles, tune your Fiddles.
To the Hautboys.] Bag-pipes, make ready there. Come, strike up.
[Sings.