SAMSÓN SÍLYCH BOLSHÓV[1],a merchant
[Footnote 1: Samsón Strengthson Bigman.]
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA,his wife
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA (LÍPOCHKA),their daughter
LÁZAR ELIZÁRYCH PODKHALYÚZIN[2],a clerk
[Footnote 2: Sneaky.]
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA,a professional match-maker
SYSÓY PSÓICH RISPOLÓZHENSKY[3],a lawyer
[Footnote 3: Unfrocked.]
FOMÍNISHNA,housekeeper} }inBOLSHÓV'ShouseTÍSKA[4], boy }
[Footnote 4: A nickname for Tikhon.]
Drawing-room in BOLSHÓV'S house
LÍPOCHKA is sitting near the window with a book
LÍPOCHKA. What a pleasant occupation these dances are! Very good indeed! What could be more delightful? You go to the assembly, or to somebody's wedding, you sit down, naturally, all beflowered like a doll or a magazine picture. Suddenly up runs a gentleman: "May I have the happiness, miss?" Well, you see, if he's a man of wit, or a military individual, you accept, drop your eyes a little, and answer: "If you please, with pleasure!" Ah! [Warmly] Most fas-ci-nat-ing! Simply beyond understanding! [Sighs] I dislike most of all dancing with students and government office clerks. But it's the real thing to dance with army men! Ah, charming! ravishing! Their mustaches, and epaulets, and uniforms, and on some of them even spurs with little bits of bells. Only it's killingly tiresome that they don't wear a sabre. Why do they take it off? It's strange, plague take it! The soldiers themselves don't understand how much more fascinatingly they'd shine! If they were to take a look at the spurs, the way they tinkle, especially if a uhlan or some colonel or other is showing off—wonderful! It's just splendid to look at them—lovely! And if he'd just fasten on a sabre, you'd simply never see anything more delightful, you'd just hear rolling thunder instead of the music. Now, what comparison can there be between a soldier and a civilian? A soldier! Why, you can see right off his cleverness and everything. But what does a civilian amount to? Just a dummy. [Silence] I wonder why it is that so many ladies sit down with their feet under their chairs. There's positively no difficulty in learning how! Although I was a little bashful before the teacher, I learned how to do it perfectly in twenty lessons. Why not learn how to dance? It's only a superstition not to. Here mamma sometimes gets angry because the teacher is always grabbing at my knees. All that comes from lack of education. What of it? He's a dancing-master and not somebody else. [Reflecting] I picture to myself: suddenly a soldier makes advances to me, suddenly a solemn betrothal, candles burn everywhere, the butlers enter, wearing white gloves; I, naturally, in a tulle or perhaps in a gauze gown; then suddenly they begin to play a waltz—but how confused I shall be before him! Ah, what a shame! Then where in the world shall I hide? What will he think? "Here," he'll say, "an uneducated little fool!" But, no, how can that be! Only, you see I haven't danced for a year and a half! I'll try it now at leisure. [Waltzing badly] One—two—three; one—two—three—
LÍPOCHKAandAGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. [Entering] Ah, ha, shameless creature! My heart told me so; before it's fairly daylight, before you've eaten God's bread, you start off dancing right away!
LÍPOCHKA. Now, mamma, I've drunk my tea and eaten some curd-cakes. Look here, is this all right? One, two, three; one—two—
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. [Following her] What difference does it make if you have had something to eat? I suppose I'll have to keep watching what sinful pranks you're up to! I tell you, don't whirl around!
LÍPOCHKA. Pooh! where's the sin in that! Everybody's doing it nowadays.One, two—
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Better knock your forehead against the table, but don't fiddle around with your feet. [She runs after her] What's the matter with you? Where did you get the idea of not obeying?
LÍPOCHKA. Who told you I didn't obey? Don't meddle; let me finish the way I want to! One, two, three—
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Shall I have to run after you long, old woman as I am? Ouf! You've worn me out, you barbarian! Do you hear? Stop! I'll complain to your father!
LÍPOCHKA. Right away, right away, mamma! This is the last time around! God created you expressly for complaining. Much I care for you! One—two—
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. What! you keep on dancing, and talk impudently into the bargain! Stop it this minute! It'll be so much the worse for you; I'll grab you by the skirt, and tear off the whole train.
LÍPOCHKA. Well, tear it, and much good may it do you! You'll simply have to sew it up again, and that's all there is to it! [She sits down] Phew! phew! my, I'm soaked through! as if I'd been pulling a van! Ouf! Mamma, give me a handkerchief to wipe off the perspiration.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Wait, I'll wipe it off myself. You've half killed yourself! And it's just as if somebody were making you do it. Since you don't respect your mother, you might at least respect these walls. Your father, my dear, has to make a great effort even to move his legs; but you skip about here like a jumping-jack!
LÍPOCHKA. Go away with your advice! How can I act according to your notions? Do you want me to get sick? That would be all right if I were a doctor's wife. Ouf! What disgusting ideas you have! Bah! What a woman you are, mamma, drat it! Honestly, I sometimes blush for your stupidity!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. What a darling child you are! Just consider how you're insulting your mother! Ah, you stupid chatterbox! Is it right to dishonor your parents with such words? Was it for this I brought you into the world, taught you, and guarded you as carefully as if you were a butterfly?
LÍPOCHKA. You didn't teach me—strangers did; that'll do, if you please. You yourself, to tell the truth, had no bringing up. What of it? You bore a child—what was I then?—a child without understanding, I didn't understand the ways of society. But I grew up, I looked upon society manners, and I saw that I was far more educated than others. Why should I show too much indulgence for your foolishness? Why, indeed! Much reason for it, I must say!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Let up, let up, you shameless girl! You'll drive me out of patience; I'll go straight to your father, throw myself at his feet, and say: "Samsón, dear, there's no living because of our daughter!"
LÍPOCHKA. Yes, there's no living for you! I imagine so. But do you give me any chance to live? Why did you send away my suitor? Could there have been a better match? Wasn't he a Coopid[1]? What did you find in him that was soft?
[Footnote 1: An attempt to reproduce Lipochka's illiterate pronunciation of the Russian word.]
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. He was soft enough; just a grinning booby. He came swaggering around, swaggered, strutted, strutted. What a rare bird!
LÍPOCHKA. Yes, much you know! Of course he's a born gentleman; he behaves in a delicate way. They always do like that in his circle—But how do you dare to censure such people, of whom you haven't any idea? He, I tell you, is no cheap merchant. [She whispers aside] My darling, my beauty!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Yes, a good darling! Do tell! Pity we didn't marry you to some circus clown. Shame on you; there's some kind of folly in you; you whisper right under your mother's nose, just to spite her.
LÍPOCHKA. I've reason enough, because you don't desire my happiness. You and pa are only good for picking quarrels and tyrannizing!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. You can think what you please. The Lord is your judge! But nobody feels the anxiety for her child that the mother who bore her does! Here you're always posing and kicking up all kinds of nonsense, while your father and I worry day and night about how to find you a good man, and establish you quickly.
LÍPOCHKA. Yes, easy for you to talk; but just let me ask, what good does that do me, if you please?
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. As if you thought I wasn't sorry for you! But what can I do? Have a mite of patience, even if you have been waiting a few years. It's impossible to find a husband for you in a second; it's only cats that catch mice in a jiffy.
LÍPOCHKA. What have I got to do with your cats! It's a husband I want. What's the use! I'm ashamed to meet my acquaintances; in all Moscow we weren't able to choose a husband; other girls kept having all the luck. Wouldn't it make anybody sick? All my friends were married long ago, and here I am like a kind of orphan! We found one man, and turned him down. Now, look here: find me a husband, and find him quick!… I tell you in advance, look me up a husband right off, or it'll be so much the worse for you: purposely, just to spite you, I'll secretly scare up an adorer; I'll run away with a hussar, and we'll get married on the quiet.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. What! What! You lewd creature! Who drummed such nastiness into your head? Merciful Lord, I can't get my breath! Ah, you dirty hussy! Well, there's nothing to be done. It's evident. I'll have to call your father.
LÍPOCHKA. All you ever say is "father, father!" You have a lot to say when he's around, but just try it when you're by yourself!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. So you think I'm a fool, do you? What kind of hussars do you know, you brazen-faced creature? Phoo! Diabolical idea! Perhaps you think I'm not able to make you mind? Tell me, you shameless-eyed girl, where did you get that spiteful look? What, you want to be sharper than your mother! It won't take me long, I tell you, to send you into the kitchen to boil the kettles. Shame, shame on you! Ah! Ah! My holy saints! I'll make you a hempen wedding-dress, and pull it on over your head directly. I'll make you live with the pigs, instead of your parents!
LÍPOCHKA. How's that? Will I allow anybody to boss me about? The idea!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Shut up, shut up, you babbling Bessie! Give in to your mother! What obstinate daring! Just peep another word and I'll stop your mouth with a potato. A beautiful consolation the Lord has sent me in you! Impudent slut! You're a miserable tomboy and you haven't a womanly thought in your head! You're ready, I suppose, to jump on horseback and go off like a soldier!
LÍPOCHKA. I suppose you'll ring in the police, presently! You'd do better to keep still, since you weren't properly brought up. I'm absolutely vile; but what are you, after all? Do you want to send me to the other world before my time? Do you want to kill me with your caprices? [She weeps] Already I'm about coughing my lungs out! [Weeps.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. [Stands and looks at her] Well, stop, stop!
LÍPOCHKAweeps louder and then sobs.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. I tell you, that'll do! I'm talking to you; stop it!Well, it's my fault; only do stop—it's my fault!
LÍPOCHKAweeps.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Lipochka! Lipa! Come, come, do stop! [Tearfully] Now, don't get angry at me—[She weeps] A silly old woman—ignorant—[They weep together] Please forgive me—I'll buy you some earrings.
LÍPOCHKA. [Weeping] I don't want your old earrings; I have a drawer full already. You buy me some bracelets with emeralds.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. I will, I will, only please stop crying!
LÍPOCHKA. [Through her tears] I won't stop crying till I get married. [She weeps.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. You'll get married, my darling; you will! Now, give me a kiss! [They kiss] There, Christ be with you! Now let me wipe away the tears for you. [She wipes the tears] Ustinya Naúmovna wanted to come to-day; we're going to talk a bit.
LÍPOCHKA. [In a voice still rather trembly] Oh, dear, I wish she'd hurry up!
The same andFOMÍNISHNA
FOMÍNISHNA. Just guess, my dear Agraféna Kondrátyevna, who's come to call on us!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. I can't say. Do you think I'm a witch at guessing,Fomínishna?
LÍPOCHKA. Why don't you ask me? Am I stupider than you or mamma?
FOMÍNISHNA. The fact is, I don't know how to tell you. You're pretty strong on talk; but when it comes to action you aren't there! I asked you, and asked you, to give me just a handkerchief—nothing expensive: two heaps of stuff are lying around on your closet floor now without any care; but it didn't do any good; it's always give it to strangers, give it to strangers!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. There, now, Fomínishna, I'll never make this out till doomsday.
LÍPOCHKA. Let her go; she had a drink of beer after breakfast, and so she's getting fuzzy in her head.
FOMÍNISHNA. That's all right; what are you laughing at? How's it coming out, Agraféna Kondrátyevna? Sometimes the beginning is worse than the end.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. One can never find out anything from you! As soon as you begin to talk, we have to stop up our ears! Now, who was it who came here?
LÍPOCHKA. A man or a woman?
FOMÍNISHNA. You can never see anything but men! Where in the world did one ever see a man wearing a widow's bonnet? This is a widow's affair—so what should her name be?
LÍPOCHKA. Naturally, a woman without a husband, a widow.
FOMÍNISHNA. So I was right? And it comes out that it is a woman!
LÍPOCHKA. What a senseless creature! Well, who is the woman?
FOMÍNISHNA. There, there now, you're clever, but no guesser; it couldn't be anybody else but Ustinya Naúmovna.
LÍPOCHKA. Ah, mamma, how lucky!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Where has she been all this time? Bring her in quickly, Fomínishna.
FOMÍNISHNA. She'll appear herself in a second. She stopped in the yard, quarrelling with the porter; he didn't open the door quickly enough.
The same andUSTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. [Entering] Ouf, fa, fa! Why do you have such a steep staircase, my jewels? You climb, and climb, and much as ever you get there!
LÍPOCHKA. Oh, here she is! How are you, Ustinya Naúmovna?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Don't get in a hurry! There's people older than you.I want to chatter with your mamma a bit first. [Exchanges kisses withAGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA] How are you, Agraféna Kondrátyevna? How did you feelwhen you got up? How did you pass the night? All alive, my precious?
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Thank the Lord! I'm alive, able to chew; I've been joking with my daughter all the morning.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. All about dresses, I suppose. [Exchanging kisses withLÍPOCHKA] Well, your turn has come. What's this! It seems as if you had grown stouter, my jewel! Lord bless you! What could be better than to blossom out in beauty!
FOMÍNISHNA. Shame on you, temptress! You'll give us bad luck yet!
LÍPOCHKA. Oh, what nonsense! It just looks that way to you, Ustinya Naúmovna. I keep getting punier; first it's stomachache, then palpitation of the heart—just like the beating of a pendulum. Now I have a sinking feeling, or feel kind of seasick, and things swim before my eyes.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. [ToFOMÍNISHNA] Come on, you dear soul, let's have a kiss now. To be sure, we've already exchanged greetings in the yard, my jewel, so we don't need to rub lips again.
FOMÍNISHNA. Just as you wish. Of course I'm no lady of a household. I don't amount to much; all the same I have a soul in me, and not just vapor!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. [Sitting down] Sit down, sit down, Ustinya Naúmovna! Why do you stand up as stiff as a bean-pole? Fomínishna, go tell them to heat up the samovar.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. I've had my tea, I've had it, my jewel; may I perish on the spot if I haven't; and I've just dropped in for a moment.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. What are you loafing about for, Fomínishna? Run off a little more nimbly, granny.
LÍPOCHKA. Let me, mamma, I'll go quicker; look how clumsy she is!
FOMÍNISHNA. Don't you meddle where you aren't asked! For my part, my dear Agraféna Kondrátyevna, this is what I think: wouldn't it be nicer to serve cordial and some herring?
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Cordial's all right, and the samovar's all right. Or are you stingy with other people's stuff? Well, when it's ready, have it brought here.
FOMÍNISHNA. Certainly! All right! [She goes out.
The same, withoutFOMÍNISHNA
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Well, haven't you any news, Ustinya Naúmovna? This girl of mine is simply grieved to death.
LÍPOCHKA. And really, Ustinya Naúmovna, you keep coming, and coming, and no good comes of it.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. But one can't fix things up quickly with you, my jewels. Your daddy has his eye peeled for a rich fellow; he tells me he'll be satisfied with any bell-boy provided he has money and asks a small enough settlement. And your mamma also, Agraféna Kondrátyevna, is always wanting her own taste suited; you must be sure to give her a merchant, with a decoration, who keeps horses, and who crosses himself in the old way[1]. You also have your own notions. How's a person going to please you all?
The same andFOMÍNISHNA,who enters and places vodka and relishes on the table.
LÍPOCHKA. I won't marry a merchant, not for anything. I won't! As if I was brought up for that, and learned French[1], and to play the piano, and to dance! No, no; get him wherever you want to, but get me an aristocrat.
[Footnote 1: Evidently, Bolshóv and his family, like many other wealthy Moscow merchants, belonged to the sect of the Old Believers, one of whose dearest tenets is that the sign of the cross should be made with two fingers instead of with three.]
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Here, you talk with her.
FOMÍNISHNA. What put aristocrats into your head? What's the special relish in them? They don't even grow beards like Christians; they don't go to the public baths, and don't make pasties on holidays. But, you see, even if you're married, you'll get sick of nothing but sauce and gravy.
LÍPOCHKA. Fomínishna, you were born a peasant, and you'll turn up your toes a peasant. What's your merchant to me? What use would he be? Has he any ambition to rise in the world? What do I want of his mop?
FOMÍNISHNA. Not a mop, but the hair that God gave him, miss, that's it.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. See what a rough old codger your dad is; he doesn't trim his beard; yet, somehow, you manage to kiss him.
LÍPOCHKA. Dad is one thing, but my husband is another. But why do you insist, mamma? I have already said that I won't marry a merchant, and I won't! I'd rather die first; I'll cry to the end of my life; if tears give out, I'll swallow pepper.
FOMÍNISHNA. Are you getting ready to bawl? Don't you think of it!—What fun do you get out of teasing her, Agraféna Kondrátyevna?
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Who's teasing her? She's mighty touchy.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Well, well, if you've got your mind set on a nobleman, we'll find you one. What sort do you want; rather stout, or rather lean?
LÍPOCHKA. Doesn't matter, it's all right if he's rather stout, so long as he's no shorty. Of course he'd better be tall than an insignificant little runt! And most of all, Ustinya Naúmovna, he mustn't be snub-nosed, and he absolutely must be dark-complexioned. It's understood, of course, that he must be dressed like the men in the magazines. [She glances at the mirror] Oh, Lord, my hair looks like a feather-duster to-day!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Now, my jewel, I have a husband for you of the very sort you describe: aristocratic, tall, and brown-complected.
LÍPOCHKA. Oh, Ustinya Naúmovna! Not brown-complected, but dark-complexioned!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Yes, much I need, in my old age, to split my tongue talking your lingo. What I said, goes. He has peasants, and wears a norder about his neck. Now you go get dressed, and your mamma and I will talk this thing over.
LÍPOCHKA. Oh, my dear, sweet Ustinya Naúmovna, come up to my room a bit later; I must talk with you. Let's go, Fomínishna.
FOMÍNISHNA. Ha, what a fidgety child you are!
[They go out.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNAandUSTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Won't you have a sip of cordial before your tea,Ustinya Naúmovna?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Don't care if I do, my jewel.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. [Pouring] With my compliments.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. You ought to drink first, my pearl.
[Drinks.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. I'll look out for myself!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Ya! Phoo! Where d'you get this decoction?
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. At the wine-shop. [Drinks.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Buy it in bulk, I suppose?
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. By the gallon. What should you want to buy in small quantities for? Our expenses, you see, are heavy.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What's the use of talking, my dear, what's the use! Now, I've been bustling about, bustling about for you, Agraféna Kondrátyevna; trudging, trudging over the pavement, and at last I've grubbed up a suitable man: you'll gasp for joy, my jewels, for a fact.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. At last you're talking sense!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. A man of birth and of standing; such a grandee as you never even dreamed of.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. I see I'll have to ask Samsón Sílych for a couple of fivers for you.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. That's all right, my jewel, I don't mind! And he has peasants, wears a norder on his neck; and as for intellect, why, he's simply a bonanza.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Then, Ustinya Naúmovna, you ought to have informed him that our daughter hasn't got piles of money.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. But he doesn't know where to put his own.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. That would be good, and jolly good; only, look here,Ustinya Naúmovna, and just consider it yourself, my friend: what am I goingto do with a nobleman for a son-in-law? I shan't dare say a word to him;I'll be all at sea.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. It's a little scary at first, my jewel, but afterwards you'll get used to things, you'll manage somehow or other. But, here, we must talk a bit with Samsón Sílych; he may even know him, this man of ours.
The same andRISPOLÓZHENSKY
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. [Entering] I've come to you, my dear Agraféna Kondrátyevna. I was going to have a talk with Samsón Sílych, but he was busy, I saw, so I thought: now, I'll go to Agraféna Kondrátyevna. By the way, is that vodka, near you? I'll just take a thimbleful, Agraféna Kondrátyevna. [Drinks.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. With my compliments, my dear sir. Please sit down, won't you? How are you getting along?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. What a life I live! Well, I'm just loafing, Agraféna Kondrátyevna; you know yourself, my family's large, business is dull. But I don't grumble; it's a sin to grumble, Agraféna Kondrátyevna.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. That's the last thing in the world to do, my dear sir.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Whoever grumbles, I think, offends against God, AgrafénaKondrátyevna. This is the way it happened—
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. What are your front names, my dear sir? I keep forgetting.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Sysóy Psoich, my dear Agraféna Kondrátyevna.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What does Psoich mean, my jewel? What lingo is that[1]?
[Footnote 1: The name lends itself to the interpretation, "son of a dog (pes)."]
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. I can't tell you positively: they called my fatherPsoy—well, naturally, that makes me Psoich.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. But, Psoich, like that, Psoich! However, that's nothing; there are worse, my jewel.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Well, Sysóy Psoich, what was it you were going to tell us?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Well, it was like this, my dear Agraféna Kondrátyevna: it isn't as if it were a proverb, in a kind of fable, but a real occurrence. I'll just take a thimbleful, Agraféna Kondrátyevna. [Drinks.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Help yourself, my dear sir, help yourself.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. [Sits down] There was an old man, a venerable old man—Here, I've forgotten where it was, my dear madam—only it was in some desert spot. He had twelve daughters, my dear madam; each younger than the other! He didn't have the strength to work himself; his wife, too, was very old, the children were still small; and one has to eat and drink. What they had was used up by the time they were old, and there was no one to give them food and drink. Where could they find refuge with their little children? Then he set to thinking this way, then that way.—No, my dear lady, that's where thinking won't do any good. "I'll go," he said, "to the crossroads; perhaps I can get something from charitable people." He sat all day. "God'll help you," they told him. Sits there another day "God'll help you!" Well, my dear lady, he began to murmur.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Holy saints!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. "Good Lord!" he said, "I'm no extortioner, I'm no usurer—it would be better," he said, "to lay hands on myself."
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Merciful heavens!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. And lo! my dear madam, there came a dream to him in the night——
The same and BOLSHÓV
BOLSHÓV. Ha, you here, sir? What's this you're preaching here?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. [Bows] I hope you're well, Samsón Sílych.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Why, my jewel! You seem to be growing thin. Or have you been crippled somehow?
BOLSHÓV. [Sitting down] Must be I've caught cold, or perhaps my blood's in a bad way.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Well, Sysóy Psoich, and what happened to him next?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Some other time, Agraféna Kondrátyevna, some other time I'll finish telling; I'll run in some day about dusk and tell you about it fully.
BOLSHÓV. What's the matter with you; trying to be sanctimonious? Ha, ha, ha! It's time you came to!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. There, now, you're beginning! You won't let us have a heart-to-heart talk together.
BOLSHÓV. Heart-to-heart talk! Ha, ha, ha! But you just ask him how his case was lost from court; there's the story he'll tell you better.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. On the contrary, it was not lost! That's not true, SamsónSílych!
BOLSHÓV. Then what did they turn you out for?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. This is why, my dear Agraféna Kondrátyevna. I took one case home with me from the court; on the way my friend and I just stepped aside—mortal man is weak; well, you understand—if you'll permit me to say it, into the wine-shop, so to speak. I left it there, and when I was rather tipsy, I suppose, I forgot it. What of that? It might happen to anybody. Afterwards, my dear lady, they missed that case in court; we looked and looked, and I went home twice with the bailiff—still we couldn't find it. They wanted to bring me to trial, but suddenly I remembered: it must be, now, I forgot that thing and left it in the wine-shop. I went there with the bailiff, and there it was.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. I declare! That may happen to a sober man as well as to one who drinks. What a pity!
BOLSHÓV. How is it they didn't send you off to Kamchatka?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. To Kamchatka! But why, permit me to ask you, why should they send me off to Kamchatka?
BOLSHÓV. Why? Because you're drunk and disorderly. Do they have to show you any indulgence? Why, you'll just kill yourself drinking.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. On the contrary, they spared me. You see, my dear Agraféna Kondrátyevna, they wanted to try me for that very thing—I went immediately to our general, and flopped at his feet! "Your Excellency!" I said. "Don't ruin me! I've a wife," I said, "and little children!" "Well," he said, "deuce take you; they won't strike a man when he's down: tender your resignation, so I shan't see you here." So he spared me. What now! God bless him! He doesn't forget me even now; sometimes I run in to see him on a holiday: "Well," says he, "how are you, Sysóy Psoich?" "I came, your Excellency, to wish you a happy holiday." So, I went to the Troitsa monastery not long ago, and brought him a consecrated wafer. I'll just take a thimbleful, Agraféna Kondrátyevna. [Drinks.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. With my compliments, my dear sir. Ustinya Naúmovna, let's you and me go out; the samovar is ready, I suppose; I'll show you that we have something new for the wedding outfit.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. I suppose, my jewel, you have heaps of stuff ready.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Why certainly. The new materials have come, and it seems as if we didn't have to pay money for them.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What's the use of talking, my pearl! You have your own shop, and it's as if they grew in your garden. [They go out.
BOLSHÓV and RISPOLÓZHENSKY
BOLSHÓV. Well, Sysóy Psoich, I suppose you've wasted a good deal of ink in your time on this pettifoggery?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. He, he! Samsón Sílych, cheap goods! But I came to inquire how your business is getting on.
BOLSHÓV. You did! Much you need to know! Bah, you low-down people! You bloodsuckers! Just let you scent out something or other, and immediately you sneak round with your diabolical suggestions.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. What kind of a suggestion could come from me, Samsón Sílych? What kind of a teacher should I be, when you yourself, perhaps, are ten times wiser than I am? I shall do what I'm asked to do. How can I help it? I'd be a hog if I didn't; because I, it may be said, am loaded with favors by you, and so are my kiddies. I'm too much of a fool to advise you; you know your own business yourself better than anybody else.
BOLSHÓV. Know my own business! That's the trouble; men like me, merchants, blockheads, understand nothing; and this just serves the turn of such leeches as you. And now you'll besiege me on every side and haunt me to death.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. How can I help haunting you? If I didn't love you I wouldn't haunt you. Haven't I any feelings? Am I really a mere dumb brute?
BOLSHÓV. I know that you love me—you all love us; only one can't get anything decent out of you. Here I'm worrying, worrying with this business so that I'm worn out, if you believe me, with this one anxiety. If I could only get it over with, and out of my head.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Well, Samsón Sílych, you aren't the first, nor the last; aren't others doing it?
BOLSHÓV. How can they help it, brother? Others are doing it. But how do they do it; without shame, without conscience! They ride in carriages with easy springs; they live in three-storied houses. One of them will build a belvedere with pillars, in which he's ashamed to show his ugly phiz; and that's the end of him, and you can't get anything out of him. These carriages will roll away, Lord knows where; all his houses are mortgaged, and all the creditors will get out of it'll be three pairs of old boots. That's the whole story. And who is it that he'll fool? Just some poor beggars whom he'll send out into the world in nothing but their shirts. But my creditors are all rich men; what difference will it make to them?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Naturally. Why, Samsón Sílych, all that is in our hands.
BOLSHÓV. I know that it's in our hands; but are you equal to handling this affair? You see, you lawyers are a rum lot. Oh, I know you! You're nimble enough in words, and then you go and mess things up.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. But come now, Samsón Sílych, if you please: do you think this is the first time for me! As though I didn't know that already! He, he, he! Yes, I've done such things before; and they've turned out fine. They'd have sent anybody else long ago for such jobs to the other side of nowhere.
BOLSHÓV. Oho! What kind of a scheme will you get up?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Why, we'll see—according to circumstances. I'll just take a thimbleful, Samsón Sílych. [Drinks] Now, the first thing, Samsón Sílych, we must mortgage the house and shops; or sell them. That's the first thing.
BOLSHÓV. Yes, that positively must be done right away. But on whom shall we shove the stuff? Shall it be my wife?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Illegal, Samsón Sílych! That's illegal! It is stated in the laws that such sales are not valid. It's an easy thing to do, but you'll have to see that there're no hitches afterward. If it's to be done, it must be done thoroughly, Samsón Sílych.
BOLSHÓV. That's it: there must be no loose ends.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. If you make it over to an outsider, there's nothing they can cavil at. Let 'em try to make a row later, and try to dispute good legal papers.
BOLSHÓV. But here's the trouble: when you make over your house to an outsider, maybe it'll stick to him, like a flea to a soldier.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Well, Samsón Sílych, you must look for a man who knows what conscience is.
BOLSHÓV. But where are you going to find him nowadays? Everybody's watching his chance these days to grab you by the collar; and here you want conscience!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Here's my idea, Samsón Sílych, whether you want to listen to me or not: what sort of a fellow is your clerk?
BOLSHÓV. Which one? Do you mean Lázar?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Yes; Lázar Elizárych.
BOLSHÓV. All right, Lázar; make it over to him; he's a young man with understanding, and he has some capital.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. What do you want, Samsón Sílych, a mortgage-deed or a purchase-deed?
BOLSHÓV. Whichever you can get at the lowest interest rate'll suit me. But do the thing up brown and I'll give you such a fee, Sysóy Psoich, as'll fairly make your hair curl.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Set your mind at rest, Samsón Sílych, I know my own business. But have you talked to Lázar Elizárych about this thing or not? Samsón Sílych, I'll just take a thimbleful. [Drinks.
BOLSHÓV. Not yet. We'll talk it over to-day. He's a capable lad; only wink at him, and he understands. And he'll do the business up so tight that you can't get in a finger. Well! we'll mortgage the house; and then what?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Then we'll write out a statement that such and such notes are due, and that we'll pay twenty-five kopeks on the ruble: well, then go see the creditors. If anybody is especially stubborn, you can add a bit, and if a man gets real angry, pay him the whole bill. You'll pay him on the condition that he writes that he accepted twenty-five kopeks—just for appearances, to show the others. "That's the wayhedid," you see; and the others, seeing the document, will agree.
BOLSHÓV. That's right, there's no harm in bargaining: if they don't take it at twenty-five kopeks, they'll take it at half a ruble; but if they won't take it at half a ruble, they'll grab for it with both hands at seventy kopeks. We'll profit, anyhow. There, you can say what you please, but I have a marriageable daughter; I want to pass her on, and get rid of her. And then, my boy, it'll be time for me to take a rest; I'll have an easy time lying on my back; and to the devil with all this trading! But here comes Lázar.
The same andPODKHALYÚZIN,who enters
BOLSHÓV. What do you say, Lázar? Just come from town? How are your affairs?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Oh, they're getting on so-so; thank God, sir! Good morning,Sysóy Psoich! [Bows.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. How do you do, my dear Lázar Elizárych! [Bows.
BOLSHÓV. If they're getting on, let 'em get. [After a short silence] But, look here, Lázar, when you make up the balance for me at your leisure, you might deduct the retail items sold to the gentry, and the rest of that sort of thing. You see, we're trading and trading, my boy, but there's not a kopek of profit in it. Maybe the clerks are going wrong and are carrying off stuff to their folks and mistresses. You ought to give 'em a word of advice. What's the use of fooling around without making any profits? Don't they know the tricks of the trade? It's high time, it seems to me.
PODKHALYÚZIN. How in the world can they help knowing, Samsón Sílych? It seems as if I were always in town and always talking to them, sir.
BOLSHÓV. But what do you say?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why, the usual thing, sir. I try to have everything in order and as it should be. "Now, my boys," I say, "look sharp, now. Maybe there's a chance for a sale; some idiot of a purchaser may turn up, or a colored pattern may catch some young lady's eye, and click!" I say, "you add a ruble or two to the price per yard."
BOLSHÓV. I suppose you know, brother, how the Germans in our shops swindle the gentlemen. Even if we're not Germans, but orthodox Christians, we, too, like to eat stuffed pasties. Ain't that so? Ha?
RISPOLÓZHENSKYlaughs.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why certainly, sir. "And you must measure," I say, "more naturally: pull and stretch ju-u-u-st enough, God save us, not to tear the cloth: you see," I say, "we don't have to wear it afterwards. Well, and if they look the other way, nobody's to blame if you should happen to measure one yard of cloth twice."
BOLSHÓV. It's all one. I suppose the tailor'd steal it. Ha? He'd steal it,I suppose?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. He'd steal it, Samsón Sílych, certainly that rascal would steal it; I know these tailors.
BOLSHÓV. That's it; the whole lot of them are rascals, and we get the thanks.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Quite right, Samsón Sílych, you're certainly speaking the truth.
BOLSHÓV. Ah, Lázar, profits are rotten these days: it's not as it used to be. [After a moment of silence] Well, did you bring the paper?
PODKHALYÚZIN. [Taking it from his pocket and handing it over] Be so good as to read it, sir.
BOLSHÓV. Just give it here; we'll take a look. [He puts on his spectacles and examines the paper.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Samsón Sílych, I'll just take a thimbleful.He drinks, then puts on his spectacles, sits down besideBOLSHÓV,and looks at the newspapers.
BOLSHÓV. [Reads aloud] "Crown announcements, and from various societies. One, two, three, four, five, and six, from the Foundlings' Hospital." That's not in our line: it's not for us to buy peasants. "Seven and eight from Moscow University, from the Government Regencies, from the Office of the Board of Charities." Well, we'll pass that up, too. "From the City Council of Six." Now, sir, maybe there's something here! [He reads] "The Moscow City Council of Six hereby announces: Would not some one care to take in his charge the collection of taxes as named below?" That's not our line, you have to give security. "The Office of the Widows' Home hereby invites—" Let it invite, we won't go. "From the Orphans' Court." I haven't any father or mother, myself. [Examines farther] Aha! Here something's slipped up! Listen here, Lázar! "Year so-and-so, twelfth day of September, according to the decision of the Commerce Court, the merchant Fedót Selivérstov Pleshkóv, of the first guild, was declared an insolvent debtor, in consequence of which—" What's the use of explaining? Everybody knows the consequences. There you are, Fedót Selivérstov! What a grandee he was, and he's gone to smash! But say, Lázar, doesn't he owe us something?
PODKHALYÚZIN. He owes us a very little, sir. They took somewhere between six and eight barrels of sugar for home use.
BOLSHÓV. A bad business, Lázar. Well, he'll pay me back in full, out of friendliness.
PODKHALYÚZIN. It's doubtful, Sir.
BOLSHÓV. We'll settle it somehow. [Reads] "Moscow merchant of the first guild, Antíp Sysóyev Enótov, declared an insolvent debtor—" Doesheowe us anything?
PODKHALYÚZIN. For vegetable oil, sir; just before Lent they took about three kegs, sir.
BOLSHÓV. Those blooming vegetarians that keep all the fasts! They want to please God at other people's expense. Brother, don't you trust their sedate ways! Those people cross themselves with one hand, and slip the other into your pocket. Here's the third; "Moscow merchant of the second guild, Efrém Lúkin Poluarshínnikov[1], declared an insolvent debtor." Well, what about him?
[Footnote 1: Half a yard.]
PODKHALYÚZIN. We have his note, sir.
BOLSHÓV. Protested?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Yes, sir. He himself's in hiding, sir.
BOLSHÓV. Well! And the fourth there, Samopálov. Why! have they got a combination against us?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Such an underhanded gang, sir.
BOLSHÓV. [Turning over the pages] One couldn't get through reading them until to-morrow. Take it away!
PODKHALYÚZIN. They only dirty the paper. What a moral lesson for the whole merchant corporation! [Silence.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Good-by, Samsón Sílych, I'll run home now; I have some little matters to look after.
BOLSHÓV. You might sit a little while longer.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. No, confound it, Samsón Sílych, I haven't time. I'll come to you as early as possible to-morrow morning.
BOLSHÓV. Well, as you choose!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Good-by! Good-by, Lázar Elizárych! [He goes out.
BOLSHÓVandPODKHALYÚZIN
BOLSHÓV. Now consider, Lázar, what trading's like: just think about it. You think it's getting money for nothing? "Money, not much!" they tell you; "ain't seen any for a long time. Take my note," they say. But what are you going to get from some people on a note? Here I have about a hundred thousand rubles' worth of 'em lying around, and with protests. You don't do anything but add to the heap each year. If you want, I'll sell you the whole pile for half a ruble in silver. You'll never catch the men who signed 'em even with bloodhounds. Some have died off, some have run away; there's not even a single man to put in the pen. Suppose you do send one there, Lázar, that doesn't do you any good; some of 'em will hold on so that you can't smoke 'em out. "I'm all right here," they say, "you go hang!" Isn't that so, Lázar?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Just so, that's the way it happens.
BOLSHÓV. Always notes, notes! But what on earth is a note? Absolutely nothing but paper, if I may say so. And if you discount it, they do it at a rate that makes your belly ache, and you pay for it later with your own property. [After a brief silence] It's better not to have dealings with provincials: always on credit, always on credit; and if he ever does bring the money, it's in slick small change—you look, and there's neither head nor tail to the coins, and the denomination's rubbed off long ago. But do as you please here! You'd better not show your goods to the tradesman of this place; any one of 'em'll go into any warehouse and sniff and peck, and peck, and then clear out. It'd be all right if there were no goods, but what do you expect a man to trade in? I've got one apothecary shop, one dry goods, the third a grocery. No use, none of them pays. You needn't even go to the market; they cut the prices down worse than the devil knows what; but if you sell a horse-collar, you have to throw in trimmings and earnest money, and treat the fellows, and stand all sorts of losses through wrong weights. That's the way it goes! Don't you realize that?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Seems I ought to realize it, sir.
BOLSHÓV. There's business for you, and that's the way to do it. [Silence]Well, Lázar, what do you think?
PODKHALYÚZIN. What should I think, sir? That's just as you please. My business is that of a subordinate.
BOLSHÓV. What do you mean, subordinate? Just speak out freely. I'm asking you about the business.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Again, Samsón Sílych, it's just as you please, sir.
BOLSHÓV. You twaddle one thing: "As you please." But what do you think?
PODKHALYÚZIN. That I can't say, sir.
BOLSHÓV. [After a brief silence] Tell me, Lázar, on your conscience; do you love me? [Silence] Do you love me or not? Why are you silent? [Silence] I've given you food and drink, set you up in the world; haven't I?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Oh, Samsón Sílych! What's the use of talking about it, sir?Don't have any doubts about me! Only one word: I'm just such as you see me.
BOLSHÓV. What do you mean by that?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why, if you need anybody or anything whatsoever, you can count on me. I shan't spare myself.
BOLSHÓV. Well, then, there's nothing more to be said. In my opinion, Lázar, now is the most proper time; we have a good deal of ready cash, and all the notes have fallen due. What's the use of waiting? You'll wait, if you please, until some merchant just like yourself, the dirty cur, will strip you bare, and then, you'll see, he'll make an agreement at ten kopeks on the ruble, and he'll wallow in his millions, and won't think you're worth spitting at. But you, an honorable tradesman, must just watch him, and suffer—keep on staring. Here's what I think, Lázar: to offer the creditors such a proposition as this—will they accept from me twenty-five kopeks on the ruble? What do you think?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why, according to my notion, Samsón Sílych, if you're going to pay at the rate of twenty-five kopeks, it would be more decent not to pay at all.
BOLSHÓV. Why, really, that's so. You won't scare anybody by a bluff; but it's better to settle the affair on the quiet. Then wait for the Lord to judge you at the Second Coming. Only it's a heap of trouble. I'm going to mortgage my house and shops to you.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Impossible to do it without some bother, sir. You'll have to get rid of the notes for something, sir; have the merchandise transferred somewhere further off. We'll get busy, sir!
BOLSHÓV. Just so. Although an old man, I'm going to get busy. But are you going to help?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Good gracious, Samsón Sílych, I'll go through fire and water, sir.
BOLSHÓV. What could be better! Why the devil should I scratch around for pennies. I'll make one swoop, and that's an end to it! Only God give us the nerve! Thanks, Lázar. You've treated me like a friend. [He rises] Now, get busy! [He goes up to him and taps him on the shoulder] If you get the thing done properly, you and I'll divide the profits. I'll reward you for the rest of your life.
[He goes to the door.
PODKHALYÚZIN. I don't need anything, Samsón Sílych, except your peace of mind, sir. I've lived with you since my earliest years, and I've received countless favors from you; it may be said, sir, you took me as a little brat, to sweep out your shops; consequently I simply must be grateful.
Office in the house of BOLSHÓV. Rear centre a door; on the left a staircase leading to the floor above.
TISHKAnear the front of the stage, with a brush
TISHKA. What a life, what a life! Sweep the floors before daylight! And is it my business to sweep floors? Things aren't the same here as with decent folks. Now if the other bosses have a boy, he lives with the boys; that is, he hangs around the shop. But with me it's now here, now there, tramp the pavement all day as if you were crazy. You'll soon feather your nest—I don't think! Decent people keep a porter for running around; but at our place he lies on the stove with the kittens, or he hangs around with the cook; butyou'rein demand. At other people's it's easy-going; if you get into mischief now and then, they make allowances for your youth. But at our house—if it isn't he, then it's somebody else; either the old man or the old woman will give you a hiding; otherwise there's the clerk Lázar, or there's Fomínishna, or there's—any old rascal can lord it over you. What a cursed life it is! But if you want to tear yourself away from the house and go somewhere with friends to play three-card monte, or have a game of handball—don't think of such a thing! Now, really, there's something feels wrong in my head. [He climbs upon a chair on his knees and looks in the mirror] How do you do, Tikhon Savostyánovich! How are you getting along? Are you all top notch? Now, then, Tishka, just do a stunt. [He makes a grimace] That's what! [Another] Exactly like——
[He bursts out laughing.
TISHKAandPODKHALYÚZIN,who steals in and seizes him by the collar.
PODKHALYÚZIN. What are you doing there, you little imp?
TISHKA. What? You know what! I was wiping off dust!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Were you wiping it off with your tongue? As if you could find any dust on the mirror! I'll show you some dust! You're showing off! I'll just warm up the nape of your neck so you'll know it.
TISHKA. Know what? Now what have I done?
PODKHALYÚZIN. What have you done? What have you done? Say another word and you'll find out what! Just let out a peep!
TISHKA. Yes, a peep! I'm going to tell the boss, and then you'll catch it!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Going to tell the boss! What's your boss to me? Why, if it came to that—what's your boss to me!—Why, you're just a kid that has to be taught; what were you thinking of? If we didn't wallop you imps there'd be no good come of you. That's the regular way of doing things. I, myself, my boy, have come through fire, water, and copper pipes.
TISHKA. I know you did.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Shhh—you little devil! [Threatening him.
TISHKA. Ha, just try it! I'll sure tell, honest to goodness I will.
PODKHALYÚZIN. What are you going to tell, you devil's pepper-pot?
TISHKA. What'll I say? Why, that you scold!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Great impression that'll make! You're quite a gentleman! Come here, sir! Has Sysóy Psoich been here?
TISHKA. He sure has.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Talk sense, you little devil! Was he going to come again?
TISHKA. He was that!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Well, you can run along, now.
TISHKA. Do you want any vodka?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Yes, I do. I'll have to treat Sysóy Psoich. [He gives money] Buy a bottle, but you keep the change for gingerbread. But see that you hurry, so they don't miss you here!
TISHKA. I'll be home before a short-haired girl can twist her braids. Off I go, hippity-hop.
PODKHALYÚZINalone
PODKHALYÚZIN. What a misfortune! Here's where a misfortune has come upon us! What's to be done now? Well, it's a bad business. Now we can't avoid declaring ourselves bankrupt. Well, suppose the boss should have something left over; but where do I come in? What shall I do with myself? Sell junk in the second-hand market! I've worked, I've worked about twenty years, and then to be sent rambling! Now, how am I going to settle this matter? Perhaps with merchandise? Here, he said to sell the notes. [He draws them out and reads them] It must be that it's going to be possible to profit by it. [He walks about the room] They say a fellow ought to know what conscience is. Well, of course he ought to; but in what sense must he understand that? Everybody has conscience where a good man is concerned; but when the man himself is cheating others, then where does your conscience come in? Samsón Sílych is a very rich merchant, and has hatched up this whole business now just to kill time, so to speak. But I'm a poor man! If I should make a little extra profit in this business—then there can't be any sin in it; because he himself is acting dishonorably, and going against the law. And why should I pity him? The course is clear; well, don't slip up on it: he follows his politics, and you look out for your interest. I'd have seen the thing through with him, but I don't feel like it. Hm!—What day-dreams will come into a man's head! Of course, Olimpiáda Samsónovna is a cultivated young lady; and it must be said, there're none on earth like her; but of course that suitor won't take her now; he'll say, "Give me money!" But where are you going to get money? And now she can't marry a nobleman because she hasn't any money. Sooner or later they'll have to marry her to a merchant. [He walks on in silence] I'll raise the dough, and bow to Samsón Sílych. "Samsón Sílych," says I, "I'm at an age when I must think about the continuance of posterity; and I, now, Samsón Sílych, haven't grudged my sweat and blood for your tranquillity. To be sure, now, Olimpiáda Samsónovna is a cultivated young lady; but I, Samsón Sílych, am no common trash; you can see for yourself, if you please. I have capital, and I'm a good manager in that line." Why shouldn't he give her to me? Ain't I a man? I haven't been detected in any knavery; I'm respectful to my elders. But in addition to all that, as Samsón Sílych has mortgaged his house and shops to me, I can frighten him with the mortgage. Knowing as I do the disposition of Samsón Sílych to be what it is, that may very easily happen. This is the way with his sort: once they get an idea into their head, you simply can't drive it out. It's just as when, three years ago, he wanted to shave his beard. No matter how much Agraféna Kondrátyevna begged and wept, "No," he said, "afterwards I'll let it grow again; but for the time being I'll have my own way." And he took and shaved it. It's the same way with this business; if I make a hit with him, or the idea strikes him all right—then it's sweet wedding-bells to-morrow, and that's all, and don't you dare argue! I could jump from the tower of Ivan the Great for the joy of it.
EnterTISHKAwith the bottle.
PODKHALYÚZINandTISHKA
TISHKA. [Coming in with the bottle] Here I am! I've come.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Listen, Tishka, is Ustinya Naúmovna here?
TISHKA. Up-stairs there. And the shyster's coming.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Well, put the vodka on the table, and bring some relishes.
TISHKAputs down the vodka and brings relishes; then goes out.
PODKHALYÚZINandRISPOLÓZHENSKY
PODKHALYÚZIN. Ah, my respects to you, sir!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Mine to you, my dear Lázar Elizárych, mine to you! Fine. I think, now, perhaps there's something I can do. Is that vodka, near you? I'll just take a thimbleful, Lázar Elizárych. My hands have begun to shake mornings, especially the right one. When I go to write something, Lázar Elizárych, I have to hold it with my left. I swear I do. But take a sip of vodka, and it seems to do it good. [Drinks.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why do your hands shake?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. [Sits down by the table] From anxiety, Lázar Elizárych; from anxiety, my boy.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Indeed, sir! But I suppose it's because you're plundering people overmuch. God is punishing you for your unrighteousness.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. He, he, he!—Lázar Elizárych! How could I plunder anybody? My business is of a small sort. I'm like a little bird, picking up small grains.
PODKHALYÚZIN. You deal in small quantities, of course?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. You'd deal even in small quantities if you couldn't get anything else. Well, it wouldn't matter so much if I were alone; but, you see, I have a wife and four kiddies. They all want to eat, the little dears. One says, "Daddy, give me!" Another says, "Daddy, give me!" And I'm a man who feels strongly for his family. Here I entered one boy in the high school; he has to have a uniform, and then something else. And what's to become of the old shack?—Why, how much shoe-leather you wear out simply walking from Butírky to the Voskresénsky Gates.
PODKHALYÚZIN. That's right, sir.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. And why do you make the trip? You write a little petition for one man, you register somebody else in the citizen class. Some days you'll not bring home half a ruble in silver. I vow, I'm not lying! Then what're you going to live on? Lázar Elizárych, I'll just take a thimbleful. [Drinks] "So," I think, "I'll just drop in on Lázar Elizárych; perhaps he'll spare me a little change."
PODKHALYÚZIN. For what sort of knavery, sir?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. What do you mean by knavery! Come, that's a sin, Lázar Elizárych! Don't I serve you? I'm your servant till the grave; command me what you want. And I fixed up the mortgage for you!
PODKHALYÚZIN. See here, you've been paid! And it's not your business to keep harping on the same string!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Just so, Lázar Elizárych, I've been paid. Just so! Ah,Lázar Elizárych, poverty has crushed me!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Poverty crushed you! Oh, that happens, sir. [He approaches and sits down by the table] Well, sir, I have a little extra money; I've no place to put it. [Lays his pocketbook on the table.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. What, you, Lázar Elizárych? Extra money? I'm afraid you're joking.
PODKHALYÚZIN. All joking aside, sir.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Well, if you have a little extra money, why not help a poor man? God'll reward you for it.
PODKHALYÚZIN. But d'you need much?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Give me just three rubles.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Is that all, sir?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Well, give me five.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Oh, ask more!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Well, then, if you'll be so good, give me ten.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Ten, sir! What, for nothing?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Indeed not! I'll work it off, Lázar Elizárych; we'll be quits sometime or other.
PODKHALYÚZIN. That's all talk, sir. The snail keeps going, and sometime she'll get there! But here's the little business I want to put up to you now: did Samsón Sílych promise you much for fixing up this scheme?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. I'm ashamed to tell you, Lázar Elizárych! A thousand rubles and an old coon-skin overcoat. No one will accept less than I, by heavens; just go and inquire prices.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Well, here's what, Sysóy Psoich; I'll give you two thousand for that identical business, sir.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Oh, Lázar Elizárych, my benefactor! I and my wife and children'll be your slaves!
PODKHALYÚZIN. One hundred in silver, spot cash; but the rest later upon the completion of the whole business, sir!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Now, then, how can one help praying for people like you! Only a kind of ignorant swine could fail to feel that. I bow down to your feet, Lázar Elizárych!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Really now, what for, sir? Only, Sysóy Psoich, don't run about like a chicken with its head cut off, but go in for accuracy—straight to the point, and walk the line. Do you understand, sir?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. How can I help understanding? Why, Lázar Elizárych, do you think I'm still a boy? It's time I understood!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Yes, but what do you understand? Here's the way things are, sir. Just listen first. Samsón Sílych and I came to town, and we brought along the list as was proper. Then he went to the creditors: this one didn't agree, that one didn't agree; that's the way, and not a single one will take up the proposition. That's the way the affair stands.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. What's that you say, Lázar Elizárych? Oh! Just think of it, what a gang.
PODKHALYÚZIN. And how are we going to make a good thing out of this business now? Do you understand me, or not?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. That is, the insolvency, Lázar Elizárych?
PODKHALYÚZIN. The insolvency will take care of itself; but I mean my own business affairs.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. He, he, he!—That is, the house and the shops—even—the house—he, he, he!——
PODKHALYÚZIN. What's the matter, sir?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. No, sir; that's just my foolishness; I was just joking.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Fine jokes, indeed! Don't you joke about that, sir. The house is nothing; I have such a dream in my head now about that subject, that I must talk it over with you at length. Just come to my room, sir. Tishka!