Enter LadyHeadpieceand Mrs.Motherly.
LadyHead.So, you are acquainted with LadyArabella, I find.
Mrs.Moth.Oh, Madam, I have had the honour to know her Ladyship almost from a child, and a charming woman she has made.
LadyHead.I like her prodigiously; I had some acquaintance with her in the country two years ago; but she's quite another woman here.
Mrs.Moth.Ah, Madam, two years keeping company with the polite people of the town will do wonders in the improvement of a lady, so she has it but about her.
LadyHead.Now 'tis my misfortune, Mrs.Motherly, to come late to school.
Mrs.Moth.Oh! don't be discourag'd at that, Madam, the quickness of your ladyship's parts will easily recover your loss of a little time.
LadyHead.O! You flatter me! But I'll endeavour by industry and application to make it up; such parts as I have shall not lie idle. My LadyArabellahas been so good to offer me already her introduction, to those assemblies, where a woman may soonest learn to make herself valuable to every body.
Mrs.Moth.But her husband. [Aside.] Her Ladyship, Madam, can indeed, better than any body, introduce you, where every thing that accomplishes a fine lady, is practised to the last perfection; Madam, she herself is at the very tip-top of it——'tis pity, poor lady, she shou'd meet with any discouragements.
LadyHead.Discouragements! from whence pray?
Mrs.Moth.From home sometimes——my Lord a—
LadyHead.What does he do?
Mrs.Moth.But one should not talk of people of qualities family-concerns.
LadyHead.O, no matter, Mrs.Motherly, as long as it goes no farther. My Lord, you were saying——
Mrs.Moth.Why, my Lord, Madam, is a little humoursome, they say.
LadyHead.Humoursome?
Mrs.Moth.Yes, they say he's humoursome.
LadyHead.As how, pray?
Mrs.Moth.Why, if my poor lady perhaps does but stay out at night, may be four or five hours after he's in bed, he'll be cross.
LadyHead.What, for such a thing as that?
Mrs.Moth.Yes, he'll be cross; and then if she happens, it may be, to be unfortunate at play, and lose a great deal of money, more than she has to pay, then Madam——he'll snub.
LadyHead.Out upon him! snub such a woman as she is? I can tell you, Mrs.Motherly, I that am but a country lady, should SirFrancistake upon him to snub me, inLondon, he'd raise a spirit would make his hair stand on end.
Mrs.Moth.Really, Madam, that's the only way to deal with 'em.
Enter MissBetty.
And here comes pretty MissBetty, that I believe will never be made a fool of, when she's married.
MissBetty.No by my troth won't I. What are you talking of my being married, mother?
LadyHead.No, Miss; Mrs.Motherlywas only saying what a good wife you wou'd make, when you were so.
MissBetty.The sooner it is try'd, mother, the sooner it will be known. Lord, here's the colonel, Madam!
EnterColonel.
LadyHead.Colonel, your servant.
MissBetty.Your servant, colonel.
Col.Ladies, your most obedient——I hope, Madam, the town air agrees with you?
LadyHead.Mighty well, Sir.
MissBetty.Oh prodigious well, Sir. We have bought a new coach and an ocean of new clothes, and we are to go to the play to-night, and to-morrow we go to the opera, and next night we go to the assembly, and then the next night after, we——
LadyHead.Softly, Miss——Do you go to the play to-night, colonel?
Col.I did not design it, Madam; but now I find there is to be such good company, I'll do myself the honour (if you'll give me leave, ladies) to come and lead you to your coach.
LadyHead.It's extremely obliging.
MissBetty. It is indeed mighty well-bred. Lord! colonel, what a difference there is between your way and our country companions; one of them would have said, what, you are aw gooing to the playhouse then? Yes, says we, won't you come and lead us out? No, by good feggins, says he, ye ma' e'en ta' care o' yoursells, y'are awd enough; and so he'd ha' gone to get drunk at the tavern against we came home to supper.
Mrs.Moth.Ha, ha, ha! well, sure Madam, your Ladyship is the happiest mother in the world to have such a charming companion to your daughter.
Col.The prettiest creature upon earth!
MissBetty.D'ye hear that, mother? Well, he's a fine gentleman really, and I think a man of admirable sense.
LadyHead.Softly, Miss, he'll hear you.
MissBetty.If he does, Madam, he'll think I say true, and he'll like me never the worse for that, I hope. Where's your nieceMartilla, Mrs.Motherly? Mama, won't you carryMartillato the play with us?
LadyHead.With all my heart, child.
Col.She's a very pretty civil sort of woman, Madam, and miss will be very happy in having such a companion in the house with her.
MissBetty.So I shall indeed, Sir, and I love her dearly already, we are growing very great together.
LadyHead.But what's become of your brother, child? I han't seen him these two hours, where is he?
MissBetty.Indeed, mother, I don't know where he is; I saw him asleep about half an hour ago by the kitchen fire.
Col.Must not he go to the play too?
LadyHead. Yes, I think he shou'd go, tho' he'll be weary on't, before it's half done.
MissBetty.Weary? yes; and then he'll sit, and yawn, and stretch like a grayhound by the fire-side, 'till he does some nasty thing or other, that they'll turn him out of the house, so it's better to leave him at home.
Mrs.Moth.O, that were pity, Miss. Plays will enliven him——see, here he comes, and my niece with him.
Enter SquireHumphryandMartilla.
Col.Your servant, Sir; you come in good time, the ladies are all going to the play, and wanted you to help to gallant them.
SquireHumph.And so 'twill be nine o'clock, before one shall get any supper.
MissBetty.Supper! why your dinner is not out of your mouth yet, at least 'tis all about the brims of it. See how greasy his chops is, mother.
LadyHead.Nay, if he han't a mind to go, he need not. You may stay here 'till your father comes home from the parliament-house, and then you may eat a broil'd bone together.
MissBetty.Yes, and drink a tankard of strong beer together; and then he may tell you all he has been doing in the parliament-house, and you may tell him all you have been thinking of when you were asleep, in the kitchen: and then if you'll put it all down in writing, when we come from the play, I'll read it to the company.
SquireHumph.Sister, I don't like your joaking, and you are not a well-behav'd young woman; and altho' my mother encourages you, my thoughts are, you are not too big to be whipt.
MissBetty.How, sirrah?
SquireHumph.There's a civil young gentlewoman stands there, is worth a hundred of you. And I believe she'll be married before you.
MissBetty.Cots my life, I have a good mind to pull your eyes out.
LadyHead.Hold, Miss, hold, don't be in such a passion, neither.
MissBetty.Mama, it is not that I am angry at any thing he says to commendMartilla, for I wish she were to be marry'd to-morrow, that I might have a dance at her wedding; but what need he abuse me for? I wish the lout had mettle enough to be in love with her, she'd make pure sport with him. [Aside.] Does your Heaviness find any inclinations moving towards the lady you admire——Speak! are you in love with her?
SquireHumph.I am in love with nobody; and if any body be in love with me, mayhap they had as good be quiet.
MissBetty.Hold your tongue, I'm quite sick of you. Come,Martilla, you are to go to the play with us.
Mart.Am I, Miss? I am ready to wait upon you.
LadyHead.I believe it's time we should be going; Colonel, is not it?
Col.Yes, Madam, I believe it is.
LadyHead.Come, then; who is there?
Enter Servant.
Is the coach at the door?
Serv.It has been there this hafe haur, so please your Ladyship.
MissBetty.And are all the people in the street gazing at it,Tom?
Serv.That are they, Madam; andRogerhas drankso much of his own beveridge, that he's even as it were gotten a little drunk.
LadyHead.Not so drunk, I hope, but that he can drive us?
Serv.Yes, yes, Madam, he drives best when he's a little upish. WhenRoger's head turns, raund go the wheels, i'faith.
MissBetty.Never fear, Mama, as long as it's to the playhouse, there's no danger.
LadyHead.Well, daughter, since you are so courageous, it shan't be said I make any difficulty; and if the Colonel is so gallant, to have a mind to share our danger, we have room for him, if he pleases.
Col.Madam, you do me a great deal of honour, and I'm sure you give me a great deal of pleasure.
MissBetty.Come, dear Mama, away we go.
[Exeunt all butSquire,Martilla, and Mrs.Motherly.
SquireHumph.I did not think you would have gone.
[ToMartilla.
Mart.O, I love a play dearly.
[Exit.
Mrs.Moth.I wonder, Squire, that you wou'd not go to the play with 'em.
SquireHumph.What neededMartillahave gone? they were enough without her.
Mrs.Moth.O, she was glad to go to divert herself; and besides, my Lady desired her to go with them.
SquireHumph.And so I am left alone.
Mrs.Moth.Why, wou'd you have car'd for her company?
SquireHumph.Rather than none.
Mrs.Moth.On my conscience he's ready to cry; this is matter to think of: but here comes SirFrancis.
[Aside.
Enter SirFrancis.
How do you do, Sir? I'm afraid these late parliament hours won't agree with you.
SirFran.Indeed, I like them not, Mrs.Motherly; if they wou'd dine at twelve o'clock, as we do in thecountry, a man might be able to drink a reasonable bottle between that and supper-time.
Mrs.Moth.That wou'd be much better indeed, SirFrancis.
SirFran.But then when we consider that what we undergo, is in being busy for the good of our country,——O, the good of our country is above all things; what a noble and glorious thing it is, Mrs.Motherly, thatEnglandcan boast of five hundred zealous gentlemen, all in one room, all of one mind, upon a fair occasion, to go altogether by the ears for the good of their country!—--Humphry, perhaps you'll be a senator in time, as your father is now; and when you are, remember your country; spare nothing for the good of your country! and when you come home, at the end of the sessions, you will find yourself so adored, that your country will come and dine with you every day in the week. O, here's my uncleRichard.
Enter UncleRichard.
Mrs.Moth.I think, Sir, I had better get you a mouthful of something to stay your stomach 'till supper.
[Exit.
SirFran.With all my heart, for I'm almost famish'd.
SquireHumph.And so shall I before my mother comes from the playhouse, so I'll go and get a butter'd toast.
[Exit.
SirFran.Uncle, I hope you are well.
Unc.Rich.Nephew, if I had been sick I wou'd not have come abroad; I suppose you are well, for I sent this morning, and was inform'd you went out early; was it to make your court to some of the great men?
SirFran.Yes, uncle, I was advised to lose no time, so I went to one great man, whom I had never seen before.
Unc.Rich.And who had you got to introduce you?
SirFran.Nobody; I remember'd I had heard a wise man say, My son, be bold; so I introduced myself.
Unc.Rich.As how, I pray?
SirFran.Why thus, uncle; please your Lordship, says I, I am SirFrancis HeadpieceofHeadpiece-Hall, and member of parliament for the ancient borough ofGobble-Guiney. Sir, your humble servant, says my Lord, tho' I have not the honour to know your person, I have heard you are a very honest gentleman, and I am very glad your borough has made choice of so worthy a representative; have you any service to command me? Those last words, uncle, gave me great encouragement: And tho' I know you have not any very great opinion of my parts, I believe you won't say I mist it now.
Unc.Rich.I hope I shall have no cause.
SirFran.My Lord, says I, I did not design to say any thing to your Lordship to-day about business; but since your Lordship is so kind and free, as to bid me speak if I have any service to command you, I will.
Unc.Rich.So.
SirFran.I have, says I, my Lord, a good estate, but it's a little out at elbows: and as I desire to serve my king as well as my country, I shall be very willing to accept of a place at court.
Unc.Rich.This was bold indeed.
SirFran.I'cod, I shot him flying, uncle; another man would have been a month before he durst have open'd his mouth about a place. But you shall hear. SirFrancis, says my Lord, what sort of a place may you have turn'd your thoughts upon? My Lord, says I, beggars must not be choosers; but some place about a thousand a year, I believe, might do pretty weel to begin with. SirFrancis, says he, I shall be glad to serve you in any thing I can; and in saying these words he gave me a squeeze by the hand, as much as to say, I'll do your business. And so he turn'd to a Lord that was there, who look'd as if he came for a place too.
Unc.Rich.And so your fortune's made.
SirFran.Don't you think so, uncle?
Unc.Rich.Yes, for just so mine was made——twenty years ago.SirFran.Why, I never knew you had a place, uncle.
Unc.Rich.Nor I neither upon my faith, nephew: but you have been down at the house since you made your court, have not you?
SirFran.O yes; I would not neglect the house for ever so much.
Unc.Rich.And what might they have done there to-day, I pray?
SirFran.Why truly, uncle, I cannot well tell what they did. But I'll tell you what I did: I happen'd to make a little sort of a mistake.
Unc.Rich.How was that?
SirFran.Why you must know, uncle, they were all got into a sort of a hodge-podge argument for the good of the nation, which I did not well understand; however I was convinced, and so resolved to vote aright according to my conscience; but they made such a puzzling business on't, when they put the question, as they call it, that, I believe, I cry'd Ay, when I should have cry'd No; for a sort of aJacobitethat sat next me, took me by the hand, and said, Sir, you are a man of honour, and a trueEnglishman, and I shou'd be glad to be better acquainted with you, and so he pull'd me along with the croud into the lobby with him, when I believe I should have staid where I was.
Unc.Rich.And so, if you had not quite made your fortune before, you have clench'd it now. Ah, thou head of theHeadpieces! [Aside.] How now, what's the matter here?
Enter LadyHeadpiece, &c. in disorder, some dirty, some lame, some bloody.
SirFran.Mercy on us! they are all kill'd.
MissBetty. Not for a thousand pounds; but we have been all down in the dirt together.
LadyHead.We have had a sad piece of work on't, SirFrancis, overturn'd in the channel, as we were going to the playhouse.
MissBetty.Over and over, papa; had it been coming from the playhouse, I shou'd not have car'd a farthing.
SirFran.But, child, you are hurt, your face is all bloody.
MissBetty.O, Sir, my new gown is all dirty.
LadyHead.The new coach is all spoil'd.
MissBetty.The glasses are all to bits.
LadyHead.Rogerhas put out his arm.
MissBetty.Would he had put out his neck, for making us lose the play.
SquireHumph.PoorMartillahas scratch'd her little finger.
LadyHead.And here's the poor Colonel; nobody asks what he has done. I hope, Sir, you have got no harm?
Col.Only a little wounded with some pins I met with about your Ladyship.
LadyHead.I am sorry any thing about me should do you harm.
Col.If it does, Madam, you have that about you, if you please, will be my cure. I hope your Ladyship feels nothing amiss?
LadyHead.Nothing at all, tho' we did roll about together strangely.
Col.We did, indeed. I'm sure we roll'd so, that my poor hands were got once——I don't know where they were got. But her Ladyship I see will pass by slips.
[Aside.
SirFran.It wou'd have been pity the colonel shou'd have receiv'd any damage in his services to the Ladies; he is the most complaisant man to e'm, uncle; always ready when they have occasion for him.
Unc.Rich.Then I believe, nephew, they'll never let him want business.
SirFran.O, but they shou'd not ride the free horse to death neither. Come, colonel, you'll stay and drink a bottle, and eat a little supper with us, after your misfortune?
Col.Sir, since I have been prevented from attendingthe ladies to the play, I shall be very proud to obey their commands here at home.
SirFran.A prodigious civil gentleman, uncle; and yet as bold asAlexanderupon occasion.
Unc.Rich.Upon a lady's occasion.
SirFran.Ha, ha, you're a wag, uncle; but I believe he'd storm any thing.
Unc.Rich.Then I believe your citadel may be in danger.
[Aside.
SirFran.Uncle, won't you break your rule for once, and sup from home?
Unc.Rich.The company will excuse me, nephew, they'll be freer without me; so good night to them and you.
LadyHead.Good night to you, Sir, since you won't stay: Come, colonel.
Unc.Rich.Methinks this facetious colonel is got upon a pretty, familiar, easy foot already with the family of theHeadpieces—hum.
[Aside.Exit.
SirFran.Come, my Lady, let's all in, and pass the evening chearfully. And, d'ye hear, wife——a word in your ear——I have got a promise of a place in court, of a thousand a year, he, hem.
[Exeunt.