EnterErastusand his man, withLisetta,Mariamne's maid.
Lis.Oncemore I tell ye, Sir, if you have any consideration in the world for her, you must be gone this minute.
Er.My dearLisetta, let me but speak to her, let me but see her only.
Lis.You may do what you will; but not here, whilst you are in our house. I do believe she's as impatient to see you, as you can be to see her; but——
Er.But why won't you give us that satisfaction then?
Lis.Because I know the consequence; for when you once get together, the Devil himself is not able to part you; you will stay so long 'till you are surpriz'd, and what will become of us then?
Serv.Why, then we shall be thrown out at the window, I suppose.
Lis.No, but I shall be turn'd out of doors.
Er.How unfortunate am I! these doors are open to all the world, and only shut to me.
Lis.Because you come for a wife, and at our house we do not care for people that come for wives.
Serv.What would you have us come for, child?
Lis.Any thing but wives; because they cannot be put off without portions.
Serv.Portions! No, no, never talk of portions; my Master nor I neither don't want portions; and if he'd follow my advice, a regiment of fathers shou'd not guard her.
Lis.What say you?
Serv.Why, if you'll contrive that my Master may run away with your Mistress, I don't much care, faith, if I run away with you.
Lis.Don't you so, rogue's face? but I hope to be better provided for.
Er.Hold your tongues. But where isMariamne's brother? He is my bosom friend, and would be willing to serve me.
Lis.I told you before, that he has been abroad a hunting, and we han't seen him these three days; he seldom lies at home, to avoid his father's ill humour; so that it is not your Mistress only that our old covetous cuff teizes——there's nobody in the family but feels the effects of his ill humour——by his good will he would not suffer a creature to come within his doors, or eat at his table——and if there be but a rabbit extraordinary for dinner, he thinks himself ruin'd for ever.
Er.Then I find you pass your time comfortably in this family.
Lis.Not so bad as you imagine neither, perhaps; for, thank Heaven, we have a Mistress that's as bountiful as he is stingy, one that will let him say what he will, and yet does what she will. But hark, here's somebody coming; it is certainly he.
Er.Can't you hide us somewhere?
Lis.Here, here, get you in here as fast as you can.
Serv.Thrust me in too.
[Puts 'em into the closet.
EnterMariamne.
Lis.O, is it you?
Mar.So,Lisetta, where have you been? I've been looking for you all over the house: who are those people in the garden with my mother-in-law? I believe my father won't be very well pleas'd to see 'em there.
Lis.And here's somebody else not afar off, that I believe your father won't be very well pleas'd with neither. Come, Sir, Sir.
[Calls.
[Erastus and his servant come out.
Mar.O Heavens!
[Cries out.
Lis.Come, lovers, I can allow you but a short bout on't this time; you must do your work with a jirk——one whisper, two sighs and, a kiss; make haste, I say, and I'll stand centry for you in the mean time.
[ExitLisetta.
Mar.Do you know what you expose me to,Erastus? What do you mean?
Er.To die, Madam, since you receive me with so little pleasure.
Mar.Consider what wou'd become of me, if my father shou'd see you here.
Er.What wou'd you have me do?
Mar.Expect with patience some happy turn of affairs; my mother-in-law is kind and indulgent to a miracle, and her favour, if well managed, may turn to our advantage; and cou'd I prevail upon myself to declare my passion to her, I don't doubt but she'd join in our interest.
Er.Well, since we've nothing to fear from her, and your brother, you know is my intimate friend; you may therefore conceal me somewhere about the house for a few days. I'll creep into any hole.
Serv.Ay, but who must have the care of bringing us victuals?
[Aside.
Er.Thrust us into the cellar, or up into the garret:I don't care where it is, so that it be but under the same roof with you.
Serv.But I don't say so, for that jadeLisettawill have the feeding of us, and I know what kind of diet she keeps——I believe we shan't be like the fox in the fable, our bellies won't be so full but we shall be able to creep out at the same hole we got in at.
Er.Must I then be gone? must I return to Paris?
EnterLisetta.
Lis.Yes, that you must, and immediately too, for here's my master coming in upon ye.
Er.What shall I do?
Lis.Begone this minute.
Mar.Stay in the village 'till you hear from me, none of our family know that you are in it.
Er.Shall I see you sometimes?
Mar.I han't time to answer you now.
Lis.Make haste, I say; are you bewitch'd?
Er.Will you write to me?
Mar.I will if can.
Lis.Begone, I say, is the Devil in you?
[ThrustingErastusand his servant out.
Come this way, your father's just stepping in upon us.
[Exeunt.
Enter Mr.BarnardbeatingColin.
Mr.Barn.Rogue! rascal! did not I command you? Did not I give you my orders, sirrah?
Col.Why, you gave me orders to let no body in; and Madam, her gives me orders to let every body in——why the Devil himself can't please you boath, I think.
Mr.Barn.But, sirrah, you must obey my orders, not hers.
Col.Why the gentlefolks asked for her, they did not ask for you—what do you make such a noise about?
Mr.Barn.For that reason, sirrah, you shou'd not have let 'em in.
Col.Hold, Sir, I'd rather see you angry than her, that's true; for when you're angry you have only the devil in ye, but when Madam's in a passion she has the devil and his dam both in her belly.
Mr.Barn.You must mind what I say to you, sirrah, and obey my orders.
Col.Ay, ay, Measter——but let's not quarrel with one another—you're always in such a plaguy humour.
Mr.Barn.What are these people that are just come?
Col.Nay, that know not I——but as fine volk they are as ever eye beheld, heaven bless 'em.
Mr.Barn.Did you hear their names?
Col.Noa, noa, but in a coach they keam all besmeared with gould, with six breave horses, the like on 'em ne'er did I set eyes on——'twou'd do a man's heart good to look on sike fine beast, Measter.
Mr.Barn.How many persons are there?
Col.Vour——two as fine men as ever women bore, and two as dainty deames as a man wou'd desire to lay his lips to.
Mr.Barn.And all this crew sets up at my house.
Col.Noa, noa, Measter, the coachman is gone into the village to set up his coach at some inn, for I told him our coach-house was vull of vaggots, but he'll bring back the six horses, for I told him we had a rear good stable.
Mr.Barn.Did you so, rascal? Did you so?
[Beats him.
Col.Doant, doant, Sir, it wou'd do you good to see sike cattle, i'faith they look as if they had ne'er kept Lent.
Mr.Barn.Then they shall learn religion at my house——Sirrah, do you take care they sup without oats to-night——What will become of me? Since I bought this damn'd country house, I spend more in a summer than wou'd maintain me seven years.
Col.Why, if you do spend money, han't you goodthings for it? Come they not to see you the whole country raund? Mind how you're belov'd, Measter.
Mr.Barn.Pox take such love——How now, what do you want?
EnterLisetta.
Lis.Sir, there's some company in the garden with my mistress, who desire to see you.
Mr.Barn.The devil take 'em, what business have they here? But who are they?
Lis.Why, Sir, there's the fat Abbot that always sits so long at dinner, and drinks his two bottles by way of whet.
Mr.Barn.I wish his church was in his belly, that his guts might be half full before he came——and who else?
Lis.Then there's the young Marquis that won all my Lady's money at cards.
Mr.Barn.Pox take him too.
Lis.Then there's the merry Lady that's always in a good humour.
Mr.Barn.Very well.
Lis.Then there's she that threw down all my Lady's china t'other day, and laugh'd at it for a jest.
Mr.Barn.Which I paid above fifty pounds for in earnest—very well, and pray how did Madam receive all this fine company?——With a hearty welcome, and a courtsy with her bum down to the ground, ha.
Lis.No indeed, Sir, she was very angry with 'em.
Mr.Barn.How, angry with 'em, say you?
Lis.Yes indeed, Sir, for she expected they wou'd have staid here a fortnight, but it seems things happen so unluckily that they can't stay here above ten days.
Mr.Barn.Ten days! How! what! four persons with a coach and six, and a kennel of hungry hounds in liveries, to live upon me ten days.
[ExitLisetta.
Enter a soldier.
So, what do you want?
Sol.Sir, I come from your nephew, CaptainHungry.
Mr.Barn.Well, what does he want?
Sol.He gives his service to you, Sir, and sends you word that he'll come and dine with you to-morrow.
Mr.Barn.Dine with me! no, no, friend, tell him I don't dine at all to-morrow, it is my fast-day, my wife died on't.
Sol.And he has sent you here a pheasant and a couple of partridges.
Mr.Barn.How's that, a pheasant and partridges, say you?——let's see——very fine birds, truly——let me consider—To-morrow is not my fast-day, I mistook, tell my nephew he shall be welcome——And d'ye hear? [ToColin.] do you take these fowls and hang them up in a cool place——and take this soldier in, and make him drink—make him drink, d'ye see——a cup,——ay, a cup of small beer——d'ye hear?
Col.Yes, Sir——Come along; our small beer is reare good.
Sol.But, Sir, he bade me tell you that he'll bring two or three of his brother officers along with him.
Mr.Barn.How's that! Officers with him——here, come back——take the fowls again; I don't dine to-morrow, and so tell him [Gives him the basket.] Go, go.
[Thrusts him out.
Sol.Sir, Sir, that won't hinder them from coming, for they retir'd a little distance off the camp, and because your house is near 'em, Sir, they resolve to come.
Mr.Barn.Go, begone, Sirrah,
[Thrusts him out.
There's a rogue now, that sends me three lean carrion birds, and brings half a dozen varlets to eat them.
Enter Mr.Griffard.
Griff.Brother, what is the meaning of these doings? If you don't order your affairs better, you'll have your fowls taken out of your very yard, and carried away before your face.
Mr.Barn.Can I help it, brother? But what's the matter now?
Griff.There's a parcel of fellows have been hunting about your grounds all this morning, broke down yourhedges, and are now coming into your house——don't you hear them?
Mr.Barn.No, no, I don't hear them: who are they?
Griff.Three or four rake-helly officers, with your nephew at the head of 'em.
Mr.Barn.O the rogue! he might well send me fowls——but is it not a vexatious thing, that I must stand still and see myself plunder'd at this rate, and have a carrion of a wife who thinks I ought to thank all these rogues that come to devour me! but can't you advise me what's to be done in this case?
Griff.I wish I cou'd; for it goes to my heart to see you thus treated by a crew of vermin, who think they do you a great deal of honour in ruining of you.
Mr.Barn.Can there be no way found to redress this?
Griff.If I were you, I'd leave this house quite, and go to town.
Mr.Barn.What, and leave my wife behind me? ay that wou'd be mending the matter indeed!
Griff.Why don't you sell it then?
Mr.Barn.Because nobody will buy it; it has got as bad a name as if the plague were in't; it has been sold over and over, and every family that has liv'd in it has been ruin'd.
Griff.Then send away all your beds and furniture; except what is absolutely necessary for your own family, you'll save something by that, for then your guests can't stay with you all night, however.
Mr.Barn.I've try'd that already, and it signified nothing——For they all got drunk and lay in the barn, and next morning laugh'd it off for a frolick.
Griff.Then there is but one remedy left that I can think of.
Mr.Barn.What's that?
Griff.You must e'en do what's done when a town's on fire, blow up your house that the mischief may run no farther——But who is this gentleman?
Mr.Barn.I never saw him in my life before, but for all that, I'll hold fifty pound he comes to dine with me.
Enter the Marquis.
Marq.My dear Mr.Barnard, I'm your most humble servant.
Mr.Barn.I don't doubt it, Sir.
Marq.What is the meaning of this, Mr.Barnard? You look as coldly upon me as if I were a stranger.
Mr.Barn.Why truly, Sir, I'm very apt to do so by persons I never saw in my life before.
Marq.You must know, Mr.Barnard, I'm come on purpose to drink a bottle with you.
Mr.Barn.That may be, Sir; but it happens that at this time I am not at all dry.
Marq.I left the ladies at cards waiting for supper; for my part, I never play; so I came to see my dear Mr.Barnard; and I'll assure you I undertook this journey only to have the honour of your acquaintance.
Mr.Barn.You might have spared yourself that trouble, Sir.
Marq.Don't you know, Mr.Barnard, that this house of yours is a little paradise?
Mr.Barn.Then rot me if it be, Sir.
Marq.For my part, I think a pretty retreat in the country is one of the greatest comforts of life; I suppose you never want good company, Mr.Barnard?
Mr.Barn.No, Sir, I never want company; for you must know I love very much to be alone.
Marq.Good wine you must keep above all things, without good wine and good cheer I would not give a fig for the country.
Mr.Barn.Really, Sir, my wine is the worst you ever drank in your life, and you'll find my cheer but very indifferent.
Marq.No matter, no matter, Mr.Barnard; I've heard much of your hospitality, there's a plentiful table in your looks——and your wife is certainly one of the best women in the world.
Mr.Barn.Rot me if she be, Sir.
EnterColin.
Col.Sir, Sir, yonder's the Baronde Messyhas lost his hawk in our garden; he says it is pearch'd upon one of the trees; may we let him have'n again, Sir?
Mr.Barn.Go tell him that——
Col.Nay, you may tell him yourself, for here he comes.
Enter the Baronde Messy.
Sir, I'm your most humble Servant, and ask you a thousand pardons that I should live so long in your neighbourhood, and come upon such an occasion as this to pay you my first respects.
Mr.Barn.It is very well, Sir; but I think people may be very good neighbours without visiting one another.
Baron.Pray how do you like ourcountry?
Mr.Barn.Not at all, I'm quite tired on't.
Marq.Is it not the Baron? [Aside.] it is certainly he.
Baron.How; my dear Marquis! let me embrace you.
Marq.My dear Baron, let me kiss you.
[They run and embrace.
Baron.We have not seen one another since we were school-fellows, before.
Marq.The happiestRencontré!
Bro.These gentlemen seem to be very well acquainted.
Mr.Barn.Yes, but I know neither one nor t'other of them.
Marq.Baron, let me present to you one of the best-natur'd men in the world, Mr.Barnardhere, the flower of hospitality——I congratulate you upon having so good a neighbour.
Mr.Barn.Sir!
Baron.It is an advantage I am proud of.
Mr.Barn.Sir!
Marq.Come, gentlemen, you must be very intimate; let me have the honour of bringing you better acquainted.
Mr.Barn.Sir!
Baron.Dear Marquis, I shall take it as a favour, if you'll do me that honour.
Mr.Barn.Sir!
Marq.With all my heart——Come, Baron, now you are here we can make up the most agreeable company in the world——Faith you shall stay and pass a few days with us.
Mr.Barn.Methinks now, this son of a whore does the honour of my house to a miracle.
Baron.I don't know what to say, but I shou'd be very glad you'd excuse me.
Marq.Faith, I can't.
Baron.Dear Marquis.
Marq.Egad I won't.
Baron.Well, since it must be so——But here comes the Lady of the family.
Enter Mrs.Barnard.
Marq.Madam, let me present you to the flower ofFrance.
Baron.Madam, I shall think myself the happiest person in the world in your Ladyship's acquaintance; and the little estate I have inthis countryI esteem more than all the rest, because it lies so near your Ladyship.
Mrs.Barn.Sir, your most humble servant.
Marq.Madam, the Baronde Messyis the best humour'd man in the world. I've prevail'd with him to give us his company a few days.
Mrs.Barn.I'm sure you could not oblige Mr.Barnardor me more.
Mr.Barn.That's a damn'd lye, I'm sure.
[Aside.
Baron.I'm sorry, Madam, I can't accept of the honour——for it falls out so unluckily, that I've some ladies at my house that I can't possibly leave.
Marq.No matter, no matter, Baron; you have ladies at your house, we have ladies at our house—let'sjoin companies——come, let's send for them immediately; the more the merrier.
Mr.Barn.An admirable expedient, truly!
Baron.Well, since it must be so, I'll go for them myself.
Marq.Make haste, dear Baron, for we shall be impatient for your return.
Baron.Madam, your most humble servant——But I won't take my leave of you——I shall be back again immediately——MonsieurBarnard, I'm your most humble servant; since you will have it so, I'll return as soon as possible.
Mr.Barn.I have it so! 'sbud, Sir, you may stay as long as you please; I'm in no haste for ye.
[Exeunt Baron and Marquis.
Mr.Barn.Madam, you are the cause that I am not master of my own house.
Mrs.Barn.Will you never learn to be reasonable, husband?
The Marquis returns.
Marq.The Baron is the best humour'd man in the world, only a little too ceremonious, that's all——I love to be free and generous; since I came toParisI've reform'd half the court.
Mrs.Barn.You are of the most agreeable humour in the world,Marquis.
Marq.Always merry——But what have you done with the ladies?
Mrs.Barn.I left them at cards.
Marq.Well, I'll wait upon 'em——but, Madam, let me desire you not to put yourself to any extraordinary expence upon our accounts——You must consider we have more than one day to live together.
Mrs.Barn.You are pleased to be merry, Marquis.
Marq.Treat us without ceremony; good wine and poultry you have of your own; wild-fowl and fish are brought to your door——You need not send abroad for any thing but a piece of butcher's meat, or so——Let us have no extraordinaries.
[Exit.
Mr.Barn.If I had the feeding of you, a thunder bolt should be your supper.
Mrs.Barn.Husband, will you never change your humour? If you go on at this rate, it will be impossible to live with ye.
Mr.Barn.Very true; for in a little time I shall have nothing to live upon.
Mrs.Barn.Do you know what a ridiculous figure you make?
Mr.Barn.You'll make a great deal worse, when you han't money enough to pay for the washing of your shifts.
Mrs.Barn.It seems you married me only to dishonour me; how horrible this is!
Mr.Barn.I tell ye, you'll ruin me. Do you know how much money you spend in a year?
Mrs.Barn.Not I truly, I don't understand arithmetic.
Mr.Barn.Arithmetic, O lud! O lud! Is it so hard to comprehend, that he who receives but sixpence and spends a shilling, must be ruin'd in the end?
Mrs.Barn.I never troubled my head with accompts, nor never will; but if you did but know what ridiculous things the world says of ye——
Mr.Barn.Rot the world——'Twill say worse of me when I'm in a jail.
Mrs.Barn.A very Christian-like saying, truly.
Mr.Barn.Don't tell me of Christian——Adsbud, I'll turn Jew, and nobody shall eat at my table that is not circumcised.
EnterLisetta.
Lis.Madam, there's the Dutchess ofTwangdillojust fell down near our door, her coach was overturn'd.
Mrs.Barn.I hope her Grace has received no hurt.
Lis.No, Madam, but her coach is broke.
Mr.Barn.Then there's a smith in town may mend it.
Lis.They say, 'twill require two or three days to fit it up again.
Mrs.Barn.I'm glad on't with all my heart, for thenI shall enjoy the pleasure of her Grace's good company.——I'll wait upon her.
Mr.Barn.Very fine doings this!
[Exeunt severally.