Dear Sir,—You wish, to know my notionsOn sartin pints thet rile the land;There's nothin' thet my natur so shunsEz bein' mum or underhand;I'm a straight-spoken kind o' creeturThet blurts right out wut's in his head,An' ef I've one pecooler feetur,It is a nose thet wunt be led.So, to begin at the beginnin',An' come direcly to the pint,I think the country's underpinnin'Is some consid'ble out o' jint;I aint agoin' to try your patienceBy tellin' who done this or thet,I don't make no insinooations,I jest let on I smell a rat.Thet is, I mean, it seems to me so,But, ef the public think I'm wrong,I wunt deny but wut I be so,—An', fact, it don't smell very strong;My mind's tu fair to lose its balanceAn' say wich party hez most sense;There may be folks o' greater talenceThet can't set stiddier on the fence.I'm an eclectic; ez to choosin''Twixt this an' thet, I'm plaguy lawth;I leave a side thet looks like losin',But (wile there's doubt) I stick to both;I stan' upon the Constitution,Ez preudunt statesmun say, who've plannedA way to git the most profusionO' chances ez towarethey'll stand.Ez fer the war, I go agin it,—I mean to say I kind o' du,—Thet is, I mean thet, bein' in it,The best way wuz to fight it thru;Not but wut abstract war is horrid,I sign to thet with all my heart,—But civlyzationdoosgit forridSometimes upon a powder-cart.About thet darned Proviso matterI never hed a grain o' doubt,Nor I aint one my sense to scatterSo'st no one couldn't pick it out;My love fer North an' South is equil,So I'll jest answer plump an' frank,—No matter wut may be the sequil,—Yes, Sir, Iamagin a Bank.Ez to the answerin' o' questions,I'm an off ox at bein' druv,Though I aint one thet ary test shuns'll give our folks a helpin' shove;Kind o' pr'miscoous I go itFer the holl country, an' the groundI take, ez nigh ez I can show it,Is pooty gen'ally all round.I don't appruve o' givin' pledges;You'd ough' to leave a fellar free,An' not go knockin' out the wedgesTo ketch his fingers in the tree;Pledges air awfle breachy cattleThet preudunt farmers don't turn out,—Ez long 'z the people git their rattle,Wut is there fer 'm to grout about?Ez to the slaves, there's no confusionInmyidees consarnin' them,—Ithink they air an Institution,A sort of—yes, jest so,—ahem:DoIown any? Of my meritOn thet pint you yourself may jedge.All is, I never drink no sperit,Nor I haint never signed no pledge.Ez to my princerples, I gloryIn hevin' nothin' o' the sort;I aint a Wig, I aint a Tory,I'm jest a candidate, in short;Thet's fair an' square an' parpendicler,But, ef the Public cares' a figTo hev me an'thin' in particler,Wy, I'm a kind o' peri-wig.P. S.Ez we're a sort o' privateerin',O' course, you know, it's sheer an' sheer,An' there is sutthin' wuth your hearin'I'll mention inyourprivit ear;Ef you git me inside the White House,Your head with ile I'll kin' o' 'nintBy gittin' you inside the Light-houseDown to the eend o' Jaalam Pint.An' ez the North hez took to brustlin'At bein' scrouged frum off the roost,I'll tell ye wut'll save all tusslin'An' give our side a harnsome boost,—Tell 'em thet on the Slavery questionI'mright, although to speak I'm lawth;This gives you a safe pint to rest on,An' leaves me frontin' South by North.
[And now of epistles candidatial, which are of two kinds,—namely, letters of acceptance, and letters definitive of position. Our republic, on the eve of an election, may safely enough be called a republic of letters. Epistolary composition becomes then an epidemic, which seizes one candidate after another, not seldom cutting short the thread of political life. It has come to such a pass, that a party dreads less the attacks of its opponents than a letter from its candidate.Litera scripta manet, and it will go hard if something bad can not be made of it. General Harrison, it is well understood, was surrounded, during his candidacy, with thecordon sanitaireof a vigilance committee. No prisoner in Spielberg was ever more cautiously deprived of writing materials. The soot was scraped carefully from the chimney-places; outposts of expert rifle-shooters rendered it sure death for any goose (who came clad in feathers) to approach within a certain limited distance of North Bend; and all domestic fowls about the premises were reduced to the condition of Plato's original man. By these precautions the General was saved.Parva componere magnis, I remember, that, when party-spirit once ran high among my people, upon occasion of the choice of a new deacon, I, having my preferences, yet not caring too openly to express them, made use of an innocent fraud to bring about that result which I deemed most desirable. My stratagem was no other than the throwing a copy of the Complete Letter-Writer in the way of the candidate whom I wished to defeat. He caught the infection, and addressed a short note to his constituents, in which the opposite party detected so many and so grave improprieties, (he had modelled it upon the letter of a young lady accepting a proposal of marriage,) that he not only lost his election, but, falling under a suspicion of Sabellianism and I know not what, (the widow Endive assured me that he was a Paralipomenon, to her certain knowledge,) was forced to leave the town. Thus it is that the letter killeth.
The object which candidates propose to themselves in writing is to convey no meaning at all. And here is a quite unsuspected pitfall into which they successively plunge headlong. For it is precisely in such cryptographies that mankind are prone to seek for and find a wonderful amount and variety of significance.Omne ignotum pro mirifico.How do we admire at the antique world striving to crack those oracular nuts from Delphi, Hammon, and elsewhere, in only one of which can I so much as surmise that any kernel had ever lodged; that, namely, wherein Apollo confessed that he was mortal. One Didymus is, moreover, related to have written six thousand books on the single subject of grammar, a topic rendered only more tenebrific by the labors of his successors, and which seems still to possess an attraction for authors in proportion as they can make nothing of it. A singular loadstone for theologians, also, is the Beast in the Apocalypse, whereof, in the course of my studies, I have noted two hundred and three several interpretations, each lethiferal to all the rest.Non nostrum est tantas componere lites, yet I have myself ventured upon a two hundred and fourth, which I embodied in a discourse preached on occasion of the demise of the late usurper, Napoleon Bonaparte, and which quieted, in a large measure, the minds of my people. It is true that my views on this important point were ardently controverted by Mr. Shearjashub Holden, the then preceptor of our academy, and inother particulars a very deserving and sensible young man, though possessing a somewhat limited knowledge of the Greek tongue. But his heresy struck down no deep root, and, he having been lately removed by the hand of Providence, I had the satisfaction of reaffirming my cherished sentiments in a sermon preached upon the Lord's day immediately succeeding his funeral. This might seem like taking an unfair advantage, did I not add that he had made provision in his last will (being celibate) for the publication of a posthumous tractate in support of his own dangerous opinions.
I know of nothing in our modern times which approaches so nearly to the ancient oracle as the letter of a Presidential candidate. Now, among the Greeks, the eating of beans was strictly forbidden to all such as had it in mind to consult those expert amphibologists, and this same prohibition on the part of Pythagoras to his disciples is understood to imply an abstinence from politics, beans having been used as ballots. That other explication,quod videlicet sensus eo cibo obtundi existimaret, though supportedpugnis et calcibusby many of the learned, and not wanting the countenance of Cicero, is confuted by the larger experience of New England. On the whole, I think it safer to apply here the rule of interpretation which now generally obtains in regard to antique cosmogonies, myths, fables, proverbial expressions, and knotty points generally, which is, to find a common-sense meaning, and then select whatever can be imagined the most opposite thereto. In this way we arrive at the conclusion, that the Greeks objected to the questioning of candidates. And very properly, if, as I conceive, the chief point be not to discover what a person in that position is, or what he will do, but whether he can be elected.Vos exemplaria Græca nocturna versate manu, versate diurna.
But, since an imitation of the Greeks in this particular (the asking of questions being one chief privilege of freemen) is hardly to be hoped for, and our candidates will answer, whether they are questioned or not, I would recommend that these ante-electionary dialogues should be carried on by symbols, as were the diplomatic correspondences of the Scythians and Macrobii, or confined to the language of signs, like the famous interview of Panurge and Goatsnose. A candidate might then convey a suitable reply to all committees of inquiry by closing one eye, or by presenting them with a phial of Egyptian darkness to be speculated upon by their respective constituencies. These answers would be susceptible of whatever retrospective construction the exigencies of the political campaign might seem to demand, and the candidate could take his position on either side of the fence with entire consistency. Or, if letters must be written, profitable use might be made of the Dighton rock hieroglyphic or the cuneiform script, every fresh decipherer of which is enabled to educe a different meaning, whereby a sculptured stone or two supplies us, and will probably continue to supply posterity, with a very vast and various body of authentic history. For even the briefest epistle in the ordinary chirography is dangerous. There is scarce any style so compressed that superfluous words may not be detected in it. A severe critic might curtail that famous brevity of Cæsar's by two thirds, drawing his pen through the supererogatoryveniandvidi. Perhaps, after all, the surest footing of hope is to be found in the rapidly increasing tendency to demand less and less of qualification in candidates. Already have statesmanship, experience, and the possession (nay, the profession, even) of principles been rejected as superfluous, and may not the patriot reasonably hope that the ability to write will follow? At present, there may be death in pot-hooks as well as pots, the loop of a letter may suffice for a bowstring, and all the dreadful heresies of Anti-slavery may lurk in a flourish.—H. W.]
A SECOND LETTER FROM B. SAWIN, ESQ.
[In the following epistle, we behold Mr. Sawin returning, amiles emeritus, to the bosom of his family.Quantum mutatus!The good Father of us all had doubtless intrusted to the keeping of this child of his certain faculties of a constructive kind. He had put in him a share of that vital force, the nicest economy of every minute atom of which is necessary to the perfect development of Humanity. He had given him a brain and heart, and so had equipped his soul with the two strong wings of knowledge and love, whereby it can mount to hang its nest under the eaves of heaven. And this child, so dowered, he had intrusted to the keeping of his vicar, the State. How stands the account of that stewardship? The State, or Society, (call her by what name you will,) had taken no manner of thought of him till she saw him swept out into the street, the pitiful leavings of last night's debauch, with cigar-ends, lemon-parings, tobacco-quids, slops, vile stenches, and the whole loathsome next-morning of the bar-room,—an own child of the Almighty God! I remember him as he was brought to be christened, a ruddy, rugged babe; and now there he wallows, reeking, seething,—the dead corpse, not of a man, but of a soul,—a putrefying lump, horrible for the life that is in it. Comes the wind of heaven, that good Samaritan, and parts the hair upon his forehead, nor is too nice to kiss those parched, cracked lips; the morning opens upon him her eyes full of pitying sunshine, the sky yearns down to him,—and there he lies fermenting. O sleep! let me not profane thy holy name by calling that stertorous unconsciousness a slumber! By and by comes along the State, God's vicar. Does she say,—"My poor, forlorn foster-child! Behold here a force which I will make dig and plant and build for me?" Not so, but,—"Here is a recruit ready-made to my hand, a piece of destroying energy lying unprofitably idle." So she claps an ugly gray suit on him, puts a musket in his grasp, and sends him off, with Gubernatorial and other godspeeds, to do duty as a destroyer.
I made one of the crowd at the last Mechanics' Fair, and, with the rest, stood gazing in wonder at a perfect machine, with its soul of fire, its boiler-heart that sent the hot blood pulsing along the iron arteries, and its thews of steel. And while I was admiring the adaptation of means to end, the harmonious involutions of contrivance, and the never-bewildered complexity, I saw a grimed and greasy fellow, the imperious engine's lackey and drudge, whose sole office was to let fall, at intervals, a drop or two of oil upon a certain joint. Then my soul said within me, See there a piece of mechanism to which that other you marvel at is but as the rude first effort of a child,—a force which not merely suffices to set a few wheels in motion, but which can send an impulse all through the infinite future,—a contrivance, not for turning out pins, or stitching button-holes, but for making Hamlets and Lears. And yet this thing of iron shall be housed, waited on, guarded from rust and dust, and it shall be a crime but so much as to scratch it with a pin; while the other with its fire of God in it, shall be buffeted hither and thither, and finally sent carefully a thousand miles to be the target for a Mexican cannon-ball. Unthrifty Mother State! My heart burned within me for pity and indignation, and I renewed this covenant with my own soul,—In aliis mansuetus ero, at, in blasphemiis contra Christum, non ita.—H. W.]
I spose you wonder ware I be; I can't tell, fer the soul o' me,Exacly ware I be myself,—meanin' by thet the holl o' me.Wen I left hum, I hed two legs, an' they worn't bad ones neither,(The scaliest trick they ever played wuz bringin' on me hither,)Now one on 'm's I dunno ware;—they thought I wuz adyin',An' sawed it off because they said 'twuz kin' o' mortifyin';I'm willin' to believe it wuz, an' yit I don't see, nuther,Wy one should take to feelin' cheap a minnit sooner'n t' other,Sence both wuz equilly to blame; but things is ez they be;It took on so they took it off, an' thet's enough fer me:There's one good thing, though, to be said about my wooden new one,—The liquor can't git into it ez't used to in the true one;So it saves drink; an' then, besides, a feller couldn't begA gretter blessin' then to hev one ollers sober peg;It's true a chap's in want o' two fer follerin' a drum,But all the march I'm up to now is jest to Kingdom Come.I've lost one eye, but thet's a loss it's easy to supplyOut o' the glory that I've gut, fer thet is all my eye;An' one is big enough, I guess, by diligently usin' it,To see all I shall ever git by way o' pay fer losin' it;Off'cers, I notice, who git paid fer all our thumps an' kickins,Du wal by keepin' single eyes arter the fattest pickins;So, ez the eye's put fairly out, I'll larn to go without it,An' not allowmyselfto be no gret put out about it.Now, le' me see, thet isn't all; I used, 'fore leavin' Jaalam,To count things on my finger-eends, but sutthin' seems to ail 'em:Ware's my left hand? O, darn it, yes, I recollect wut's come on't;I haint no left arm but my right, an' thet's gut jest a thumb on't;It aint so hendy ez it wuz to cal'late a sum on't.I've hed some ribs broke,—six (I b'lieve),—I haint kep' no account on 'em;Wen pensions git to be the talk, I'll settle the amount on 'em.An' now I'm speakin' about ribs, it kin' o' brings to mindOne thet I couldn't never break,—the one I lef' behind;Ef you should see her, jest clear out the spout o' your inventionAn' pour the longest sweetnin' in about an annooal pension,An' kin' o' hint (in case, you know, the critter should refuse to beConsoled) I aint so 'xpensive now to keep ez wut I used to be;There's one arm less, ditto one eye, an' then the leg thet's woodenCan be took off an' sot away wenever ther's a puddin'.I spose you think I'm comin' back ez opperlunt ez thunder,With shiploads o' gold images an' varus sorts o' plunder;Wal, 'fore I vullinteered, I thought this country wuz a sort o'Canaan, a reg'lar Promised Land flowin' with rum an' water,Ware propaty growed up like time, without no cultivation,An' gold wuz dug ez taters be among our Yankee nation,Ware nateral advantages were pufficly amazin',Ware every rock there wuz about with precious stuns wuz blazin',Ware mill-sites filled the country up ez thick ez you could cram 'em,An' desput rivers run about abeggin' folks to dam 'em;Then there were meetinhouses, tu, chockful o' gold an' silverThet you could take, an' no one couldn't hand ye in no bill fer;—Thet's wut I thought afore I went, thet's wut them fellers told usThet stayed to hum an' speechified an' to the buzzards sold us;I thought thet gold mines could be gut cheaper than Chiny asters,An' see myself a comin' back like sixty Jacob Astors;But sech idees soon melted down an' didn't leave a grease-spot;I vow my holl sheer o' the spiles wouldn't come nigh a V spot;Although, most anywares we've ben, you needn't break no locks,Nor run no kin' o' risks, to fill your pocket full o' rocks.I guess I mentioned in my last some o' the nateral feetursO' this all-fiered buggy hole in th' way o' awfle creeturs,But I fergut to name (new things to speak on so abounded)How one day you'll most die o' thust, an' 'fore the next git drownded.The clymit seems to me jest like a teapot made o' pewterOur Prudence hed, thet wouldn't pour (all she could du) to suit her;Fust place the leaves 'ould choke the spout, so's not a drop 'ould dreen out,Then Prude 'ould tip an' tip an' tip, till the holl kit bust clean out,The kiver-hinge-pin bein' lost, tea-leaves an' tea an' kiver'ould all come downkerswosh! ez though the dam broke in a river.Jest so 'tis here; holl months there aint a day o' rainy weather,An' jest ez th' officers 'ould be alayin' heads togetherEz t' how they'd mix their drink at sech a milingtary deepot,—'T'ould pour ez though the lid wuz off the everlastin' teapot.The cons'quence is, thet I shall take, wen I'm allowed to leave here,One piece o' propaty along,—an' thet's the shakin' fever;It's reggilar employment, though, an' thet aint thought to harm one,Nor 'taint so tiresome ez it wuz with t'other leg an' arm on;An' it's a consolation, tu, although it doosn't pay,To hev it said you're some gret shakes in any kin' o' way.'T worn't very long, I tell ye wut, I thought o' fortin-makin',—One day a reg'lar shiver-de-freeze, an' next ez good ez bakin',—One day abrilin' in the sand, then smoth'rin' in the mashes,—Git up all sound, be put to bed a mess o' hacks an' smashes.But then, thinks I, at any rate there's glory to be hed,—Thet's an investment, arter all, thet mayn't turn out so bad;But somehow, wen we'd fit an' licked, I ollers found the thanksGut kin' o' lodged afore they come ez low down ez the ranks;The Gin'rals gut the biggest sheer, the Cunnles next, an' so on,—Wenever gut a blasted mite o' glory ez I know on;An' spose we hed, I wonder how you're goin' to contrive itsDivision so's to give a piece to twenty thousand privits;Ef you should multiply by ten the portion o' the brav'st one,You wouldn't git more 'n half enough to speak of on a grave-stun;We git the licks,—we're jest the grist thet's put into War's hoppers;Leftenants is the lowest grade thet helps pick up the coppers.It may suit folks thet go agin a body with a soul in't,An' aint contented with a hide without a bagnet hole in't;But glory is a kin' o' thingIshan't pursue no furder,Coz thet's the off'cers parquisite,—yourn's on'y jest the murder.Wal, arter I gin glory up, thinks I at least there's oneThing in the bills we aint hed yit, an' thet's theglorious fun;Ef once we git to Mexico, we fairly may persume weAll day an' night shall revel in the halls o' Montezumy.I'll tell ye wutmyrevels wuz, an' see how you would like 'em;Wenever gut inside the hall: the nighest everIcomeWuz stan'in' sentry in the sun (an', fact, itseemeda cent'ry)A ketchin' smells o' biled an' roast thet come out thru the entry,An' hearin' ez I sweltered thru my passes an' repasses,A rat-tat-too o' knives an' forks, a clinkty-clink o' glasses:I can't tell off the bill o' fare the Gin'rals hed inside;All I know is, thet out o' doors a pair o' soles wuz fried,An' not a hunderd miles away frum ware this child wuz posted,A Massachusetts citizen wuz baked an' biled an' roasted;The on'y thing like revellin' thet ever come to meWuz bein' routed out o' sleep by thet darned revelee.They say the quarrel's settled now; fer my part I've some doubt on't,'T 'll take more fish-skin than folks think to take the rile clean out on't;At any rate, I'm so used up I can't do no more fightin',The on'y chance thet's left to me is politics or writin';Now, ez the people's gut to hev a milingtary man,An' I aint nothin' else jest now, I've hit upon a plan;The can'idatin' line, you know, 'ould suit me to a T,An' ef I lose, 't wunt hurt my ears to lodge another flea;So I'll set up ez can'idate fer any kin' o' office,(I mean fer any thet includes good easy-cheers an' soffies;Fer ez to runnin' fer a place ware work's the time o' day,You know thet's wut I never did,—except the other way;)Ef it's the Presidential cheer fer wich I'd better run,Wut two legs anywares about could keep up with my one?There aint no kin' o' quality in can'idates, it's said,So useful ez a wooden leg,—except a wooden head;There's nothin' aint so poppylar—(wy, it's a parfect sinTo think wut Mexico hez paid fer Santy Anny's pin;—Then I haint gut no princerples, an', sence I wuz knee-high,I neverdidhev any gret, ez you can testify;I'm a decided peace man, tu, an' go agin the war,—Fer now the holl on 't 's gone an' past, wut is there to gofor?Ef, wile you're 'lectioneerin' round, some curus chaps should begTo know my views o' state affairs, jest answerwooden leg!Ef they aint settisfied with thet, an' kin' o' pry an' doubtAn' ax fer sutthin' deffynit, jest sayone eye put out!Thet kin' o' talk I guess you'll find'll answer to a charm,An' wen you're druv tu nigh the wall, hol' up my missin' arm;Ef they should nose round fer a pledge, put on a vartoous lookAn' tell 'em thet's percisely wut I never gin nor—took!Then you can call me "Timbertoes,"—thet's wut the people likes;Sutthin' combinin' morril truth with phrases sech ez strikes;Some say the people's fond o' this, or thet, or wut you please,—I tell ye wut the people want is jest correct idees;"Old Timbertoes," you see, 's a creed it's safe to be quite bold on,There's nothin' in't the other side can any ways git hold on;It's a good tangible idee, a sutthin' to embodyThet valooable class o' men who look thru brandy-toddy;It gives a Party Platform, tu, jest level with the mindOf all right-thinkin', honest folks thet mean to go it blind;Then there air other good hooraws to dror on ez you need 'em,Sech ez theone-eyed Slarterer, thebloody Birdofredum;Them's wut takes hold o' folks thet think, ez well ez o' the masses,An' makes you sartin o' the aid o' good men of all classes.There's one thing I'm in doubt about; in order to be Presidunt,It's absolutely ne'ssary to be a Southern residunt;The Constitution settles thet, an' also thet a fellerMust own a nigger o' some sort, jet black, or brown, or yeller.Now I haint no objections agin particklar climes,Nor agin ownin' anythin' (except the truth sometimes),But, ez I haint no capital, up there among ye, maybe,You might raise funds enough fer me to buy a low-priced baby,An' then, to suit the No'thern folks, who feel obleeged to sayThey hate an' cuss the very thing they vote fer every day,Say you're assured I go full butt fer Liberty's diffusionAn' made the purchis on'y jest to spite the Institootion;—But, golly! there's the currier's hoss upon the pavement pawin'!I'll be more 'xplicit in my next.Yourn,Birdofredum Sawin.
[We have now a tolerably fair chance of estimating how the balance-sheet stands between our returned volunteer and glory. Supposing the entries to be set down on both sides of the account in fractional parts of one hundred, we shall arrive at something like the following result:—
B. Sawin, Esq., in account with (Blank)Glory.Cr.By loss of one leg,20" do. one arm,15" do. four fingers,5" do. one eye,10" the breaking of six ribs,6" having served under Colonel Cushing one month,44Dr.To one 675th three cheers in Faneuil Hall,30" do. do. on occasion of presentation of sword to Colonel Wright,25" one suit of gray clothes (ingeniously unbecoming),15" musical entertainments (drum and fife six months),5" one dinner after return,1" chance of pension,1" privilege of drawing longbow during rest of natural life,23100100E. E.
It would appear that Mr. Sawin found the actual feast curiously the reverse of the bill of fare advertised in Faneuil Hall and other places.His primary object seems to have been the making of his fortune.Quærenda pecunia primum, virtus post nummos.He hoisted sail forEldorado, and shipwrecked on Point Tribulation.Quid non mortalia pectora cogis, auri sacra fames?The speculation has sometimes crossed my mind, in that dreary interval of drought which intervenes between quarterly stipendiary showers, that Providence, by the creation of a money-tree, might have simplified wonderfully the sometimes perplexing problem of human life. We read of bread-trees, the butter for which lies ready-churned in Irish bogs. Milk-trees we are assured of in South America, and stout Sir John Hawkins testifies to water-treesin the Canaries. Boot-trees bear abundantly in Lynn and elsewhere; and I have seen, in the entries of the wealthy, hat-trees with a fair show of fruit. A family-tree I once cultivated myself, and found therefrom but a scanty yield, and that quite tasteless and innutritious. Of trees bearing men we are not without examples; as those in the park of Louis the Eleventh of France. Who has forgotten, moreover, that olive-tree, growing in the Athenian's back-garden, with its strange uxorious crop, for the general propagation of which, as of a new and precious variety, the philosopher Diogenes, hitherto uninterested in arboriculture, was so zealous? In thesylvaof our own Southern States, the females of my family have called my attention to the china-tree. Not to multiply examples, I will barely add to my list the birch-tree, in the smaller branches of which has been implanted so miraculous a virtue for communicating the Latin and Greek languages, and which may well, therefore, be classed among the trees producing necessaries of life,—venerabile donum fatalis virgæ. That money-trees existed in the golden age there want not prevalent reasons for our believing. For does not the old proverb, when it asserts that money does not grow oneverybush, implya fortiorithat there were certain bushes which did produce it? Again, there is another ancient saw to the effect that money is therootof all evil. From which two adages it may be safe to infer that the aforesaid species of tree first degenerated into a shrub, then absconded underground, and finally, in our iron age, vanished altogether. In favorable exposures it may be conjectured that a specimen or two survived to a great age, as in the garden of the Hesperides; and, indeed, what else could that tree in the Sixth Æneid have been, with a branch whereof the Trojan hero procured admission to a territory, for the entering of which money is a surer passport than to a certain other more profitable (too) foreign kingdom? Whether these speculations of mine have any force in them, or whether they will not rather, by most readers, be deemed impertinent to the matter in hand, is a question which I leave to the determination of an indulgent posterity. That there were, in more primitive and happier times, shops where money was sold,—and that, too, on credit and at a bargain,—I take to be matter of demonstration. For what but a dealer in this article was that Æolus who supplied Ulysses with motive power for his fleet in bags? What that Ericus, king of Sweden, who is said to have kept the winds in his cap? What, in more recent times, those Lapland Nornas who traded in favorable breezes? All which will appear the more clearly when we consider, that, even to this day,raising the windis proverbial for raising money, and that brokers and banks were invented by the Venetians at a later period.
And now for the improvement of this digression. I find a parallel to Mr. Sawin's fortune in an adventure of my own. For, shortly after I had first broached to myself the before-stated natural-historical and archæological theories, as I was passing,hæc negotia penitus mecum revolvens, through one of the obscure suburbs of our New England metropolis, my eye was attracted by these words upon a sign-board,—Cheap Cash-Store. Here was at once the confirmation of my speculations, and the substance of my hopes. Here lingered the fragment of a happier past, or stretched out the first tremulous organic filament of a more fortunate future. Thus glowed the distant Mexico to the eyes of Sawin, as he looked through the dirty pane of the recruiting-office window, or speculated from the summit of that mirage-Pisgah which the imps of the bottle are so cunning in raising up. Already had my Alnaschar-fancy (even during that first half-believing glance) expended in various useful directions the funds to be obtained by pledging the manuscript of a proposed volume of discourses. Already did a clock ornament the tower of the Jaalam meeting-house, a giftappropriately, but modestly, commemorated in the parish and town records, both, for now many years, kept by myself. Already had my son Seneca completed his course at the University. Whether, for the moment, we may not be considered as actually lording it over those Baratarias with the viceroyalty of which Hope invests us, and whether we are ever so warmly housed as in our Spanish castles, would afford matter of argument. Enough that I found that sign-board to be no other than a bait to the trap of a decayed grocer. Nevertheless, I bought a pound of dates (getting short weight by reason of immense flights of harpy flies who pursued and lighted upon their prey even in the very scales), which purchase I made, not only with an eye to the little ones at home, but also as a figurative reproof of that too frequent habit of my mind, which, forgetting the due order of chronology, will often persuade me that the happy sceptre of Saturn is stretched over this Astræa-forsaken nineteenth century.
Having glanced at the ledger of Glory under the titleSawin, B., let us extend our investigations, and discover if that instructive volume does not contain some charges more personally interesting to ourselves. I think we should be more economical of our resources, did we thoroughly appreciate the fact, that, whenever brother Jonathan seems to be thrusting his hand into his own pocket, he is, in fact, picking ours. I confess that the latemuckwhich the country has been running has materially changed my views as to the best method of raising revenue. If, by means of direct taxation, the bills for every extraordinary outlay were brought under our immediate eye, so that, like thrifty housekeepers, we could see where and how fast the money was going, we should be less likely to commit extravagances. At present, these things are managed in such a hugger-mugger way, that we know not what we pay for; the poor man is charged as much as the rich; and, while we are saving and scrimping at the spigot, the government is drawing off at the bung. If we could know that a part of the money we expend for tea and coffee goes to buy powder and balls, and that it is Mexican blood which makes the clothes on our backs more costly, it would set some of us athinking. During the present fall, I have often pictured to myself a government official entering my study and handing me the following bill:—
Washington, Sept. 30, 1848.
Rev. Homer WilburtoUncle Samuel,
Dr.Tohis share of work done in Mexico on partnership account, sundry jobs, as below."killing, maiming, and wounding about 5,000 Mexicans,$2.00"slaughtering one woman carrying water to wounded,.10"extra work on two different Sabbaths (one bombardment and one assault) whereby the Mexicans were prevented from defiling themselves with the idolatries of high mass,3.50"throwing an especially fortunate and Protestant bombshell into the Cathedral at Vera Cruz, whereby several female Papists were slain at the altar,.50"his proportion of cash paid for conquered territory,1.75"his proportion of cash paid for conquering do.1.50"manuring do. with new superior compost called "American Citizen,".50"extending the area of freedom and Protestantism,.01"glory,.01$9.87Immediate payment is requested.
N. B. Thankful for former favors, U. S. requests a continuance of patronage. Orders executed with neatness and despatch. Terms as low as those of any other contractor for the same kind and style of work.
I can fancy the official answering my look of horror with,—"Yes, Sir, it looks like a high charge, Sir: but in these days slaughtering is slaughtering." Verily, I would that every one understood that it was; for it goes about obtaining money under the false pretence of being glory. For me, I have an imagination which plays me uncomfortable tricks. It happens to me sometimes to see a slaughterer on his way home from his day's work, and forthwith my imagination puts a cocked-hat upon his head and epaulettes upon his shoulders, and sets him up as a candidate for the Presidency. So, also, on a recent public occasion, as the place assigned to the "Reverend Clergy" is just behind that of "Officers of the Army and Navy" in processions, it was my fortune to be seated at the dinner-table over against one of these respectable persons. He was arrayed as (out of his own profession) only kings, court-officers, and footmen are in Europe, and Indians in America. Now what does my over-officious imagination but set to work upon him, strip him of his gay livery, and present him to me coatless, his trowsers thrust into the tops of a pair of boots thick with clotted blood, and a basket on his arm out of which lolled a gore-smeared axe, thereby destroying my relish for the temporal mercies upon the board before me!—H. W.]
A THIRD LETTER FROM B. SAWIN, ESQ.
[Upon the following letter slender comment will be needful. In what river Selemnus has Mr. Sawin bathed, that he has become so swiftly oblivious of his former loves? From an ardent and (as befits a soldier) confident wooer of that coy bride, the popular favor, we see him subside of a sudden into the (I trust not jilted) Cincinnatus, returning to his plough with a goodly-sized branch of willow in his hand; figuratively returning, however, to a figurative plough, and from no profound affection for that honored implement of husbandry, (for which, indeed, Mr. Sawin never displayed any decided predilection,) but in order to be gracefully summoned therefrom to more congenial labors. It would seem that the character of the ancient Dictator had become part of the recognized stock of our modern political comedy, though, as our term of office extends to a quadrennial length, the parallel is not so minutely exact as could be desired. It is sufficiently so, however, for purposes of scenic representation. An humble cottage (if built of logs, the better) forms the Arcadian background of the stage. This rustic paradise is labelled Ashland, Jaalam, North Bend, Marshfield, Kinderhook, or Bâton Rouge, as occasion demands. Before the door stands a something with one handle (the other painted in proper perspective), which represents, in happy ideal vagueness, the plough. To this the defeated candidate rushes with delirous joy, welcomed as a father by appropriate groups of happy laborers, or from it the successful one is torn with difficulty, sustained alone by a noble sense of public duty. Only I have observed, that, if the scene be laid at Bâton Rouge or Ashland, the laborers are kept carefully in the background, and are heard to shout from behind the scenes in a singulartone resembling ululation, and accompanied by a sound not unlike vigorous clapping. This, however, may be artistically in keeping with the habits of the rustic population of those localities. The precise connection between agricultural pursuits and statesmanship I have not been able, after diligent inquiry, to discover. But, that my investigations may not be barren of all fruit, I will mention one curious statistical fact, which I consider thoroughly established, namely, that no real farmer ever attains practically beyond a seat in General Court, however theoretically qualified for more exalted station.
It is probable that some other prospect has been opened to Mr. Sawin, and that he has not made this great sacrifice without some definite understanding in regard to a seat in the cabinet or a foreign mission. It may be supposed that we of Jaalam were not untouched by a feeling of villatic pride in beholding our townsman occupying so large a space in the public eye. And to me, deeply revolving the qualifications necessary to a candidate in these frugal times, those of Mr. S. seemed peculiarly adapted to a successful campaign. The loss of a leg, an arm, an eye, and four fingers, reduced him so nearly to the condition of avox et præterea nihil, that I could think of nothing but the loss of his head by which his chance could have been bettered. But since he has chosen to baulk our suffrages, we must content ourselves with what we can get, rememberinglactucas non esse dandas, dum cardui sufficiant.—H. W.]