“For, now-a-days, Men change their Oaths,As often as they change their Cloaths.”
“For, now-a-days, Men change their Oaths,As often as they change their Cloaths.”
“For, now-a-days, Men change their Oaths,
As often as they change their Cloaths.”
In short, Oaths are the Children of Fashion, they are in some sense almost Annuals, like what I observed before of Cant-Words; and I my self can remember about forty different Sets. The old Stock-Oaths I am confident, do not mount to above forty five, or fifty at most; but the Way of mingling and compounding them is almost as various as that of the Alphabet.
SirJohn Perrotwas the first Man of Quality whom I find upon Record to have sworn byG—’s W—s. He lived in the Reign of Q.Elizabeth, and was supposed to have been a natural Son ofHenrythe Eighth, who might also have probably been his Instructor. This Oath indeed still continues, and is a Stock-Oath to this Day; so do several others that have kept their natural Simplicity: But, infinitely the greater Number hath been so frequently changed and dislocated, that if the Inventors were now alive, they could hardly understand them.
Upon these Considerations I began to apprehend, that if I should insert all the Oaths as are now current, my Bookwould be out of Vogue with the first Change of Fashion, and grow useless as an old Dictionary: Whereas, the Case is quite otherways with my Collection of polite Discourse; which, as I before observed, hath descended by Tradition for at least an hundred Years, without any Change in the Phraseology. I, therefore, determined with my self to leave out the whole System of Swearing; because, both the male and female Oaths are all perfectly well known and distinguished; new ones are easily learnt, and with a moderate Share of Discretion may be properly applied on every fit Occasion. However, I must here, upon this Article of Swearing, most earnestly recommend to my male Readers, that they would please a little to study Variety. For, it is the Opinion of our most refined Swearers, that the same Oath or Curse, cannot, consistent with true Politeness, be repeated above nine Times in the same Company, by the same Person, and at one Sitting.
I am far from desiring, or expecting, that all the polite and ingenious Speeches, contained in this Work, should, in the general Conversation between Ladiesand Gentlemen, come in so quick and so close as I have here delivered them. By no means: On the contrary, they ought to be husbanded better, and spread much thinner. Nor, do I make the least Question, but that, by a discreet thrifty Management, they may serve for the Entertainment of a whole Year, to any Person, who does not make too long or too frequent Visits in the same Family. The Flowers of Wit, Fancy, Wisdom, Humour, and Politeness, scattered in this Volume, amount to one thousand, seventy and four. Allowing then to every Gentleman and Lady thirty visiting Families, (not insisting upon Fractions) there will want but little of an hundred polite Questions, Answers, Replies, Rejoinders, Repartees, and Remarks, to be daily delivered fresh, in every Company, for twelve solar Months; and even this is a higher Pitch of Delicacy than the World insists on, or hath Reason to expect. But, I am altogether for exalting this Science to its utmost Perfection.
It may be objected, that the Publication of my Book may, in a long Course of Time, prostitute this noble Art to mean and vulgar People: But, I answer;That it is not so easy an Acquirement as a few ignorant Pretenders may imagine. A Footman can swear; but he cannot swear like a Lord. He can swear as often: But, can he swear with equal Delicacy, Propriety, and Judgment? No, certainly; unless he be a Lad of superior Parts, of good Memory, a diligent Observer; one who hath a skilful Ear, some Knowledge in Musick, and an exact Taste, which hardly fall to the Share of one in a thousand among that Fraternity, in as high Favour as they now stand with their Ladies; neither hath one Footman in six so fine a Genius as to relish and apply those exalted Sentences comprised in this Volume, which I offer to the World: It is true, I cannot see that the same ill Consequences would follow from the Waiting-Woman, who, if she hath been bred to read Romances, may have some small subaltern, or second-hand Politeness; and if she constantly attends the Tea, and be a good Listner, may, in some Years, make a tolerable Figure, which will serve, perhaps, to draw in the young Chaplain or the old Steward. But, alas! after all, how can she acquire those hundreds ofGraces and Motions, and Airs, the whole military Management of the Fan, the Contortions of every muscular Motion in the Face, the Risings and Fallings, the Quickness and Slowness of the Voice, with the several Turns and Cadences; the proper Junctures of Smiling and Frowning, how often and how loud to laugh, when to jibe and when to flout, with all the other Branches of Doctrine and Discipline above-recited?
I am, therefore, not under the least Apprehension that this Art will be ever in Danger of falling into common Hands, which requires so much Time, Study, Practice, and Genius, before it arrives to Perfection; and, therefore, I must repeat my Proposal for erecting Publick Schools, provided with the best and ablest Masters and Mistresses, at the Charge of the Nation.
I have drawn this Work into the Form of a Dialogue, after the Patterns of other famous Writers in History, Law, Politicks, and most other Arts and Sciences, and I hope it will have the same Success: For, who can contest it to be of greater Consequence to the Happiness of these Kingdoms, than allhuman Knowledge put together. Dialogue is held the best Method of inculcating any Part of Knowledge; and, as I am confident, that Publick Schools will soon be founded for teaching Wit and Politeness, after my Scheme, to young People of Quality and Fortune, I have determined next Sessions to deliver a Petition to theHouse of Lordsfor an Act of Parliament, to establish my Book, as the StandardGrammarin all the principal Cities of the Kingdom where this Art is to be taught, by able Masters, who are to be approved and recommended by me; which is no more thanLillyobtained only for teaching Words in a Language wholly useless: Neither shall I be so far wanting to my self, as not to desire a Patent granted of course to all useful Projectors; I mean, that I may have the sole Profit of giving a Licence to every School to read myGrammarfor fourteen Years.
The Reader cannot but observe what Pains I have been at in polishing the Style of my Book to the greatest Exactness: Nor, have I been less diligent in refining the Orthography, by spelling the Words in the very same Mannerthat they are pronounced by the Chief Patterns of Politeness, at Court, at Levees, at Assemblees, at Play-houses, at the prime Visiting-Places, by young Templers, and by Gentlemen-Commoners of both Universities, who have lived at least a Twelvemonth in Town, and kept the best Company. Of these Spellings the Publick will meet with many Examples in the following Book. For instance,can’t,han’t,sha’nt,didn’t,coodn’t,woodn’t,isn’t,e’n’t, with many more; besides several Words which Scholars pretend are derived fromGreekandLatin, but not pared into a polite Sound by Ladies, Officers of the Army, Courtiers and Templers, such asJommetryforGeometry,VerdiforVerdict,LierdforLord,LarnenforLearning; together with some Abbreviations exquisitely refined; as,PozzforPositive;MobbforMobile;PhizzforPhysiognomy;RepforReputation;PlenipoforPlenipotentiary;IncogforIncognito;Hypps, orHippo, forHypocondriacks;BamforBamboozle; andBamboozleforGod knows what; whereby much Time is saved, and the high Road to Conversation cut short by many a Mile.
I have, as it will be apparent, laboured very much, and, I hope, with Felicity enough, to make every Character in the Dialogue agreeable with it self, to a degree, that, whenever any judicious Person shall read my Book aloud, for the Entertainment and Instruction of a select Company, he need not so much as name the particular Speakers; because all the Persons, throughout the several Subjects of Conversation, strictly observe a different Manner, peculiar to their Characters, which are of different kinds: But this I leave entirely to the prudent and impartial Reader’s Discernment.
Perhaps the very Manner of introducing the several Points of Wit and Humour may not be less entertaining and instructing than the Matter it self. In the latter I can pretend to little Merit; because it entirely depends upon Memory and the Happiness of having kept polite Company. But, the Art of contriving, that those Speeches should be introduced naturally, as the most proper Sentiments to be delivered upon so great Variety of Subjects, I take to be a Talent somewhat uncommon, and a Labour that few People could hope to succeed in unlessthey had a Genius, particularly turned that way, added to a sincere disinterested Love of the Publick.
Although every curious Question, smart Answer, and witty Reply be little known to many People; yet, there is not one single Sentence in the whole Collection, for which I cannot bring most authentick Vouchers, whenever I shall be called; and, even for some Expressions, which to a few nice Ears may perhaps appear somewhat gross, I can produce the Stamp of Authority from Courts, Chocolate-houses, Theatres, Assemblees, Drawing-rooms, Levees, Card-meetings, Balls, and Masquerades, from Persons of both Sexes, and of the highest Titles next to Royal. However, to say the truth, I have been very sparing in my Quotations of such Sentiments that seem to be over free; because, when I began my Collection, such kind of Converse was almost in its Infancy, till it was taken into the Protection of my honoured Patronesses at Court, by whose Countenance and Sanction it hath become a choice Flower in the Nosegay of Wit and Politeness.
Some will perhaps object, that whenI bring my Company to Dinner, I mention too great a Variety of Dishes, not always consistent with the Art of Cookery, or proper for the Season of the Year, and Part of the first Course mingled with the second, besides a Failure in Politeness, by introducing Black Pudden to a Lord’s Table, and at a great Entertainment: But, if I had omitted the Black Pudden, I desire to know what would have become of that exquisite Reason given by MissNotablefor not eating it; the World perhaps might have lost it for ever, and I should have been justly answerable for having left it out of my Collection. I therefore cannot but hope, that such Hypercritical Readers will please to consider, my Business was to make so full and compleat a Body of refined Sayings, as compact as I could; only taking care to produce them in the most natural and probable Manner, in order to allure my Readers into the very Substance and Marrow of this most admirable and necessary Art.
I am heartily sorry, and was much disappointed to find, that so universal and polite an Entertainment asCards, hath hitherto contributed very little to theEnlargement of my Work; I have sate by many hundred Times with the utmost Vigilance, and my Table-Book ready, without being able in eight Hours to gather Matter for one single Phrase in my Book. But this, I think, may be easily accounted for by the Turbulence and Justling of Passions upon the various and surprising Turns, Incidents, Revolutions, and Events of good and evil Fortune, that arrive in the course of a long Evening at Play; the Mind being wholly taken up, and the Consequence of Non-attention so fatal.
Play is supported upon the two great Pillars of Deliberation and Action. The Terms of Art are few, prescribed by Law and Custom; no Time allowed for Digressions or Tryals of Wit.Quadrillein particular bears some Resemblance to a State of Nature, which, we are told, is a State of War, wherein every Woman is against every Woman: The Unions short, inconstant, and soon broke; the League made this Minute without knowing the Ally; and dissolved in the next. Thus, at the Game ofQuadrille, female Brains are always employed in Stratagem, or their Hands in Action.Neither can I find, that our Art hath gained much by the happy Revival ofMasqueradingamong us; the whole Dialogue in those Meetings being summed up in one sprightly (I confess, but) single Question, and as sprightly an Answer.Do you know me? Yes, I do.And,Do you know me? Yes, I do. For this Reason I did not think it proper to give my Readers the Trouble of introducing a Masquerade, meerly for the sake of a single Question, and a single Answer. Especially, when to perform this in a proper manner, I must have brought in a hundred Persons together, of both Sexes, dressed in fantastick Habits for one Minute, and dismiss them the next.
Neither is it reasonable to conceive, that our Science can be much improved by Masquerades; where the Wit of both Sexes is altogether taken up in continuing singular and humoursome Disguises; and their Thoughts entirely employed in bringing Intrigues and Assignations of Gallantry to an happy Conclusion.
The judicious Reader will readily discover, that I make MissNotablemy Heroin, and Mr.Thomas Never-outmy Hero. I have laboured both their Characters with my utmost Ability. It is into their Mouths that I have put the liveliest Questions, Answers, Repartees, and Rejoynders; because my Design was to propose them both as Patterns for all young Batchelors and single Ladies to copy after. By which I hope very soon to see polite Conversation flourish between both Sexes in a more consummate Degree of Perfection, than these Kingdoms have yet ever known.
I have drawn some Lines of SirJohn Linger’sCharacter, theDerbyshireKnight, on purpose to place it in Counter-view or Contrast with that of the other Company; wherein I can assure the Reader, that I intended not the least Reflexion uponDerbyshire, the Place of my Nativity. But, my Intention was only to shew the Misfortune of those Persons, who have the Disadvantage to be bred out of the Circle of Politeness; whereof I take the present Limits to extend no further thanLondon, and ten Miles round; although others are please to compute it within the Bills of Mortality. If you compare the Discourses of my Gentlemen and Ladies with those of SirJohn, you will hardly conceive him to have been bred in the same Climate, or under the same Laws, Language, Religion, or Government: And, accordingly, I have introduced him speaking in his own rude Dialect, for no other Reason than to teach my Scholars how to avoid it.
The curious Reader will observe, that when Conversation appears in danger to flag, which, in some Places, I have artfully contrived, I took care to invent some sudden Question, or Turn of Wit, to revive it; such as these that follow.What? I think here’s a silent Meeting!Come, Madam, A Penny for your Thought; with several other of the like sort. I have rejected all provincial or country Turns of Wit and Fancy, because I am acquainted with a very few; but, indeed, chiefly because I found them so very much inferior to those at Court, especially among the Gentlemen-Ushers, the Ladies of the Bed-Chamber, and the Maids of Honour; I must also add, the hither End of our noble Metropolis.
When this happy Art of polite Conversing shall be thoroughly improved, good Company will be no longer pestered with dull, dry, tedious Story-tellers, norbrangling Disputers: For, a right Scholar, of either Sex, in our Science, will perpetually interrupt them with some sudden surprising Piece of Wit, that shall engage all the Company in a loud Laugh; and, if after a Pause, the grave Companion resumes his Thread in the following Manner;Well, but to go on with my Story; new Interruptions come from the Left to the Right, till he is forced to give over.
I have made some few Essays towardSelling ofBargains, as well for instructing those, who delight in that Accomplishment, as in compliance with my Female Friends at Court. However, I have transgressed a little in this Point, by doing it in a manner somewhat more reserved than as it is now practiced at St.James’s. At the same time, I can hardly allow this Accomplishment to pass properly for a Branch of that perfect polite Conversation, which makes the constituent Subject of my Treatise; and, for which I have already given my Reasons. I have likewise, for further Caution, left a Blank in the critical Point of eachBargain, which the sagacious Reader may fill up in his own Mind.
As to my self, I am proud to own, that except some Smattering in theFrench, I am what the Pedants and Scholars call, a Man wholly illiterate, that is to say, unlearned. But, as to my own Language, I shall not readily yield to many Persons: I have read most of the Plays, and all the miscellany Poems that have been published for twenty Years past. I have read Mr.Thomas Brown’s Works entire, and had the Honour to be his intimate Friend, who was universally allowed to be the greatest Genius of his Age.
Upon what Foot I stand with the present chief reigning Wits, their Verses recommendatory, which they have commended me to prefix before my Book, will be more than a thousand Witnesses: I am, and have been, likewise, particularly acquainted with Mr.Charles Gildon, Mr.Ward, Mr.Dennis, that admirable Critick and Poet, and several others. Each of these eminent Persons (I mean, those who are still alive) have done me the Honour to read this Production five Times over with the strictest Eye of friendly Severity, and proposed some, although very few, Amendments, which I gratefully accepted, and do here publicklyreturn my Acknowledgment for so singular a Favour.
And here, I cannot conceal, without Ingratitude, the great Assistance I have received from those two illustrious Writers, Mr.Ozel, and CaptainStevens. These, and some others, of distinguished Eminence, in whose Company I have passed so many agreeable Hours, as they have been the great Refiners of our Language; so, it hath been my chief Ambition to imitate them. Let thePopes, theGays, theArbuthnots, theYoungs, and the rest of that snarling Brood burst with Envy at the Praises we receive from the Court and Kingdom.
But to return from this Digression.
The Reader will find that the following Collection of polite Expressions will easily incorporate with all Subjects of genteel and fashionable Life. Those, which are proper for Morning-Tea, will be equally useful at the same Entertainment in the Afternoon, even in the same Company, only by shifting the several Questions, Answers, and Replies, into different Hands; and such as are adapted to Meals will indifferently serve for Dinners or Suppers, only distinguishing betweenDay-light and Candle-light. By this Method no diligent Person, of a tolerable Memory, can ever be at a loss.
It hath been my constant Opinion, that every Man, who is intrusted by Nature with any useful Talent of the Mind, is bound by all the Ties of Honour, and that Justice which we all owe our Country, to propose to himself some one illustrious Action, to be performed in his Life for the publick Emolument. And, I freely confess, that so grand, so important an Enterprize as I have undertaken, and executed to the best of my Power, well deserved a much abler Hand, as well as a liberal Encouragement from the Crown. However, I am bound so far to acquit my self, as to declare, that I have often and most earnestly intreated several of my above-named Friends, universally allowed to be of the first Rank in Wit and Politeness, that they would undertake a Work, so honourable to themselves, and so beneficial to the Kingdom; but so great was their Modesty, that they all thought fit to excuse themselves, and impose the Task on me; yet in so obliging a Manner, and attended with such Compliments on my poor Qualifications, thatI dare not repeat. And, at last, their Intreaties, or rather their Commands, added to that inviolable Love I bear to the Land of my Nativity, prevailed upon me to engage in so bold an Attempt.
I may venture to affirm, without the least Violation of Modesty, that there is no Man, now alive, who hath, by many Degrees, so just Pretensions as my self, to the highest Encouragement from theCrown, theParliament, and theMinistry, towards bringing this Work to its due Perfection. I have been assured, that several great Heroes of antiquity were worshipped as Gods, upon the Merit of having civilized a fierce and barbarous People. It is manifest, I could have no other Intentions; and, I dare appeal to my very Enemies, if such a Treatise as mine had been published some Years ago, and with as much Success as I am confident this will meet, I mean, by turning the Thoughts of the whole Nobility and Gentry to the Study and Practice of polite Conversation; whether such mean stupid Writers, as theCraftsmanand his Abettors, could have been able to corrupt the Principles of so many hundred thousand Subjects, as, to the Shameand Grief of every whiggish, loyal, and true Protestant Heart, it is too manifest, they have done. For, I desire the honest judicious Reader to make one Remark, that after having exhausted the Whole[2]In sickly payday(if I may so call it) of Politeness and Refinement, and faithfully digested it in the following Dialogues, there cannot be found one Expression relating to Politicks; that theMinistryis never mentioned, nor the WordKing, above twice or thrice, and then only to the Honour of Majesty; so very cautious were our wiser Ancestors in forming Rules for Conversation, as never to give Offence to Crowned Heads, nor interfere with Party Disputes in the State. And indeed, although there seem to be a close Resemblance between the two WordsPolitenessandPoliticks, yet no Ideas are more inconsistent in their Natures. However, to avoid all Appearance of Disaffection, I have taken care to enforce Loyalty by an invincible Argument, drawn from the very Fountain of this noble Science, in the following short Terms, that oughtto be writ in Gold,Must is for the King; which uncontroulable Maxim I took particular Care of introducing in the first Page of my Book; thereby to instil early the best Protestant Loyal Notions into the Minds of my Readers. Neither is it meerly my own private Opinion, that Politeness is the firmest Foundation upon which Loyalty can be supported: For, thus happily sings the Divine Mr.Tibbalds, orTheobalds, in one of his Birth-Day Poems.
“I am no Schollard; but I am polite:Therefore be sure I am noJacobite.”
“I am no Schollard; but I am polite:Therefore be sure I am noJacobite.”
“I am no Schollard; but I am polite:
Therefore be sure I am noJacobite.”
Hear likewise, to the same purpose, that great Master of the whole Poetick Choir, our most illustrious Laureat Mr.Colly Cibber.
“Who in his Talk can’t speak a polite Thing,Will never loyal be toGeorgeour King.”
“Who in his Talk can’t speak a polite Thing,Will never loyal be toGeorgeour King.”
“Who in his Talk can’t speak a polite Thing,
Will never loyal be toGeorgeour King.”
I could produce many more shining Passages out of our principal Poets, of both Sexes, to confirm this momentous Truth. From whence, I think, it may be fairly concluded, that whoever can most contribute towards propagating the Science contained in the following Sheets,through the Kingdoms ofGreat-BritainandIreland, may justly demand all the Favour, that the wisest Court, and most judicious Senate, are able to confer on the most deserving Subject. I leave the Application to my Readers.
This is the Work, which I have been so hardy to attempt, and without the least mercenary View. Neither do I doubt of succeeding to my full Wish, except among theToriesand their Abettors; who being allJacobites, and, consequentlyPapistsin their Hearts, from a Want of true Taste, or by strong Affectation, may perhaps resolve not to read my Book; chusing rather to deny themselves the Pleasure and Honour of shining in polite Company among the principal Genius’s of both Sexes throughout the Kingdom, than adorn their Minds with this noble Art; and probably apprehending (as, I confess nothing is more likely to happen) that a true Spirit of Loyalty to the Protestant Succession should steal in along with it.
If my favourable and gentle Readers could possibly conceive the perpetual Watchings, the numberless Toils, the frequent Risings in the Night, to setdown several ingenious Sentences, that I suddenly or accidentally recollected; and which, without my utmost Vigilance, had been irrecoverably lost for ever: If they would consider with what incredible Diligence I daily and nightly attended at those Houses, where Persons of both Sexes, and of the most distinguished Merit, used to meet and display their Talents; with what Attention I listened to all their Discourses, the better to retain them in my Memory; and then, at proper Seasons, withdrew unobserved, to enter them in my Table-Book, while the Company little suspected what a noble Work I had then in Embryo: I say, if all these were known to the World, I think, it would be no great Presumption in me to expect, at a proper Juncture, the publick Thanks of both Houses of Parliament, for the Service and Honour I have done to the whole Nation by my single Pen.
Although I have never been once charged with the least Tincture of Vanity, the Reader will, I hope, give me leave to put an easy Question: What is become of all the King ofSweden’s Victories? Where are the Fruits of them atthis Day? or, of what Benefit will they be to Posterity? were not many of his greatest Actions owing, at least in part, to Fortune? were not all of them owing to the Valour of his Troops, as much as to his own Conduct? could he have conquered thePolishKing, or theCzarofMuscovy, with his single Arm? Far be it from me to envy or lessen the Fame he hath acquired; but, at the same time, I will venture to say, without Breach of Modesty, that I, who have alone with this Right-hand subdued Barbarism, Rudeness, and Rusticity, who have established and fixed for ever the whole System of all true Politeness and Refinement in Conversation, should think my self most inhumanely treated by my Country-men, and would accordingly resent it as the highest Indignity, to be put upon the level, in point of Fame, in After-ages, withCharlesthe Twelfth, late King ofSweden.
And yet, so incurable is the Love of Detraction, perhaps beyond what the charitable Reader will easily believe, that I have been assured by more than one credible Person, how some of my Enemies have industriously whisperedabout, that oneIsaac Newton, an Instrument-maker, formerly living nearLeicester-Fields, and afterwards a Workman at the Mint in theTower, might possibly pretend to vye with me for Fame in future times. The Man it seems was knighted for making Sun-Dials better than others of his Trade, and was thought to be a Conjurer, because he knew how to draw Lines and Circles upon a Slate, which no body could understand. But, adieu to all noble Attempts for endless Renown, if the Ghost of an obscure Mechanick shall be raised up to enter into competition with me, only for his Skill in making Pot-hooks and Hangers with a Pencil, which many thousand accomplished Gentlemen and Ladies can perform as well with a Pen and Ink upon a Piece of Paper, and, in a manner, as little intelligible as those of SirIsaac.
My most ingenious Friend already mentioned, Mr.Colly Cibber, who does too much Honour to the Laurel Crown he deservedly wears (as he hath often done to many Imperial Diadems placed on his Head) was pleased to tell me, that, if my Treatise were formed into a Comedy, the Representation, performedto Advantage on our Theatre might very much contribute to the Spreading of polite Conversation among all Persons of Distinction through the whole Kingdom.
I own, the Thought was ingenious, and my Friend’s Intention good. But, I cannot agree to his Proposal: For, Mr.Cibberhimself allowed, that the Subjects handled in my Work, being so numerous and extensive, it would be absolutely impossible for one, two, or even six Comedies to contain them. From whence it will follow, that many admirable and essential Rules for polite Conversation must be omitted.
And here let me do justice to my Friend Mr.Tibalds, who plainly confessed before Mr.Cibberhimself, that such a Project, as it would be a great Diminution to my Honour, so it would intolerably mangle my Scheme, and thereby destroy the principal End at which I aimed, to form a compleat Body or System of this most useful Science in all its Parts. And therefore Mr.Tibbalds, whose Judgment was never disputed, chose rather to fall in with my Proposal mentioned before, of erectingpublick Schools and Seminaries all over the Kingdom, to instruct the young People of both Sexes in this Art, according to my Rules, and in the Method that I have laid down.
I shall conclude this long, but necessary Introduction, with a Request, or indeed rather, a just and reasonable Demand from all Lords, Ladies, and Gentlemen, that while they are entertaining and improving each other with those polite Questions, Answers, Repartees, Replies, and Rejoinders, which I have with infinite Labour, and close Application, during the Space of thirty-six Years, been collecting for their Service and Improvement, they shall, as an Instance of Gratitude, on every proper Occasion, quote my Name, after this or the like manner.Madam, as our MasterWagstaffsays.My Lord, as our FriendWagstaffhas it. I do likewise expect, that all my Pupils shall drink my Health every Day at Dinner and Supper during my Life; and that they, or their Posterity, shall continue the same Ceremony to mynot inglorious Memory, after my Decease, for ever.
[2]This Word is spelt byLatinists,Encyclopædia; but the judicious Author wisely prefers the Polite Reading before the Pedantick.
[2]This Word is spelt byLatinists,Encyclopædia; but the judicious Author wisely prefers the Polite Reading before the Pedantick.
[2]This Word is spelt byLatinists,Encyclopædia; but the judicious Author wisely prefers the Polite Reading before the Pedantick.
The MEN.LordSparkish,LordSmart,SirJohn Linger,Mr.Neverout,ColonelAtwit.The LADIES.LadySmart,MissNotable,LadyAnswerall.
LordSparkishmeeting Col.Atwit.
Col.Well met, my Lord.
Ld. Sparkish.Thank ye, Colonel. A Parson would have said, I hope we shall meet in Heaven. When did you seeTom Neverout?
Col.He’s just coming towards us. Talk of the Devil——
[Neveroutcomes up.
Col.How do you do,Tom?
Neverout.Never the better for you.
Col.I hope, you’re never the worse. But where’s your Manners? Don’t you see my LordSparkish?
Neverout.My Lord, I beg your Lordship’s Pardon.
Ld. Sparkish.Tom, how is it, that youcan’t see the Wood for Trees? What Wind blew you hither?
Neverout.Why, my Lord, it is an ill Wind blows nobody good; for it gives me the Honour of seeing your Lordship.
Col.Tom, you must go with us to LadySmart’s to Breakfast.
Neverout.Must? Why, Colonel, Must’s for the King.
[Col. offering in Jest to draw his Sword.
Col.Have you spoke with all your Friends?
Neverout.Colonel, as you’re stout, be merciful.
Ld. Sparkish.Come, agree, agree; the Law’s costly.
[Col. taking his Hand from the Hilt.
Col.Well,Tom, you are never the worse Man to be afraid of me. Come along.
Neverout.What, do you think, I was born in a Wood, to be afraid of an Owl?
I’ll wait on you. I hope MissNotablewill be there; egad she’s very handsome, and has Wit at Will.
Col.Why every one as they like; as the good Woman said, when she kiss’d her Cow.
[LordSmart’s House; they knock at the Door; thePortercomes out.
Ld. Sparkish.Pray, are you the Porter?
Porter.Yes, for Want of a better.
Ld. Sparkish.Is your Lady at Home?
Porter.She was at Home just now; but she’s not gone out yet.
Neverout.I warrant, this Rogue’s Tongue is well hung.
[LadySmart’s Antichamber.
LadySmartand LadyAnswerallat the Tea-table.
Lady Smart.My Lord, your Lordship’s most humble Servant.
Ld. Sparkish.Madam, you spoke too late; I was your Ladyship’s before.
Lady Smart.Oh! Colonel, are you here!
Col.As sure as you’re there, Madam.
Lady Smart.Oh, Mr.Neverout! what, such a Man alive!
Neverout.Ay, Madam; alive, and alive like to be, at your Ladyship’s Service.
Lady Smart.Well: I’ll get a Knife, and nick it down, that Mr.Neveroutcame to our House. And pray, What News Mr.Neverout?
Neverout.Why, Madam, QueenElizabeth’s dead.
Lady Smart.Well, Mr.Neverout, I see you are no Changeling.
[MissNotablecomes in.
Neverout.Miss, your Slave: I hope your early Rising will do you no Harm. I hear you are but just come out of the Cloth-Market.
Miss.I always rise at Eleven, whether it be Day or no.
Col.Miss, I hope you are up for all Day?
Miss.Yes, if I don’t get a Fall before Night.
Col.Miss, I heard you were out of Order; pray, how are you now?
Miss.Pretty well, Colonel, I thank you.
Col.Pretty and well, Miss! that’s Two very good things.
Miss.I mean, I am better than I was.
Neverout.Why then, ’tis well you were sick.
Miss.What, Mr.Neverout; you take me up, before I’m down.
Lady Smart.Come, let us leave off Children’s Play, and come to Push-pin.
Miss[to Lady Smart.] Pray, Madam, give me some more Sugar to my Tea.
Col.Oh! Miss, you must needs be very good-humour’d, you love sweet things so much.
Neverout.Stir it up with the Spoon, Miss; for the deeper the sweeter.
Lady Smart.I assure you, Miss, the Colonel has made you a great Compliment.
Miss.I am sorry for it; for I have heard say, that complimenting is lying.
Lady Smart[to Ld. Sparkish.] My Lord, methinks the Sight of you is good for sore Eyes; if we had known of your Coming, we would have strown Rushes for you: How has your Lordship done this long time?
Col.Faith, Madam, he’s better in Health, than in good Conditions.
Ld. Sparkish.Well; I see there’s no worse Friend than one brings from Home with one; and I am not the first Man has carry’d a Rod to whip himself.
Neverout.Here’s Miss, has not a Word to throw at a Dog. Come; a Penny for your Thoughts.
Miss.It is not worth a Farthing; for I was thinking of you.
[Col.——rising up.——
Lady Smart.Colonel, Where are you going so soon? I hope you did not come to fetch Fire.
Col.Madam, I must needs go Home for half an Hour.
Miss.Why, Colonel, they say, the Devil’s at Home.
Lady Answerall.Well, but sit while you stay; ’tis as cheap sitting as standing.
Col.No, Madam; while I’m standing I’m going.
Miss.Nay, let him go; I promise him, we won’t tear his Cloaths to hold him.
Lady Smart.I suppose, Colonel, we keep you from better Company; I mean only as to myself.
Col.Madam, I am all Obedience.
[Col. sits down.
Lady Smart.Lord, Miss, how can you drink your Tea so hot? Sure your Mouth’s pav’d.
How do you like this Tea, Colonel?
Col.Well enough, Madam; but methinks it is a little more-ish.
Lady Smart.Oh, Colonel! I understandyou.Betty, bring the Canister: I have but very little of this Tea left; but I don’t love to make two Wants of one; want when I have it, and want when I have it not. He, he, he, he.
[Laughs.
Lady Answ.[to the Maid.] Why, sure,Betty, you are bewitch’d; the Cream is burnt to.
Betty.Why, Madam, the Bishop has set his Foot in it.
Lady Smart.Go, you Girl, and warm some fresh Cream.
Betty.Indeed, Madam, there’s none left; for the Cat has eaten it all.
Lady Smart.I doubt, it was a Cat with Two Legs.
Miss.Colonel, Don’t you love Bread and Butter with your Tea?
Col.Yes, in a Morning, Miss: For they say, Butter is Gold in a Morning, Silver at Noon, but it is Lead at Night.
Neverout.Miss, the Weather is so hot, that my Butter melts on my Bread.
Lady Answ.Why, Butter, I’ve heard ’em say, is mad twice a Year.
Ld. Sparkish.[to the Maid.] Mrs.Betty, how does your Body Politick?
Col.Fie, my Lord; you’ll make Mrs.Bettyblush.
Lady Smart.Blush! ay, blush like a blue Dog.
Neverout.Pray, Mrs.Betty, Are not youTom Johnson’s Daughter?
Betty.So my Mother tells me, Sir.
Ld. Sparkish.But, Mrs.Betty, I hear you are in Love.
Betty.My Lord, I thank God, I hate nobody; I am in Charity with all the World.
Lady Smart.Why, Wench, I think, thy Tongue runs upon Wheels this Morning: How came you by that Scratch on your Nose? Have you been fighting with the Cats?
Col.[to Miss.] Miss, When will you be married?
Miss.One of these Odd-come-shortly’s, Colonel.
Neverout.Yes; they say, the Match is half made, the Spark is willing, but Miss is not.
Miss.I suppose, the Gentleman has got his own Consent for it.
Lady Answ.Pray, My Lord, did you walk through the Park in this Rain?
Ld. Sparkish.Yes, Madam; we were neither Sugar nor Salt; we were not afraid the Rain would melt us. He, he, he. [Laugh.
Col.It rain’d, and the Sun shone at the same time.
Neverout.Why, then the Devil was beating his Wife behind the Door, with a Shoulder of Mutton. [——Laugh.——
Col.A blind Man would be glad to see that.
Lady Smart.Mr.Neverout, methinks you stand in your own Light.
Neverout.Ah! Madam, I have done so all my Life.
Ld. Sparkish.I’m sure he sits in mine: Prythee,Tom, sit a little farther: I believe your Father was no Glasier.
Lady Smart.Miss, dear Girl, fill me out a Dish of Tea, for I’m very lazy.
[Miss fills a Dish of Tea, sweetens it, and then tastes it.
Lady Smart.What, Miss, Will you be my Taster?
Miss.No, Madam; but, they say, ’tis an ill Cook, that can’t lick her own Fingers.
Neverout.Pray, Miss, fill me another.
Miss.Will you have it now, or stay till you get it?
Lady Answ.But, Colonel, they say, you went to Court last Night very drunk:Nay, I’m told for certain, you had been amongPhilistines: No Wonder the Cat wink’d, when both her Eyes were out.
Col.Indeed, Madam, that’s a Lye.
Lady Answ.’Tis better I should lye, than you should lose your good Manners: Besides, I don’t lie; I sit.
Neverout.O faith, Colonel, you must own you had a Drop in your Eye: When I left you, you were half Seas over.
Ld. Sparkish.Well, I fear, LadyAnswerallcan’t live long, she has so much Wit.
Neverout.No; she can’t live, that’s certain; but she may linger Thirty or Forty Years.
Miss.Live long; ay, longer than a Cat, or a Dog, or a better thing.
Lady Answ.Oh! Miss, you must give your Vardi too!
Ld. Sparkish.Miss, Shall I fill you another Dish of Tea?
Miss.Indeed, my Lord, I have drank enough.
Ld. Sparkish.Come, it will do you more good than a Month’s Fasting; here, take it.
Miss.No, I thank your Lordship; enough’s as good as a Feast.
Ld. Sparkish.Well; but if you always say No, you’ll never be married.
Lady Answ.Do, my Lord, give her a Dish; for, they say, Maids will say No, and take it.
Ld. Sparkish.Well; and I dare say, Miss is a Maid in Thought, Word, and Deed.
Neverout.I would not take my Oath of that.
Miss.Pray, Sir, speak for yourself.
Lady Smart.Fie, Miss; they say, Maids should be seen, and not heard.
Lady Answ.Good Miss, stir the Fire, that the Tea-Kettle may boil.—You have done it very well; now it burns purely. Well, Miss, you’ll have a chearful Husband.
Miss.Indeed, your Ladyship could have stirr’d it much better.
Lady Answ.I know that very well, Hussy; but I won’t keep a Dog, and bark myself.
Neverout.What! you are sick, Miss.
Miss.Not at all; for her Ladyship meant you.
Neverout.Oh! faith, Miss, you are in Lob’s-pound; get out as you can.
Miss.I won’t quarrel with my Breadand Butter for all that: I know when I’m well.
Lady Answ.Well; but Miss——
Neverout.Ah! dear Madam, let the Matter fall; take Pity on poor Miss; don’t throw Water on a drownded Rat.
Miss.Indeed, Mr.Neverout, you should be cut for the Simples this Morning: Say a Word more, and you had as good eat your Nails.
Ld. Sparkish.Pray, Miss, will you be so good as to favour us with a Song?
Miss.Indeed, my Lord, I can’t; for I have a great Cold.
Col.Oh! Miss, they say, all good Singers have Colds.
Ld. Sparkish.Pray, Madam, does not Miss sing very well?
Lady Answ.She sings, as one maysay, my Lord.
Miss.I hear, Mr.Neverouthas a very good Voice.
Col.Yes;Tomsings well; but his Luck’s naught.
Neverout.Faith, Colonel, you hit yourself a devilish Box on the Ear.
Col.Miss, Will you take a Pinch of Snuff?
Miss.No, Colonel; you must know,I never take Snuff, but when I’m angry.
Lady Answ.Yes, yes, she can take Snuff; but she has never a Box to put it in.
Miss.Pray, Colonel, let me see that Box.
Col.Madam, there’s never a C upon it.
Miss.May be there is, Colonel.
Col.Ay; but May-bees don’t fly now, Miss.
Neverout.Colonel, why so hard upon poor Miss? Don’t set your Wit against a Child: Miss, give me a Blow, and I’ll beat him.
Miss.So she pray’d me to tell you.
Ld. Sparkish.Pray, my LadySmart, What Kin are you to LordPozz?
Lady Smart.Why, his Grandmother and mine had Four Elbows.
Lady Answ.Well, methinks here is a silent Meeting. Come, Miss, hold up your Head, Girl; there’s Money bid for you.
[—Miss starts—
Miss.Lord, Madam, you frighten me out of my Seven Senses!
Ld. Sparkish.Well, I must be going.
Lady Answ.I have seen hastier People than you stay all Night.
Col.[to Lady Smart.]Tom Neveroutand I are to leap To-morrow for a Guinea.
Miss.I believe, Colonel, Mr.Neveroutcan leap at a Crust better than you.
Neverout.Miss, your Tongue runs before your Wit; nothing can tame you but a Husband.
Miss.Peace! I think I hear the Church Clock.
Neverout.Why you know, as the Fool thinks——
Lady Smart.Mr.Neverout, your Handkerchief’s fallen.
Miss.Let him set his Foot on it, that it mayn’t fly in his Face.
Neverout.Well, Miss——
Miss.Ay, ay; many a one says well, that thinks ill.
Neverout.Well, Miss; I’ll think of this.
Miss.That’s Rhime, if you take it in Time.
Neverout.What! I see you are a Poet.
Miss.Yes; if I had but the Wit to show it.
Neverout.Miss, Will you be so kind as to fill me a Dish of Tea?
Miss.Pray, let your Betters be serv’dbefore you; I am just going to fill one for myself; and, you know, the Parson always christens his own Child first.
Neverout.But I saw you fill one just now for the Colonel: Well, I find kissing goes by Favour.
Miss.But pray, Mr.Neverout, What Lady was that you were talking with in the Side-Box lastTuesday?
Neverout.Miss, can you keep a Secret?
Miss.Yes, I can.
Neverout.Well, Miss; and so can I.
Col.Odds-so! I have cut my Thumb with this cursed Knife!
Lady Answ.Ay; that was your Mother’s Fault, because she only warn’d you not to cut your Fingers.
Lady Smart.No, no;’tis only Fools cut their Fingers; but wise Folks cut their Thumbs.——
Miss.I’m sorry for it, but I can’t cry.
Col.Don’t you think Miss is grown?
Lady Answ.Ay; ill Weeds grow apace.
[——A Puff of Smoke comes down the Chimney.——
Lady Answ.Lord, Madam, Does your Ladyship’s Chimney smoke?
Col.No, Madam; but they say, Smoke always pursues the Fair, and your Ladyship sat nearest.
Lady Smart.Madam, Do you love Bohea Tea?
Lady Answ.Why, Madam, I must confess I do love it; but it does not love me.
Miss.[to Lady Smart.] Indeed, Madam, your Ladyship is very sparing of your Tea: I protest, the last I took, was no more than Water bewitch’d.
Col.Pray, Miss, if I may be so bold, What Lover gave you that fine Etuy?
Miss.Don’t you know? then keep Counsel.
Lady Answ.I’ll tell you, Colonel, who gave it her; it was the best Lover she will ever have while she lives; her own dear Papa.
Neverout.Methinks, Miss, I don’t much like the Colour of that Ribbon.
Miss.Why then, Mr.Neverout, do you see, if you don’t much like it, you may look off of it.
Ld. Sparkish.I don’t doubt, Madam, but your Ladyship has heard, that SirJohn Briskhas got an Employment at Court.
Lady Smart.Yes, yes; and I warrant, he thinks himself no small Fool now.
Neverout.Yet, Madam, I have heard some People take him for a wise Man.
Lady Smart.Ay, ay; some are wise, and some are other-wise.
Lady Answ.Do you know him, Mr.Neverout?
Neverout.Know him! ay, as well as the Beggar knows his Dish.
Col.Well; I can only say, that he has better Luck than honester Folks: But pray, How came he to get this Employment?
Ld. Sparkish.Why, by Chance, as the Man kill’d the Devil.
Neverout.Why, Miss, you are in a brown Study; What’s the Matter? Methinks you look like Mum-Chance, that was hang’d for saying nothing.
Miss.I’d have you to know, I scorn your Words.
Neverout.Well; but scornful Dogs will eat dirty Puddings.
Miss.Well; my Comfort is, your Tongue is no Slander. What! you would not have one be always on the high Grin.
Neverout.Cry, Map-sticks, Madam; no Offence, I hope.
[——LadySmartbreaks a Tea-cup.——
Lady Answ.Lord, Madam, How came you to break your Cup?
Lady Smart.I can’t help it, if I would cry my Eyes out.
Miss.Why, sell it, Madam, and buy a new one with some of the Money.
Col.’Tis a Folly to cry for spilt Milk.
Lady Smart.Why, if Things did not break or wear out, how would Tradesmen live?
Miss.Well; I am very sick, if any body car’d for it.
Neverout.Come, then, Miss, e’en make a Die of it, and then we shall have a Burying of our own.
Miss.The Devil take you,Neverout, besides all small Curses.
Lady Answ.Marry, come up, What, plainNeverout! methinks you might have an M under your Girdle, Miss.
Lady Smart.Well, well, naught’s never in Danger; I warrant, Miss will spit in her Hand, and hold fast. Colonel, do you like this Bisket?
Col.I’m like all Fools; I love every Thing that’s good.
Lady Smart.Well, and isn’t it pure good?
Col.’Tis better than a worse.
[——Footman brings the Colonel a Letter.——
Lady Answ.I suppose, Colonel, that’s a Billet-doux from your Mistress.
Col.Egad, I don’t know whence it comes; but whoe’er writ it, writes a Hand like a Foot.
Miss.Well, you may make a Secret of it, but we can spell, and put together.
Neverout.Miss, What spells B double Uzzard?
Miss.Buzzard in your Teeth, Mr.Neverout.
Lady Smart.Now you are up, Mr.Neverout, Will you do me the Favour, to do me the Kindness, to take off the Tea-kettle?
Ld. Sparkish.I wonder what makes these Bells ring.
Lady Answ.Why, my Lord, I suppose, because they pull the Ropes.
[Here all laugh.
[——Neveroutplays with a Tea-cup.——
Miss.Now a Child would have cry’d half an Hour before it would have found out such a pretty Plaything.
Lady Smart.Well said, Miss: I vow, Mr.Neverout, the Girl is too hard for you.
Neverout.Ay, Miss will say any Thing but her Prayers, and those she whistles.
Miss.Pray, Colonel, make me a Present of that pretty Penknife?
Ld. Sparkish.Ay, Miss, catch him at that, and hang him.
Col.Not for the World, dear Miss; it will cut Love.
Ld. Sparkish.Colonel, you shall be married first, I was just going to say that.
Lady Smart.Well, but for all that, I can tell who is a great Admirer of Miss: Pray, Miss, how do you like Mr.Spruce? I swear I have often seen him cast a Sheep’s Eye out of a Calf’s Head at you: Deny it if you can.
Miss.Oh! Madam; all the World knows, that Mr.Spruceis a general Lover.
Col.Come, Miss, ’tis too true to make a Jest on.
[——Miss blushes.——
Lady Answ.Well, however, Blushing is some Sign of Grace.
Neverout.Miss says nothing; but I warrant she pays it off with Thinking.
Miss.Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, you are pleas’d to divert yourselves; but, as I hope to be sav’d, there’s nothing in it.
Lady Smart.Touch a gall’d Horse, and he’ll wince: Love will creep where it dare not go: I’d hold a hundred Pound Mr.Neveroutwas the Inventor of that Story; and, Colonel, I doubt you had a Finger in the Pye.
Lady Answ.But, Colonel, you forgot to salute Miss when you came in; she said you had not been here a long time.
Miss.Fie, Madam! I vow, Colonel, I said no such thing; I wonder at your Ladyship!
Col.Miss, I beg your Pardon——
[Goes to salute her, she struggles a little.——
Miss.Well, I had rather give a Knave a Kiss, for once, than be troubled with him; but, upon my Word, you are more bold than welcome.
Lady Smart.Fie, fie, Miss! for Shame of the World, and Speech of good People.
[NeverouttoMiss,who is cooking her Tea and Bread and Butter.
Neverout.Come, come, Miss, make much of naught; good Folks are scarce.
Miss.What! and You must come in with your Two Eggs a Penny, and Three of them rotten.
Col.[to Ld. Sparkish.] But, my Lord, I forgot to ask you, How you like my new Cloaths?
Ld. Sparkish.Why, very well, Colonel; only, to deal plainly with you, methinks the worst Piece is in the Middle.
[——Here a loud Laugh, often repeated.——
Col.My Lord, you are too severe on your Friends.
Miss.Mr.Neverout, I’m hot; are you a Sot?
Neverout.Miss, I’m cold; are you a Scold? Take you that.
Lady Smart.I confess, that was home. I find, Mr.Neverout, you won’t give your Head for the washing, as they say.
Miss.Oh! he’s a sore Man, where theSkin’s off. I see, Mr.Neverouthas a Mind to sharpen the Edge of his Wit, on the Whetstone of my Ignorance.
Ld. Sparkish.Faith,Tom, you are struck! I never heard a better Thing.
Neverout.Pray, Miss, give me Leave to scratch you for that fine Speech.
Miss.Pox on your Picture; it cost me a Groat the drawing.
Neverout.[to Lady Smart.] ’Sbuds, Madam, I have burnt my Hand with your plaguy Tea-kettle.
Lady Smart.Why, then, Mr.Neverout, you must say, God save the King.
Neverout.Did you ever see the like?
Miss.Never, but once, at a Wedding.
Col.Pray, Miss, how old are you?
Miss.Why, I’m as old as my Tongue, and a little older than my Teeth.
Ld. Sparkish.[to Lady Ans.] Pray, Madam, is MissBuxommarried? I hear, ’tis all over the Town.
Lady Answ.My Lord, she’s either married, or worse.
Col.If she ben’t marry’d, at least she’s lustily promis’d. But, is it certain, that SirJohn Blunderbussis dead at last?
Ld. Sparkish.Yes; or else he’s sadly wrong’d, for they have bury’d him.
Miss.Why, if he be dead, he’ll eat no more Bread.
Col.But, is he really dead?
Lady Answ.Yes, Colonel; as sure as you’re alive——
Col.They say, he was an honest Man.
Lady Answ.Yes, with good looking to.
[——Missfeels a Pimple on her Face.——
Miss.Lord! I think my Goodness is coming out. Madam, will your Ladyship please to send me a Patch?
Neverout.Miss, if you are a Maid, put your Hand upon your Spot.
Miss.——There——
[Covering her Face with both her Hands.——
Lady Smart.Well, thou art a mad Girl.
[Gives her a Tap.
Miss.Lord, Madam; is that a Blow to give a Child?
[——LadySmartlets fall her Handkerchief, and the Colonel stoops for it.——
Lady Smart.Colonel, you shall have a better Office.
Col.Oh! Madam, I can’t have a better, than to serve your Ladyship.
Col.[to Lady Sparkish.] Madam, has your Ladyship read the new Play, written by a Lord? it is call’d,Love in a Hollow Tree.
Lady Sparkish.No, Colonel.
Col.Why, then your Ladyship has one Pleasure to come.
[——Misssighs.——
Neverout.Pray, Miss, why do you sigh?
Miss.To make a Fool ask, and you are the first.
Neverout.Why, Miss, I find there is nothing but a Bit and a Blow with you.
Lady Answ.Why, you must know, Miss is in Love.
Miss.I wish, my Head may never ake till that Day.
Ld. Sparkish.Come, Miss, never sigh, but send for him.
——Lady Smart and Lady Answerall speaking together.] If he be hang’d, he’ll come hopping; and if he be drown’d, he’ll come dropping.
Miss.Well, I swear, you’d make one die with laughing.
[——Missplays with a Tea-cup, andNeveroutplays with another.——
Neverout.Well; I see, one Fool makes many.
Miss.And you’re the greatest Fool of any.
Neverout.Pray, Miss, will you be so kind to tie this String for me with your fair Hands? it will go all in your Day’s Work.
Miss.Marry, come up, indeed; tie it yourself, you have as many Hands as I; your Man’s Man will have a fine Office truly: Come, pray, stand out of my spitting Place.
Neverout.Well; but, Miss, don’t be angry.
Miss.No; I was never angry in my Life but once, and then nobody car’d for it; so I resolv’d never to be angry again.
Neverout.Well; but if you’ll tie it, you shall never know what I’ll do for you.
Miss.So I suppose, truly.
Neverout.Well; but I’ll make you a fine Present one of these Days.
Miss.Ay; when the Devil’s blind; and his Eyes are not sore yet.
Neverout.No, Miss; I’ll send it you To-morrow.
Miss.Well, well: To-morrow’s a newDay; but I suppose, you mean, Tomorrow-come-never.
Neverout.Oh! ’tis the prettiest Thing: I assure you, there came but Two of them over in Three Ships.
Miss.Would I could see it, quoth blindHugh. But why did you not bring me a Present of Snuff this Morning?
Neverout.Because, Miss, you never ask’d me; and ’tis an ill Dog that’s not worth whistling for.