The same andTISHKA
PODKHALYÚZIN. Put all this in order! Well, let's go, Sysóy Psoich!
TISHKAis about to carry away the vodka.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Wait, wait! Eh, my boy, what an idiot you are! If you see that a fellow wants to drink, just wait a bit. You just wait a bit. You're young yet, but you just be polite and condescending. Lázar Elizárych, I'll just take a thimbleful.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Help yourself, only hurry up; I'm afraidhe'llcome.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Right away, my dear Lázar Elizárych, right away! [Drinks and smacks his lips] But it would be better to take it with us. [They go out.
TISHKAarranges something or other; from above descendUSTÍNYA NAÚMOVNAandFOMÍNISHNA. TISHKAgoes out.
FOMÍNISHNA. Now do fix it up for her, Ustinya Naúmovna! You see the girl is all worked up; and, indeed, it's time, my dear. Youth isn't a bottomless kettle, and they say it gets empty. I can say that from my own experience. I got married when I was thirteen; but in another month she'll have passed her nineteenth year. Why let her pine away for nothing? Others of her age have long since borne children. And so, my dear, why let her pine away?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. I keep thinking about that myself, my jewel; but the thing isn't held up on my account; I have a whole pack of suitors, all right. But, confound it, she and her mother are mighty particular.
FOMÍNISHNA. Why should they be particular? Well, the chief thing is that they should be fresh-complexioned people, not bald, and not smell bad; and then anything'll pass, so it's a man!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. [Sitting down] Sit down a minute, my jewel. I have worn myself out the livelong day; from early morning I've been tearing around like a wet hen. But, you see, I couldn't neglect anything; I'm an indispensable person everywhere. Naturally, my jewel, every person is a human being: a man needs a wife, a girl a husband; give it to them if you have to rob the cradle; then here and there there's a genuine wedding. And who fixes them up? Why, I do. Ustinya Naúmovna has to bear the burden for all of them. And why does she have to? Because that's the way things are; from the beginning of the world, that's the way the wheel was wound up. However, to tell the truth, they don't cheat me for my trouble: one gives me the material for a dress, another a fringed shawl, another makes up a cap for you, and here and there you'll get a gold piece, and here and there something better—just what the job deserves and they're able to pay.
FOMÍNISHNA. What's the use of talking, my dear; what's the use of talking!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Sit down, Fomínishna; your legs are old and rickety.
FOMÍNISHNA. Eh! Haven't time, my dear! You see, it's just awful; becausehedoesn't come home we're all scared to death: he may come home drunk at any time. And then what a bad one, good Lord! Then what a row he'll kick up.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Naturally; a rich peasant is worse than the devil to talk to.
FOMÍNISHNA. We've seen him do terrible things. One night last week he came home drunk. He tore around, and what a row! It was simply awful; he smashed the china—"Ooo!" he said, "I'll kill the whole crowd of you at once!"
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Vulgarity!
FOMÍNISHNA. That's the truth, my dear. But I'll just run up-stairs, darling—Agraféna Kondrátyevna is alone in my room. When you're going home, come back to me; I'll tie up a bit of ham for you. [She mounts the stairs.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. I'll follow, my jewel, I'll follow.
PODKHALYÚZINenters.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNAandPODKHALYÚZIN
PODKHALYÚZIN. Ah! Ustinya Naúmovna! It's been ages since I've seen you, ma'am.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. How are you, dear soul! How've you been?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Oh, able to be around, ma'am.
[He sits down.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. I'll capture a little mamzelle for you if you want me to.PODKHALYÚZIN. Thank you kindly—I don't need one yet.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. If you don't want one yourself, my jewel, I'll do a good turn for your friends. I suppose you have friends around town, a whole pack.
PODKHALYÚZIN. I have quite a few, ma'am.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Well, if you have, thank the Lord! If you know of a marriageable man, whether he's a bachelor, unmarried, or a widower—drag him straight to me.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Will you find him a wife?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. I will. Why shouldn't I find him a wife? I'll do it in a jiffy.
PODKHALYÚZIN. That's very fine, ma'am, But now I ask you, Ustinya Naúmovna, why do you come here to us so confoundedly often?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What's that to you? Why shouldn't I come? I'm no thief, no sheep without a name. What do you mean by that question?
PODKHALYÚZIN. But, really, aren't you wasting your time coming?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Wasting my time? Where did you get that idea, my jewel? Just see here, what sort of a husband I've found: an aristocrat, has peasants, and a fine young man.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why has the thing come to a halt, ma'am?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. It hasn't come to a halt! He wanted to come to-morrow to get acquainted. So we'll hitch him up, and it'll all be over.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Hitch him up, try it—he'll give you the slip.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What's the matter, are you in your right mind, my jewel?
PODKHALYÚZIN. You'll see!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. May I die before to-night, but you're either drunk, my jewel, or you've wandered clean out of your head.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Be so good as not to trouble yourself about that; you look out for yourself; but I know what I know.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Well, what do you know?
PODKHALYÚZIN. No matter what I know, ma'am.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. If you know something, tell me what it is: I suppose your tongue won't fall off.
PODKHALYÚZIN. That's the point of the thing—that I can't tell it.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Why can't you? Why do you hesitate to tell me, my jewel?Go ahead, talk—it doesn't matter what it is.
PODKHALYÚZIN. It's not a matter of conscience. But if I tell you, of course you'll go and blab!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Curst if I do! You may chop off my hand!
PODKHALYÚZIN. That's it, ma'am; a promise is better than money.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Of course. Well, what do you know?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Here's what, Ustinya Naúmovna: isn't it possible to throw over that suitor you've found, ma'am?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What's the matter with you; are you gone daft?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Gone daft nothing, ma'am! But if you want to have a heart-to-heart talk, honor bright, ma'am; then here's the sort of thing it is, ma'am: at my house there's a certain Russian merchant I know, who is very much in love with Olimpiáda Samsónovna, ma'am. "No matter what I have to give," says he, "so long as I get married," says he; "I shan't grudge any sum."
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Why didn't you tell me about that before, my jewel?
PODKHALYÚZIN. There was nothing to tell for the good reason that I only just now found out about it, ma'am.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. But it's late now, my jewel!
PODKHALYÚZIN. And what a suitor he is, Ustinya Naúmovna! He'll shower you with gold from head to foot, ma'am; he'll have a cloak made for you out of live sables.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. But, my dear, it's impossible! I'd be tickled to death, but I've given my word.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Just as you please, ma'am! But if you betroth her to the other fellow, you'll bring such bad luck upon yourself, that you'll not get clear afterwards!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. But just consider yourself, how'll I have the nerve to show my face before Samsón Sílych? I gave it to him hot and heavy: that the fellow is rich, and handsome, and so much in love that he is half dead; and now what'll I say? You know yourself what a fellow Samsón Sílych is; you see he'll pull my cap over my ears before you know it.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Pull your cap nothing, ma'am!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. And I've got the girl all worked up. Twice a day she sends to me and asks: "What's the matter with my suitor?" and, "What's he like?"
PODKHALYÚZIN. But don't you run away from your own good fortune, Ustinya Naúmovna. Do you want two thousand rubles and a sable cloak for merely arranging this wedding, ma'am? But let our understanding about the match be private. I tell you, ma'am, that this suitor's such a sort as you've never seen; there's only one thing, ma'am: he's not of aristocratic origin.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. But is she an aristocrat? Pity if she is, my jewel! That's the way things go these days: every peasant girl is trying to worm her way into the nobility.—Now, although this here Olimpiáda Samsónovna—of course, God give her good health—gives presents like a princess, yet, believe me, her origin's no better than ours. Her father, Samsón Sílych, dealt in leather mittens on the Balchug; respectable people called him Sammy, and fed him with thumps behind the ears. And her mother, Agraféna Kondrátyevna, was little more than a peasant girl, and he got her from Preobrazhénskoye. They got together some capital, climbed into the merchant class—so the daughter has her eye peeled for the title of princess. And all that through money. How much worse am I than she? Yet I have to trot at her heels. God knows what kind of bringing-up she's had: she walks like an elephant crawls on his belly; whether French or piano, it's a bit here and a bit there, and there's nothing to it; and when she starts to dance—I have to stuff a handkerchief in my mouth.
PODKHALYÚZIN. But, look here—it'd be more proper for her to marry a merchant.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. But how'll I stand with the first suitor, my jewel? I've already assured him that Olimpiáda Samsónovna is such a beauty, that she's the real ticket for him; "and educated," I said, "in French, and is trained in all sorts of society ways." And now what am I going to say to him?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why, just tell him also: "Now, she is a beauty, and cultivated in a good many ways; only they've lost all their money." And he'll break off himself!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Well, now, that's so, my jewel! But, no, wait! You see I told him that Samsón Sílych is rolling in money.
PODKHALYÚZIN. See here, you talk too much. But how do you know how much money Samsón Sílych has; you haven't counted it, have you?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Ask anybody you please; every one knows that SamsónSílych is the richest sort of merchant.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Yes! Much you know! But what'll happen when, after you've engaged a man of standing, Samsón Sílych won't give any money? Afterwards the fellow'll come up and say, says he: "I'm no merchant, that you can cheat me out of the dowry!" Furthermore, like a man of standing he'll file a complaint at court, because a man of standing has his own way everywhere, ma'am; then Samsón Sílych and I'll be ruined, and there'll be no getting out of it for you. Here, you yourself know you can cheat anybody of our sort out of a dowry, that'll work; but just try to fool a man of standing, and you'll not get away with it afterwards.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. That's enough trying to scare me! You've muddled my head completely.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Here, take these hundred rubles in silver as earnest-money, and give us your hand on it, ma'am.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. And you say, my jewel, two thousand rubles and a sable cloak?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Exactly so, ma'am. Be at rest on that score!—And you'll put on that sable cloak, Ustinya Naúmovna, and you'll go out walking—why, anybody will think you're a general's wife.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Do you think so? Well, now, indeed! When I put on that sable cloak, I'll look my perkiest, with my hands by my sides; then your bearded friends will stare with their mouths wide open. They'll get to sighing so that you couldn't stop them with a fire engine; the women will all turn up their noses from jealousy.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Just so, ma'am!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Give me the earnest-money! Here goes!
PODKHALYÚZIN. But, Ustinya Naúmovna, you're doing this of your own free will; don't back out.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Back out, what for? Just look: two thousand rubles, and a sable cloak!
PODKHALYÚZIN. I tell you, we'll make it out of live sables. There's nothing more to be said.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Well, good-by, my emerald! I'll run off now to the suitor. We'll see each other to-morrow, and then I'll report to you.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Wait a minute! Where're you going! Just follow me—we'll just take a drink of vodka, ma'am. Tishka! Tishka! [EnterTISHKA] You keep a lookout, and if you see the boss coming, run for me straight off.
[They go out.
TISHKAalone.
TISHKA. [Sits down beside the table and takes some money out of his pocket] Half a ruble in silver—that's what Lázar gave me to-day. And the other day, when I fell from the steeple, Agraféna Kondrátyevna gave me ten kopeks; I won twenty-five kopeks at heads and tails; and day before yesterday the boss forgot and left one whole ruble on the counter. Gee, here's money for you! [He counts to himself. The voice of FOMÍNISHNA is heard behind the scene:"Tishka, oh, Tishka! How long have I got to call you?"] Now what's the matter there? ["Is Lázar at home?"]—He was, but he's sure gone now! ["Well, where has he sneaked to?"] How in the world should I know? He doesn't ask my leave. If he had, I'd know.
FOMÍNISHNAcomes down the stairs.
FOMÍNISHNA. You see Samsón Sílych has come, and seems to be tipsy.
TISHKA. Phew! We're goners!
FOMÍNISHNA. Run for Lázar, Tishka; there's a dear; run quick!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. [Appearing at the head of the stairs] What's this,Fomínishna dear, where's he bound for?
FOMÍNISHNA. This way, I guess, my dear! Ah, I'll close the doors, good heavens, I'll close them; let him go up-stairs, but you stay here, my dear.
A knock at the door, and the voice ofSAMSÓN SÍLYCH:"Hey! open up; who's there?" AGRAFÉNAKONDRÁTYEVNAdisappears.
FOMÍNISHNA. Come in, honey, come in and go to sleep; God bless you!
BOLSHÓV. [Behind the door] What's the matter with you, you old cripple; have you lost your wits?
FOMÍNISHNA. Ah, my dear boy! Ah, I'm a blind old granny. But, you see, I was fool enough, somehow, to think you'd come home tipsy. Forgive me, I've gotten deaf in my old age.
SAMSÓN SÍLYCHcomes in.
FOMÍNISHNAandBOLSHÓV
BOLSHÓV. Has that shyster been cooking up any deviltry here?
FOMÍNISHNA. They've cooked cabbage soup with corned beef, and roast goose.
BOLSHÓV. Are you gone daft, you old fool?
FOMÍNISHNA. No, dear! I gave the order to the cook myself!
BOLSHÓV. Get out! [He sits down.
FOMÍNISHNAgoes to the door; PODKHALYÚZINandTISHKAcome in.
FOMÍNISHNA. [Returning] Ah, I'm a fool, a fool! Don't punish me for my bad memory. The cold roast sucking pig had entirely jumped out of my mind.
PODKHALYÚZIN, BOLSHÓV,andTISHKA
BOLSHÓV. Go to the pigs yourself! [FOMÍNISHNAgoes out. ToTISHKA] What are you gaping at? Haven't you anything to do?
PODKHALYÚZIN. [ToTISHKA] You've been spoken to, haven't you?
TISHKAgoes out.
BOLSHÓV. Has the shyster been here?
PODKHALYÚZIN. He has, sir.
BOLSHÓV. Did you talk with him?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why, Samsón Sílych? Does he have any feeling? Isn't his soul naturally nothing but ink, sir? He just thrums on one string—to declare yourself bankrupt.
BOLSHÓV. If I must declare myself bankrupt, I'll do it, and there's an end to it.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Ah, Samsón Sílych, what's that you're saying!
BOLSHÓV. What! pay out money? Where did you get that notion? I will rather burn everything in the fire, before I'll give them a kopek. Transfer the merchandise, sell the notes, let 'em pilfer, let anybody steal who wants to; but I'm not going to pay a kopek.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Pardon me, Samsón Sílych, we had the business all going fine; and now everything has to be thrown into confusion.
BOLSHÓV. What affair was it of yours? It ain't yours. You just work hard—I'll not forget you.
PODKHALYÚZIN. I'm not in need of anything after the kindness you have shown me, and you're quite wrong in having any such idea about me. I'm ready to give away my whole soul for you, and by no means to do anything tricky. You're getting on in years; Agraféna Kondrátyevna is a very gentle lady; Olimpiáda Samsónovna is an accomplished young lady, and of suitable years; and you've got to spend some thought on her. But now such are the circumstances; there's no knowing what may come of all this.
BOLSHÓV. Well, what could come of it? I'm the only one responsible.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why talk about you! You, Samsón Sílych, have already had a long life; thank God, you're in a ripe old age; but Olimpiáda Samsónovna, of course, is a young lady whose like can't be found on earth. I'm speaking to you conscientiously, Samsón Sílych; that is, absolutely according to my feelings. If I'm exerting myself on your behalf now, and am putting in my whole strength, too, it may be said, grudging neither sweat nor blood—then it's mostly because I'm sorry for your family.
BOLSHÓV. Come, really now?
PODKHALYÚZIN. If you please, sir. Now, suppose all this ends well. Very good, sir. You'll have something left with which to establish Olimpiáda Samsónovna.—Well, of that there's nothing to say; let there be money, and suitors'll be found, sir. Well, but what a sin, Lord save us! if they object, and begin to hound you through the courts; and such a stigma falls upon the family, and if, furthermore, they should take away the property. Sir, the ladies'd be obliged to endure hunger and cold, and without any care, like shelterless birdies. But Lord save them from that! What would happen then? [He weeps.
BOLSHÓV. What are you crying about?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Of course, Samsón Sílych, I merely say that just for instance—talk at the right time, keep still at the wrong time; words don't hurt. But you see, the Old Nick is powerful—he shakes the hills.
BOLSHÓV. What's to be done, my boy? Evidently such is the will of God, and you can't oppose it.
PODKHALYÚZIN. That's just it, Samsón Sílych! But all the same, according to my foolish way of reasoning, you should settle Olimpiáda Samsónovna in good time upon a good man; and then she will be, at any rate, as if behind a stone wall, sir. But the chief thing is that the man should have a soul, so that he'll feel. As for that noble's courting Olimpiáda Samsónovna—why he's turned tail already.
BOLSHÓV. Turned tail how? What gave you that notion?
PODKHALYÚZIN. It isn't a notion, Samsón Sílych. You ask Ustinya Naúmovna.Must be some one who knows him heard something or other.
BOLSHÓV. What of it! As my affairs are going now there's no need of such a person.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Samsón Sílych, just take into consideration! I'm a stranger, and no relative of yours, but for the sake of your well-being I know no rest by day or by night, my very heart is all withered. But they're marrying to him the young lady who, it may be said, is an indescribable beauty; and they're giving money, sir; but he swaggers and carries it high! Well, is there any soul in him, after all that?
BOLSHÓV. Well, if he don't want her he needn't have her, and we won't cry about it.
PODKHALYÚZIN. No, Samsón Sílych, you just consider about that: has the man any soul? Here I am, a total stranger, yet I can't see all this without tears. Just understand that, Samsón Sílych! Nobody else would care enough about it to pine away because of another man's business, sir. But you see, even if you drive me out now, even if you beat me, still I won't leave you; because I cannot—I haven't that kind of a heart.
BOLSHÓV. But how in the world could you think of leaving me? You see my only hope now is you. I'm old, and my affairs have gotten into a tight fix. Just wait! It may be we'll still swing some kind of a deal such as you're not expecting.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Oh, I can't do that, Samsón Sílych. Just understand this much: I'm absolutely not that kind of a man! To anybody else, Samsón Sílych, of course it's all the same; he doesn't care whether the grass grows; but I can't do that way, sir. Kindly see yourself, sir, whether I'm hustling or not. I'm simply wasting away now like some poor devil, on account of your business, sir; because I'm not that kind of a man, sir. I'm doing all this because I feel sorry for you, and not for you so much as for your family. You ought to realize that Agraféna Kondrátyevna is a very tender lady, Olimpiáda Samsónovna a young lady whose like can't be found on earth, sir——
BOLSHÓV. Not on earth? Look here, brother, aren't you hinting around a little?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Hinting, sir? No, I didn't mean, sir!——
BOLSHÓV. Aha! Brother, you'd better speak more openly. Are you in love withOlimpiáda Samsónovna?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why, Samsón Sílych, must be you want to joke me.
BOLSHÓV. Joke, fiddlesticks! I'm asking you seriously.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Good heavens, Samsón Sílych, could I dare think of such a thing, sir?
BOLSHÓV. Why shouldn't you dare? Is she a princess or something like that?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Maybe she's no princess; but as you've been my benefactor and taken the place of my own father—But no, Samsón Sílych, how is it possible, sir, how can I help feeling it!
BOLSHÓV. Well, then, I suppose you don't love her?
PODKHALYÚZIN. How can I help loving her, sir? Good gracious, it seems as if I loved her more than anything on earth. But no, Samsón Sílych, how is it possible, sir!
BOLSHÓV. You ought to have said: "I love her, you see, more than anything on earth."
PODKHALYÚZIN. How can I help loving her, sir? Please consider yourself: all day, I think, and all night, I think—Oh, dear me, of course Olimpiáda Samsónovna is a young lady whose like can't be found on earth—But no, that cannot be, sir. What chance have I, sir?
BOLSHÓV. What cannot be, you poor soft-head?
PODKHALYÚZIN. How can it be possible, Samsón Sílych? Knowing you, sir, as I do, like my own father, and Olimpiáda Samsónovna, sir; and again, knowing myself for what I'm worth—what chance have I with my calico snout, sir?
BOLSHÓV. Calico nothing. Your snout'll do! So long as you have brains in your head—and you don't have to borrow any; because God has endowed you in that way. Well, Lázar, suppose I try to make a match between you and Olimpiáda Samsónovna, eh? That indescribable beauty, eh?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Good gracious, would I dare? It may be that OlimpiádaSamsónovna won't look kindly on me, sir!
BOLSHÓV. Nonsense! I don't have to dance to her piping in my old age! She'll marry the man I tell her to. She's my child: if I want, I can eat her with my mush, or churn her into butter! You just talk to me about it!
PODKHALYÚZIN. I don't dare, Samsón Sílych, talk about it with you, sir! I don't want to appear a scoundrel to you.
BOLSHÓV. Get along with you, you foolish youngster! If I didn't love you, would I talk with you like this? Do you understand that I can make you happy for life? I can simply make your life for you.
PODKHALYÚZIN. And don't I love you, Samsón Sílych, more than my own father?Damn it all!—what a brute I am.
BOLSHÓV. Well, but you love my daughter?
PODKHALYÚZIN. I've wasted away entirely, sir. My whole soul has turned over long since, sir!
BOLSHÓV. Well, if your soul has turned over, we'll set you up again.Johnny's the boy for our Jenny!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Daddy, why do you favor me? I'm not worth it. I'm not worth it! My poor face would positively crack a mirror.
BOLSHÓV. What of your face! Here, I transfer all the property to you; so that afterwards the creditors will be sorry that they didn't take twenty-five kopeks on the ruble.
PODKHALYÚZIN. You can bet they'll be sorry, sir!
BOLSHÓV. Well, you get off to town now, and after a while come back to the girl; we'll play a little joke on 'em.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Very good, daddy, sir! [They go out.
Setting as in ACT I
BOLSHÓV comes in and sits down in the armchair; for some time he looks into the corners and yawns.
BOLSHÓV. Here's the life; it's well said: vanity of vanities, and all is vanity. The devil knows, I myself can't make out what I want. If I were to take a snack of something, I'd spoil my dinner, and if I sit still I'll go crazy. Perhaps I might kill a little time drinking tea. [Silence] Here's all there is to it; a man lives, and lives, and all at once he dies and he turns to dust. Oh, Lord, oh, Lord!
[He yawns and looks into the corners.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA comes in with LÍPOCHKA, who is very much dressed up.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Get along, get along, my darling; don't catch yourself on the sides of the doorway. Just look, Samsón Sílych, my dear lord and master, and admire how I've rigged up our daughter! Phew! go away! What a peony-rose she is now! [To her] Ah, you little angel, you princess, you little cherub, you! [To him] Well, Samsón Sílych, isn't it all right? Only she ought to ride in a six-horse carriage.
BOLSHÓV. She'll go in a two-horse carriage—she's no highflying proprietress.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. To be sure, she's no general's daughter, but, all the same, she's a beauty! Well, pet the child a little; what are you growling like a bear for?
BOLSHÓV. Well, how do you want me to pet her? Shall I lick her hands, or bow down to her feet? Fine circus, I must say! I've seen something more elegant than that.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. But what have you seen? No matter what; but this is your daughter, your own child, you man of stone!
BOLSHÓV. What if she is my daughter? Thank God she has shoes, dresses, and is well fed—what more does she want?
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. What more! Look here, Samsón Sílych, have you gone out of your head? Well fed! What if she is well fed! According to the Christian law we should feed everybody; people look after strangers, to say nothing of their own folks. Why, it's a sin to say that, when people can hear you. Anyhow, she's your own child!
BOLSHÓV. I know she's my own child—but what more does she want? What are you telling me all these yarns for? You don't have to put her in a picture-frame! I know I'm her father.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Then, my dear, if you're her father, then don't act like a stepfather! It's high time, it seems to me, that you came to your senses. You'll soon have to part with her, and you don't grind out one kind word; you ought, for her good, to give her a bit of good advice. You haven't a single fatherly way about you!
BOLSHÓV. No, and what a pity; must be God made me that way.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. God made you that way! What's the matter with you? It seems to me God made her, too, didn't he? She's not an animal, Lord forgive me for speaking so!—but ask her something!
BOLSHÓV. What shall I ask her? A goose is no playmate for a pig; do what you please.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. We won't ask you when it comes to the point; meantime, say something. A man, a total stranger, is coming—no matter how much you try, a man is not a woman—he's coming for his first visit, when we've never seen him before.
BOLSHÓV. I said, stop it!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. What a father you are! And yet you call yourself one! Ah, my poor abandoned little girl, you're just like a little orphan with drooping head! He turns away from you, and won't recognize you! Sit down, Lipochka; sit down, little soul, my charming little darling! [She makes her sit down.
LÍPOCHKA. Oh, stop it, mamma! You've mussed me all up!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. All right, then, I'll look at you from a distance.
LÍPOCHKA. Look if you want to, only don't rave! Fudge, mamma, one can't dress up properly without your going off into a sentimental fit.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. So, so, my dear! But when I look at you, it seems such a pity.
LÍPOCHKA. Why so? It had to come some time.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. All the same, it's a pity, you little fool. We've been raising you all these years, and you've grown up—but now for no reason at all we're giving you over to strangers, as if we were tired of you, and as if you bored us by your foolish childishness, and by your sweet behavior. Here, we'll pack you out of the house, like an enemy from the town; then we'll come to, and look around, and you'll be gone forever. Consider, good people, what it'll be like, living in some strange, far-away place, choking on another's bread, and wiping away your tears with your fist! Yes, good God, she's marrying beneath her; some blockhead will be butting in—a blockhead, the son of a blockhead! [She weeps.
LÍPOCHKA. There you go, crying! Honestly, aren't you ashamed, mamma? What do you mean by blockhead?
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. [Weeping] The words came out of themselves. I couldn't help it.
BOLSHÓV. What made you start this bawling? If anybody asks you, you don't know yourself.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. I don't know, my dear, I don't know; the fit just came over me.
BOLSHÓV. That's it, just foolishness. Tears come cheap with you.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Yes, my dear, they do! They do! I know myself that they come cheap; but how can you help it?
LÍPOCHKA. Fudge, mamma, how you act! Stop it! Now, he'll come any moment—what's the use?
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. I'll stop, child, I'll stop; I'll stop right off!
The same, and USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. [Entering] How are you, my jewels! What are you gloomy and down in the dumps for?
[Kisses are exchanged.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. We'd about given you up.
LÍPOCHKA. Well, Ustinya Naúmovna, will he come soon?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. It's my fault, I own up at once; it's my fault! But our affairs, my jewels, aren't in a very good way.
LÍPOCHKA. How! What do you mean by that?
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Now what new notion have you got?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Why, my pearls, our suitor is wavering.
BOLSHÓV. Ha, ha, ha! You're a great go-between! How are you going to make a match?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. He's like a balky horse, he won't whoa nor giddup. You can't get a sensible word out of him.
LÍPOCHKA. But what's this, Ustinya Naúmovna? What do you mean, really?
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Holy saints! How can it be!
LÍPOCHKA. Have you just seen him?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. I was at his house this morning. He came out just as he was, in his dressing-gown; but he treated me, be it said to his honor. He ordered coffee, and rum, and heaps of fancy crackers—simply piles of them. "Eat away!" says he, "Ustinya Naúmovna." I had come on business, you know, so it was necessary to find out something definite. So I said: "You wanted to go to-day and get acquainted." But on that subject he wouldn't say a sensible word to me. "Well," he said, "we'll think it over, and advise about it." And all he did was pull at the cords of his dressing-gown.
LÍPOCHKA. Why does he just fold his arms and sentimentalize? Why, it's disgusting to see how long this lasts.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Really, now, why is he showing off? Aren't we as good as he is?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Plague take him; can't we find another fellow?
BOLSHÓV. Don't you look for another, or the same thing will happen again.I'll find another for you myself.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Yes, much you will, unless you get down off the stove and hustle. You've actually forgotten, I think, that you have a daughter.
BOLSHÓV. We'll see!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. We'll see what? We'll see nothing! Bah—don't talk to me, please; don't aggravate me. [She sits down.
BOLSHÓV bursts out laughing;USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNAwalks off withLÍPOCHKAto the other side of the stage. USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNAinspects the girl's dress.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. My! how you're dolled up—that dress certainly makes you look better. You didn't make it yourself, did you?
LÍPOCHKA. Horrible need I had of making it! Why, do you think we're beggars? What are dressmakers for?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Beggars, the idea! Who's saying anything so foolish to you? They can tell from your house-keeping that you didn't make it yourself. However, your dress is a fright.
LÍPOCHKA. What's the matter with you? Have you lost your wits? Where are your eyes? What gave you that wild notion?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What are you getting on your high horse for?
LÍPOCHKA. Nonsense! Think I'll stand such rubbish? What, am I an uncultivated hussy!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What are you taking on so for? Where did such a caprice come from? Am I finding fault with your dress? Why, isn't it a dress?—and anybody will say it's a dress. But it isn't becoming to you; it's absolutely not the right thing for your style of beauty—blot out my soul if I lie. For you a gold one would be little enough; let's have one embroidered with seed-pearls. Ah! there you smile, my jewel! You see, I know what I'm talking about!
TISHKA. [Entering] Sysóy Psoich wants me to ask whether he, says he, can come in. He's out there with Lázar Elizárych.
BOLSHÓV. March! Call him in here with Lázar.
TISHKAgoes out.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Well, now, the relish isn't ready for nothing: we'll take a snack. Now, Ustinya Naúmovna, I suppose you've been wanting a drop of vodka for a long time?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Just the thing—it's one o'clock, the admiral's lunch-time.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Now, Samsón Sílych, move out of that place; what are you sitting there like that for?
BOLSHÓV. Wait a minute; they're coming up. There's time enough.
LÍPOCHKA. Mamma, I'll go change my dress.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Run along, my dear, run along.
BOLSHÓV. Wait a minute before changing—there's a suitor coming.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. What sort of a suitor can that be? Quit your fooling.
BOLSHÓV. Wait a bit, Lipa, there's a suitor coming.
LÍPOCHKA. Who is it, daddy? Do I know him or not?
BOLSHÓV. You'll see him in a minute; and then, perhaps, you'll recognize him.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. What are you listening to him for? What sort of a clown is coming? He's just talking to hear himself talk.
BOLSHÓV. I told you that he was coming; and I usually know what I'm talking about.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. If anybody were actually coming, then you'd be talking sense; but you keep saying he's coming, he's coming, but God knows who it is that's coming. It's always like that.
LÍPOCHKA. Well, in that case I'll stay, mamma. [She goes to the mirror and looks at herself. Then to her father] Daddy!
BOLSHÓV. What do you want?
LÍPOCHKA. I'm ashamed to tell you, daddy!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Ashamed of what, you little fool? Speak out if you need anything.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Shame isn't smoke—it won't eat out your eyes.
LÍPOCHKA. No, by heavens, I'm ashamed!
BOLSHÓV. Well, hide your face if you're ashamed!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Do you want a new hat; is that it?
LÍPOCHKA. There! you didn't guess it. No, not a hat.
BOLSHÓV. Then what do you want?
LÍPOCHKA. To marry a soldier!
BOLSHÓV. Just listen to that!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Wake up, you shameless girl! Lord help you!
LÍPOCHKA. Why—you see, others marry soldiers.
BOLSHÓV. Well, let 'em marry 'em; you just sit by the sea and wait for a fair breeze.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. And don't you dare give me any of your lip! I won't give you my mother's blessing.
The same andLÁZAR, RISPOLÓZHENSKY,andFOMÍNISHNAin the doorway.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. How do you do, my dear Samsón Sílych! How do you do, my dear Agraféna Kondrátyevna! Olimpiáda Samsónovna, how do you do!
BOLSHÓV. How are you, old man, how are you! Do us the favor to sit down.You sit down, too, Lázar!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Won't you have a snack? I have a relish all ready for you.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Why shouldn't I, dear lady? I'd just like a thimbleful of something now.
BOLSHÓV. Let's all go in together pretty soon; but now, meanwhile, we can have a little talk.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Why not have a little talk? D'you know, my jewels, I heard—it must have been printed in the newspaper, whether it's true or not—that a second Bonaparte has been born, and it may be, my jewels——
BOLSHÓV. Bonaparte's all right, but we'll trust most of all in the mercy ofGod; it's not a question of that now.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What is it a question of, my pearl?
BOLSHÓV. Why, about the fact that our years are approaching their decline; our health also is failing every minute, and the Creator alone can foresee what is ahead. So we have proposed, while we're still living, to give in marriage our only daughter; and in regard to her settlement we may hope also that she'll not bring into ill repute our resources and origin; above all, in other people's eyes.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Just hear how sweetly he tells that, the jewel!
BOLSHÓV. And since now our daughter is here in person, and in view of the fact that we are convinced of the honorable conduct and the sufficient means of our future son-in-law, which for us is a matter of extreme concern, in consideration of God's blessing, we hereby designate him in the presence of these witnesses. Lipa, come here.
LÍPOCHKA. What do you want, daddy?
BOLSHÓV. Come here to me. I shan't eat you, never fear. Well, now, Lázar, toddle up!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Been ready a long time, sir!
BOLSHÓV. Now, Lipa, give me your hand.
LÍPOCHKA. How! What nonsense is this? Where did you get this rubbish?
BOLSHÓV. Look out that I don't have to force you!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Now you're catching it, young lady!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Lord! What on earth is this?
LÍPOCHKA. I don't want to! I don't want to! I won't marry anything so disgusting!
FOMÍNISHNA. The power of the cross be with us!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Evidently, daddy, it's not for me to see happiness in this world! Evidently, sir, it can't be as you would wish!
BOLSHÓV. [SeizesLÍPOCHKAviolently by the arm; takesLÁZAR'Shand] Why can't it, if I want it to be? What am I your father for, if not to command you? Have I fed her for nothing?
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. What're you doing! What're you doing! Recollect yourself!
BOLSHÓV. Stay on your own side of the fence! This is none of your business!Well, Lipa! Here's your future husband! I ask you to love and cherish him!Sit down side by side and talk nice; and then we'll have a fine dinner andset about the wedding.
LÍPOCHKA. What! Do you think I want to sit down with that booby! What nonsense!
BOLSHÓV. If you won't sit down, I'll sit you down, and put an end to your monkey-business!
LÍPOCHKA. Who ever heard of educated young ladies being married off to their employees!
BOLSHÓV. Better shut up! If I say so, you'll marry the porter. [Silence.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Say, now, Agraféna Kondrátyevna, if that isn't a pity!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. I myself, the mother, am as much in the dark as a clothes-closet. And I can't understand what in the world has caused this!
FOMÍNISHNA. Lord! I'm past sixty, and how many weddings I've seen; but I've never seen anything so shameful as this.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. What do you mean, you murderers; do you want to dishonor the girl?
BOLSHÓV. Yes, much I have to listen to your high-falutin' talk. I've decided to marry my daughter to a clerk, and I'll have my way, and don't you dare argue; I don't give a hang for anybody. Come now, we'll go take a snack; but just let them kid each other, and maybe they'll make it up somehow or other.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Let's go, Samsón Sílych, and you and I, for company, will just take a thimbleful. Yes, yes, Agraféna Kondrátyevna, that's the first duty, that children should obey their parents. We didn't start that custom, and we shan't see the last of it.
They all rise and go out exceptLÍPOCHKA, PODKHALYÚZIN,andAGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA.
LÍPOCHKA. Mamma, what does this mean? Does he want to make a cook of me? [She weeps.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Mamma, ma'am! Such a son-in-law as will respect you and, naturally, make your old age happy, aside from me you won't find, ma'am.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. How are you going to do that, my dear?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Mamma, ma'am! God has made me aspire so high, ma'am for this reason, ma'am, because the other fellow, mamma, will turn you down flat, ma'am; but I, till I land in my coffin [weeps], must have feeling, ma'am!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Ah, saints alive! But how can this be?
BOLSHÓV. [Through the door] Wife, come here!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Coming, my dear, coming!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Mamma, you remember the word I said just now!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNAgoes out.
LÍPOCHKAandPODKHALYÚZIN
Silence
PODKHALYÚZIN. Olimpiáda Samsónovna, ma'am! Olimpiáda Samsónovna! I suppose you abominate me? Say only one word, ma'am! Just let me kiss your little hand!
LÍPOCHKA. You blockhead, you ignorant lout!
PODKHALYÚZIN. But why, Olimpiáda Samsónovna, do you want to insult me, ma'am?
LÍPOCHKA. I'll tell you once, now and forever, that I won't marry you, andI won't!
PODKHALYÚZIN. That's just as you please, ma'am! Love can't be forced. Only here's what I want to announce to you, ma'am——
LÍPOCHKA. I won't listen to you; go away from me! As if you were an educated gentleman! You see that I wouldn't marry you for anything in the world—you ought to break off yourself!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Now, Olimpiáda Samsónovna, you were pleased to say "break off." Only, if I should break off, what would happen then, ma'am?
LÍPOCHKA. Why, the thing that would happen would be that I'd marry an aristocrat.
PODKHALYÚZIN. An aristocrat, ma'am! But an aristocrat won't take you without a dowry!
LÍPOCHKA. What do you mean, without dowry? What are you talking about? Just take a look and see what kind of a dowry I have; it fairly hits you in the face!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Those dish-rags, ma'am? A nobleman won't take dish-rags. A nobleman wants it in cash, ma'am.
LÍPOCHKA. What of it? Dad will give cash!
PODKHALYÚZIN. All right, if he will, ma'am! But what if he hasn't any to give? You don't know about your papa's affairs, but I know 'em mighty well; your papa's a bankrupt, ma'am.
LÍPOCHKA. What do you mean, bankrupt? And the house and shops?
PODKHALYÚZIN. The house and shops—are mine, ma'am!
LÍPOCHKA. Yours! Get out! Are you trying to make a fool of me? Look for a bigger goose than I am.
PODKHALYÚZIN. But I have here some legal documents. [He produces them.
LÍPOCHKA. So you bought them of dad?
PODKHALYÚZIN. I did, ma'am!
LÍPOCHKA. Where'd you get the money?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Money! Glory to God, I have more money than any nobleman.
LÍPOCHKA. What in the world are they doing to me? They've been bringing me up all these years, and then go bankrupt! [Silence.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Now suppose, Olimpiáda Samsónovna, that you married a nobleman—what will that ever amount to, ma'am? Only the glory of being a lady, but not the least pleasure, ma'am. Please consider: ladies themselves often go to the market on foot, ma'am. And if they do drive out anywhere, then it's only the glory of having four horses; but the whole team ain't worth one merchant's horse. By heaven, it ain't, ma'am! And they don't dress so blamed superbly either, ma'am! But if, Olimpiáda Samsónovna, you should marry me, ma'am—here's the first word: you'll wear silk gowns even at home, and visiting, and to the theatre, ma'am—and we shan't dress you in anything but velvets. In respect to hats and cloaks—we won't care what's in style with the nobility, but we'll furnish you the finest ever! We'll get horses from the Orlov stud. [Silence] If you have doubts on the question of my looks, then that's just as you like, ma'am; I'll put on a dress coat, and trim my beard or cut it off, according to the fashion, ma'am; that's all one to me, ma'am.
LÍPOCHKA. You all talk that way before the wedding; but afterwards you cheat us.
PODKHALYÚZIN. May I die on the spot, Olimpiáda Samsónovna! Damnation blast me if I lie! Why should I, Olimpiáda Samsónovna? D'you think we'll live in a house like this? We'll buy one in the Karetny, ma'am; and how we'll decorate it! We'll have birds of paradise on the ceilings, sirens, various Coopids[1]—people'll pay good money just to look at it.
[Footnote 1: These are not the only words that Podkhalyúzin mispronounces;Olimpiádais another.]
LÍPOCHKA. They don't paint Coopids any more nowadays.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Then we'll let 'em paint bókays. [Silence] If you'd only agree on your side, then I don't want anything more in life. [Silence] How unfortunate I am, anyhow, that I can't say nice compliments.
LÍPOCHKA. Why don't you talk French, Lázar Elizárych?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Because there was no reason why I should. [Silence] Make me happy, Olimpiáda Samsónovna; grant me that blessing, ma'am. [Silence] Just tell me to kneel to you.
LÍPOCHKA. Well, do it! [PODKHALYÚZINkneels] What a horrid waistcoat you have on!
PODKHALYÚZIN. I'll give this one to Tishka, ma'am, and I'll get myself one on the Kuznetsky Bridge, only don't ruin me! [Silence] Well, Olimpiáda Samsónovna, ma'am?
LÍPOCHKA. Let me think.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Think about what, ma'am?
LÍPOCHKA. How can I help thinking?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why, you don't need to think!
LÍPOCHKA. I'll tell you what, Lázar Elizárych!
PODKHALYÚZIN. What're your orders, ma'am?
LÍPOCHKA. Carry me off on the quiet.
PODKHALYÚZIN. But why on the quiet, ma'am, when your papa and mamma are so willing?
LÍPOCHKA. That's quite the thing to do. Well, if you don't want to carry me off, why, let it go as it is.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Olimpiáda Samsónovna, just let me kiss your little hand! [He kisses it; then he jumps up and runs to the door] Daddy, sir!
LÍPOCHKA. Lázar Elizárych! Lázar Elizárych! Come here!
PODKHALYÚZIN. What do you want, ma'am?
LÍPOCHKA. Oh, if you knew, Lázar Elizárych, what my life here is like! Mamma says one thing one day, and another the next; papa, when he isn't drunk, has nothing to say; but when he's drunk he's apt to beat you at any moment. How's a cultivated young lady going to endure such a life? Now, if I could marry a nobleman, I'd go out of this house, and could forget about all that. But now everything will go on as before.
PODKHALYÚZIN. No, ma'am, Olimpiáda Samsónovna; it won't be that way! Olimpiáda Samsónovna, as soon as we've celebrated the wedding, we'll move into our own house, ma'am. And then we won't let 'em boss us. No, here's an end to all that, ma'am! That'll do for them—they ran things in their day, now it's our turn.
LÍPOCHKA. Just look here, Lázar Elizárych, we shall live by ourselves at our house, and they by themselves at their house. We'll do everything fashionably, and they, just as they please.
PODKHALYÚZIN. That's the idea, ma'am.
LÍPOCHKA. Well, call papa now.
[She rises and prinks before the mirror.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Papa! Papa! Sir! Mamma!
The same,BOLSHÓV,andAGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA
PODKHALYÚZIN. [Goes to meetSAMSÓN SÍLYCHand throws his arms about him in an embrace] Olimpiáda Samsónovna has agreed, sir!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. I'm coming, my dears, I'm coming!
BOLSHÓV. Well, that's talking! Just the thing! I know what I'm doing; it's not for you to teach me.
PODKHALYÚZIN. [To AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA] Mamma, ma'am! Let me kiss your hand!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Kiss away, my dear; they're both clean. Ah, you blessed child, has it been long since you decided? Ah? Good heavens! What's this? I absolutely didn't know how to decide this matter. Oh, my own little darling, you!
LÍPOCHKA. Mamma, I positively didn't know that Lázar Elizárych was such a well-educated gentleman! But now I see at once that he's infinitely more respectful than the others.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Well, well, well, you little goose! As if your father would wish you any harm! Ah, mamma's little dove! What a little story, eh? Oh, my holy saints! What in the world is this? Fomínishna! Fomínishna!
FOMÍNISHNA. Coming, coming, my dear, coming! [She comes in.
BOLSHÓV. Stop, you gabbler! Now you two just sit down side by side, and we'll have a look at you. Fomínishna, bring up a little bottle of fizz.
PODKHALYÚZINandLÍPOCHKAsit down.
FOMÍNISHNA. Right away, my dear, right away! [She goes out.]
The same,USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA,andRISPOLÓZHENSKY
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Congratulate the bride and groom to be, Ustinya Naúmovna! God has brought us to a ripe old age; we have lived to see happiness!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What have I got to congratulate you with, my jewels? My mouth's too dry to sing your praises.
BOLSHÓV. Well, now, we'll wet your whistle.
The same, FOMÍNISHNA,andTISHKA,who is bringing wine on a tray.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Aha! here's a matter of a different sort. Well, God grant you live long, keep young, grow fat, and be rich![She drinks]It's bitter, my jewels![LÍPOCHKA and LÁZAR kiss]Ah! that sweetens it!
BOLSHÓV. Just let me drink their health.[He takes the glass; LÍPOCHKAandLÁZARstand up]Live as you think best—you're reasonable beings.But so that you won't find life a bore, the house and shops go to you,Lázar, in place of dowry, and I'll throw in some ready cash.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Many thanks, daddy; I'm well satisfied with what you've done for me as it is.
BOLSHÓV. Nothing to thank me for! They're my own goods—I made 'em myself. I give 'em to whomever I please. Pour me another! [TISHKApours another glass]But what's the good of talking! Kindness is no crime! Take everything, only feed me and the old woman, and pay off the creditors at ten kopeks on the ruble.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why, daddy, that's not worth talking about, sir! Don't I know what feeling is? It's a family affair—we'll settle it ourselves.
BOLSHÓV. I tell you, take it all, and there's an end to it! And nobody can boss me! Only pay my creditors. Will you pay 'em?
PODKHALYÚZIN. If you please, dad, that's my first duty, sir.
BOLSHÓV. Only you look out—don't give 'em much. As it is, I suppose you'll be fool enough to pay the whole debt.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Oh, we'll settle it later, daddy, somehow. If you please, it's a family affair.
BOLSHÓV. Come, all right! Don't you give 'em more than ten kopeks. That'll do for them. Well, kiss each other!
LÍPOCHKA and LÁZAR do so.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Ah, my little doves! How in the world did it happen!I declare I've quite lost my head.
"Whoever heard or saw such things?The elephant's learning to fly with wings;The hen laid a door-knob instead of an egg;And piggy is dancing a jig on a keg!"
She pours out wine and goes up to RISPOLÓZHENSKY; RISPOLÓZHENSKY bows and declines the wine.
BOLSHÓV. Drink to their happiness, Sysóy Psoich.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. I can't, Samsón Sílych—it turns my stomach!
BOLSHÓV. Go along with you! Drink to their happiness.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. He's always showing off!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. It turns my stomach, Samsón Sílych! By heaven, it does!I'll just take a thimbleful of vodka. But my nature won't stand the other.I have such a weak constitution.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Bah! you long-necked goose! Nonsense—much your nature won't stand it! Give it here. I'll pour it down his collar if he won't drink it!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. No fair, Ustinya Naúmovna! That ain't nice for a lady to do. Samsón Sílych, I can't, sir! Would I have refused it? He! he! he! What kind of a blockhead am I, that I should do anything so rude? I've seen high society, I know how to live. Now, I never refuse vodka; if you don't mind, I'll just take a thimbleful! But this I simply can't drink—it turns my stomach. Samsón Sílych, don't you allow all this disorderly conduct; it's easy to insult a man, but it ain't nice.
BOLSHÓV. Give it to him hot and heavy, Ustinya Naúmovna, hot and heavy!
RISPOLÓZHENSKYruns away from her.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA.[Placing the wine on the table]You shan't get away from me, you old son of a sea-cook![She pushes him into a corner and seizes him by the collar.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Police!
All burst out laughing.