AN AN-TEA ANACREONTIC.—No. 3.

“Nulli vendemus, nulli negabimus, aut differemus rectum vel justitiam.” [Exit.]

CRIER.—This Court will sit the next time it is the Lord High Inquisitor’s pleasure that it should sit, and at no other period or time.—God save the Queen!

Apollo! ere the adverse fatesGave thy lyre to Mr. Yates22. This celebrated instrument now crowns the chaste yet elaborate front of the Adelphi Theatre, where full-length effigies of Mr. and Mrs. Yates may be seen silently inviting the public to walk in.,I have melted at thy strainWhen Bunn reign’d o’er Drury-lane;For the music of thy stringsHaunts the ear when Romer sings.But to methatvoice is mute!Tuneless kettle-drum and fluteI but hearoneliquid lyre—Kettle bubbling on the fire,Whizzing, fizzing, steaming outMusic from its curved spot,Wak’ning visions by its songOf thy nut-brown streams, Souchong;Lumps of crystal saccharine—Liquid pearl distill’d from kine;Nymphs whose gentle voices mingleWith the silver tea-spoons’ jingle!Symposiarch I o’er all preside,The Pidding of the fragrant tide.Such the dreams that fancy brings,When my tuneful kettle sings!

Apollo! ere the adverse fates

Gave thy lyre to Mr. Yates22. This celebrated instrument now crowns the chaste yet elaborate front of the Adelphi Theatre, where full-length effigies of Mr. and Mrs. Yates may be seen silently inviting the public to walk in.,

I have melted at thy strain

When Bunn reign’d o’er Drury-lane;

For the music of thy strings

Haunts the ear when Romer sings.

But to methatvoice is mute!

Tuneless kettle-drum and flute

I but hearoneliquid lyre—

Kettle bubbling on the fire,

Whizzing, fizzing, steaming out

Music from its curved spot,

Wak’ning visions by its song

Of thy nut-brown streams, Souchong;

Lumps of crystal saccharine—

Liquid pearl distill’d from kine;

Nymphs whose gentle voices mingle

With the silver tea-spoons’ jingle!

Symposiarch I o’er all preside,

The Pidding of the fragrant tide.

Such the dreams that fancy brings,

When my tuneful kettle sings!

7th mo. 29th, 1841.

Friend Reuben,—I am in rect. of thine of 27th inst., and note contents. It affordeth me consolation that the brigHazardhath arrived safely in thy port—whereof I myself was an underwriter—also, that a man-child hath been born unto thee and to thy faithful spouse Rebecca. Nevertheless, the house of Crash and Crackitt hath stopped payment, which hath caused sore lamentation amongst the faithful, who have discounted their paper. It hath pleased Providence to raise the price of E.I. sugars; the quotations of B.P. coffee are likewise improving, in both of which articles I am a large holder. Yet am I not puffed up with foolish vanity, but have girded myself round with the girdle of lowliness, even as with the band which is all round my hat! In token whereof, I offered to hand 20 puncheons of the former, asA glyph of a stylized Pmargin.

There are serious ferments and heartburnings amongst the great ones of this land: and those that sit on the benches called “The Treasury” are become sore afraid, for he whom men call Lord John Russell hath had notice to quit. Thereat, the Tories rejoice mightily, and lick their chops for the fat morsels and the sops in the pan that Robert the son ofJennyhath promised unto his followers. Nevertheless, tidings have reached me that a good spec. might be made in Y.C. tallow, whereon I desire thy opinion; as also on the practice of stuffing roast turkey with green walnuts, which hath been highly recommended by certain of the brethren here, who have with long diligence and great anxiety meditated upon the subject.

And now, I counsel thee, hold fast the change which thou hast, striving earnestly for that which thou hast not, taking heed especially that no man comes the “artful” over thee; whereby I caution thee against one Tom Kitefly of Manchester, whose bills have returned back unto me, clothed with that unseemly garment which the notary calleth “a protest.” Assuredly he is a viper in the paths of the unwary, and will bewray thee with his fair speeches; therefore, I say, take heed unto him.

I remain thy friend,EBEN. BEWLEY.Mincing Lane.

Sir,—Seeing in the first number of your paper an announcement from Mr. Thomas Hood, that he was in want of a laugher, I beg to offer my services in that comic capacity, and to hand you my card and certificates of my cachinnatory powers.

T.C.

CARD.Mr. Toady Chuckle begs to inform wits, punsters, and jokers in general that heGOES OUT LAUGHING.His truly invaluable zest for bad jokes has been patronised by several popular farce-writers and parliamentary Pasquins.Mr. T.C. always has at command smiles for satire, simpers for repartee, sniggers for conundrums, titters for puns, and guffaws for jocular anecdotes. By Mr. T.C.’s system, cues for laughter are rendered unnecessary, as, from a long course of practical experience, the moment of cachinnation is always judiciously selected.N.B. The worst Jokes laughed at, and rendered successful. Old Joes made to tell as well as new.COMIC CREDENTIALS.T.R.C.G.Sir,—I feel myself bound in justice to you and your invaluable laughter, as well as to others who may be suffering, as I have been, with a weakly farce, to inform you of its extraordinary results in my case. My bantling was given up by all the faculty, when you were happily shown into the boxes. One laugh removed all sibillatory indications; a second application of your invaluable cachinnation elicited slight applause; whilst a third, in the form of aguffaw, rendered it perfectly successful.From the prevalence of dulness among dramatic writers, I have no doubt that your services will be in general requisition.I am, yours, very respectfully,J.R. Planche.C—— C——.Sir,—I beg to inform you, for the good of other bad jokers, that I deem the introduction of your truly valuable cachinnation one of the most important ever made; in proof of which, allow me to state, that after a joke of mine had proved a failure for weeks, I was induced to try your cachinnation, by the use of which it met with unequivocal success; and, I declare, if the cost were five guineas aguffaw, I would not be without it.Yours truly,Charles Delaet Waldo Sibthorp (Colonel).

Mr. Toady Chuckle begs to inform wits, punsters, and jokers in general that he

His truly invaluable zest for bad jokes has been patronised by several popular farce-writers and parliamentary Pasquins.

Mr. T.C. always has at command smiles for satire, simpers for repartee, sniggers for conundrums, titters for puns, and guffaws for jocular anecdotes. By Mr. T.C.’s system, cues for laughter are rendered unnecessary, as, from a long course of practical experience, the moment of cachinnation is always judiciously selected.

N.B. The worst Jokes laughed at, and rendered successful. Old Joes made to tell as well as new.

T.R.C.G.

Sir,—I feel myself bound in justice to you and your invaluable laughter, as well as to others who may be suffering, as I have been, with a weakly farce, to inform you of its extraordinary results in my case. My bantling was given up by all the faculty, when you were happily shown into the boxes. One laugh removed all sibillatory indications; a second application of your invaluable cachinnation elicited slight applause; whilst a third, in the form of aguffaw, rendered it perfectly successful.

From the prevalence of dulness among dramatic writers, I have no doubt that your services will be in general requisition.

I am, yours, very respectfully,J.R. Planche.C—— C——.

Sir,—I beg to inform you, for the good of other bad jokers, that I deem the introduction of your truly valuable cachinnation one of the most important ever made; in proof of which, allow me to state, that after a joke of mine had proved a failure for weeks, I was induced to try your cachinnation, by the use of which it met with unequivocal success; and, I declare, if the cost were five guineas aguffaw, I would not be without it.

Yours truly,Charles Delaet Waldo Sibthorp (Colonel).

The two doctors, Peel and Russell, who have been so long engaged in renovating John Bull’s “glorious constitution!” though they both adopt the lowering system at present, differ as to the form of practice to be pursued. Russell still strenuously advocates hispurge, while Sir Robert insists upon the efficacy ofbleeding.

“Who shall decide when doctors disagree?”

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Our opinion is, that science cannot be too familiarly dealt with; and though too much familiarity certainly breeds contempt, we are only following the fashion of the day, in rendering science somewhat contemptible, by the strange liberties that publishers ofPenny Cyclopædias, three-halfpennyInformations, and twopennyStores of Knowledge, are prone to take with it.

In order to show that we intend going at high game, we shall begin with the stars; and if we do not succeed in levelling the heavens to the very meanest capacity—even to that of

A squalling child punches its mother.AN INFANT IN ARMS—

AN INFANT IN ARMS—

we shall at once give up all claims to the title of an enlightener of the people.

Every body knows there are planets in the air, which are called theplanetarysystem. Every one knows our globe goes upon its axis, and has two poles, but what is the axis, and what the poles are made of—whether of wood, or any other material—are matters which, as far as the mass are concerned, are involved in the greatest possible obscurity.

The north pole is chiefly remarkable for no one having ever succeeded in reaching it, though there seems to have been a regular communication to it by post in the time of Pope, whose lines—

“Speed the soft intercourse from zone to zone.And waft a sigh from Industo the pole,”

“Speed the soft intercourse from zone to zone.

And waft a sigh from Industo the pole,”

imply, without doubt, that packages reached the pole; not, however, without regard to thesize(SIGHS), which may have been limited.

The sun, every body knows, is very large, and indeed the size has been ascertained to an inch, though we must say we should like to see the gentleman who measured it. Astronomers declare there are spots upon it, which may be the case, unless thesavanshave been misled by specks of dirt on the bottom of their telescopes. As these spots are said to disappear from time to time, we are strongly inclined to think our idea is the correct one. Some insist that the sun is liquid like water, but if it were, the probability is, that from its intense heat, the whole must have boiled away long ago, or put itself out, which is rather more feasible.

We do not think it necessary to go into the planets, for, if we did, it is not unlikely we should be some time time before we got out again; but we shall say a few words about our own Earth, in which our readers must, of course, take a special interest.

It has been decided, that, viewed from the moon, our globe presents a mottled appearance; but, as this assertion can possibly rest on no better authority than that of the Man in the Moon, we must decline putting the smallest faith in it.

It is calculated that a day in the moon lasts just a fortnight, and that the night is of the same duration. If this be the case, the watchmen in the moon must be horridly over-worked, and daily labourers must be fatigued in proportion. When the moon is on the increase, it is seen in the crescent; but whether Mornington-crescent or Burton-crescent, or any other crescent in particular, has not been mentioned by either ancient or modern astronomers. The only articles we get from the moon, are moonlight and madness.Lunarcaustic is not derived from the planet alluded to.

Of the stars, one of the most brilliant isSirius, orthe Dog-star, which it is calculated gives just one-twenty-millionth part of the light of the sun, or about as much as that of a farthing rushlight. It would seem that such a shabby degree of brilliancy was hardly worth having; but when it is remembered that it takes three years to come, it really seems hardly worth while to travel so far to so very little purpose.

The most magnificent of the starry phenomena, is the Milky Way orWhey; and, indeed, the epithet seems superfluous, for allwheyis to a certain extent milky. TheBand of Orionis familiar to all of us by name; but it is not a musical band, as most people are inclined to think it is. Perhaps the allusion to themusic of the spheresmay have led to this popular error, as well as to that which regards Orion’sbandas one ofwindinstruments.

We shall not go into those ingenious calculations that some astronomers have indulged in, as to the time it would take for a cannon-ball to come from the sun to the earth, for we really hope the earth will never be troubled by so unwelcome a visitor. Nor shall we throw out any suggestions as to how long a bullet would be going from the globe to the moon; for we do not think any one would be found goose enough to take up his rifle with the intention of trying the experiment.

Comets are, at present, though very luminous bodies, involved in considerable obscurity. Though there is plenty of light in comets, we are almost entirely in the dark concerning them. All we know about them is, that they are often coming, but never come, and that, after frightening us every now and then, by threatening destruction to our earth, they turn sharp off, all of a sudden, and we see no more of them. Astronomers have spied at them, learned committees have sat upon them, and old women have been frightened out of their wits by them; but, notwithstanding all this, thecometis so utterly mysterious, that “therebyhangs a tail” is all we are prepared to say respecting it.

We trust the above remarks will have thrown a light on the sun and moon, illustrated the stars, and furnished a key to the skies in general; but those who require further information are referred to Messrs. Adams and Walker, whose plans of the universe, consisting of several yellow spots on a few yards of black calico, are exactly the things to give the students of astronomy a full development of those ideas which it has been our aim to open out to him.

“With too much blood and too little brain, these two may run mad; but if with too much brain and too little blood, they do, I’ll be a curer of madmen.”—Troilus and Cressida.

MR. PETER BORTHWICK and Colonel Sibthorpe are both named as candidates for the Speaker’s chair. Peter has a certificate of being “abouldspeaker,” from old Richardson, in whose company he was engaged as parade-clown and check-taker. The gallant Colonel, however, is decidedly the favourite, notwithstanding his very ungracious summary of the Whigs some time ago. We would give one of the buttons off our hump to see

A seated bearded man wearing a wig and robes.SIBTHORPE IN THE CHAIR.

SIBTHORPE IN THE CHAIR.

MR. JOSEPH MUGGINS begs to inform his old crony, PUNCH, that the report of Sir John Pullon, “as to the possibility of elevating an ass to the head of the poll by bribery and corruption” is perfectly correct, provided there is no abatement in the price. Let him canvass again, and Mr. J.M. pledges himself, whatever his weight, if he will only stand “one penny more, up goes the donkey!”

A circus performer balances a ladder with his mouth. A donkey is balancing on top of the ladder.CANDIDATE AT THE HEAD OF THE POLE.

CANDIDATE AT THE HEAD OF THE POLE.

Robbed—Melbourne’s butcher of his twelvemonth’s billings.

Verdict—Stealing under forty shillings.

The Chancery bar has been lately occupied with a question relating to a patent for pins’ heads. The costs are estimated at £5000. The lawyers are the best boxers, after all. Only let them get ahead in chancery, even apin’s, and see how they make the proprietorbleed.

Died, Eagle Rouse—Verdict,Felo de se.

Induced by being ta’en for—Ross, M.P.

When Mr. Rumball was at the Surrey Theatre, the treasurer paid him the proceeds of a share of a benefit in half-crowns, shillings, and sixpences, which Rumball boasted that he had carried home on his head. His friends, from that day, accounted for hissilveryhair!

[pg 42]

We beg to invite attention to the aspect of our Foreign Affairs. It is dark, lowering, gloomy—some would say, alarming. When it smiles, its smiles deceive. To use the very mildest term, it is exceedingly suspicious. Let John Bull look to his pockets.

It is, nevertheless, but a piece of justice to state, that, formidable as the appearance of Foreign Affairs may be, no blame whatever can, in our opinion, be attached to Lord Palmerston.

The truth is, that the Foreign Affairs of PUNCH are not the Foreign Affairs of Politics. They are certain living beings; and we call them Affairs, by way of compromise with some naturalists, to whom the respective claims of man and the ape to their relationship may appear as yet undecided.

In their anatomical construction they undoubtedly resemble mankind; they are also endowed with the faculty of speech. Their clothes, moreover, do not grow upon their backs, although they look very much as if they did. They come over here in large numbers from other countries, chiefly from France; and in London abound in Leicester-square, and are constantly to be met with under the Quadrant in Regent-street, where they grin, gabble, chatter, and sometimes dance, to the no small diversion of the passengers.

As these Foreign Affairs have long been the leaders of fashion, and continue still to give the tone to the manners and sentiments of the politer circles, where also their language is, perhaps, more frequently spoken than the vernacular tongue; and as there is something about them—no matter what—which renders them great favourites with a portion of the softer sex, we shall endeavour to point out, for the edification of those who may be disposed to copy them, those peculiarities of person, deportment, and dress, by which their tribe is distinguished.

We address ourselves more particularly to those whose animal part—every man is said to resemble, in some respect, one of the lower animals—is made up of the marmozet and the puppy.

Be it known, then, to all those whom it may concern, that there are, to speak in a general way, two great classes of Foreign Affairs—the shining and the dingy.

The characteristic appearance of the former might, perhaps, be obtained by treating the apparel with a preparation of plumbago or black lead; that of the latter by the use of some fuliginous substance, as a dye, or, perhaps, by direct fumigation. The gloss upon the cheeks might be produced by perseverance in the process of dry-rubbing; the more humid style of visage, by the application of emollient cataplasms. General sallowness would result, as a matter of course, from assiduous dissipation. Young gentlemen thus glazed and varnished,French-polished, in fact, from top to toe, might glitter in the sun like beetles; or adopt, if they preferred it, as being better adapted for lady-catching, the more sombre guise of the spider.

Foreign Affairs have two opposite modes of wearing the hair; we can recommend both to those studious of elegance. The locks may be suffered to flow about the shoulders in ringlets, resembling the tendrils of the vine, by which means much will be done towards softening down the asperities of sex; or they may be cropped close to the scalp in such a manner as to impart a becoming prominence to the ears. When the development of those appendages is more than usually ample, and when nature has given the head a particularly stiff and erect covering, descending in two lateral semicircles, and a central point on the forehead, the last mentioned style is the more appropriate By its adoption, the most will be made of certain personal, we might almost say generic, advantages;—we shall call it, in the language of the Foreign Affairs themselves, thecoiffure à-la-singe.

Useful hints, with respect to the management of the whiskers, may be derived from the study of Foreign Affairs. The broad, shorn, smooth extent of jaw, darkened merely on its denuded surface, and the trimmed regular fringe surrounding the face, are both, in perhaps equal degrees, worthy of the attention of the tasteful. The shaggy beard and mustachios, especially, if aided by the effect of a ferocious scowl, will admirably suit those who would wish to have an imposing appearance; the chin, with its pointed tuftà la capricorne, will, at all events, ensure distinction from the human herd; and the decorated upper lip, with its downy growth dyed black, and gummed (the cheek at the same time having been faintly tinged with rouge, the locks parted, perfumed, and curled, the waist duly compressed, a slight addition, if necessary, made to the breadth of the hips, and the feet confined by the most taper and diminutivechausserieimaginable), will just serve to give to thetout ensemblethat one touch of the masculine character which, perhaps, it may be well to retain.

The remarkable tightness and plumpness of limbs and person exhibited by Foreign Affairs cannot have escaped observation. This attractive quality may be acquired by purchasing the material out of which the clothes are to be made, and giving the tailor only just as much as may exactly suffice for the purpose. Its general effect will be much aided by wearing wristbands turned up over the cuff, and collars turned down upon the stock. An agreeable contrast of black and white will thus also be produced. Those who are fonder of harmony will do well to emulate the closely-buttoned sables likewise worn by a large class of Foreign Affairs, who, affecting a uniform tint, eschew the ostentation of linen.

The diminution of the width of their coat collars, and the increase of the convexity of their coat tails, an object which, by artificial assistance, might easily be gained, are measures which we would earnestly press on all who are ambitious of displaying an especial resemblance to Foreign Affairs. We also advise them to have lofty, napless, steeple-crowned hats.

He who would pass for a shining specimen, in every sense of the word, of a Foreign Affair, should wear varnished boots, which, if composed partly of striped cloth, or what is much prettier, of silk, will display the ancles to the better advantage.

With regard to colours in the matter of costume, the contemplation of Foreign Affairs will probably induce a preference for black, as being better suited to the complexion, though it will, at the same time, teach that the hues of the rainbow are capable, under certain circumstances, of furnishing useful suggestions.

It will have been perceived that the Foreign Affairs of which we have been treating are the Affairs of one particular nation: beside these, however, there are others; but since all of their characteristics may be acquired by letting the clothes alone, never interfering with the hair, abstaining from the practice of ablution, and smoking German pipes about the streets, they are hardly worth dwelling upon. Those who have light and somewhat shaggy locks will study such models with the best success.

Not only the appearance, but the manners also, of Foreign Affairs, may be copied with signal benefit. Two of their accomplishments will be found eminently serviceable—the art of looking black, and that of leering. These physiognomical attainments, exhibited by turns, have a marvellous power of attracting female eyes—those of them, at least, that have a tendency to wander abroad. The best way of becoming master of these acquisitions is, to peruse with attention the features of bravoes and brigands on the one hand, and those of opera-dancers on the other. The progress of Foreign Affairs should be attentively watched, as the manner of it is distinguished by a peculiar grace. This, perhaps, we cannot better teach anyone to catch, than by telling him to endeavour, in walking, to communicate, at each step, a lateral motion to his coat tail. The gait of a popular actress, dressed as a young officer, affords, next to that actually in question, the best exemplification of our meaning. Habitual dancing before a looking-glass, by begetting a kind of second nature, which will render the movements almost instinctive, will be of great assistance in this particular.

In order to secure that general style and bearing for which Foreign Affairs are so remarkable, the mind must be carefully divested of divers incompatible qualities—such as self-respect, the sense of shame, the reverential instinct, and that of conscience, as certain feelings are termed. It must also be relieved of any inconvenient weight of knowledge under which it may labour; though these directions are perhaps needless, as those who have any inclination to form themselves after the pattern of Foreign Affairs, are not very likely to have any such moral or intellectual disqualifications to get rid of. However, it would only be necessary to become conversant with the Affairs themselves, in order, if requisite, to remove all difficulties of the sort. “There is a thing,” reader, “which thou hast often heard of, and it is known to many in our land by the name of pitch;” we need not finish the quotation.

To defend the preceding observations from misconstruction, we will make, in conclusion, one additional remark; ForeignAffairsare one thing—ForeignGentlemenanother.

[pg 43]

Sketches of people on the top half of the image, and a crowd of fashionable people on the bottom. Signed by John Leach and E. Landells.FOREIGN AFFAIRS byAn ink bottle

FOREIGN AFFAIRS byAn ink bottle

[pg 45]

Some of our big mothers of the broad-sheet have expressed their surprise that Lord John Russell should have penned so long an address to the citizens of London, only the day before his wedding. For ourselves, we think, it would have augured a far worse compliment to Lady John had he written it the day after. These gentlemen very properly look upon marriage as a most awful ceremony, and would, therefore, indirectly compliment the nerve of a statesman who pens a political manifesto with the torch of Hymen in his eyes, and the whole house odorous of wedding-cake. In the like manner have we known the last signature of an unfortunate gentleman, about to undergo a great public and private change, eulogized for the firmness and clearness of its letters, with the perfect mastery of the supplementary flourish. However, what is written is written; whether penned to the rustling of bridesmaids’ satins, or the surplice of the consolatory ordinary—whether to the anticipated music of a marriage peal, or to the more solemn accompaniment of the bell of St. Sepulchre’s.

Ha! Lord John, had you only spoken out a little year ago—had you only told her Majesty’s Commons what you told the Livery of London—then, at this moment, you had been no moribund minister—then had Sir Robert Peel been as far from St. James’s as he has ever been from Chatham. But so it is: the Whig Ministry, like martyr Trappists, have died rather than open their mouths. They would not hear the counsel of their friends, and they refused tospeak outto their enemies. They retire from office with, at least, this distinction—they are henceforth honorary members of the Asylum for the Deaf and Dumb!

Again, the Whigs are victims to their inherent sense of politeness—to their instinctive observance of courtesy towards the Tories. There has been no bold defiance—no challenge to mortal combat for the cause of public good; but when Whig has called out Tory, it has been in picked and holiday phrase—

“As if a brother should a brother dare,To gentle exercise and proof of arms.”

“As if a brother should a brother dare,

To gentle exercise and proof of arms.”

For a long time the people have expected to see “cracked crowns and bloody noses,” and at length, with true John Bull disgust, turned from the ring, convinced that the Whigs, whatever play they might make, would never go in and fight.

But have the Tories been correspondingly courteous? By no means; the generosity of politeness has been wholly with the Whigs. They, like frolicsome youths at a carnival, have pelted their antagonists with nothing harder than sugar-plums—with egg-shells filled with rose-water; while the Tories have acknowledged such holiday missiles with showers of brickbats, and eggsnotfilled with aromatic dew. What was the result? The Tories increased in confidence and strength with every new assault; whilst the battered Whigs, from their sheer pusillanimity, became noisome in the nostrils of the country.

At length, the loaves and fishes being about to be carried off, the Whigs speak out: like sulky Master Johnny, who, pouting all dinner-time, with his finger in his mouth, suddenly finds his tongue when the apple-dumplings are to be taken from the table. Then does he advance his plate, seize his ivory knife and fork, put on a look of determined animation, and cry aloud for plenty of paste, plenty of fruit, and plenty of sugar! And thenMrs. Tory(it must be confessed a wicked oldMother Colein her time), with a face not unlike the countenance of a certain venerable paramour at a baptismal rite, declares upon her hopes of immortality that the child shall have nothing of the sort, there being nothing so dangerous to the constitution as plenty of flour, plenty of fruit, and plenty of sugar. Therefore, there is a great uproar with Master Johnny: the House, to use a familiar phrase, is turned out of the windows; the neighbourhood is roused; Master Johnny rallies his friends about him, that is, all the other boys ofthe court, and the fight begins. Johnny and his mates make a very good fight, but certain heavy Buckinghamshire countrymen—fellows of fifty stone—are brought to the assistance of that screaming beldameMother Tory, and poor Master Johnny has no other election than to listen to the shouts of triumph that declare there never shall be plenty of flour, plenty of sugar, or, in a word, plenty of pudding.

However, Lord Russell is not discouraged. No; he says “thereshallbe cakes and ale, and ginger shall be hot i’ the mouth, too!” We only trust that his Lordship’s manifesto is not tinged by those feelings of hope (and in the case of his lordship we may add, resignation) that animate most men about to enter wedlock. We trust he does not confound his own anticipations of happiness with the prospects of the country; for in allusion to the probable policy of the Tories, he says—“Returned to office—they may adopt our measures, and submit to the influence of reason.” Reason from the Stanleys—reason from the Goulburns—reason from the Aberdeens! When the Marquis of Londonderry shall have discovered the longitude, and Colonel Sibthorp have found out the philosopher’s stone, we may then begin to expect the greater miracle.

The Whigs, according to Lord Russell’s letter, have really done so much when out of power, and—as he insinuates, are again ready to do so much the instant they are expelled the Treasury—that for the sake of the country, it must be a matter of lamentation if ever they get in again.

Punch, we regret to state, was taken into custody on Monday night at a late hour, on a warrant, for the purpose of being bound over to keep the peace towards Sir John Pollen, Bart. The circumstances giving rise to this affair will be better explained by a perusal of the following correspondence, which took place between ourselves and Sir John, on the occasion, a copy of which we subjoin:—

Wellington Street, July30, 1841.

SIR,—I have this moment read in theMorning Chronicle, the correspondence between you and Lord William Paget, wherein you are reported to say, that your recent defeat at the Andover election was effected by “tampering with some of the smaller voters, who would have voted forPunch or any other puppet;” and that such expressions were not intended to bepersonally offensiveto Lord William Paget! The members of her Majesty’s puppetry not permitting derogatory conclusions to be drawn at their expense, I call upon you to state whether the above assertions are correct; and if so, whether, in the former case, you intended to allude personally to myself, or my friend Colonel Sibthorp; or, in the latter, to infer that you considered Lord W. Paget in any way our superior.

I have the honour to be, Sir, your obedient servant,PUNCH.

Sir John Pollen, Bart.

Redenham, July 30, 1841.

SIGNOR,—I have just received a note in which you complain of a speech made by me at Andover. I have sent express for my Lord Wilkshire, and will then endeavour to recollect what I did say.

I have the honour to be, your admirer,JOHN POLLEN.

To Signor Punch.

White Hart.

SIGNOR,—My friend Lord Wilkshire has just arrived. It is his opinion that: I did use the terms “Punch, or any other puppet;” but I intended them to have been highly complimentary, as applied to Lord William Paget.

I have the honour to be, your increased admirer,JOHN POLLEN.

To Signor Punch.

Wellington Street.

SIR,—I and the Colonel are perfectly satisfied. Yours ever,

PUNCH

Wellington Street.

MY LORD,—It would have afforded me satisfaction to have consulted the wishes of Sir John Pollen in regard to the publication of this correspondence. The over-zeal of Sir John’s friends have left me no choice in the matter, I shall print.

Your obedient servant,PUNCH.

Earl of Wilkshire.

Thus ended this—

A man looks into a dressing mirror, and his reflection shows a devil's head.CURIOUS CORRESPONDENCE.

CURIOUS CORRESPONDENCE.

HUMFERY CHEAT-’EM.—(VideAinsworth’s “Guy Fawkes.”)

A city friend met us the other morning: “Hark ‘ee,” said he, “Alderman Humfery has been selling shares of the Blackwall Railway, which were not in his possession; and when the directors complained, and gave him notice that they would bring his conduct before a full meeting, inviting him at the same time to attend, and vindicate or explain his conduct as he best might, he not only declined to do so, but hurried off to Dublin. Now, I want to know this,” and he took me by the button, “why was Alderman Humfery, when he ran away to Dublin, like the boy who ripped up his goose which laid golden eggs?”—We were fain to give it up.—“Because,” said he, with a cruel dig in the ribs, “because hecut his lucky!”

[pg 46]

The following interesting narrative of the sufferings of the youth Jones, whose indefatigable pursuit of knowledge, under the most discouraging circumstances, has been the cause of his banishment to a distant shore, was lately picked up at sea, in a sealed bottle, by a homeward-bound East Indiaman, and since placed in our hands by the captain of the vessel; who complimented us by saying, he felt such confidence in PUNCH’S honour and honesty! (these were his very words), that he unhesitatingly confided to him the precious document, in order that it might be given to the world without alteration or curtailment.

We hasten to realise the captain’s flattering estimate of our character.

At see, on board the ship Apollo.

June 30.—So soon as the fust aggytation of my mind is woar off, I take up my pen to put my scentiments on peaper, in hops that my friends as nose the misfortin wich as oc-curdto me, may think off me wen I’m far awhey. Halass! sir, the wicktim of that crewel blewbeard, Lord Melbun, who got affeard of my rising poplarity in the Palass, and as sent me toseefor mypeeping, though, heaven nose, I was acktyated by the pewrest motiffs in what I did. The reel fax of the case is, I’m a young man of an ighly cultiwated mind and a veryink-wisitive disposition, wich naturally led me to the use of thepen. I ad also bean in the abit of reading “Jak Sheppard,” and I may add, that I O all my eleygant tastes to the perowsal of that faxinating book. O! wot a noble mind the author of these wollums must have!—what a frootful inwention and fine feelings he displays!—what a delicat weal he throws over the piccadillys of his ero, making petty larceny lovely, and burglarly butiful.

However, I don’t mean now to enter into a reglar crickitism of this egxtrornary work, but merely to observe, when I read it fust I felt a thust for literrerry fame spring up in my buzzem; and I thort I should to be an orthor. Unfortinnet delusion!—that thort has proved my rooin. It was thebeanof my life, and the destroyer of mypease. From that moment I could think of nothink else; I neglekted my wittles and my master, and wanderd about like a knight-errand-boy who had forgotten his message. Sleap deserted my lowly pillar, and, like a wachful shepherd, I lay all night awake amongst myflocks. I had got hold of a single idear—it was the axle of my mind, and, like a wheelbarrow, my head was always turning upon it. At last I resolved to rite, and I cast my i’s about for a subject—they fell on the Palass! Ear, as my friend Litton Bulwer ses, ear was a field for genus to sore into;—ear was an area for fillophosy to dive into;—ear was a truly magnificient and comprehensive desine for a greatnash-ional picture! I had got a splendid title, too—not for myself—I’ve a sole above such trumperry—but for my book. Boox is like humane beings—a good title goes a grate way with the crowd:—the one I ad chose for myshed-oove, was “Pencillings in the Palass; or, a Small Voice from the Royal Larder,” with commick illustriations by Fiz or Krokvill. Mr. Bentley wantid to be engaged as monthly nuss for my expected projeny; and a nother gen’leman, whose “name” shall be “never heard,” offered to goshearswith me, if I’d consent tocut-uupthe Cort ladies. “No,” ses I, indignantly, “I leave Cort scandle to my betters—I go on independent principals into the Palass, and that’s more than Lord Melbun, or Sir Robert Peal, or any one of the insiders or outsiders ever could or ever can say of theirselves.

That’s what I saidthen,—but now I think, what a cussed fool I was. All my eye-flown bubbles were fated to be busted and melted, like thewigs, “into thinhair.”

Nong port!We gets wiser as we gets

Genteel Reader,—I beg your parding. I’m better now. Bless me, how the ship waggles! It’s reelly hawful; the sailors only laff at it, but I suppose as they’re alltarsthey don’t mind beingpitcheda little.

The capting tells me we are now reglarly at see, having just passt the North 4 land; so, ackording to custom, I begin my journal, or, as naughtical men call it—to keep my log.

12 o’clock.—Wind.—All in my eye. Mate said we had our larburd tax aboard—never herd of that tax on shore. Told me I should learn to box the compass—tried, but couldn’t do it—so boxt the cabbing boy insted. Capting several times calld to a man who was steering—“Port, port;” but though he always anserd, “Eye, eye, sir,” he didn’t bring him a drop. The black cook fell into the hold on the topp of his hed. Everybody sed he was gone to Davy Jones’s locker; but he warn’t, for he soon came to again, drank 1/2 a pint of rumm, and declared it was—

A black man applies Marrens Jet shoe polish to his face.THE REAL BLACK REVIVER.

THE REAL BLACK REVIVER.

Saw a yung salor sitting on the top of one of the masts—thort of Dibdings faymos see-song, and asked if he warn’t

“The sweet little cherub that sits up aloft?”

Man laff’d, and said it wor only Bill Junk clearing the pennant halliards.

1 o’clock.—Thort formerly that every sailer wore his pigtale at the back of his head, like Mr. Tippy Cook—find I labored under a groce mistake—they all carry their pigtale in their backy-boxes. When I beheld the sailors working and heaving, and found that I was also beginning to heave-too, I cuddn’t help repeting the varse of the old song—which fitted my case egsactly:—

“There’s the capt’n he is our kimmander,There’s the bos’n and all the ship’s crew,There’s the married men as well as the single,Ken-ows what we poor sailors goes through.”

“There’s the capt’n he is our kimmander,

There’s the bos’n and all the ship’s crew,

There’s the married men as well as the single,

Ken-ows what we poor sailors goes through.”

However, I made up my mind not to look inward on my own wose any longer, so I put my head out of a hole in the side of the ship—and, my wiskers! how she did whizz along. Saw the white cliffs of Halbion a long way off, wich brought tiers in my i, thinking of those I had left behind, particular Sally Martin the young gal I was paying my attentions to, who gave me alockof her air when I was a leaving of thekey. Oh! Lord Melbun, Lord Melbun! how can you rest in youre 4-post bed at nite, nowing you have broke the tize of affexion and divided 2 fond arts for hever! This mellancholly reflexion threw me into a poeticle fitte, and though I was werry uneasy in mystommik, and had nothing to rite on but mychest. I threw off as follows in a few 2nds, and arterards sung it to the well-none hair of “Willy Reilly:”—

Oakum to me33. The nautical mode of writing—“Oh! come to me.”—PRINTER’S DEVIL., ye sailors bold,Wot plows upon the sea;To you I mean for to unfoldMy mournful histo-ree.So pay attention to my song,And quick-el-ly shall appear,How innocently, all along,I vos in-weigle-ed here.One night, returnin home to bed,I walk’d through Pim-li-co,And, twigging of the Palass, sed,“I’mJonesandIn-i-go.”But afore I could get out, my boysPollise-man 20 A,He caught me by the corderoys,And lugged me right a-way.My cuss upon Lord Melbun, andOn Jonny Russ-all-so,That forc’d me from my native landAcross the vaves to go-o-oh.But all their spiteful arts is wain,My spirit down to keep;I hopes I’ll soon git back again,To take another peep.

Oakum to me33. The nautical mode of writing—“Oh! come to me.”—PRINTER’S DEVIL., ye sailors bold,

Wot plows upon the sea;

To you I mean for to unfold

My mournful histo-ree.

So pay attention to my song,

And quick-el-ly shall appear,

How innocently, all along,

I vos in-weigle-ed here.

One night, returnin home to bed,I walk’d through Pim-li-co,And, twigging of the Palass, sed,“I’mJonesandIn-i-go.”But afore I could get out, my boysPollise-man 20 A,He caught me by the corderoys,And lugged me right a-way.

One night, returnin home to bed,

I walk’d through Pim-li-co,

And, twigging of the Palass, sed,

“I’mJonesandIn-i-go.”

But afore I could get out, my boys

Pollise-man 20 A,

He caught me by the corderoys,

And lugged me right a-way.

My cuss upon Lord Melbun, andOn Jonny Russ-all-so,That forc’d me from my native landAcross the vaves to go-o-oh.But all their spiteful arts is wain,My spirit down to keep;I hopes I’ll soon git back again,To take another peep.

My cuss upon Lord Melbun, and

On Jonny Russ-all-so,

That forc’d me from my native land

Across the vaves to go-o-oh.

But all their spiteful arts is wain,

My spirit down to keep;

I hopes I’ll soon git back again,

To take another peep.

2 o’clock.—Bell rung for all hands to come down to dinner. Thought I never saw dirtier hands in my life. They call their dinner “a mess” on broad ship, and a preshious mess it did look—no bread but hard biskit and plenty of ship’srolls, besides biled pork and P-soop—both these articles seemed rayther queer—felt my stommick growing quear too—got on deck, and asked where we were—was told we were in the Straits of Dover. I never was in such dreadful straits in my life—ship leaning very much on one side, which made me feel like a man

A man falling backwards off of a steep roof.GOING OFF IN A RAPID DECLINE.

GOING OFF IN A RAPID DECLINE.

3 o’clock.—Weather getting rather worse than better. Mind very uneasy. Capting says we shall have plenty of squalls to-night; and I heard him just now tell the mate to look to the main shrouds, so I spose it’s all dickey with us, and that this log will be my sad epilog. The idear of being made fish meat was so orrible to my sensitive mind, that I couldn’t refrain from weaping, which made the capting send me down stairs, to vent my sorros in the cabletiers.

5 o’clock.—I’m sure we shan’t srwive this night, therefore I av determined to put my heavy log into an M T rum-bottle, and throw it overbord, in bops it may be pickd up by some pirson who will bare my sad tail to my dear Sally. And now I conclewd with this short advice:—Let awl yung men take warning by my crewel fate. Let them avide bad kumpany and keep out of the Palass; and above all, let them mind their bissnesses on dri land, and never cast their fortunes on anymain, like their unfortinet

Servant, THE BOY JONES.

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