169
“Mr. Pomper, thinkin’ he would see better, got up on the bench, and jest as he shouted out ‘How firm a foundation,’ the bench broke and down he come.” (See page 168)
“Mr. Pomper, thinkin’ he would see better, got up on the bench, and jest as he shouted out ‘How firm a foundation,’ the bench broke and down he come.” (See page 168)
170
As I looked round me, I liked the place more and more. What need wuz there of upholstery and carpets? Brussels never turned out such a carpet as old Mom Nater had spread all round that Temple of hern. Old Gobelin never wove such tapestry. No Empress of the wonder-laden East ever had hung in her boodore such a marvelous green texture as drooped down in emerald canopies above us. No golden lamp ever gin such a light as sifted down over the matchless green overhead, to light that solemn sanctuary. No organ ever gin out such sweet sound as the birds warbled anon or oftener. No jeweled ornaments ever sparkled on a altar like the emerald and gold winged butterflies flutterin’ round that sacred hant, amongst the wild flowers that blossomed even up to the door. And it seemed as if the soul could soar up easier somehow when you could look right into the blue mystery of the sky, the trackless path that souls mount up on in prayer and praise. Somehow plaster and mortar seem more confinin’.171Though I d’no as it really makes any difference. Heaven is over all, and the soul’s wings can pierce the heaviest material, bein’ made in jest that strong and delicate way, but yet it seemed more free and soarin’ somehow, and as if the path heavenward wuz clearer.
The breezes kind of hung off and didn’t come in. Josiah said they wuz afraid to land on Thousand Island Park for fear of bein’ fined for travelin’ on Sunday, but it wuzn’t so, they didn’t come because it wuz so sultry and kinder muggy.
I’d hearn that the man who wuz goin’ to preach wuz a dretful smart man, a Evangelist and Temperance Lecturer. A man so gifted and good that folks would go milds and milds to hear him, he seemed to hold the secret of inspirin’ men and wimmen, and rousin’ ’em out of their cold icy states, and drawin’ ’em right along towards the mounts he habitually stood on. He’d done sights of good, sights on it.
And anon I see a stir round the preacher’s stand that made me know the speaker of the day, the great Revivalist and Temperance worker had come. And most immegiately a tall figger passed through the crowd that made172way for him reverentially. There wuz a smile and a good look on his face for all the bretheren round him, some like a benediction, only less formal. As he come out on the stand and stood before us I could see that there wuz a light shinin’ on his face as if ketched from some heavenly and divine power. His eyes wuz soft and deep lookin’, as if he knew jest how mean and weak humanity wuz, and wuz sorry for folks, and would like to tell ’em the secret he had found out, how to overcome the world, the flesh, and the devil, specially the devil.
His smile wuz sad and sweet, jest about half-and-half. His features wuz good, and his hair, which wuz light brown to start with, wuz considerable gray round his forward. His voice wuz like the sound of deep waters that penetrates through all lighter voices and that you hear through ’em all, jest as you hear the voice of the great River through all the murmurin’s of the trees and bird song on the shore. He gin out a him in that sweet melogious voice that wuz as good as singin’ or better. The him told how, though we could not climb up into Heaven to bring the Lord Christ down, yet how love had still its Olivet and Faith its Galilee. And one verse wuz:173
The healing of that seamless dressIs by our beds of pain;We touch it in life’s care and stressAnd we are strong again.
And oh the truth of them verses! As that man read and prayed and spoke, that seamless dress seemed to float along by us, worn by the pityin’ Christ, we laid holt on it with our yearnin’ longin’s and outreachin’ sperits, and felt that strength had gone out of it into our souls.
His prayer seemed to bring Heaven so near to us that we could almost look in. He asked the Lord to draw nigh to us, and He did. He asked Him to help us bear our daily trials and temptations, and the weary wearin’ cares of life, and we felt that He would help us. We felt that that sweet strong appeal for the Comforter to come into our lives to bless and strengthen us for good work, wuz answered then and there.
The Word he read wuz that incomparable chapter in Hebrews, in which Paul tells of the mighty works wrought by faith, of them who through faith subdued kingdoms, wrought righteousness, stopped the mouths of lions, out of weakness were made strong, waxed valiant in174fight, turned to flight the armies of the aliens. Women received their dead raised to life agin. And on to the end of that matchless chapter.
And the text wuz, “Wherefore seeing we are encompassed about by so great a cloud of witnesses let us lay aside every weight and the sin that doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us.”
And then follered a sermon that wuz better than any I ever hearn in my life, and I have sot under splendid preachers in my day. But this, though delivered in simple language wuz so helpful, lifting us, holding us up, so we could ketch a glimpse of the right way and inspire us with the strength to foller it.
He pinted out to us the sins that so easily beset us, easily indeed. Not the old sins of Adam and Noah and the rest—patriarchal sins that made us feel reproachful towards the old sinful patriarchs and comfortable toward ourselves. No, he pinted out the besettin’ sins that are rampant and liable to ruin us in the nineteen hundreds. After speakin’ of the other deadly sins that are liable to lay holt on us, such as oncharitableness, envy, jealousy, bigotry, intolerance, injustice, over-weaning ambition, and other personal and national sins, he spoke at175length of that monster sin, that national disgrace, Intemperance.
I spoze it wuz some as if when you tapped a barrel filled with pure water, why pure water would flow out of it. And I spoze he wuz so full of his great life work aginst that gigantick evil Intemperance, that them ideas had to flow out when the plug of silence wuz removed. And readin’ what he had about them who through faith had stopped the mouth of lions, escaped the edge of the sword, I spoze he wanted to make his hearers feel that they too could so arm themselves with faith and the power of His might, as to stop the mouths of these nineteenth century lions, overthrow the laws entrenched in lion-like strength in the stronghold of National protection, and escape the edge of the sword of personal greed and selfishness, and put to flight the army of the aliens from God and the good of humanity.
And I spoze when he thought of them wimmen who had received their dead raised to life agin, he thought of the yearly sacrifice to Intemperance, the thousands and thousands of husbands, sons, brothers who are struck by the death blight now, makin’ ready to fall into those oncounted graves. And he wanted to roust176’em up and save their souls and bodies alive and give them back to these wimmen agin, raised from the dead.
Yes, his warnin’s and appeals wuz all directed to this present time and preached to us. He never mentioned them old Egyptians who wuz all dead and drownded out years ago, both by the Red sea, and the long swosh of the sea of Time, or the old Jews and Hebrews, nor he didn’t dwell on science or philosophy, but he pressed the truth home to the hearts of his hearers, how the Lord Jesus had once dwelt upon earth, how He had passed through all the cares and sufferings that we wuz passing through, how He wuz tempted by the sins, pained by the griefs of the world, and how He pitied us and would help us.
As I say, instead of Bible crimes that had been committed centuries ago, he dwelt strong and as if his hull heart wuz in his words on that terrible national crime back of most all the other sins and crimes of to-day. That stands a huge black shape blocking up the world’s progress, that we ort to try our best to fight aginst, and how we had a Helper. And his idee wuz that good men, clergymen and such, who are wont to stand off and look down on the battlefield, ort to buckle on their armor and177join in the warfare. And he said that if sometimes the battle smoke hid the form of our great High Priest and Helper we mustn’t forgit that He wuz there, lookin’ on, seeing how the battle went between the Right and the Wrong, and giving His help towards the right side in His own good time, and he gin us to understand that:
All the blood that falls in righteous cause,Each crimson drop shall nourish snowy flowers,And quicken golden grain bright sheaves of good,That under happier skies shall yet be reaped.
“For,” sez he:
When Right opposes Wrong, shall Evil win?Nay, never; but the years of God are long.
And he counseled his hearers to keep on and work—work and follow the leadin’ of Him who shall conquer all sin and evil.
It wuz a grand and powerful effort. It wuzn’t so flowery as I’ve hearn, but the strength, the pathos of it wuz wonderful. I didn’t wonder as I hearn him talk of what I’d been told that day by different ones of how people flocked to hear him, how he might have the choice of big city churches with big salaries accordin’, but he had chosen to stay by the common people.178Had elected that he would not have wealth and station, that he would go about tellin’ of the love of God, urgin’ men to accept Him, goin’ about doin’ good.
As we listened to him, everything seemed possible, the right seemed possible to do, it almost seemed as if we felt the crown restin’ on our tired foretops. And he ended the sermon as he had begun it with a few words from the Book, “Now bretheren quit ye like men, be steadfast, strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.” And then agin he breathed out his very soul in prayer, and we wuz lifted up some distance towards the Better Country. As he ended his words we all heaved some long sithes and seemed to fall down some distance, and found ourselves to our great surprise still on the old earth.
A enthusiastick little woman, who’d shouted out, “Amen!” with the best of ’em sez to me, “Wasn’t that sermon a grand one?”
“Yes,” sez I, “it come right from his heart, and went to mine. It lifted me up some distance above the earth,” sez I.
“Yes,” sez she, “the Elder is one of the saints on earth, but we are afraid he hain’t long for this world.”179
“Why?” sez I.
“He don’t take any care of himself. He lives alone with an old housekeeper who is dretful slack and don’t have any faculty, and he don’t have things for his comfort, though he don’t complain. He gits no end of money, but gives it all away, or it is wasted to home. I went to his house once on business,—I am from the West,” sez she,—“and it wuz so bare and desolate lookin’ that I almost cried. He ort to marry,” sez she, “I have five daughters myself, and three onmarried nieces and they all say the same thing, that he ought to be married to some woman who would jest worship him, for no woman could help it, and take care on him. For,” sez she with a shrewd look, “the smartest men and the most spiritual ones are the most helpless, come to things of this world.”
“Yes,” sez I, “our minister to Jonesville could no more make a mess of cream biscuit than he could fly. He is great on the Evidences, and a great Bible expounder, but he couldn’t sew on a button so it wouldn’t pucker the cloth, if he should cry like a babe.”
“No,” sez she, “I presume not, my girls are splendid with the needle, and good cooks, and so religious—it’s a sight! and so are my sister’s180three girls, though they don’t quite come up to my five.”
Well, there wuz a stir in the crowd. The Elder had come down and wuz shakin’ hands right and left with them that crowded up to him. The little woman pressed towards him and I wuz drawed along in her wake by the crowd, some as a stately ship is swep’ on by a small tug and the flowin’ waves. And anon, after shakin’ hands with her, he took my hand in hisen. A emotion swep’ through me, a sort of electric current that connects New Jerusalem to Jonesville and Zoar. He bent his full sweet penetratin’ look onto me, it seemed to go through my head clear to my back comb, and he sez,
“Have I met you before?”
“Yes,” sez I, “in sperit, we have met, I want to thank you for the words you have said this day. It seems to me I shall be good for some time, it seems that Imustafter hearin’ your discourse, and I want to thank you for it, thank you earnest and sincere.”
He smiled sort o’ sad and yet riz up, and sez, “We are all wayfarers here on a hard journey, and if I can help anyone along the way, it is I who should be thankful, and,” sez he, “may God bless you, sister!”181
And he passed on.
But he seemed to leave a wake of glory behind him as he went, some like the glow on the water when the sun walks over it, a warmin’ life givin’ influence that comes from a big soul filled with light and goodness. I seemed to be riz up above the earth all the way back to the hotel, though in body I wuz walkin’ afoot by the side of my pardner. He too wuz enthused by the sermon—I had reconized his little treble voice shoutin’ out “Amen!” and he said now that it wuz grand, powerful!
“Yes,” sez I, “and good and holy and tender!”
“Yes indeed!” sez he. And he added, “Speakin’ of tenderness, I do hope the beef will be tenderer than it wuz yesterday. I don’t believe they have such beef to Coney Island.”
CHAPTER ELEVENIn Which We Return Home, and I Perswaide Josiah to Build a Cottage for Tirzah Ann
185
CHAPTER ELEVEN
IN WHICH WE RETURN HOME, AND I PERSWAIDE JOSIAH TO BUILD A COTTAGE FOR TIRZAH ANN
The next afternoon Faith started on her visit to her aunt beyend Kingston. And immegiately after her departure, Josiah said he’d got to go home right away. Sez he, “It hain’t right to leave Ury to bear all the brunt of the work alone.”
Sez I, “Ury has got over the hardest of the work, and writ so.”
“Well,” sez he, “I’m a deacon and I can’t bear the thought of religious interests languishin’ for my help.”
Sez I, “Seven folks wuz baptized last Sunday: the meetin’ house wuz never so prosperous.”
And then he went on and said political ties wuz drawin’ him, and he brung up fatherly feelin’s for the children, and cuttin’ up burdocks, and buildin’ stun walls, and etcetery. But bein’ met with plain Common Sense in front of all these things, he bust out at last with186the true reason: “I hain’t no more money to spend here, and I tell you so, Samantha, and I mean it!”
And I sez, “Why didn’t you say so in the first place, it would have been more noble.”
And he said a man didn’t care much about bein’ noble when they’d got down to their last cent (he’s got plenty of money, though I wouldn’t want it told on, for rich folks are always imposed upon, and charged higher).
Well, suffice it to say, we concluded to go home the next day and did so. And though I felt bad to leave the horsepitable ruff where I’d enjoyed so much kind and friendly horspitality yet to the true home lover there are always strong onseen ties that bind the heart to the old hearth stun, and they always seem to be drawin’ and tuggin’ till they draw one clear back to the aforesaid stun and chimbly. Josiah paid for our two boards like a man, and we embarked for Clayton and from thence traveled by cars and mair to our beloved home.
And right here let me dispute another wicked wrong story, we never had to pay a cent for gittin’ offen the Thousand Island Park. It is a base fabrication to say folks have to pay to git out. They let us out jest as free and easy as187anything, and I thought they acted kinder smilin’ and good feelin’. What a world of fibs and falsehoods we are livin’ in!
We got home in time for supper and at my companion’s request I took off the parfenalia of travel, my gray alpacky, and havin’ enrobed myself in a domestic gingham of chocklate color and a bib apron, I proceeded to help Philury git a good supper. The neighbors all flocked in to see us and congratulate us on our safe return from the perils and temptations of worldly society. And Josiah wuz indeed in his glory as he told the various deacons and church pillows that gathered round him from time to time, of all his fashionable experiences and dangerous exploits while absent.
Of course my time wuz more took up by my female friends, but anon or oftener I would ketch the sound of figgers in connection with fish that wuz astoundin’ in the extreme. But when I would draw nigh the subject would be turned and the attention of the pillows would be drawed off onto yots, summer hotels, Tabernacles, etc., etc. Well such is life. But anon the waves of excitement floatin’ out insensibly from the vortex in which we had so lately revolved round in, gradually abated and went188down, and the calm placid surface of life in Jonesville wuz all we could see as we looked out of our turret winders—(metafor).
Gradually the daily excitement of seein’ the milk cans pass morning and night, and the school children go whoopin’ schoolward and homeward, wuz the most highlarious excitement participated in. A few calm errents of borryin’ tea and spice, now and then a tin peddler and a agent, or a neighborhood tea drinkin’, wuz all that interrupted our days serene.
And old Miss Time, that gray headed old weaver, who is never still, but sets up there in that ancient loom of hern a weavin’, while her pardner is away mowin’ with that sharp scythe of hisen from mornin’ till night, and from night till mornin’, jest so stiddy did she keep on weavin’. Noiseless and calm would the quiet days pass into her old shuttle (which is jest as good to-day as it wuz at the creation). Silent days, quiet days, in a broad stripe, not glistenin’ or shiny, but considerable good-lookin’ after all. Then anon variegated with moon lit starry nights, blue skies, golden sunsets, deep dark, moonless midnights, all shaded off into soft shadders.
And then givin’ way to a stripe of hit or miss,189restless hours, days when the “Fire won’t burn the stick and the kid refuses to go,” small excitements, frustrated ambitions, etc.
Anon a broad gray stripe, monotony, deadly monotony, and lonesomeness, gray as a rat both on ’em, all loosely twisted together makin’ a wide melancholy stripe. Then a more flowery piece, golden moments, mounts of soul transfiguration, full understandin’, divine hopes and raptures, heart talks, illuminations, all striped in with images of golden rod, evergreen trees pintin’ up into the friendly blue heavens, that leaned down so clost you could almost see into the Sweet Beyond. Singin’ rivulets, soarin’ birds, green fields, rosy clouds. Anon a plain piece, some slazy, as the shuttle seemed to go slower and kinder lazy, and then agin quick strong beats that made the web firm as iron.
Mebby that wuz the time that old Mr. Time hung up that old scythe of hisen for a few minutes on the top bars of the loom, and got in and footed it out for his pardner for a spell, while she rested her old feet or wound her bobbins for another stripe. But such idees are futile, futiler than I often mean to be. ’Tennyrate and anyway all the time, all the time the190shuttles moved back and forth to and fro, and old Miss Time’s tapestry widened out.
That summer my pardner had a oncommon good streak of luck, he sold two colts and a yearlin’ heifer for a price that fairly stunted us both, it wuz so big. And his crops turned out dretful well, and he jest laid up money by the handfuls as you may say. And one day we wuz talkin’ about what extreme good luck we’d had for the past year, and we also talked considerable about Tirzah Ann and little Delight, and how they wuz both pimpin’ and puny. The older children away to school wuz doin’ first rate both in health and studies, but Tirzah Ann’s health wuz such that Whitfield had to keep a girl and pay doctor’s bills, and I sez to Josiah:
“I am sorry for ’em as I can be, and if this goes on much longer there don’t seem much chance of Whitfield’s buildin’ his house on Shadow Island this summer.”
And Josiah sez, “No indeed! if he can pay the doctor’s bills and help, he will do well. But,” sez he, “he is goin’ to have quite a good job up to his folkses.”
His uncle, Jotham Minkley, who is forehanded and a ship builder up in Maine, had invited Whitfield to come and take charge of some191bizness for him, and he said he must bring Tirzah Ann and Delight. So it wuz arranged that they wuz goin’ to stay for some time. We all thought the change would do Tirzah Ann good, and then Whitfield had been promised good pay for his work. And then wuz the time I tackled my pardner on the subject I had thought over so long. He looked so sort o’ mournful over the hard times Whitfield wuz havin’, and Tirzah Ann’s and Delight’s enjoyment of poor health, that I thought now wuz the appinted time for me to onfold this subject to him. This idee wuz that while Whitfield and Tirzah Ann wuz away up to Maine we should build a pretty little house for ’em on Shadow Island. “For,” sez I, “the health and life of Tirzah Ann and Delight may hang in the balances, and if anything will help ’em I believe that dear old Saint Lawrence will.” But Josiah demurred strongly on account of the expense. In fact I had to use some of my strongest arguments to convince him of the feasibility of my plans.
One of my arguments wuz that in all probability all our property would before long descend onto the children, and so why not use some now for ’em, while they wuz sufferin’ for the use192on’t. That wuz one of my arguments, and my other one wuz, that he couldn’t take any of his property with him. But he had got kinder mad and when I told him in a solemn tone, “Josiah Allen, you know you can’t take any of your property with you when you die,” he snapped out, “I don’t know whether I can or not; it won’t be asyousay about it.”
“Well,” sez I, in lofty axents and quotin’ Skripter, “there is only one way you can take your property with you, and that is to send it on before you. Make friends with the Mammon of your wealth so that when you fail here it may receive you into a everlastin’ habitation. Turn it into angels of Gratitude and Love that may be waitin’ to welcome you. Do good with your money. Lend to the Lord,” sez I.
And Josiah wuz so pudgicky, he snapped out, “I didn’t know as the Lord wanted to borry any money.”
But I gin him such a talkin’ to that I brung him to a sense of his sinful talk, and right then while he wuz conscience smut for as much as seven minutes, I brung him round to the idee of buildin’ the house. But it wuz a gradual bringin’.
Of course he begged and beseeched to build it193on Coney Island. Sez he, “I wouldn’t begrech the money but spend it lavish, if the house sot there. I could go there and spend months and months of perfect bliss, and learn more there in one day than I could in years in Jonesville.”
“Where would you build it?” sez I in frosty axents.
“Well, the top of one of them tall mountains in Luna Park Serenus tells on would be a good spot, near the beautiful waterfall where the boats full of happy Hilariors dash down the steep declivity and bound way off onto the water and sail away. The view would be so lively and inspirin’, it would be equal to havin’ a brass band in your bedroom.”
“Yes, jest about like that,” sez I. “Do you know what them mountains are made of? They’re jest about as solid as your idees.”
“Well, I might build it on the other side of Surf Avenue, nigh that long line of dashin’ horses Serenus depicters, that go racin’ and cavortin’ round and round, bearin’ the gay and happy Hilariors on their backs.”
“How much do you spoze a lot would cost there, Josiah, if you wuz ravin’ crazy enough to want it? All the property in Jonesville194wouldn’t buy a spot big as a table cloth, and I d’no as it would a towel.”
“Well,” sez he real sulky, “I can let my mind dwell on it, can’t I? That is some comfort.”
“I wouldn’t think on’t too much, you don’t want to tire your mind, it hain’t over strong, you know.”
It beats all how sometimes when you are doin’ your very best for your pardners, they don’t like it. He acted huffy.
But at last it wuz settled, Tirzah Ann’s cottage wuz to be begun the minute they left, it wuz to be kep secret from ’em, and we wuz to have a surprize party there, to welcome ’em home. Well, from the very day it wuz settled begun my trials with Josiah Allen about the plan. My idee wuz to employ a first rate architect, but he sez:
“I can tell you, Mom, if that plan is made I shall make it. There hain’t an architect in the country that could begin with me in drawin’ up this plan.” Oh how I sithed and groaned when I see his sotness, and knowed he wuz no more fit for the job than our old steer to give music lessons on the banjo.
He went to the village that afternoon and obtained two long blank books (oh that they195could have stayed blank) and three quires of fool’s cap paper (well named) and a bottle of red ink and one of blue ink, besides black, and a dozen pencils of different colors, and after these elaborate preparations he begun drawin’ up his plans.
He would roll up his sleeves, moisten his hands, and go to work early in the mornin’, and set and pour over ’em all day, every stormy day, and every night he sot up so late goin’ over ’em that he most underminded his health, to say nothin’ of the waste of my temper and kerseen. And then he would call in uncle Nate Peedick and they would bend their two gray bald heads together and talk about “specifications” and “elevations” and “ground plans” and “suller plans” till my head seemed to turn and my brain seemed most as soft as theirn.
196
“And then he would call in Uncle Nate Peedick and they would bend their two gray bald heads and talk about specifications and elevations till my brain seemed most as soft as theirn.” (See page 195)
“And then he would call in Uncle Nate Peedick and they would bend their two gray bald heads and talk about specifications and elevations till my brain seemed most as soft as theirn.” (See page 195)
197
And sometimes Serenus Gowdey would be called in to aid in their deliberations, though their talk always led off onto Coney Island and rested there, he didn’t git no other idees out of him. Josiah never called on a woman for advice and counsel, not once, though a woman stood nigh him who wuz eminently qualified to pass a first class judgment on the plan. But no, it wuz males only who gin him their deepest thoughts and counsels. Once in awhile I would ask how many stories he wuz layin’ out to have it, and how big it wuz goin’ to be, and every time I asked him he said:
“Wimmen’s minds wuz too weak to comprehend his views. It took a man’s mind to tackle such a subject and throw it.”
And that would mad me so that it would be some time before I would ask him agin, and then curosity would git the better of me and I would ask him agin sunthin’ about it, but his reply wuz always the same:
“Wimmen’s minds wuz too weak and tottlin’ to tackle the subject.” So all the light I could git wuz to hear him talk it over with some man. I see that there wuz a great difference of opinion between ’em. Josiah, true father of Tirzah Ann, seemed anxious mainly to unite display and cheapness. Uncle Nate seemed more for solidity and comfort. Sez Josiah to him:
“It is my idee to have the house riz up jest as high as the timbers will stand, the main expense anyway is the foundation and floorin’ and I would rise up story after story all ornamented off beautiful and cheap, basswood sawed off in pints makes beautiful ornaments, and what a show it would make round the198country, and what air you could git up in the seventh or eight story.”
So he would go on and argy, regardless of common sense or Tirzah Ann’s legs. And then Uncle Nate would reply:
“Josiah, safety lays on the ground, and in this climate more liable each year to tornadoes and cyclones, the only safety lays in spreadin’ out on the ground. Build only one story,” sez he, “and a low one at that, and let it spread out every way as much as it wants to.”
“But,” sez Josiah, “to have every room on the bottom would take up all the lot and lap over into the river.”
“Better do that,” sez Uncle Nate, “than to have your children and grand-children blowed away. Safety is better than sile,” sez he solemnly. And then I hearn ’em talkin’ about a travelin’ woodhouse. Josiah advoctated the idee of havin’ the woodhouse made in the form of a boat, only boarded up like a house, and have big oars fixed onto the sides on’t so’s it could be used as a boat, and a house. Sez he:
“How handy it would be to jest onmoor the woodhouse and row over to the main land and git the year’s stock of wood, and then row back agin, cast anchor and hitch it onto the house199agin.” But Uncle Nate demurred. He thought the expense would be more than the worth of usin’ it once a year.
“Once a year!” sez Josiah. “You forgit how much kindlin’ wood a woman uses.” Sez he, “When she that wuz Arvilly Nash worked here I believe we used a woodhouse full a day. If we had a floatin’ woodhouse here, we should had to embark on it once a day at least and load it up with shavin’s and kindlin’ wood. Samantha is more eqinomical,” sez he.
“But,” sez Uncle Nate, “I hearn that Whitfield’s folks wuz layin’ out to use a coal oil stove durin’ the summer.”
Josiah’s face fell. “So they be,” sez he.
But he wuz loath to give up this floatin’ woodhouse and went on:
“How handy it would be for a picnic, jest fill the woodhouse full of Highlariers and set off, baskets, bundles and all. It would do away with parasols; no jabbin’ ’em into a man’s eyes, or proddin’ his ears with the pints of umbrells. Or on funeral occasions,” sez he, “jest load the mourners right in, onhitch the room and sail off. Why it would be invaluable.”
But Uncle Nate wuz more conservative and cautious. He sez, “What if it should break200loose in the night and start off by itself? It would be a danger to the hull river. How would boats feel to meet a woodhouse? It would jam right into ’em and sink ’em—sunk by a woodhouse! It wouldn’t sound well. And row boats would always be afraid of it, they’d be thinkin’ it would be liable to come onto ’em at any time onbeknown to ’em, ’twouldn’t have no whistle or anything.”
“Yes it would,” sez Josiah hautily; “I laid out to fix it somehow with a whistle.”
“But it couldn’t whistle itself if it sot off alone.”
“Well,” sez Josiah, scratchin’ his head, “I hain’t got that idee quite perfected, but I might have a self actin’ whistle, a stationary self movin’ gong, or sunthin’ of that kind.” But I didn’t wait to hear any more; I left the room, and I shouldn’t wonder if I shet the door pretty hard.
CHAPTER TWELVEIn Which Josiah Still Works at His Plan for Tirzah Ann’s Cottage, and Decides to Send His Lumber C. O. W.
203
CHAPTER TWELVE
IN WHICH JOSIAH STILL WORKS AT HIS PLAN FOR TIRZAH ANN’S COTTAGE, AND DECIDES TO SEND HIS LUMBER C. O. W.
Wall the next evenin’, Josiah would make the plan all over, would rub out red marks and put in blue ones, and then rub ’em out with his thumb and fore finger, and then anon, forgittin’ himself, he’d rub his forward with the same fingers, till he looked like a wild Injun started for war. And he would sithe heart breakin’ sithes, and moisten his hands in his mouth, and roll up his shirt sleeves, and toil and toil till he seemed to git a new plan made after Uncle Nate’s idees, as squatty and curous lookin’ as I ever see as I glanced at it in a cursory way. And he would work at that till some new man come round with some new idee and then he would (goin’ through with all the motions and acts I have depictered) make a new one. And so it went on till finally in the fullness of time Josiah produced204a dockument which he said wuz the finest plan ever drawed up in America.
Sez he, “I have at last reached perfection.”
“I spoze you’ll let me see it now it is finished,” I sez.
“Yes,” sez he, “I’ve always been willin’ to give you all the chances I could of improvin’ and enlargin’ your mind, all that a woman’s mind is strong enough to bear. I am willin’, Samantha, that you should look at it and admire it, now it is too late for you to advocate any changes.”
Sez I coldly, “If I am goin’ to see the plan, bring it on.”
He laid it before me with a hauty linement and stood off a few steps to admire it. It wuz drawed up handsome, with little ornaments in blue and yeller ink runnin’ all round the porticos and piazzas, which wuz in red ink. But on a closer perusal I sez to him:
“What room is this where the walls and ceilin’ are all ornamented off so?”
“The settin’ room,” sez he.
Sez I, “Where are the winders?”
“The winders?” sez he, lookin’ closter at it.
“Yes,” sez I, “as the ornaments are all fastened on now there hain’t no winders and no room for any.”205
“By thunder!” sez he, the second time in my life that I ever hearn him use that wicked swear word.
And I sez, “I should think you would be afraid to be so profane, you a deacon and a grand-father!”
But he paid no attention to my remarks, but sez agin out loud and strong, “By thunder! I forgot the winders.”
“You profane man you!” sez I, pintin’ to another room, “what room is this?”
Sez he in a lower and more mortified tone, “It is the parlor.”
Sez I, “How be you goin’ to git out of this room if you wuz built into it? There hain’t no door nor no place for one. You couldn’t git out of the room unless you climbed up through the chimbly and emerged onto the ruff, and,” sez I, “there hain’t a sign of a stairway to git up into the chambers, nor no chamber doors.”
But all the answer my pardner made wuz to snatch up the paper and tear it right through the middle, and sez he, “There, I hope you’re satisfied now! it is all your doin’s!”
Sez I, “How, Josiah?” I spoke with calmness, for a long life passed by the side of a man had206taught me this great truth, that every man from Adam to Josiah will blame a woman for every mistake and blunder they make, no matter of what name or nater, from bringin’ sin into the world, to bustin’ off a shirt button.
So I sez with composure, “How did I do it, Josiah?”
“Well,” sez he, “the day I finished that plan you had company, and you and Miss Gowdey and she that wuz Submit Tewksbury kep’ up such a confounded clackin’ that a man couldn’t hear himself think!”
Sez I, “Josiah, you finished the plan the next day.”
“Well,” sez he, “I kep’ thinkin’ of the clack. Now,” sez he, “I’m goin’ to build a house by rote and not by note. I will git me away from wimmen, and when I’m on the lot with the timber before me, my mind will work clear.”
Sez I, “Do hear to me now; do git a good builder to lay out the plan, one that knows how.”
“Well, I shan’t do no such thing!”
Sez I, “Then do git a first rate carpenter!”
“No, Samantha, I shan’t git any man to be bossin’ me round. I shall git some humble man that knows enough to drive a nail, to carry out my207views and be guided by me. There is so much jealousy in every walk of life now, that when a man that shows originality and genius comes forth from the masses, there is immegiately a desire to keep him back and hide his talents.” Sez he, “I’m afraid of this sperit so I am goin’ to git a man that can do what I tell him and ask no questions; in these conditions,” sez he, “I can swing right out and do justice to myself.”
“Then you do have some few fears about your plans yourself?”
Sez he, “Let me once git into a place where my mind can work, I’ll show what I can do, let me once git away from meddlin’ and clack.”
But that night of his own accord (I’d had a uncommon good supper) he acted real affectionate and more confidentialer than he had for weeks, an’ he sez, “There is one thing, Samantha, I’m bound to have, and that is a mullin’ winder.”
“A what?” sez I. “A mullin winder; what is that?”
“Why a winder made out of mullins,” sez he hautily.
Sez I, “How do you make it? Mullin leaves are thick and the stalks tougher than fury, how do you make winders out of ’em?”208
“That,” sez he proudly, “is the work of a architect to take stalks of the humble mullin and transfer it into a tall and stately winder.”
Sez I, “I don’t believe it can be done. How would you go to work to do it?”
Sez he, “It would be fur from me, Samantha, to muddle up a woman’s brains any more than they be muddled naturally, tryin’ to inform her how this is done. I only say there will be a mullin’ winder in the house.”
Sez I, “Hain’t you goin’ to have a bay winder?”
“That depends on whether there will be room for the bay. But as to the ventilation, on that pint my plans are made. I believe a house should be ventilated to the bottom instead of the top. Air goes up instead of down, a house should be ventilated from the mop boards, I think some of havin’ em open like a trap door to let the air through. Sime Bentley sez have a row of holes bored right through the sides of the house to let in the air, and when you didn’t want to use ’em plug ’em up, when you want a little air take out one stopple, when you want a good deal take out a hull row of plugs. That’s a good idee,” sez Josiah, “but I convinced him that it lacked one important thing, the air209didn’t come up from the bottom as I consider it necessary for health and perfect ventilation.”
Sez I dryly, “You might have the holes bored through into the suller!” My tone wuz as irony as a iron tea-kettle, but he didn’t perceive it.
“That is a woman’s idee,” sez he, “rip up a breadth of carpet every time you want a little air, keep a man down on his knee jints the hull of the time tackin’ down carpets and ontackin’ ’em. Nothin’ ever made a woman so happy as to see a man down on his marrer bones tackin’ down a carpet, unless it is seein’ him takin’ it up and luggin’ it outdoors, histin’ it up on a line and beatin’ it. No, my idee is the only right one, ventilate from the mop boards.”
Well, true to his hauty resolution to not share his grand success and triumph with anybody he went the next day and hired a man by the name of Penstock. He had been a good carpenter in his day, but his brain had kinder softened, yet he could work quite fast, and sez Josiah:
“He’s jest the man for me. He won’t be jealous, he will carry out my views and not steal my plans or my credit. There is a lumber dealer out to the Cape owin’ me for a horse, and I propose to buy of him and have the things210landed at Shadow Island.” Sez he, “I am a solid influential man, and they will send the boards and charge ’em to me, or send ’em C. O. W.”
“C. O. W.?” sez I. “What do you mean by that?”
“Oh,” sez he, “that’s a bizness phrase wimmen don’t understand, we men use it often.”
“But what duz it mean? Most things mean sunthin’, at least they do in wimmen’s bizness.”
“Well, I don’t want to muddle up your head with such things, Samantha, but if you must know, it means Collect All Winter, meanin’ that I can have till spring to pay it up.”
“How do you spell all?” sez I.
“Why o-w-l of course.”
And I sez, “With wimmen that spells owl, a bird that pertends to great wisdom but don’t know anything. Send your things C. O. W. by all means!” sez I wore out. “Send ’em along and spell your all, o-w-l. I think it is a highly figurative and appropriate expression.”
“Well, that is what I thought you would say as fur as you could see into it,” sez he hautily, and in the same axent he asked me if I had packed up a extra pair of socks for him.